12+ Years Sober: Todd’s Journey from Early Addiction to Friday Milestones

Good evening, everybody. My name is Todd and I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you very much Ben for asking me to come tonight.

I love this group. This group has been...you guys are so good to each other.

Like you really are there for each other. You're a great example of what Alcoholics Anonymous

does as a group and what Alcoholics Anonymous...what groups can do

within the larger AA frame and I just

appreciate you so much. When I was...well, I'll tell that story later.

My sobriety date is October 7, 2011

and so that gives me 12 and a half

years, a little more. And actually more important than that

yesterday was 655 Friday nights that I've

been sober. And I count my Friday nights because I got sober on a Friday

and it's kind of difficult if you're going to get sober to

face the weekend without drinking and using, at least for

me. And for me to be able to say that my sobriety

date is October 7, 2011 is crazy because I'm the

guy who I absolutely did not want to get sober. I came

kicking and screaming. There was no reason why I needed to

be sober. It was everything and everybody else and all the circumstances and the terrible

the things that had happened

to me. And I was a victim and you know

I would just leave me alone. In fact, if you would come over and bring me drugs and

alcohol it would probably work out better for all of us. You know, I'm the

guy that since I'm about 12 and a half I start smoking marijuana

12 and a half and I'm smoking every 15 minutes from that

point on. I mean, literally. I roll 12 joints in the morning and put them in the

back of my pocket and that's how I go to school. That's how I went to work. You know, I smoke when

I drive. I smoke when...you know, I am...and then I'm a big time smoker.

I also smoked a pack and a half of Marlboro Red Box from maybe age

14. I would drink whatever was available when I was a kid

you know, because not much was available except what we

could steal out of, you know, our parents

friends bars. My parents

really weren't drinkers. I think they had a bottle of triple sec

above the refrigerator and

sure enough we tried it. Triple secs, not good by itself.

But I always, from the time before I even

start drinking or using, from the time I'm about 6 years old, I'm the kid

that I'll go in the front yard and I will spin and spin and spin around and around

and around and around and get my head off like that and I always want to just get

out of myself that way. I always want a different feeling. And when I found

alcohol and drugs, it was

that was what I was meant for. And I was

very comfortable. I wasn't the kid that was paranoid or

worried about the police or the FBI or any of that

you know, I had no

low tolerance at all. I mean, I was able to drink and drink

and drink and drink and smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke. I didn't understand people that couldn't handle

their alcohol because I could. I don't know why and I always

wanted one more. And through my whole drinking career, that's how

it was. I mean, if I have this in my hand and that glass gets more than half empty

I am thinking about how to fill it up with the next one. I am always about

the next one. I absolutely have the obsession of more

and needing more. And you know, so

what it was like, I kind of skate by as a kid

and in my 20s, but that doesn't mean that there wasn't chaos

and that there wasn't a lot of lying by omission

and there wasn't, I mean, if I'm nine minutes late

I'm on time, you know, at that point. I wasn't really

successful in anything that I did, but I was really good at like covering up.

And you know, sure there were some nights that I spent in the drunk tank. There's

probably five or six, you know, where I get

pulled in and they throw me in for an overnight.

There was relationships that, you know, ended in turmoil because

of our drinking and using.

You know, there were people that I let down, but you know, I took my car over the

side of a freeway once and I'm

such a good boy I waited for the police to show up. And they threw me

in jail that night too. But I was basically able to skate

by because, you know, I was good to my grandma. So people thought I was a good kid.

People thought I was good. And I was social. I wasn't, it didn't make me go

run away. And all my friends were drinking and using too, so it all seemed

very, very normal. I mean, I did not think that this was out of the

ordinary or something that was abnormal in any way.

Everybody I knew was doing this. So what

happens to me is, like I say, kind of skate by

in my teens and twenties, my thirties, and

this whole time, you know, I had a belief in

a higher power that I referred to as God. But it was

not really a belief as much as it was a respect. It was a respect

because other people had this God thing. I had no

connection. I had no relationship. I had no spirituality whatsoever.

In fact, I thought spirituality was religion

and I was absolutely not a religious person, so I wasn't going to subscribe to

anything like that, you know, connection. But I did have a respect. So it's not

like I didn't, I wasn't exposed to a higher power.

