From Cholo Parties to Sobriety: Linda's 40-Year Journey

- Hi, I'm Linda, I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Linda.

- I forgot one thing, my water.

Always need my drink.

My sobriety date is June 2nd, 1999.

My sponsor's name is, what is my sponsor?

No, I'm just kidding.

My sponsor's name is Sharon C.

My home group is Pacifica Group.

Thank you, Ben, for inviting me to share tonight.

It's an honor and a privilege

to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I wanna thank our speaker, our 10-minute speaker, Nancy.

That was so wonderful.

I just loved her share.

And I felt the same way about my life and my family.

I grew up in Lancaster, that was my first resentment.

And if you're from Lancaster, I'm sorry.

You know, it was just really windy and hot

and really windy and cold and just really windy.

And there wasn't much to do except, you know,

drink and a little bit of crystal mud.

But I mean, come on, I mean, what else can you do?

So that was my life back then.

And my first drink was actually

with my Mexican-American family.

I have like, my mom was one of 13.

And so my aunts were four years older than me,

four and five years older than me.

So we would all just hang out.

So I had my first drink in the park with my chola aunts

and it was Budweiser.

And I just remember just drinking that

and just feeling so good and feeling like I fit in.

And three, I was 11 and a half.

And I had all this makeup, lipstick, hairspray.

I mean, eyeliner, the whole chola thing.

And I just, the Aquanet.

And I just loved it.

And I was not a smoker then,

but they encouraged me not to,

but they were fine with me drinking.

That's so funny.

So that was my first night drinking.

Drink one, then I drink another,

or then I drink another one.

So that was three.

And then these cholo guys came

and they're low rider car.

And then we jumped in the car with them.

And then they had more alcohol.

And I was so drunk that I was starting to throw up

half in the car and half out of the car as it was moving.

And then it splashed back in my hair

when I pulled my head in from outside.

And it was just so much fun.

Yeah, I was like, oh my God, this is so much fun.

There weren't a lot of consequences that night.

And if it continued to be that way,

I would probably still be out there.

What's a little throw up in your hair?

I mean, really.

But what happened for me is I had that allergic reaction

that it talks about in the big book

and the obsession of the mind.

'Cause I couldn't wait to go out with them again.

I hadn't even finished that night.

And I asked my aunt Becky,

could I go out with you guys again?

And she said, yes.

And I always thought about that fun feeling

I had way down deep.

And it was so powerful.

I have never forgotten.

I'm 53 years old now.

And I, that was what, how many years ago?

40 something years ago?

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

What I wore, how I felt, who I was hanging out with.

And all that stuff went down on my fourth step.

And so fast forward a little bit,

I had to go back up to Lancaster

'cause that's where I lived.

I was in Orange County.

But when I went back to Lancaster, I just wanted to drink.

And so I started sneaking out

and hanging out with older friends and drinking.

Not a lot, just every weekend, you know?

'Cause it's hard to get alcohol when you're 12.

And I could tell already that my drinking had a hold of me.

That's how powerful alcoholism, it is the fatal malady

that was shared earlier.

It is serious as a heart attack.

But I didn't think so.

I just thought we were having fun.

I thought it was because of my age.

I thought it was my friends.

And you know what?

I was the one that was sneaking out.

Those good girls were not sneaking out.

So fast forward, I ran away for good,

finally, forever, never went back.

My stepdad was terrible.

Things were going on in that household

that never should have happened to a little girl.

So I was out of there.

And even when I did tell the truth, nobody believed me.

But you know what?

Drinking really helped put all those feelings down.

All those terrible thoughts and memories.

I just drank them all away.

It was so powerful.

So I left, I'm hitchhiking.

This guy picks me up.

I jump in his car.

He's a local drug dealer, you know?

The outside business was really successful

'cause I was good at weighing and measuring.

But I should have been in high school.

So I dropped out of high school.

The only thing that put the brakes on my drinking

is that I got pregnant really young.

I was 15 and I had my son and I told the boyfriend,

we're having a baby.

And he's like, oh no, you're having a baby.

Like, what are we gonna do?

And he's like, what are you gonna do?

I mean, it was just a mess.

The stuff and the experiences that I came in here with,

it's just amazing how the 12 steps

can put our lives all back together again.

