Josh's Path from Childhood Exposure to Sobriety

Hi, my name is Josh, I'm a sensitive alcoholic.

Thanks for asking me to speak, Nate.

Thanks for your share.

Quality of life.

- Quaff life.

- What is that name, quaff?

I just want to say that because I like to hear that.

Quality of life, nice.

So let's see what it was like, what happened,

and what it's like next.

So I had my first drink when I was eight days old.

You know, I didn't drink, I didn't eat anything that day.

And my parents threw a party for me

and had a couple sips of wine and got tossed.

Next thing I know, I'm naked on the table

and everyone's staring at me

and there's some guy standing over me

with some crazy dreadlocks doing something to my weenie.

Woke up a couple hours later with a terrible hangover

and my gig was killing.

For those goyim in the house,

that is what's known as a bris.

Also for those goyim in the house, goyim means non-Jew.

A bris is something that the Jewish people do

to their male babies.

So anyway, they say there's no alcoholic Jews,

which is absolutely not true, obviously.

You know, we're taught at a very early age,

you mix alcohol with your genitalia and you get pain.

So my drinking just basically followed that pattern

for the next 27 years.

And you know, I got kicked out of fifth grade

for smoking weed.

I got kicked out of ninth grade for selling weed.

I got kicked out of 10th grade for drinking.

And for some amazing miracle of the LAUSD system,

I graduated on time, it was amazing.

So yeah, you know, my story has a lot of drugs in it.

I hope that doesn't offend anybody.

It is my story, so there's nothing I can do about it.

That's just the way it is.

But anyway, when I finally did get sober,

I remember they had a panel come into the rehab I was in

of AA and there was these three old ladies.

They were at least 55.

And they said, you know, they used to say in that rehab,

they used to say, listen for the similarities

and not the differences.

They used to say that over and over again,

listen for the similarities, not the differences.

Listen for the similarities and not the differences.

It was real easy for me to listen for the differences.

You know, like my mind would just latch on

to how this was not going to work for me.

And you know, I don't need to do all that stuff or, you know,

all that stuff isn't going to work, you know,

so on and so forth.

It was like easy for me to listen for the differences.

It was not easy for me to listen for the similarities.

So these old ladies came in and they spoke

and they talked about what it was like for them

before they even started drinking at all.

And what they said is something that I've heard

over and over again in AA.

They said that even before they started drinking,

they didn't feel like they were a part of,

that they felt separate from, they felt different.

And I thought back on my life when I heard them say that,

and you know, when I was a kid,

I was really into this TV show called "Happy Days".

I was like really into that.

In particular, I was really into the Fonz.

And I loved the Fonz.

I don't know, I loved the Fonz so much

that I actually became the Fonz.

And actually, my parents buy me a leather jacket

and I walked around the school yard going, "Hey, ladies."

And when I heard those ladies share that,

I thought back on that experience and I was like,

"You know what?

"Actually, it wasn't that I loved the Fonz so much.

"It was more so that I didn't love me.

"I didn't want to be me.

"I wanted to be someone else.

"I wanted to be someone that I thought

"everyone else thought was cool."

And I didn't even realize that at the time.

And as I look back on my life,

I realized that my perception of who I was

was not at all right.

Because I was the second non-handicapped kid

integrated into a handicapped school.

This was during desegregation.

And I felt weird.

I felt like nobody liked me.

Which was absolutely not true.

I was like the football star.

'Cause I was one of the only non-handicapped kids in there.

And my dad is an actor and he was pretty famous at the time.

And so I'm sure everybody, looking back on it now,

I'm sure everybody was like, "This guy's cool."

But I just didn't feel that way.

I felt like separate from exactly what those ladies said.

I didn't feel like I was a part of.

And I wanted to be.

I wanted to be down.

And so that drove me to do all kinds of things

that are not me.

But I did it because I thought

that was what other people would like.

And so that's what I did when I was a kid.

I sort of just played this role

that I thought other people would like.

And we all got into drugs and drinking and all that.

And I did all kinds of stuff

that I'm not proud of because of that.

And so eventually, whatever, I moved.

I graduated high school and I went to college.

And I went to college in Humboldt County

'cause they got some really killer schools up there.

(laughing)

And I was growing weird and I had a mail order business

and all that.

But then I realized I wanted to be an actor.

So I came back to LA and I went to school for that.

And then I ended up joining a band.

