From Uncomfortable Childhood to Sober Today: Tammy's Journey

Hi, my name is Tammy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you, Nate, for asking me.

He asked me back in December and I don't know, I don't know if I was rude or I was like,

I'm just so busy.

I'm too busy.

Maybe Jan.

No, not January.

I don't know, Nate.

And then I ran into him several times and he just would look at me and I felt horrible

and it was bugging me and it was rubbing me the wrong way.

So I reached out to him on Monday, I think it was, and I was like, okay, I have some

time now.

And then Saturday, I'm like, oh, oh, this Saturday?

The next one?

Yeah.

I'm super grateful to be here.

I have a sobriety date at 7-11-07 and I have a sponsor, I have a home group and I am grateful

for Alcoholics Anonymous and the life that it's given me today.

Everything good I have, I know is due to Alcoholics Anonymous and everything bad is by my own

making and by the actions that I take, you know, when I do things my way, I seem to get

into trouble or have some uncomfortable, you know, feelings that go along with that.

And I, you know, I, I'm not comfortable feeling that way anymore.

And I think that when I got here, well, actually, I'm pretty sure when I got here, you know,

being uncomfortable was comfortable for me and being miserable, that was my natural state,

being uncomfortable.

I, you know, I knew I was an alcoholic.

I think like, I can't remember not knowing I was an alcoholic, like even as a young child,

there's alcoholism in my family.

Generation after generation, I didn't grow up in an alcoholic household though.

My mom isn't an alcoholic and my dad is an alcoholic, but he didn't live with us.

And so my mom, you know, would drink one glass of wine and I've never seen my mom drunk in

my entire life.

You know, she was 19 when she had me, 17 when she had my brother.

So we kind of grew up together.

But I knew I was so uncomfortable at such a young age, like I was uncomfortable in my

own skin.

I felt like I just didn't want to be me.

I didn't want to wake up tomorrow and be me again.

And every day I'd be disappointed that I was me.

You know, I feel like I fit in everywhere, but I wasn't comfortable everywhere.

I was like, I would hop from friends, you know, I had so many friends and I was always

really busy, but I was so uncomfortable.

I hated who I was.

I felt like I was this Amazon.

My mom was 4'11, you know, I had big, huge knees.

I, you know, I, I towered over my mom at five years old.

I mean, seriously, I haven't been able to wear my mom's shoes since elementary school,

maybe even before that.

And my mom being so tiny and me being tall, considering how short she was, I felt like

I was an Amazon, you know, which as, as a girl, I think it causes even more mental issues,

you know, with weight and how big you are and, and just that constant, you know, feeling

less than, and not feeling good about who I was.

And, you know, my mom was just this cute petite little thing and, and, and now I'm shrinking

and I, I don't, you know, today I wish I was taller, you know, but at that time, you know,

I just, I just was so uncomfortable, but I think it was just, I think I needed a drink

in elementary school, you know, I think that I needed to check out and, and once I finally

did take that drink, it, it did everything I wanted it to do, you know, numb those feelings

that I didn't want to feel.

And it made me not so tall and not so fat or, or it, you know, just everything that

I was so uncomfortable, like everything about me made me uncomfortable.

I felt like I was not smart enough.

I, you know, I, I wasn't motivated.

I had zero goals.

Like I had no, I hated school.

I hated, I hated any activities.

I liked brownies, but I never finished.

I liked the girl Scouts.

I never finished.

Like, you know, I would try all these things, but it just wasn't for me, you know, cause

I couldn't be one place for very long and I'd have to go to the next thing.

And, um, you know, I, that was pretty much how I, how I lived like my entire childhood,

you know, with some, um, really uncomfortable and bad things happened.

And, and, and that kind of put me on a path of, of wealth, F everybody and everything

else.

And, um, I just didn't care anymore about consequences.

I no longer cared if my mom was upset with me, I would run away and, you know, I wasn't

out of control child.

And, um, I ended up getting put into a Northridge psychiatric hospital where I graduated from

high school.

And, um, you know, that was, I never moved back home after that point, I left that, that

mental hospital and never lived at home again.

But I, what I did was I, you know, I picked up a couple of drunk drivings right after

that.

Um, alcoholism wasn't my problem.

It was just that the wrong place at the wrong time.

I got pregnant.

Um, I thought having a baby would, would help me cause I would have that unconditional love

that I, cause I thought my mom didn't love me.

I thought my, you know, I just like that all those things that come in, you know, that

we feel as a child, like nobody loves me, nobody likes me.

You know, I hate my life.

