Janice’s Journey: From Early Addiction to AA Fellowship

Hi everybody, my name is Janice Offowitz.

I'm an alcoholic.

Hello.

And I think I can wait right there.

Hi everybody on Zoom.

Nice to see you all.

I am super honored to be here

and I want to thank Ben for the honor and privilege.

And we've become buddies, texting buddies.

And I love that about Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I want to thank Skylar for reading chapter five.

And I want to read Tarik for reading the 12 traditions.

And I want to thank my hostess with the mostest,

Karen, for welcoming me and showing me around,

especially the bathroom when I got here, no luck.

And your love and your kindness.

And Bruce for being my escort in the good way today, right?

And I especially want to thank Sean.

That was an awesome, awesome share.

Thank you so much.

I got a meeting because now you got to hear me,

but I got my meeting.

Thank you so much.

I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous

and I love alcoholics.

And Nate, great job leading the meeting.

And it was so great to meet

each and every one of you tonight.

And I feel like I'm meeting all of you too.

You know, you're my brothers and my sisters.

You're my people, you're my tribe.

You are my peeps.

And you know, bottom line,

let me tell you my variety date.

It's May 11th, 1997.

My home group is the Pacific roof down the street

and my sponsor's Pat Yoke.

And those are really important things to me to this day.

I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, I didn't get sober my first, second, third,

fourth, fifth, I can't even.

Anybody relate?

I'm a retread.

But one thing about me,

one thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is I do know,

I related to everything Sean was saying.

One thing I do know is that I know a lot of people

that got sober their first name.

And I know that that's possible.

That's not my story.

And I'm gonna keep my story because here's how it goes.

I was born in Torrance, California.

I'm the middle misfit of three kids.

And you know what?

I was born, I believe, alcoholic.

You know, I was lying at the age of two and three.

You know, did you eat the cookies in the cookie jar?

There's crumbs all over my face.

And I'm like, no.

Did you take all the icing off the cake and put it back?

No, my sister did it.

You know, I was just a liar, right?

I was a liar.

There was something about my family,

mom, dad, brother, sister, love my family so much.

We had a dysfunctional family.

Mom and dad fought all the time.

That doesn't make me alcoholic.

But they fought, they weren't a good mix.

But you know, they did everything for us.

And it wasn't enough.

You know, I'm the girl that needs more.

I need more of everything.

I was a chunky kid.

I remember at the age of five,

it was all about me and kindergarten.

My mom cut my hair and everybody called me James.

And I had a profound effect of that.

You know, and I, you know, it was like,

I remember very early too in my very young years.

My mom and dad would fight, but my mom would say,

you know, go out in the world

and make sure everybody thinks everything is fine.

You know, it's fine.

We don't fight.

We don't like pull knives out of the house.

We don't have pots and pans flying through the house.

So I became fine.

Everything is good, fine.

People pleasing, Sean, me too.

People pleasing, whatever you wanted to see is what you got.

You know, and my first chemical

from the neck up besides sugar was Dexadrine.

Okay, I'm a very high energy girl.

I do not need to be on speed at the age of nine.

At the age of nine, I was chunky.

My mom did not want that for us girls

because my mother was a very heavy girl

and she did everything in her power to help us.

So I was taking Dexadrine at the age of nine.

I was helping mom clean the house.

Mom and dad drank.

Mom and dad did drink.

They seemed to get along better when they drank.

I loved everything about the drink with them.

I loved everything.

I loved the clicky click of the ice.

I loved everything that they did.

It was very attractive and sexy to me.

My dad smoked.

I loved that.

My brother and sister didn't like that

but I remember I was very young

and mom and dad were Italian

and we could have a little wine at dinner

and we could have a little beer.

I remember I had some beer, my dad's Coors beer

when I was like 10, 11.

I remember I would put salt in my dad's phone.

That was so cool.

And cold duck and Spamanti and Bartles and James

but the thing I really liked was Booms Farm tickle pink.

Anybody get tickled pink like I did?

I loved it.

And so I remember, here's life is what's going on.

I'm the girl, I'm very sociable.

I get along with people that I'm uncomfortable in my skin.

