Morning Rituals and Meditation in 20 Years of Sobriety

Hi, my name is Ron. I'm an alcoholic, big buddy. Thank you, Nathan, for having me. I appreciate it.

And thank you, Monty. I really enjoyed your share. That was really nice. Yeah, you seemed like a

really nice guy. Were you that nice when you were using? Yeah, I forgot. Well, like I said,

I'm an alcoholic, so I'm really great. I love Alcoholics Anonymous, first off. So I'm grateful,

honored to participate in my sobriety, always. So it's a pleasure to be asked to come and

participate in my sobriety. I'm going to try to start a little bit like what today was like,

because I'm still not good at this, so I can get kind of jumbled in sharing. But I was thinking I

wanted to start with today and that we share what we used to be like, what happened and what we are

like today. I'm going to start with today and who knows where I'll go. Oh, I'll say my sobriety date

is September 21st, 1983. And today I got up about four in the morning, which I normally do. And I

made a commitment at about 20 years of sobriety. I found I was having some anxiety and that I went

through the steps looking at them to see if there was something I had missed that I wasn't doing,

you know, that I could, a tool I could pick up, kind of look at where I was at. And I looked

at step 10 and I thought, yeah, I continue to take personal inventory. You know, I watch my behavior

and my motivations during the day and what I do and how I react to life or respond, whether I react

or respond and I'm doing that. And step 12, I'll get back to 11. Step 12, I sponsor guys. I'm

involved. I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. Step 11, sought through prayer.

I pray. I talk to God all the time and meditation to improve my conscious contact. And I went, oh,

I've meditated and practiced like mindfulness off and on over the years. And my sponsor meditated

daily since I'd known him. My sponsor was a guy from Venice, Al S. And he was my sponsor my first

35 years until he passed away. And now a guy from the Palisades, John Kimball is my sponsor. And I

thought, you know, well, I could meditate any day like my sponsor Al. And I knew that was something

that I could kick up and do. And so I made a commitment and then right shortly after that,

that I made that commitment that that was something I was going to do. And it was going to

be a daily part of my life. My friend Tony, who I love dearly, one of my dearest favorite friends

and sponsors. I mean, to call him a sponsor is even kind of stupid because we have a, it's an

equal relationship really. And he wanted to start a men's retreat. And I thought, ah, that's even

perfect. Like I'm going to, I'm going to take the meditation and share that with the guys and

meditate. It's going to be a part of it. He did the format and all, but I'm going to add meditation

to it. We meditate before and so forth. And then I made a commitment to some friends that who asked

me to teach them how to meditate was that I would text them in the morning, you know, after I shared

with them how I meditate and, you know, there's many different ways. And I would share a little

quote or in a reminder that I'm sitting here and I developed this little tagline sitting here now.

And then something the way I, what I use in my meditation is not really a mantra, but it's called

a sacred word and centering prayer where I say, hi, God, and how I start off my relationship. And

then my connection and my meditation is to hang out with God for that period of my morning. And

I send that out to when I get up at four, I send this out to my friends that live in the East coast

time zone that I know are up. I've got a couple sponsees that have moved to Atlanta, Charlotte,

and stuff, and I'll send it to them. And then I'll set a timer and I sit and I meditate for

20 minutes or more, usually a bit more. And then after that, I text another insane amount of people

over on this coast. It's grown over 20 some years now of doing that daily. I had quite a

few people ask me to add them and it's the whole thing takes an hour at least. So that's how I

started my morning. And then I went to, I cleaned up, straightened up the kitchen, put away some

dishes that were drying. I put my kid's pill out for her that she has to take every morning when

she gets up. And I set the coffee for my wife. She likes to come out and hit the Keurig machine.

So her coffee comes, you know, it's just waiting for her ready. And I do have this little routine.

I learned that from Dr. Paul. I heard him speak when I was new and he shared about how his wife

liked her coffee, a perfect certain temperature and how he had the right size ice cube to put

into the hot coffee so that when she woke up and he placed it next to her bed that it was ready for

her just the way she wanted it. And this act of love and thing that he did for her stuck with me

and that's something I incorporated in my morning routine and what I do for my wife and my daughter.

And then I went and I drove to Radford Hall, which is over on Van Nuys Boulevard in Sherman Oaks. And

I open up Radford on Saturday and Sunday at 6 a.m. I clean up and I straighten up and I make coffee,

make a bunch of coffee for the first meeting that shows up at 7 30. And I set up a zoom

and stuff for them. And then at 7 a.m. I have a meditation. And being at 7 a.m. there was four

of us this morning that meditated. We've gotten up to eight for a little while. It was me only.

