Joe's Journey: From Functioning Alcoholic to Seeking Control

I'm Joe Knakalik, and thanks Bennett for asking me to participate in my sobriety and share with y'all tonight.

And it's an honor and a privilege to suit up and show up and do the things in AA, and I don't do a lot of speaker meetings here in San Diego, so you know, it's a nice change of pace for me.

Anyway, I shared my 10-minute not that long ago, most of you heard my story, so feel free to nod off, it won't offend me, might call you out on it.

But it won't offend me. Anyway, man, I always say I'm a functioning alcoholic, but that I mean real simple, you know, I was never arrested, I didn't crash cars, I didn't lose jobs, my family loved me, I knew they loved me, I had friends, I did well in school.

Really, on the outside, nothing should have been wrong. Now, on the inside, I'm a neurotic, self-obsessed, worrisome mess.

And I got no idea how you guys get by in life, and I try to mimic what you do, and I try to be good at sports, but I'm not good at sports, and I try to be social, but I'm not good at being social.

And, you know, I was good at school, I was good at school, and I was good at getting people to like me. Those were my two assets growing up.

And I didn't know the second one, but I knew the first one, school was my jam. So I discovered alcohol in middle school, I didn't really get drunk in middle school, but I discovered alcohol in middle school.

I always wanted to be cool, that was my thing. And I was anything but cool. My brother, he was cool. That's what I wanted to be. And middle school, I discovered that if you brought an airline bottle of alcohol to school, it made you cool.

At least that's how I felt. And I liked that feeling. In high school, I discovered the facts of alcohol, because I actually drank the alcohol, and that little airline bottle passing around between me and my friends didn't get us really drunk.

But in high school, I started getting drunk. And it was the Bartles and James wine cooler era, and we were at Strawberry Hills Boone Farm in Mad Dog 2020.

And I drank that till my friends started saying, "Hey, dude, that ain't how a man drinks. Drink beer, tequila, and whiskey."

And it took me a little bit to get customs to the taste of beer and tequila and whiskey, but I acclimated to that taste pretty quickly, and that's how I started rolling.

And I remember those early days with the wine coolers, I'd go out with my friend. We'd go out to where they're building a lot of housing, and we'd go out to one of those vacant lots they were building, and we'd drink those wine coolers down, and I'd throw up, and then we'd go to school.

And I didn't see anything wrong with that, except my brother, he was cool. He was also a troublemaker, got in trouble with the law, got in trouble with school, you know, didn't butt-head with my mom.

And after fighting with him, my mom made it pretty easy on me. She's here visiting right now, by the way, my mom.

Anyway, she made it pretty easy on me. I was like, "Get good grades, be polite, stay out of my way." I did those things, and I was pretty much left to my own devices.

The important thing was, because I was good at school, was that I go to college, which ain't no big deal for me, because college is school, school is easy.

I like doing things that are very easy, that I get maximum reward from, and for me, that's college.

So I go, and you all know, you heard before, I don't want the regular 9-to-5 housewife, kids, picket fence, none of that stuff. I want to be an artist. And I don't know how to be an artist, but I want to be an artist.

Now, what I think you do for an artist is you drink a lot. You drink a lot, and you hang out with your friends, and you tend to do artsy things.

I started doing that in college, and we hung out, we drank, and I'm like, "Tracy, I did drugs, because drugs are awesome, and they were often free."

Like Tracy, I had my - thank you for your share, by the way, Tracy, I didn't relate to quite a bit of it - I had my mantra to prove I wasn't drunk.

It was just the fundamental theorem of calculus, because I'm a snob. So that was my proof, because I can do this. Look at me, y'all.

It isn't very sophisticated to recite the fundamental theorem of calculus when you're puking on people, and being obnoxious and stuff like that, but hey, it didn't stop me, because that's the kind of class act I am.

And what can I say, man, I loved it until I started having a few issues. My issues are kind of in the puking range, where I like to throw up a lot.

I mean, I don't like to throw up, I just did. I drank a lot, I threw up, and then I would drink more. And I didn't see anything wrong with that.

