From East L.A. Roots to Sobriety: Julie's Journey

Hi everyone, Julie St. John, glad to be here. Thank you, Nathan, for asking me and I'm honored

to be here. I'm dialing in from Tennessee, so it's past my bedtime. I'll try and liven

it up. I want to thank Bruce for a great talk. I know your sponsor well, and I know that

woman Roz. In fact, I was at her 95th birthday party before I moved here. I know that. So

she must be 96 now because everything at the birthday party had 95 and still alive on it.

So anyway, I love Marty and coincidentally, I mean, how bizarre is this? Bruce and I have

the exact same sobriety date. I just turned 34 on January 31st, 1991. So that's pretty

trippy. You know, they say there are no coincidences, but I could relate to so much of what you

what you shared and I really enjoyed your talk. So you've got the statistics of how

much time I have. I'm unlike Bruce, have a few years on your Bruce. I'm 68 and I grew

up in Northeast LA and my parents were from, well, I was born in South Dakota as well,

but you know, before I was three or something, we moved to Los Angeles. They were a young

couple. My mom had been divorced. She had three kids were born like July, August, September.

And I think she was 20 years old when she got a divorce. So there you go. And so she

marries my stepdad and they moved to, you know, want to get out of Dodge and move to

California for a, um, is there going to be a timer? Okay. There's the timer. Is it the

32? I'm guessing anyway. Okay. Um, so they move, get out of Dodge. They move to Los Angeles

and end up in this little downstairs duplex in Northeast Los Angeles. And that was our

starter home or their starter place. And there was two bedrooms and I told you there was

three kids and then they had two more. So it was crowded. And back then, you know, it

wasn't, uh, it just wasn't uncommon to have five kids in a two bedroom house or, you know,

there was this little alcove that, um, my dad put some plywood up and put a bed in there

for me since I was the only girl of five kids. And childhood was, um, crazy. I told you it

was East LA, so a lot of gangs and, um, it was just different, you know, for a Midwestern

couple and their kids. But my dad, you know, we didn't have money and my dad worked in

a machine shop. My mom stayed home and they little money they could pull together. They

put us in Catholic school. My four brothers played sports. My mom kept score. My dad was,

you know, would help coach and, you know, pray before dinner at night and get our uniforms

off. You know, like it was just idyllic in some ways. But, um, you know, and I'm not,

I'm sure that they didn't want us to turn out the way we did, but my dad was kind of

a periodic and my mom was busy cleaning in the middle of the night all the time, which

was weird until, uh, she gave me a couple of these little white pills to help her clean

one day. So she was kind of wacky like that. And my brother that's a year older had joined

a gang and my younger brother was started dealing drugs and you know, we would have

the helicopters and my brother had a low rider and there was just a lot of drama and you

know, from the outside it looked like everything was okay. But I, you know, I always say everybody

has like their role in the family. My role was miss goody two shoes. I was the second

oldest. I was not going to be like my crazy brother who had gotten stabbed and you know,

had gone to jail and then he went into the military to get out of trouble. And my younger

brother was going in and out of jail and for dealing drugs and weapons. And I mean, my

mom was, you know, hers and she was very busy and I'm like, I got to get out of here. Are

these, you know, I felt like, you know, you young people wouldn't know this reference,

but there was this TV show called the Munsters and there was like one normal person. I was

like, I felt like, like I'm not going to be like the neighbor who went to prison, you

know, 18 years old cause he killed somebody. The other neighbor killed somebody. The Sammy

at the corner market huffing glue, not going to be around these. I'm not going to be like

this. Right. So that was, um, I got married when I was 21. I had my resolve, you know,

knowing what my family was like. My dad was periodic and um, you know, in the neighborhood

I just knew what caused everybody going away, you know, on vacation we called it. Um, so

I wasn't going to be like them. And I set out on my way, I went to junior college and

I took the secretarial courses and I met him when I was 20 and he was a college football

star. He had gone away to play college and came back to town. So, um, kind of a local

hero, I guess, I don't know, big guy. And uh, so we had this big wedding, we get married

and um, I, like I said, I was going to be different. I didn't want to like, I had all

these things in childhood, like my dad that would, I mean, my dad had this fascination

with camouflage and he would spray paint everything camouflage like this Baja Volkswagen and leave

his, cause he was a hunter and fishermen from South Dakota. Nobody else in the neighborhood

was rolling up the street in a spray painted vehicle with a dead deer attached to the top.

