From Blackouts to Broken Faith: Diane's Early Journey with Alcohol

Hi, I'm Diane. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for asking me, Nate. He's, uh, you know,

he's a good guy. He said, he said yes when I asked him to be a board member,

uh, for the IGR, you know, for central office. And, uh, yeah. So,

uh, so I said yes for this. Um, so thanks, Tom.

Um, I really enjoyed hearing you. Um, uh,

my Friday date is June 3rd, 1980. Um,

and it's been an amazing journey and what it was like, it's a blank storm.

I say that because, um, not just cause I was a blackout drinker,

but because I read the little,

the little bit that Nate wrote about how I'm supposed to not swear.

So I figured I was going to give myself one, one swear word and it's not,

I'm not going to waste it. So I'll do my best. Okay. Cause you know,

we claim progress, spiritual progress. So, um,

yeah, I, I, uh, I discovered when I started drinking that I got thirsty.

Same thing with, uh, with drugs. But, um, so I started young,

I mean not like three or anything, but a young teenager. And, um,

and it wasn't solution. It was perfect, perfect timing. Cause, um,

I'd gone from being a scared kid to being angry,

which is the normal human response. If you're scared long enough,

you're going to get angry and, um, people will pay. Um, so I thought,

that's the way I thought it was going to work. Anyway. Um,

I love that it gave me the power to push back.

I love that it gave me a power, you know, because anger is a,

it's an amazing shield. It just makes people back up. So,

um, you know, I stopped, uh, I'll tell you what,

I stopped being a girl scout and real quick and I stopped being in the church

choir and I stopped going to, no,

I didn't stop going to youth group because youth group is first place.

I thought people smoking pot and doing other crazy stuff.

I was a biscuit alien. So, um, yeah, so,

so I look for opportunities and there weren't very many when I was that young,

but, um, soon as I could get into a car with a boy, you know,

the whole world opened up and, um, and I found out that I have a talent,

I have a big capacity for alcohol and that was, so I feel, I just, you know,

I'm not so good at math. I thought, but man, this is, this is good. So,

um, so I could drink as much as the guy and, um, okay,

so that's great. And then, um, then I, uh,

I discovered that I'm a blackout drinker. I didn't know about blackout.

I just knew that sometimes, you know,

every month my pal Maureen would tell me what I did after like midnight and I

thought I just went to bed, but no, apparently not. And, and actually I didn't,

I didn't mind blackouts because there was a lot of stuff I didn't want to know

about. You know, I was, I was a traveler. Um,

so I started drinking in like 1967 inch and, um,

there was a, there was alcohol and there was a lot of and around. So I,

I did, I did all that. And, um,

so the only thing that bothered me at that point,

so I started blacking out when I was 16 was that, um,

I realized that I was still drinking and you know,

doing outside issues and I didn't, so I thought maybe that's not good.

Maybe that's not good. My best friend, Danny and I,

he was fresh out of San Quentin and so we just get so ripped and we walked down

that alley behind my little apartment, leaning on each other for support.

It was a beautiful. So like I said,

I was a hitchhiker and I traveled across the country. I, I, uh,

kind of broke up with my family. The family went and, and uh, let's see,

scorecard, one arrest, no convictions, one overdose, um,

because I'm the lab rat.

So I got in a car and guy gave me a ball and they gave me reds and they gave me

a, you know, and I just, I don't say, I don't, I just keep on,

I just keep on. And um, so, and, and, and one time, well,

okay, a couple of times in an institution,

but it was just a long weekend in juvenile hall. My mother had to be arrested for,

you know, selling pot to my sister, which I thought was punk. But you know,

I had a, I had a, let's, let's just put it this way. When I was a little kid,

I had a, um, I had a, an important relationship with God and, and I,

and I knew that I was safe and that, and that God was a bridge between me and,

and other people. I knew that. And then I started drinking.

I stopped having a role. I made a decision to no longer have, um,

a relationship with God. Um, adventures ensued, lots of adventures. Um,

I, uh, couldn't, I couldn't stay in one place. I couldn't earn a living. Uh,

I couldn't keep a friend, you know,

cause I was always borrowing people's boyfriends and husbands and well they

weren't, you know, like there I was because they were just laying around anyway.

Well, you know, okay. So, uh, yeah.