Super uncomfortable in my skin.

I care more about what you think of me than I do.

So I'm going to be whatever you want me to be.

And I remember that.

But when I drink, honey, I am a bag of chips

and you are lucky to be with me.

And that started happening for me very early.

When I started getting that buzz on,

I'm like, oh, you are on the natch.

I care about what you think of me.

Oh my God, what do you think of me, Nancy?

Am I okay with everything in my teeth?

Is my butt too big?

Do you think that's my,

that's already the committee going really young, right?

Like you're talking to me but I'm already thinking

about what I'm gonna say back to you

because I care about what you think

and I need to make you think that I'm really smart.

And that was going very early for me.

Anybody relate?

The committee was started, right?

And I'm like, oh my gosh, but when I drink, I really care.

I really don't care.

And that happened for me.

It changed my perception of me and of you.

And I wasn't drinking every day

at the age of 12 and 13 and 14.

But I do remember I started getting my buzz on

in high school and I remember my first brown out.

My parents live in Torrance.

I actually live in that home now.

I'll get to that.

And I remember my first kind of brown blackout.

Everybody was laughing with me at the time

and pretty soon I become the laugh of the party

because I am nothing short of a liar, cheat, thief

and a ho ho ho as an alcoholic drinking woman.

That is what I am.

That is what I do.

I go to jail.

I got DUIs.

I go to jail.

In the car, smashing the car, on my bike,

walking drunk in public, on the bus.

I go to jail.

But that didn't start until I was 21.

So before I was 21, my parents had a,

this is when I started really like

kind of already disappointed family.

You know, they had a graduation party for me.

And I don't know about you guys,

but I don't like to eat when I drink

because I like the effect produced by alcohol.

So I sort of blacked out at my high school graduation.

I don't remember.

And my parents had a little party for me

and I forgot to go.

You know, so I'm 17 years old

and already starting to disappoint the family.

But I always thought alcohol was the thing

that it was very glamorous and exciting.

And I wanted to grow up really fast.

That's just who I was.

I started getting into bars when I was 19.

The rain tree and beach bum birds and the red onion

and poncho and wands and Don Jose, you know,

all these places that I was going.

And I started doing things that allowed me to drink more.

Right?

I remember I had a drug driving while I was 21, 24, 31.

And what that was for me,

oh, and by the way, I'm seeing therapists

'cause I have a lot of problems.

I'm depressed.

I have eating disorders, but I drink and I drink.

And the only thing that makes me feel okay is that drink.

But I'm also, and here's what the other thing about

alcoholics and my brothers and my sisters,

we're hard workers.

We've always been a hard worker.

I'm gonna get it done and I'm gonna be a best.

I always wanted to be the best.

Gonna be a perfectionist, perfectionist, perfectionist.

You know, but things started happening.

21, I got that DUI, you know,

and here's how I drink a DUI.

Here's how I, I just wanna paint the picture for you.

10 Long Island iced teas, lots of kamikaze.

And we were doing shots of orgasms back in those days.

And I don't know, I lost track of them.

How much I drank it in the car.

And you know, I get pulled over

because I'm bombed out of my mind

about a block away from my house.

But there's an office, a female officer and a male officer.

And this is how totally inappropriate I am.

So there's a male officer and I offer him

a personal breathalyzer in the back of the car.

We'll call it a day, right?

But then I tell the female officer

that I know that she's a lesbian

and she's going to rape me.

You know, they don't like that very much.

So they handcuffed me, hogtied me, took me to jail.

First nudge from the judge.

Thank you, God.

Everything that has happened to me

has been my God shots to get here to you, right?

21, get the DUI.

I'm working, you know, I fulfill all those obligations.

But boy, I'll tell you,

I'll never forget my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Y'all were talking about drinking, right?

Talking about alcohol and my mouth was salivating.

I belong to the first meeting I got here.

I didn't get sober till I was 35.

So 21, life's going on.

I do things like break dance and weddings

in a short dress with no panties, skirts way up high.

I think you do that too because I'm a blackout drinker.

I am unacceptable to society when I drink.

There is nothing ladylike about me.