I just wasn't connected. And when I turned 41,

I faced the great tragedy of my life.

And I know that that happens to everybody. Everybody comes across something

that they consider like the big thing that knocks you off balance and

you know, and I didn't know anything about the program, V alcohol, it's anonymous

when this happened. I had a solution, one solution only

and that was drinking and using. And that's really what I thought worked.

That got me away from my pain. You know, that got me away

from the memories and the, you know, it helped me

to have a shield. That was my shield. And

my great tragedy was I was in a relationship from the time I was 30

up until 41. And we

I was in a relationship with somebody who was an absolute

alcoholic and a complete speed demon. And I was just the guy that

smokes pot every 15 minutes and can handle his alcohol. You know, I'm the guy who

I had a cocaine Thursday and I had a cocaine February. You know, I was the guy

who was judging this person for all their drinking and using.

Not really even aware of how I was or

looking at myself ever. Anyhow, one Sunday night

we get into, well Sunday morning actually, we get into an

argument, an argument that lasts all day. And usually when

I would get in an argument with John, he would win every

single time. He'd win every time. But this particular day

that wasn't happening. This particular day, every time it started up

between us, I won. I got the exclamation point. You know, I got

the point across. I shut him down. You know, and I just wasn't gonna

have it anymore. I wasn't gonna have it. It was one of those and this argument lasted

all day and into the night and about 9.45 that night

he took me out in our backyard and he put a gun

to his head and he blew his brains out right in front of me. And he won the argument

that day. And I hate to say it, but the only way that an alcoholic ever wins an argument

is to hurt somebody else. It's never a win-win with an alcoholic.

Ever. I'm so glad for this program that I realize that a real win is something where I

lift you up, not where I'm lifted up myself. And then when I lift

you up, we're both raised. And if it's a win-win, then that's a win. But in this

particular case, John won by suicide. And

he really changed my life. And because I had no

connection at all with anything bigger than me, I went off the rails.

And I ran to my only solution.

You know, I upped the ante with the drugs.

I crawled into the bottle. I, you know, I lived inside the

pipe. And everything about that time was

horrible. This happened October 1, 2006.

And by December of that year, I'd lost

60 pounds. I couldn't work. My whole family was

afraid of me. I wasn't allowed over at my mother's house.

My brothers wouldn't talk to me. I had very few friends that were

coming around. Now, you know, right after the suicide, of course, everybody

was, I mean, I had 40 people at my house for two weeks. And boy was

I glad when they were gone. Because I just needed to get

loaded. And I did. And I found crystal methamphetamine.

And I just, I did everything I could to try to live in

my solution. Again, I knew nothing about this program. I knew nothing

about spirituality. So I had nothing else to go to. Only what I knew. And

by December, I, you know, my body was

starting to really fail. I mean, I

got down to about 119 pounds. And

worse than that, my mind really went wayward. I mean, I'm

the guy that, you know, I see every tree person. And

I see all the shadow people. And it all makes sense to me. And, you

know, I'm channeling different voices. And I'm listening. And I'm talking. I mean, I absolutely

know how those crazy people on the street, those homeless people, when they talk to themselves, I'm like,

"Oh, I know how that feels. I know how that is." And there was nothing, nothing,

nothing that was going to bring me back except a psychic change

that this program can offer a person. So one, so

December, January, I don't know when it was exactly. But there's

one early morning where in my boxer shorts,

I crawl up onto my roof. And I had been on the internet. You know,

I discovered a webcam chat. It was the first, you know, it was

2006. And I discovered a webcam chat. And so I was doing things on the

internet that we don't necessarily need to talk about. But I'll let your imagination just

run. Bump your nose. Anyways, I was doing

a lot of things that I wouldn't want you to Google my screen name with. And

it was because I was craving that social interaction that I had had my whole life.

But I wasn't allowing myself because I was isolating so much. And

I just needed it. And it started, you know,

to get really heavy. And I was starting to get

stopped in real life by people that I had seen on the

screen. And it got really, really, really twisted and

weird. And one Saturday morning early

in my boxer shorts, I crawl up on my roof. And I decide right then and there

I'm going to tell the whole neighborhood exactly what they've been doing

to me. And how dare them. How dare them not give me the concessions for

what I saw and what I went through. And I know you all know. And I know

you all know what a good guy I am. And, you know, and I'm orating

about how I'm a nice Jewish book. You know, I'm just a nice guy.

