From Teenage Turmoil to Sobriety: Maggie's Journey

Good evening my name is Maggie and I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Nate for asking me to come out and

participate in my sobriety. It's always an honor for this to come out and share my experience

strength and hope and I want to thank John for his lead. Thank you so much and welcome to the

newcomers. If there's anything that you can take away from here tonight is that I sat in those

very same seats and I was new at one time and I never thought or imagined I even ever wanted the

life I have today. You know as a newcomer like I didn't even picture the life I have today.

All I know is that I couldn't keep living the way I was living. A little bit about me is my sobriety

date is August 26, 2011. My sponsor's name is Sally M and my home group is the roommate teachable

meeting in Tarzana and I sponsor women and I work these steps on a daily basis. I want to thank my

sponsors also for being here tonight you know coming out and being supportive and you know when

I got here to AA I didn't know nothing about life. I didn't even know how to feel. I didn't even know

what feelings were because I've had enough of them at such a very young age with alcohol and drugs

that I didn't even know how to put names to my feelings. I started drinking at the age of 14

and you know my very first drink was a cisco and a night train and a thunderbird all mixed together

because we collected our change. All of us collected our change and we went outside of the

liquor store and we asked some paisas to buy us alcohol you know and we were in middle school we

had no business doing that. My parents had no idea that I would steal their change and be out there

begging for people to buy me alcohol but we did and I remember the very first time that I drank

we went and bought this stuff in the liquor store and we went to the liquor store and we bought we

got all those drinks and we went to this this house and we drank these drinks and I passed out

and I remember being a kid I was always so full of fear like I was always afraid like of going home

because my dad was always I never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in and he was very

abusive so I remember passing out and waking up and it was 8 pm and I was supposed to be home from

school at 2 30 pm and I was not home I was passed out and when I woke up I didn't care and I was

like oh my goodness I want to feel like this all the time I didn't care about getting in trouble

when I went home I got home my dad pulled up the belt he whipped me I didn't care I wanted to do

this every day I wanted to feel like this every day I did not want to be afraid of my dad anymore

and like this is the way I wanted to live so the very next day I did the same thing I just

proceeded to ditch school and do the same thing go get some you know go get some alcohol from

the place at the liquor store and it just became like a routine thing when I was 15 my mother passed

away um she she was suffering from cancer and um and I didn't even know how to grieve my mother

I just I just knew that I didn't want to feel the way that I was feeling and I loved my mother she

was like the most kindest loving person in the whole entire world and she did everything for me

and um and she did everything for everybody else like I always just saw my mom she was just so

compassionate and caring and loving and my dad was the complete opposite and I began to like

get resentful towards God because I couldn't understand why he took my mom and not my dad

I questioned God's motives for me and I kind of turned my back on God at that time and um

I continued to drink I ran away from home I never went back home so I basically was living uh doing

whatever I wanted to do since the age of 15 on the streets running a mug staying in friends garages

in their cars without their parents knowing um a friend of mine took me in I watched her kid I

babysat for you know for free while she let me stay at her house and you know I just kind of

basically at 15 um did whatever I wanted to do and drink however I wanted to drink and she was 21

and I was 15 so she can get me alcohol and as long as I can be up to watch her kids the next day she

didn't care what I did either so I partied like a rock star and uh and when I was 16 I got pregnant

and my first kid at 17 and um you know you would think like oh well maybe she'll stop drinking you

know she just had a baby or whatever no I was always trying to find a babysitter so I can drink

like I wanted to and um you know just like that's just how it was it was never like nothing was ever

a priority to me and I didn't know how to be responsible I didn't know how to live life on

life's terms you know um I just wanted to feel I just didn't want to feel fear I didn't want to

feel pain so I continued to drink and um that's what I did most of um my teenage years and then

when I was um when I was about 20 I did a geographic because I had picked up other substances

and I was like you know what everything will be okay if I just stop doing that substance so I

moved to San Diego to get away from the substance and um but I still was going to drink because

drinking was not my problem and I moved to San Diego and I found another substance and um and