And I was also the kind of, I think because I couldn't keep a job,

I also couldn't pay rent and I didn't have a car because that's what my thumb

was for. And uh,

so that meant that sometimes people would let me sleep in their cars and

sometimes on their floor,

but sometimes they wouldn't let me inside their house and they were right not to,

because I go to the medicine cabinet, you know,

they let me come in and take shower. And so I was, you know,

a couple of kinds of ways scandalous. And uh, yeah. So I grew up high.

I grew up, that was, that was just about at my level of skill.

I was a high school graduate, but I, so I could grow up high.

I loved it because I could carry firearms,

always liked to play with dynamite guns and stuff like that. Um, so,

so I grew up hot for three years. That was my, that was a pretty solid career.

I didn't make any money, but you know, I never made any money doing anything illegal.

It's just, and then I did the other thing I did, um, you know, uh, uh,

marketing and uh, and uh, logistics that, so, um,

it was a highly popular powder and, um, but, but, um,

so I'm living in my head. I don't have any relationship with God.

I don't have reliable relationships with anybody. I'm hanging around dope dealers.

I'm living with a guy for years that I don't like and don't trust.

I knew from outset that I didn't like him, didn't trust him. I didn't,

I lived with him cause I didn't want to get involved emotionally. So, you know,

I'm like, I'm like backwards about the way I think, but all,

but I'm living in my own head. I'm my own God. That's why I broke up with God.

So, so it's an echo chamber. It's not good.

I just keep on getting crazier and crazier.

I can't let go of a resentment, real or imagined.

I can never catch up. Um, and, and I'm, and I, and I never let,

because I never let anything go. I'm dragging all these bones with me.

And so I'm having a,

I'm having a conversation with you that has nothing to do with you or now it's

with somebody that's, you know, 30 years ago, ago and dead or something. It's,

it's just crazy. So I'm always saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the

wrong time. And I'm talking about some wrong people. Um,

and by my early twenties I could no longer reliably get drunk and that was a

problem. All the other stuff that had happened, getting shot at, gun to my head,

that kind of stuff. That didn't bother me. That was just interesting.

But I couldn't reliably get drunk. And, um, and I just kept getting crazier.

Tom talked about it. I was hearing conversations and there was nobody there.

Um, my hands shook. Um, I, um, I mean,

I really the people that were around me were getting weirder and weirder and

might, that might've had some, might've been a reflection to me.

I'm just not sure, but I, I had never lived, I'm a native California,

but I never lived in LA. But, um,

I came here and I got a little waitress job and rented a room and made some

friends at the job site at Santa Anita racetrack. And, um, you know,

and I'm just attracting crazy ass people. Maybe that was the word, um,

the swear word. Anyway. Um, so, uh, this, uh, this coworker,

I told her I was lonely and she gave me her son's phone number and I called him

up and we dated for about a minute and then we got married.

So that solved my, uh, that's all my problem with housing. Okay.

I was good then. And, but, okay. So, so before I met this gentleman, Stuart,

um, I would have my breakfast in my car. I will go to the car,

I will go to the store, I go in and, um, you know, those,

those cans of like cocktails that have some fruit juice. That was my breakfast.

So, you know, and then, um, yeah,

so I married this poor fellow and well, we got along real well.

He was a terrible drug, terrible drug. So I moved in right away.

We got married the right way. And, uh, but, um,

so I would buy the bottles and I wasn't using any of the outside issues anymore.

We were just drinking, but like I said, I couldn't get drunk reliably.

So I just got mean.

So I buy the bottles and I'd hide my bottles and we drink our bottles and then I

think my bottle like that. And, um, his, uh,

his boss called us in to the conference room and his boss, um,

was like a father figure to him, said to Stuart,

you're going to rehab and so are you. So Stuart said, I mean,

he was dying of pancreatitis. I, I had, um, uh, an organ, uh,

system failure myself, but I, I thought, you know, he's worse. I'm always,

I always want to be with a guy that's worse than me. Okay.

And you know what I'm talking about, you know,

just like have somebody looked down on.

I used to hang out with heroin addicts when I was young. And you know,

that's easy to look down on them because they're passed out and I'm on acid and

drunk on rum. But, um, yeah, so, so Stuart went to rehab and, um,

and I followed him a couple of days later and hit sobriety.