And how dare them. And after several minutes

of me rattling off, I hear some children

who are playing just a couple houses away. I hear this one

little girl scream up at me and she says, "You're crazy, mister." And I

lost it. I got so upset. And I ran to the very edge of my roof

and I started screaming at all these little children. And I'm telling all these

kids, "I'm crazy. You're crazy. Don't you know what your

parents are doing? Don't you know what they're doing to me? And how dare you?

You're, you know, and I'm cursing and I'm saying all kinds of

stuff. And I'm talking about their animals. They're foul-mouthed

animals who, because the dogs are talking to me at this point, you know,

I can hear words in their barks and the

dogs curse. And palm trees are mean.

But, you know, but psychosis is a bee.

And that's what I was in. And anyway, so I'm yelling at

little children and after about ten minutes, six policemen

start coming up my driveway. They're all in formation. They have their

rifles out and they are asking me to come down off the roof. And I am

livid. I am so upset. And I scream down to the cops

and I say, "Am I doing anything illegal? This is my roof. I'm not doing

anything illegal." And they agreed. I wasn't doing anything illegal.

But they were just concerned and they wanted me to come down off my roof. And it took them

twenty, maybe thirty minutes for me to come down to the edge

and get to the ladder and start down the ladder.

At which point they abruptly kicked me up, put cuffs

on me and threw me in the back of the squad car. They tricked me. And they

took me to my very first 5150. And I say my very first because there must have been

at least ten or twelve of these incidences. I've been taken to

psych wards and hospitals strapped to a gurney.

I've been put in isolation. I've been taken by ambulance.

I've been taken by police car. I've been taken by family member. I

have literally been out of my mind kicking and

screaming. And when I get to these places, you know, I try to be good because

I want to get out. They don't let you drink and do drugs in these places.

And I need to get out. So I would sort of act like I'm paying attention.

And I have to say, as much as I hated and I did, I hated being

out there. But as much as I hated it, I am so grateful because

it's there in those hospitals that for the very first time a panel

of alcoholics come in and they do an H&I panel. And it's the very first time

that I hear really what Alcoholics Anonymous is. I just

didn't know what it was before. I mean, I knew the word sober, but I never knew the word

recovery. You know, recovery is something that you do when you

upholster a couch. You know, it wasn't anything that I understood.

And what I particularly paid attention to

was, you know, a panel of alcoholics. It's three people.

They come in, they tell their stories. And they were pretty

ugly stories. You know, they were, even though, of course, you know,

mine was the worst story in the room. Of course, mine's the worst story in the room.

I've called myself the king of 5150 because I've had so many. But generally, I

speak at these meetings and I look around the room and I realize I'm not the king. But anyways,

I hear for the first time that maybe,

maybe there just might be a different way for me to be.

That perhaps I might be doing something wrong that's not

keeping me comfortable. Maybe drinking really

isn't the solution. Maybe that's the thing that's tying me up. Maybe that's

the problem. And here's what I really liked about them. They never

shook their finger at me and pointed at me and said, "You should stop drinking! Don't do

drugs! You should not do drugs! How dare you! How dare you do this! You better

stop!" You know, they didn't tell me to do anything. They just talked about themselves.

And then they said this, that they didn't think about

drinking. The obsession had been lifted. And after the story that

I just heard from each of them, I'm like, "The obsession had been lifted?"

I mean, I absolutely am obsessed with drinking

and using drugs. Period. I constantly think about it.

I'd say I constantly think about it when I don't have it, but I always have it.

So even if I have it, I'm thinking about how to get the next one. If I'm in a bar and they call

last call, I'm the first one at that bar and I'm asking for two. I'm not getting

one. I drink nine Long Island iced teas. I do not

drink beer. And when I'm being good, it's vodka.

It's vodka. So as I get older, it was kettle one because, you know,

I don't want to have a headache that Kamchatka used to give me.

