From Chaos to Sobriety: Lynn's 23‑Year Journey

- Try.

- I am Lynn, I'm an alcoholic.

My sobriety date is February 16th, 2008.

And I want to thank Kevin for asking me to fill in for him.

And, you know, I try not to say no,

especially if it's a friend.

And if I can help it, I try not to say no to an AA request.

But speaking's not one of my favorite things, you know.

It's not one of my favorite things,

but I do it because I know it's important.

It's important for my recovery.

I know it's important for the new people

and we get to hear different, you know, stories.

And I think that's important for, you know, our recovery.

So I want to welcome our new friends

and I don't think they did chips,

but I want to welcome anybody

that's new to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I'll kind of just go into my story.

I'm going to go into some depth

'cause I know I have some time.

I don't always do that, but we'll see how it goes.

And I see how long I can go.

I was born into an alcoholic family.

My mom was a real alcoholic.

My dad was into a lot of illegal stuff.

He sold drugs and he went to prison a couple of times.

I know at five years old, I walked home

and they had to pick us up and take us to my grandma's house

because they were raiding our house.

And he went to jail for that.

He was receiving stolen property.

And that was, he went to Wayside.

The next time I remember him going to prison

was in 1985, 1984.

He went to Nebraska, stole 100 pounds of marijuana,

thought he was going to make it rich.

And it's illegal to do that.

And he did a year and a half in Nebraska State pen.

He got out in '86 and kind of just changed his life.

He was a normie after he stopped doing drugs

and up until his death a couple of years ago.

My mom, she was a real alcoholic, gone for days at a time.

We stayed, we lived with my mom and she was,

she would leave for days at a time.

She'd come back and she would either be really angry

or she would be really happy.

And you never knew what would tip, kick her off.

She was, can go on a rant and a rave and backhand you

and just do a lot of things that,

it's probably not appropriate.

And there was, yeah, it was pretty chaotic.

We'd wake up and there'd be people sleeping on her floor.

There was a lot of fighting, a lot of drinking,

a lot of drugs.

And honestly, when I started using at 15,

I thought that's just how you live.

I didn't think like, I didn't,

I don't think I had a lot of examples in my neighborhood

of families that sat around the table and plan for college.

Like that was all foreign to me.

I just thought that's how you live.

And 15, I remember having my first drink.

I know I started doing other things before that,

just like a kid does.

But at 15, I remember taking that drink

and I remember how it felt.

I remember feeling comfortable in my skin for once.

I remember not feeling socially awkward.

I remember just fitting in.

And I chased that for a long time.

I used and drank for 23 years.

I've done every drug every which way.

And I had my drugs of choice in the middle there,

alcohol speed and Xanax,

but alcohol was there through the beginning,

the middle and the very end.

I only went to treatment one time and that was in 1996.

I got arrested and you know,

oh, and I wanna thank you for sharing your story.

I feel like you could have been this week,

but you were talking about,

so I went to, I got arrested for,

my parents had just done an intervention.

I had just, I got,

I went through a period where I got really sucked up

and I really looked death like I was dying

and they had an intervention and I was just thinking like,

and I remember saying at the intervention,

like, how can you guys say that?

Like you all do, you've all bought drugs from me.

You've all bought drugs and how are you sitting around

having an intervention?

But I couldn't see what they're saying is that I'm dying

and they're functioning.

They're going to work and they're paying their bills

and I'm not.

I was never a functioning alcoholic or an addict.

I went all in and I stayed there for two decades.

But I remember coming, I was working for my dad off and on

most for about 10, 15 years.

But I remember going, I got arrested.

I went to court for some drugs and I,

and the judge said, you could either go to jail

for nine months or you can go to treatment.

And I was so devastated and I, but I decided treatment.

And I remember going back to my dad's shop and saying,

I'm crying, like, they're going to send me to treatment.

And I remember him like, oh really?

Like he was happy and I couldn't understand why he was happy

that I'm have to go to treatment.

But that was the one and only time that I went to treatment.

I had my son, my son was three years old at that time.

And I went to treatment, my dad took care of my son.

And there was a lot of things that I heard

in that treatment center.

And one of the mentors, a couple of the things they said,

they knew I wasn't ready.

I was court ordered.

I complied.

I said that I believed in God.

I half-assed my steps, you know,

I just kind of went through the motions,

but I remember the mentor or the guy, the owner,

he came up to me and he said, Lynn, when you're in trouble,

you get on your knees, you get below your ego

and you ask God for help.

For some reason that stuck with me.

And I didn't even believe in God.

I was like, you're full of shit.

You know, I didn't, sorry.

I didn't even believe what he was saying.

I didn't believe anything.

I thought alcoholics anonymous are people like my mom,

not for people like me.

I always thought I was different.

My case is different.

But so I complied with that program.

I got out, I completed, I don't know how I did.

I guess some things I learned, you know,

I was introduced to alcoholics anonymous.

I was taken to Pacoima group and San Fernando hall and,

you know, they gave me an introduction and that stuck

with me because I never went to treatment after that.

So three years later, you know, I was in,

I went to work and it was the 4th of July in 2000.

And I, it was the next day.

It was the 5th of July.

And I dropped my son off at my aunt's house.

