Finding Safety and Sponsorship: Mindy's 26-Year Recovery Story

Hi everybody. My name is Mindy. I'm an alcoholic.

This setup is very impressive.

I am fascinated with the lights that my dear friend Scott has the control and

power over over here. Um, I want to thank Nate for asking me to speak.

It is really an honor to be here. Um, and thank,

thank you to every single person in this room who was so welcoming and that I

don't know where else in our culture that we have something like this where you

guys don't know who I am,

but this welcoming the hugs and the handshakes and the feeling what happens in

me is is I drank for that feeling to be a part of and um,

and yet I haven't gotten in any trouble coming into these rooms and I got into

so much trouble when I was getting that from a bottle.

So thank you all for being so kind and welcoming.

This really is the best deal in town and I want to say hi to everybody who's on

line.

I'm so grateful that we are at a stage in our culture that we have this kind of

technology and we can share this like this.

And also thank you to anybody who is helping with this technology because it's

pretty extraordinary. Um, there's no newcomers, which is pretty,

is there anyone new on zoom? Anybody new? Okay, great.

Let's talk about tradition. Um,

I want to thank Greg for an incredibly moving, powerful,

share with us. Um, and I'm going to copy your work, sir.

I got over August 2nd, 1998 I have had two sponsors.

One sponsored me for my first year and then she said,

so you're a little bird and I'm pushing you out of the nest. And I was like,

why? And she said, cause I only have a year and you need someone with more time.

And I said, okay, great.

And I found a really extraordinary woman who had everything I wanted and she is

still my sponsor today and she's 94 years old.

I love her from the depths of my soul. She's an extraordinary,

extraordinary woman who's been sober for over 50 years. And, um,

and I aspire to be like her and,

and often I don't even have to call her because I think what would Roz do?

And I, and, and her, her wisdom and her guidance is always like, honey,

did you pray about it? So I pray about it. I do writing and then I'll,

and then I'll probably call her. But, um,

you said something that so resonated for me as far as having chess in your head

that you were playing the chess in your head. And one of the reasons I love,

love coming to Alcoholics Anonymous is I hear a line from my song that I've never

heard before because I so resonate with that and you put into words experience

that I've had that I've never articulated before.

So thank you for that because every meeting I go to,

I understand myself and that is pretty extraordinary.

How what a fortunate group of people we are that we may have stumbled to liquor

stores and drug dealers and everything,

but we can come together here and maybe feel a little more comfortable in our

skin because we're not alone.

And I never understood that when I was in active alcoholism.

I never understood that and I come here and I feel a part of,

and that's a pretty extraordinary feeling. Um, what else did you say of your,

you said all this great stuff. So I have 26 years of recovery, um,

two sponsors and like you,

when I came in there was a very consistent formula.

You go to 90 meetings in 90 days, you get a sponsor, you work the steps.

And I was like, okay, reasonable. That was absolutely reasonable.

And when I have made that suggestion to people who are really

suffering, they're like 90 meetings and 90 days.

And I always look at them and I, and I, and two things happen.

I'm so grateful that that was not my experience. I was like, that's okay.

Like what else am I doing? I'm not a busy gal at that point. I was,

it was a miserable, miserable time and I had nothing better to do.

And I was crawling out of my skin, but these meetings, I felt safe.

And I had these glimmers of, I'm not crazy.

I'm an alcoholic. And that was actually really good news. That was, I had,

there was a great sense of relief in that because I felt insane.

I felt really, really crazy. And, um,

I'm going to take you guys back to the beginning.

Let's walk it back a little bit. I was born and raised in San Francisco.

Four one five where, um, I was a teenager in the eighties.

And, and what I,

what I consider the irony is that in San Francisco in the sixties,

seventies and eighties, there, there was a very strong drug culture.

There was like a, you know, it was, it was part of our culture. Um,

so I didn't have a lot of, this is a terrible thing. Don't do it.

I didn't, I was not in an environment like that,

but I will share with you that my, that I, that I grew up in a house that felt

pretty crazy. My parents were very lovely people.

They wanted the best for us and they, and they worked really hard. However,

they grew up in environments that were extremely scrappy.

They both were, were, were raised during the depression.

And then it had a profound effect on them and on their families.

And I really appreciate that. And I understand that their focus was their work.

And there was a lot of fighting in my house.

There was a lot of anger in my house and there was a lot of

unaddressed mental health issues that came out sideways.

And I have an older sister.

So there were two little girls who were really scared and not really protected

and not nurtured.

And I ended up self medicating with drugs and alcohol.

My sister used drugs and was actually able to put it down,

but she also struggled with some mental health issues that never really got

fully addressed. And because I was in the fishbowl of this happening,

I had no understanding of what was happening.

I thought everybody's parents did what my parents did.

Although when I did visit my friends, there was a sweetness and there was a,

there was a connection and a warmth. Sometimes my,

my friends moms would hug me and it was like mana from heaven.

It just, it had the biggest effect on me. And, um,

so I, I remember,

I remember first having, and I hope I remember drinking wine

coolers. I mean, it's impressive, right? Um,

about 14 and what,

what growing up in my house gave me was a lot of, of tension.