But I always wanted, you know,

more. And they were saying that that obsession had been lifted.

It was hard for me to believe because I have my thoughts.

I have my racing thoughts. And I've been dealing with them by drinking alcohol

and doing drugs. So curious to me. And they said, you know, it would be great

if when you get out of here, you have an exit plan. Go to one of these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

There's over 3,000 meetings in Los Angeles. You're the luckiest person alive

to be in this disease in L.A.

Go to your counselor. Get a book. Call central office. They told me all these things

how I can connect. And they said, oh, and this. Do it the day you walk out.

Do it the very day. Because what will happen is you don't ever want to drink

and use again after being held in this hospital. And you'll go home and you will

absolutely say that you don't want to. But as soon as you get home,

your life goes like this. And my hand goes like this.

And I'm going to call the connect and I'm going to go get alcohol because I don't know anything else.

So run to the solution. Run to the solution. I wish I did. Because

I obviously had another couple of years

in my disease. When I first discovered Alcoholics Anonymous

I can never get past 10 or 12 days for just under three years.

I stand up as a newcomer at every meeting for almost

three years. And when they say, you know, oh, we do this

not to embarrass you, but so that we can get to know you, I'm like, you all know me.

Like, you definitely know me. But, you know, I kind of credit

my sobriety today to the fact that I

was honest then. I never told you I was sober when I

wasn't sober. I never lied about that. And coupled

with, you know, when they'd say keep coming back, I kept coming back. I did.

Now, I would use or go out and I wouldn't come back that day or even

the next day or maybe even that week. But I would come back because I knew

that there was a solution here. And I was definitely at the end of my rope.

And I had no good ideas. So I start going to

AA meetings and I thought I had surrendered

because I read all these fine steps on the wall, you know, but I'm looking

at the steps and like, well, I'm absolutely powerless. I understand that.

I guess I'm unmanageable. I mean, you know, what happened and

what could something really I guess maybe something can restore me to sanity. And then step

three, that was the best, you know, turn my will

my will, the things that I want, turn it over to something bigger

than me to help make those decisions. And I was on board for

one, two and three. But that step four, that was a trick because they're going to make me read that

to somebody in step five. And I'm not going to do those two. So let's look at, you know,

and that's how I that's how I surrender. I picked and

choose what steps I was going to play with. And sure enough, I

didn't stay sober. Oh, you know, for the first year, marijuana was not going to be part of

my program. You know, I knew that I should probably stop drinking

alcohol and certainly I shouldn't be smoking crystal meth, but I never smoked drunk

kick to dogs. So, you know, the funny thing

was is the longer I kept smoking marijuana and even if I considered

that, you know, sober still was only a day or two before I

would drink or use drugs. It wasn't until I put that down that I was able

to put it all down. And like I say, it took a long time. What happened

was I started doing what I saw you were doing and I

started to mimic what you were doing. And you were reading that book with different people.

So I guess I need to read that book with different people. I wasn't I tried

to pick a sponsor, but it didn't work out. And then the second guy

I picked was a little too religious and said Jesus

was going to save me and I had to get rid of him. And, you know,

I really couldn't pick a sponsor until I

had some physical sobriety. I mean, I picked my sponsor at like

two or three months sober, the sponsor that I have today.

And he's the man that took me through the steps. He read the forwards with

me. He read The Doctor's Opinion and he read every chapter in that book.

And we had a book study where we would read a story out of the

first, second, and third editions. So I got to read all the stories with him

as well. And he really did walk me through that book. And

at 60 days sober. Well, let's go back just a little bit.

At 26 days sober. It had been three years.

And I, you know, there were people betting against me. You know, I was

so not right sized. I would stand up on chairs and scream

at people, "This is right size. You don't understand."

But at 26 days sober, I realized

that day something was different. Like the surrender was different. And it wasn't that

I surrendered to a higher power. I surrendered to what

was right. The right thing to do. The next right thing.

That was my real surrender. It wasn't having

an excuse or reason or a better idea. Or, "Oh, I know

I should." Or, "I will. I will win." Or, "If this

happens, I will do." It wasn't any of that. It was if that was the right thing

to do because I had a little bit of physical sobriety. You know, I absolutely believed

that God always lets you know exactly what the right thing is.