And I like to run my mouth, as y'all know, but y'all think I ain't got no filter now, put some tequila in me, and I ain't got no filter.

But I run my mouth, I got nothing to back it up. And most of the time, be honest, I kind of talk my way out of it, because I'm little, I'm non-threatening, I'm adorable, and I'm willing to buy you a drink.

But you know, occasionally, I clean up my mouth, because that's the way it goes. And I'm just a perv.

So put those things together with alcohol, and you embarrass yourself from time to time. But I love the way it made me feel, so I didn't want to stop.

But somewhere in my 20s, I started realizing that, hey, maybe I don't gotta drink so much all the time. Maybe I could do some of that controlled drinking.

Now I never heard the phrase controlled drinking. I didn't know what that was. But I knew I wanted more control over how I acted with the same effect that alcohol produced.

And so I tried that. I went out to my friends, and we went out to dinner, and I had a beer, and then I ate my dinner, and then I chased my dinner with a beer, and I stopped.

And the problem with a guy like me is I got that phenomenon of craving. I recognized that phrase right away when I first heard it, phenomenon of craving.

I knew what that meant. I just crave more. And it's not like I can't, like I'm not howling at the moon, being a werewolf about it or whatever.

But I want it real bad, and I get real irritable when I don't get it. And when I get real irritable when I don't get it, I take it out on you.

I try to make you feel bad, and I try to upset everybody else's good time so I can make it about me.

And so somebody eventually gets mad at me enough that I get mad at them, so I'm entitled to take a drink because that's what I need to shut my brain off.

Because once I get started, my brain launches into overdrive if you stop the intake.

So I'm restless, irritable, discontented, neurotic, self-obsessed, self-centered, on a dry, good day.

You put alcohol on me and then say, "Dude, no more for you."

All that stuff's ramped up to ten, and I am an unbearable human being to be around.

And you know, I'm in my twenties, I'm kind of going nowhere, and I realize problem's Texas.

I can't handle it due to my sophistication. Me and my friends, we all decided to migrate to the great state of California.

And we figured, or at least I figured, you know, you guys was going to welcome me with open arms and bring out the banners and blow the horns and do all that.

And you didn't, because y'all didn't need just another idiot from Texas coming into California.

So it wasn't like that. And unlike Texas, California's expensive, so for the first time I had a nine-to-five job.

It was Teacher's Day. And I didn't like it. And I didn't like it because I didn't like the job.

I liked the job, but I didn't like it interfering with my lifestyle, because I was still drinking and I was still drinking heavy, but I had to get up at 6.30 in the morning.

And I'm used to drinking until 6.30 in the morning, not getting up at 6.30 in the morning to go drive kids around.

So I chased that lifestyle as hard as I could, as best I could, and tried to keep that job.

And the two were in conflict. And when I got here, I mean, really, if you looked at it, I mean, my life was good.

I had a girlfriend. She was intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated. I had friends that I brought back from Texas.

I was friends. I was making the Los Angeles. I was playing in a band. We were having a good time, paying my bills, and it should be fine.

But that ain't how my brain works. My brain had always figured out that, or always assumed that given the right combination of things, right,

you take this piece over here and you put it with this piece and then you jam this piece here and get everything arranged, then I won't drink the way I do.

I won't behave the way I do. I want to embarrass myself that I'll settle down.

And really, when I got to California, I had all that stuff, as any reasonable person could expect, just wasn't enough for me.

And I realized the only thing that brought me peace and happiness was drinking.

And so that's what I did. The next few years, I started, I started drinking and started spiraling.

And I had gotten to a point where my drinking become unpredictable and I like routine and I like predictability, even with my alcoholism.

I like that predictability of routine. Now, at some point in time, I am going to get unpredictable.

I'm going to get out of control. But it was always at the same time everybody was kind of out of control.

It was three, four o'clock in the morning and the only people still drinking, the only people still acting up, everybody was kind of out of control.

And what was happening was, you know, drinking is expensive when you go to the bars, but I like going to the bar. So, you know, you fuel up before you go.

