Logan's 11-Year Journey: From Detours to Daily Recovery

Hey Bill, my name's Logan and I'm an alcoholic.

I'd like to thank Ben for asking me to come out and speak,

Nate on his eight years,

and the chain of people that got me here tonight.

It started with Mikey Vee in Las Vegas,

went to Tom, Tom to Ben, Ben to Nate.

So I want there to be plenty to blame to go around saying,

I don't want to say, I don't want to take all the blame

tonight. Right after the meeting,

Bruce is going to escort me to the back and you know, for the,

for the line, I go, that's going to be a short line.

People would thank me. I, you know,

my sobriety date is September 24th, 2013,

and coming up on 11 years. And, and that is,

that's for an alcoholic like me, that that's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous that I'm standing before you guys sober

tonight. I didn't walk in these rooms and say, Oh,

what a nice place to stay. I think I'll just, you know,

put the plug in the jug and, you know, hang out with these people, uh,

just some of the stats, uh, I've been to detox over 20 times.

I'd been in three or four, uh, residential treat,

long-term residential treatment programs, countless sober livings. Uh, I,

I, you know, I just could not lock in. I was,

I was working with a wet one today,

he's been drinking and I get it, I get it. He goes to detox and he runs out.

I did that. Mike, Mike, uh, was on, on zoom. He, he, he took,

he, he drove me from Las Vegas to Riverside once and I stayed for a couple of

days and it was out of there. And I got on a bus and I came back.

I remember going to a friend of mine in Vegas, got me into a detox program.

He goes, just go to the emergency room, you know, just waiting, you know,

we'll get your detox free. Don't worry about it. No charge. We'll get,

we're going to get your detox. I got there and they didn't medicate me faster.

Rip the IV out of my arm. I ran out of the place, arm bleeding down to the,

that's, that's what my uncle always said. Well, that's a good day.

That's a good day for me.

I wound up at the end of my drinking almost 11 years ago.

Well, you know, I saw it in the really nice treatment centers and you know,

bushy places and there I was in the middle once and it was like,

you know, at the end it was the midnight mission.

Tim thanks for coming out and supporting me and saved my life cause he didn't

care how I felt. He did not care how I felt.

He took me off the midnight mission that day and he looked at me and he said,

he goes,

you got to walk in there and you're going to finally pick up the tab for all

your bullshit. I didn't like hearing at the time, you know, I said,

I said to him, I said, I'm going to stay sober, just to be around you.

But that didn't save my life cause he didn't care how I felt. He didn't care.

The night before I went to the mission, the day before I called him,

I was 5150. I was in Culver city and I call him,

I had no place to go.

I had a green bag with some dirty underwear, a torn up wallet,

broken cell phone. That was everything I had to my name. And he came and got me.

He came and got me. He goes, okay, you got one night my couch.

And he was in the mission tomorrow. I was like, well, let's not panic.

There's gotta be a way around this. Let's, let's talk about this. He goes,

well, do you have any better ideas? I had no ideas.

I was out of ideas. I had friends, no friendly place to turn to.

I didn't have a nickel to my name.

And I my wife fleet lead to everyone,

nothing going. So, uh, and I just remember Tim, you know,

he goes, get on the couch, sleep there. And he has his dog.

And he said he's got the door cradled in his arms. And I'm like,

and this was really my thought at the time. I said, look at these people.

They're treating a dog better than me. You know,

he's feeding the dog treats and they're taking me to a homeless shelter.

What's wrong with what kind of people are these?

That's, that's, that's me and my alcoholism right there.

I don't know what's good for me. And to this day,

I don't know what's good for me unless I'm around you people. Cause you know,

what the thing about this disease is it have a disease that tells me when things

are bad, they're really okay. Things aren't that bad. They're good.

And when things are good, it tells me how bad, you know, and that's, and that's,

and that's something, and that's why I need this program every day.

That's why I need this. Cause if I'm not, if I'm not doing what we do in here,

I go back to that thinking and I walk into that thinking.

I think I have good ideas. I, you know, and that,

and that's my ideas and my emotions led me down that path every

single time. Just for some of the background, I grew up in Brooklyn,

New York, you can tell I'm not a Southern gentleman.

I grew up in Brooklyn and my father was an alcoholic.

