Armando's Journey: Confronting the Mind's Grip on Alcoholism

Armando Alcoholic, thank you Ben for asking me.

Not so much to Sunny, our mutual friend,

you know, who canceled on my H&I panel

and pawned me to this meeting tonight.

So, but I've been trained to be a yes guy.

There was a point in my sobriety where I was a no guy

and I paid the price for it.

So just bear with me guys, I'm a little bit nervous.

I drank too much coffee and I stayed a little bit longer

in the sauna at the gym earlier.

So this is a little bit going everywhere today.

So I don't know what's gonna come out,

but I have a sponsor, Richard P. in Canyon Country.

I have a home group table up the street.

My pronouns are now and more.

For a while, I was never invited.

You're, you know, and it's not welcome anywhere.

And, you know, thanks for inviting me again.

Before I really crashed and burned

when I was still welcome in some places,

the feedback from the hosts or my friends

who would have me the next day,

it's not like, oh, you were so helpful last night.

We can't wait to have you again.

It wasn't like that.

You know, it's more like you throw up in the rug,

you broke my wife's wedding gift,

you were hitting my mother-in-law,

and you clip the neighbor's car on the way out, you know,

and that was the kind of drinking I did.

And it's just not even, you know, when I really crashed

and burned.

So I sat on those chairs for a while,

either in a county jail, in rehabs, or in prison,

and a speaker would show up or an H&I pal would show up

and talk, and they would, you know,

share good information that saved my life.

And all I hear is, keep coming back, it works if you work it.

'Cause while I was sitting there, I was checked out,

just thinking of who's gonna co-sign the apartment

so I can get a big bag and I can get her back

and get a car so I can sell drugs.

You're gonna get a Subaru, it's inconspicuous, you know,

cops don't check on Subaru.

I mean, all of that is going on and on and on.

While I'm sober, you know,

I was not under the influence of anything.

I was in a safe place and I was hijacked by my alcoholism.

And to have alcoholism, you know, it'll never go away.

It's not in the bottle, it's not in the syringe,

it's not in the pipe, it's in my mind.

Every morning, it's knocking on the door, you know,

I demand payment, you know, let's go.

Either I, you know, I respond with God in the steps

or I go with, you know, what happened at work five days ago,

you know, and I'm in the shower, getting ready for work

and playing this mental chess game, you know,

this guy rolling the forklift, you know,

I'm gonna get even with him today.

I'm gonna unload this trailer slow

so he can leave the, you know, and I haven't even

left the place yet, you know, I haven't had coffee yet,

you know, I'm already exhausted.

I do that sober, you know, by the time I get to work,

the guy's on vacation.

(indistinct)

I go, see you in 45 minutes, you know, I can't get back,

but that's alcoholism, so I went to a party in 1985.

I liked it so much, I stayed till 2004.

In that party, there was loud music, there was naked women,

there was unacceptable behavior, there was parole,

probation, high speed chase, liver problems,

lower companionship, homelessness, unemployability,

violence towards me, and I participated

on the other side of that, trips to the ER.

Towards the end of that party, I was at the Voyager,

you know, sitting at the edge of the bed,

and I'm looking at that little gap

between the door and the light, you know,

and I'm rocking back and forth, rocking back and forth,

and the bed and the door, I'm taking a hit,

I'm doing a pull, taking a hit, I'm doing a pull,

you know, I'm waiting for them to come, you know,

I wasn't expecting anybody, and a shadow blocked the light,

and I'm like, oh my God, they're here, you know,

but there's, you know, I wasn't expecting anybody,

and what I was doing is I was medicating.

I was really sick, I was doing the best that I can

with what I have, and did that till the sun came up,

pipe's empty, the bottle's gone, check out time,

you know, do the hustle again.

And, you know, I learned now,

my sobriety date is May 26, '04,

and I didn't do anything special,

you know, it's just that time God told me, like,

combat community, and I listened.

I grew up in the island, my mom's from the Philippines,

my dad's from New Jersey, at the best of both worlds,

best of both worlds, you know,

that I have alcoholism at a very young age,

I was seven, I think I was 11, 12 years old,

Tari came out, you know, Tari came out,

and oh man, I told my mom, I want that,

you gave me that, I'll be the best son ever.

They'll get good grades, do all my chores,

they don't have to give me anything

for my birthday or Christmas, you know,

I negotiated, you know, and I got it.

She gave it.

Three weeks later, that thing meant nothing.

It was sitting in a corner gathering dust,

and that's how I go through life.