Yeah. So anyway, so I'm grateful because that's something I have a love for spirituality. I like

to read a lot and I love meditation. I like some of the studying things about the neuroplasticity,

the ability of the mind to change with prayer or exercise, meditation and things. So I do that

and it's something I give. I also start to take care of supplies at Radford Hall. So I do that.

I have a lot of comments. I spent a lot of time there. My wife occasionally says to me,

"Are you going back to Radford again?" My wife is not in the program. Then I left there and I went

to this is going to who knows where this is going. I went home and discussed with my I went home and

on the way I prayed because life is still challenging. Okay. And there's some challenges

financially. And I've got two kids. I've got a kid who returned home after college who's living

there for now. Maybe just for a little while. She wants to move away. But we're juggling and a 16

year old who just got her driver's license. So all of a sudden now we have two cars for four of us

with a lot of activities and it's been a challenge. So I went to try to purchase a car downtown Toyota

that had a car that my two of my wife and daughter were interested in. So I went down there but I

could only spend an hour and a half and got just part of it solid deal going and then I had to come

back home. I had a Zoom meeting with a college in a program in Pasadena. I'm applying for a master's

program in marriage family therapy. I have a career that's possibly ending and I asked my family and

friends like what do you think I ought to do or what do you see me doing? Oh you should be a

therapist dad and the guys I sponsor and a few and I think my kids think it because I have so

many people calling all the time. Tony does it calls only once in a while but because he's self

sufficient he's like great you got to have him speak here. So anyway so I started researching

that and I'm applying at this one place and then I raced back down when that was about an hour and

20 minutes and that went well. Oh I was saying on the way from Radford back home I had to pray

because like I'm nervous you know that's a lot of money. My kids the insurance and you know and

things have been tough like I said I have a career that's sort of dying. I work for a family member

and business that's dying and so there's you know financial insecurity can raise its you know

thoughts and but I see them and I let them go. I pray I try to like center myself and know that

God's got me and have my faith that things have been good man. I've seen it so bad like what am

I worried about you know man and and discuss with my wife and come out and it just went really

smoothly and it could be I could get a little edgy sometimes you know nervous and I didn't.

Interview went well I went back down I finished the deal bought the car credit everything was

okay and I came home I'm gonna take my daughter down to pick it up tomorrow and oh then I went

to pick up my daughter who was at a rehearsal for school she's in a play and went and picked her up

and some friends and took her to a birthday party and then I went home got a snack got my coat and

stuff and and then I went to Radford to check on a couple things make sure I had everything

I needed there and to sit in on a six o'clock meeting for a little while because daughter is

working daughter's at a party with friends wife's visiting mom I love AA when there's nothing to do

I don't sit at home and isolate anymore which I did the first couple years I was afraid of people

really afraid of people completely introverted terrified would sit at home sometimes and wait

to the last minute to go to a meeting maybe you know I have to talk myself into it now I just

like I'm like you know my wife says I'm going to my see my mom I'm boom I'm out you know

which is great because you know and so that was and then I came here and then I came here

because you know I got asked to and I do that so that was my day that's what it's like now and

most of the day I was really pretty dang comfortable I got a little nervous sitting

there at the table I don't like that most people don't like buying cars you know I'm not a

grinder or anything and you know but I told him what I wanted and he pretty much said okay and

it worked out really well as I had prayed before I thought about it going smoothly I had pre-thought

that I'm not going to get too nervous you know I'm going to allow it to be okay I'm not going to make

the car salesman a bad guy I had just read something a guy shared that in a spiritual

book I was reading by this guy Ernest Holmes and and it helped me prepare and set my consciousness

at a you know at a place where it made it much simpler than it could have been or had been in

the past where I just would I really I would have got like oh you got to give me a better

rail you got to do it went and it went really nicely and then I got to come here and so what

happened to me was that okay I drank and used from the age of 13 to 24 and I grew up just down the

street I rode up and down this street on my Schwinn bike as a kid until about the age of 13 and my

parents got divorced and before that it was a normal valley kid I looked like is anybody old

enough to remember father knows best leave it to beaver that's what my house looked like that's

what my mom and dad and my brother that's what I look like two kids you know and then it didn't