My mother was a hysterical ally and it was a crazy, crazy household. And you know,

I grew up with a lot of angst. I remember, you know, growing up,

I mean I always had this fear that my father, he'd come from Manhattan.

He'd take the subway and he was worried that he was going to fall on the track.

I remember the bottom of my bed. It was woody and I was always chewing on it.

There were little teeth marks across the top. So I always had this, this,

this angst in me, you know, you know, but I swore,

I swore I'd never be like, I swore I was never going to be like,

and I was kind of a late bloom. I drank a couple of times at my sister's wedding,

but I didn't really start drinking until I was 19. You know,

I was kind of an athletic kid. We played stickball,

played all the street games and I had good friends,

really good friends growing up. And, you know, and to this day, you know,

and touch with them and they, they were all successful, you know, good guys,

you know, good guys, you know, and I avoided,

I avoided a lot of the problems in the streets in New York. And, uh, you know,

I went to, uh, you know, I went, I went to school and worked and, and,

you know, I remember my first love was 70 to 19.

Mary, we, you know, we were all now, she, and she dumped me.

It was like despondent, you know, sitting on the end of my bed.

I was all like my face was hanging on the floor. Oh man. You know,

I just got really depressed. And my father was like, told my friends,

take him out of here, take him out, take him out.

He's just sitting in there, moping around.

So my friends took me to poverty's pub in Brooklyn. And like it was yesterday,

I remember it was two blood lysis and those two shots of blackberry brandy.

All of a sudden, all that anxiety, all that depression,

all that stuff. I was feeling,

all of a sudden the music sounded good. The girls looked good.

And now by the end of the night, me out with some girl by the shoebox,

I was dancing. And I was like, I knew like some level,

I knew that if I had this, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

So this is what it took. And for many years, it worked hard.

I played hard. I didn't, it's not my experience.

I wasn't one of these guys that picked up a drink and blacked out and got in

trouble. You know, I was working. I was successful. I was successful.

I was in sports radio in New York and I was with HBO sports and

my little boxing shows and ESPN. And, you know, I had a lot, a lot of success,

but you know, but all, but the whole time I was drinking, but I was drinking,

you know, I wasn't affecting my work and as long as it wasn't affecting my work,

okay. You know, it was a party, you know, fun, you know, going to,

going with the other sports writers to the bar and sort of game on a boxing

match and knocking down drinks and, you know, it was fun. It was great.

But slowly, and it happened,

it's like an incremental slowly regular

life became more painful. And, and,

and the anytime I felt comfortable was when I had a couple of drinks at me and I

remember I got married. I was about 27. My friends were getting married.

I said, I might as well get married.

And it was something that they weren't partying and that they were settling

down. I remember we're sending, I told them, they said, come on, I'm amazed.

Oh, do you want to get married? You know,

and I said, okay, I guess it's, I got married now. I was a horrible,

horrible person.

I was cheating. I was in the bar.

I can go out for a quarter milk and come back three days later. Uh,

I remember like sitting, sitting in the,

I'd love like two o'clock in the morning, I'd get up and I needed a drink.

And I would be sitting living with my poor big goblet of wine and I would drink

and I'd be like, I'm supposed to cry myself and have that buzz on so I'd be back to sleep.

And that was my favorite part of the day. It was like, and I left that marriage.

And I, you know, I moved to Las Vegas and, uh, you know,

my drinking really picked up when I moved to Las Vegas 24/7, you know,

and you know, I hit my first treatment center and it was longterm treatment center.

I've been to details a few times and then my first longterm treatment center at

90 and I stayed sober for seven and a half years of treatments. Uh,

but you know, there was one thing and I was really active in,

it was active in a lot of meetings and I, and I, you know,

I always loved Dave, you know,

even when I was being at the bar, 12 step and keep,

you know, I'd be bartending and I'd tell him, yeah, he's great.

It was awesome. You know, I loved it. You know,

I never had a good word to say about it.

It just wasn't for me cause I wasn't quite as bad as the rest of those.

You know, and, uh, you know, I, I, in that seven and a half,

during that seven and a half years of sobriety, there was a lack of surrender.

I can see it now. I mean, I couldn't see it at the time I was active in AA,

but I wasn't completely surrounded because I always had that in the back of my

head. If I, if I'm in pain or anxiety or whatever it is,

depression long enough and I get out of it, I'm going to drink.

