21 Years Sober: Humor, Anxiety, and Service in Daily Recovery

- I mean me, I'm an alcoholic.

- Oh, I didn't have you.

- Oh, thank you.

I always do.

I'm always like enjoying myself and then it's my turn.

And it doesn't matter how many times I do this.

I just, I always feel that thing in my stomach.

And you know, it's like,

I think about the desperate experiment of the first drink.

It's like the desperate experiment of not feeling

that thing in my stomach.

It's like sometimes I eat and then I don't eat

and then I drink coffee and then I try not to drink coffee,

which never works.

I always like down coffee, some behaviors, right?

And then I eat for, it doesn't matter.

One time I, all I ate, I had to go,

I was speaking at Ohio street

and all I ate were like red vines.

And then I like pounded some cold brew

and then I got up there and I was like, I'm gonna puke.

Like I had so many red vines

and I had puked red vines once in my drinking.

And I remembered, it flashed back

because I remember thinking like, oh my God,

do I need to go to the hospital

or is this just red vines, right?

Is it inner intestines or is this red vines?

And of course I didn't go.

But you know, the memories, right?

The memories, the things that get triggered.

So anyway, thank you.

Thank you, Ben.

So my sobriety date is November 15th, 2002.

My home group is the Pucuema group

where I saw some of you this morning.

Thank you so much for coming

and giving us a great talk or a great shares.

Thank you, Ben, for asking me to come.

I thought I knew where you were.

I didn't know that you moved

and it's, you know, one more time I think I know, right?

And if you ever wondered how many times

can someone drive around, you know,

this parking lot without turning in, the answer's four.

(all laughing)

I was just like, nope, nope, I just did circles

for if there's a, if you saw Kia doing circles,

like that was me.

And then finally I was like, well, let's just turn in here.

And then I saw the triangle and the cone.

And I was like, okay, I'm where I'm supposed to be.

And then I asked Karen, thank you so much for your share

and for being the greeter.

I asked, did you used to be somewhere else?

And yes, you did.

So, you know, again, it's like,

I think I know God keeps me on my toes.

You know, I think I know.

And I was just telling my husband too, like, oh,

I like when I know the area

or when I've been someplace before

because I get a lot of anxiety driving

and, you know, just in general.

And I have less anxiety when I know where I'm going.

And of course I like, oh my God, like I thought I knew,

but Alcoholics Anonymous, like I don't cave.

I left in plenty of time.

You know, I didn't have to worry about being late, you know,

because Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to be prepared,

you know, and I, you know, certainly didn't drink.

So yeah, and I just, you know, again, I'm glad,

I'm glad, so when I signed up to be of service

at our Alkathon, I there's only, so, you know,

because my life has gotten big as a result of being sober

and Alcoholics Anonymous and I have kids and a husband

and we do things, you know,

and so Saturday mornings are like the chunk of time

that I can be away from, you know, my kids

and all that stuff.

And it was like U.S.R. group and then Quality of Life

and then 185.

And I remember I was hostess for,

I was hosting U.S.R. group last year.

So I was like, I don't want to be their host again.

It's like a men's group.

I don't, you know, I don't want them to think like,

there she is again, you know,

and that's why then I signed up for Quality of Life.

And then I was like, oh, but I'm speaking there

and that's like too much me.

So, you know, that's how much, like still, you know,

I'm 21 years sober and like that self, you know,

like nobody cares, you know.

Like I spoke this morning and then, you know, again,

like nobody cares, you know,

it's like I sign up to be of service.

Who's gonna even remember, you know,

like who was the hostess last year?

Like nobody, you know, and that's that self

that I deal with on a daily basis, you know,

that Alcoholics Anonymous helps me to like just get over,

you know, like get over myself again and again and again,

you know, and thank God.

And I'm glad you were there because it felt like,

you know, it's like, oh, friends, you know,

I know Nate, worst bow ties, you know.

I know Roland, he's not yours.

He had a birthday and he's been married a lot of times.

I know Nancy doesn't wanna help you

and not only does she not wanna help you,

she wants to watch you burn.

Well, I know you and I like that

and I remembered it because I identify, I so identify.

When you were sharing, I was like,

ooh, game of thrones, you know.