But I was getting too drunk to manage myself enough to get through the evening without embarrassing myself or, or embarrassing the people who are with me.

And I was just unwelcome in public. And my girlfriend was a normie. And if you drink, don't date a normie.

They are awful people around when you are just ruin everything.

They refuse to get drunk and they look at you with those warm, pathetic little eyes and they remember everything you do.

And but I made that mistake. That's kind of girlfriend I had.

And, you know, she was a social butterfly and she wanted to be out and she and in her own sick, demented way, she was proud of me and she wanted to show me off in her way.

But I couldn't manage. I was either drunk and belligerent or I was sober and unbearable.

And, you know, for three years, we kind of did a dance. And at some point in time, I did my second, like try to control my drinking, which was like, I can't just drink a couple of drinks.

I figured that out. I knew the phenomenon of craving. I had the words for it, but I knew that feeling and I knew I had it and I knew once I started, I ain't stopping.

But I figured, you know what, man, I got a day job. I'm working like, dude, just drink on the weekends, man.

Friday, maybe Saturday, go out, get plastered, but just doodle be low key.

And I did it. I went out a Friday night and I had a blast. I had the greatest time.

It was awesome. Stars align, magical drinking evening. I love those.

Next weekend, I did Friday and Saturday and, you know, I was a little bit more embarrassing, a little bit more clumsy.

Then the next week came around like, hey, Wednesday, you know what? It's been a couple of weeks since I drink during the week.

I'm giving a test tomorrow. No big deal. I don't really have to pay attention. I can get lit today.

And before I knew it, doing the same thing. And my girlfriend, she lived with a with a guy in AA.

He'd been sober for a few years and he came and talked to me and he shared his stories and he told me the things he did and the decisions he made.

And I identified with all this dude was like he he auditioned for Saturday Night Live

and went back to his hotel to get high by himself instead of going to the after party with everybody else and blew his shot with Saturday Night Live.

You know, and I and I really that made sense to me. I see that's how you do life.

And, you know, he shared his stories with me. And, you know, I appreciate it.

And I related, but at one more I got when I did for twenty one days and twenty one days I was I was a sober,

stark raving lunatic, so unbearable.

My girlfriend at the time was like, hey, dude, why don't you drink? Because I was more bearable drinking than I was sober.

And so I did. And I went for a little while longer. I don't know how much longer, but I went for a little while longer.

And what happened was Sunday we were barbecuing my buddy, Joe, who I adore.

He he was off on Mondays. I worked on Mondays, but he was off on and I had plenty of sick time because I saved my sick days.

I'd show up to work, hungover because I was good and I was going to take off Monday.

We're going to go fishing. We were talking about doing this fishing trip. We were going to go do that.

And what that gives me is permission on Sunday to drink exactly the way I want to drink.

And so I did. I proceeded to drink exactly the way I wanted to drink, but I did not proceed to get as drunk as I wanted to get drunk.

I got drunk, but my brain was just busy and active and I'm uncomfortable.

So when I'm uncomfortable, I want to make you uncomfortable.

So I'm doing really stupid things like I'm threatening to jump off a one story balcony.

And, you know, I'm trying to break bottles on the walls.

You know, my girlfriend walks out and leaves because she don't want to be a part of that.

And who could blame her? And my roommate comes in and he sees what I'm doing and the state address I was in.

And he walked out because that was the wise decision to make.

And I eventually passed out and I woke up the next day late because I was too hungover and drunk the night before I go fishing.

So I sat down on the couch and my buddy was like, "Dude, you scared me last night."

And this was the guy who, like, if I throw a beer on somebody, he smooths it over.

If I get in trouble, he smooths it over like he's cleaned up more than my share of messes and more than his share of messes.

And he was like, "Dude, you were scary." And I'm like, "Yeah, Joe, I'm going to move back to Texas."

And then he walks away from me in disgust.

But I didn't tell him my full thought. And my full thought is I'm going to go back to Texas.

I'm going to drink myself to death because California is way too expensive to drink myself to death.

Why not go to Texas where I could do it with some frugality?