I always had that reservation.

And I remember doing speed before I went into that treatment center.

And I remember sharing when I was speaking at an AA meeting in Vegas.

Well, if I ever go out again, I'll probably be a speed freak too.

And the first night I went out, if that seven and a half years,

I was doing speed drinking. It's like, I said it up. And that's,

that's the thing about this disease. It's, it is so sneak and insidious.

And so, and it centers in my mind. So it talks to me in my own voice.

So every decision I made in my life, I always felt right.

I was right. You know, this is, this is what I feel. This is my gut feeling.

This is I'm going with my gut feeling, you know,

and it was never going to, I never wanted to be one of those AA people that,

you know, fall in line, you know, and do everything, you know,

do, do all the right things. I never, you know, I was like, nah, you know,

it's good for them, not for me. Cause I think really deep thoughts.

My thoughts are important thoughts. And my emotions,

my emotions are a little more important than the rest of you folks. And I see,

I, you know, I got, you know, I'm a little hipper, somehow a little slicker,

a little cooler. And I had this underlying type of alcoholic.

And you know, I looked apart and be at meetings and be active during those seven

and a half years. But there was always, there was always that part of me.

I was whole, I held back cause I, cause I wasn't completely surrendered. And,

you know, and the day, and the day came, you know, uh,

after seven and a half years where I was depressed and I was,

I was on antidepressants in my first, no,

they weren't working anymore. I went to a psychiatrist, you know,

this, I actually have a second opinion. Well, you've tried every medication.

Let's let's try, uh, maybe we should try electroconvulsive therapy. Uh,

well, I was like, okay. And right there, I made the decision, I got this,

I'm going to handle this from now. And I, you know,

I went fucking, you know, shortly thereafter, you know, I, I went, you know,

the first night, first night out to this place we used to eat at.

I said, no, give me, give me, uh, give me a shot of Jager ice tea.

And I started seven and a half years of completely dismantling my life.

I sold that business, uh, in sports television.

I sold that business before that.

And I can look back now and see how I set that up. It was perfect.

I read all my responsibilities and money coming in from the sale of that

business. And here I am in Vegas, you know,

24 seven and you go for 24 seven,

basically for the next eight years, all I did was hang out in the bar,

work in the bar, uh, snort speed, drink, chase women, gamble.

You know, that's all I did. And you know, and you know what, when you,

when you go out after having some surprises, well, things get bad.

I'll just go back again. You know, I'll just go back.

When things are getting bad, wrong, wrong, wrong. I did not get back.

It was not easy. It was, I didn't just, you know,

it can get a little rough. Here I am. When they came and got the house,

I knocked on the door one day and he goes,

I just bought your house at an auction. I just looked at him and said, okay,

how long do I have to get up? I hadn't paid the mortgage in a year. Okay.

And I'm drinking the snort speed. And I left that place.

Cause I wasn't going to go. Cause people at the time were wrecking houses,

you know, with their foreclothes on. I was going to leave it.

And when they came and got the cars, I just didn't, oh,

you need to jump at the jumper cables for them. They took the cars, you know,

and I just, it was like, and I wound up living with my local girlfriend, uh,

in a weekly, uh, motel, uh, CD part of the strip,

but I was going to come back if things got bad and things, you know,

things are fine here. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong here. And,

uh, you know, and, and, and the best,

the best job I could get was the end of my drinking was a bouncer in a drag queen

ball. That's the best job. If the,

if the being at major boxing events worldwide,

I'm breaking up fights in a drinking and you have not lived until you see two

drag queens and said, breaking up ladies,

but nothing's wrong here. Everything's okay. Everything's all right. Uh,

so I, you know, and then, you know, I had this, you know,

I was in this relationship with this girl and she, you know, she was,

she was just like me. She liked the speed. She liked the drink.

She had a psychiatrist sugar daddy and she would, she, she was old.

She was a while. And you know, you know,

we were both lower companions and we loved it. We were both low. And, and,

you know, we've been in the bars all the time, but it was,

it was total insanity. Uh, he would bring, he,

he would bring out,

he'd bring over her money every day and she'd go quick get in the closet.

Tummy's bringing home the bacon.

She, she really, she just didn't care. And, and, and,

and I didn't care either. I didn't care.