then my mom will fling with the guy down the guy at the YMCA he looked like Jesus with long hair

and my dad looked like father the guy in father's nose best with a suit and tie and very strict and

then my mom's hanging out with this long-haired Jesus looking dude who teaches aerobics at the YMCA

and I thought life was supposed to be like it went like that and I grow up I go to college

and I wear a suit and tie like my dad but you know the truth is none of that I always always like the

guys that look cool you know too and I really never liked authority I never really understood

why my parents wanted to tell me what to do because I thought I knew best you know so I

was never very teachable and I thought I but that was so that was like a reason to go off when they

separated and then all of a sudden were with my mom and you know and Jesus looking dude he two

years into them being married he gave her an ultimatum the kids are me because we started

getting loaded and we were a handful me and my brother I mean we were both my little brother

started using in elementary school and like turned on the elementary school so we were a handful

and he said that my mom told him thank god to my mom she said sorry bye yeah even we were a problem

we were still so young you know she was not going to choose you know him over us and anyway so

basically is that you know I saw the kids that were looking cool and when we moved out and we

moved into apartment we were right across the street from Birmingham high school in an apartment

on the corner of Balboa and Victory and I saw these guys drive up and I was hanging out with

the kid who lived in that in the apartment next to me didn't know he had gotten high or anything

but these guys drove up in a lowrider car they were older they were in high school or out they

rolled up and I was smoking cigarettes then because I want to be cool like I said I like that cool

look good and they had a joint and they sang and they passed they asked hey have you guys ever

smoked porn and this or whatever and I said of course I said yes you know because I wanted to be

cool I didn't want to look like a nerd or something you know and I watched what they did and I did

what they did and you know and then shortly after that he and this kid um god I think his name was

Ron too my next door neighbor I forgot um we had the opportunity to uh he slept over and so we

raided my uh moms and stepdads at that time they got married their liquor and we drank and drank

a ton like we mixed krobari wine with triple sec and everything like a bunch and like got crazy

we were out in the pool and making havoc in the apartment and then we both got sick I threw up in

my sleep uh and uh and I remember afterwards I went over to his house he went home went over to

his house and he was in bed moaning and groaning and I was like when are we doing this again

you know and I loved it you know um you know that uh I don't know I just you know I had that we

talk about that hole you know in our gut you know I had that something that pain that hole

that's something that needed soothing that needed to be filled and alcohol did it for me so what

makes an alcoholic is that alcohol does something for me that it doesn't do for the normal person

it does it is not the best it is not my wife's best friend it is not like some incredible thing

alcohol to me is like you know it comes first when I'm when I drink it because it does for me

it's just magical what it did for me you know and um and so it starts that phenomenon of craving

that the normal person doesn't have and I I just I can't live without it and to the point I get to

where for me where it got to the point from for from 13 to 24 that I just all I did was was a

heat-seeking missile to get alcohol before I was the age to where I could buy it to beg people to

steal money from my family to get alcohol get people to buy alcohol for me to drink and other

substances you know I mentioned am I not allowed to um my first pacific group meeting I went to the

speaker the first speaker spoke about my he mentioned marijuana and I was sort of grateful

because it's my first I really love that heat-seeking missile you know just and you know

I got thrown out of high school I got married and divorced at 21. I'm just trying to find anything

I work 16 jobs walk off jobs leave at lunch and go have some drinks and a little something and

don't want to go back go back the next day and make up a story oh I got sick I went to that

broach coach and then I was coming back and all of a sudden I felt like tell stories make up things

you know until the point that they're usually I quit before they I think I only got fired once

usually I think I just quit before they fire me I'd stretch it until that point and then leave

and then go find something else luckily I will be somewhat bright and I was able to get jobs

I can add and subtract like real I'm like really a whiz with numbers and I get jobs in offices

even clerical I could do stuff like really easily and so I could get jobs and um but then I just you

know I just the obsession the obsession I have you know the it's an allergy of the body coupled with

an obsession of the mind you see I have a physical allergy that makes my body I physically crave but

I have the manifest in the mind is obsession the mental obsession is craving so you know it's

craving here in the body and craving of the mind is the mental obsession and that's just what drove

me and to the point where I hit that place called pitiful and then pitiful where does it go again

god I just blinked incomprehensible pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization I'm living at

grandma's house for the second time I'm 24 I've been married and divorced already did you say you

were from st martin oh my first wife was from Trinidad and I got arrested for smuggling in that

country I almost didn't make it back that was terrifying that was bad I was on the way from