It's two days more than me because I drank even though I couldn't get drunk,

even though like Tom also said, if I'd known those were my last drinks,

I wouldn't, I wouldn't come up with something better,

but so far they have been for over 44 years,

but they had the same results. I didn't get anything.

I didn't get anything that was dry inside. I was dry inside.

So I drove to that place and I didn't want to go inside because I didn't want to

give up drinking, even though it didn't work for me. And, um, by God's grace,

I heard how important alcohol was to me because I had conceded that it was an

addict, but I didn't want to, I didn't want to give up. I mean,

it was all I knew. It was the, it was, you know, for all those years,

that was the one reliable thing, even when it didn't work. So by God's grace,

I heard that and I went in and I, you know, turned myself in and I got,

and again, it was, it was eight years earlier. So,

so it was a cheaper, a cheaper deal than it was for Tom.

It was seven grand for the two of us. What a deal. And what we both got,

what I got was a book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the book, the 12 traditions,

12 steps in 12 traditions. And, um, uh, it was a care unit. So they,

they, uh, threw in a day at a time. And, um, that was my pack.

And I got a bed and I got a roommate and I was directed to the group that I was

going to sit in with. And so circle of chairs. And these people are talking.

And, um, and I remember those people. I remember those people who stay,

I remember, you know, how the one, the one, he, uh, it was not his first time.

And, um, he was young, not as young as me, but he was young. And, um, he, uh,

was through a very wealthy family and all he wanted to do was to die sober.

And I heard, I heard dose and I heard Steven who had been, um,

work in Santa Monica Boulevard because he was a teenager and he was about my

age. And he, um, he wasn't gay, but he did what he needed to do to get,

what he needed. And I understood that down to the ground. I understood that.

My roommate Patsy and, and, uh, identified with those people in that circle.

I thought, I thought I belong here.

There was a movie years ago about, you know,

first encounter with a alien life warmth. I thought, you know, I belong,

I belong to another planet. I know that that sounds arrogant and foolish,

but that's how I felt. I belonged there in that group.

Then I belonged at that care unit and I knew that that was a safe place.

And I believed I just, I didn't have any game left period. And,

um, so, you know, when a woman came in on an HNI panel,

hospitals and institutions panel,

and she said that she was sober for 13 years. And she said that she'd been told,

that you can ask God to remove the obsession to drink.

I believed her and he went back and I kneeled by my bed.

Then I had a conversation with God. I asked just those words.

I asked God to remove the obsession to drink. And I felt God's,

what I felt was infinite love and peace. That's what I felt.

The biggest thing I felt in my life to this day.

And I was very intense words are not adequate. And I thought after it passed,

I thought maybe it's going to be okay. And I hopped up and looked for Patsy.

And I looked for Stuart. I looked for something to tell about this.

And here's the deal. I haven't read the big book.

I didn't know anything about Bill Wilson's white light experience,

but I had the same kind of experience. Everybody does it.

I guess I just need it.

What I feel is that each of us have a heart,

a different language that we communicate with our higher power.

And that's just the way it should be. How does,

how does this higher power keep us all straight? I don't know,

but I am so grateful because that's what I needed.

And it took me a couple of years to figure out that the reason that I was given

that gift is that that's what I'm supposed to bring.

I'm supposed to bring love and peace. That's my job. I just needed to know.

I know what my job is now. I don't have to be afraid.

I didn't want to leave that place. Do I walk around the neighborhood?

Neither one of us wanted to leave because that was, that was the same place.

They had a drill. They said, you know, it was like a bootcamp. So,

you know, you get a sponsor and you do your fourth step before you leave.

And you do a fifth step, you know, right after that's what I remember.

And, um, I got a, I knew one woman that was not there.

It was an AA and she was that kind of crazy. And, uh, so I asked Kathy,

she sponsored me. She said, yes, I did a fourth step. I,

I started with the big one. Everybody's got a big one.

I started with the big one. That's the first thing I know about. And, and then,

you know, just, and the other resentments, I, I hit them all. I had resentments.

I have fears I had, you know, on people. That was a big one. And I got,

I call institutions and, and, and a principal too, that, that, okay,

it's fine that you've got to work for a living,

but I shouldn't have to work for a living. Okay. Um, so,

and then, you know, a little bit of that, please. Um, and, um, we just,

we met the day that I got out of the rehab at a meeting.