There was no dignity, no pride left.

There was just doing what we had to do to survive and get to the bar every day.

And, uh, you know, I remember I got a call from Mike, uh, Mikey. And, uh,

one day he goes, Hey, you're a sponsor of the sponsor who I had, uh,

he lived out in California. He goes, he's sick. And I want to talk to him.

It's a couple of guys from AA met them at a restaurant.

And we're seeing these guys for the first time.

Didn't see them in a long time and not sitting there talking with them.

And I was just like, it was like just a little opening,

but first time it was just a little crack of light.

Just being with those guys again. I remember driving back to our apartment,

driving back. I felt like I was really thought I was driving into that moment.

A clarity lasted, you know,

I don't know if you said you know, things got,

you know, they, you know, I could no longer work. And you know,

we were just hanging out and it was, it was getting bad and I was getting,

you know, I was really getting, you know,

crazy and starting to do some stupid stuff. And, uh, you know,

I called Steven, you know, he was on the sponsors. I said, Steven,

how are you? He goes, no, Logan, the question is, how are you? He goes,

how is your alcohol and drug induced fantasy of the life and how's your

girlfriend miss three mile Island? You know,

I just started laughing because I, you know, when we get the truth and you know,

and it's, and he puts it in a funny, I was like, yeah, I want to get over.

And then, uh, and uh, you know, I, uh,

I hooked up with David and you know, I said, okay, he said,

this guy's going to call you. He called me. I said, yeah,

a couple of days. I'd like to come out. He goes, oh, I'm right around the corner.

I had a few laundry, I mean, and uh,

David, David came and got me and I, and I went with him and I came out and,

you know, I checked into Brokman detox and you know,

that started like two or three years of going and forth. You know,

when it was in brockman, I was so, I think I checked in with point four,

slugging.

And I remember I, my audience shutting down detox and you know,

they almost put me in ICU. All this was shutting down, you know, you know,

if that, you know, you're in your fifties, I'm 70 now,

but you're in your fifties and you don't 24 seven speed and alcohol,

you know, things, some things are going to go wrong and it's amazing.

And it's a miracle that I don't have any health, you know,

health problems as a result of being eight year old in the fifties, you know,

it's, you know,

it wants me around for something, but, uh, you know, I,

but I still could not let go. I could not let go Las Vegas. I was, you know,

I get sober and, and, you know, I mean, I just didn't,

I couldn't look at my wife every couple of months. I'd go nuts in it,

you know, see what I had done to my life and every old wreckage, you know,

I had turned into a,

I had turned into a complete leech to my mother for eighties.

I remember like going to go and go to Western union to this

day, make some single thinking that yellow form and my mother, my,

my 80 year old mother walked, you know,

four or five blocks in the cold in New York to send,

to send sunny boy some money. I need two, $300,

you know, places that, you know, and I become a leech, you know,

to my, to my mother and my sister hated my death for what I had become.

And I hadn't been in touch with my son in the years, you know, my life was,

you know, a complete, a complete disaster. And, you know, so,

you know, going back and forth and back and forth and, you know, I, uh,

I'm in the Pacific group to this day. I've been in the Pacific group the whole time.

So I'm going back and forth and I just can't stay sober. And, you know,

you know, go back to Vegas and that was all blows up again and come

back out of here, get sober, you know, so going to meetings and, you know,

if they stick until the last time I went to Vegas, you know,

drinking those beers and it's not, it's just me drinking the beer.

I can not shut my head. I can not shut my head off. And then that,

that is a rotten place to be for now. All when you're drinking,

your brain is screaming for more, but your body can't take it. You know,

I couldn't drink it. I couldn't put the fire on. You know, I called Tim.

Then he said, get on a bus and come out, you know,

I'm a busser. That was such a rough life, you know. I didn't bring any money.

I didn't lose it. I was trying to get out of here. You know, I, uh,

I think I started, I went to the foundation and I 5150'd out of there.

It was detox. It was going nuts. And they said,

I remember the guy saying to me, well, I said, I need medication.

I need something. And he goes, well, we don't have any here. And he goes,

you can, you can go to get 5150. Okay. 51. He goes, I can't. He goes,

you gotta be suicidal. I ain't suicidal. And I remember he goes,

the cops are going to come. I don't care. Just need to get to work.