I will go home with your husband, your boyfriend,

or we'll worry about it later.

I immediately get ugly when I drink.

And I do things that women don't do, right?

Ladies, you know, all bets are off, on the natch.

I already told you what I feel like.

I care about what you think of me.

Oh my God, do you like me?

Oh my God, what are you thinking about me?

Am I okay?

Did I sound smart?

Oh my gosh, I drink, I'm like, that's Janice.

You know, and I'm a slur and I'm a barfer

and I pee the bed everywhere I go.

You know, there's nothing ladylike about me

as an alcoholic drinking woman.

Get that second DUI, you know?

And then I, here's the thing that I absolutely love

about my story was being written

and I wouldn't have had it this way,

but I wouldn't change it for the world, you know?

I start, you know, seeing a therapist and I'm a liar.

You know, how much are you drinking?

I'm like drinking bottles of vodka,

but you know, there's this thing about me saying

I have like three beers, but I don't know, I'm a liar.

My lies have lies.

I can't keep track, right?

My lies have so many lies, I write stuff down.

I can't remember what I said.

I call everybody and they remember, they remember.

I've got some great people in my life,

my family, they remembered everything.

And so, you know, I went into my first rehab

and I'm so grateful for rehabs,

for I'm grateful for sobriety homes,

I'm grateful for detoxes.

I'm grateful for all of it, you know?

But the two DUIs, you know, I had a lawyer,

you know, I have a therapist, they're all like,

you actually need to be removed for a little bit.

So I went into my first rehab.

And here's one thing that I am forever grateful

for experiencing.

I stayed sober for three and a half years,

but I had dry variety almost that whole time.

Dry variety for me is I'm sober

and I'm living a double life.

At first year of those three and a half years,

I'm working a program, but then I start doing it

Janice's way 'cause don't you know,

I actually am really smart.

Oh, take my will back.

I'm my own higher power.

Meetings are things that maybe I'll go visit once in a while

quoting the big book of alcoholics.

So notice I'm not living that program

and not cleaning the wreckage up in my past.

And by the way, creating more wreckage, sober.

I never wanna forget how homicidal and how suicidal I feel.

And I'm so grateful.

I picked up a drink three and a half years and it was on

and it was already bad.

And it took not even a week before it got really bad again.

Just bad.

I was drinking two bottles, two gallons of vodka,

probably the first I thought I would sippy sip,

control and enjoy my drinking.

Y'all told me that that wouldn't happen and you were right.

I had never done a four step.

I had a sponsor in name only

and I hadn't worked one through 12.

And that started a series from 91 to 1997

in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

In and out, the yes were happening.

The yes are Janice is the kind of girl that gets pregnant

and doesn't know who it was with or how it happened.

I never wanna forget that that's who I am when I drink.

I never wanna forget the hearts I break

as an alcoholic woman and the trust.

I heard Sean talk about it.

Nobody trusted me.

I really just was that tornado running through people's lives

using and abusing, taking money, stealing from my family,

stealing from everybody.

I know I never wanna forget

that that's how I live when I drink.

I'm forever grateful that I don't live like that today,

that I never wanna forget

because I'm one drink away from it and I know it.

And so what happened for me,

I told you I've always been a hard worker.

So I remember I was working at Rockwell International.

I remember I was not drinking that three and a half years

and then I stayed there four years drinking.

Oh my gosh, you guys.

The Ombudsman is like the biggest government in aerospace

if anybody knows that.

And they were writing big reports on me

'cause I was coming to work in the same clothes

as I had on the day before

because I was out drinking all night.

I was stealing out of people's death.

I was stealing out of refrigerators.

And I'll just never forget

that incomprehensible liberalization.

From '95 to '97, and I'm gonna get sober,

'95 to '97, I drank around the clock pop-up vodka

and I moved about a hundred times

because I take Janus everywhere I go

and I gotta go when you get to know me, I gotta go.

I gotta go, like I gotta go.

I moved to Long Beach, Steele Beach, Hawthorne,

Redondo Beach, Torrance.

And everywhere I live, I needed to get out.

And of course I go to jail everywhere I live too.

So in '95, here's what happened.