Like if people are fighting and there's no way to discharge that feeling in your

body, I kind of felt like I was walking around like this.

And when I had this wine cooler,

I felt like they were hearts and angels because my, my everything just kind of

relax. And something in my head said, this must be what people do.

This must be how to deal with the stress of,

of life and something in my head was like, okay,

so this is how we get the relief we need duly noted.

And because I was in San Francisco and it was a pretty

permissive, I also, I mean,

I had a fake ID and parents who weren't really paying attention.

So that worked out very, very well.

Um, I, there weren't a lot of consequences.

There was a lot of experimenting with a lot of different things.

We seem to kind of keep it together so that I never got in trouble

for my using. When I, I, uh,

when it slowed things down because I knew I need to really like to focus in

college. And so I, um, that had my attention.

I wanted to succeed because I wanted to move to Los Angeles.

And so I did that and I was working in the film industry. Uh,

I worked in casting and I had so much fun and I was very,

very focused and very driven. And what I noticed happening,

and I couldn't understand this while it was happening,

but only when I got sober, was I able to look back and say, Oh my goodness,

what? It was very clear to me. Once I got sober,

I would drink a lot over heartbreak and stress.

And I had a particularly terrible breakup with somebody who I was very,

very much in love with. And I drank to make those feelings go away.

And it worked for a few hours.

And I would wake up in the morning with terrible hangovers and I would just,

you know, pop some Advil. I'm like, you know, I'm Irish.

This is what we do to soldier on. And my drinking, I,

my tolerance went up and I thought I'm Irish boy, howdy. And I,

I took this as a, as a badge of honor and it really wasn't, it was,

my alcoholism was progressing rapidly and going up to the time

when, when it necessitated coming to, to see you lovely people, I,

we had something happen in my family that was really terrible.

As far as certain people had information,

certain people did not have information.

And I was absolutely blindsided and,

and I drank because the feeling in my body was intolerable.

And I was on hiatus from, from a show that I was working on. And I,

I had rules for myself as I had been told non-alcoholics don't make rules.

Isn't that crazy?

They apparently don't need to make rules about limits of when you can start

drinking and the days you can drink. I thought I was very organized.

Apparently that's an alcoholic thing. And, um,

and I was drinking every day at that point because of the pain. And, and,

you know, one day I was just like, so this can't go on.

I desperately need the help and support and I can't think my way out of this

because this is just going to keep getting worse. And, uh,

I came to these lovely rooms and people were so kind and welcoming to me in the

same way that all of you guys were.

And I wasn't used to that because what was going on inside of me and inside of

here was brutal, that I couldn't get it together.

I was so angry at myself and I was so hurt and there were guard rails here.

To me, the guard rail was 90 90 every single day. Come and listen and see what we do.

Every day, come and listen to what happened, what it's like, what happened,

what it's like now. And every single story I was like, that's me, that's me.

I have books, I have tons of books of writing what down,

what people said. It was just like me writing down the wisdom I heard in these

rooms, bloom you. And my first year of sobriety,

without question is one of the greatest years of my life.

I look back on that year and it blows my mind,

the trajectory of how horrible my life was and how beautiful it became by me

kind of taking my hands off the wheel because I was driving us into a,

into a big ditch and I wasn't going to be able to get out of it. And, and I,

and I believe the grace of God was there. Like allow yourself to get,

it told me to allow myself to get the help.

And it was the kind of help that had never been available to me in large part

because of the insanity that was in my house.

I didn't have a lot of messages that people were there to help. And I eventually,

I got,

I got married to a really lovely man in our in the rooms and we had two very

cool kids and moved to the suburbs,

which surprised me and the suburbs had really lovely,

lovely recovery. And I started working in recovery, um,

which I had always been very resistant to and discovered that I loved it,

that I absolutely loved it. And I have been very fortunate to work with Scott and

Nathan to be in service to people who don't have a lot of resources who

desperately want help with mental health and addiction. And what's my time,

Scotty? Really? Oh boy, buckle up.

When I was working at one of these treatment centers there were,

and I want to be very mindful to honor the guard rails of Alcoholics Anonymous

that, that I'm not going off the reservation. Um,

so I just want to say that I'm so grateful to Bill and Bob for coming together

and creating something that is so extraordinary that I believe has to be

divinely inspired because there was not at that time the information available

to create what they created. And I will always be blown away by that.

So when I was working in treatment, either 2015 or 2016,

a book came out that was about neuroscience and trauma and specifically about

how trauma affects the brain and body and how that can lead to, to addiction.

One of the things,

I think one of the reasons I've always loved Alcoholics Anonymous is that my

curiosity is satisfied because people like Greg will say something.

I'm like, Oh yes, that's so exciting. And I relate to it.

And part of my sobriety has been how, how does this work?

How do we all show up when we have,

when there are people with similar backgrounds who don't show up here?

I'm really curious. How does the brain work that, that we're the,

I mean, I don't know, I believe we're the lucky ones, but I'm just,

I've always been curious about that.

So a book came out by a psychiatrist who specializes in neuroscience and he,

he addressed a great deal of research and did research studies himself,

about trauma using MRIs to look at people's brains.