You know, I need medication and I remember someone's coming in and,

and I hand called me. I said, no problem. Let's go. And you know,

I got in the car and they walked the window open. Yeah, thank you.

They were really nice. I got to say,

these cops are the nicest stuffs I've met in my life. And the cop goes, oh,

how are you going to kill yourself? And I couldn't think of that. I'm thinking,

uh, I was going to jump off a bridge.

I'm trying to think of, I'm trying to think of how I was going to kill myself.

So, you know, and then, you know, when I got out at 5150,

that's when Tim picked me up and, uh, you know, and you know, thank God for 10,

you know, he came and got me and, uh, you know, it was done. I had no answers,

nothing, nothing was serious. And you know, when I walked into that mission,

I remember walking into my bag, looking to the people laying in the courtyard,

looking to take them off, you know, here I am, my tattered clothes, filthy,

you know, he's shaving my garbage bag. And I'm looking at these people and go,

I don't want to look at these.

Meanwhile, you can between them, if she thinks any cigarette cuts,

every cigarette, you know,

I walked in the mission and remember sitting on that pre admit in the midnight

mission and thinking, uh, it's over, you know, my life's up.

It was the first time though that I lost faith in my thinking,

how did this, you know, how did this happen?

Cause my best, my best decisions, my best thoughts, my best judgments.

And I'm sitting on skid row in LA, busted out my life complete.

And, uh, Tim, uh, you know, Tim told me, well, go in and see Clancy,

you wouldn't see Clancy. Yeah. And say, hello, you know,

tell me you hear an appointment. I went to see Clancy, looked at Clancy,

still he was still, and he, he, he, he like got right to it.

He looked at me and I said, well, I'm only here cause I have to be Clancy.

I have no place to go and even be sold.

And he looked over his glasses at me. He goes, well,

we're really honored to have a no good God damn bum like you with us.

That's harsh. But then he smiled.

He smiled. He smiled at me. And then one alcohol or two,

and he smiled at me. He goes, that's okay, kid. He goes, I know how you feel.

He goes, just stick around and come back and see me next week. And you know,

as I walk him back to my mom, you know, I believed him. I believe he,

he was just like me at one point. I believe that. And you know, I, uh,

I went back to my bunk and it was okay. It was okay. It was okay. Great.

You know, it gave me just a glimmer of hope that people like me,

can't get soap, you know, people like me when exacting. And I, you know,

I see him in the rooms all the time now, but I did, but before it's funny,

I didn't see them. I saw them, but I didn't see them. If that makes any sense.

Uh, so I, you know, I started, you know, uh, I started,

my first job at the mission was shoveling stuff off the sidewalk in the morning,

closing down the street and cleaning the bathroom and the courtyard. And then I,

moving into the lobby, you know,

and then I got the into the floors were doing a lot nicer gig, you know,

uh, somebody reached out to me to be Clancy's assistant.

So I wound up becoming Clancy's assistant 15 months. And what about,

what a gift from God, that is, I mean, to wine.

It's like having a heart condition and winding up in like the finest searches

office, you know, but it was, you know, wind up as his assistant.

And that's where the magic happens for me because my whole, my whole life,

my feelings dictated my, how I felt at a given moment,

dictated what I was going to do. If I felt bad, you know,

and if I had to drink, I'm sorry if I, you know, I'm sorry. If, if,

if you're home with the baby, you know, I'm going, you know,

I need to be at the bar drinking in every way, the selfishness,

selfishness, you know,

I would just follow my emotions and work and play for some somehow during

that time, it became really important to me that this emails ready,

this coffee ready to have everything ready for him every day to be at that desk

at 9.00 AM with a tie on. And you know, it was the first looking back,

it was the first time in my life that my feelings didn't matter,

but my actions did. And that's, you know, that's, you know, that's a, you know,

that's, that's, that's where the magic happens initially. And, uh, you know,

I started driving the van in the mission to the Pacific route meetings.

I went through the steps with Tim and Clancy became my, my sponsor. And, uh,

you know, he passed away like four years ago and I missed him,

missed the hell out of me. Uh, you know, it was like a grandfather to me,

you know, I got in the middle of the Pacific route.