Like he'd go after work into the local mountains and shoot a deer. And I would just be like

doing curtain patrol and you know, looking outside like I hate my life. Like who are

these people? And you know, our lights would get turned off and the phone would get turned

off and that was back then before cell phones and you know, so when there was no electricity

we'd plug into the neighbor's electricity. It's like, Oh anyway, so I digress. So I set

out on my way to make things different and have this better life. And I started acquiring

all these things I thought were supposed to fix me. My, I bought a Porsche and I had always

worked. I got a job at 15 as an executive assistant and worked for only the old people

will know this reference, Broadway department stores, their corporate office was in East

Los Angeles there. And I, that's where I was one of my first jobs. And you know, a couple

years into this marriage, I had my first child, my daughter, and I just thought, I'm going

to give this baby everything I never had. Right. And um, I tried to do that, you know,

we bought a house, I had new furniture. I thought those were the things that were supposed

to fix me. And I just remember thinking like, well, I must not have it right. I must have

the combo right or something, but I just have that restless, irritable alcoholic disposition

of this isn't it. I'm doing something wrong. A grass is greener somewhere else. And you

know, this is not to say that everything was horrible back then. Things were working back

then. And because my husband was this, you know, former football star, there were always

people at our house who I called him his groupies that kind of made for a party atmosphere and

they were always there. And because I just thought, Oh, you're so smart, Julie, because

you've watched your family struggle with all these and the neighborhood and you know what

caused it all. And you will know better, right? I have the type of alcoholism that I will

know when to say when, right? I am the only one in the family who's in AA though. So side

note, just so you know, I'm the only one that made it. So I obviously worked through that

and I but I had my resolve go going for a good while and I, I didn't become alcoholic

or drug addict and you know, they were bringing over, this was the eighties and I had my son

three years later, two big kids and you know, eight and nine pounds and everything's working

and I'm drinking wine after work every day and all these people at our house every weekend

and they were bringing cocaine over and I thought, Oh, I want to try that. I'll know

when to say when I, you know, and I tried it and I really liked it. Okay. Like I knew

intuitively that there wasn't enough and that I had to keep how much I liked it a secret.

Right. And so I started drinking every day and I started using cocaine and I find myself

a couple of years later with a pretty serious habit and drinking every day and I'm find

myself pregnant with my third child and I can't stop. And I crossed that line and talk

about like, you know, I told you I was a good little Catholic school girl. I was so ashamed

and I, you know, these secrets that we keep inside. I had, we were losing the house. I'm

losing, you know, unlike Bruce who didn't lose everything. I lost everything, you know,

and it was a spiral that was not pretty, you know, from almost losing one job and getting

another job and becoming angry and I couldn't stop. And I, you know, I give birth to this

little baby who weighs five pounds and I would look at him and I would flinch and I would

think you did that to him. You are a monster. You are worse than your entire family put

together. How could you do this? How you are going to be different. You know, the, the

voice that just wouldn't stop and, and I wish I could say, you know, he was born and I saw

the light, but no, I live like that for another five years of circling the drain and losing

everything. And so, you know, of course you lose the marriage. Of course you lose the

house. Of course you lose the job. And I hadn't filed taxes and, and it just wasn't pretty.

I moved my three kids and myself, you know, into my parents, back to my parents' house,

into one room where, you know, my brother's dealing drugs in the next room and mom is

cleaning all night, you know, scrubbing smoke off the walls because, you know, everybody

smoked and heaven forbid someone opened a window, but not that I judge. Anyway, here

I am sleeping on the floor with my three kids and I'm taking them to this little Christian

school and I have, my fillings have fallen out. I have water in my knees. I have, um,

I haven't paid taxes. So I hadn't filed taxes in like six years. I had warrants for my arrest

on tickets I hadn't paid. I had gotten fired from that job. My husband, like, I'm not living

with your crazy family. So he went to stay with his brother. And then, um, so that's

what it was like. And what happened to get me here was that no one's ever shocked when

I say this. However, I was very shocked when I got arrested. I remember thinking, I just

had my nails done. I'm a mother. Like you can't arrest me. And then they just didn't

care. So anyway, here I am. I get arrested and, um, uh, it's weird when I have to laugh

at my own jokes, but oh well that's okay. Um, I'll have fun with it. I've done this

a lot. I just have fun with it. You don't have to laugh even though it's funny. So,

um, so I get arrested, I come out, you know, my husband was staying with his brother who

had been going through a divorce because he had cheated on his wife with his secretary.