I was had another baby when I was 21 and this is the first sign that I ever got that like there's

possibly something wrong with me because um at six months pregnant I started um using meth

um was working at a night I was working a night shift job and I used the meth to stay awake at

night and um you know all the nurses were doing it but you know and um so I was you know I went

to school I was doing good but then I picked this up and here I am you know using meth at six months

pregnant well I was still going to the doctor and doing everything that I was supposed to be doing

and I guess when you go to the doctor they test you for drugs and I didn't know so when I had my

baby the doctor told me that I was not taking my baby home because I was an addict and I said how

dare you like what is wrong with you why would you say that to me I was so angry at the doctors

are telling me that you know because I had no idea what my world was going to become you know and so

they went to my house they took my four-year-old daughter and they took my newborn baby and you

know they would put them into a foster care and you would think right so I went into a program

uh outpatient program and I I really wanted to get my kids back like I love my kids and I wanted

to get my kids back but I I couldn't let go of the I couldn't let go I couldn't let go of the

drinking I couldn't let go of the drugs and I was so far into what I was doing that like I didn't

even realize that I was still trying to blame everybody else it's the social workers it's this

it's that and I'm never looking at Maggie and what's wrong with Maggie so um eventually my kids

got adopted out um I never got custody of them again and I was like really depressed and just

like I couldn't understand like I love my kids so much like why couldn't I get them back like

what's wrong with me something's wrong with me and I remember just feeling so depressed and just like

you know not wanting to feel pain and just continuing to do what I do and the way I cope

was drinking and using so I you know I didn't know the geographic I moved from San Diego back to the

valley because I figured maybe dad will fix me um moved back to the valley started working got a job

started doing okay um met a man got married had kids um he partied just like I did eventually

you know it became very violent that relationship and um you know I used to be like I used to think

that he was the reason for a lot of things you know I was looking for people to blame

and uh eventually that relationship got so abusive that I had to leave and I took my kids and and you

know I didn't I didn't in the geographic and you know just never looking at Maggie always looking

at you know at what everybody else is doing never looking at what Maggie's doing and um I took my

kids and eventually eventually that caught up with me too and and and my house was raided by the SWAT

team and my my kids my three kids were about to get taken away from me again um and I called my ex-husband

I told my ex-husband you need to come pick up these kids because if you don't pick them up social

services is going to pick them up and it's going to be your fault and I remember him being so like

how is this going to be my fault and I'm like just come get them so he came and got the kids

and they ended up not going to foster care because he came and picked up the kids and then um but I

still was out there running the muck I I couldn't get sober and um and I I just I wanted to be with

my kids so bad I missed my kids I used to like I used to try to force him to let me see my kids

and he was like no I'm not letting you see your kids like this like girl how best like get your

stuff together and I'll let you see your kids and I remember you know being drunk jumping the

water with his house knocking on the door begging him to let me see my kids but never trying to see

what Maggie can do to get better so she can see her kids you know and eventually in 2011 I got

pregnant again and this is 10 years after I lost my first children um because they did my first kids

and um I got pregnant again and I'm using meth and I'm drinking alcohol my entire pregnancy

again and um I didn't have any of my kids living with me and I got to a point where I was just like

this is like not okay I I have to do something about it and I remember going into labor and my

sister I my sister wanted me to have the baby at the house because she knew if I went to the

hospital they were going to take my baby and um I said I give up I'm going to the hospital and I'm

going to tell the truth I went to the hospital I told them I've been getting high I've been getting

run by a child pregnancy you know um so they took my baby they had an emergency c-section the baby

was fine but the social services took custody of my baby and he ended up going my friend ended up

taking him like into her foster care so he wasn't far and he was with somebody that I knew and um

you know I remember her telling her dude can you can you take my baby but I just took him for me

and she said you're so stupid and I'm like I am but I remember that thought like that day when I

went into labor I just was like god help me I remember just saying that like god help me like

I didn't know what else to do and um after I got out of during the I was in the hospital I was

calling different treatment centers and like a little bit after I got out of the hospital um