Even in sobriety, you know, I would obsess on something,

I would obsess on a phone, a gadget like that,

a laptop, or her, and then we'll get the phone,

it's already old, 'cause the new one came out,

and then I would get the laptop, it's too slow now,

'cause it's not loading the pages fast enough,

and then I would get her, all of a sudden,

she's got chubby ankles, I don't want her anymore, you know,

and there is nothing wrong with the phone,

the laptop, or her, I'm the problem.

I'm always finding something wrong in my life,

you know, I'm all, you know, I'm like,

when I pushed in on the map, I'm like,

this is not supposed to be here, it's supposed to be there,

I'm like, I'm already like, what's going on here, you know,

and, but anyway, you know, what do I know?

This is a meeting, this is where they move,

so that's how I go through life, man,

and I remember I was, I think, 15 or 16, you know,

I started, you know, partying, you know,

we all do that, the fun, the fun problems,

and it was just fun, I was having a blast, you know,

just hanging out in the beach, having bonfires,

girls drinking rum, and just having fun,

and having a good time, and I remember,

it's my turn to get the pot that day from the weed guy,

I went to the weed guy's house,

so he can get some pot, no weed today, buddy, try this,

it was meth, and I was gone, and I gave that my best,

chased that for a good 20 years,

and I did the geographic, you know, I left the islands,

I ended up in Reno, Nevada, Sacramento, the Bay Area,

and then I ended up here in Los Angeles

after the earthquake in '94, yeah, I was here in '94,

June, I was here, and then in all those stops that I made,

there were people that opened their homes,

their carts to me, they fed me,

they let me get back on my feet,

some of them even let me use their cars,

gave me debit cards to use, just let me know what you charge,

you know, so you can buy your work clothes or uniform,

and they were nice, you know,

and while I was getting back on my feet,

you know, I would get triggered, triggered,

and I would, you know, the rent goes up my nose,

the car payment goes to the casino or the liquor store

or the bar, and I would leave

without explaining anything to them or apologizing,

I wouldn't even tell them I'll make it up to you,

I'll just pop to my neck, stop all the wreckage,

you know, and thanks to this program,

I circled back all of them, some of them were receptive,

some of them, God bless, you know,

keep doing what you're doing,

so I ended up here in '94 in Highland Park,

once more, I was hopeful, people opened their doors for me,

so I could get back on my feet, and it didn't take long,

I, the neighbor across the street,

we, you know, we both got paid on Fridays,

and, you know, I remember first Friday,

we drank, the next Friday, he pulled out a joint,

and we did some lines, and then the third Friday,

we smoked some crack, went to McConaughey Park,

and the fourth Friday, he looked at me,

and he just gave me the mug, and I said, you know,

'cause he made a mistake,

he showed me where McConaughey Park is,

I ditched him, you know, I, that's the kind of, you know,

alcoholic I am, you can't show me where to get that,

you know, I'll leave you,

and when the McConaughey Park is just for crack,

and I'm at location, you know,

had to learn Spanish real quick,

so I could get high better, you know,

without Rosetta Stone, and, you know,

that's the kind of thing,

that's the kind of thinking I bring here, you know,

I've learned another language so I could get high better,

but when it comes to step work, picking up a newcomer,

doing, you know, my inventory,

I'm like, let's put a hold on that, you know,

so I, you know, and it didn't take long, you know,

after McConaughey Park, I just went downhill,

I just crashed and burned, and ended up in the streets,

I hung up with, hung out with the wrong crowd,

I had a lot of legal problems, and multiple counties,

and the, you know, it's just the problems just kept piling,

piling up, and I didn't know what to do,

and I, you know, I remember there were times, you know,

I would talk to God, please let this end,

I don't know how, I'm too scared to go, you know,

do it myself, but I just, I was tired on the streets,

so I fast forwarded 2004, I paroled again once more,

when I got loaded, and I had nowhere to go,

nobody wanted, you know, not welcome anywhere,

even the dope guy's garage, you know, and go away,

you know, and I didn't know, and I asked a friend,

what should I do, and he told me,

let's go ask your parole officer to see what he could do,

and the parole officer said,

I can't violate you, you're tested clean,

let me see what I can do, and he made some phone calls,

I got into a program, it's called People in Progress,

in Sun Valley, I got in there,

and I kind of start getting my life back on track,

thanks to, they have a lot of self-step programs,

alcoholics, anonymous, narcotics, anonymous, and CA,

and all that, I attended all those meetings,

they want me to go, and I think the fourth month,

I got into, I got my driver's license,

I was driving the clients, and I mean,

I backed up the van for a park car,

and had to let me go, and my thinking was,

you know, I don't have resources,

I'm going back to the street,

and they were trying to place me there,

trying to make phone calls for a bed available,

you know, to try help their son,

you know, all these nonprofits here back then,

I don't have health insurance, you know,

and a clock was ticking, I was in a couch at their lobby,

and my plan was, you know, if this don't work out

at around 12 or once, time to party again.

