Adam's Journey: From Denial to Sobriety

Hi, I'm Adam, I'm an alcoholic.

I want to thank Nate for asking me to share.

I appreciate it, and I want to thank Bill

for his excellent lead.

So my home group is Quality of Life.

My sobriety date is June 18th, 2022,

and it wasn't my first attempt at sobriety.

When I was younger, you know, I thought,

I had a pretty normal childhood and stuff,

but at the time, like AA has allowed me

to have a perspective and to look back

and to understand that,

because if you would have asked me when I was a kid,

if I had a normal childhood, I would have told you no.

You know, I would have always said,

no matter what I had, it could be better.

If only, you know, my parents were together,

or if we had more money or this or that, I would be happier.

I always felt like anything that I got wasn't enough,

and that it seemed like everybody else had it easier

than I did, and that nobody could understand me.

And, but when I look back, I mean,

I had a fairly normal childhood,

and as I would grow up, you know, I was happy,

but again, I would always think I could be happier,

and I would, like, I had hobbies, and I was active,

and I had friends and stuff like that,

but for some reason, when I would look at other people,

I felt like they had life kind of figured out

more than I did.

Like, it just seemed to come to them easy,

and I was always, I needed to be a class clown,

or I needed to have, you know, I just, I don't know,

I just felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what, right?

And so I remember the first time that I drank,

it was at, like, a house party,

and I told the kids there that I was with, my friends,

I was like, I want to feel like this every day,

all day for the rest of my life.

And some of them were like, you're crazy.

Like, what are you talking about?

That's insane.

And I thought, you know, well, you guys just don't get it.

And so, so then I started to surround myself with people

that thought that similar thought that I thought that like,

let's do this all the time, like any way we can get it.

And so immediately, the crowd that I started

to hang around with got, you know, lower morals,

we were always trying to, you know,

hustle or steal or this or that.

And then another thing that we all had in common was,

well, if drinking feels this good, I want to try everything.

I want to try everything at least once.

And, you know, when I was in high school,

it was the height of the opioid epidemic.

And so I went down a really, you know,

long and hard path at that.

But I just remember telling people like,

if I can stay drunk or loaded forever until I die,

I would consider my life a success.

I don't care if I die when I'm 25 or 24 or 30,

whenever it is, if I can do whatever I want

and stay loaded the whole time,

then that's all I want in life.

And my friends that I had grew up with

immediately cut me off and were like, you are insane.

Like, I don't want to be around you.

You're a thief.

I don't, I mean, you don't want to do anything.

So, and I was like, well, you're losers then.

I don't want to hang around you either.

So I continued doing that and I would go,

and I think the first time my family noticed I had a problem,

I was at my brother's high school graduation

and I was just like completely under the influence

and I was nodding out and I smelled and I just wasn't present

at all, it wasn't the person that they knew

and a lot of these family members that were there,

I didn't see all the time.

So they didn't see the slow progression into this.

They just were like, what happened, you know?

And then I was made to go to meetings.

That was the first time I'd gone to meetings

and I walked in and I immediately judged

every single person in the room.

If you were older than 20, then you couldn't relate to me.

You didn't know what it was like.

It was different when you were out there than it is now.

I don't have anything to gain from you.

And, you know, and it was smoky too.

It was a small room, it was real smoky

and I didn't smoke cigarettes at the time.

And I was like, I'm never gonna go to a place

where I have to talk about something

that I can't do anymore every single day.

Like, I'm not doing that.

And I was like, it doesn't even make sense.

I'm just gonna get, if I do wanna stop,

I'm gonna get physically clean from it

and then I'll be fine, but I don't wanna stop.

That's the thing.

I don't have a problem.

I just don't want to stop yet.

And so I would tell people, you know,

like, I don't have an issue right now, you know?

My issue is that I get caught or I'm unlucky.

Like, if anything, I don't have a problem.

And so I made it a habit of going to rehab

and to jail for the next like 10 years.

I would go at least, you know,

I would go to rehab at least like once a year

and jail, I was going all the time.

And it would always be short.

It would be for a little shoplifting stuff

or missing a court date or, you know,

not showing up to court for speeding tickets, little stuff.

