Ryan's Journey: From Early Trauma to Lasting Sobriety

Hello everyone. My name is Ryan. I'm an alcoholic. I'm sobriety dates,

April 1st, 2011. I want to thank Ben Q for asking me to come speak tonight.

Mitch or is it Ben? Ben, right? Yeah, it's Ben. And thank you for your lead.

And I want to welcome the new, the newcomers and people that are attorneys.

So I started drinking and using substances at the age of

13 years old and in Canoga park,

a phone was mouth and parthenia. And at that time in like the, the, you know,

mid early nineties, like I, I, I, I was, how was I, I was six,

seven years old. And,

and I remember at probably my earliest memories and how I can recollect those

was through the, really through the step work. You know,

when I got to my fourth step, I, I was able to really meditate.

And when I mean by meditate is look at, you know,

painstakingly look at my past and really like ask God, like whatever,

whatever you are, God, at that time in my sobriety, when I had six months,

I was really in fear of drinking again. Right.

And fear worked good long enough.

And it was a good thing for me to have when I was really new fear of drinking

again. Right. But I knew from, from previous,

a previous sobriety date that fear wasn't enough.

And fear is really just a feeling and it's self and self-knowledge knowing that

I'm an alcoholic, knowing that I, that I have problems,

that I have an issue with drugs. It's not enough to keep me sober.

And that's why I come to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous still mainly is

because I can't do it by myself. Right.

And I will only speak for myself in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I will

speak from what I've studied in the book and what has come to life for

me and how I, how I see what the book says. Right. And so when I was

six or seven years old, I remember being highly influenced by the

world, you know, and what it had to offer around me. Right.

And so seeing my dad drinking all the time and fighting my mom verbally,

belittling her and, and, and, and you know, it was normal, right.

I didn't really think anything of it is just, I guess this is how people act,

you know, man and woman with each other. And then, you know,

and then in my neighborhood there was, you know, pimps and, and,

and prostitutes and drug dealers and gang members and, and it was,

and, and then I hung out with their, their kids, you know what I mean? And,

and so growing up, there was a lot of play fighting,

fighting, you know, just, just a lot of ungodly things, you know,

I want to say, you know what I mean? Like just, they weren't, they weren't,

they weren't, you know, looking back at it now,

it was like I cared so much about what you thought of me, you know what I mean?

Like, and if I'm not careful, I can still go there. Right.

So let my mind go to like, you know,

what do they think about me and live in that, you know,

and I'm talking about in all ways in my life, right. Word, relationships,

meeting people, whatever. And so I always felt like I had to be on a defense,

at a young age and, and, you know, and the way I talk, you know, uh,

ruffled and like, I'm always on edge. Right. And cause my dad was always on edge.

So I kind of just,

I kind of just did what he did because who doesn't really look up to their dad

when they're that age. Right. So, um,

I remember drinking juice or water and, and, uh,

pretending like I'm drinking with him, you know what I mean? And, and, um,

and really what am I saying? My point is like, I'm a natural,

I'm a natural follower. I'm not a natural leader. You know what I mean? I, I,

I, I, uh, I'm insecure. I think of myself, I think,

and what that looks like is I think it hurts. It pains me so much.

I think that you think something of me that's in my head,

but I think you're thinking of it, of me, you know what I mean?

And I'm so stressed out at that age at six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years old.

And, and what happens is over time, it's almost like,

it's almost like I'm sharpening a knife and I'm just getting sharper.

You know what I mean? And, and, and then, um, you know, or,

or what's a better analogy? I guess that's not really a good analogy.

Like a crock pot, just slow simmer. And then I just leave it there.

And then eventually it just blows up. You know what I mean?

And so I remember when I was 13 years old around that time, when I started,

you know, using substances, there was this kid named Eddie and he,

for some reason he had it out for me, man.

I don't know if it was cause the girl that he liked like me or what the deal was,

but he wanted to fight me. So I fought him one time and I,

I laid him on the ground and like, I grabbed him and I was like, Hey man, like,

you know, it's all good, whatever. And you know, after that for a year,

there was like seven, eight kids after me at all times. You know what I mean?

For that whole year I was full fear and I didn't want to tell my dad and I

didn't want to, you know, go to the principal cause I didn't want to be a rat.