The last minute, you know, one of their phone calls,

the calls that they made,

a bed opened up at Salvation Army in Van Nuys,

and I think I had 40 or 60 bucks,

I was asking directions, how do I get there,

what's the plus, I think you should take a cab,

that's what the guys,

and the best cab ride I ever took,

and I went and got in there,

and did their program, and I met my second sponsor there,

and this guy made God real for me,

he told me, kid, you've been trying this all your life,

yeah, you're gonna need God,

you just need God, and I listened to him for the first time,

he told me you need God morning, noon, and night,

and in between, Costco at the post office,

when people are not using turn signals,

you're gonna need God, you know,

when you're at HR, and you're getting written up again,

'cause I can't answer the phone, you're gonna need God,

you know, 'cause I go to HR, I'm a regular at the HR,

his words come out of my mouth,

and I'm in insensitivity training,

like at least once a month,

Armando, somebody filed a complaint again,

you need to watch the video and sign this,

okay, I'm sorry, I'm gonna get my name back,

but anyway, my sponsor, you know, my second sponsor,

and you know, he was very patient with me,

he read the big book, the 12 and 12,

and he gave me a dictionary, I didn't have a smartphone,

I didn't know, line by line, word by word,

sentence by sentence, you know, page by page,

he said, we need to do this orally, you know,

so, you know, we don't have to go, you know,

and if I didn't know a word, he made me look it up,

to this day, I still don't know some of those words,

and they're not big words, it's just, I'm not educated,

you know, I know what dilemma, and willingness,

all of that, and I'm using my sponsor,

see, you're in a dilemma right now,

what is that, look it up, you know, like,

I'm trying to be smart with him, but,

so, yeah, we're reading the big book,

and then there's a part in the doctor's opinion that said,

maladjusted delight, I'm not good at memorizing,

maladjusted delight, outright mental defect,

and full flight from reality, something like that,

you know, and we read that, you know,

I kinda like, it's a little bit excessive,

this is in my head, you know, like,

I just smoked a lot of meth and did burglaries,

you know, you're telling me I'm this, this, and this,

and he kinda saw my face, but he said,

"Yep, if the shoe fits, you gotta wear it,"

and he's right, the shoe fits.

I was in full flight from reality,

that the negative consequences of my actions

are just piling up, I'm eating, you know,

I'm stealing food, I'm squatting, you know,

but I still think it's not that bad, I'm in denial,

I'm maladjusted delight, you know, I'm very impatient,

you know, if you're not giving me what I want,

why are you even here, you know,

that's the way I, you know, even the sobriety,

and I'm an outright mental defect, you know,

I double down, things are bad, instead of people

dial it down a little bit, I just like,

I go for the next one, you know, and see what happens,

you know, sober, and I've gotten better now,

but that's the thinking that I brought here,

and he showed me a different way of life, so,

and he also said, "Watch your thoughts,

your disease will come back, you know,

if you're not, you know, doing what we're supposed to do,

'cause this is a way of life, this is not reading,

this is just not going to meetings and drinking coffee

and socializing, no, this is a, this is a way of life,

same thing as when you're in your,

I'll call this your addiction, it's a way of life,"

and he's right, "There was a part in my sobriety

I got comfortable in not drinking,

'cause life got, it didn't get better, life changed,"

that's what he said, you know,

"Your life will change if you do this,

'cause he never promised me it'll get better,"