First, I had to burn it all to the ground

'cause I didn't know I was alcoholic all the way back then.

I had my son.

I promised him I was gonna be a good mom.

This breaks my heart.

And I have to just say it really fast

'cause I really wanted to be a good mom.

My mom was a good mom.

So I couldn't stop drinking.

I was back in the park drinking with some guys

two weeks after he was born.

And my mom would say, why do you drink so much?

And I'm like, I don't know, I'm just trying to have fun, mom.

Stressful being a single mom.

I moved.

I moved all the way from Lancaster to Simi Valley

'cause it's just as windy in Simi Valley as it is.

I fit right in.

I found my people and started going to Chewy's.

I turned 21 and I was drinking and I was dancing

and I won $500 in a drinking, excuse me,

in a dance contest at Quiet Cannon.

And I don't know if you know where that is,

but I ended up there in Simi Valley to Quiet.

And I won $500.

I was in a blackout.

I didn't know I won, but I still won.

So I was really proud of myself when I came to the next day.

So drinking wasn't so bad.

But then there was another time I went drinking

in the valley and it just, this guy like drugged me

and he took me away.

It was terrible.

My friends couldn't find me.

So what did I do?

I kept that all a secret.

Like when I came to the next day

and he actually released me.

It was somewhere in the valley, I don't remember where.

And I'm glad he knocked me out

'cause I don't wanna remember everything.

But I shouldn't stop drinking then, but I didn't.

But when he released me and I got back to Simi Valley,

I closed the door.

The first thing I did was look all our bruises.

And then I thought, yeah, I could hide that with makeup.

But then I needed a drink.

So I went straight to the refrigerator and got a drink.

I don't know if it was the wine in the fridge

or if it was the vodka in the freezer,

but I did have a drink.

I did not stop drinking for four more years after that.

But what I decided to do instead was I got married.

So that doesn't stop me from drinking.

I thought I would be a good, settle down, be a good girl.

And like person that I married, I guess that's my husband.

The husband that I married was my coworker.

Cuckoo, this is a crazy story.

And we were just roommates.

And then I don't know what happened.

All of a sudden we got married.

So surprise.

My mom was like, who are you gonna marry?

She had no idea like what was even happening.

And I remember walking down the aisle

and nobody would let me drink before the wedding.

No one would let me drink.

So I elegantly walked down the aisle.

And I remember I looked down the aisle

and I saw the people on his side

and I saw the people on my side.

And I thought, I need a drink.

Like this is real.

Have you ever made a decision and thought,

oh no, now I have to actually do this.

Luckily there was a lot of alcohol.

So the whole thing went down and we drank.

And then this is towards the end of my drinking.

What happened for me was like I just could not stop drinking.

Now I'm married.

I have my son and two of his sons

and a dog and a house and a car.

'Cause I thought having those wonderful family things

and having like a nice stable home

would make me be good or stop drinking.

I used to equate being good with not drinking.

Like I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm not bad.

I was just really spiritually sick.

I was so sick that I had to come to AA.

And the end came because I could not stop drinking.

I would fly to Las Vegas every Mother's Day

and say my name was Sarah.

And then the last time I was hanging out with this pimp guy

with the hat and a feather and the chain and the fur coat,

like a real pimp.

And I just remember he looked me in the eye

and he's like, Sarah, you sure you wanna do this?

And I said, yes, I wanna party.

And I don't even know where my friends were.

They were gone.

Like the friends I flew to Vegas with.

And I got out of his car.

He went into this liquor store and I only got out of his car

because at the time I was hearing voices.

And this voice said, Linda, get out of the car and run.

And I did, I actually did what it said.

It was a great idea.

And it grabbed me by the collar or something.

I believe now that was divine intervention

or maybe my prayers from my grandma.

She prayed like the rosary over us every day, it seemed like,

'cause we were all crazy at that time.

So I went running and that was the last time I drank.

The last time I drank and I'm so grateful.

When I look back, nobody was following me.

I was running across the street,

made it to my hotel, called that husband.

All my money was gone

and actually my friends were gone as well.

And he flew me home and I flew home in and out of a blackout.

And back then in '99,

you could still meet your family at the gate.