And, you know, like again, and then someone else shared

that it doesn't matter, you know,

our thoughts don't matter, it's our actions

and Alcoholics Anonymous teaches me

to take the right action.

You know, I can't tell you, 21 years,

many, many inventories, you know, many, many commitments,

sponsorship and sponsoring, all that stuff.

And I still, like when you were sharing was like,

oh, when I'm on the freeway,

I always wish I had like witch powers

and I could, you know, like lift someone's car up off

and like grow like Jean Grant, you know.

And then the other day,

so I watched "The Lost Boys" like twice a year

because I love it and also it reminds me of Santa Cruz

where I used to live.

And so I was walking my dog just two mornings ago

and I was like, I could totally be a vampire.

Like I would just feel like the, you know,

people from the news that I don't like, you know.

I'm like an evil politician, you know,

like I would totally do that, it'd be so great.

But you know, I don't, those are just thoughts, you know,

and a little, you know, sadder than that, you know.

So my dad recently, you know,

my dad almost died in December.

And my dad and as a result of staying sober

and alcoholics anonymous, I am a part of my family again.

You know, I'm a daughter and I'm a better daughter,

you know, than they had before.

And I have mended those relationships

and I continue to make those living amends

by showing up for them.

And I was able to show up for my mom, you know,

and my dad in the hospital, but my thinking, right.

And this is, again, you talked about sponsorship.

Thank God for my sponsor because my dad has suffered

from depression for a very long time, you know,

and it's very hard to be around him,

especially when he's, you know, in those places.

And I am someone that he confides in, you know,

not my mom, not my brother, he doesn't have friends,

you know, like, and it's hard for me, right.

And when he was sick and, you know, he was, you know,

when it was bad, I talked to my sponsor and I was like,

you know, I feel like maybe he should just die

and be released from, you know, the pain of living, right.

And then I felt really bad.

I felt really ashamed, you know,

'cause here's my mom praying like,

"Please God, don't take this man from me," you know.

And we worked through that, you know,

I'm not to feel ashamed of my thoughts, right.

She's like, "It's okay," you know, because I did,

I felt bad for thinking that, you know.

And also that's my shit, you know, that's me.

That's my thinking, you know, like I, you know,

that was my solution.

That is my solution to everything, just die.

You know, like if I'm dead,

then I won't have to worry about it, you know,

like nevermind everyone else.

That's what I've been working for so long

in Alcoholics Anonymous to overcome, right.

I have the ability to think of others, not just me, right.

And she helped me not to feel bad for that thought,

you know, I don't feel bad for my thinking.

What I did was I showed up and I supported, you know,

my mom and what she needed, you know, and I,

and it went away, you know,

and this is how I live in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I guess I am like reverse, right, like, and I'm hot.

(laughing)

So, you know, I drank, you know,

my first drink, I was 14.

I kind of, I grew up in the, in the Valley Woodland Hills.

I went to, you know, Chaminade and it's always fun.

Before I came here, I went to follow your heart

'cause I love follow your heart, you know,

and I spent some money and driving down Sherman way,

you know, it's like, oh, my friend lived here

and there's the DMV where I failed

my driver's license like twice.

And, you know, little things.

I remember, you know, when it, 'cause I live in Glendale.

So, you know, sometimes I'll drive by a liquor store

where it's gone now.

I think there's like a, I don't know what's there now.

It was the green jug liquor on like Platt.

And I remember he had like a bunk check that I posted,

you know, like posted up and so little, you know,

little memories, you know,

and I'm grateful for those memories, you know,

because it reminds me of what it used to be like, right?

What I used to be like, and I hope I never forget it.

Esther, who's a member of our group always says,

or yeah, she almost says,

I never want to forget what it used to be like, you know,

and then the old timers in my group talk about the price

you pay as having to go back and I'm always reminded.

I'm always reminded, even, you know, like, you know,

my husband likes to watch like these shows,

like "Cops" or, you know, I don't know,

like some smuggler show where they, you know,

stop them at the airport and, you know, and it's like,

I feel for, you know, alcohol and drugs

are such a big part of why those people are in trouble,

you know, and some of them, you can really see suffering.