It wasn't anything major.

I did get a major, you know, semi-major charge

and at that point I was like, oh, I'll go to rehab.

I'll go to rehab.

You know, the only reason I'm doing this is, you know,

because I have an issue of an addiction or, you know,

alcoholism and I'll go, you know?

And they were like, okay.

And so I went and as soon as I got out,

I was like, okay, well, that's done now.

I'm going back to doing whatever I wanna do, you know?

I just still didn't believe that I had a problem.

And what I didn't realize is like all of that stuff,

it wasn't like, it wasn't, I just,

I didn't really look at myself.

All I did was compare myself to other people.

And if I hadn't gone through what you had gone through yet,

I felt like it, then I'm doing all right.

And so I would just go to treatment to get the heat off

or, you know, it's hot in Vegas

and I was homeless for a while and I would go there

sometimes just 'cause I was tired of sleeping outside

or I would go there if I robbed the wrong person

and I didn't wanna be out.

And, you know, I was always getting beat up and stuff.

Like I was just a dirt bag all around

and I wasn't allowed to be at my mom's house.

I wasn't, my dad stopped talking to me

and all my family stopped talking to me.

And so when I would get really run it all the way

to the end, I would just go to rehab

and have like a 30 day vacation.

And I never really went in there

with the intentions of getting sober.

I would just go in there.

Like I said, just to have a vacation.

And the thing is, is it wasn't all for naught though

because I did see that the program worked

and it worked for people.

And I always remembered that like, you know,

when I do decide to stop, I'll go back to meetings

'cause obviously something works there.

I'm not sure if it'll work for me, but at least, you know,

I'll go there and I'll have somewhere to go, you know.

And when I would go to the meetings

that they would bring us to, I wasn't fully sold yet

that I, you know, I didn't do a step one or anything,

but what I would, I would listen to some people

and I was always looking for people

that had what I thought I wanted

'cause I didn't really know what I wanted.

But if I saw somebody that looked like they drove a nice car

or had money or had, you know,

whatever I thought I wanted at the time,

okay, I'll listen to them.

But the other guy that looks like a bum or whatever,

you know, I was like, he has nothing to offer me.

I'm not gonna listen to anything he has to say.

But meanwhile, that could be the most spiritual person

in the room, you know, and they could be

at the most at peace.

And I didn't care how much time anyone had or anything.

I didn't wanna talk to anybody, but I would listen

and try to get little bits here and there.

And usually I would just use it to manipulate my loved ones

and make them think that I went to a meeting

and I was getting better, but some of it stuck, you know.

And I eventually, I put down the hard drugs

and that was in 2019 around Christmas time.

And I just went right back to drinking.

I knew I had a lot of health complications.

I was in the hospital for almost two months

due to like infections and abscesses and things like that.

And they had told me, they were like,

if you continue to do what you're doing,

we're gonna have to amputate both your arms.

And it still didn't scare me, you know,

like I was like, okay, you know, whatever.

And I'd continued to do it for a few weeks after that.

And then one of my buddies, I ran into him

and he just like, I don't know,

like he just talked straight to me like, you know,

I'm here and I'm gonna do everything I can to get you sober.

He said, let's go do whatever you gotta do one last time.

And then, and that's it.

And he's like, I'm gonna take you to your mom's

and I'm gonna tell her, you know, I will stay with you.

I'll sleep in the same room as you.

If you go to the restroom, I'm gonna be standing outside.

He's like, I'm gonna be with you 24 hours a day.

And this guy, he really did it.

It was amazing.

It was, we were unemployed.

He had unemployment at the time

and I was able to get off the hard drugs that way.

But I knew I had a problem with that,

but I didn't think I had a problem in general.

I was like, okay, I'll stop that, but I'm gonna drink

and I'm gonna smoke weed and I'm gonna take pills.

As long as I don't use a needle or something, I'm good.

And I slowly started to get better physically.

And my family even thought like,

oh, he's not stealing anymore.

You know, he does drink way too much,

but he doesn't have to work right now.

Like I had conditioned them

to really lower their expectations of me

because before, if it wasn't bolted down, I was taking it.