I got in the middle and I'm still in the middle of the room. I still, you know,

it's, you know, I'm dancing. I'm not, I'm not changing, I'm not changing.

I'm not changing anything. I look back and we're like,

why would I change? I have 11 years, I don't have a decent life today.

Why would I, why would I change anything I'm doing? You know, but you know what,

sometimes I'll get, I'll get bright ideas. Like, you know,

it's not a good foundation now. You know,

I think I need to be like going to this mini meeting.

I don't need to be in the middle of this, you know,

and then, and then I was like, no, no, no.

It's just another bright idea. Just, you know, my,

my disease trying to sell me again. It's always trying to sell me on,

on a good idea. So I went through the steps and you know,

I got to make amends to my son, you know,

and everybody is so classy saying, okay,

he's coming out today. Do I write a letter and read it to him?

When he gets off the plane, do I do this? Do I do that? He looks at me,

he goes, if you do kid, he goes, put on a college shirt,

shave and just be a good AA. Now get the hell out of my office. And you know,

it's the simple AA advice that has,

that has really held me in good sense. Just good old,

simple AA advice. And, uh, you know, I got,

my mom passed away in 2017, but I got to, you know,

I got to make the amends to her and, you know,

when she was in a facility and they wanted to move her to a lesser facility for

money, I got to contribute and keep her in the nicer facility. So I got to,

and you know, I gotta tell you, I wouldn't want,

I don't even want to know what that would feel like if I didn't have a chance to

make it right. And I got you guys to thank for that.

I got you guys to thank for that. I got, and you know, my sister,

my sister had me deliver the eulogy at a funeral, you know, and you know,

you know, I got to make things right. And you know,

I used to sit at the mission on the smoke deck and look at the skyline,

you know, downtown and then coming up 58 years old, look at,

I'm never going to be a part of that again. I forget,

I'm washed up who's going to hire me, you know, you know, so it's always there,

you know, the negativity and, you know,

I looked at these people on a Wednesday night in the, you know,

at the time it was at the synagogue, the big meeting. And I looked and,

you know, I believe these people, that was the only thing I had to hold up.

I believe they were like me and they got better and they looked like they were

having good lives. Made me believe I could do it. And, you know,

working in that property manager, now I do a lot of different personalities.

It's, it's, you know, I have nine buildings, I do projects,

and it's a lot of stress, but you know, the, uh, I take this,

I take this program, I take it with me to work, you know,

I just showing up at meetings and being a secretary.

It's not going to do with me. You know, work the steps,

I live the steps every day. They try to live them, you know, my, you know,

I got a difficult tenant and you know, it's always in the back of my mind,

with glance, he told me, kindness kid, you can't go wrong with kindness.

You can never go wrong with kindness.

That's like the full position for the rest of your life, kindness. And then,

you know, he told me, you go to work. When you go to work, say yes,

and keep your mouth shut. That's it. Just say yes and keep your mouth shut.

And you know, I have a great relationship with my boss. Uh,

I'm valued at work. You know, it's, it's stressful sometimes. I'm thinking,

I'm thinking, I'll think sometime. This is, this is alcoholism.

You didn't get sober to be asleep. You know,

they actually, what is this? You know, and you know,

and then I tell myself you were sitting at the mission.

You're at the mission sitting there looking at the skyline.

Now look at you today. You know, you got a nice place. You live in Venice.

You go to the beach, your bodyboard, your body serve,

but I didn't get sober to be asleep. You know,

and I didn't, you know, when I went through the steps, I didn't, you know,

I had the spiritual way, but not, I have a disease.

And it's always going to be with me. It's always going to talk to me.

And I'm okay with that. As long as I know that. And I don't panic when,

you know, when I'm feeling out of sorts, you know, and you know,

as long as I'm around new people, I'll be okay.

As long as I do what we do in here, I'll be okay. You know, and I, you know,

I have a God in my life. I hit my knees every morning. You know, uh,

I go to five meetings a week still. I secretary a meeting,

I sponsor guys and I do what we do in here because, you know,

I don't want to be sitting in that pre-admit bunk. Yeah. And then,

and I'd be lucky if I even made it to the pre-admit bunk, the way I drink,

you know, I'm an alcoholic, uh, the, you know, a hardcore,

I'm a hardcore alcoholic and you guys saved me.

I'd like to thank you for listening and God bless.