You know, my husband, he does TikTok too, he's sober too.

And, you know, sometimes we watch videos of like drunk

people and sometimes they're funny, you know,

like someone who's like eating pizza in a coma or whatever,

you know, just like, and sometimes they're not funny.

You know, sometimes it's somebody and you can see it

in their eyes, like they're gone, you know,

and there's just rage or there's just pain, you know,

and I get grateful every time, you know, because I know,

I know how that feels and then I get grateful, you know,

'cause I know what it feels like to be on the other side,

right, and, you know, I never drank normally ever.

You know, my first drink was my first drunk, I was 14.

It was before a homecoming dance.

We drank vodka and orange juice in the park.

It was my first date with a boy ever.

And I puked and made out with my date and blacked out.

And that's like my whole experience drinking.

I was a puking, blackout, make out drunk.

I blacked out from the get-go, you know,

and I, you know, I was at a meeting recently

and this woman who was leading the meeting shared

about how she threw up in her car vent one time.

And when I shared, I was like,

I also threw up in my car vent again, like the memory.

Like I don't, I didn't remember.

And then I remembered when she said it

'cause I remember, I hope no one's eating.

I remember how hard it was to clean it.

And it was chunky and the smell,

like it just smelled forever, right?

I had such an alcoholic car.

Like this was a car that my parents bought me

when I turned 16, you know, and I was ungrateful

because my friends got better cars.

You know, my friends got Jeeps and Celicas and BMWs

and I go to Honda Civic and it was brand new, you know?

And I was ungrateful, you know?

And I drove it and I, you know, crashed it.

And I mean, I remember, you know,

I remember driving like to Santa Barbara and coming back

and, you know, waking up to like my car shaking

and it was like scraping against a mountain

on the 118 freeway.

And, you know, and then right after that mountain

was like nothing, you know?

And I didn't have a God in my life at that time

or I didn't have a relationship with God.

Oh, there's the camera.

I was wondering, I was wondering like where it was.

I was like looking around the room.

It's right there.

Yeah, so, you know,

I didn't chalk anything up to anything, right?

So, you know, I drank inappropriately.

I couldn't have, I couldn't do life things, right?

So the way I got by is, you know, I went to college,

my parents paid for stuff.

It took me six years to get a four-year degree

because of, you know, drinking.

I managed and then I just, you know,

basically lived off of, you know, boyfriends, you know?

And what happened because the disease is progressive.

And even though when people talked about crossing

that invisible line, like I really like,

I don't know if I ever had fun, you know,

because I blacked out and I puked

and people took care of me.

And even worse than missing something, right?

Is someone telling you something you did, you know,

that is embarrassing or something that you said

that like destroyed a relationship, right?

But I, you know, you just, I drank through it, you know,

because, and when I think about what alcohol did for me,

it really, you know, the more I live sober

and the more I learn about myself in sobriety

through these inventories, right?

Is that, you know, 'cause when I got here,

I wouldn't have told you that I didn't feel like a part of,

you know, I didn't identify or I didn't know what that was,

you know, and I wouldn't have told you

that I was fearful or anxious, you know?

But I absolutely was.

I am completely run by fear, you know?

And once I'm able to identify the source of my bad behavior,

then I can do something about it, you know?

And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous teaches me to do.

Like I have to uncover, I have to identify like,

what's, why am I doing these things?

Like one of the, you know, I think about in my book study,

we're in, or we just started chapter three,

but we were in chapter two

and that's like making it a good chapter.

And I love where it talks about like

the baffling nature of alcoholism, you know,

because, and I'm gonna paraphrase, you know,

it says like we're alcoholics

and we can think of like thousands of reasons to drink,

right, there's always an excuse to drink.

And it says, but every once in a while,

the alcoholic will tell the truth.

And the truth is that they have absolutely no idea

why they took the first drink, you know?

And that's what I remember, you know,

it's not like drinking, you know,

when everybody else is drinking

and we're having a party or whatever,

it's knowing what happens as a result of my drinking,

the destruction that it causes, the person I become,

when people ask me not to drink.

This is how I knew I was an alcoholic,

a long time before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous.