And his opinion is everything changed when we could look at the brain and see

what's actually lighting up because he says, I'm not telling you my opinion.

I'm telling you what the brain is telling us with MRIs.

This book had a profound impact on me because it, when I read it,

I said, now I get it.

Now I understand how the conditions in my childhood home led to me being 13

getting an anesthesia and feeling better in my body. And why?

Because there's a neural pathway that I would want it again,

feeling a similar level of anxiety or distress.

This book helped me understand myself and it helped me understand addiction

better. I, um,

a colleague and I at that treatment center wrote a curriculum to be able to work

with people in our treatment center based on this man's work.

I tried to get into a workshop. He lives in Boston,

and I tried to get into a workshop with him for years and years and years.

I finally got in, uh, in 2019 for,

for a workshop happening in 2020 and I was able to meet him,

which was like meeting the greatest rock star to me ever.

And I brought the curriculum up to him, uh, in big Sur where this workshop was.

And he, uh, he read it and he said,

so I'm writing another book right now and I'd like to include your work.

In my book. And I, and I remember,

I remember actually thinking in that 60 seconds,

how grateful I was to Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, because I didn't see this coming.

I just wanted to meet this guy and spent five days training with him and he's

telling me he wants to put my work in his next book. And I just,

I thought Bill and Bob,

because I couldn't dream of asking for something like this and my hero is kind

of bringing me into the fold and I somehow kept us together and said it would

be my great honor. Yes, yes, yes.

So I have now been training with this man for the last four years and I spent,

I spent four days with him this past weekend at a big conference in Anaheim and

he, uh,

the fact that I can continue doing this is a testament to Alcoholics Anonymous.

One drink and all this is gone. And if I play my cards right,

I can help more people struggling with what we struggle with and to help

demystify this and to bring relief to more people who are suffering.

And for that I am metaphorically on my knees in deep gratitude with a profound

appreciation for what this program has allowed me to do.

And now how much time do I have left? 15? Good Lord.

You're so sweet.

One of the greatest things that I learned is to go to 26th and Broadway in Santa

Monica. There's a really lovely women's meeting there.

And a woman got up to the podium and she said, here's,

here's what I need everybody to understand. When we're in active addiction,

we get overwhelmed and we get flooded with everything that's happening.

But the truth is that feelings have a beginning and middle and an end.

If I'm angry, it has a beginning, middle and an end. If I'm sad,

if I'm happy and as alcoholics or addicts, when I get angry,

something in my brain says, okay, we need relief. Let's go get some relief.

I mean they're going to beat somebody up or I'm going to go to the drug dealers

house or I'm going to go to the liquor store, pick one.

And when I get triggered, activated in my first year of recovery,

what's generally happening is I'm in the middle of the feeling because the

middle is so foreign to me because I've always been anesthetized at the

beginning. I know what anger feels like with vodka sprinkled on top,

which would bring me down.

And then I'd really think I'm absolutely going to go to that person's house.

We're going to take care of this right now, or let me have a couple more.

And I won't care, but at least I'll be taking care of myself.

And the strange thing is,

is that then the brain and body never experiences the middle and the end of

anger because we did not let it organically express itself.

But in the first year of sobriety, I experienced the beginning, middle,

and end of anger, of sadness and excitement.

That information was a goldmine for me because it let

me kind of own our, our let go and let God,

like I can do that.

If I can breathe and address my nervous system and know that I'm going to feel

different in five minutes, I can call a sober sister. I can call my sponsor.

I can take a walk. I can drink a glass of water. I can open my grapevine.

There's all these beautiful safety net in Alcoholics Anonymous that save us a

minute at a time. There's so many,

there's so many things that we can do that doesn't include going to a dealer's

house or a liquor store, even though there's, there's neural pathways.

I've got, I've got decades of neural pathways that go to the liquor store,

go to the liquor store, go to the store.

And I'm really grateful I got sober before this two buck Chuck thing was

happening. You guys, I don't know if I would have made,

cause I'm cheap and I drank a lot of red wine. So I'm glad,

I'm really glad I was sober when the two buck Chuck came out. Like my friend,

Greg, I have nothing without Alcoholics Anonymous.

I do not have my children. I don't have my work.

I don't have my life without Alcoholics Anonymous. I've never,

I've never taken it for granted in large part because I get so much joy here.

It feels so good to be in these rooms.

I love going to see my sponsor and holding her hand and talking to her.

It's the bell. I feel so it's,

this is the tribe that I always longed for and I'm so grateful that we get to

hang out with each other and talk and share stories and do all that stuff.

This is such, it's so brutal before we get here.

I wouldn't wish I would not wish active alcoholism upon anyone.

It is so brutal and yet getting here is such a tsunami of grace that still takes

my breath away.

I just feel so fortunate and I feel so lucky and my active alcoholism doesn't

compare with the grace that I get to experience here and I think I'm going to

wrap up without you using your, these really cool lights.

I really love these lights. Time's up.

Again,

I want to thank you guys for being so welcoming and so kind and and I'm happy to

be here. Thank you so much for asking me to share.