36 Years Sober: David's Journey from Blackout Drinking to Lasting Recovery

- Good evening, my name is David, I'm an alcoholic.

First of all, I wanna thank Ben for asking me

to come out and share tonight.

It's an honor and privilege for me

to participate in my own sobriety and NEA activity.

I do wanna welcome the newcomers, raise your hands,

and those that are still relatively new.

I know you may not think it,

but this is the best game in town, man, let me tell you.

My sobriety date is March the 5th of 1988,

so I've been sober for 36 years,

and that's by the grace of God,

the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous,

and meetings like this.

As a matter of fact, this very meeting

was the offshoot of another meeting

that we were all members of,

and I've had people in the room

that I've known for over 25, 30 years,

you know, and so it's great to be here tonight.

Kinda weird because when Ben Joey didn't find his speaker

for this weekend, 'cause it was a holiday weekend,

I was like, "Oh, okay, yeah, sure, no problem.

"I'll come out and do it."

You know, it's an honor and privilege.

And then I have another friend who happens to be here tonight

that he asked me to come and speak on a holiday weekend.

You know, and I said, "Wait, wait, am I becoming

"like the designated holiday speaker or something?"

You know, so people are gonna be calling me,

so, you know, come on a holiday weekend,

I'll be speaking again somewhere in Southern California,

you know? (laughs)

So I got something to look forward to.

So I gotta stay sober.

And I wanna thank all my friends that are here tonight

and that came out to support, and my friends on Zoom.

As far west is West Hills, and as far east as Las Vegas.

You know, that's one of the benefits

of staying sober a long time.

You get to meet people, you get to forge relationships,

and next thing you know, it's time goes on and on.

You know, my buddy Ray, I mean, you know,

we've been through a lot together, and you know,

we, you know, boos.

I mean, there's so many people that I can call out

that we've done.

Sean too, yeah, yeah.

I helped him so many, in so many ways.

But he don't, but he don't know, tell me more.

Let me tell you, let me tell you.

So anyway, I'm gonna stick to the format

and share with you in a general way

what I used to be like, what happened,

and what I'm like today.

You know, I was born and raised in New York City

where there's a lot of crime and violence

and substance abuse and alcoholism.

Now, that's just in my family alone.

But I learned to drink at a early age,

and you know, I've gotta skip through a lot of my drinking

because a lot of them were supposed to be,

you would think they would be highlights,

but they were actually lowlights, you know,

because I was a blackout drinker.

So a lot of it, I don't remember

because, you know, once I started drinking

and blacking out, you know, that's it.

You know, I don't know where I'd wind up or land.

And a lot of the things I don't remember,

but I do remember waking up with black eyes, you know,

or some pain somewhere or something had happened, you know,

or there's some funny stories.

But I love to drink, you know.

Now, I qualify for a whole lot of other programs.

I qualify for NA, GA, SA, MA, most A's.

So if your drug of choice was not rum and coke,

if it was something else,

like another drug or something else,

insert, whenever I say rum and coke,

just insert your drug of choice, you know.

And when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, and I, you know, I was an alcoholic and a,

and a this, and a that, you know.

And you may hear that, you know,

yeah, I'm an alcoholic and a, and a,

but not, so I qualify for one of those and a's.

My sponsor told me that, you know,

if I came to Alcoholics Anonymous,

it would take care of all of my problems.

So I needed to add the and a's.

So I said, oh, I'm gonna stick with this deal.

Plus, you know, I was gonna,

I had gone through some other fellowships

and there was one that was relatively new

or young in its infancy and in the program.

And so I didn't, I didn't quite connect with those people.

A lot of them were younger, but also, you know,

it was in such an attraction in Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, the women got cleaned up a lot better

and they looked a lot better.

And, you know, they were a program of attraction,

let me tell you.

I went to those other fellowships

and some of them didn't even have any teeth, you know,

and I'm like, no, I think I'd rather go back

to stick with the AA, you know what I'm saying?

Now bear in mind, married too,

I'm just married at the time.

But I'm grateful for my wife 'cause she stuck,

she stuck with me and she,

she's been the best part of my life

and not all the time 'til I feel that way

or think that way or wanna say, ah, yeah.