My, I knew I was powerless over alcohol, you know,

and I knew my life was unmanageable

'cause I couldn't like keep jobs or relationships

or, you know, like cars, I couldn't do anything.

I wasn't a functioning person, right?

I was completely dependent on somebody else to, you know,

feed me and clean with me and house me

and more than anything, like provide me with drinks, right?

And that only goes so far when you're like psycho

because that's what happens to me.

I was, I was trying, I was in a meeting

and I was trying to, it was like in a nutshell,

like if you want to know who, like what I look like

when I was drinking, in this movie, "Casino,"

there's a scene where Sharon Stone's character,

like drives up on the curb, you know,

and she's like gets out and she's like screaming

and yelling and kicking plants and picking up like dirt

and like throwing it and Robert De Niro comes out

and he's like in his bathroom and he's all calm

and you know, all the neighbors have come out

and they're like watching and he's like,

"Look, you're embarrassing yourself."

He's like super calm and she's like, you know?

And I'm like, that's me.

Like that's, add alcohol, right?

That's who I become, like just crazy, inappropriate.

And I knew I was powerless,

but it didn't keep me from drinking, right?

I think about it, like what was I getting out of it?

It absolutely worked against me in all areas of my life,

but it did something, you know?

And at the beginning, it just, you know,

it made things okay, I just felt okay.

You know, like this brain that I have that's like,

is this okay, is this okay, what am I doing?

What are you saying?

Like what, you know, like it just quieted it down

and I felt like, okay, I'm good.

You know, like I can breathe, it's okay.

And then what alcohol, what I needed it to do

was to like suppress the feelings

that came from my bad behaviors, you know,

and the people that I hurt and the things that I did

when I was drunk.

I couldn't live with the knowing or feeling of that, right?

But at some point, alcohol stopped keeping me from feeling

or numbing me or whatever, you know?

And that's all I, and I couldn't not drink.

You know, and my parents had tried to help me

and they sent me to a couple of rehabs.

I went to a 28 day program in Palm Desert

and I'm sure it was a good program.

It didn't work because I didn't wanna stop drinking,

you know, like I, so I played ping pong

and ate frozen yogurt and fraternized and hit a bottom,

you know, because when, you know,

my solution to everything is to, you know, kill myself.

And I think I like half, you know, I had a relationship,

I could feel him pulling away, you know,

and I think about that panic.

Like those feelings are so, and I think it's,

I really think it's God, you know, helping me out.

Like those feelings are so fresh.

I can feel it, you know, that panic of knowing he was,

you know, my lifeline, you know, is pulling away

and I did, you know, did whatever, like,

well, I'm gonna kill myself if you even, whatever.

And then my parents put me in a 90 day program

in Simi Valley where I just said what I needed to say,

went through the notions again,

had no interest in getting sober

and went to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Like I, you know, and I only know this now

after doing inventories, like I wasn't one of,

I didn't not believe you, you know,

when I was sitting in these meetings,

I didn't not believe that you were sober and happy

and joyous and free and live in life.

I wasn't interested, you know,

and the more I do these inventories and learn about myself,

you know, because things pop up and I gotta, you know,

get into action.

I can see like, I just, I didn't wanna do the work.

You know, at first I used to say like,

oh, I wasn't interested, you know,

I didn't wanna live your way of life,

but I didn't wanna do,

I didn't wanna do anything for it, you know?

And so what happened was when I conceded to my innermost self

that I was an alcoholic and it wasn't like,

oh, I'm an alcoholic, you know, like I'm an alcoholic

and I, you know, I'm powerless over alcohol, right?

And my life's unmanageable.

It was conceding to my innermost self.

It was I'm an alcoholic and that means I can't drink,

you know, and when that, when I had that realization,

you know, and I love in the book where it talks about,

we had, you know, 12 terms and I love the book

because it speaks to someone like me.

Like I, you can't give me more than two choices, right?

Like, like God is or he isn't.

Like, you know, what's it gonna be?

You know, and it's like, well, I guess he is,

you know, and it's like, okay, let's do that.

You know, but it's like we have two alternatives to face.

Like one is to go onto the bitter end,

blotting out your miserable existence, you know,

and the other is to accept spiritual health, right?