I lost that job after eight years in aerospace

due to my drinking.

My father was diagnosed with a horrific cancer

and I moved so many times

and I ended up really homeless

except my mom and dad were helping me pay my rent.

I was really technically homeless.

And then she stopped paying rent

and dad stopped paying rent and I was like five months behind.

I never wanna forget how fear feels.

Just fear, always looking around my shoulder,

always looking, the phone rings, you know who it is.

It's a bill collector.

I don't have anything.

And I would sell my soul to the devil to get money.

Mm-hmm, or to get anything I needed.

So and in between that time also,

Rockwell helped me try to get sober

and I had a year here in between there

and I have another six months here in between there,

another three months here.

And the thing is, is I have a lot of experience

in doing it Janice's way.

1997, May 11th, 1997,

I got into the House of Hope in San Pedro for women.

My God knew exactly what I needed

and it was a very structured place

and it was not easy and I'm so grateful.

I'm so grateful.

Other sobriety have been sort of given to me

and things have been given to me

and they never stuck because it was too easy.

This is not, this has been,

my sobriety has been working one day

at a time for it and I'm so grateful

and not having handouts and having anybody say here,

here's your car, here's money to get out of debt.

I was in so much debt when I came to you guys.

So I got into the House of Hope

and the requirement there is it's 25 women

living in this house and let me tell you,

we came from all walks of life and by the way,

I had absolutely no female friends in my life, not one.

I was afraid that if you knew about me,

you would tell me to go away because you did,

because I had done something to hurt

and we had to learn how to walk through life

one day at a time and my sponsor would pick me up

and take me to meetings and she started taking me

to this place called the Pacific Group

and the girls in that house said,

that would be a really good place for you

and I'm like, what do they mean?

What do they mean by that?

I'm here to tell you, none of those women are sober today.

So grateful, not very many of them

and I know that that would have been my path too

because my first year of sobriety is what happened

is my sponsor started taking me to the Pacific Group

and I saw something there that I had never seen before

as the women stick with the women

and the men stick with the men and that's,

I've always been a 13-stepper and all other AA, you know?

And that's exactly what this alcoholic needed.

I needed that, right?

I needed that and it scared me too.

Like I'm like, oh, they're a little too serious here

but it's exactly what I needed

and I had never really done what I actually needed,

if that makes sense.

I always kind of did it my way,

well they're a little too serious.

So what happened for me, my first year of sobriety,

I was in the house of hope for six months,

within the in living lockdown,

then I went into sober living,

then I started dating a little beacon boy

who lived around the corner

and my sponsor said,

you would not get in a relationship for a year, right?

And I said, no, I won't and I did.

I'm so grateful that I have that experience too

because it almost took me out,

I made it my higher power

and I did started doing what I always do

and what happened for me is I learned the hard way,

it's done in my growth

but here's some of the good things that happened.

I stayed sober, I went to meetings

and then I made him my higher power

and you know, I finally got it

'cause I had learned it in the Pacific group.

There was an attraction there that I couldn't even like,

it was so overwhelming

that I knew I actually needed to go there

and what happened for me though,

is that my father, I told you he was diagnosed with cancer

and he was really, really, really, really sick

and when he was really, really sick and I wasn't sober,

I couldn't be around him

but as long as I was sober, I could be

and my father saw me sober for 10 months

before he passed away

and I can't even begin to tell you

how grateful I am for that,

I can't even begin to tell you

and I got to be there and I got to be with him

and I got to be with my mom and him

and I promised him, I said,

"Dad, you know, I've been trying to do this thing

for a really long time,

I've been doing it for everybody else,

this time I gotta do it for me."

But you're my backup point,

doesn't matter why I came to AA,

doesn't matter why I kept going to AA,

doesn't matter why I turned myself into the Pacific group

but I did and what happened for me

'cause that first sponsor fired me

'cause I was lying to her, you know,

lying, lying and I learned really quickly

because I really needed that.

I learned really quickly, I got into the Pacific group,

I turned myself in and I started doing

what everyone else was doing, you know?

Go to the meetings.

Well, first of all, get a sponsor

and my sponsor said,

"You're gonna call me every day at the same time."