'cause I would hold him up for that, you know,

but it changed, it did, my life changed, you know,

and he explained to me, "Food will get better,

the way you communicate with people will get better,

your relationship with God and at work will get better,

sex will get better," you know, and he said all of that,

you know, and he's right, and I did, you know,

I did the bare minimum, and my life got a little better,

you know, I was, you know,

I was getting passed on shoulder at work,

you know, I'm cultivating relationships again,

I'm still waiting for the sex life to get better this day,

but, you know, I just, it's AA, you know,

but I kind of slowed down a little bit 'cause it got better,

and the disease came back, it crept up on me, you know,

I was not dry, I was crispy for a little while,

I, you know, I failed to enrich my spirit,

I mean, enlarge my spiritual life and build new character,

I didn't do that, you know, what I did

is I did the next best thing that I can think of,

get into a relationship, you know, and oh boy, you know,

I did the opposite of, you know, working on the program,

got into a relationship, and my character defects

came back on steroids, you know, I was argumentative,

I was always complaining, you're never enough, you know,

and I, my alcohol isn't just full blast, you know,

I was three, five, 10, 15 years sober,

and it showed up in different forms,

showed up on video games, I played a retarded,

I'm sorry, a ridiculous amount of video games, you know,

I would play 10, 12 hours of video games,

and not make coffee, my commitment, not show up,

and I was, you know, playing Halo, and I would,

at one point I thought I was Master Chief, you know,

and then it showed up in porn,

I destroyed a lot of computers, it showed up in gambling,

I was buying scratchers, you know,

I would buy $10 worth of gas and $60 worth of scratchers,

and, you know, have them at home,

and my mom would come, you need gas, you know,

no, the tank barely moved, I needed scratchers,

you know, that's what I wanted, it showed up in food,

I was 80 pounds overweight the first three years,

you know, there's not a donut that I meant,

I didn't like at the meeting,

I showed up in unnecessary spending,

'cause I, through this program, I fixed my finances again,

I got, you know, a decent credit score,

I was getting cards again, you know,

but, you know, I discovered Amazon and eBay,

and, you know, boxes were showing up at the doorstep,

and the cards are getting maxed up,

and, you know, the bill will show up,

and I'm like, I didn't click buy on it,

I just hovered over it, you know, that's the, you know,

I'm in denial, you know, you bought it stupid,

you know, there's eight boxes on the doorstep,

and I'm sober, you know, I'm destroying slowly the,

you know, it's like, it says on the book, you know,

termites, the seasonally devoured foundation,

something like that, you know, it's doing that,

and it's, lately I'm, you know, I'm,

my alcohol sim showed up in online dating,

swiping like a madman, you know,

I'm on five different apps, you know,

Tinder, Hinge, and Plenty of Fish, and swiping,

and I'm swiping, and you know, and I match with these women,

and we would talk, and, you know,

and we would just, you know, chat and text and, you know,

like, oh my God, thank you for finding my soulmate finally,

you know, and, you know, text some more,

and, you know, while we're doing that,

oh my God, she's the one,

I'm planning honeymoon in Hawaii already, you know,

just talking on the phone, you know,

and the day would come, we'd try to meet,

and she, you know, at Starbucks, of course, I'm sober.

She showed up, she shows up, you know, she's beautiful,

she's wearing a dress, smell like bubblegum,

I look down, she's wearing flip-flops, you know,

it's no pedicure, so I cancel the wedding in my head,

you know, like, it's a deal breaker, you know,

like, I'm a feed guy, you know, what's wrong with that,

you know, that's, you know, I'm the problem, you know,

and so what I do, you know, I go home,

'cause, you know, failure again,

I can't find a soulmate, a girlfriend, in sobriety,

I isolate, I don't return texts or calls, you know,

I find excuse not to show up at an H&I panel, you know,

I order food, I eat all of it, all pizza,

now I'm down, you know, I eat the whole thing,

so I go to the gym and I work out for three hours,

'cause seeing my clothes doesn't fit me anymore,

to the point of injuring myself,

and, you know, I go home and pass out, I wake up,

I watch six episodes of Dexter back to back to back,

you know, just to get rid of that experience, you know,

it won't go away, you know, and I pop on the computer,

I buy a sunglasses or a shoe that I don't need,

you know, and the tracking order is not fast enough,

you know, who do I email about, it's nonsense,

and on and on and on, it's just crazy, you know,

and I'm in pain and suffering, you know,

because I have this failure to form a true partnership

with another human being, and pain would be so much,

eventually I would talk to my sponsor

and tell him what's going on, even another alcoholic,

and this is what's going on with me,

and my sponsor would tell me, you've cycled in all,

this is my new sponsor, no more third sponsors,

you've cycled in all the behaviors already,

the next stop is you're gonna drink if you don't stop

and do something about it, and he's right,

and for me to drink is to die, 'cause I take it too far,

I don't, you know, people stop when they get sick

and they part, I stop when I'm captured,

you know, or facing the judge, you know,

that's when I stop, and he's right,

I mean, he would give me specific instructions,

do the readings, you know, and go to do this,

be of service, you know, and pick up a newcomer,

sign yourself up at Tarzana or Pride Health,

put your name on that list again, you know,

be active in AA, and he would,

I remember he made me read this one thing,

in the 12 and 12, he says, under the lash of alcoholism,

you are driven back to AA, and something like, you know,

I start listening as dying can be, 'cause I'm dying,

you know, I'm overeating, I'm overspending,

I'm watching porn, I'm gambling, you know,

I'm not getting loaded, but all those behaviors

is just as bad as it is, and you know, I get back to it,

you know, and he's right, things get better,

my life gets, the road gets wider,

you know, I'm not arguing with people, you know,

I don't find anything wrong with, you know,

don't complain about if a place smells like mothballs

or something, you know, like, you know,

if a place smells, you know,

if chairs are not comfortable, who runs this meeting?