He wanted to know what happened

and what happened to my friends.

And I told him, you know, they stole my money

and they left me and I didn't tell him about the pimp.

And so I was gonna just take me to my car

and I was just gonna crash my car

into the pillar on the freeway.

'Cause I had been searching for an answer for so long

about the way that I felt.

And I'd gone to support groups, not AA.

I've gone to like therapy.

I've gone to psychoanalyst.

I've gone to, they used to call it,

some people call it est

and some people call it life spring.

I went there and spent thousands of dollars

to figure out what was wrong with me.

And this one guy, normal guy there is like,

I don't know why you're here.

You don't belong here either.

And I said, are you sure?

Like nobody could, and I was such a liar.

So that weekend I had been polluted

with alcohol up to my eyeballs.

Like seriously, like I was sweating it.

I had the shakes.

I was bloated.

I was like jaundiced color.

I was sunburned 'cause I passed out of the hard rock

hood tub pool on my armpit and my mouth like this.

And I thought, I'm just gonna kill myself.

I'm just gonna crap.

And I did it 'cause when I looked in the rear view mirror,

my husband at the time was following me.

And I'm forever grateful for that man

that was following me because that was the end.

Like I was either gonna get help or kill myself

and call this lady.

I called this lady 'cause we were in a class

and we had gone to a bar,

but then we'd also gone to a play

and she didn't drink at both places.

The first time I had my eye on her,

'cause that's weird that you're here with us

and you don't even drink, you drink sparkling water?

What?

And then we went to a play and I said, let's get a beer.

And she said, no, I don't drink.

I have three years of sobriety.

I'm an A&A and I call my sponsor every day.

And I go to a meeting at 7 a.m. in Burbank every day.

And I go to work right after that.

And then she told me she stays there the whole eight hours.

And I thought, good God, how?

Like, what, you stay there all?

The whole day, I was so impressed.

And then she also was really shiny.

And I thought in my mind,

oh, she must take a shower every day.

That's how she's so shiny.

So I called her.

She's the only person I knew that didn't drink.

And I told her about the pimp story and all that.

And she said, this is great.

I was just praying for a baby today.

And when I got out of my meeting and I said,

well, you know, I wouldn't do that

'cause being a single mom is really hard.

So not a good idea.

And she said, do I think I cannot drink today?

Do you think you cannot drink today?

And I said, yes, because I don't have to drink every day.

Just want to drink every day, but I don't have to.

But for you, I won't.

She said, oh, great.

When can you go to a meeting at 8 a.m.?

And I remember I hemmed and hawed and I said,

well, you know, maybe when I'm feeling better

and I'm not so sunburned or whatever,

I don't even know what I said.

I think I just said maybe later, like in a few days.

And she's like, no, do you think you can go

to a meeting right away?

So I lied and I said yes.

And I actually did go to AA two days later.

And she asked me to call her every day.

And she asked me to be willing not to drink.

Had no idea what I was stepping into.

I went to Alcoholics Anonymous in Westlake Village

or it was Agoura Hills, right on that borderline

off the 101 freeway.

It was at a bank.

There were men lined up and women lined up outside.

They were drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.

It was the summer, it was June.

It was hot.

And I'd come walking up, not crying.

I don't know why they thought I was crying.

I was just sweating.

I was so sweaty.

You know, like when you're really like,

and you walk in and I was like bloated and sweaty.

Okay, I was crying, but in the car,

but not when I walked out.

And they said, are you new?

And I said, no.

I just thought they meant new to that area,

not the meeting.

I didn't know.

And they were so kind.

The power, they talk about it in those steps.

Like the power in our rooms,

the power greater than ourselves in our room,

expressing members.

Man, they really just saved me.

They showed me unconditional love.

And when I said I'm Linda, I'm an alcoholic.

They all clapped.

They're like, yeah, we knew you were new.

And I burst into tears.

No one was clapping for me back then.

You know, most people would like turn their back on me

and I don't blame them 'cause I was a mess.

I was 28 years old when I entered AA.

My kids were a little affected by my drinking.

My husband at the time never trusted me

'cause I wasn't a trustworthy girl.

I would say, I'm gonna go drinking for a little while.

Like I'll be back at 10.