So the two of them were there and we would get together on the weekends and we'd say,

Oh, we're going to get it all back when we get our next check. Right. Like who cares?

Look at, and I was shaking my fist at God. Like I thought I had a hard childhood and

now this, and um, you know, I'm praying with my kids. They don't care. They don't know.

They just wanted to be with me. You know, they would fight over who we slept on the

floor, who got my face last night, you know, and God, what a life when I think back, you

know, and how far I've come. And so I get arrested and I, you know, I was just in a

fetal position, white flag. I can't do this anymore. This is too hard. You know, I had

listened to those in the middle of the night, those commercials from out. If you know somebody

who has a problem, you should have them call AA and it would give the number. So I bravely

dialed AA and I said, my sister has a problem and this your sister should go to AA. I said,

Oh no, she can't. She has kids. I didn't know anything about AA, right? There was a weird

neighbor lady who knew our family was just all nuts. Had told my brothers that she was

in AA. We just all laughed at her like, whatever that is, go for it lady. And so, um, you know,

I couldn't find my husband. I had called the EAP that, you know, luckily still had insurance

and he said, there's this thing called rehab where you go. And so I knew it was the beginning

for me that I couldn't do this. I was done forking it. Like I knew that my life was going

to be different. And so my mom of course offered me a Valium, which I took and they, my kids

and my mom dropped me off at this rehab in Glendale. It's called Glendale Adventist Recovery

Center GARC, I called it. And, um, and that started my journey. Oh, and then like the

week before, I'm now driving a 20 year old Volkswagen and I forgot to put oil in the

engine and the engine blew. I was like, really? There was no friendly direction, you know?

Like I, and then my husband, oh yeah, this one, my husband, um, decided he and this blonde

biatch, I used to call it, I don't know, I didn't used to be blonde, but anyway, um,

they decided they liked each other and they were gonna start a life together. And so I

was like, listen here buddy, I didn't want you when I had you, but now you're, you're,

and you're going to leave me here with the kids in this drug house. I was sleeping on

the floor, you know? And so I was in the fetal position, like crying for two days until it

went into this rehab. And then I just remember, you know, Bruce talked about it when he heard

the words coming out of people's mouths that they were saying that was, I thought they

were going to quote my social security number in the book, you know, like I just couldn't

believe that you were talking my language and I was just like, oh my God, this is incredible,

you know? And I was pinching myself. Of course I walked in, I looked around and I just thought,

what kind of loser, what, is this my punishment? You know, I thought I just couldn't, I started

laughing, you know, like hysterically, I was like holding my stomach in the back row laughing,

like this is too much. Some guy was crying about something and I just thought, oh no,

save me. And of course it takes like 24 hours and you're holding hands, singing Kumbaya,

you know, this and this grand we're all sober. But you know, like my mom was home with my

kids. I had to get a job. I had to get my brothers and my dad put an engine in my Volkswagen.

I had to let my kids, he, my ex husband moved down to Orange County with this woman and

so I let the kids go stay with him. I think when I had about nine months, you know, I

was trying to do the right thing and focus on my sobriety and get a new job. And you

know, it was saving money so I could get a place. And of course he filed for divorce

and custody and was like garnishing my first check. I was crying all the time. I've come

here to, and I just like had this mountain of wreckage, you know, like we do. And that

started my journey and I'm grateful that it was that hard. You know, Bruce mentioned sharing

in a general way. I don't share in a general way because I don't want to be preached to

or I don't want to hear somebody's philosophy. I want to know that you were as bad as I was,

you know, that you struggled like I did. And so I share those details of how hard it was,

but I also share how I was laughing every day and how I got a job and my jobs got better.

