Yuko's Journey: From Japanese Roots to Global AA Community

My name is Yuko Manakapale, Ben thank you for your invitation, I hope you feel better

and thank you so much for being so nice to me, you guys are so friendly and kind and

I drove from Redondo Beach so I was like it's raining, you know, oh my gosh I would rather

stay home and I go I have to drive to the valley but then like I mean this is it's funny

I'm still okay my sobriety date is November 20th 1996 so I have 27 years you know but

still I'm still an alcoholic, but as soon as I just walked in this I love this room

it's so I mean it's just I feel at home you know so thank you so much for welcoming me

and being so kind to me thank you so much and I'm sorry I didn't get it anyone who's

new no anyone who's in your first year sure yeah okay well welcome welcome to Alcoholics

Anonymous and so Ben thanks again for the honor and privilege oh so Mariana oh my gosh

you are amazing I mean she told my story I'm not exaggerating she told my story so you

really don't need to hear me seriously I was like oh my gosh me too me too me too so but

I guess I will share since I drove all the way no so anyway okay so I I mean can you

tell that I'm Japanese my name is Yuko so and I surprisingly I made another Japanese

selfie right nice to meet you and when I got sober I thought I was the only Japanese alcoholic

like in this entire world I didn't see any Japanese people in AA so like okay I guess

I'm not an alcoholic you know but now like it's Tadashi there's Tomo and actually thanks

to the pandemics I got connected to Japan four years ago and I sponsor a bunch of people

in Japan and Sophie I'm gonna invite you I run a couple of two weekly Japanese bilingual

meeting so on zoom and last summer I went to Japan and we started a new group and we

had a conference and I'm going there next month for the second conference and with my

sponsor and my grand sponsor they decided to help me and they're gonna speak for Japan

and it's it's been just it's so exciting it's just amazing you know so um okay so I I'm

sure I I thought I would run out of time to talk about that so I just wanted to mention

that thanks to AA and this AA community and the connection it's just phenomenal you know

you don't get this anywhere else so I'm so grateful and thanks again for your incredible

share it was very touched and so okay so I was born and raised in Japan so um Japan was

my problem um yes actually I was I was my problem but I was I won't get into um oh and

Kristin Kristin good to see you Kristin's my grand sponsor and she's heard me so many

times but she's like Yuko I'm gonna log on my head is busy so like really okay so but

she heard uh Mariana so that was wonderful oh so I adore her she helps me with uh the

Japanese meetings it's just so much work to run by bilingual meetings Kristin knows that

um so anyway so I was uh my childhood was very uneventful I was just so miserable very

very painfully shy I'm the fourth of five children two brothers and two sisters I was

embarrassed to have so many siblings because none of my friends have that many siblings

I knew I was different the problem of being Japanese actually problem of living in Japan

is that 99% of people around your Japanese and I didn't fit in that was my problem you

know I was like an anti uh Japanese Japanese living in Japan you know born and raised and

I I just was just very weird and I knew I was different and people thought mentioned

I was different um I couldn't sit still I was daydreaming um and my brother I have two

brothers but younger older brother is six years older than me and he was an overachiever

he was just a you know student president he was a straight-A student and he was a pitcher

on his high school baseball team baseball is huge in Japan and he was so popular with

girls and all that and he used to tell me Yuko you're an embarrassment you know I wish

you were not my sister and that you are just stupid you know ugly and you will be single

for the rest of your life because nobody will want you and I was probably seven or eight

when he told me that and yeah but good news is that he and I I mean I'm not single no

but anyway so yeah you know I have kids you know so and but he and I my brother and I

he is the sweetest brother sweetest and it's all because of the steps there's no doubt

and he actually lives in Palos Verdes and we um I actually turned 60 a couple weeks

ago and he um he's a gourmet cook and he just uh took so much for me and threw a party for

me and he's just the sweetest sweetest brother so um but back to my miserable childhood so

I believed him as mean as he was to me and he used to beat me up and stuff but as mean

as he was I worshipped him because he was a great you know great you know he was good

at everything so I thought okay he's right I'm ugly stupid no good I will be single for

the rest of my life because I'm I'm no good you know nobody will want me so and so I was

very quiet sensitive but really weird I couldn't be like those girly Japanese girls so I dressed

like a boy and I had a you know really short spiky hair and I dressed like a boy acted

like a boy yet I was very awkward with boys I did not know how to carry on like one-on-one

conversation at all but people would laugh at me because I was acting funny really like

a clown in my class and I guess looking back and that's how I used to cope with the world

and my weirdness whatever it was and so and then fast forward I yeah I took my first drink