I just started calling all the hospitals all the places that like I was trying to get into

and I had been to treatment before because I had depression and I needed to get rid of my depression

like I never really wanted to get sober I just you know I had other issues going on and this time I

was like I need to get sober I need to stop doing this to my kids I didn't think like I need to stop

doing this to Maggie I was like I need to stop doing this to my kids right and um so I went into

Tarzano treatment center they called me and they told me that they had a bed for I called them and

they're like we have a bed for you come in tomorrow and I remember telling them tomorrow's Friday can I

come in Monday because I wanted a party for the rest of the weekend but they're like if you don't

come tomorrow you'll come back so I went to treatment and um you know I started doing

everything I was you know I had I told myself this time when I go into rehab I'm gonna follow

the rules I'm not gonna take a phone with me I'm not gonna get in a relationship because all those

things I've done already before rehab so I I decided this time I'm gonna follow the rules

except for about 45 days into my um treatment I decided that I had a court date and they cancelled

it and so I was like you know what I'm just gonna go get one four local and I'm gonna drink it and

by the time I come back there's no they're not even gonna notice I'm gonna have this four local

and I'll be good and I took some girl with me because I knew her from the street so I told her

you're gonna be my support so here I am planning manipulating like an alcoholic does and um I

plotted and I manipulated and she was my support and she came with me and I told her let me go

collect some money because people owe me money so I took her to the dope spot to collect my money

and um and yeah it was all bad but I had a four local and then I had two four locals and then

I had three four locals and then you know and then yeah it was just all bad and she was getting high

and I was getting high and then um came the time to go home at 5 pm I told her you better not say

nothing you better you know she will talk to you down I was like like trying to calm her down and

I was telling her she I was threatening her that she better not snitch on me and we get to the

treatment center and when I get there they ask me if there's anything that I have to tell them

and I said I got hired I'm not drunk and so did she and I was like who said that let me tell you

that I would never tell the truth never I there was no truth that ever came out of me and that day

when that came out of my mouth I know I had to be glad because I I literally have been in treatment

before like I said and they would ask me to pee in a cup and I would drop my pee in the toilet and

be like oops I dropped it oops I can't pee and I would leave because I was not gonna give them a

dirty but that day I was like tell the truth Maggie so I told the truth she was sitting outside the

door I started crying they're like okay it's okay just go wait outside and then when when I open the

door I'm like tell them everything she was like everything I was like yeah everything so they

grounded me they didn't kick me out thank god um but the next day they asked me why they shouldn't

kick me out and I said because I don't want to die and another time that god spoke to me he said

those words that came out of my mouth I don't want to die because I always wanted to die

um that's how I always felt like I always like since I was 15 like I just didn't want to be here

and um so when I said that I know that was god talking talking for me and they're like okay go

to your room we're gonna figure out we're gonna do so they grounded me and then I was brought to

a meeting at quality of life and uh you know just began my journey in sobriety I met a woman here

I actually sponsored me she told me what I needed to do um I was at that treatment center they picked

up women um multiple days of the week and um I made sure that I was in the car every single time

they came to pick up women and one time I tried not to come but my sponsor told them like no go

get her like she's coming but like I remember just being so eager to stay sober I didn't have

any other way there was nothing else for me to do nowhere else for me to go nothing nothing left for

me to try just doing it your guys's way the way AA does it and um and little by little my life

started to change you know I remember thinking to myself when I was newly sober I'm gonna get my

kids I'm gonna go you know I'm gonna go here I gotta go do this and like no no you don't you

need to wait you need to do your steps you need to stay sober you need to finish treatment you

know a little by little um so I just followed whatever you whatever you guys told me to do I

did it I started to work the steps my life started to change and um you know by little like I went

to court for my kids got joint custody my other kids I hadn't seen them but um you know I had

started calling the adoption agencies to see if like there was any I could communicate with them

in any way and um at that time they had told me that they did not want communication with me

and I was okay with that and I still have the letter that they wrote to me where they said

that they couldn't they didn't want to communicate with me and I wrote on that letter I put on God's

time not mine and I put the letter away and I still have it it's in my blocks without my

birthday cards from people into writing um but I remember just feeling like so helpless like okay