You know, this stuff that, "Oh, I don't know what God's will is." Well, God's will

is to help other people that are around you. We aren't born on

an island by ourselves. I was born with seven and a half billion people

in this world. And I think that I'm supposed to help my fellows.

And lift them up. And help them see light. And if I do,

if I do help you, and the light does come on in your eyes, that light

is shining on me, my life just got brighter. So, I had been

surrendering to the next right thing. The right thing was read the book with

these people. Do these steps. Really start these steps.

They come early. Stay late.

Clean those bathrooms. Pick up the sponge and do those

tables. And, you know, that's, I started doing that because

you were doing that and I knew that was the right thing to do. And on that 26th day of sobriety

when I realized that I was going to get 30 days, I was going to get

30 days. I just knew it. And, like I said, I was a cigarette

smoker for a very long time. On that 26th day after the meeting in the morning,

I was outside with my friend Jody and I lit up a cigarette and we

started talking. As soon as I took the first drag, my head said, "Todd,

you don't need those cigarettes anymore either." And rather than make an excuse,

you know, it was like November. I could have made a resolution

on January 1st. Or, you know, I'm smoking with Jody

who was a very heavy smoker and Jody really needs to quit. And if Jody

quits, maybe I'll quit and we'll support each other. Or here was

the best one. I had 18 cigarettes in my top pocket here.

When this pack is over, I will never buy them again.

I'm just going to finish this pack. They're very expensive. Rather than

have any other idea, my head said, "Todd, you don't need those cigarettes anymore

either." My hand just went like this. I took them out. I walked over to the

trash and I threw them away. And I have not had a cigarette since by some miracle

of this program and that practice of

doing right action. Just doing what is right. And, you know,

I didn't even know I was going to quit two minutes before I did. And I didn't quit. I'll tell you

what. I didn't quit. And I didn't quit drinking. And I didn't quit doing drugs. You know what I

did? I surrendered. I surrendered to what is right. And that's what makes

it possible. That's what makes it simple. You know, I hesitate

before I'm going to say easy because I know that sobriety is not

easy for a lot of people. That's only because I'm in my own way. That's only because

I'm making choices that I'm not running through something

bigger than me. And that doesn't have to be God. In fact, in the beginning

it was just, I chose nature. I chose the universe.

I chose, you know, I certainly wasn't going to be able to stop the

waves from coming up. Or to, you know, set the

sun and raise the moon. That wasn't up to me. So

I felt like that was certainly bigger than me. And that's what I chose.

And of course, you know, here's the thing about spirituality and connection.

If you are in a completely dark closet,

completely dark, and you open that door that much, not even

that much, I can't even, just that much, and let just that much light

in, you're not in a dark closet anymore. And the more you have light, for me,

you know, I have the disease of more. I want, if I feel good,

I want more of that good. I want to push that door open a little bit more.

I want to see more of what that is. And my higher power

has evolved into a comfortable, easy, simple

God that is as important as everybody

else's. And that's one thing I really, really love about this program. That

you know, as soon as I say God, everybody has a different picture, a different idea.

And what you think is just as important as what I think, even if you think

it doesn't exist, it's exactly as important as mine. I sort of feel

with spirituality and higher power that if that were a

blanket, every single one of us gets to carry a single thread. So my

thread is not more important than your thread. It's all part of the blanket. And

you know, my thread might be different colors than your thread, or

it might have a different shape than your thread. But it's just as

viable and just as important. And for so long as I try

to seek what that is, I'm in the know.

For so long as I try, I don't have to figure out higher

power and God. And I never will. I never will. I just have to

continue to seek and ask and be close to and let and get out of the way

from. And say you first. You go first. In fact, I was sitting

up and I said, okay, God, go stand there so I can stand right with you, you know.

And my spirituality is,

well, my spiritual awakening was that I stopped levitating, you know. I

was levitating before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I stopped

levitating. My spirituality and connection is certainly real and certainly

up there, but my feet are firmly planted on this Earth.