And we had some popularity here in LA,

but drugs were always a part of my life.

Like always, they were like the main gig.

And like I said, I sold weed for most of my life.

It was like how I made a living

and I really didn't see it as a problem.

Actually, I saw it as a solution.

But there were times that I didn't have it

and I couldn't think of anything but getting it.

And I did all kinds of things to get the money to get it.

I ripped people off, I panhandled.

I did all kinds of things to get the money to get just weed.

So people say weed isn't addictive.

Well, to me, it was.

And I risked my whole life and everything for it.

And then I met this girl and she was into heroin

and I was into her.

And so I figured if I had the heroin, she would be into me.

And I was right and it worked for a while.

But eventually she ended up getting clean

and left me with this ever so slight heroin addiction.

And when I first attempted to get clean and sober,

I didn't even really think I had a drug problem, right?

And so I went to, this one day I tried to kick heroin

and kicked it one time on my friend's couch.

Three days later, I was all right.

And I was like, I was sick for three days

and then I was all right.

And I was like, "Well, that wasn't so bad.

"I can do that again."

Never able to do it again, I tried and tried and tried.

Never, never able to do it again.

So like every day I would wake up sick and broke

and have to do it all, sell some drugs

in order to get some money to get the heroin and get well.

I mean, it was horrible.

And it went on and on and on, right?

And so the one day I didn't sell any weed

and so I was broke.

I wasn't able to score and the whole day went by.

Now, granted, I lived in an apartment there in Hollywood

and I had spent all my money on drugs

and then they turned off the lights,

there was no electricity.

And then I was like, "All right, well, I'll spend this money

"on the electricity bill."

So I, you know, and then I was like, "Oh shit,

"now I gotta pay the rent."

So I paid the rent and then they turned off the gas.

And you know, I kept getting moving violations in my car

and I was like, "Screw it, it's the car."

It came from the car, sold the car.

And you know, so I'm living in this apartment

with no electricity and no heat.

And you know, I didn't clean up.

I didn't pick anything up off the ground,

literally for about a year and a half.

So there were trails from the couch to the bedroom.

Like you could walk on the trail,

but you couldn't walk anywhere else.

And you know, I remember I threw a spaghetti party

and you know, at one time,

and then I put the dishes in the sink

and I didn't deal with them.

And you know, the, you know,

the maggots came off and they turned into flies

and flew away.

And literally by the time I threw those dishes,

they were clean.

You'd be like, "Oh, I didn't even think about you."

You know?

Anyway, so it's Monday, I'm there and I'm like,

you know, I didn't, I wasn't able to score.

And you know, it's midnight.

The one thing I did, this was before cell phones.

The one thing I did do was keep my phone on

because that's how I did my business, right?

And what I, it was in November,

my sobriety date is December 23rd, 1993.

So I got 30 years working on 31.

But what I used to do is I would take all the candles

and I would melt them into a big bowl.

And then, you know, I would just take a piece of paper

and light it on fire and throw it on the bowl.

And the wax would just burn.

It'd be like a big bowl of streaming wax

in the middle of my living room there, you know?

And I had, so it was great.

It was like warmth and light.

But every now and then I'd get in the bowl and crack

and this flaming wax would come pouring out.

And like, you know, the real fire hazard

with all that trash everywhere.

But anyway, so it was really, I wasn't able to score.

And so I called my, I was like, I can't kick here.

This is gonna be the worst.

So I called my parents and they,

I told them that I was sick.

I had the flu.

I was like, I got a really bad flu.

Can I come recuperate ear huffs?

They're like, yeah.

And I was like, all right, cool.

It's really bad.

It's so bad.

No matter what I say, no matter what I do,

don't let me leave for three days.

They were like, okay.

So then my dad came and picked me up.

We went back to his house and then I'll just never forget

this, I was sitting on, sitting in my parents' bathroom

like this, rivering and sweating.

And my mom says to me, oh my God, what's wrong with you?

You look like a homeless person.

And I was like, what are you talking about?

And I looked down at my hands

and caked around my hands was dirt.

And I thought to myself, well, wait,

when was the last time I took a shower?

I realized it had been two weeks since I took a shower.

And I thought, when was the last time I washed my clothes?

I couldn't even remember

when the last time I washed my clothes was.

And I had a moment of clarity

and I decided to tell him what was going on.

So I told him what was going on and my mom is a shrink.

And she was like, okay, he can kick on the couch.