But we've been married together,

married for going on, ready for this?

No drum roll?

Come on, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Next week on a couple of weeks, it's gonna be 42 years.

Wow, it's right.

Now don't applaud for me, applaud for her, you know.

She's been putting up with all of my anxiety

for all these years, you know?

And so, honey, honey, we could do this.

Oh, honey, honey, let's try this, you know?

And so I love my wife, you know, and I know she loves me.

I was getting ready the night and she says,

seven o'clock, seven o'clock.

But to me, I know that means it's 10 minutes to seven

because she likes to scare me and stuff, you know,

and try to like make me rush, you know?

And so I know her game, you know?

And so, you know, I was feeling good in the shower.

I don't care about, you know, I was hot all day,

you know, I was out for a little while

and I was taking the shower and I was feeling good,

you know, like, oh, I gotta go, hurry up, you know?

And I do gotta start this talk off with an amends.

I gotta make an amends, a 10 step amends, okay?

So when you get to look over here and look at the step 10,

okay, continue to take personal inventory

when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

I was supposed to meet some friends of mine tonight

for some dinner, a pre-meeting dinner, you know?

But I'm trying to justify it by saying,

oh yeah, well, we never confirmed it, you know?

If you hear that, then that's because they identified, okay?

Oh, but I gotta make amends to my friends

and I'm sure it's gonna cost me a meal or something

or at least a happy meal out of the deal, you know?

But we were supposed to have,

we were supposed to hook up before the meeting

at a Puerto's no less even, right?

And, but when they called, I was actually in my shorts,

not underwear, short shorts, you know?

And they say, well, where are you?

They say, well, where are you at?

We don't see you, you know? (laughs)

I'm on my way.

So it's great to have friends like that.

I mean, that'll call you on your stuff, you know?

And my best friend who's zooming in from Las Vegas,

you know, he's good for that, you know?

'Cause he often reminds me that he's got, you know,

two, 10 days on me, you know?

I'm March the 5th and he's February 22nd, you know?

And so it was easy, all right, look at that.

All right, yeah, right, there you go, yeah, all right, yeah.

But he often reminds me that he's got more time than me

and that he pretty much has been sponsoring me

all these years. (laughs)

But, so my drinking pattern would go like this.

I would drink, okay, now insert something else,

if you have something else that you preferred

and I drink and I black out, you know,

and wind up urinating on myself or someone else.

Wait a minute, come on, (mumbles)

come on, come on, come on, okay, all right.

So, and I knew that wasn't the kind of drinking

that I should be doing, but it also affected

other areas of my life, you know.

I used to manage my finances by robbing from Peter

to pay Paul, you know, and running to turn off,

running to pay the DWP bills

so that they don't turn off my lights, you know.

Well, that did happen once and, you know,

I still hear, I hear about that still to this day, okay.

Sorry, honey, but that was like 35 years ago,

30 years ago, yeah, it doesn't happen anymore, come on.

Yeah, so I just, I love Alcoholics Anonymous

and so when I came here, it took care of all of my problems,

took care of all of that stuff,

because as long as I was willing to do the work,

you know, and the quote for today that was out this morning,

you know, it came out today, every day,

there's a quote for today, you know,

and the quote for today talked about that, you know,

'cause once you get sober, you think that's all you need

to do to sustain your sobriety,

it's like, no, you gotta keep putting the work in,

it takes perseverance, it takes work in this program,

being a service, you know,

Adam so eloquently talked about running,

if they had another name for Alcoholics Anonymous,

it'd be Runners Anonymous, because that's what we do,

we run, we wanna get away from the situation,

we wanna run from our finances,

we wanna run from our finance, from our,

not only our finances, but our spouses or significant others,

you know, we wanna run away from relationships,

and so I was at a meeting,

well, let me tell you how I got to the meeting, okay,

my Eskimo for the sake of the new terminology,

my wife had a problem with the substance

and she was blowing a lot of our money,

thank you, thank you,

and I told her she needed to get help,

she knew that she had a problem and she needed to get help,

and they sent her, she went to this program called Vista

and similar to Vogue I'm sure,

you know, they had an outpatient program at the time,

it was an outpatient program,

and one of the things,

one of the requirements were that you go

to these AA meetings,

and so I didn't think about it,

only thing I was correlated with was like,

you know, you got the AA and you got VA,

you know, and you got some other kind of AA,

like, I didn't know, you know,

she had to go to these meetings,

and so after a few, what seemed like months,

but probably was weeks,

she started getting cleaned up and gussied up

and looking good and smelling good, you know,

and like, where are you going?