And even if it was, I would unbolt it and take it.

Like it didn't matter, you know.

I had done so much harm to the ones that I loved

that they were just happy that I was even around.

And you know, I mean, a lot of them drank too.

So it was kind of more socially acceptable.

So I got a job and then I started doing pretty well

at the job and I bought a little car.

But when I truly hit my bottom,

I feel like I remember I was, so let me back up a little.

So I got this job and I'm drinking every day before work.

Like I was drinking like I didn't have to go to work still

because I can't stop.

And I would drink and I would go to work

and I would sell furniture

and I would have a bunch of Axe body spray and mouthwash.

And I was, you know, I was doing okay,

but some days I would drink a little bit too much

and I would get a little bit mouthy

and I blew up on my boss pretty bad

in front of a lot of people.

And he was about to fire me and I said,

I have a drinking problem.

I already know where to go.

I already called him.

I can go to rehab and you know, it's on insurance.

I'll be back in 30 days.

And I did that and so he gave me the chance to do that.

And I went to Vogue in Las Vegas.

And it was, you know, there was like 60 guys.

A lot of them were vets and it was a good program.

And I just was there though to keep my job.

I was like, I know I can't drink like I was,

but I still think I can drink.

And I definitely still think I can smoke weed, you know.

And I was in a relationship at the time

and we lived together.

And so I remember doing everything, making these promises.

I wrote a letter to her and everything.

And I was gonna do so good when I got out.

But I wasn't fully sold that I was an alcoholic yet.

And I wasn't willing to do anything

because I didn't think I needed to.

And so I got out and on my way home from the rehab,

I stopped and I bought weed and I smoked it.

And then I got home and I was so happy to be there.

I was happy to see her and I was happy to see the girls.

And then after that, I was like,

well, I'm not gonna go to meetings

'cause I'm gonna smoke weed.

So I'm not gonna go to meetings and say,

you know, I'm not sober or whatever.

And I don't think I really need to go to meetings.

'Cause the idea in my head of meetings

was the ones that from a long time ago

that I just didn't relate to anyone.

There was nothing there for me.

And I thought I could do it on my own, honestly.

So that was, I think I got out in October of 2021.

And so then I go back to work

and I'm trying to white knuckle it.

Even though I'm still smoking weed,

I just still wanna drink, you know.

And I'm sitting there

and I'm afraid pretty much to go anywhere.

I don't wanna do anything.

And my girlfriend said, you know, like,

you're just irritable.

You just wanna sit at home all the time.

You know, you don't wanna do anything.

I wanna go do stuff, you know.

And I'm like, I don't wanna do anything, you know.

I just don't, I'm not happy.

I don't wanna do anything.

So she wanted to go out for New Year's.

I said I didn't want to.

So instead we had a party at our house

and she said, you know, you can drink tonight.

And I was like, oh yes, all right, I'll drink tonight.

You know, I'll just drink the one night.

And I did, and I drank a lot.

And everything in me had no intentions

of drinking the next day.

But when I woke up, I was dry heaving

just like I was before.

It was exactly how everything was before.

And I couldn't help it.

I just went to the liquor store and I got a bottle

and I was back and I started drinking again.

And then from there it was just a lot of,

you know, it was just a wild,

I'm a hard person to be with when I'm drinking.

And I was argumentative.

I was very just cruel and mean and judgmental.

And I was like that to everybody.

And so I ended up going back to my mom's house

and I remember that my bottom, I was sitting in my car

and it was the middle of summer.

My mom wouldn't let me smoke or drink or anything

in the garage anymore.

So I'm just sitting in my car parked out front of her house.

None of my friends wanna hang out with me.

Nobody answers my call and I'm just crying in the car

and I'm thinking like, this is what my life's gonna be.

Like, I can't imagine living like this anymore.

I can't imagine not drinking.

I don't know what to do.

And I blew up on my boss again, the same boss, same job.

And I said, you know, and then he calls me into work.

He's like, I don't know what to do, man.

I don't wanna fire you.

You're great.

You're a great guy.

I could tell you're a great guy, but I don't know what to do.