Then I would call him at like 11 and say,

I'll be back at 12.

And then I would call and it's one.

I'm like, okay, I'm gonna come home at two

when the bar closed.

And then I wouldn't come home till like Tuesday

and I would go missing.

And he reported me missing.

And I told him, now that's not gonna happen anymore

now that I'm an alcoholic synonymous.

He's like, what?

He just didn't even know what AA was either.

And I started going to women's meetings,

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

And I would go to a meeting on Sundays

and I would go to a meeting on Wednesday evenings.

And I met a kind woman there named Becca.

She got to be one of my closest friends.

I just talked to her the other, like Thursday.

That's how long she's been my friend.

Tamara took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

that first year.

It was a rocky road.

I mean, I came so close to drinking

at least a couple of times.

That one time, I don't remember if it was,

it must've been 60 days.

I climbed up to smell the vodka

just 'cause my mind where the illness is centered said,

you should sniff vodka to make sure that it smells like vodka

and I said, okay.

So I sniffed it and I wasn't prepared for the favors

to go up into my mind, into my head.

And then I remember holding it.

I thought, oh my gosh,

this is when they say you should call someone.

And I put it back and I climbed down and I called 20 women.

And God said, okay, if no one answers,

after these 21 women, you call everyone, then you can drink.

And then I called the last woman.

God didn't really say that.

That was my illness.

That's a joke anyway.

But anyway, so I called her and she answered the phone.

It was a workday.

She was a teacher.

She hadn't started school yet.

That's why she answered.

This is before cell phones.

And we had the ones that were on the wall.

Anyway, I told her, I said, I just sniffed vodka.

And she's like, oh, no, no, no, no.

We don't sniff vodka in AA.

No, we don't do that.

I'm like, I know that we don't drink,

but we don't sniff either.

She's like, nope.

And she's like, don't you have some kids?

Where are they?

I'm like, oh, the kids.

And I was like a squirrel.

So I had to go--

I don't know where the kids were,

but I had to go get them from somewhere.

And I got to stay sober that day.

And I just remember my husband was going to throw me out.

Now it's like 90 days and all my belongings

were all in the front yard and on the porch.

Even my chonies were out there.

Everything was out there.

He was throwing me out because he read my first step.

So if you're writing, hide your stuff.

And so he saw all the stuff about the pimp.

I wasn't even doing anything.

I just rode in a car.

But anyway, see how I was still trying to defend myself

and throwing me out.

And I said, wait, wait, wait.

The kids were crying.

The dog was barking.

My husband was yelling, look at him.

Look what I found.

And I said, I can't do anything until I call the sponsor lady.

Let me go upstairs and call her.

And he's like, who's that?

And I go, you haven't met her yet.

And so I ran upstairs and I called Tamara.

I'm like, Tamara, stuff is going down.

You got to help me.

And she's like, what's happening?

Did you drink?

And I said, no.

She's like, oh, thank god.

She was always so happy when I behaved sometimes.

And she only had three years of sobriety.

She's like, thank god.

So my husband's kicking me out.

She's like, oh, no.

What did you do?

And I said, he read my first steps.

She's like, I told you to hide it.

She's so funny.

Anyway, she's like, do you have anywhere to go?

Do you have any money?

Do you have any friends?

No, no, no.

OK, this is what you're going to do.

You're going to tell him that you're staying.

So go downstairs and just tell him that you'll be staying.

I said, OK, I can do that.

Bye.

I'll call you back if I need to.

OK, bye.

We hung up.

I went downstairs.

My husband's face is in the refrigerator

because he's hungry.

And I said, well, I talked to Tamara, and she says I'll be staying, and he's like, what?

And the kids were like, yay.

And he slammed the refrigerator, and he's like, what's for dinner?

So I got to stay.

I got to stay for a while, because I really had nowhere to go.

And I got through those 12 steps.

I started going to meetings.

I would report-- I don't know if you even know this,

but at women's meetings, we report you when you're not being nice to us.

And then the women would say, you could stay sober, in spite of him.

I'm like, that's true.

And then they would say things like, you don't have to drink over that,

or this one lady.

All the women had nice things to say.

It's not nice to stab them if you don't stab them, and we don't do that today.