I don't know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna just turn to these people who are helping me

and that's what I did I did whatever was asked of me I did it I didn't fight I didn't kick I didn't

like try to do things my way I did it whatever way you guys asked me to do it and um you know um

doing a four step with when I finally looked at Maggie and all the finger pointing pointed back

to me that was probably the best thing I could have done because you know um that's when I

realized that I wasn't doing it for my kids I was doing it for me um you know because I needed to

change me my kids were fine they needed to change them my ex-husband didn't need to change himself

the social worker didn't need to change the system didn't even change um I needed to change and um

and it was such a blessing and such a gift to be able to look at Maggie and see all the things

see how selfish I had been and so and how like self-centered I was um and what a manipulator I

was and what a liar I was it sounds weird that I'm saying that it was a good thing but it was the

best thing that could have happened to me because I started to be aware of my behaviors I started to

be vigilant like when I wanted to lie or when I wanted to manipulate or I wanted to like not go

somewhere when I knew I should be there you know I started to see those patterns or these behaviors

and I started to do the opposite you know um and that's what the steps helped me like realize that

um there was a lot of things I needed to change in Maggie and so I did the steps I'm working the

steps I'm working with the sponsor um you know and my life started to change immensely little by little

I got my kids back in my life I'm in a man in sobriety we had a beautiful relationship um he

taught me a lot of things about life he taught me about how to build my credit and you know how to

take care of my household and um how to be a good mother like he taught me a lot of things that I

did not you know like just the other day we had no power it's so weird we had no power in our house

because they shut off our power and I had a generator in the garage I would have never ever

thought myself a generator and but I did because he taught me those kind of things he taught me how

to like be sustainable and help myself like I couldn't have done those things and you know

and we had a baby and you know my other kids moved in with me and I had full custody of my kids

I poured my kids and you know what we had a beautiful life and in um and 2018 he passed away he had a

surgery and it was not successful and um you know I had to go to grief sober and um and I experienced

that not alone I literally had a room full of people there people here people who are in this

room right now um there with me you know I needed to move out of my house because I couldn't afford

that house I had to move into an apartment and all these people showed up at my house

and they picked up my house and they moved me in two hours and um put my bed together put my fridge

together like literally did for me what I could not do for myself at the time um you know I never

have to do anything alone and you know a little bit before he passed away in 2017 um I got a phone

call from my friend and she told me that she had my daughter calling her and I said what daughter

and she said so once I got adopted out I hadn't seen them in 14 years she said they want your

number is it okay like give it to them and I said yes give it to them and I like I couldn't wait and

then she called me accidentally then I called her back she was like I was like it's okay if you're

not ready to talk to me but then we video chatted and all of us like my whole entire family were just

so grateful and so blessed that these young girls were back in my life my that was my at that time

she was 18 no she was 20 and my younger one was she was 21 and my younger one was 17 and my 17

year old wasn't ready to talk to me but she was willing to say hello she was willing to meet me

so I went and I met them for the very first time I had a granddaughter that was eight months old

she's eight now but um those girls call me mom today I never imagined that those girls would

come back into my life and even if they did I wouldn't imagine I had a relationship I have

with them today you know but you guys taught me how to suit up and show up they taught me how to

look at Maggie so that Maggie's not making the same mistakes she was making back then and um I

started to be accountable and unselfish and giving and loving and like understanding and listening

instead of you know giving instead of taking you know and I gave my kids that space and I told them

like if there's anything that they needed to know I would be honest with them and I and I was honest

with them and um you know I have now I have four grandchildren they all call me Gigi and you know

what it has been like one of the biggest gifts in my life um you know I have four teenagers at home

when they got here were like four five and six and they are 19 they are 17 18 and 19 right now

my house smells like weed sometimes and they try to tell me that it might be a skunk outside

you know we have spent consuming and I said to my son baby I caught him slipping because I said

you know if you want to go to the military um are you going to be able to stop smoking weed because

that's going to be an issue if you need help just let me know because I can call my you know