And so now I have another, and they put us on the van and asked us, you know,

where, if we wanted to go, they said, you're going to be in the van. So, you know,

so I, I met members of Alcoholics Anonymous in the first,

the first meeting I went to that was, um, you know,

off property was at Hoka hospital in, uh,

Newport beach orange County and this, so I walk in this woman,

setting up the cookies in the, in the, you know, business, whatever coffee.

And she turns around and she puts her hand out and she introduces herself to me.

And I was so touched because human being need to be seen.

She saw me, she introduced yourself to me.

The things that I learned when I was busy unlearning,

the things that I knew were so that were so it's ongoing.

The journey is ongoing. I keep learning. I keep changing.

I am an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I go to a lot of meetings.

I have a sponsor who's on hospice.

This is the fourth sponsor that I've had that will die 44 years.

So after this one, I'll get another one.

I sponsor a group of women and I so lucky to,

I am active in other parts of AA too. And I, and I go to hospitals,

I hospitals and institutions from the very beginning. Um,

I've been going to to hatchery prison since about 1998. It's immense prison.

I was there last Wednesday. Nope, that's a lie.

I was there last week on Wednesday. Not this last, never. Anyway,

I was, yeah, last week. Um, great meetings.

If you want to get clear for tattoo prison, I'm your girl. Let me know. Um,

my husband is also active in Alcoholics Anonymous. How much time do I got? Okay.

So, um, when I was a new,

I had the gift of having a husband on the way to know that first year we were

throwing a crystal at each other, not, you know, the drug that people give you.

When you get married, it didn't last long. Um, but, um, so I was seeing him,

I was seeing a man, you know, when you prompt, you know, look this,

when you don't look the same, you look like maybe your sisters or brothers,

you know, look the same. So I was seeing, I was seeing him change.

And so I knew what was happening with me. It wasn't a mirror.

It was better than that. It was, you know, it was okay.

Excellent. 10th step. Yes.

But there is so much that's packed away in here and I don't even

know what it is because, you know,

I listen when I come to meetings, I listen,

I do everything I can to stay in the meeting. I look at people's mouths.

If I have any, you know,

problem listening because I need to hear stuff because you know,

when I was relatively new, I thought, well, maybe I just had a light case.

I was around the clock drinker, but you know, I can lie to myself.

I have proven that I've proven that. But then I hear somebody say that, you know,

that he said he'd come to and he drank and he put his hand over his mouth and I

thought I did that. I did that. You know, if it's, if I had a little money,

it's between food and alcohol. Yeah, it's alcohol. And you know,

so I have to keep listening because it's not just about, as it says in the book,

it's not just about the alcohol. It's this whole,

this whole living on delusions and very little else. You know, this whole,

this whole painting, the picture, I mean, I don't, I was maybe,

maybe nine or 10 years sober when I thought, oh yeah,

those clothes in the closet, those are my clothes. And I, you know,

I kind of get over the idea that I'm waiting for my life to start again.

I had to get over the idea in early sobriety that I could raise the debt.

I'm talking some crazy stuff. I mean,

I realized at a certain point that I have obviously a very strong imagination

because back then I was drinking every day, et cetera. But if I knew I was gonna,

it was like I had a job and it was Thursday, I'd get excited.

Stop feeling better. Cause I knew I was going to get this stuff.

I really wanted to get the next day. So I realized that, you know,

I can turn that imagination on my husband. I can see him, you know,

with love more. I can, I can work on it. I can change.

I can literally change my mind. I can point my mind, my heart, my,

my ambition in a direction. It doesn't have to be, I don't have to like, you know,

do an orchard or anything. I don't, but, but I can,

I can point my heart in the direction of love that alone means that way.

So, um, we had kids when we were in that rehab, one of those counselors, uh,

we were in a room, maybe a couple less people than are in the room right now. Um,

and a counselor said, of all the people in this room,

two of you will stay sober for life. And I had a thought,

I hope Stuart's the other one. I never, I didn't, that wasn't for me.

I never thought that way. I always, you know,

so all I got to do is cooperate. All I got to do is,

all I got to do to save my life is cooperate with God as I understand God,

that I'll have to have the words. I don't have to have,

I don't have to have the path laid out.