And then this other woman's like, if you need help, if you want to get divorced,

I have been divorced five times, so I'll pay my lawyer's number.

And I was like, all these women have my back.

I'm going to be fine.

And it really was fine.

A year-- I got a year.

We all celebrated with coffee and cake.

It was really nice.

They were so kind.

And that relationship ended up not staying together with him,

because he wanted his old wife and his old life back.

We were drinking buddies, and he just didn't want a sober wife.

So we ended up separating and getting divorced,

and I got to walk through all that completely sober.

It was very hard.

I was up close and personal with the carpet for a while.

I was just devastated, especially hard on my boys, all three of them.

But because of the 12 steps of alcoholics and onions,

I was able to make amends to all the children and the husbands.

And then we went to counseling, and we worked all through that,

because I needed to know I was making a decision not based on self.

I was making a decision based on going through the 12 steps, especially

step 10, and turning my will and my life over to the care of God

in step three, including that family, that it's not supposed to work out.

It's not supposed to work out.

And I wasn't doing anything to harm them anymore,

and continued to live that way even until today.

And that ex-husband and I, we're friendly.

Like, if I see him, he's not afraid.

He knows I'm cool.

And I've been to the children's wedding and graduations.

And it's just nice, because Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me a way out

from drinking, but it's also shown me a way

how to be a good sober wife and mother to children.

Like, my oldest son is 38 years old now.

He just had his own son.

He and his girlfriend had their own son, and now that baby's two months old.

And I get to be a good sober mom for him.

I made that promise to his father, you know, all those years ago,

and I couldn't keep it.

And today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous and just doing this thing

daily, every day, praying for the knowledge of God's will for me

and the power to carry that out, when I looked at my little grandson

and said, I'm going to be a good sober grandma for you,

I can keep that promise, not because of me,

but because of the power of a higher power in our meetings and steps.

And my experience is, is that several times--

I shouldn't say several times--

at least for a good long while, in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous,

I almost didn't make it.

Like, at two and a half years sober, even though things

were going OK on the outside, I was still dying on the inside.

I was in the-- you know guys know my home group.

It's like the busiest home group ever, and strict, and busy.

And I just was suffering.

Like, I still hadn't had that spiritual experience.

I was dry, and I was becoming drier, and so sad, and depressed, and lonely,

and blah, blah, blah.

And then my mind would never shut up, no matter how many meetings I went to,

and how many newcomers I helped, and no matter how many times I

acted better than I feel.

And I'm very passionate about this.

I'm not angry.

I'm angry at the disease, because it almost got me.

And I thought, in my mind, where the illness was centered,

that I'm doing everything in AA that they asked me to do.

How come I don't feel better?

And my friends didn't get it.

I'm going to sponsor that move.

She's like, you better find someone close.

I'm concerned.

And I finally met a woman after I had gotten myself $68,000 in debt.

I was behind on the mortgage two months.

I was behind on all the car payments two months.

I had not filed my taxes on time, so they kept sending me all these letters,

and interests, and calling.

And no, they weren't calling.

They were just sending me letters.

It was the credit card companies that were calling.

They found me.

They found my mother.

They found my brother.

They were like, where's Linda?

Then I would wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks.

And then I thought, oh, no.

It's got me.

I met this kind, loving woman, and the power of God spoke through her.

And she told me what was wrong.

She said, I know what's wrong with you.

You just have untreated alcoholism while sober.

And have you had a spiritual experience yet?

I said, yeah.

I thought I did.

[INAUDIBLE]

She's like, no, you haven't.

You either have had one, or you haven't.

You're either pregnant, or you're not.

It's very simple.

She was kind of upset.

She's like, you have all this time--

two and a half, three years-- and you're still suffering.

You're walking right towards a drink.

Oh, and I was dating two guys at the same time.

And I had gotten engaged to one guy on the third date, cuckoo.

Cuckoo loony.

Who proposes to someone a cuckoo to another cuckoo on a third date?

Who does that?

Cuckoo.

So she said, I'm afraid that you're either going to drink,

or you're going to die.

And I don't know how much time we have left.

And it's definitely untreated alcoholism while sober.