I think probably a couple days I'm not sure a couple days before I my 18th birthday so

I was graduating from school I didn't start drinking much younger or anything at all but

I was graduating from high school in Japan high school kids are quite sheltered so we

go wild when we go into college so I was no exception so now we're graduating so they

started having parties and then but that this minor party I went like a daytime party and

then somebody brought a bottle bottle of Suntory whiskey have you heard Suntory right good

stuff and so but you know we were all so innocent so like hey let's try alcohol and then like

people have a sip and then like just pass it on to the next person and like oh my gosh

you know and then it came to me and then I started drinking it and I loved it instantly

and I held on to the bottle and the bottle didn't move from here and then I don't remember

but I drunk so much and I got completely wasted I was the only one that was wasted at the

party and I became really crazy and I actually grabbed somebody's guitar started playing

the guitar and singing out loud I knew how to play the guitar though but I have never

performed in front of anyone because I was shy you know so I that felt really good and

then another thing I did was I started telling everyone in front of me their character defects

for the first time in my life that just felt so good right and then another thing the last

thing the most embarrassing thing I did was that I'd had a huge crush on this boy in my

entire high school years and he was there he was moving to Tokyo we're in Nagoya so

he was moving he was leaving me so I just got on him like literally on top of him and

they're like please don't leave me I love you you know and then he's like who's this

girl that was my very first drinking episode and I absolutely fell in love with alcohol

absolutely fell in love with alcohol my world completely completely changed and I didn't

care I didn't feel like I became pretty or anything at all but I just didn't care and

then I went on to college and that's when I like you I just partied hard I drank hard

and I became a drummer in a rock band and so all I all I did was I didn't go to right

yeah I still play the drums by the way I'm 60 years old and you know 27 years sober and

I'm still drummer in a rock band and I love it so that's one of the best gifts of sobriety

so so anyway so I have arrived you guys alcohol was so good to me it worked so beautifully

and I was so comfortable with whatever and people thought I was funny fun to be with

people wanted to be with me I was a center of the party and yeah life was great you know

that life was so good I had so much fun so much fun and also you know I told you I was

shy with boys but now you know they seem to like me because I let them sleep with me you

know so but I don't do that today if you're new okay you know I'm happily married and

faithful to the same person for 20 something years you know so you can brag about being

faithful to your spouse only in AA right so I know so so but I I just slept around you

know I used men big time I had no respect for them I just really just used them you

know and of course after I got sober I made amends lots of amends but um but I alcohol

was still working but I looking back I burned many many bridges many bridges and uh uh thanks

to the uh steps I was able to make several amends not all but uh because it you know

I I couldn't it was not um possible but I did my best and so that's why I'm free today

you know and so um and then fast forward I have fast forward um I graduated from college

not in a proper way and I started working uh for the this musical instrument company

in Nagoya I um because you know I play music and then um I was a workaholic too I drank

really really hard I kept partying really hard I was in a band and um I worked hard

also alcohol again was really alcohol gave me so much power and confidence so I loved

work I was workaholic and alcoholic and then one day this guy was sleeping with uh he and

I were in the same band and he said hey I need to talk to you and I I don't like when

people say I need to talk to you right yeah okay so and then like okay what is it you

know and then he said I'm moving to America so like oh shoot I have to find a new boyfriend

but thank god I didn't say anything and the next thing he said was hey let's get married

and move to America so like that sounds awesome well um that's what I did and we got married

I had a really wild alcoholic wedding but I have to tell you he wasn't one of us I mean

I don't think he was because something tragic happened uh we had a wild alcoholic wedding

I was all over some guy who was not my husband at my wedding I got busted and but then like

he you know my husband I'm sure he knew about it but he didn't say anything you know next

morning I woke up with the worst hangover but he didn't give me a tough time like okay

good you know so um because I was like you know I you do whatever I want you to do and

I do whatever I want to do and if you don't like it you're out of my life you know that

was my attitude it's just so funny because when I was well before I started drinking

I felt so so bad about myself so worthless and alcohol gave me so much power and I went

to the other extreme like so arrogant you know and I just had no respect for anyone

you know no compassion no respect it was all about me really truly self-centered and um

so anyway and then um so we got married right so okay good he's not gonna put any restrictions

on me I that's what I thought and I was so excited to come to the state to meet you guys

and party with you and but the reality hit me that the very first day we started our

new life this guy I hardly knew this husband of mine uh told me to stop drinking and right

it was tragic for me like you understand right so like what what I was like who are you to

who are you to tell me to stop drinking like I was like okay this is over right the first

day but I couldn't leave him right away because you know I'm in another country I don't speak