And that was the part I wasn't willing to do, right?

And dying was taking too long, you know?

So I made a decision because if I,

I didn't wanna be alive if I couldn't drink

and I couldn't keep drinking, you know,

I couldn't continue to drink.

It's that lonely place they talk about in the big book

where, you know, the jumping off place, you know,

can't imagine life either with or without alcohol.

And it was such a horrible place to be, you know?

And so what happened was I, you know,

I broke into my parents' house while they were on vacation.

We had a dog that had epilepsy and took medicine.

I knew where it was 'cause I also used to take it.

And I broke in, took that bottle of Barbiturates,

fully expected never to wake up again.

And, you know, God was working in my life

before I acknowledged him or allowed him to

because my brother, who was an adult,

who didn't live there, called the paramedics

and I woke up in ICU at Olive View Hospital.

My first thought was, "F you, God."

And I didn't have a relationship with God

before alcoholics anonymous.

I grew up a certain way.

I dropped out of confirmation when I was 15.

And it was like, there's God in his people

and me and smart people.

And, you know, that's the way it's gonna be.

And, you know, you said it, Karen.

In diagnostics, it says, "Deep down in every man,

"woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God."

And when I woke up in that ICU and wasn't dead,

my first thought was, "F you, God."

You know, it's like, I knew it was God's fault.

But that's what had to happen for me to, like, surrender.

You know, and my surrender wasn't gracious.

It was like, whatever, you know?

And I stayed at, they kicked me up to the sixth floor

at Olive View Hospital.

I stayed there for 10 days.

They placed me in a six-month women's recovery home

in Sylmar.

It's not there anymore.

It was called Oasis.

And that's where my life changed.

And, you know, those feelings,

I'll never forget how it felt when I got to the gate.

You know, and this woman ran up to the gate,

and she's like, "Hi, I'm your big sister.

"We're gonna love you 'til you love yourself."

And I was just like, "Whatever," you know?

And I really felt like God won, you know?

I, taking those pills was my last good idea.

I felt like God wouldn't let me die.

This is my punishment, you know, and I accepted it.

And that's how I showed up to my home group.

I mean, some of you were there this morning.

These people are amazing and bright and loving, you know?

Like, God is there, right?

And I showed up like, "I'm here 'cause I didn't die."

You know, thank God, you know, that it doesn't matter,

you know, that I'm a part

of Al Pollack's Anonymous, regardless, you know?

And at that recovery home, they said,

"You have to get a sponsor and start the steps,

"or you gotta kick rocks."

They called it Kickin' Rocks down Polk Street,

and I would picture myself kickin' rocks, you know?

And I got a sponsor, and I had nothing to lose, you know,

by starting the steps.

And that woman was so important in my life, you know?

I got a new sponsor when I was 14,

and you know, both of these women,

it's like, God put them there for a reason,

and they've never steered me wrong, you know?

I reach out, and I have women in my life where I call them,

and they give me the words, you know?

They give me the words, and it's so simple, you know?

It's so simple.

Like, I'll fight with my husband,

and I'll call, you know, my friend Tammy,

and she'll just be like, "Amy, what do you want?"

You know, and I'll be like,

"I wanna go to Disneyland," you know, or whatever.

And then she'll give me the words

to like, communicate that with my husband, you know?

And it's crazy, right?

And before I run out of time,

I wanna say like, at 12 years sober,

and it's like this inventory I get,

and at 12 years sober, I, you know,

in sobriety, I have had, oh, thank you.

I have had, so it's actually funny.

I think I've spoken at Quality of Life a couple times,

and the first, I remember one time,

I was pregnant with my first daughter,

and someone had asked me to speak,

and I was like, gonna go, or I was ready to go,

and then I, I don't know,

I might've been like seven months pregnant,

and I went to the bathroom,

and like, there was something that wasn't normal,

and so I was like, oh, ah,

'cause I was like eight or nine years sober,

and I didn't wanna not do my commitment, right?

Not do what I said I was gonna do, right?

That's not what I was taught in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I do what I say I'm gonna do, right?

And then I thought like,

I'm not gonna tell my husband I'll deal with it after,

'cause he was coming with me.

And I told him, I remember, and he's like,

we're gonna go to the hospital.