You know what I mean?

All the old things that I was taught at even that age and, and my dad,

I remember I finally broke down after like keeping inside.

I couldn't go to sleep and I'm sober. I, you know what I mean? At this,

I'm still having really, you know,

my first taste of alcohol was at five years old cause I was sneaky and I would

go into my, my,

under my dad's bed and find the magazines and the, and the weed box and the,

you know what I mean? And his, and his alcohol. And I did that,

but I didn't get drunk then. I was just curious. And so,

but I remember he told me, man, like, you got to fight him,

you got to fight them and don't run. And you know what I mean? I was like, Oh man,

like, that's not what I wanted to hear. I want you to beat him up for me.

Like, so, so what happened was I would just run,

leave school early or ditch. And I remember my, my, my good friend Brandon,

Brandon at the time lived in my neighborhood, you know, he's, he was selling,

you know, ounces of wheat at 12 years old, you know,

Coke and guns and like, I was hanging out with that guy. You know what I mean?

His brother was in a wheelchair and it was just all, it was just,

not what 12 year olds should be doing. You know what I mean? And so, and so he,

you know, I smoked my first joint with him and I felt really good.

And from that day forward, I won't say, you know, sit here and say, Oh,

like, you know, the,

the whole thing where they say and I was off to the races and I never,

you know what I mean? Whatever.

All I knew is I love the way I felt and I didn't,

the fear of Eddie and running from things and thinking about what you think of

me went away. That's my point. Right. And I didn't know this then,

but that was the solution to my problem, which was me, which was self. And, um,

and thank God for, for, for marijuana and alcohol and all that,

because who knows what would have happened. You know what I mean? Um, it,

it calmed me down. And so quickly though, for me quickly, I,

by the time I was in high school,

I was so embarrassed of what how I thought those kids thought of me. And, uh,

I became that guy who would seek out violence and seek out the bully and seek

out these things. And, and it kinda, I was, now I was the Eddie,

you know what I mean? And, and, um, and I was always drunk and dealing dope.

And I would go to school just to ditch school or sell,

sell drugs and talk to the girls and whatever. I was that kid that, you know,

your mom's like, stay away from him, you know? And, and so, um, matter of fact,

man, a couple of years ago I was at a,

I was at a bar to see a band and a friend of mine that I used to drink, but he's

like, bro, I thought you were dead. You know what I mean? Like straight.

He's like, I thought you died. I was like, thanks. Appreciate that. And so, um,

and, uh, yeah, I, I, um, I got kicked out for fighting. It's, it's,

at 16 years old, I had ninth grade credits and, um,

and I had hurt that guy very, very badly. And he had to get like,

surgical procedure on his face. And, and, um, and, and the guy who was with me,

it did, it took the blame, went to Hawaii for like five years. And, uh,

and I'm still trying to find that guy and thank him for not telling on me and

whatever. And the guy who I did that to him, I still, you know,

I want to make it immense. And if I see him, you know,

I talked to my sponsor about it and this was, you know, I mean,

it's over 13 years. I did, I did my amends by my, my amends the third,

the first time, um, knowing that I didn't know the guy's name. I didn't know,

you know what I mean? But I'm willing to do it. You know,

I'm willing to do it. So,

because I want to stay sober and I want to feel good about my life.

You know what I mean? And I don't want to obsess and I want to write the wrongs.

I've done because I know I did harm and it follows me in my life.

You know what I mean?

So I'm grateful that I have that intuitive thought that I want to make things

right. Regardless of what happens to me. You know what I mean? And so, um, yeah,

so I ended up going to high school drugs, got worse,

start sleeping in the streets, that whole thing. And, and, and,

and by the time I'm 17, 18, um, I'm shaking in the morning,

driving, uh, obsessive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, all that. Right.

I ended up getting sober at 20 years old, but at 19,

I went to a rehab center outpatient. I couldn't use detox, whatever.

There wasn't a lot of rehabs back then. Thank God that I didn't get through,

get through the,

the human trafficking of rehabs that we have today in Los Angeles and all the

other States that like, like LA and, um, or like cities like LA. But, uh,

I remember getting sober after being loaded every day for seven years.