English I don't know a soul it's like okay I have to use him until I get settled so that's

exactly what I got it but I did so um so I uh ended up staying with him for four years

long long four years it was miserable I was miserable but so I used to drink behind his

back um and uh I was lonely very lonely but again alcohol was my best friend and then

uh gradually I'm like I started going to school Glendale College I was in Burbank and uh I

took some ESL class and then I met someone of course right I met someone and he was he

used to live in Japan he was bilingual so we hit it off and then like I started you

know he started taking me to bars and stuff and then like also we used to drink on campus

too and then like okay I got him I don't need my husband so I got rid of my husband I mean

I shouldn't say got rid of but yeah I left my husband uh when he was on a business trip

I I left him and I moved in with some guy not this guy I hooked up with but another

guy who was a drug addict but he physically couldn't drink alcohol but he would buy me

a side he's super dry so I thought wow how nice so I moved in with him right so and I

got myself a little job I know I just have to talk about sobriety so I will speed up

so I got myself a little job at a little Japanese school in Pals-Fertis I thought okay I can

start my new life in West LA so that's where I moved to and then I I was driving to Pals-Fertis

that there's a little Japanese school there so um you know I'm a responsible Japanese

person I want you know self-supporting and all that and that's how my parents raised

to me so um so I uh did that uh I started uh working and uh but I started partying again

because I I got rid of this guy who was trying to control my drinking so like yes you know

this is what I've been waiting for so I started going to lots of bars and started drinking

uh I mean I was drinking anyway but um you know partying really hard and um I was hanging

out I was already 31 but thanks to I'm sure Sophie probably relates you know thanks to

this Asian genes I looked much younger than my age so I was 31 but I probably looked like

in my early 20s and so I was hanging out with like the boys who are more than 10 years younger

than me and just partying really really hard going to nightclubs and stuff and I thought

this is it this is this is it this is my happiness but something weird started happening because

I was really confused I got really confused because I was miserable even though I got

rid of my husband and now partying and for some reason I was not happy and I was confused

and so basically alcohol stopped working for me and I just did not know that and then I

kept chasing the effect produced by alcohol and of course it just stopped working so no

matter how much I drank it didn't work and I was so miserable I got into major depression

fast forward I started seeing a psychiatrist because I thought I was going out of my mind

really like because there's no reason you know I'm I'm I'm fine you know he's gone and

I'm partying and there's nothing wrong with my life I mean I didn't have much money and

stuff but that's okay as long as I have my juice you know like um and men and I started

using men again just sleeping with a bunch of people no respect and I used people and

um this is of course in retrospect but at the time I was the ultimate victim and I was

like that's it's their fault it's their fault and then I got really into major depression

and I tried to get out of them depression like you know started reading like uh books

about depression and just did some writing because my doctor told me to do so and um

you know I was in a therapy session and um her name was Amy she was kind you guys um

I'm not against therapy at all I think therapy helps us therapy helps a lot of people but

what I was doing was that so I go see Amy and I open the door and just you know oh I

sit and Amy comes in and for 50 minute session for 50 minutes I felt okay I felt okay somebody

is paying attention to me somebody's listening to me she's giving me undivided attention

and she's saying Yuuko I'm so sorry wow Yuuko that's courageous Yuuko oh my gosh you've

been through a lot you know and I was just dumping everything on her for 50 minutes paying

a lot of money right I didn't have money but I did it because I needed her and so 50 minutes

and the 50 minute session is okay you call see you next Wednesday and I close the door

and I would start walking to the parking lot and guess how I felt I felt worse than before

I saw her you know it was just a temporary solution I try to try to find out what was

wrong with me and try to find the cause of my misery so that I could fix myself that's

what I was chasing you know but after coming to AA I was taught it's the opposite you know

the other way around you know and in fact my first real sponsor um Lindsay told me to

stop trying to this is when I was new stop thinking about I mean stop trying to figure

out what's wrong with you what's wrong with you is you're just an alcoholic you know that's

what she used to tell me and I was like that's B you know it's not that pimple but it was

really you know she was really right um so anyway okay just has to pass forward so what

happened to me like I started drinking like non-stop I could not stop drinking and I actually

was still teaching but I couldn't show up anymore I mean I started missing work and

then my boss at that time her name was Peggy she was my alan on she would pull me aside

and you go you have to watch yourself they're gonna let you go and I was like what the hell

what the heck is she talking about I am overqualified for this job they're lucky to help me you

know that was my attitude you know and I didn't listen to her and then Peggy was like you