And I was like, no way.

'Cause my dad had known a bunch of heroin and he was like,

no, he either goes to rehab or he hits the street, right.

And I was like, okay, well, homeless or go to rehab.

I'll go to rehab.

So I went to rehab.

And that's where I heard that whole thing

about what it felt like before they started drinking.

And so I started to go to, they would go to the meetings,

go to AA meetings every day.

And I started going to the meetings.

And it was a hard time because listen,

I drank a lot of alcohol.

I never had a relationship with alcohol

like I did with heroin or even weed for that matter.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I drank pretty much every day,

but I didn't get sick like that if I didn't have it.

I love the effect.

I do not like the way alcohol tastes, okay.

I like the way alcohol feels.

In the big book it says, Dr. Silkwood says alcoholics drink

because they like the effect of alcohol.

That is exactly why I drank

'cause I liked the way it made me feel.

And I just, if I just drank a little, that wasn't enough.

I had to get wasted.

Oblivion, that's what I was going for.

But I never had that same relationship with alcohol

like I did with heroin or weed.

So I had a hard time in AA at first.

And they told me, they were telling me

all kinds of things to do.

They said to go to sober living.

And I was like, "No, but you don't understand.

"I've got this great apartment to go back to."

(laughing)

So they were like, "Okay, fine.

"Go back, that's fine."

And so I went back and my dad had bought me a Coleman lantern

as a coming home present.

And this was one of the old Coleman lanterns

where you had to light it and it would make that sound so.

So I can light it up, walk me in my door.

I'm standing there with the Coleman lantern

and I say to him, "Dad, don't worry about me.

"I know I'm a drug addict.

"I know I can never do drugs again.

"Don't worry."

And he says, "Okay, love you, son."

He turned around and walked away.

I watched him walk to the end of the driveway and turn

and I ran right to where I kept my scale

and I scrounged up a little weed there was there

and I rolled a joint.

Literally five minutes I was alone

and I'm sitting there with this joint

and I'm about to spark it up.

And I think to myself, "Wait a minute."

They said in AA, "Call someone before you use."

And then I thought, "Fuck that, if I do that,

"they're gonna convince me not to use."

Yeah, and so I sparked it up and I took that hit

and I swear to God, the second I took that hit,

my mind just pounced.

Said, "Well, now you screwed it up.

"You might as well go all the way.

"Get what you really want.

"You fucked everything up anyway."

And I was like, "Oh my God."

And I was like, "Believe me, when I got sober,

"I hated my life.

"I really, it was a nightmare.

"I could not stop, but I could not continue."

It was like I was at that point in my life

where it was like either I just kill myself

or I get sober or I just continue on into oblivion, right?

And that was a nightmare to me.

And so I just got really scared

and I just sat on my hands all night freaking out

until the morning when my friend picked me up

and took me to the morning meeting that we went to.

And I told him I relapsed and everything

and we went into the meeting and I kept raising my hand

'cause I wanted to share and no one would call on me.

I was just getting one more fist off.

And finally, they're like, "Burning desire time."

I don't know if it's a burning desire,

but my friend was like, "He needs to share."

So they called on me and I said,

"Listen, I've heard people say

"that when they came to AA, they felt at home.

"I did not feel that way, but I can't go back.

"I can't go back to my home.

"My home is, I can't stay sober in my home.

"So I need to make this my home.

"So if anybody here knows how to stay sober,

"please tell me," right?

And it was like, if every year you wanna know

how to stay sober, I dare you to raise your hand

in an AA meeting and ask because there's 20 control freaks

in here right now that totally wanna tell you

what you do, right?

And it's crazy 'cause I think back on it now

and it's like that night when I smoked that joint,

it's like I looked around my apartment

and I realized that first of all, I was powerless

because I couldn't go five minutes without it.

And second of all, my life was completely unmanageable

because drugs have been paying rent

in that apartment for years.

And it had taken my electricity and my heat

and I couldn't function without it.

I just knew that I could not function without drugs.

And I remembered the people in AA

that they somehow knew how to stay sober.

So I came to believe that a power greater than myself,

the people in AA could tell me how to stay sober.

And I made a decision that night that I was gonna do

what they told me to do.

And so that's what I did.

And so they told me the same things you hear

in a lot of meetings.

They said 90 meetings in 90 days, keep coming back.

I took that to me, keep coming back to the same meetings.