That was a high in itself and I was a raw nerve and the,

and everything was brighter. The lights seem brighter.

I thought you were talking about me. I'm like, I'm like mild schizophrenia.

You know what I mean? Like my mind is way louder than your voice.

You know what I'm saying? And, and, and, and, and I'm,

and I want to fight everybody cause I think you're talking about me in meetings

and, and, and do it. It was, it was bad. And so I never want to forget that.

You know what I mean? And, um, and I was,

the Valley Club was my first a meeting and it was a 5 30 PM meeting when they

had those on a Sunday and there was this guy that just got out doing like 25

years in prison, a lady who just lost her house,

who has a brand new Lexus in the parking lot of the Valley Club.

And then there was a cute girl all the way in the back. I'm like,

I can stay for that, but I don't understand any of these people.

I'm not an alcoholic. And so that was my introduction to AAA, you know,

like my mind's just la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

And I can't hear anything you're really saying, you know, and I'm,

and I'm comparing myself to you and I'm forgetting the times I'm smoking crack

at Denny's, sleeping,

sleeping behind a trash can or in a Jander's closet breaking into apartment

complexes. You know what I mean? Making my mom cry at night.

And you know what I mean? I'm going to call the cops, come home,

get out of here. My dad's like, get out of here. My mom's calling the cops.

Had me come back in the house. It's just, you know, it's just insanity, right?

Like complete delusional, disrespectful, you know, uncaring,

you know, person that I was, you know? And so, um,

I share that because like, that's what I, that's who I am sober, right?

I get sober and now I have an opinion on how,

how I can run my life again. And it's like,

I can't see that I can't run my own life. My life,

I can't see that my life's unmanageable naturally. I just can't,

you know what I mean? Sometimes I could, if I'm not careful, I mean, I spot,

I actively try to sponsor people. I've been in meetings my whole, my 13 years.

I've, I've, I've never been a week without meetings unless I was traveling.

You know what I mean? I've always been in a meeting.

Usually I'm in four to five meetings a week since I've been sober, you know?

And that's not because like, I'm trying to be a good AA guy.

It's cause I thoroughly enjoy going to meetings.

My friends are here and this is a place where AA is a place where it taught me

how to live life and, um, and to enjoy life and to have hope. The big,

the big book talks about the introduction. I'm not a big book, a extraordinaire,

a thumper, or I can, I can't do a word for word, but I, but I know,

I know what it says and it, you know, to an extent by memory.

And it talks about how we have alcohols for thousands of men who have recovered

right from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body seemingly. Right.

So it's, it seems like it's, I'm hopeless, but I'm really not,

but I can't see it for myself. Right. And, and, and hopeless is really bad.

You know what I mean? Like, like, like, like I don't want to live. I can,

I can relate to that. I don't want to live anymore. Nothing matters.

I can't feel anything. You know what I mean? You know, you know,

what really is, is, is, is,

is unfortunate when you're drinking blood ice or Miller high life or malt liquor,

whatever you're drinking, you can't even really get drunk anymore.

Your mind's still out. You know what I mean? You don't feel good.

You feel hot and irritated still. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like,

what do you do when you can't not out the way you want to not out and now you're

just, you're itching your leg and it's turning raw and you just want to always

throw up. You know what I mean? It's just like, it sucks. You know what I'm saying?

And you can't really, you don't feel good about getting high anymore.

And it's just, it's like,

but it doesn't matter because I know that if I don't continue to pray,

thank God for what I have in my life right now,

just as I did when I was riding the dash bus here in Reseda,

when I had lint in my pocket, thanking God for everything I had right then.

You know what I mean? I, I'm not going to be sober for very long.

I gotta be around people who understand what I go through and what I,

what I go through is I'm selfish. I'm self centered. I'm, I'm, I'm, you know,

self will run riot. I want to do what I want to do.

The big book talks about on page 88 talks about how, how we're in less,

we'll be in less, uh, uh, danger of excitement, right? I love excitement.

I like fighting. I like, uh, uh, fast money. You know what I mean?

If I can make fast money and get away with it, I probably would still do it.

You know what I mean? I, I mean, if, if, if I can live with myself,

I would do what I want to do when I want to do it. You know what I mean?