Trinidad to Barbados and yeah that was not good um but I'll tell you a little something afterwards

that was really cool I met somebody very famous and um and I knew so I was in the middle of a deal

substances and had been drinking and turn up for a few days maybe and it was over in woodland hills

I was working at a plush company toy company that sold smurfs and I sold stuff to guys there and I

was there at a guy's house it was the shipping manager and I had procured some stuff for him and

bought it to him and and uh and while I was there I had my spiritual awakening in the middle of this

happenstance um it became apparent to me that if I didn't grow up I was going to die and that there

was something wrong with me something different from me than these even these guys who I was

partying with that I drank and used differently than they did and um and it's something I'd been

in for a little bit I started to hear stuff on tv I think Betty Ford might have started a year

or two before that not long before that and I heard a little something there was a dodger player

I love the Dodgers there was a dodger player who got in trouble with cocaine I believe or something

but something started to creep in that there was this out there I didn't really know alcoholics

and on a drip you know and I sat and I told these guys you know there's something wrong I just I

can't do this anymore and they they said you know Ron you just gotta stop you know if you just did

this a little of that you got rid of that maybe you'd be okay I said no you don't understand I

and I I knew that if I did anything there was you know there was no little for me and I knew that

without being introduced to any of this the disease or anything and I left and the next day I made I

got up and I made some phone calls and someone directed me to a psychiatrist that they their

father had sent them to and I went to him he was in Westwood and I told him my story you know and

I told him how I felt and I told him what had happened that night before and um and he said uh

you're an alcoholic I believe and there's a program over at St John's hospital a chemical

dependency unit it's a 21-day lockdown program and I think you'd best be served to go to that program

the main thing I am grateful to this man for also is he told me that alcoholism was a lifelong

disease and it would require of me a lifelong solution and I heard that I'd never heard really

anything anybody tried to teach me before you know because all I heard was my disease my need to fill

and how I the solution I had had to to get through life and my fears and everything was to put

alcohol and chemicals into my body and so I was unteachable and unwilling unable and not open

minded at all to hear but I heard this man and I left there and I made some phone calls

insurance and a family member and asked for help and I checked myself in later that evening into

that hospital program and um and I've been sober ever since I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous

there and introduced to the big book and what I did is I started reading that book and like I

said I was really introverted really afraid of people but I was bright I like to read I love to

read so you know all of us can like we can do this program with the things that work for us you know

the way you might the strengths you have as a person and we all have strengths and weaknesses

but you can use yours whatever way to attach to the program maybe you like and are able to be of

service right away maybe you like to be a secretary you know you like to speak different things I like

to read and so I read that book like three times over well in that 21 days that I was there and I

started doing the things that it said in there I started I worked the first step and myself I knew

that I had already worked that first step when it said one we admitted that we were powerless over

alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable one that's what I did when I was sitting in a room

with those guys I had admitted there was something wrong with me I was different from you I was

different from my fellows and then I was introduced to what that fully meant when I got by the

counselors and the book and they had the understanding the disease of alcoholism and I

admitted that and and then they introduced to the part of the unmanageability that was new but that

was I'm living at grandma's house I'm married and divorced at 24. I've worked so many jobs all the

things I thought maybe and the parents thought I could be as a kid none of that came to fruition

because of alcohol and drugs so unmanageability okay yeah and then two came to believe that a

power greater than myself could restore me to sanity the other thing that happened on that

night of my awakening was that I came that I had this feeling that when I stole from my grandmother

when I lived with her from my dad my mom and mostly I stole I stole well I did I used to sell

I used to sell pot to my friend who's sober now I brought him in the program and then when he went

to school I'd call him in his window and steal it back but and I didn't make amends I just said

sorry I just laughed about it so anyway but I mostly stole from my family and I felt bad I

always had a conscience I was brought up with good morals and values but my alcoholism just made me

trample right over them and go against everything I thought or knew because of this need and

something told me if I could ever listen to my heart and if I could ever listen to my conscience

and I could ever listen to this thing that told me there was something wrong with me that I'm

starting to believe is how a higher power speaks to me that pulls on my heartstrings if I could

ever listen to that instead of this obsession and this craving that I could be okay that I would be

okay the way I was looking to be okay with drugs and alcohol to this I'm so that's how I'm restored