And I did.

And I ended up knowing a whole bunch of, by doing that,

I ended up getting to know a whole bunch of sober people.

I didn't know any sober people when I first got clean sober.

It's like, I didn't wanna know sober people.

I didn't trust sober people.

I thought sober people were freaks.

I just wanted them to stay away from me.

I got to know a bunch of sober people that way.

They told me to take commitments.

And I did that.

And again, I got to know a bunch of people that way.

And I got to start to feel like I had a purpose in life.

They told me to put sobriety first in my life

and let everything else follow.

And I did that.

They told me to pursue sobriety

like I pursued my addiction.

And I pursued my addiction like a maniac.

And so I did that.

And I pursued sobriety like a maniac.

I went to as many meetings, three meetings a day

for a long time.

They told me to get a sponsor and work the steps.

And I did that.

And that means a lot of things to a lot of different people.

And I remember when I went back to that meeting,

I had an idea of who I want.

I was like, I gotta get a sponsor.

And I had gotten a sponsor when I was in rehab,

but it was just like, because she said,

we're not gonna let you go to phase two

unless you get a sponsor, right?

So I'd gotten a sponsor.

And I called the guy and he never called me back, never.

So then there was this other guy

who was going to a ton of meetings

and he was in the music business.

And I was like, that's the guy I want as my sponsor.

But it was December 23rd, right, that I got clean.

And so when I went to the AA meeting, he was on vacation.

He wasn't there.

And there was this other guy there

who I had seen at a bunch of meetings that had commitments.

And he was 10 years older than me

and he had two years clean and sober.

And I was just like, all right, I'm gonna ask him to,

and I have no idea who this guy is.

But I'm gonna ask him to be my sponsor.

So I asked him.

And it turns out, actually, we had a lot in common.

It was weird.

You know, at first, I didn't think we did.

He was 10 years older than me.

But then it turned out we actually had a lot in common.

And we would get together every week

and we would read the big book and the 12 and 12.

And we would talk about it, break it down,

talk about it and stuff like that.

And it was really cool.

I got to know him really well.

And he got to know me well.

He got to know me better than anybody.

And then we got to the fourth step.

And I was really scared about the fourth step.

And he had me do the inventory out of the big book,

you know, the four column inventory.

But then he also had me make a list of secrets

that I swore I would never tell anybody

and that I was gonna take to the grave.

And he was like, don't worry about telling it to anybody.

Just write it down.

So I did that and I was doing this fourth step.

And I realized every single person I could remember

to literally, I had a resentment against.

(laughing)

So I pissed off at everybody, my best friends.

Like, you know, for things that are just stupid.

Like I remember in high school, one of my best friends,

he just had the six pack and he didn't work out or anything,

but he just was born that way.

And I was like, that's not fair.

(laughing)

I didn't hang him for that, I didn't hang him.

He was like one of my best friends.

But I was pissed off at him for that.

You know, all of this happened against him.

And just like everybody, I mean, it was just crazy.

And you know, and they told me also to, you know,

we did the fear inventory and the sex inventory.

And I remember I was having a real hard time

sleeping back then and I'd stay up all night

writing this fourth step, you know.

And I mean, probably not writing, mostly thinking.

And I was doing this, the inventory on the sex.

And I remember there was this time when I was in high school

that I had this scene partner, it was this woman

we were supposed to kiss in the scene,

but she was like, beautiful.

And I was totally in there.

And like, so I decided I would, when we kissed,

I would try to French kiss her.

So I did, and she got pissed off and she smacked me.

And like, and we never talked again, right?

And I was like, oh God, I can't put that on my fourth step

at like three or four in the morning.

Didn't sleep at all that night.

And I went to the 7 a.m. meeting.

I swear to God, I hadn't thought about her since then,

probably, well, maybe a little bit, but not much.

I sat down in the meeting and she sits right next to me

in the meeting.

- Yeah, I was like, well.

- It was like so weird.

And people just started coming out of the woodwork

like that, you know?

And so anyway, so, you know, we continued to do that.

And I really felt like I had been sort of beaten

into submission and gotten my ego crushed

to the point where I was willing to do whatever it took.

And this one thing happened to me that really hit home to me.

So when I was using, I hadn't been to the dentist

in like 15 years or more even.

And it was a long stretch of time

when I didn't brush my teeth.

And so my teeth were falling apart.