It's just the truth, you know? So,

but being sober and working a program seeking God telling on myself,

right? Fifth step, 10, 11 and 12, right?

Working with other people calling someone when I really don't really want to

call anybody and telling them, Hey,

how are you and trying to get out of myself and listen to what you're saying.

And I don't even gotta be opinionated on that or try to teach you something.

Just listen to how you're, what you're going through, right?

I'm getting out of myself and therefore I get to have peace of mind. I've,

for me, I've been able to have peace of mind.

I've been able to be successful at what I do for work.

I've been able to be honest in my relationships with women.

I've been able to run a business. I've been able to have some hobbies.

I've been able to look at my health and think,

maybe I should be healthier in this way. You know what I mean?

It started with the big book, a guy by the name of Jaime told me, Hey kid,

I don't care what you believe in. It doesn't really matter.

He's like, do you want to stop thinking about killing yourself and drinking?

I'm like, yeah. He's like, well then go home, get on your knees and say, God,

whatever you are, please remove this obsession,

which is the thought that overrides all the thoughts to drink and use drugs or

whatever other thing that's, you know,

just gnawing at your brain and your spirit and ask them to please remove it and

do it every day. And I said, okay. Cause I was dumb enough to take suggestion,

you know? And so thank God for these people in AA, man.

How much time do I got? Okay, cool. Wow. Sorry guys.

That was like two minutes. I was like, and so, you know,

the Valley club is where I got sober and let me get back to, let me,

let me backtrack. So,

so when I got sober that first time in that meeting and thinking like, oh,

that girl's cute. You know, these guys, I don't know what they're talking about.

They're too old. They're like 30 years old. You know what I mean? I'm like,

you know, just judge comparing myself to you. Like I remember, yeah, man,

that's a sad place to be. I laugh at it now, but it's, it's so sick. Like that,

like that. My mind does that without my approval. You know what I mean? It's,

and so, um,

what happened was I didn't see myself out the door to drink again,

but that's what naturally happened.

And I remember I had a nug of weed in my jacket or something in my mom's house

and like, and I found it and I just smoked it and I didn't think about like, Hey,

I went to rehab and I go to meetings and I'm like, like,

and I just kicked and I was shaking and I was being over remorseful and

apologizing for all the things that I did in the last seven years.

My brother who's more annoyed now because I'm doing that, you know what I mean?

It's like, I'm like having a nervous breakdown,

anxiety type sweating all the booze out and the dope and,

and now I'm apologize for everything and telling him don't do what I do.

And he's like, get out of my room. You know what I mean? It's like, you know,

it's like, he doesn't want to hear that. You know, I'm like making amends,

you know, before I even know what, how to spell amends. You know what I mean?

Like and I'm causing more harm probably. And so, so six months go by,

I'm smoking weed and that lasts about a week.

And I remember telling myself obsessing saying, can't drink,

I'm not going to drink. Drink is my problem. I'm okay with weed telling,

you know, repeatedly, that's an obsession. I'm already loaded.

I'm already obsessing about not drinking. You know what I mean?

It's like candy can't drink, you know?

And so I'm going to meetings take a dirty six, six or would it took it,

took a dirty six month chip and and I remember it fell on the ground when they

handed it to, I'll never forget that. And I'm like, they know they,

they know that I'm level five. I remember thinking that. And, um,

and shortly after that,

I remember I was assigned to sponsor cause I'm not going to get one.

And so they, they, this guy, this guy, he actually got loaded later.

And that freaked me out too. Cause I, when I got sober again with my sobriety,

now he got loaded in that for real. So it scared me. Cause I thought he was like,

the, you know, the mayor of AA, you know what I mean? And so, so, uh,

I called and I said, Hey man, I don't think I want to be sober anymore.

He told me, he's like, well, Ryan,

alcoholics autonomous will always be here for you if you want it.

And you can always call me and I'm like, thanks. And I felt so guilty.

And I remember I was in my,

my only friend that I had towards the end of my drinking and his name was grumpy

because when I get loaded, I have Disney character friends, you know,

that was his name. His name was grumpy. And I, you know, and, uh,

and he was my best friend, man. And, um, he still is one of my best friends,

you know, and he's not sober. You know what I mean? He's probably one,

he's for sure one of us, but you know, he, you know,

I was sleep on the streets,

choose sleep on the streets and then get kicked out of my house.