And I said, let me go back to treatment one more time.

Just give me a final chance, you know?

And he said, okay.

And so I called the Vogue to go back

and they're like, you were just here.

We can't take you back,

but you can go to our sister facility in California.

So that's how I ended up at the Vogue in California.

And I'm there, still no intentions of quitting weed,

but I wanted to, I was desperate.

I had the gift of desperation.

And so I said, you know, let me do everything I can.

I had a bunch of weed in the glove box of my car.

And I remember it was like two weeks in,

I called my mom and I told her, I said,

hey mom, there's a bunch of weed in my car.

I'm gonna try to stay sober a hundred percent.

And I want you to call my friend

and have him just come pick it up

and tell him he can give me whatever

he thinks is fair for it.

And then I owed the guy a bunch of money too.

And so he reminded me of that and said,

I'm just taking the weed, man.

And so anyways, so I did that though,

but it was like a big step for me to actually do that.

'Cause I could have easily just gone home

and had it there as a backup.

It was my original plan, you know?

And so I started to take it seriously.

And I started to notice the people in the rooms

and the stuff that they were saying

and anything that they had been going through

and stuff like that.

And the way that they operated,

I didn't want money anymore or a house or a car.

None of that stuff was important to me anymore.

What I wanted was peace.

Because I felt like for the last 15 years,

I had been just constantly running and running

and running and going and I had to lie

and cover up the lies and remember the lies

and do this and lose money and try to make money

and all that, it was just constant.

It was constant.

Then I was running in circles, never getting anywhere.

And I didn't wanna do that anymore.

I wanted a relationship with my family again.

And so I asked, you know, I asked Scott,

he was a tech at the house at Vogue.

I asked him, you know, like, what do I do, you know?

And he said, you know, if you want what we have,

you gotta do what we do.

And then I was at a Monday night quality of life book study

and I raised my hand after one of the readings

and I said, like, I'm going home.

I don't wanna talk about being sober at work

because I had lied to them before

about how many days I had and all this stuff.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want them to throw a party when I get back

and all this other stuff.

And Greg said, we don't share personal stories

at this meeting.

We'll talk to you after the meeting.

And then I talked to Greg after the meeting

and he said, do you have a sponsor yet?

And I said, no, I don't have a sponsor.

I live in Las Vegas.

And he's like, there's a guy that lives in Las Vegas.

He works a good program.

I'll, you'll get his number.

I'll get you his number

and you'll ask him to be your sponsor.

And then, so they gave me some dude named Sean's number

and I'm texting him and it wasn't this Sean.

And the dude goes, I don't go to those meetings anymore

but good luck, bro.

And then I got the right number.

And so I met with Sean.

Like, so I was on fire for the program right there

because I was so desperate and I was feeling so good.

Like I, a lot of feelings had come back for me.

I had been numbing myself for so long.

Like just so I didn't have to feel guilt

or shame or anything anymore.

But I also wasn't feeling happy.

I wasn't feeling like grateful.

I wasn't feeling anything else.

And all of those feelings were coming back for me

while I was in Vogue and I was having a great time

and I didn't want it to end.

So I immediately, I had a roommate that was in Vegas

when I was in Vogue.

And we met at a meeting right when I landed.

An hour after I got back, I was in a meeting with him.

Then right after that meeting, I went to another meeting

and that's where I met Sean.

I still didn't want him to ask him to be my sponsor.

I don't know, you know, I don't know.

I just, it's hard for me to do that.

So Sean was like, "I'll sponsor you if you want me to."

And I was like, "All right, that'd be cool."

You know?

And so he said, "Are you willing to go to any length

"to stay sober?"

And I said, "Yeah, yeah, I am."

You know, I didn't know what that meant.

And then he's like, "All right, call me tomorrow."

And then he texts me this big old list and I'm at work

and I'm like, "Look at this list of what I have to do."

I'm showing my coworkers and they're like,

"What, no relationships for a year?

"What if you find the person you love?"

And like, they're like saying all this stuff

and they're like, "That's a lot of stuff."

And I was like, "I know."

I was like, "But you know, I'm gonna do it."