And I remember when I was using,

I remember one time I was hanging out

with a bunch of my friends and I was eating an apple

and a piece of my tooth broke off.

This was a molar.

And I spit it out and put it in my hand

and looked at all my friends and I was like,

I'm not telling them this, you know?

And I just put it in my pocket, right?

And so by the time I got sober, you know,

I was missing some teeth in the back.

There were black holes.

There were other teeth that were broken.

And yeah, I was just getting loaded all the time.

So I didn't feel it.

And I get pleaded sober and all of a sudden,

now I'm in a whole lot of pain, right?

And I called my sponsor and I was like,

what am I gonna do?

And he's like, go to the dentist and have sex.

I hadn't been to the dentist in 15 years or something.

You know, and he was like,

I'm gonna give you the phone number of the dentist.

Call him up, he's in the program.

He'll hook you up.

I was like, okay.

So he gives me the phone number.

He said, call him and then call me back.

Call him and then I called him back.

And I said, okay, I did it.

And I was like, but I'm probably not gonna show up.

I never go to the dentist.

He said, pray for the willingness to go to the dentist.

I was like, what is praying for the willingness

to go to the dentist gonna do for me?

At this point, I really didn't, I wasn't a God guy too much.

I was, it kind of turned me off actually.

I was like, what am I gonna do?

How's that gonna work for me?

And he said, look, just pray for the willingness

to have the willingness to go to the dentist.

I was like, fine.

So I hung up with them.

I started praying for, please God,

give me the willingness to have the willingness

to go to the dentist.

Please give me the willingness to have the willingness

to go to the dentist.

Saying that over and over again until I realized like,

I think to myself, well, how's God gonna give me

the willingness to go to the dentist?

And then I realized, God is gonna keep me

in so much fucking pain that it looks like a good idea

to go to the dentist, right?

And I realized like that is the story of my life.

I just, I have to get my back against the wall

before I do anything.

I, you know, they used to say that this is

a threefold disease.

It's well, kind of baffling and powerful,

but they also said it affects our body,

our mind and our spirit.

And it was obvious for me to see how it affected my body

'cause I'd get sick.

My mind and my spirit was harder.

And I remember one time I was in rehab with these guys,

you know, distended livers.

They were jaundiced, they were homeless.

And I was like, I don't think I've hit bottom yet really.

You know?

So I called my mom and I was like, mom,

I don't think I've hit bottom yet.

She was like, fine, we'll plan a funeral

if you haven't had bottom yet.

But at that point, you know, death didn't,

death actually looked like a good idea at times, you know?

So that wasn't rewarding me, but I realized like,

what I was saying, what am I saying there?

I'm saying that I want to lose everything

before I stopped doing drugs.

I want to lose, I want to be like those people

before I stop.

And I thought, that's just crazy.

That's how it affects my mind, you know?

And so anyway, you know, I ended up going to the dentist

and I was really ashamed and embarrassed.

And I, this was like an analogy for my disease.

I thought that this dentist was gonna look inside.

I was gonna open up my mouth and let someone see inside.

And they were gonna see all the rot

that is on the inside of me and smell the disgustingness

of who it is that's inside there and say, you know,

you're disgusting, you're horrible,

and I never want to see you again, right?

This is just too much.

That's what I was afraid of.

And you know, when I went to the dentist, you know,

it was, that wasn't the case at all.

When I opened my mouth and let him look inside,

he saw a gold mine and he was like, right on,

let's get it to his head.

So whatever, they rebuilt my mouth, you know?

And that was just like, that's how it was.

That's how I felt about myself, you know, really.

It's like, you know, that feeling of not being a part of

that feeling of like, I'm a freak, you know, I'm disgusting.

You know, this, I've heard it described as shame, you know,

that that's what, that's how I felt.

And that, you know, here's the deal.

Recovery really has been for me this journey

into self-acceptance, figuring out who I am

and then also figuring out who I'm not

because I had a lot of misperceptions about who I thought

I was.

When I got sober, my first name is Benjamin.

My middle name is Joshua.

My parents named me Joshua and then never called me that.

I mean, they named me Benjamin and never called me that.

They always called me Josh, all right?

Well, as I got older, all my friends started calling me,

I had a nickname, Shribe.

My last name is Shriber.

So they all called me Shribe.

So when I first got clean and sober, it's like,

I didn't know who I was.

It's like, you know, I had to, they would say at the meeting,

raise your hand, say your name and the name of your disease.