And he would kind of like take me under his wing, right. Cause he was on the

streets for seven, seven, seven, eight years. And, um, and, uh,

he would always say, go home or whatever. And I'm like, nah, you know, and, um,

Amber went to one of his flop houses that he was staying at and I'm telling him

that I'm not drinking. This guy's like a huge crystal meth addict.

I wasn't one of those guys, but like he, you know, he would say, dude,

I don't want to hear it. Like fine. Don't drink. You know what I mean? He's like,

you know, and I go into his house, he was staying at and a guy,

I swear he opens the door and he gives me a Natty ice natural ice. And he's like,

Hey man, have a beer. I'm like, I can't drink. And he's like, just have one.

Like, all right. And then, and then that night I'm drinking six beers.

You know what I mean? I mean, it's like, I can't have two or three, you know,

I had six beers. I wanted, I wanted some, some, some,

some coding cough service at that time. I was dipping that my cigarettes and I,

you know, some weed and you know what I mean?

And I want to not out before I go to sleep. You know what I mean? So, um, you know,

and, and, and, and, and I remember I couldn't even last a week. Like I'm, I'm,

I'm doing opiates. I'm drinking every day in the morning. You know what I mean?

My face is blotchy. Um, and five months go by, I'm in a bad car accident.

And that day, I'll never forget it that day. I'm with this guy, Chris. And, um,

this is where like alkaline water was a new thing like to the, to LA.

And like, he was like, I'm going to go to this alkaline water interview.

I'm like, well, whatever. I have like a 12 pack of my backpack,

you know what I mean? And I'm just hanging out with him drinking his car.

And like, like it was a 9 AM or something like that. And we go to Santa Clarita.

And on our way back on the freeway for the Valley,

there was a van on its back and there was a lady in there and there was blood

coming out of her car. And let me show you how, how selfish I am.

This is an example of who I am. Right. Loaded. He said, Oh dude, I got to help.

Right. I'm like, I'm like, you know, F that. You know what I mean? I said,

I said, forget her. You know what I mean? Like, like how,

how sick of a person was I like, I don't even know who that person was.

You know what I mean? But I'll never forget that.

And I sat in the car and was just drinking while he was trying to help her.

The car's catching on fire. I don't get out of his car. He's pulled over and,

and ambulance come, fire department come, they take over whenever we leave.

I don't even think anything of it. That, that day,

a couple hours ago by just me off, I'm at my mom's house.

This other guy, Mike, who has a car. I mean,

I never had a job until I was 22 years old. You know what I mean? No work ethic.

This other guy, he has a car. He's a Christian dude.

Never smoked weed in his life. Just a goody two shoe, whatever. So he, so,

so I'm using him for a ride cause I can do that.

That's what I do when I get loaded.

I want to take advantage of you and whatever I can get out of you. Right.

And so we go to Valley circle. We get, we, you know, we're going to go,

I'm already drunk all day, right? I get a pint at the liquor store and I asked

this guy to get me,

get me a bottle and come to find out he's in a sober living. Right.

And he gets me a bottle and he's like, can you give us a ride or sober living?

And I said, sure, I'm not driving. You know what I mean?

So Mike gives him a ride. We're on van Owen on a, on a,

on a cul-de-sac we're making a left and he owned, we almost get hit by a car.

I'm like, dude, learn how to drive.

And I'm cussing at him and he says, and I'm like angry at him, you know?

And then I'm like, now he's looking at me and I'm like, dude, now go.

So we make a left. We get T-boned by Denali going like 60 miles an hour.

That was the same day that I,

that I did that to that lady that I didn't get to try to help that lady.

Same day. I, our car flips, all the windows are out.

The guy in the back seat from Sullivan broke his whole hip.

I'm bleeding internally. I'm coughing up blood. I can't move.

We all get knocked out. I somehow get out of his fall out of his driver's seat.

Everyone comes out of the neighborhood. I'm on the gurney. I go to the ER,

whatever. No such hospital. I have a catheter. I'm urinating blood.

I'm in the ICU for two weeks. The cops tell my mom and my dad,

we don't even know how your son's alive.