I'm going to the meeting,

and I said, okay, well, have a good time,

you know, and I'd have my beer,

I'd be drinking my beer,

watching the sports game or something, you know,

and then she'd come home from the meeting

with these pamphlets and, you know,

are you an alcoholic?

You know, do you have a problem with drinking, you know,

and so take the 20 questions and all that,

so I was, you know, using those as coasters,

you know, she'd bring it home and I put my beer on,

she says, hey, why don't you read this?

And I said, yeah, sure, I'll read it later, you know,

I'll read it later, and one Saturday night,

Saturday night was their home group meeting,

their main meeting, right?

So she's going on a Saturday night meeting,

and she says, you know, why don't you come?

I've been inviting you, I've been inviting you.

I said, yeah, I'll come, I'll come.

So one Saturday night, we got a babysitter,

'cause our young son was about three years old,

three going on four, and we got a babysitter,

let's go down to this meeting and check out

and see who's looking at my wife, you know,

because, you know, she's smelling good and looking good,

you know, and I wanted to see, you know,

what's going on at these meetings here, you know?

So lo and behold, that I know was one to be my best friend,

was one of the people that were eyeballing my wife,

you know, and you all cocked to it,

but she's told me, you know, so thank you for this meeting,

and meeting is very similar to this, as a matter of fact,

there might have been some people that were here

at night meeting, and so coming in, shaking my hands,

welcoming me, you know, smiling from ear to ear,

you know, asking me, did I get a sponsor?

And I'm like, oh, what's that?

You know, I don't know anything about that, you know?

So anyway, let's hurry it along,

because I wanna get into the steps,

I wanna get into the meat of the program, right?

So they told me, if you go to enough meetings,

you'll read your story one day.

I said, yeah, all right.

So I started coming to the meetings,

on Saturday night, we get a babysitter,

and then after a little while,

people kept bugging me about getting a sponsor,

and I said, hey, look, I'm here to support my wife,

I'm not an alcoholic, you know?

I'm here to support her, you know?

And so they said, oh yeah, yeah, just keep coming back,

keep coming back, you'll read your story one day.

So I said, nah, I'm not gonna hear my story, you know?

I was born and raised in the projects,

in the ghetto in New York City, you know?

And you know, I'm from a different ethnic background,

and you know, my parents were blue collar workers,

you know, my dad was a postal worker,

and my mom worked at the school, you know,

in the lunchroom, in the cafeteria, you know?

And so, you know, I didn't know nobody was gonna,

I would identify with anybody in this program, you know?

So lo and behold, I heard my story one day.

I heard my story from a young man,

from a different ethnic background, different upbringing.

He was born and raised in the country,

might've been milking cows, I don't know.

But I was born and raised in the city, you know?

Drinking wine and hanging out with the fellas, you know?

With the garbage can on fire, you know?

'Cause it was cold out, you know?

And so we'd be singing and drinking

and having a good time, you know?

And so I identified with the causes and conditions

on how he drank and why he drank,

and I'm like, wow, that's my story, that's my story.

And I raised my hand as a newcomer,

and I did the things that they suggested we do around here.

Now, this group, Quality of Life.

(speaking in foreign language)

This group, Quality of Life.

This group was part of another group

called Life's In Session.

(laughing)

Why do I feel like I'm on a game show?

Can I win 25?

Oh, who do I see?

What I need to see about speaking tonight?

That was one of my stories.

My wife told me that if you go out to be a main speaker,

they pay you 100 bucks when you're a main speaker,

when you go out to be a main speaker.

I said, "Really?"

So she said, "Yeah, ask your sponsor."