I can call somebody for you and he's like no I think I can stop him like oh okay but like you

know I mean I'm not dumb um but they're actually not bad kids they're not bad kids um I was so

diverse right I was living on my own when I was 15 so the fact that my daughter didn't get pregnant

before 18 I'm like she's a good kid the fact that they're not jumping out the window anymore

they're a good kid um but you know they're they're actually just my son he works for a security

company it's just I have the gift of watching them grow up that I wouldn't have had that if I

continue to drink in news you know I get to be their mom I get to tell them like I get to teach

them and show them and be compassionate and loving it I have a sponsor that she always teaches me I

want to like ring their necks but she tells me to talk to them about love and compassion and it's

been kind of hard to be honest because my kids told me oh that I they have an issue with me

because they said I'm always young but uh so I've been trying to be loving and compassionate

I don't know man I think you know weed is probably helping me but I'm sorry I'm trying um you know I

have I have a good life today you know I have a career I didn't before I get into AA I didn't

even have a job for seven years I was looking at my social security statement I have seven years

missing no job I don't know how I was surviving or living with no job on my own in the streets

well I kind of know how but you know um exactly it's crazy it's crazy to me you know um and I have

a career today and you know that's because somebody in these rooms gave me a job you know they gave me

a job and they taught me how to do what I'm doing today and like I would never even imagine that I

would have you know that type of that type of career or that type of job and that people will

rely on me or count on me you know I was telling my sponsor here that uh when I was using it

drinking then when I was using and drinking um I didn't even get invited to my family's house for

Thanksgiving nobody wanted my idea at their house I was kubu you know um I wasn't invited to

Thanksgiving I wasn't invited to Christmas I um I would have this Thanksgiving dinner

but whatever house I had wherever I was staying and we would call it the reject Thanksgiving and

we would invite everybody over who didn't whose family didn't care enough to invite them um and

we would just have Thanksgiving ourselves and um and you know what this year is like where am I

gonna go for Thanksgiving like I I have to like choose you know I have to choose where I'm gonna

where I'm gonna go or even for the holidays like I have to pick and choose like oh my god well I

have to go here and I have to go and it's just like I have so many choices today so many blessings

two Christmases ago um I was able to spend Christmas with all seven of my children for

the very first time in my life um they're all in my life now but we never ever got together and had

a Christmas together and I was telling my daughters that the years that they were away from me I used

to think about them on their birthdays and on Christmas and I and I used to think like I hope

they're having a good Christmas as even when I was high and drinking I would think about my daughters

and I would be like I hope they're having a good Christmas and what's weird is that my daughter

told me that she used to think the same thing like wherever my mom's at I hope she's having

a good Christmas so it's like it's weird how things happen in life but I know that I would

have not had any of this if I wouldn't have stayed sober I know that my life would not be where it's

at today if I wouldn't have stayed sober I still go to three meetings a week I have commitments at

those meetings I still pick up women from treatment centers I I still give back you know I know that

there was a time where I was very uncomfortable with myself because I wasn't doing those things

it was a brief moment a little bit after COVID right I was so uncomfortable in my own skin I

didn't know what to do because I wasn't doing the things I was supposed to be doing and um and it

does it gets up very if it gets very tight and very uncomfortable very fast and character defects

start to come up and you start thinking well I should have this or I should have that and like

not being grateful for what you have you know and um you know I had I had to look at myself again

and I had to like what do I need to do different I started picking up women again and I started

going to more meetings and you know what and I started participating in the convention with Lacey

and and you know just it's been a lot of service um and just giving back and just keep doing what

I'm doing and just working these steps uh to the best of my ability every day um so um just want

to say how grateful I am to all of you I miss all your faces um you know I I just I kind of

miss hearing plop and uh yeah I'm just grateful to be here I'm grateful for my life today thank

you to AA and thank you to you