I told you I'm an ex, I was an executive assistant up until last year and I ended up getting

promoted and working for like the chairman of an oil company. You know that high rise

downtown that said Arco on it. I worked on the 51st floor as the assistant to the chairman.

Here I am in my first five years, like getting all these promotions all because I took this

thing that I'm sure they don't even teach anymore. It's called shorthand and a Susan

might know. And uh, you know, when we're sober and we're really doing this deal, we'd make

good employees and we get to advance in life and things get better. Here I am meeting presidency

United States. I met four presidents United States because of who I worked for. I got

invited to president Reagan's office. I've met president Carter and both the Bush presidents

and it's just amazing flying on private jets, you know, taking my little shorthand, like

thinking like if they only knew, like I had warrants for my arrest, you know, not that

long ago. I, you know, it was like incredible. What I remember in early sobriety, they said,

make a list if you're new of everything you want in sobriety because you're going to get

that and everything else. And in all my bitterness, I thought, Oh really, is that your little

newcomer activity? Okay. So I made a list and I put on the list. I wanted a new car.

I want someone else to pay for it. And the insurance. I wanted new furniture. I wanted

to maybe quit smoking, but probably not. And I wanted to maybe exercise. Of course, all

those things, you know, I, I, um, I switched jobs after several years. He took me with

him to work at another company and then ultimately out at his big mansion with his family, I

paid all their bills and did all their stuff. And then I, um, at five years of sobriety,

you know, we don't do anything easy. I met him in the rooms downtown at the noon meeting

and he was going through a divorce or he was, we were both already divorced, but he had

four kids and I had three kids. So we both was like to say we only had seven kids. We're

both paying child support up the wazoo for these kids. Right. I didn't have any money,

but we were having a good time in AA, you know, just laughing, going to meetings. And

um, so we got married at five years of sobriety and we moved down to orange County and you

know, the, I shared custody of my kids with my ex and I still had to pay him. Oh, figure.

But um, that's all over now. But that was, you know, hard back then. And, but we did

it because that's what we do in AA. We do the right thing. And of course we want a medal

for it, but that's just us in AA anyway. Um, uh, so my daughter wrote her high school essay

about her hero, her mom, and went on to college. And my son Jordan was a big football player

like his father, six foot four, 250 pounds lineman of the year, played varsity football

as a freshman. And he was lineman of the year, all four years. And that child that I could

have killed that barely weighed five pounds when he was born. You know, he has every bit

of what we have in our emotions. He's better than he's less than if you can't be the captain

of the team. Uh, he didn't want to play, you know? And so this program saturated our lives

and trickled down into my parenting, into their lives. And that young man, he's, today's

his birthday and he's 39 years old and he's never had a drink of alcohol because of you

guys, because of this program, because of how he has seen. Now, you know, if I got what

I deserved, I could have killed him. And you know, I didn't put that on my list that I

dear son, you know, that I flinched at and hated that I did that to him that he's sober

because of you. It's incredible, you know? Um, so at 10 years of sobriety, um, I worked

down, I got a job in, um, orange County working for the president of a car company, the chairman

president. And then I got a brand new car. I got two every year, one for my husband,

one for me. So if you're new, make a list of everything you want because you're going

to hit that stuff. It happens. I didn't ask for that. And um, so I retired from that job

after 23 years and um, I miss working actually. I'm still getting used to this whole retirement

thing, but at 10 years of sobriety, um, we had a tragedy. My son, Jordan, a big football

player was a senior in high school and he was like, he just adored the ground. I walked

on like this kid, um, was just the best. And he said, mom, all the, all the football players

who were at our house every day for lunch, cause we lived close to the school and they

were like a herd of locusts, like just ravaging my covers for food. But you know, when you

miss out on time, you just so grateful to anything to be with them. And he said, all

the football players were going to go to Lake Havasu for spring break, mom. So we went to

the store and we got all this stuff and in the morning, um, he just came and he would

stand behind me, bear hug me and pick me up. I just love you so much, mom. And he did that

like three times that morning and I was like, all right already. And his friends all came

and I walked him out and wearing his big letterman's jacket and I got a call that morning at work

that there was an accident. Jordan was a passenger and he was killed instantly. And um, talk