And I'm sorry, was there something I said?

Oh, no?

Now you gotta share it, you gotta share it now.

You guys are laughing too hard back there.

Oh, yeah, okay.

So she said, "Talk to your sponsor.

"He'll tell you how you get the $100."

So I go to my sponsor and, "Hey, Chuck,

"I'm about ready to be a main speaker.

"Remember I told you that I'm running for PETA to pay Paul,

"and I can't pay my light bill and that kind of stuff,

"and I'm having trouble with my finances and stuff."

And my wife told me that if I go out and be a main speaker,

you get paid 100 bucks.

And I said, "If I'm figuring,

"if I go out three or four times a month and speak,

"I can make three or 400 bucks a month.

"That'll take care of some of these problems,

"these financial problems I'm having."

So this was, I had about 76 days,

and I'm sure Chuck is still laughing right now.

He's up at, he might be at the big meeting in the sky,

I don't know, but he started laughing and he said,

"No, David, when you come out to speak,

"when you're asked in advance,

"you wear a jacket and a tie,

"and it's for fun and for free."

What?

Fun and for free?

I'm like, "Nah, I ain't doing all of that."

For fun and for free.

You know how much dry cleaning is,

to clean suits and stuff?

You know, I'm like, "Nah, nah, I'm not."

For fun and for free?

So anyway, so I went to this home group meeting,

licensed session, I got a sponsor, Chuck,

and he started taking me through the steps.

And well, first I had to read the big book

from cover to cover,

because I needed to understand the disease of alcoholism,

you know, and I'm not gonna learn about it.

I could have learned part of it hearing speakers,

'cause we had a lot of speaker meetings,

but all through the step studies.

But I had to read the big book from cover to cover.

That's where you start out, that's the foundation.

Okay, so power through the big book.

Took me a few months, 'cause I was working full time,

going to six meetings a week,

'cause Chuck said, "You got a family, Sunday,

"you stay home with your family

"and spend family time together."

Excuse me, so I was going to six meetings a week

and working full time.

And so after I read the big book from cover to cover,

he started taking the steps.

Now we take steps in a little different way.

A lot of people have a lot of different ways

of taking the steps.

We take the steps, or I did, by reading the step for a week

and then highlighting it the second week,

so I could get a good understanding of the step,

the principle in the step, you know?

And so he started helping me understand the principle

in step one, step two, step three.

The first three steps are he called the foundation steps.

You know, those are like you put one,

you build a house that has a foundation

and the first three steps are the foundation steps.

They'll help you with any problem you may have, you know?

Admitting you're powerless over alcohol.

I'm also powerless over people, places and things.

And so step one being the powerlessness,

'cause I'm powerless, there's nothing I can do.

Step two is coming to believe that a power gainer

and myself could restore me to sanity.

I'm making myself crazy over this problem of the situation.

I'm making myself crazy.

Then in step three, we gotta make a decision.

Okay, you've been bouncing this thing around in your head

for so long, long enough,

you have to make a decision to turn your will

and your care and your care over to the care of God

or your higher power.

I know people have a problem with the word God,

but I'm gonna say it three times just so you remember it,

God, God, God, your higher power.

And once you make that decision, you know,

you're on your way.

Then you could power through the next five steps,

which is step four, five, six and seven.

Adam mentioned step seven, right?

Step seven, Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

Now your shortcomings, you're gonna be identified

in step four, back in step four.

So steps one, two or three are getting right with God

or your higher power.

Steps four, five, six and seven

are getting right with yourself,

identifying your shortcomings,

identifying your defects of character

and Humbly asking him, I had to do it on my knees

because that's how you demonstrate humility

according to my sponsor.

And I believed him because I respected him

and he had helped me so far along on this path.

So I'm gonna do it.

So I humbly asked him to remove my shortcomings.

Now it doesn't mean it's gonna happen right away.

It's gonna happen over time.

I still get mad at the poor clerk

or the now $20 an hour person that's working at McDonald's

and I'm in the drive through and I ask them for a hamburger

and they give me a cheeseburger, you know?

I still wanna put my hand through the, you know,

through the window, but today I have to act differently.