You know, that make no bones about it. I am not some

giant guru that thinks I'm floating on air. I am

real world spirituality. It is being used and

I am being used and it is working with and through me. And

it's not anything that I have to like tell anybody that, oh, this is

how it is. You must believe me. No, it's just something that

comes with me. I mean, the greatest gift that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me

is definitely a connection with spirit. And, I mean, that's the key to

the kingdom for me. And, you know, the keys to this kingdom,

I've been given the keys to the kingdom, but I got to tell you, those keys will get

awful rusty if I don't use them to help set other people free.

If I don't carry this message that I have found to other people,

what good is it? And if I can't help you

see something inside yourself, you don't need to see it in me.

And I don't need to go around proving to anyone that I'm sober. I go

home at night and I put my head on the pillow. And I know. But if

you can see it within yourself, that's what I want to help, you know,

manufacture. And I got to tell you, I've been gifted with

a lot of wonderful commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous.

But one of the greatest things that I got to do was

at 60 Days Sober go to the H&I group in the San Fernando

Valley and volunteer my time. Because that's where I found the message and I wanted to carry

the message of Alcoholics the way that it was carried to me. So I wanted to go on

panels and I went to the H&I meeting and

it was different then. Now they have panels on tables. But before

they used to call them from the podium and they had said

I thought that they were asking people to speak on a panel. And he said Tuesday

and nobody raised their hand. And I was like, nobody raised their hand? Okay, well I'm

over. I can speak on Tuesday. And they came over and they ran a little sheet to me and they

had given me my own panel. I didn't know I only had 60 days. And all my

friends came up to me and said, oh no, you can't do that. You have to have six months and you can't

do that. And the chairperson of that particular panel looked at me and she said,

you know what, kid, we need you. And we're going to take a chance on you and I'm going to let you have the panel.

You're just going to mirror somebody else for one or two months and then you can have your own panel.

And thank God she did because I have been sober ever since. And

I had that panel and I started to come

early and help pack the books. And the next thing you know, the next year I was the literature fund

chair. And then suddenly I was the co-chair

of the whole H&I program and soon the director, the director

in charge of 150 plus

panels in jails and institutions every month. The guy

that was standing on the roof screaming and yelling at children and being taken into

those places and being held strapped to a gurney. That was

the guy that was in charge for a little while. That's one thing that

Alcoholics Anonymous really does well. It transforms people

in amazing ways and makes them so

comfortable. And I have to tell you, the obsession has been lifted

long lifted long ago. And the only time I think about

drinking or using is when I'm at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and talking about

it. And I'm protected there because I'm right in the middle. Right in the middle.

I don't think I've ever had a bad day in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had some bad moments.

You know, bad things have happened. You know, life is life and bad things have happened.

There are no bad days in AA. There are only good days and

great days. And a good day is I wake up in the morning

and I go to my meeting. I go to work.

I talk to an alcoholic or two. You know, things go okay at work.

I have a nice lunch. You know, I go home, watch a little

TV, have dinner, connect with some friends, what have you. I go to sleep

and I didn't drink that day. And boy, that's a good day. But a great day.

A great day in Alcoholics Anonymous is when I wake up

in the morning and my car doesn't start. I'm going to be late to work. I might not even get to work.

I've got to figure out how to get to work. I'll call them. They're upset that I have to get there.

When I finally get there, everything at work goes wrong. And people are yelling at me

and I feel like I've let somebody down and

I get a call later and my brother dies that day. And I'm

devastated when I go home and I don't eat and

I'm crying and I go home and I put my head on the pillow and

I didn't drink. And that's a great day in Alcoholics Anonymous because

it doesn't matter what your circumstances are in this program. You

don't have to drink ever again if you don't want to. And even if you

want to, you don't have to. And I had to before knowing

what this program was. I absolutely had to. And that's

gone. I am relieved. You know, I am so grateful.

So grateful to be standing here, 40 pounds,

too sober, and have my work life and

my family life and my home life and my friend life and

my relationship with me. I have a relationship

with myself. I like myself. And I'm comfortable with myself.

And I am not first. I do ask God to go first.

And it works. It really works. It really does.

I want to thank everybody for being here tonight. I really appreciate being

asked to speak. And when I thank you, I don't thank you just

for myself, but I thank you truly from the bottom of my

mother's heart. Because if you could see what her life is today

because she has a sober son, thank you so much for being here.