about rocking your world in sobriety. You know that I never thought of drinking. I wanted

to die, but um, I just knew that I would never do that to my other kids. And um, honestly

now it's been over 20 years since he died. But so in hindsight, I can say that his death

gave me as many gifts as his life. You know, I became a chapter leader of a bereaved parents

group meeting and helped others and he lets us know he's around. His dad's football number

was 74 year I graduated high school. Jordan's football number was 74 we, we are customer

number 74 74 is our in our lives all the time. You know, like everywhere we go, I get asked

to speak in the Valley. They send me the address and it's 7,400 Jordan Avenue. You know, like

he just lets me know he's around. My daughter named her first born Jordan, Julianne after

Jordan and me and she has four kids now. So she named her youngest, um, Juliet after me,

my brother who was a year older, he died at 45 waiting for a liver transplant and I'm

the godmother to his oldest son and he just couldn't get this thing. You know, he was

45 he just, he drank in the hospital waiting for the liver for the transplant in the hospital

parking lot. You know, that's what we do. And you know, his son is struggling with sobriety.

Well, he has three sons. I'm the godmother to his oldest and he's struggling to stay

sober. But Josh, the middle one is sober seven years now and I give him a cake every year.

And Jeffrey, who's the oldest one, he just, he just named his little girl after me. Like

I never thought to put something as meaningful as that on that stupid list. But that's what

Alcoholics Anonymous does for us. You know, the gifts just keep coming. And like Bruce,

you know, I've grown old in this program and the gifts don't stop. They just don't stop

coming. You know, like to have my daughter build a home for me. Like I didn't have retirement

plans and it's expensive in California. And she said, Mom, we want you to live here. So,

you know, I've been blessed by sobriety in a thousand different ways that just keep happening.

I'm sponsoring a few women here. I sponsor a number of people all over the place, different

places I've spoken and I just continue to be blessed. You know, I'm trying to figure

this thing out if I want to get another job or not, but I'm also kind of enjoying Monday

morning not having to go to work, wait on people. Kind of sweet, to tell you the truth.

I went back, I started horseback riding, you know, exercise. Of course, I quit smoking

at two years of sobriety. I've traveled a lot. My husband is an attorney. We always

joke that I married an attorney because my family needed one, but he doesn't practice

criminal law. So of course both my parents are passed and you know, that brother that

was dealing drugs has been in and out of prison. And unfortunately we don't speak because he's

not really sober. And my one brother who we used to like say was worse than all of us,

he was born again Christian. So we'd be like, get back. But he's a, he and I are very close

and let's see, how am I doing on time? Oh, I got five more minutes. I can tell some stories.

No, maybe we'll get out of here early. I, I, like I mentioned, you know, if you're new,

I hope you stay as you're in for the ride of your lives. You know, it's like we come

here and we gather and we figure out each other's problems and solutions. And there's,

there's rarely anybody who hasn't experienced what you have experienced. And we do this

together. I like what Carl Morris says, like, I think it's Carl, it's like, we're like a

football huddle, you know, you get your tattoo removed, you get a job, you get your, you

know, record expunged. And those are the kinds of things that we get to do here and then

live these meaningful, purposeful lives where we become, you know, good citizens. And you

know, my sponsors in her eighties and wants me to be the trustee on her estate. Like I,

you know, I didn't ask for any of this stuff and I, I just do everything that I do, you

know, like my granddaughter, Jordan, she, she's 17 now and she was, is like dealing

with this seasonal depression. And I get to share with her that there's a solution to

depression and it's being of service to the world around you, to people in school. So

we're going to set up, you know, a service commitment at this food bank. But I, I want

to be able, nobody shared this stuff with me, the solutions to life, the organic heartfelt

solutions to life on how to deal with issues and problems. And it, you know, I need to

remember these things myself. So I'm going to end with that and just say how much I love

this program and all of you guys. And thank you for having me and letting me share. Remember

that funny. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Grendel Adventist rehab. That's funny. How funny is it that

Bruce and I had this same sobriety date? That's a trip. That's yeah, that's weird. How often

does that ever happen? You know, like I know one other person out of all the people. Really?

Wow. I think it's that birthday. Well, thank you for sharing so much. I appreciate it very

much. Thanks.