Cause I got the full impact and I have was a scrape on my head, dude.

It was like, I mean, that's, that's what I get for being selfish.

You know, I really, I look at it now. I mean, it's, if you think about it,

you know what I mean? Like,

and that day was a day where I believed in God for the first time in my life.

And I never grew up, my, my dad's still an atheist or not an atheist,

but agnostic. He doesn't, I mean, he was more to the side of atheism.

He doesn't want to talk about anything religious or spiritual, whatever.

But you know,

I remember being in like the sixth day in the ICU like saying,

cause I remember I was there and I,

I was on the Demerol and I was craving a malt liquor,

dude. I was great. I could taste it. And I just broke down. I said, God,

please help me. I'm just, I'm yelling. I'm like,

why am I thinking about this right now? You know what I mean? Like, and I,

and it's cliched hallmark is this may sound, I thought came to my mind.

I said a voice for real. Like I said, you know where to go.

And I thought about the Valley club last place I thought about going to or

getting sober again. Right. That was an act of God for me for sure. A hundred percent.

And so I get on ICU, the doctor's like, Hey, are you in pain? I said, yeah,

my whole right. So my body's in pain. He's like, I'm going to give you these,

these, these, you know, what was it? Uh, like enough, like you didn't, uh, uh,

Norco. And I'm like, no, I'm a drug addict. Don't give me that.

You know what I mean? And he's like, are you in pain? Take him like, okay,

whatever that day. I'm taking three or four every hour. You know what I mean?

I'm smoking weed and I'm taking more. I'm I, and now I'm just nodding off again.

And I, and I just,

the suicidal thoughts came back and on March 31st, 2011 I got on my knees and

I said, God, I just want to die. Please help me. I can't do this anymore.

I'm crying. I mean, that was like, for me to get that emotional,

that was like my third or fourth time getting that emotional, you know,

like in regards to like my usage and just my thoughts and like,

and I just couldn't do it. And for some reason or the other,

God took my prayer a lot more seriously than I did because I've done that

before, you know? And so what happened was, uh,

I asked my mom to give me a ride at the Valley club on April 1st and he,

and she did, thank God. And, and, and, um,

and a guy by the name of Jerry Bromley was there to, to, to welcome me back.

And Jerry, Jerry, I can say his name cause he's passed now,

but Jerry Bromley was a, was a, was a,

was a biker somebody who I would never want to talk to.

And I was affiliated with certain cliques when I was younger that were against

what Jerry Bromley was about. Right.

And Jerry Bromley was a guy who believed in God. He was sober 15 years.

And he, he said, Hey kid, he's like, welcome back. He's got swastika on his neck.

You know what I mean? Just like somebody I would never talk to, you know,

and he's like, I'm going to be here every time you take a chip.

And that guy was there every time I took a chip. And, uh,

I didn't even tell him about it. I mean, I didn't use my phone.

I had a flip phone back. I didn't use my phone. You know what I mean?

He was always there. And, uh, and I'll never forget that.

And once I was a couple months after I took a year sober,

Jerry was honest Harley, or I think he had an Indian, whatever he was on.

And he would come in and pulled in and I'll never forget. He parks his bike.

And he falls off his bike, puts the kicks that falls off.

We run over there for like, what happened to you? You know,

there's a guy trying to revive him. He says,

this kid had like 60 days and he said, stay sober. And he died.

Like it was a trip. Like I'm, I'm not, I'm laughing because it's like,

it's like, it doesn't sound real,

but I was there and there's other people to vouch for it. And it's,

and I'll share that experience with you guys today,

because there's been many like crazy situations in AA that I'm

like, that's something out of a movie, dude. Like, that's not even like,

that doesn't happen. That's, I've never witnessed something like that.

You know what I mean? And, and, and that was an attraction for me for AA.

It was a sad day. It was a sad couple of months for me.

Cause I really liked that guy. I got to like that.

I came to like see like good in that guy and not judge him.

Like I always do with everybody. Like how I think everybody judges me, you know?

And so yeah. And so I can tell you stories about a hundred people,

a guy named Art who was 90 something when he died, I think. And he, he,

him and his family escaped the, the, the warfare in Germany or whatever.