go you know Ginny Ginny was a substitute teacher at that little school and Ginny was Peggy's

best friend so like you know Ginny like well yeah I met her and you know Ginny is in so

if you ever want to go to an AA meeting she will be happy to take you there and I was

like what so I had never heard alcoholics anonymous but it's called alcoholics anonymous

so it's for alcoholics right and just like you I thought that they would teach me how

to drink moderately so uh but either way I was highly offended like are you implying

that I'm an alcoholic I cannot be an alcoholic because I'm Japanese you know that was my

thing you know and I didn't listen to her advice for the longest time so what happened

to me was like I kept digging my hole just deeper and deeper and on my 32nd birthday

my sister-in-law other people my psychiatrist other people just started telling me you should

go to AA and I was highly offended and I thought I could do this on my own and I tried to drink

less on my own of course it didn't work as I'm an alcoholic and so on my 32nd birthday

probably I hadn't drunk for a week or whatever so I was alone you know all the guys I used

they got sick of me and they left me and people who tried to help me I pushed him out of my

life because I didn't want them to tell me anything about my drinking so I was the loneliest

creature I lost my job and I became homeless by the way but homeless you know I was sleeping

on my friend's couches and stuff but then I finally found a little tiny apartment studio

apartment that's all I could afford to and I was just in self-pity I was just resenting

my husband and my parents and my work became smaller and smaller and smaller you know and

so my 32nd birthday I mean I became really suicidal major depression and I was like I

was I hadn't drunk for a few days but okay today's my birthday I deserve two beers like

two beers and of course I tried to kill myself that night and I got hospitalized and that

was really my bottom you know and so and then when I was ready to I was actually handcuffed

and just sent to the hospital by the police but when I was ready to get out of there they

said call someone so I called Peggy my alan and she came right away with Ginny who was

in AA and Peggy gave me that look as you know you you know that you guys all know that look

and she asked me a hundred questions which I couldn't answer at all and I was like please

stop you know and I just was really just mortified that I was still alive I just wanted to end

my life and but Ginny I hardly knew she was there and she hugged me and she said Yuko

it's okay it's gonna be okay and I cried in her arms because I knew that somehow I knew

that she knew how I felt and she 12-step me that morning and so that's how I ended up

knowing that I'm not an alcoholic because I'm Japanese I decided to try AA just took

my life together so and I have only 10 minutes I have to fast forward so I couldn't say it's

over right away I kept drinking because I didn't raise my hand as a newcomer and so

that was really my first step you know and I didn't talk to anyone people I hear people

talk about my sponsor said this and that sponsor what's the sponsor but I couldn't ask anyone

like what's the sponsor I could not ask anyone any questions about AA and I kept showing

up and just not talking to anyone right after this hideous key coming back you know like

I would take off and and it was horrible you know I couldn't stay sober and finally one

sweet lady offered to sponsor me like and then okay what's the sponsor you know and

she explained to me I dumped all my problems on her and poor Patricia she was so kind so

kind she really saved my life because she kind of gave up on me she's like Yuko I don't

know what to do with you you can't stay sober and she you know it's funny she sentenced

me to the Pacific group it's not really that way you know that's how I felt you know like

oh maybe you can try this group like what's this like what's the Pacific group oh you'll

find out so okay so that's my home group today you guys in West LA so so I went to the Pacific

group I didn't raise my hand when I first went there first in our key group and but

I heard some great speaker that night for the first time in my life I just related because

I was ready I was desperate you know and so so after that night I stayed sober but I didn't

go to any meetings so I got drunk again one more time I lost my job and then I decided

to go back that following Thursday I went to the key group again and that's when I my

journey started I raised my hand as a newcomer and one guy named Roy Mia you know he sound

his name sounds like Japanese but you know I'm like you're not Japanese you don't even

speak Japanese so I'm like they're not real Japanese you know like nobody understands

me you know it's just it's always my excuse you know but the truth of the matter is that

I told you like when I grew up in Japan I didn't fit in there Japan was not nice to

me and now I'm here and then my excuse is you don't get me because I'm Japanese you

know my problem is my alcoholism you know and I had a really bad attitude but in spite

of my bad attitude the people in my home group were incredibly kind to me the more miserable