But there's something in me. I think I just want that girlfriend back, you know, no validation.

So I knew I had that AA card to play, so I played it.

I'm like, "I'm going to go to AA." And she was like, "Cool, call central office."

And my MO is, "I'll do it tomorrow." And I did it. I called them that day.

And they told me about a meeting. And they said it was a mixed meeting.

And they said it was starting at 7 o'clock. And they told me to show up 15 minutes early, i.e. 645.

And I did. I showed up at 645. And they lied to me. It was a men's meeting.

And the meeting didn't start until 730. And so a couple people said hi to me. And I said hi.

And then I realized it started at 730. And 45 minutes to deal with you people with two days of sobriety under my belt was too much.

So I took a lap around the block. And I sat for my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yay me!

And people were talking about giving me business cards. And they were talking about sponsors and big books and all this cult stuff I wasn't interested in.

But it was a men's meeting. And we went and we all identified and had to say we were alcoholic.

I said I had two days. And I remember a dude who had four days. And I still remember that dude.

And other people it was years. If you said a year or 30 years, you were speaking that Charlie Brown wop wop music to me.

That adult life. It meant nothing to me after that. Everything from one year past that, you're speaking crazy talk.

But there was a dude there with four months. And I listened to that. I listened to that dude and I listened to that for four months.

Because four months sounded reasonable to me. I could do that. And so I was like shit especially because if you think you only got a few months or whatever and you don't got nothing to give.

Somebody new in the meeting, they don't care squat about 20 years of sobriety. They don't mean nothing to them.

But four months, that might mean something to them. Or two months or 60 days or whatever. Y'all mean a lot more to somebody new than somebody with a lot of time.

At least that's what it was for me. Anyway man, so I got a sponsor and he started telling me, because I was too afraid to deal with you guys without a sponsor.

And so again, I like routine. Tell me what to do. And he told me what to do. He told me to get a big book and call him every single day.

Reads 90/90 and get commitments and go to meetings early and drive Alex around. Drive Lewis around and do this and do that. Blah blah blah blah.

And I'm like dude, what an order man. But I committed to doing it for 30 days. I'm like I'll do it for 30 days to see what happens.

And after 30 days, what happened was I realized you guys weren't just like, I had this thing about AA, this conception.

You guys weren't like me who got sober. You were dropped off from the planet Alcoholics Anonymous.

And you were put on this earth to annoy people who enjoy drinking and having a good time.

That's just what I thought. And you know, I realized like you guys are bar people and I'm a bar person. I could sit at a bar store and I could turn in either direction.

And I can have a conversation with anybody. I could do that at a bar and I could do that at AA.

And I like that. And that gave me my first hope. Pinhole. Small. That gave me my first hopeful moment I'd had in a very long time.

So I decided, alright, I get this. Again, I'm a fundamental theorem of calculus kind of guy. Alcoholics Anonymous is not going to work for a guy of my sophistication.

But I'm also neurotic. I know I'm neurotic. And I don't want to be agitated by my own neurosis so I figured I'll do all the things you tell me to do.

I'll do them the best I can. And when they don't work for me, I can walk out the door skipping and dancing because I don't need to hear my voice and I can go do what I want.

And so I did. I started doing all the things you asked me to do. And I did them to the best of my ability.

And I figured out Alcoholics Anonymous don't care about motivation or what your motives are so long as you do them sincerely. And I did.

And I started doing the commitments. I started doing the AA stuff and all that. That was fine. But it also got me into the steps.

And, you know, man, the steps is where I started finding a solution to my problem, which really isn't alcohol. It's a symptom. My problem's with me. I didn't know that, but that's my problem.

So the first step, you know, powerless over alcohol. My life had become unmanageable. That was easy for me.

I drink until there's no more drink to be drunk. And my solution to life is drink myself to death in Texas.

That is unmanageable. And I came to believe in a power greater than myself. There was no such thing in my universe.

I was the power greater than myself and greater than you and greater than everybody else. That concept I found very difficult to get a hold of.

But eventually somebody broke it down to me, or at least got me to the understanding that despite my ego and attitude, I had a higher power.