Today I have to act differently.

And so steps eight and nine, getting right with other people,

the people that I've harmed, making that list.

All it is just making the list.

Don't read into it, don't think into it,

don't lean people off 'cause you really didn't

do anything to them.

Put them on there just in case,

go over that with your sponsor.

So you just make that list and then make that direct amends.

Some of the hardest amends that I had to make

was to my family 'cause those are the ones

that were closest to me and the ones that I hurt the most.

You know, I really didn't mean to push my brother

off the bike when he got a new bike and I didn't

and it wound up chipping his tooth

and he had to get a tooth replacement, you know.

Back when he might've been 13 and I was 11

and something like that.

And, but I had to make that amends.

And to my mother, many, many times while she was asleep,

I'd go and steal change out of her purse

so I can go get a little bottle of wine,

you know, a blackberry brandy, you know.

I had to make that amends and those were difficult, you know.

And so 10, 11, 12, people call those the maintenance steps.

I call them the service steps because that's where

I really got into action, you know.

Make direct amends, you know, as soon as possible, you know.

I was a knucklehead, I could have, you know,

hurried up and probably made it on time

to have some of that porthos food.

But I missed out, I missed out.

Now it's gonna cost me, you see,

now it's gonna cost me more.

I'm gonna have to take those breakfasts

or take them to dinner or something, you know.

And so I have to take, continue to take personal inventory.

And I promptly admit it.

And we all, I have to do that, you know.

'Cause I wanna be able to sleep by night.

I wanna be able to be comfortable, comfortable

is the key word.

11 and 12, brain meditation.

And then taking this program to other people.

I work with guys that I sponsor, the ones that call me,

you know, people have asked me, you know,

how many guys do you sponsor?

I said, I don't know, maybe about half of them.

You know, if you want what I have

and you want that comfortability, you know,

you will call me, you take the suggestion.

These are just suggestions.

I don't make anybody do nothing 'cause I can't,

I'm powerless, I can't make you do nothing.

But I can tell you what's worked for me,

how I've been able to get comfortable,

how I've been able to get through things,

how I've been able to stay married for 42 years.

Here's some scars on my back, that's okay.

Y'all can't see those, thank you.

Oh, I've been gifted so much from this fellowship.

I've had the honor and privilege to go see Bill W's house

in Westchester, New York and see the office

where he wrote the 12 traditions.

Amazing, amazing.

But I left that as grounds 'cause it's a house

and then his office is a separate building

and they built a like a welcoming center

because it's now like a landmark in Westchester.

I was elevated.

My cousin came to pick me up 'cause I said,

"Hey, just drop me off and I'll come back

in a couple of hours."

'Cause I wanted to walk around.

It was during the pandemic,

so they couldn't let me in to his house.

But once they found out that I was a trusted servant,

they opened up the door for me,

allowed me to look in, you know, amazing, amazing.

I was so blessed.

And towards the end of last year,

I had an opportunity to go to Akron,

birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Woo, you talk about amazing.

Wow, dude.

I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Bob

for sitting down with Bill, Bill W,

having that long conversation all night long

at Henrietta Seiberling's house,

now called the Gate House.

Oh, now it's called the Lodge.

And I got an opportunity to see that

and sit near there, not in any,

'cause you know, once again, it's a landmark.

Henrietta Seiberling's house is a landmark,

as well as Dr. Bob's house.

We got to sit in the kitchen.

Now they didn't allow us to sit in the kitchen

where Dr. Bob and Bill sat and had coffee and cookies.

And they showed us where Dr. Bob hired his little bottles,

bottles of gin and that kind of stuff,

and how they, he would put them down in the chute,

the laundry chute, and those houses back

in the Midwest and the East Coast,

they have laundry chutes.

And so he put his bottle down there

and dropped the bottle in the chute,

and then go down there later and hide it somewhere

so that his wife wouldn't find it, you know?

And so amazing.

You talk about coming back, feeling a debt,

so much debt, gratitude for this fellowship.

And you know, it all happened

because I went from a grave place,

finding, thinking I had no way out,

drinking, can't stop drinking, had a drink,

had to have one to settle down,

had to have one to cut the edge, get the heat off.