to sanity I turn the direction which I'm looking for my happiness it's an inside job you know it's

not in the drugs and alcohol it's not in the car it's not in her it's not in people places and

things happiness is an insight it's something I have and something that I can give and it grows

when the more I give it actually that I have within me and so step three was that I made a

decision to turn my will and my life over to care of this that got me sober that whatever it was

this power that reached out to me and made me feel like you could be okay you know and there's

something wrong with you and like ask for help and made me teachable so I made my decision to do that

and I started that through doing the third step prayer and I did that I got started getting down

on my knees hands and uh and the knees morning and night while I was in the hospital and saying that

prayer and I would say the prayer and then I and I think about what does that mean to turn my will

and my life over I try to when I pray I try not to just say it I try to envision what does that

actually mean what would it look like if I'm freed of my self-will of the bondage of self what would

that feel like to be free of self-concern for you know self-centeredness what would that look like

what it would feel like how might I act differently you know how would it look like and my difficulties

are removed to others you know so it's for a help of that I'm an example you know I could do that

and I did that and then I started working I didn't want to take a fourth step when I got out you know

I'm a procrastinator but I did you know luckily my sponsor said you know nobody takes a cake unless

they've done their four step so at nine months I called him I said we got to do it next to let's

make an appointment you know and we made an appointment for me to read my four step so two

nights before I sat down and I wrote it and I did that and I shared it with my sponsor and what I

got from that is after I read it to him on a beat on the beach in Venice we burned it in the trash

can on the beach there and he said now you're free of that stuff now you know and now you get to

build a new life you get rid of the old stuff and now you can there's more room for your new to

start coming in and I remember walking to a meeting called two plus two on Westwood Boulevard

afterwards remember that one and feeling like I was a part of Alcoholics Anonymous I think because

I took some tangible physical outward steps I've been taking inward action a lot and stuff I've

been going to a lot of meetings I took commitments I've always had commitments and all my sobriety I

don't think I've ever been without a commitment or two a week and I felt a part of you know and

then I you know step six and seven I started looking full of defects you know I had a lot

of old beliefs and you know stuff that came up in my inventory you know the insecurity around

relationships my parents getting divorced you know but I've been able to work through those

with the help of six and seven I went back went to some therapy for a little while one woman who

specialized in relationships to help me with that I've been married I just shared that I have two

kids and the thing with the wife I've been married it'll be 32 years in June which is amazing you

know because my mom used to joke after my first divorce at 24 you're going to be married five

times but at the time you're 30 because any girl that will kiss me I fall in love with you know

and I you know I cleaned up the wreckage of my past like someone you shared about it coming in

with a lot of uh uh I had warrants out for my arrest and unpaid bills and I cleaned those up

right away even pretty much even before I got through six and seven I did things jumped around

I don't believe in that you have to do the steps when they kind of they go in a way but you can

also jump around but you can start meditating uh at any time it's met newcomers have come in and

I do the meditation saturday sunday morning seven rapture uh brand new woman sat down with me for

20 minutes and meditate I'm gonna tell them you can't work the 11 steps no of course you can

so I continue to take personal inventory like I shared that today I watched myself I watched for

when I get disturbed and frustrated anxious little I get a little anxious I watch that mostly that's

my thing I I don't get too disturbed anymore I don't get angry really I get a little anxious

you know with the practice of the stuff so I watch I watch for that and I look what's causing it you

know I question my thinking you know I question it and usually when I question it one of my favorite

spiritual teacher says I don't let go of my thoughts I question my thoughts and they let go

of me you see they let go of me because I show them the truth you know that the things I think

that make me anxious aren't true I just thought they were you know so I question them like I did

this morning the belief that like oh I'm not going to be able to do this deal well uh my wife my I

might look bad to my wife because I didn't handle the car guy really great you know I didn't grind

them and get like the best you know and uh and I said I those are little things that I have somehow

one of the core beliefs was that like I can't do it or if I don't do something really well or if I

disappoint you I'm going to lose your love if I'm not perfect you know somewhere I got that idea and

so I watch for those things and like I said I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my

consciousness I look to empty myself of my self-centeredness and my self-concern and open

myself up to my higher power each and every day and then I go out and I try to share the that with

those in Alcoholics Anonymous and to practice those principles and all my fairs on a daily basis

and for that and for Alcoholics Anonymous I am truly so grateful and so blessed and

love you all thank you very much