I hate who I am.

And I thought it, you know, Oh, a baby will love me cause I knew I loved my mom unconditionally.

Like I knew how I felt about her.

And so I thought I needed to have one of those and, um, I, you know, I didn't really realize

what went along with that.

Um, but so I had one of those and I had one of those with somebody that I didn't like,

you know, and I didn't want to be with them, but I thought, okay, he had a job.

And so for me, that was like a really good, um, point because I didn't have a job.

Um, I had never had a job except at Chuck E Cheese for a very short time, um, when I

was 16.

And so I married him and I was miserable, you know, I didn't love him.

I shouldn't have married him.

I had this son and then I thought, well, I want two kids and so I better, I don't want

two daddies.

I just want two kids.

So I had the second kid with him and, um, and what happened was is I, I just started

drinking myself like to death and, and started using other things.

You know, drugs are a huge, you know, huge part of my story because you know, alcohol

stopped working very young.

You know, I was in my early twenties after I had both my kids and that alcohol, it just

wasn't working or I was a fault, you know, as a blackout drunk and I couldn't, I'm trying

to be a PTA mom and being that drunk wasn't working out very well.

And, um, and so I just really, um, needed to do other things and, and, and I did, I

was a, um, you know, I think from the moment my second son was born, I wasn't sober a day

ever.

Like I, I can't tell you I had a sober day and it, you know, this is a progressive illness

and it progressed and it progressed and I, um, you know, I could not live without drugs

and alcohol.

I couldn't be a mom anymore.

I could not stand him anymore.

And um, and so I left and I left those boys because I just couldn't do it.

You know, I, I didn't have any tools to be a mom.

I, I could clean a house, you know, it was really good.

Good at cleaning.

And I remember one time we were going to therapy and my ex husband, you know, she, he, she

asked the therapist asked him, you know, what do you love about Tammy?

And he sat there and he sat there and I'm sitting there and she's looking at me and

I'm looking, he's like, she can keep a clean house.

And that was it.

That was the end of it.

And I was like, Oh my God, like this, I gotta go.

You know, this is, and I couldn't stand him, so I didn't love him at all, but that was

just like, it just, it wasn't good.

And um, so I ended up leaving the house, you know, and the job that he had because, um,

I was not self-supporting, I'd never been self-supporting, I didn't know how to get

a job.

I barely graduated from high school.

Like I said, it was my psych hospital, so, um, that wasn't too grand.

Um, but what happened was, is I, I left the kids and I, I started, um, picking up felonies.

You know, I got five felonies within one year and I started doing things that I never thought

I would do.

Um, and it became apparent that there was some serious issues because after one arrest

and then another arrest that I, the, you know, what drugs and alcohol did for me was it removed

any feelings I had.

And when that stopped working, I had no options.

You know, I didn't have, um, I just remember my mom called me and, um, was telling me how

horrible I was and, and like the guilt and, and all those things that was just like killing

me and killing me and killing me, but the drugs and the alcohol weren't taking that

away anymore.

You know, and what do you do when that happens when that's the only thing that I know takes

away those feelings is drugs and alcohol.

And when that stops working, you're in a really crappy place.

And um, and they did stop working.

Um, and you know, I didn't, uh, get sober by choice.

I, um, was on probation in violation of probation, two counties, and I got arrested again.

I, um, was, was at a motel on an el Cortez motel on Sepulveda and it got raided.

And I had just gotten out of jail 36 hours before and from Ventura County.

And so the guy that I was with, um, you know, I thought he was my boyfriend, I guess that's

what you call him, right?

Or your boyfriend.

Um, but, uh, I had been in jail for six months or more right before I got out for 36 hours.

And when they arrested us, they had all these videos of all these crimes and they were saying

that it was me because it was some blonde girl, it wasn't me, but it was him and some

blonde girl.

And, um, so it took them some time to realize that I was in custody somewhere else.

So I wasn't in trouble for these other things, you know, so it wasn't me.

So they released me and, um, they didn't, um, yeah, they released me.

And what happened was is I had heard about a rehab, they released me, but I was in violation

of probation.

So I knew that I was going to have to go back to jail.

And when I got released kind of in error, I, um, I didn't have anywhere to go.

I had a jumpsuit from Van Nuys jail, like there's like those paper jumpsuits.

I had no, I had nothing.

I lost everything because the time before I had gotten arrested and my car had gotten

seized at the border when I was trying to bring over Jose, which, um, didn't go well

either.

Um, and, um, you know, that just added to my, my record.