And I remember like, I didn't wanna ever get a sponsor

before because I had let myself down so many times

that I didn't wanna let someone else down.

And especially I didn't wanna let someone else down

that was trying to get sober.

So like, I didn't want them to waste their time

or me possibly throw them off by them trying to help me

if I fully didn't have confidence in myself.

So it was a big, like I never did that before.

I never asked for a sponsor.

And so I'm grateful that Sean asked me

because it's like the key to my sobriety

because I grew up under the influence.

I have no, I had no idea how to be a good son

or be a good partner or be a good employee.

Like I was always looking for the easy way out.

I was always looking for the loophole or anything

and that's how I operated.

And I operated like that

because I thought everybody operated like that.

I was not gonna let any advantage go

without me taking advantage of it.

But Sean, he taught me all the traditions

that quality of life does,

all the stuff that the group does.

I'm super grateful for it

because that's what made me who I am today.

And a lot of it, when I'm doing this stuff,

I remember thinking like, I don't see the point in this.

I don't understand why I'm doing this,

all this extra stuff, all the groups I'm going to,

these people aren't doing it.

But I remember when I was in treatment,

somebody, I think it was Scott again.

He said, you don't ask why if you're on fire

and someone hands you a bucket of water

and tells you to pour it over your head.

You don't ask why, you just do it, right?

And so I was like, okay, I'm just gonna do it.

What's the worst that can happen anyway?

So I'm doing all this stuff

and I could see the positive results.

And there's even times I'd call Sean and I'd say,

like, dude, I'm getting screwed over in this deal.

Like I'm at work, like I'm being honest

and these other people aren't being honest

and it's at my detriment

and I'm like really upset about it.

And Sean's like, well, what meeting have you gone to today?

Maybe you should go to a meeting today, you know?

And I'm like, what are you talking?

Can you not hear me, you know, like a meeting dude, you know?

And then it helped though because, I mean,

and then it helped, it helped, you know?

But then perspective, AA has given me perspective

because then like I remember thinking,

okay, I'm doing way better.

I have a bunch of money saved.

Like I wanna move out and I feel like my relatives

are making fun of me for still living at my mom's

even though they probably weren't, you know,

they were just asking.

And, you know, he's like, be grateful.

Be grateful that you're even allowed to be at your mom's.

You were trespassed from your mom's.

Like now you're allowed to be there.

She's letting you live in your house, right?

And then it was like I was really relearning

how to be a good person and how to be, you know,

like I was learning about myself.

I was learning like how to identify my weaknesses

and I was able to turn them into strengths

and I was able to help other people

and you never know when you're gonna need it

because for me, like I gotta live at my mom's for a year

and make a living amends to her

because she was the one that I hurt the most.

Everybody else stopped talking to me.

I used to have a huge resentment against my dad

because he stopped answering my phone calls.

But the last time I talked to my dad, he had said to me,

you only call me when you need money

and you never call me as a son.

You always call me as a problem.

So if I come meet you and I give you this money,

I do not wanna talk to you ever again.

And I said, that's fine, just give me the money.

And I took the money and I held a resentment against him

and it took AA for me to learn that my spot in that,

you know, like I thought he let me down.

I can only imagine when I put myself in his shoes

how he must've felt, you know?

And so I was able to make this living amends to my mom

and show up for her and show up for my brother

and then in March of this year,

my older brother passed away.

And it was like everything that I had been doing

in the program, it just kicked in right away,

second nature without me even thinking about it.

The first thing I did was I called my mom

and then the second thing I did was I called Sean

and he told me to be of service to my mom.

I drove right over there.

I was able to be of service to my mom

and to my younger brother and to my older brother's dad.

We had different dads.

I was able to be of service to him

and I am so grateful that I was able to make amends

to my brother and my mom because if I had moved out,

I wouldn't have gone up there and visited a lot

or done, you know, whatever.

I was able to be there and me and him built

a really good relationship in that year that I was there.

And he used to know me as the thief.

I would steal his change jar.

I would steal his old video games.

I would pawn all his shit and he would hate it

when I would come to the house.

He hated it.

He would lock his stuff up.