And that's alcohol, because alcohol always told me what to do, when to do it, how to do it. And I made no decisions anymore once alcohol took the wheel.

So all I need is something bigger than that. And at that point in time, I believed AA and sponsorship and commitments and big books.

Like I believed that worked for you. And I believed that that could work for me. And that became my higher power for a very long time.

And I had to turn my will, my power over to that higher power. Well, I was already pretty much doing what you guys asked me to do with the commitments and go here and do this and pick up Alex and Woodland Hills from North Hollywood and take them to a meeting in Van Nuys.

Actually, I was doing that kind of stuff. So okay, I guess I'm turning my will and my life over to care God as I understood them.

Or I did my inventory, which was fine, I can kind of write on paper, the nasty things and all my stuff, I could do that my higher power, whatever that is, knows all that stuff, sharing it with another human being I was not that into, but I did it.

I tried to keep some things to myself and they didn't work. So then I shared everything with them. And that was better than I had. And I keep for me, it wasn't about like keeping like that, that secret that you want to take to your grave about that for me, it was something I was reading on my list.

And I just skipped over because I thought it wasn't worth mentioning. And I had to share that. And got my relief for step five. And as Jason used to say, I earned my seat in Alcoholics Anonymous because once you do your step five, it's kind of a big deal.

And then I was like, okay, side relief, sweet man, step five, but then six and seven came around. And I'm reading that character defects, turn it over, blah, blah, I don't kind of really do anything.

And that one's been kind of my Achilles heel since alcoholics since I've gotten here, because I'm aware that my character defects, like I by the time in my sobriety now I'm my relationship with my higher power is very different.

And I'm aware that without my higher power, I get drunk. I know this, I know this to be true, whatever my higher power is without it, I will get drunk. I just believe that I know my character defects get in the way of my connection to that higher power.

And I just love my character defects. And sometimes they get in the way of my higher power, the longer I stay sober, the less I can allow that because just makes me more and more uncomfortable.

And I don't like it. Rogue gets narrow, that's a true statement. So giving up those character defects, man, that was all that's been a challenge. Eight, nine, like amends cool, I can make a list.

Nine by that time I did my my fifth step. So I'm like, here, sponsor, here's my list of amends. And then he just told me what to do, making these amends in person, make this amends living this, your neurotic and self obsessed, it wasn't even your issue.

Let it go and broke it down for me very simple. And then 10 I started, I'd started praying way before I got to 10. Not because I wanted to, but because I had said I do all the things that AA had told me I would do, told me to do because it wasn't going to work for me.

One of the things my sponsor told me to do was pray. I thought it was stupid. I did it because I had already made this deal. And prayer gives me relief. I don't know why. I don't know how. I just know it does. So I keep doing it.

I meditate here and there off and on. I do some of that stuff too. So, um, and what was it? Oh, inventory taken yours first, mine second. That's just the order things for me.

Um, and 12, you know, I'm a, I'm a service talk, Alex anonymous. I, uh, I, uh, I did my steps. I've had spiritual awakening. So, so what's my higher power? And then, and then, and then the hard part, you know, if you read step 12, it's real short on spiritual experience. It's a little bit longer on, uh, you know, giving back to AA and it's real invested in, you know, practice these principles and all of my affairs.

And, and that's, that's, that's the nitty gritty because I've alcohol. It got me hiding from life my entire life, and I don't want to hide an alcoholics anonymous.

So really most of my life is outside of AA now because of the foundation you guys gave me and, you know, taught me how to be a decent human being.

So, you know, I started as a teacher's assistant when, uh, when I got sober, I think I was still a teacher's assistant. And, uh, at some point in time, my boss was like, dude, you, you got to make a decision, man.

You're on an emergency credential. Like you can't go on like this. And in sobriety, I got my teaching credential, uh, became a fully credentialed teacher, uh, taught in a non-public school for 11 years. Knucklehead kids, um, very difficult job. Did that for a long time.

Was assistant principal of that place, um, left and worked in Las Virgenus for eight years where I was a special education teacher with my buddy, Steve. And we had a blast and, uh, met my wife in AA.