I didn't realize how unmanageable my life had become.

I never really knew that.

The first step is I'm an alcoholic

and my life is unmanageable.

I learned really quickly by getting into structure.

Structure has saved my life.

Structure saved my life.

The Pacific group saved my life.

The structure of the Pacific group.

Sponsor and call six women a day, besides my sponsor.

Go to meetings, get there early, stay late,

do everything this group is doing

and the Pacific group, as you guys probably know

because you guys are also active group here

and you're structured.

We are very structured and that saved my life.

I knew exactly where I needed to be.

I needed to get a job to be self-supporting

through my own contributions

but that job is gonna be what I did in between meetings,

you know, and I made Alcoholics Anonymous everything

and all of a sudden I'm immersed

in something way bigger than I am,

which is a home group and the same people.

Consistency, seeing the same people.

Having a class, 1997, my classmates, you know.

We had 55 to begin with.

We have about 23 now, you know,

and these traditions of the Pacific group saved me

and I remember my sponsor would say,

"You know, this is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna call six women.

You're not gonna make it about you."

You've already dumped on me.

I've already given you the solution for the day.

You're gonna get on your knees

and you're gonna start doing things

that you don't believe in, like start talking to your God.

We started reading the big book

and then we started working the steps

the way she directed me, not the way I did.

Oh, steps one through 12,

not skipping four and five 'cause they're too invasive,

you know, and through sponsor direction

and through guidance and taking direction, my life changed.

Even without even working the steps, it started to change

and then working the steps and then taking these action.

I was told and it was drilled in my brain.

I remember when I heard Clancy speak,

I'm like, "I never heard I had a living problem.

I didn't know that.

Oh my gosh, I have a living problem."

And so I had to learn how to live life on life's terms,

not on Janice's terms.

I never knew that.

I thought I had it all going.

Oh my God, no.

The dumber I became, the better off I was, you know?

I've always been in my own way, always.

The ego, the more I said I didn't know,

the more, the better it was for me.

The more I said, "Oh my gosh,

I can say no thank you to a hundred requests

because I'm a people pleaser.

I want to do a hundred things at the same time."

I don't know about you guys,

but I'd say yes to everything

and show up nowhere when I was drinking.

I'm the biggest flake.

So it was like, do what you say you're going to do.

Be where you say you're going to be.

Start doing this in Alcoholics Anonymous,

take commitments at every meeting.

And if you're not going to show up because you're sick,

you're going to get that covered.

And I started feeling this self-esteem

through accountability.

But really the most important thing

was for me to be there for you.

Not wait till I have it and work all those steps.

And then I can be of service, be of service today.

And I started taking those contrary actions

and going to all these events with people

I didn't even know.

Because what I love about my home group

is everybody's included.

Which made me just be part of something.

Just, I'm one of many.

I'm not, it's not all about me.

Thank you, God.

It right-sized me.

Does that make sense?

It right-sized me.

So many things I have thought.

Six minutes, seven, eight.

Oh, you have a timer.

OK.

Thank you, Abraham.

Thank you, Ben.

The little, here's the thing that started really,

like I remember when I first got my sponsor,

I was in such financial fear because I told you guys.

I had a lot of debt.

And everybody, the creditors were always calling.

So I was always afraid to answer the phone.

But you know what I did?

Well, she told me, before we even get into steps,

we're going to look at your financial problems.

And we're going to start.

So I got in touch with the IRS.

I owed them money.

And then we got in touch with all the collectors.

All of a sudden that fear went away.

And I was making payments because my sponsor so very

kindly said, it's not your money.

It took me 7 and 1/2 years to pay back the IRS.

One little checky-poo at a time.

I will never forget that last check for a read-up.

But the other thing was big.

Do what you say you're going to do.

How many times have you stolen the trust

and you've broken the hearts of your family?

When you say you're going to do something, you do it.

You suit up.

You show up.

You're there.

You're there on time.

You get there.

Mom, dad, I lost my dad, and mom.

Mom and I had the most loving, tumultuous relationship

because I broke her heart.

She was the one who always came and picked me up in jail.