And I was able to rebuild that relationship with him

and I didn't see at the time why I needed to be there

but I'm so grateful that I did.

And a lot of AA has been like that for me, you know.

Showing up early, doing the right thing, you know.

And then even in my work, like I had a boss

that was an alcoholic who had tried to get sober and couldn't

and he was an alcoholic.

And I almost, I wanted to quit.

Like I was so tired of this guy.

He was just doing all kinds of stuff that I felt.

I took it very personal and I despised working for this guy.

And Sean would tell me, just pray for him, you know.

Just pray for him.

Just remember he is sick and so when I thought of that,

you know, I did pray for him and I had patience

and I had tolerance and I was able to continue

to do my job and you know, he actually pulled me aside

one day and told me, you know, all his whole history

of drinking and his family's history of drinking.

And I was able to tell him like, hey, if you ever need

to go or you ever want to go to a meeting or anything,

I'm always open, you can always call me for that.

And I'm glad I was able to do that.

He didn't call me but you know, I still pray

for him sometimes but I'm just glad that I stayed sober

over it and I didn't do anything irrational

and quit my job, you know.

But all of that is a result of AA and today my life is,

you know, beyond what I ever thought it could be.

I have all these things that I didn't think I wanted.

I was able to make amends, you know, with the girl

that I was with and now we're engaged.

It's Marissa, she's on the thing and she has a,

she's sober and she has a program and it's a beautiful,

we have a beautiful house together that's sober

and you know, the only reason I made amends to her

is because I was being of service to the roundup,

our convention committee and I even said to Shawn like,

I don't know why I have to be down here the whole weekend,

it's Thanksgiving weekend, you know, and like,

and then when I'm up there in the front welcoming people in,

there she is, she walks right in, it was a perfect time.

I made amends to her, it was great and I'm super grateful

for the life that I have and you know, I go to meetings

and I never know what I'm gonna hear

but I do keep an open mind because I always seem

to get something from it and a lot of the meetings

I've gone to lately have been guys talking about

having 12 years and going out, 14 years and going out

or a year and going out and it's always similar

like they think they got it, life got really good,

they stopped going to meetings,

they stopped being of service and so that to me

is stuff I need to hear because sometimes I feel like

I start to think that I'm the one doing this,

I'm the one keeping me sober,

I'm the one putting in the work when really it's God,

it's quality of life, it's AA, it's everybody around me

that is helping me, they're the ones doing it,

I'm just here, you know, I'm so grateful for all that

and now I go to, you know, all my meetings here,

I have a sponsee which is new, which I, you know,

another thing I wasn't sure I was ready to do

but I've been going to the Salvation Army Treatment Center

out here every week for the past few months now

and those guys, we work, you know, we work with those guys

that are, it's like the end of the road for them,

it's a free rehab, a lot of them have,

it's like the last house on the block

and it's a beautiful thing and they are there

for six months so I see them every week

and I'm just doing what you guys taught me.

I told him too, I was like none of this

is my own original idea, just so you know.

All I'm doing is telling you what I did

and whether or not you do it is completely up to you

but that's exactly what I do now to stay sober

and that's what my sponsor did

and that's what his sponsor did

and so I'm here and I'm here to help any way I can

and I do feel good and it does keep me sober

so no matter what becomes of my sponsee,

I just am grateful that I'm able to be of service

and I'm able to stay sober, you know,

and I got, I don't know, I just,

I'm really happy that I am able to reflect on the past

'cause for the longest time I didn't wanna think about it

and I was super guilty because of it, you know,

I just felt terrible but I feel like the things

that happened to me and the things that I did

made me who I am today and it brought me to this point

in my life that I never would have been without

and before I thought being an alcoholic was a curse

and now I look at it as a blessing.

I never understood when people said

they were grateful alcoholics

but I would never have looked at myself

and worked on myself and made an effort

to be a better person if it wasn't for the fact

that I was an alcoholic and went to Alcoholics Anonymous

and all of that is because of you guys

and so I don't know, I think that's it.

I'm grateful, you know, for you letting me share.

I wanna thank my sponsor, my higher power,

quality of life and AA as a whole.