And, um, so I didn't have anything left, you know, I, I had nowhere to go.

I had no one to call all, I burned all my bridges, um, and I had heard about Acton.

And um, and so I just, actually I heard about, what I heard about Acton was that if you go

to treatment, the cops can't come and get you.

Cause I knew I would had a warrant out for me.

And so if I go to Acton, I could just get a break, you know, I just want to break.

And um, I went to Acton and I, um, my first day there I had, I had a abscess.

It was like I was, I was, yeah, I was disgusting.

I was not well and I needed to have some medical treatment, but they had drained an abscess

from slamming dope, whatever it was disgusting.

And I kind of lied about my way to get in there cause you can't have any, you know,

anything wrong with you when you go and beyond any antibiotics.

And so I, um, I just needed to get there.

Like that's all I wanted was to get there.

And um, and when I got there, I, um, I had this little counselor, she was really short.

She kind of, she invited me and my mom, um, her name was Deborah and she was this Hispanic

lady.

And when she told her story, it was my story and she had at the time eight years, um, sober.

And I just was, first of all, I was amazed and I didn't really understand it.

But um, what she said to me was that you are only responsible for that first drink.

And for some reason that that resonated with me, it stayed with me cause I, I was so confused

about how that first drink gets you drunk.

You know, just don't take that first drink because I can not take that first drink.

Like that seems easy.

Like I just don't, you know, it's those other ones that I can't not take.

Um, so just don't take that one in that I, um, I don't ever have to live the way I was

living before.

And I don't know what that looks like.

I don't know what that means.

You know, I, um, I've lived that way for so many years that I don't know what a life of

sobriety looks like.

I don't know what, I don't even know what to do, you know?

And um, so I stayed in Acton and um, some, you know, some panels would come in and I

would do NA.

So I thought I belonged in NA and then I would go to AA.

Um, and then when I got out of Acton, I had to turn myself into jail and um, I was in

jail for a bit.

And then when I got out of jail, I was on probation for five years and had this drug

program I had to do.

And um, I was going to this drug thing every day for five, you know, five days a week,

all day long.

I guess it's kind of like outpatient in a sense, but it was not at a treatment that

was called Matrix at the time.

And I would go there every day and you're supposed to be going to AA meetings and get

your court card signed.

And I was signing my court card because I tried to, I did try to several times I'd go

to a meeting and all you guys were outside or laughing and talking and just look normal.

And I was like, I can't do that.

Like I can't do this.

Yeah.

I was so petrified of just you guys and how are you happy and how are you laughing and

how are you just, you look normal.

Um, and so I would sign my court card and um, and then I finished that drug program

and you know, I wanted, I had this one lady that was going to Life's In Session at the

time who, um, was obnoxiously calling me to go to a meeting and she was like, you know,

AA people are amazing.

They keep calling you and they keep calling and I would decline her call and decline the

call and I wasn't in a very good place and I don't think I wanted to stay sober any longer.

And I think that that was my first time that God was like more obvious in my life or power

greater than myself because I accidentally answered that phone call and I didn't hang

up on her, which was shocking.

And um, I kind of told her the truth about what was going on and she said, go to a meeting

right now.

Where are you?

I was on White Oak and um, Sherman Wake cause that's where my, my drug dealer was living.

Um, and uh, and I listened to her for some reason.

I, I, I, I'm like, okay.

And she's like, well, I'm not there though, but my husband is, I'm like, well, I don't

know who your husband is, but I walked into that meeting.

I was a little bit late and um, it was the Friday night meeting at Life's In Session

and I just, I remember Von Ciel was a secretary and, and, and yeah, and the speaker was Reverend

somebody and it was like, I think you, you know who I'm talking about?

Do you remember Reverend?

And he was loud and animated and walking up and down the aisle and I was like, like starstruck

kind of.

Um, and I was like, I just listened and um, and then I sat behind a row of bald guys that

had bald heads and converse and flannels and I couldn't see their faces, but I thought,

I think I'm going to come back to this meeting cause I don't, you know, um, and um, and I

went back the next night.

I found out there's a meeting there every single night.

So I went back, you know, I thought, Oh my God, okay, I will do this.

I will come back the next night.

And I went back the next night and um, and I ended up getting a sponsor at Life's In

Session and I am so incredibly grateful for Life's In Session and for the foundation that

you guys have here that we had at Life's In Session because if it wasn't for that, I don't

believe I'd be sober today.

Um, Tom was there when I went there and for Tom and DF and like I am forever grateful

because they have been, you guys have been examples of Alcoholics Anonymous that saved

my life.