So I remember calling the person that asked me

from the group, and I was so, I felt so bad,

and I was crying, and I'm like, I can't, I can't show up.

You know, I gotta go to the hospital,

'cause I'm pregnant, and he's like, yeah,

go to the hospital.

And you know, I remember little things like that,

and it's like my, one of my old timers, Louie's like,

you know, if I'm not there,

they're just gonna find another speaker, you know?

Like that's how Alcoholics Anonymous works, you know?

And it's like such these like basic things, right?

But it's like, as long as I do the right thing, you know?

Or if I don't know what that is,

to call my sponsor to help me to like,

figure out what is the right thing, you know?

And the more inventory I do,

the more I figure out like where I'm coming from,

and what my motives are, and what isn't the right thing,

right?

So when I was 12 years sober,

I wanted to drive my car off a cliff, you know?

And at 12 years sober, I was in the middle of Alcoholics

Anonymous, I was in contact with my sponsor,

I was sponsoring women, I had two kids,

I had living amends, I had, you know,

a good member of my group married, all this stuff,

and I wanted to die, you know?

And usually when I have those thoughts,

they like kind of fleeted away, you know?

Like, you know, my team loses, I was like, I wanna die,

you know, and then it's like, that's stupid, you know?

And then I go on with my life,

and sometimes if I think too hard,

it's like, I'll play the tape through,

and I'll be like, oh, I'll picture my husband on,

you know, talking to my kids, your mom loved you,

she was just really sad, and I'll be like, oh no, you know?

And then it goes away, but the thought wasn't going away,

you know, and the difference between being suicidal

at 12 years sober, in Alcoholics Anonymous,

and before that was, I had a sponsor to reach out to,

you know, and I called her and I told her,

these feelings aren't going away, you know?

And I did an inventory, did a fear inventory,

and I uncovered, you know, and it was ugly, you know?

I was in debt, I was in debt, you know?

And what came out on that inventory,

and that I had to face, you know, pen to paper facing me,

was this gross part of me that was like,

oh, I'm in debt and I can't buy things, you know?

I can't shop at Anthropologie, like,

and I'm gonna, you know, leave this earth because I can't,

and I had this resentment against my husband,

and I thought it was about the dishes,

and I had done these little inventories,

and it hadn't gone away, and when I did that inventory,

what I found out, what I uncovered,

was that I was resentful at my husband

because he didn't have a job that supported us both,

you know, and I was resentful that I also had to work,

you know, and I knew what he did when I met him,

and he's a wonderful man and a wonderful dad,

and a great AA, you know, and he loves his job.

I've never loved a job, you know, and I don't begrudge him

that, and so when I was able to see it and recognize,

like, that's not fair, you know?

Like, I can't put that on him.

That resentment went away, you know?

When I acknowledged that, you know, these little parts,

you know, and someone was sharing it,

it might have been your time slot,

it might have been another one,

that the road gets narrower and I uncover more about myself,

you know, it was, you know, thank you so much.

I uncover more about myself, you know, and that's how,

and I live, you know, I have so much fear

and all this weird thinking and all this self, you know,

but what Alcoholics Anonymous helps me do is to live right,

do the right thing.

Everything I walk through that's difficult

in Alcoholics Anonymous, as long as I don't pick up a drink,

brings me closer to that God, right?

And it does get easier, it does get easier.

Like, one thing I never understood, you know,

which is crazy to me, it was that life is life.

Like, sometimes bad things happen, you know?

Disappointment, loss, sadness.

I don't know why I thought I could show up to life

and be like, take care of me

and I never need to feel anything bad, you know?

And that's not what life is and today I choose life,

you know, because I have a way to live, you know?

And it's not always easy, but oh my God, you know,

it's so, I have so much joy in my life, so much joy.

Those kids are so hard, but also like, so worth it.

Everything that's hard in Alcoholics Anonymous

that I've had to do and a lot of it's just me, you know?

Like, looking at me, you know, it's worth it.

It's worth it to get to live in God's grace

and in this gratitude and this love

and to also give it away.

So I should put that in there.

It's not my forte, but I'm working towards it.

So anyway, thank you so much for letting me share.