I was the kinder you know you guys were and the first I don't know several months like

my head was so loud and I got this really really tough sponsor called Lindsay Jackson

because my first friend in AA I did not want to have anything to do with you guys but she

volunteered to be my friend so like okay you know and then she's like get Lindsay like

okay you know so I got Lindsay and she really changed my life she completely changed my

life and so I went to seven meetings a week and seven commitments did all kinds of activities

and by then I got another job actually I was working probably two or three jobs and going

to meetings every day and I was driving every you know all over LA and exhausted so by the

time I got to the meeting I was and then the meeting time and I would start just dosing

up you know so or my head was really loud so I was having a conversation in my head

you know throughout the main speaker you know I just really couldn't hear the message but

again the fellowship of AA really carried me through after the meeting people are like

hey you guys you want to go to coffee like coffee it's 9 30 p.m why do you want to go

to coffee but my answer is that okay you know and then I would you know be bitching and

moaning and AA people just really listened to me you know and so but Lindsay got me through

the steps and I was able to make amends to my family and I wasn't talking to my dad I

really I mean I was a big time daddy's girl when I was young but he failed me he failed

me and I was never ever ever gonna forgive him for the rest of my life and I got sober

Lindsay said no that's okay even before I started making amends and she said to start

calling him once a week you know and I started doing that initially it was awkward but you

know and then I made amends and I kept making living amends and then like he and I just

got became so tight so tight you know and he got her daughter back and we were just

best buddies and he passed away 10 years ago but I gave him like 17 18 years you know really

a good time and that's again one of the best gifts of sobriety and my mom also she passed

away five years ago but you know I and I mentioned about my brother and my sisters and I just

I'm really one of those luckiest people that I was able to make really incredible repair

you know not that not I did not that I did it the steps did it you know so and so it's

just incredible so just yeah I will keep your dad in my prayers but you know towards the

end of their lives I was in you know back and forth between Japan and LA and also to

not so 2020 my best friend my sister she passed away of cancer and she was in Chicago so I

just took many many trips my husband was so understanding too so okay five minutes thank

you so I just went on many many trips to just you know make living amends and I never regretted

you know and so but she passed away 2020 so I just skipped it real quick but so my first

year I wasn't allowed to date and I mean I could have never done it without Lindsay's

direction because I was a slut really you know but I did it and then after I turned

the year I I started dating Keith my now husband and then we got into kind of a serious relationship

and then I got scared so I was gonna dump him before he was gonna dump me you know and

then I told Lindsay like I think you know and then he started telling me I love you

Yuko and I was like no say that you know because okay I'm Japanese we don't say I love you

we don't we just don't so like he would say I love you you go and like no and like well

thank you you know I was like I think we don't say that you know so and then like I talked

to Lindsay like she started telling me I love you what do I do like oh you don't love him

like are you kidding me I'm crazy about him he's the best thing that's ever happened and

she said well then you have to say I love you back like he deserves to know you know

so I started doing like I started doing it and today you know we've been together for

I don't know how since 1998 so long time and we have the best relationship but best marriage

and of course we have lots of ups and downs and we got two kids beautiful beautiful kids

we raised those two kids by the principles of this program I went to graduate school

I got master's degree and I became a teacher at a couple different colleges and I just

fell in love with teaching I just my life is good and so my kids were just incredible

you know just and life was good and but so they are 22 and 19 my kids but so my especially

my older one was a golden child okay golden really so kind by nature so honest by nature

and my younger one was a pistol and she was wild so Keith and I were worried about my

younger one but when Kiko my golden child was 15 16 something's shifted and she turned

into a one of us you know and that was the toughest time he and I have gone through many

many things sobriety in our marriage but that was by far the toughest thing Kiko hitting

the bottom we had to kick her out of our house and she became homeless and we did not know

where she was and that's when that was 2020 and I got connected to Japan and God was so

good to me because I had to take care of my alcoholism and I couldn't help her because

she was my daughter she has her own higher power so and my sister died at the same time

and it was a tough time but I just a in Japan is tiny because of a culture so I got to I

still you know I mean getting to be of service to them and so and then Kiko was finally she

at bottom and then she went agreed to go to rehab and when she was in rehab she heard

someone in the Pacific group and then she she got hers as her sponsor and she has three

and a half years sober today yeah thank you and she's in the middle of the Pacific group

and my identity became Kiko's mom you know and I don't mind and she's going to Japan

with me next month and then she's going to be one of the young people speaker you know

and so I'm just so my life is so so good today you guys and one minute okay so I'm gonna

just wrap it up but you know I'm I'm an alcoholic before I'm Japanese I'm an alcoholic before

I'm daughter or my wife I'm a mother I'm just an alcoholic period you know and the rest

of the things all the things you know I didn't even expect to be those are all bonus for

me and because I'm an alcoholic nothing can come between AA and God it's so that I said

nothing can come between me me and alcohol except for God and AA so thank you so much

much for my life. Thank you.