Went to work, met the good wife though in AA. So I met my wife in AA and got married. And, uh, she eventually got a, uh, a job opportunity in San Diego and she had, she, she's a hard worker.

She got her admin credential. She's a teacher and it brought us here to San Diego. And, uh, that's where I'm at now. And I, it's hard to, it's hard to leave. Like I was 15 years sober when I left. And it's hard to believe that it's like, yeah, 15 years has been honestly, it's been almost five years, um, since I left.

And for that 15 years, you guys were my sobriety. That's all I knew. I didn't know other ways I'd been to other meetings, but I didn't really go to other meetings, but I, um, I got to San Diego on a Tuesday.

I went to my first meeting on a Wednesday because I was used to going to meetings on Wednesday and I knew I'd better do it right away. And I met a dude there and he like, dude, here's a meeting here.

Cause you, cause you guys taught me how to do it. Cause in San Diego, they do this thing where it's like, Hey, is there anybody from out of town? And I was like, yeah, I'm from Los Angeles. And, and I just moved to San Diego and this dude was like, Hey man, this meeting's great.

And this meeting's great. And you should go to this meeting. And so dude was like, Hey, there's this meeting, there's this meeting. And they got me connected to AA. And I, and I, one of the things the guy introduced me to was a Sunday, a men's meeting that I go to almost every week.

I'm probably going after this cause my mom's in town. So I probably spend Sunday with my mom, but almost every week. And I've been the secretary of that meeting and I've made coffee for them. And on the, on the, they call it the phone list person.

And just because you guys taught me how to, you know, I don't say no to AA requests. So they asked me to do things and I do it. And I go to that meeting regularly and I'm of service.

And I go to a Tuesday meeting, which is a, just a black print meeting, which my wife that's was her home group and thought I was just going to kind of go there to support her.

And she went a couple times and really interfered with her work. And I started going regularly and got commitments there and it's set up. And I did their phone list and you know, I'm connected to those meetings.

And then I go to my Wednesday virtual coif meeting where I see all my people that's given me a good, a good life and foundation.

And where I'm at today is a, you know, I'm at my second position for, for teaching first place I got, got to a place where it was no longer tolerable for me.

And I'd left, but because of all the things you taught me, guys taught me how to do. One of the assistant principals I had, he became principal at a new place and I contacted him and I'm like, Hey dude, you got a position?

And he's like, dude, I got you now. And he got me an interview and hired me. And and now I'm really enjoying teaching. I hated teaching. I hated it going back after COVID and loved it during COVID.

That was awesome. But hated it after the COVID and didn't like what my district was doing and I let them know I didn't like it.

And, you know, it was just a brutal year last year. And, you know, I got this new job and they like me, I'm enjoying it and it's a really good place.

And now I got my, got my mom in town and you guys, you know, when I got to AA, my mom and I weren't speaking and we didn't talk.

And you guys taught me how to make amends to her and you guys taught me how to forgive her and you guys taught me how to be of service.

And I am. And she can drive me crazy. And her dog, who is now cohabitating with us as well, can drive me crazy.

But she's going to be here for two months and I'm OK with that because she's retired.

And, you know, she lives with my brother. And for those of you who met my brother know how challenging that can be.

So she's spending her up her winter with me. And I know that all I got to do is be of service, act as if and call my sponsor friends here and call my friends in in San Diego.

It's taken me a while to get close to a couple of guys here in San Diego.

But I had the first dude I kind of got close with. He during Covid he hash tag them like many do travel where we still talk to at least once a month, once or a couple of months.

And he's got married. He's living Singapore. And I'm looking forward to seeing him again when he gets into town.

He's a Texas Woodlow. And, you know, man, I know I got three minutes left, but I'm pretty much just scrounging for time.

So I'm going to stop yammering. And thank you, Bennett, for allowing me to to be of service.

And thanks, Greg, for your multi year of sponsorship and everything you do for me.

And, Bruce, thanks for staying awake, man. I totally appreciate that, bro. And all life is all.

Thank you, guys. You share.