And I would come into the meetings and I would like be like, you know,

resentful at a girl or like, you know,

or like I hate my job and I'm taking the bus. I'm still broke. I never,

I never caught up three years sober because I'm because I had a DUI because I

just, I didn't know how to manage money. My life was unmanageable still.

You know what I mean? I, I, I, I, I didn't know how to do anything, you know,

and, and guys in a gimme jobs.

Like I was so bean sprouts with this guy Dexter who,

who would go to the meeting and play a saxophone outside the meeting,

which is very annoying. Right. And I was like, what is this guy doing, man?

He gave me my first job in a, I was so bean sprouts at a farmer's market,

you know? And, and, and, and, and, uh, my, my sponsor,

what I have now who's been with me the last 12 years, you know,

he has these old classic cars and like his style is cool. I'm like,

that guy's my sponsor. You know what I mean? I like how he,

how he lives his life. I like things he's into. And that guy, man,

like would always call me,

how you doing buddy after just getting out of a divorce or having a fight at his

job. And he would think about me, you know what I mean? And he helped me,

he got me through the step work.

And the reason why he's still my sponsor today is because he took his time with

me. He did it, you know,

I was honest and thorough with him and I had spiritual experience. These,

these I had feelings come about me that I'm like, that's God, man,

that's God talking to me. And, um, I didn't, I didn't,

I didn't like any of my jobs and he kept his mouth shut.

That's something that's, I should say, it's very important.

That man as far as I know, everything I've told him to stay between me and him.

And that's why he's my sponsor today. Cause he has a closed mouth and um,

and he helped me and he still helps me, you know?

And so this guy Art would be like, I go in there and have a bad day.

And this old man Art was sitting on the couch, same place every time. And you

know, Valekov has a bunch of meetings and he'd be like, Oh God.

And I wouldn't even tell him anything. He'd look at me and be like, junior,

only the toe knows. I'm like, how does this guy know I'm going through something?

I didn't even talk to him. You know what I mean?

But like I felt he knew that I was going through something. You know what I mean?

And for me, that was like a God experience, you know? Weird. I know,

but these are things I'll never forget. And, um,

I hated all my jobs like eight years sober,

got into a bad relationship when I had five years sober dating a newcomer,

which is, I highly recommend you do that.

And so I thought I was gonna marry her at delusions of grandeur. I was like,

you know what I mean? She just, she's coming off of a, you know,

the morphine maintenance or what is, what is it? Uh, yeah,

she's coming off a maintenance program. I'm going to marry this girl. And so,

and so, you know, uh, I go to Spain cause I,

cause I never traveled anywhere outside Reseda before my life.

So I go to Spain and like hit your sober and, and, and, and I come back,

I find out my dad's dying and she, the same night I find out my dad's died.

She's like, I'm leaving you. I don't love you.

I already found a place a month ago and I'm taking the dog with me.

You know, same thing like the,

all that same night after I had a great time in Spain and oh my God,

I was devastated. I didn't want to drink the obsession for me to just say this to,

I'm going to end right now. I'm everywhere, but thank you guys for listening.

I, you know, the obsession after doing the step work was removed.

Never to return once a year. Maybe the thought of drinking looks good.

It looks attractive and it's quickly supplanted with, that's insane.

That's insane. It doesn't look good. And I don't, I don't,

and then I tell my sponsor, Hey, I had a thought today. I had this,

this weird thought and he's like, Oh, okay, thanks for telling me.

It's good that you did that. And it doesn't affect my life, you know? And um,

if you're a new man and you want that gone, um,

it will happen for you if you're honest and thorough and you want any of an

honest desire to be cleanest over. It's happened for me. And um,

so dealing with that relationship,

I did what exactly with Jerry Bromley what art did for me,

what my sponsor Joel W did for me.

And it was get out of myself regardless of what I'm going through and talk to a

newcomer and get into what they're, what's going on in them with prayer,

asking God specifically to help remove these things from you and show me what

I'm supposed to do using the set, utilizing the seven step prayer,

the third step prayer. Um, and if you're new, I'm here to help. If, if you know,

if you're serious,

if you mean business and you want to be clean sober,

I'm here to help and thank you guys for having me.