My mom would do anything for us kids.

Even if she couldn't stand me, she still

would help me until she no longer did, right?

So my living amends, first of all, my direct amends

through sponsors, guidance, and direction, and then

maximum living amends and maximum living amends.

In five minutes, I'm going to tell you

I found the love of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm married.

Didn't do any breakdancing at my wedding.

We alone.

We went to Las Vegas.

First marriage ever in my entire life

because thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous,

I have learned how to act better than I feel until I

feel better about the way I act and to become

a sober, dignified woman.

I can still get down with the best of you, don't worry.

But I know what's appropriate and what's not, you know?

And what I started doing was taking that to my family.

I wanted them to say, good job, good job.

You're so great.

You're sober.

Well, I had broken their hearts so many times

they didn't do that.

So you guys are my family.

This is where I got the love, my brothers and my sisters.

And I started in the AA playground.

If I'm making mistakes, I'm doing it

with my brothers and my sisters and my sponsors

helping me, guide me to make that right

and then take the best of the best to the family

because I had done enough harm and enough hurting

that that's been in the forefront of my sobriety

is, oh my gosh, maximum living amends.

Don't do what you used to do.

So, you know, I'll tell you about my family.

I have a sister.

She could not have children, so she adopted from Russia.

And her son has fetal alcohol syndrome.

So if I had any children, I would have probably

had that kind of a child.

And he's severely troubled.

And I have been able with my husband

to help my sister because of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And my brother-in-law and my sister--

thank you, I see the green light--

they rely on Alcoholics Anonymous

because he is one of us times 20.

Fetal alcohol syndrome is a very, very sad and very, very,

very, very serious situation.

His biological mother was like me.

That's a God shot.

And he's got a lot of love in our family.

And my sister and brother-in-law leaned on me a lot

because of you, leaned on me because of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have a brother.

You know, we don't always get everything back the way

we think we need it or want it.

But I have a lot of brothers in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I love my brother.

You know, he has his own stuff.

I think he still really holds a resentment.

But, you know, he has his God.

And I have mine.

And I pray for him.

And we get along just fine.

But he's got his stuff.

And I pray for him on a regular basis, trust me.

My mom-- I'm going to take my remaining time

and tell you about my mom.

So my husband and I have this amazing husband.

He sponsors men.

I sponsor women.

My husband and I have been taking care of my mother.

I've been taking care of my mother.

My mother just passed in December.

I miss her so much.

But because of you, and because of Alcoholics Anonymous,

and because of a God of my own understanding who I love,

and because of strong sponsorship and steps,

I got to make maximum living amends to her one day

at a time for my entire sobriety.

And then I got to make maximum, maximum living amends

by caretaking for her for the last five years.

So she just passed in December.

And I have to tell you, nothing has given me

a greater sense of love and a purpose

in being able to take care of the woman that took care of me.

Being sober is number one God, and you guys

giving me that gift.

Because my mom did not--

I'm her least favorite child.

Trust me.

She trusted me the most.

And that is all because of you and the actions

that I continue to take on a regular basis.

And that a loving God that I am leaning very heavily on right

now, my husband and I got to take--

we moved from West LA to take care of my mom five years ago.

So I'm in her home now, the home I grew up in.

And I get to be of maximum service in the community

that I tore up.

It all comes full circle.

One day at a time, as long as I--

my sobriety and my love, and one day at a time, I'm into action.

I take a lot of action.

I take a lot of action.

Sometimes it's not easy.

But as long as I stay out of the way, it's pretty simple.

And sponsoring women.

And I have a slew of friends because I

have been suiting up and showing up incidentally

one day at a time.

And I continue to do that because it's the gift.

And I would have missed it all.

I would have missed it all.

And so I'm eternally grateful to all of you

for having me here tonight.

It's an adjustment of life.

I can't tell you how having a primary purpose

to be taking care of someone 24 hours a day--

I'm a little lost right now.

But I have God.

And I have all of you.

And I have love in my life that is well beyond what

I don't even want to say.

I believe that we all deserve it.

It's well beyond my wildest dreams.

One day at a time.

Thank you so much for having me.