It's definitely the spirituality manifesting in all this deading

and all this trip-taking-- because I was going to Hawaii all the time--

and in the men, in the shopping, and that if you don't do the 12 steps,

you're going to drink and die.

She was serious.

And I said, are you sure?

So I'm a secretary of a meeting on a Friday night.

I can't drink.

You're like, there's no way.

I have commitments.

I'm in PG.

There's no way.

And she said, I'm going to get insurance on you.

And I'm going to collect, because I know you're going to die.

I'm going to collect insurance.

So just let me know.

I was told she was nice, because she was from Texas.

And I thought she was got that southern withdrawal.

No, she was very serious and very upset.

And I said, OK, what do I got to do?

She's like, I got to take you all the way through the 12 steps again.

I said, I don't know what I could possibly learn.

I've already been through them three times.

She's like, you're not going to learn anything.

You're going to have an experience, a spiritual experience.

And you're going to have an experience and know the love of God.

And that's what's required for you to overcome this fatal malady that you

have, and that your higher power loves you.

That's why you're here still today.

You're getting one more chance.

Higher power loves everyone.

Some people take the chance.

Some people don't.

Some people are too far gone, or some people just will not.

And then some people become a will not, and then they become a cannot,

because they drink and then they die.

So they don't get to say, no, I don't want to do this.

I'm not going to your meeting.

I don't want to go earlier.

I don't want to do the steps yet, or I still want to date,

or whatever it is they say.

So do you want to be a will not, a cannot,

or do you just want to do the work?

I said, I guess I'll just do the work.

Did all the work.

We went through step one, and it blew my mind.

I'm like, what book is she reading from?

Why haven't I heard it like this?

I think I was finally--

all those-- there's a part in the book that says it was blocked by something.

Do you guys remember that part in the book?

Not property and prestige.

But anyway, oh, worldly clamors.

I was blocked by the worldly clamors.

And I had been selling real estate, so I was making a lot of money.

I bought a house.

I bought a car.

I did all these things, and nothing worked.

I still felt empty inside, and I still felt not very spiritual.

So what happened for me was when I saw all of step one,

like I was really hopeless.

Like I wanted to stop thinking and suffering,

and I didn't want to drink anymore.

And I couldn't stop myself from feeling those things

or thinking those things, like powerless over my thinking,

because now I'm not drinking.

That's when I got that I was really hopeless.

There's no other way out for me.

And so I got on my knees, and I did step one.

And then I got to identify a new higher power

and be willing to open my mind to the power of the universe

or whatever I wanted to call it.

And I got to write down all the old ideas that I had about God.

I didn't even know I had old ideas.

And none of them were working, because I wasn't

going to the higher power.

And when I would go to the higher power,

I was blocked by all the thinking.

And all of it was negative.

And then by the time I got to the third step,

it seemed very serious.

She had me write a list of all the things

that I needed to be OK.

And the list was long.

A college degree, money, house, peace, sponsees, money.

I always wanted more money, so money.

Because when we grow up broke, you think money's going to fix

it, it doesn't fix it.

And then I gave her the list of everything

I think I need to be OK, like papers.

So she's like, OK, give them to me.

And then she took the list, and she was holding on to my list.

And I was like, I don't know.

When she pulled it out, I was trying to pull it back.

Like, I need those.

It was all a lie.

It was all an illusion.

It was a delusion in my mind.

And then she took the paper, and she wrote three letters on it.

G-O-D. And she said, this is going

to take care of all of this.

I was raised to believe that I had to get mine.

I had to hustle.

I had to work.

I've been a single mom since I was 15.

I was really good at hustling and working my tail off.

And she's telling me, God's going

to fix all these things on this list.

I was floored.

Only if I turn my will and my life over to the higher power.

So I waited, and we were on our knees praying.

And then the hot flew by, and I was like, that's not the sign.

She's always wanting me to look for a sign from God.

Butterflies flew by, and I said, OK, that's the sign.

And I promise you, my experience is this,

is that that feeling came in, and it just sat right here

and just filled me up.

Like, everything's going to be OK.

I don't know how.

Nothing had changed on the outside.

I'm still getting my house taken over by the bank.

I feel like the house is being taken over

by the mortgage banker.

The car is about to be repoed, because by day 99, that's

when they come get it.