You know, the structure that the commitments at every single meeting and I got a sponsor,

you know, you got to do the watches, you got to do the picnics, like that stuff kept me

so busy in my early sobriety that I didn't have time to think, you know, I didn't have

time to figure out what am I, how am I going to solve all my problems today because I had

a sponsor that I called every single day no matter what and she would tell me what to

do.

You know, I, I didn't know how to get a job.

I didn't know how to be a mom.

I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to do anything and because of Life's In Session

and because of the foundation, every, I learned how to do those things because of the women

in Alcoholics Anonymous and the men, you know, I, I got here with five felonies, never having

a job and lost, you know, having to get my kids back, trying to get a place to live,

you know, all these things in that stack looked so huge and I was so afraid of like nothing's

ever going to happen.

How's it ever going to happen and how am I supposed to just give it to God and you know,

I had a God, I got a God box, you know, as somebody gave me one, I was like, what am

I, what's going to, how's that going to work?

You know, if it goes in the God box, who's going to fix it?

You know, like I didn't understand any of the things and I think that that is also a

gift when you get to Alcoholics Anonymous to have no knowledge of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't know anything, you know everything and I'm ready to listen to what other people

have to tell me.

Um, I had no opinions on Alcoholics Anonymous and I had no idea how any of it worked, how

any of these steps worked, how the stupid saying, keep coming back or, you know, I just

all, like I never, it was like mind blowing to me.

Like I, Nancy and I were talking before the meeting and, and just like when she realized

like between the tradition, you know, the steps and the traditions, like it was mind

blowing.

Like when you kind of like crack the case and you kind of get what they mean, it's like,

Oh my God.

And years later, and I'm not a quick learner too.

So it took me a long time to figure out how these things apply in my life today.

And um, you know, I, I love Alcoholics Anonymous and the life that I have is everything because

of it.

And I have been, um, in the middle of AA and I've been on the outside of AA and when you're

on the outside of AA, it's not very comfortable and it can be scary.

And I, um, you know, was going to Life's in Session for many years in my early sobriety

and, um, and then it, it was no longer existing.

And so I was, I felt like an orphan when Life's in Session left and where do you go?

And um, I ended up here because of Tom Lugo, um, he kept coming to the Saturday night meeting

and I thought I would never feel the way I did.

You know what?

I've never had friends again and, and I just, Alcoholics Anonymous is, is everywhere, you

know, and if you keep going and you keep going back and you keep going to different meetings

or whatever, you find your fit, you find your people too.

You know, I am so grateful that I have the people that I have in my life.

You know, the friends and the meetings and, um, doing the convention with my friends.

And, um, you know, I have been the treasury for the convention.

Well, I'm not anymore after, after four years, you know, um, at doing that, it was, um, it's,

it's, it also opened my eyes to other people because when you go to the same meetings over

and over again, you know, you see the same people over and over again, which I did for

so many years.

So that was what I was comfortable doing.

But me, you know, me going outside of my comfort zone and meeting people in a different situation

still with AA though, it was, um, I liked it a lot.

I think that it is, um, I'm still, you know, I still am uncomfortable and afraid when you

meet new people, you know, I'm not the, um, I don't know, I hide behind my friends and

they're out there.

But, um, you know, when I, um, finished my steps and I, and I started like applying the

steps in my life, I was able to, you know, I, I knew my life was like manageable and

I just didn't understand how you fix those things, you know, and having a sponsor to

walk you through all those things.

I was able to, you know, get a job, get off probation, go to college, get married, get

my kids back and have a relationship with those kids and make those amends that everything

was like such a tall order.

I was petrified.

Like, how do you do these things?

And I always also had issues with God.

Like I didn't, I, you know, I'm, I'm very factual and I wanted proof and I wanted, like,

you know, evidence like show me and that's just not how it works.

You know, I know today that there is a power greater than myself.

I'm not sure exactly what that looks like, but I know that I'm not in charge and I know

that when I, um, do the work, um, I don't know what the results will always be and they

might not be what I think that they should be, but time again and time and time and time

again it happens and it's better than I ever would have imagined it could have been.

It's not what I planned it to be, but it always is so much better or it ends up being better.

It's like one of those things about God's will is, um, the way I like to think about

God's will is like when I am doing Tammy's will, it feels yucky inside.

Like something doesn't feel right inside.

And when I'm doing God's will, it's not instant gratification, but the longterm effects is

always going to be positive rather than my yucky feeling.

And it's always negative.