All I got to do is pay attention much as I can on a daily basis to the great

that God brings me. Before this meeting started, I, I told,

I told Nate that I did something yesterday that I've never done before this. Um,

you know, I'm 71 now and you know, I love that I keep breaking the tape.

Let me point something out to you that might be true for you like it is for me.

The first one I know is true. I've never been this old before. Okay.

That means today I break the tape. I've never been sober this long before.

How about you? How about you? Okay. Okay. Isn't that exciting? Okay.

That means a lot every day we break the tape and it means something else too.

It means, you know,

when I was a kid and since I had a prolonged childhood, you know,

until I was 27 I thought that other people knew how to do things.

They knew the rules, they knew how to dress, they knew how to talk,

they knew how to not put their thumb in their own eye. You know,

they knew how to not pick the fight with the wrong person. Um,

turns out that's not the case.

It turns out that I know how to do something when I've done it. That's just,

that's just human. So I don't have to be scared anymore because God got me for me.

So, um, so I have a couple of jobs and one is, oh,

by the way, those books that I got when I got sober,

I had to replace a day at a time cause it fell apart cause it's been every place

with me. I read it in the morning like I did then.

I don't read it with a group of people usually anymore, but, but I read it.

And I read another book to another meditation book. I get up in the morning,

I roll out, I pray, you know, I got a usual drill. I, um,

I do prayer and meditation in the morning. Um, I go through my day,

I pray for people at the end of the day.

I do some more reading and um, 10 step, not every night,

sometimes every night recently, not every night, you know, written 10 step.

There's an app for that. And, uh, and I know, pray on me knees and um,

conk out. Um, so, so one of my jobs is, um,

working, um, at a PHP IOP place, uh,

rehab and I never just, I started doing this like couple, like not just,

just about three years ago. And my boss is a felon, state and federal,

and I love her. And, um, you know,

and I get to do the things that I've been doing all these years.

I get to drive people to meetings. I get to talk with them about step work.

I get to talk to them about longterm sobriety.

I know something about longterm sobriety and um, I know something about grace.

I know that I stand in great. I know that if we're sober right now,

I stand in great. I know that it's not, um, I'm so wonderful. It's not that,

it's not that.

I know something else from reading the big book and the 12 and 12 and from

personal experience from eyewitness, because I believe my lion eyes now,

I believe that this is a progressive disease. I've seen that.

I actually had the progression of the disease in my drinking,

but I've seen it. I've seen it with thousands of people.

You figure 16,200 and some odd days.

I've seen a lot of people at a lot of meetings. So I am more susceptible.

It is more incumbent on me to have to have a lively,

I mean like blood pumping through my, um,

my AA experience on a daily basis. So yesterday,

a staff member who I used to drive in the van when he was new,

and then he became a staff member and he didn't do the stuff.

He didn't do the deal. And yesterday he died of an overdose. And, um,

my boss and another person and I went and cleaned up his room.

And so I got to mop up bodily fluids from a person who didn't have to,

didn't have to die. That could be me when I was young.

I don't know whether I was stupid or just death wish or whatever,

but I did a lot of dangerous things and I should have died a bunch of times and

I didn't, but I don't want to go back to hell. I don't want to go back to hell.

This life is so rich and it keeps getting more interesting.

We have two adult children. They were born when we were like,

five years and eight years. So, so they're middle aged now.

One of them is married to a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and is a sober

member of Alcoholics Anonymous and looks like we're going to be grandparents,

which I'm really happy about. Okay. The other one, before I left the house,

I just went into his room. I do every couple of days and I threw away,

I grabbed a couple of empty gallon bottles of wine and a fifth of whatever,

whatever.

So I put it in the blue bin because usually what I do is take the bottles and

recycle them,

take them to the hole in the sky so the hole in the sky can get some money for

the booze bottles.

I belong to the largest organized religion on the planet and I love that.

I was at church earlier after I did my shift today, I went to church and then I

came here. I am a bit of a business woman most of my life.

I got flax. I got a flag from the Capitol, US Capitol.

I got all kinds of stuff. That's nice.

That means not as much as being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm so proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We get every day pump some love and some healing into this,

into this world. We don't care where you came from, what you smell like,

what you did. This is a place that doesn't judge me.

I'm the worst thing I've ever done. Thank you. Thank you so much.