And I was like, so I had to pick a name basically, you know?

Am I Shribe, am I Ben, am I Josh?

You know, and so I decided I'd go with Josh

and call myself an alcoholic, you know?

And that was like the first time that I looked at myself

through this different lens about, you know,

instead of just, I used to think I was just this guy

that liked to party, you know?

And I thought of myself as like, you know,

a jokester and a womanizer and, you know,

these are all these things that I thought I was.

And, but, you know, so then I started looking at myself

from a different, through a different lens

of being an alcoholic and what does that mean, you know?

And, you know, and so, so I started doing that

and it was like the beginning of my journey

into self-acceptance, figuring out who I am.

And, you know, I had people say to me when I was new,

you know, 'cause I was 27 when I got sober,

I had a moha when I got sober too.

And, you know, people used to say to me I spilled more

than you drank.

And there was this one guy that would come up to me

and say, are you a real alcoholic?

And I was like, I don't know if I'm a real alcoholic.

You know, I don't even think you like alcohol, right?

The only reason I drink alcohol is to get wasted, you know?

And I certainly didn't have that relationship with it

that I did with other drugs.

And so there was this other guy in the meeting

that would raise that, my name's Don

and I'm a real alcoholic.

And so I went up to Don, I said,

how do you know you're a real alcoholic?

And Don said, listen, Josh,

I don't say I'm a real alcoholic to convince you

I'm a real alcoholic.

And I don't say I'm a real alcoholic to convince anyone

in here that I'm a real alcoholic.

I say I'm a real alcoholic to convince myself

that I'm a real alcoholic because my head says

I'm not a real alcoholic.

I'm a crack head and I can drink one beer.

And I thought about it and I realized, you know what?

That's what my head was doing too.

It was, I saw my friends drinking beer

and I thought, why can't I just drink one beer?

What's the big deal?

I don't even have a problem with alcohol.

But the reality is I don't like beer.

It's every one reason I don't drink beer

and that's to get wasted.

And one beer is not gonna come.

So this is just a lie that my head is telling me

to start drinking.

And I know once I start, my head jumps on me and says,

you blew it anyway, you might as well go all the way.

And so listen, they say this is a self-diagnosed disease.

You're the only one that can call yourself an alcoholic.

But you know, the reality is also,

you're the only one that can say you're not an alcoholic.

And the only requirement for membership in AA

is a desire to stop drinking.

So that means if I had one drink in my whole life

and I never wanted to drink again, guess what?

I can be in AA, right?

As long as I never wanna drink again.

And so, you know, I'm an alcoholic.

So I can be a part of AA, right?

And you know, look, so I've thought about this a lot,

you know, and even in the big book, Bill's story,

he's talking about alcohol and I can totally relate

to everything he's talking about

when he's talking about his drinking.

But he also talks about that he couldn't sleep

and he got a prescription for sedatives

and he got addicted to sedatives too.

So I mean, anybody says that you're, you know,

but nobody can tell you you are an alcoholic.

Nobody can tell you you're not.

If you, you know, you have a desire to stop drinking,

you're gonna be a member of AA, period.

So anyway, I get all those things.

You know, I got those commitments.

I went to tons of meetings.

I still go to meetings.

I've been clean this over 30 years.

My life completely changed, all right?

And you know, I didn't necessarily get what I wanted out of life

but I definitely got it, got what I needed, all right?

And you know, I heard early on when you ask God

for something, he has three answers for you.

One is, one is yes.

The other is not now.

And the other is, I got something better for you.

And you know, I have gotten way more than what I wanted.

It doesn't look the way I wanted it to,

but I got, you know, I got way more than I wanted.

And some of it had to do with giving up ideas

and hopes and dreams

and starting to get grounded in reality, all right?

And you know, this idea that I am not,

I was talking to Nate before we came,

I'm not the things that I do.

I'm not the things that I wear.

I'm, you know, say I'm wearing the shirt,

this tie and this jacket.

I don't wear this in everyday life, you know?

And when I work, I have a work outfit that I have to wear.

And you know, so listen, you know, I met my wife in AA.

We have a kid now,

and my life is way beyond my wildest dreams.

So, you know, I just needed to put aside

what I was thinking is the best thing to do.

Listen to what other people are telling me to do

and then do that.

And that has changed my life in my opinion for the better.

And that's the only opinion that matters to me.

So, yeah.