This nonsense in my head, and you know,

I get relief from alcoholism, and it's because of this,

you know, places like this, and people like you

have helped me a lot, you know,

I'm really the least qualified person to do this,

you know, I'm not good at this, you know,

but I'm strange to, you know, I'm gonna close with this,

you know, probably won't go through as much

as the 30 minutes that you require of me,

but you know, to this day, I'm still captured

by my disease, my alcoholism, you know,

I will be at home in my bed, you know,

and out of nowhere, you know, just staring at the ceiling,

you know, like, oh, you know, I'm fantasizing,

you know, that's another form of alcoholism,

you know, I live in this dream land

that I manufacture in my head,

this is why the TV is going, you know,

I'm not even watching the show I said I was gonna watch,

you know, I'm looking at the ceiling

and I'm fantasizing that it'd be nice

to be living in Malibu, surrounded by porn stars,

drinking green smoothie all day, checking your crypto,

not going home, you know, all of that, you know,

that's in my head, you know, 'cause, you know,

and sober, you know, and then, you know,

I get a Tesla, thank you God,

and you are back to reality again, you know,

and the reality is, I live in a really small apartment,

350 square feet, you know, God is giving me that,

you know, I'm really grateful for that, you know,

and it's paid food in the fridge, it's full, you know,

I mean, I go to Costco and my friends are like,

you've been by yourself, why do you go to so much?

You go like, I don't know, they got good deals, you know,

I can't, you can't pass up on 20 rolls of paper towels,

you know, like, you know, I got high speed internet,

I got food, you know, I, you know,

you see that I'm obsessed with, you know,

H and I meetings, AA meetings, you know, the newcomers,

you know, I work in Canoga Park,

and I've been in the same job for 19 years, you know,

I don't know what they see in me,

but I have self coverage, you know,

I make a lot of money, you know, when the car's paid,

there's insurance that's registered on my name,

you know, I got medical, dental,

you know, I go watch concerts, buy pizza, you know,

go to a movie, you know, and, you know, gym membership.

I never dreamed about this, you know, I have all of that,

you know, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know,

because I listen, listen to the same formula

that all my three sponsors have told me,

trust God, clean house and help others, you know,

trust God morning, noon and night, in between that,

and the hot water in the shower works, thank God,

you know, when your car starts, thank God and clean house,

you know, and I did, you know, the steps, you know,

thoroughly on each one of them and some of them I did twice,

you know, read the book over and over, you know,

multiple times and two of my sponsors

and I begrudgingly go to Canyon Country once a month,

you know, sit down and talk to my, I mean,

why did I pick this guy, you know, I was, you know,

I could have picked somebody here in North Ridge,

you know, Canyon Country, you know, the five, the 14th year,

I mean, but that's where God wants me to be

and this guy is helping me, you know,

help others, that's the most important, you know,

learn how to help others without letting anybody know,

God knows, you know, and I've been taught to help others

outside the sober community, you know, help other people

and I am the last person, you know,

like I'm a selfish minister, you know,

I'm always thinking about what do I get out of this,

but, you know, that's not the case now, you know,

I've learned that here and through you guys, you know,

I don't know how to describe the field, you know,

I co-secretary a meeting at Call in the Sky every Friday

and I got roped into it, it's a meeting where guys

from the Cabrito House, Salvation Army and other,

you know, non-profit or, you know, not so lucky

alcoholics in recovery go and they walk there, you know,

it's not as organized as you guys, you know,

this is amazing here, you know,

our format has scribblings on it,

post-its on the podium, it's just nuts, you know, like,

but we make it work, you know,

and we try to follow the traditions and you know,

there are Fridays, I don't wanna be there,

the speaker would not show up, you know,

or would cancel like two hours before the meeting

and I'm like, you know, but it works, you know,

it always works because God and AA is already planned it,

you know, I'm just there to show up and be a part of it,

so thanks for listening.