So going from a grave to grace,

and that's finding this fellowship.

This is grace right here.

You're in the middle of grace, you know?

Whether you know it or not.

And then glory.

When you come through on the other side,

when you finally get this program,

when the light turns on, you say,

wow, that's what this is all about.

The language of the heart.

This is what they mean by you will know a new freedom

and a new happiness.

Those are promises to leave you.

That doesn't mean that all your bills are gonna get paid

and you're gonna have to drive a brand new car

and you know, do what you wanna do.

But just that fear that Adam mentioned,

that fear of financial insecurity will leave us, you know?

And so I don't talk about my son a lot.

When he was three or four, when I first got to the program,

and you guys taught me how to be a father.

You guys taught me how to be a coach.

The men and women of this program taught me

how to be the best father that I can be

and break the chain.

'Cause my father was a daily drinker.

I believe he was an alcoholic.

I can't call him an alcoholic.

He's dead and passed on right now.

But I knew I didn't wanna be like him

'cause he ruled with an iron fist

and ruled with fear and intimidation, you know?

If he said throw out the garbage

and you didn't move fast enough, boom!

You got punched in the chest.

I'm talking about 12, 13 years old.

I didn't quite have the body and physique that I have now.

I was 12, 13 now, come on now.

I was a bony little kid, you know?

So I'm still kind of bony and still a little kid.

But you guys taught me how to be a better dad.

And so that three or four year old son when I got sober,

grew up, I went to the best university on the West Coast,

went to Berkeley for undergrad school

and gets better, gets better, gets better, gets better.

Like I said, the best university on the West Coast.

And while he was going for business,

then at some point he said,

"Dad, I took a law class and I'm really excited about law

and I wanna apply to law school."

I said, "Hey, go ahead and apply.

Just go ahead and apply."

So he said, "Well, I wanna get my MBA while I'm there.

So it's two applications and each application is 200 bucks."

I'm like, "Well, why don't you limit the schools

you wanna apply to?"

And so he wound up going to Temple University

in Philadelphia for law school.

And while he was there law school,

they told him that he said he wanted to go to the grad school

to business school and get his MBA.

And whose kid is this?

Whose kid is this?

So he got accepted.

They said, "We usually have people that are 27 years old

and had a few years of working experience."

He had a couple of internships,

but he didn't have any work experience

'cause he went from undergrad to law school.

And now he's trying to get into the grad school,

the business school.

So anyway, they granted him an interview.

He got an email a few days later that said,

"Congratulations, you've been accepted

into the business school."

So he got into the business school and got his MBA.

After law school and grad school,

and we went back to Philadelphia,

we were cheering and going crazy.

All my family from New York came down

because it's the first lawyer in the family, so to speak,

in the immediate family.

And we had a great time.

And so he came back and drove his car back

from the East Coast and took a week off from vacation,

went to Puerto Rico for a week.

And he said, well, he went, took the bar,

he studied for the bar exam,

passed the bar in the first city, okay?

The day he was sworn in as a California lawyer was amazing.

So amazing, it was incredible.

One other thing that he did was he married a woman

that was a childhood friend of ours and of his,

and she popped out two boys.

So now I had two grandsons

and they're following behind his footsteps.

As a result of the pandemic,

my son started taking them to karate.

And so he said, well, heck, I'm taking them to karate.

I might as well start taking this too,

'cause I'm here, I'm waiting on them, you know?

So he was just awarded his black belt.

So my son has a black belt in karate.

And my oldest grandson, who's 10,

qualifies now to become a black belt.

And so he's a black belt candidate.

And lastly, my son became a adjunct professor at USC,

thank you, teaching a law class this summer.

And say UCLA, I'm sorry about that, sorry about that.

Amazing, you know?

He is a byproduct of this program.

And if you stick around long enough,

you don't know what could happen.

You never know what could happen.

You just gotta give this program a chance.

Thank you for calling me Ben

and asking me to do this tonight,

although it was a holiday weekend.

Thank you all for being here tonight.

God bless you.

And I hope you stick around and give this program a chance.

Thank you.