And I was hiding it in places so they wouldn't come get the car.

So ghetto, right?

Sorry, it's so terrible.

So anyway, that happened.

And then I went all the way through the 12 steps.

And then by the time I got to step nine,

I was making amends, paying money back.

I sold my house.

I got rid of the cars.

I filed taxes.

I didn't actually owe all that money.

I still owed $68,000.

But it wasn't more than that.

Once you file your taxes, they're like, oh, yeah,

you're not making any money.

So we'll adjust this.

And they patched me through to a special line at the IRS.

I don't know if you guys know that.

They're like, oh, yeah, we have a special guy you can talk to.

I'm like, oh, my god, there's more of us?

And he's like, I bet you'll feel better

once you get this cleaned up.

I was like, ah.

My son was in Iraq during this time.

And he was really upset because I had to sell the family home.

He thought we would never have a home again.

Because when you grow up like that, I said, I'm sorry.

I have to sell that family house.

I can't do it.

So when he was in Iraq, he decided to buy a house online.

This was many, many years ago, like 23 years ago.

And he bought a house from Iraq.

And I remember talking to the--

there was something that happened with this credit.

And it got sent to collections.

And this is the power of God for me.

I just needed a sign.

And then I talked to the Verizon guy on behalf of my son

because I was selling real estate at the time.

And they were going through escrow.

And I asked him, could you please help

correct my son's credit score?

It looks like Verizon is taking him to collections.

But he doesn't even have a cell phone.

They told him to use his deployment papers to cut it

off.

And he said, oh, yeah, I could take care of that right now.

You must have been so scared.

He was a Vietnam veteran.

And he's like, we just take care of these things one thing

at a time.

Don't you worry.

I'm like, are you in program?

And he's like, yeah, how'd you know?

I said, because we're going to take care of these one thing

at a time.

No customer service person says that.

Who are you?

Who in AA sent you?

It all got cleaned up.

And my point in sharing that story

is that every little thing, seemingly good or seemingly

bad, every little thing I give to the higher power,

I give over to the higher power in step 10, 11,

and then continue to do 12, be here with you guys tonight,

gets taken care of.

It may not be what I want, but it's always, always--

I don't want to say it's always OK.

I never know what's coming down the pike.

And I don't want to know because some terrible things have

happened while I've been in sorority, none of which

is anyone's fault. It's just that I have people pass away.

There's alcoholics that I tried to help,

but they went out and drank and killed themselves.

And it's like, I get it.

I get it because I was one of those gals

that I almost didn't make it.

So what it's like today is that I have a sober home.

I married a sober man.

I have a four-year-old son.

He has four years.

No, I'm just kidding.

He's four and a half.

I have a grandson.

I sponsor women.

I talk to my sponsors.

My sponsor texted me earlier today.

My sponsor, Sharon, is amazing.

She's got, I don't know, maybe 50 or 70 women she sponsors.

And she always takes time for me.

I feel like I'm the only one, and I know I'm not.

She sent me this text message

because wishing me good luck tomorrow,

not because I'm Irish,

because she knows that I've been working really hard

for the last few months to run the LA Marathon.

And it's hard because juggling all your schedule,

juggling your child, juggling work,

your loved ones, your sponcies, going to meetings,

staying sober for me is the only way to live life.

It's full from the time I get up

to the time I go to bed tonight.

And so she gets it, and she does more AA than me.

And she sent me a little text saying,

"I know you're gonna do great, girl, just smile.

And when you're running, think of me."

And I'm like, "I'm never gonna think of you, but I will.

I'll try, I'll really try."

And I'm thinking of me.

I'm like, "How the hell am I gonna finish this thing?"

And just think of me and God shining on you,

like all these lovely things.

And I just like sit in the kitchen, you know,

like she really cares, she really loves me.

And she's so kind.

She's like, "If you wanna run the marathon,

go run a marathon."

And so I never thought I would have the discipline.

And I ran LA back in 2005.

I ran New York in 2022.

And now I'm running LA tomorrow.

And it did cross my mind, Ben, I'm so sorry.

I can't be here tonight.

(laughing)

And then I said, I texted you back,

"I'll be right back, I'll see you on Saturday."

Thank you everyone for listening.