You know, I, um, I had one thing, it's a funny story because I remember when I first moved

into my, uh, a studio apartment and I was paying rent for the very first time in my

life ever because I never paid a bill and it was like $875 and I had it and I stood

in front of the office, like literally for like a half an hour because I could take this

money and go spend it.

You know, I could just buy shop and whatever it was, you know, 800 something dollars or

I could put it in this box for my rent and I stood there for the longest time and I was

really torn.

I was early in sobriety and I was so torn about it and that was like, Oh God, do I put

it in, you know, and I dropped it in the box and like that I realized what that meant is

that that's God's will me put it in the box and now I have a place to live for 30 days.

If I would have kept it, I wouldn't have had a place to live and look at all the damage

that would have been caused by it.

And I was like, Oh, okay.

Like I think I know what that's, what's God's God's will is for us, right?

You know, I, um, I struggled with all those things so many times and it's like, I know

that when I make decisions based on what I think it should be or how I feel I need to

pass, I need to share it with somebody or tell my sponsor before I make that decision

because I'm really quick to, um, take action and then call my sponsor, especially when

I know if my sponsor is going to say no or if I know ahead of time of what my sponsor

is going to say to me and I still want to do it, I do it and then I'll call her because

I know I'll be, you know, and it's not that I, I sometimes, you know, it's still Tammy's

will, it's like, I still want to do things my way, but I've gotten much better through

the years, at least calling my sponsor and sharing it with my sponsor.

And um, you know, those things are really hard for me to do.

I didn't understand like why, you know, I thought when you get sober, you should, it's

like your powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable, but aren't you supposed

to be independent?

Aren't you supposed to, you know, like know how to do all these things?

Cause I didn't know how to do any of the things when I got here, I didn't know how to apply

for a job and go to school or do any of these things.

And it's because I would call my sponsor and if she didn't know how to do something, she

would call her sponsor or, you know, there's like this group of people that can help you

with whatever the situation is.

And as long as I don't make a decision based on what I just think I am, I'm okay.

Most of the time.

95% of the time.

Um, I don't know how long do I go for.

Oh, I thought you said it was 20 minutes.

Did you say 40?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you said 25.

No, that's all right.

Um, anyways though, but I, um, you know, when I was on probation and having to do all the

things that, that I had to do, I thought that I was never going to be off of probation because

I had to drug test on a daily basis or call in to see if I had to drug test.

And every time I would do that, I thought like every time I would have to go and through

the act, you know, the act of like testing or doing all these things, I was always in

constant fear that something like it was just going to be bad.

And every time I had obviously a clean test, but I thought that that was why I was staying

sober for the first five years is because of being in fear of my five year joint suspension.

And, um, and I don't know if that was the reason at the beginning, but I thought that

I was so afraid for so long that that was why that once I turned five years, I think

I became more active in alcoholics anonymous even more than I was like even before because

I was so busy with school at that time too.

I um, I think that what keeps us here in the very beginning, it doesn't matter what the

motives are or why we're here as long as you start doing the work.

When we get here, I feel that my motives have changed drastically through the years.

You know, it's like when I first got here, I first came to that meeting at life's in

session.

I went back the next night because of the bald guy in the, you know, in front of me

and um, and I kept coming back whether, you know, and maybe my motives weren't good cause

I didn't have good motives in the beginning.

Um, but today I come here for my sobriety.

I come here for the right reasons and I come here because it saves my life every single

time that I show up to a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and I participate in my sobriety.

I know that I have a good chance at being sober tomorrow tonight.

Pretty sure I'm not going to drink tonight.

So that gives me another, you know, day in my book, but I, um, I wouldn't trade any thing

in my life.

My kids are both in my life today, which was, it was a lot of work.

You know, I had a lot of making up time and, and you know, amends to make and I made those

amends and those are living amends.

And today I get to be an example for my kids and, um, and we have a sober house.

I married the gala, you know, the bald headed guy in front of me that first meeting.

And I, I've helped, I've had, I've had him captive for 16, 17 years since.

And um, and you know, living with another alcoholic, it's, it's, it's, we get to have

that sober house and we get to look at the life that we have today and know that it is

all because of alcoholics anonymous because he was living in a bush.

I was living on Sepulveda and, um, and what we have today, we, we wouldn't have ever had,

you know, if someone didn't pull them out of that Bush or, um, yeah, I get to, um, participate

in my life every single day sober.

And that's, that's what I want tomorrow and one day at a time for the rest of my life.

But, um, I'm going to end early guys.

So, um, thank you.

And I want to thank my guide, my sponsor and all of you.