I went to work, I went in the bathroom.

I took a couple Xanax, I hit the speed pipe, you know,

and I'm thinking this is nothing's changed.

You know, I've been doing the same thing for however long.

And I went to my aunt's,

I sat there with her for probably 30, 40 minutes.

We were talking about him and his day and we got in the car

and you know, he always gave me a hard time

about going in the back seat.

So I put him in the front seat.

I put our seat belts on and I drive down the street

and I wake up in the hospital and I had hit a big rig

that was parked in like North Hollywood Burbank.

And I hit the back of it and I don't remember anything.

But when I woke up, you know, my eyes were swollen shut

and I remember my mom standing over me and I had a catheter

and my face is all busted up.

And then I remember the preacher coming in

saying your son is gone.

And then let me just back up.

Five months before that I found my boyfriend

had committed suicide in my bathroom.

And so I was still grieving from that.

And I remember I went to, I was going to therapy.

I was going to therapy and she was like,

you gotta watch out because you could get in accidents,

you know, or you could break a leg.

Like a lot of stuff happens

when you've had that kind of tragedy.

And I was like, oh, that's not gonna happen to me, you know.

And then five months later, you know, I get in my accident.

I get arrested, I go to USC.

I'm there for, I don't know, a month or so.

And then I go to court

and they give me six years with halftime.

I go to Chowchilla, I'm there for two years.

I'm out of my mind, you know, I'm lost the will to live.

I don't even see that purpose anymore

but I'm going through the motions.

I can't take my own life because of my parents

and I couldn't do that to them.

So I go to fire camp my last year, I get out in 2003.

And in my great ideas is that I could still drink

because my DUI was not alcohol.

So in my mind, I'm thinking I could still drink.

And my dad being somewhat of pretty much a normie,

my mom knows, you know, you can't let her do anything

but my dad's an enabler

and I went to go live in a guest house behind him.

And he was like, you know, what's the big deal?

She has a couple drinks and they had a party for me,

I drank and, you know, for six months, I was, you know,

just tried to drink.

And that turned, just got worse and worse and worse.

And then I went back to my drugs of choice.

And then for the next five years, I'm off and running.

So I had two traumatic things happen, you know,

and then that last five years, there was just, you know,

I think I was going through the motions,

trying to find my place, find, you know,

I had no friends left, I, nobody really,

my family even kind of didn't want anything to do with me.

They just saw that I was still going down that road

after what happened, like, how can you do that?

And even though they're all addicts and alcoholics,

I think they're very forgiving and they want to be there,

but it's like, they're at their wits end.

And I just remember just the looks,

I can remember the looks in my dad's face, you know,

and I remember the one time he's like, you're a junkie.

And I was like, that hurt my heart so much.

'Cause it was like, he knows, he knows, you know,

I always thought that I could hide it, you know.

And so right before I got sober, I met a guy and he's like,

if you want to be with me, you got to quit using drugs.

And he moved to Kansas, so I tried to quit the drugs

and just drink and I moved to Kansas.

I put everything in storage and I went out there

and I tried to just drink, that didn't work.

Well, it worked because I just kept drinking more

and more and more.

You take away the drugs and I'm just a man, you know,

crazy woman and I would do crazy things.

And my, I was angry and I was not a pretty drunk.

And by the time I left, the boyfriend was like,

you got to go.

And that was, I can still see the look in his eyes

and I was begging him, please don't, I don't want to go back

and I'll go get my shit together, I'll come back.

And he's just like, you got to go, get.

So I ended up driving back here and, you know,

I tried to like manage for a couple months

of like couch surfing and doing these things.

And I finally ended up at a sober living in the guest house

and they weren't really managing the guest house.

So I was still drinking in there for like the first 30 days.

I was drinking in there and then, you know,

I had remembered about hitting your knees

and I was walking by the front house

and the front house had women and children sober living.

And I was living in the guest house by myself

and my mom, my dad owned the property,

kind of long story with that.

But I remember my mom telling the manager,

just let her be, let her, you know, let her be.

And that's what I wanted, I just wanted them

to leave me alone, you know, whatever, let me do this.

You know, I thought I was righteously, that's my dad's house

you know, and so they left me alone, but I was walking by

and when the lady said, do you wanna go to a meeting?

And I was like, no.

And I'm like dying inside, like, and she's like,

I go to meetings even when I don't wanna go to meetings.

And for some reason that made me change my mind that day.

And I went to the Valley Club and I remember hitting

my knees and crying and ask God for help.

I didn't know what kind of help.

I didn't want Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't wanna stop drinking or use it or stop using.

I wanted to still be able to do that.

I just didn't wanna wanna die every day.

And, but I was asking for help and I didn't know

what the help and I remember asking my mom like,

how do you live?

I don't know how to live sober.

She's like, you follow the women of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And she was too close to me to try to help me

'cause oh, I kind of left that part out.

My mom got sober in 1993.

She'd been sober ever since.

So she's got 31 years, 94, she's got 31 years sober

and she was an excellent example of this program.

And the last 13 years of me out there,

she was always trying to whisper Alcoholics Anonymous

in my ear.

And she would say, you have a daily reprieve,

contingent base of your spiritual condition.

And I was like, what does that mean?

Like, I don't know.

And she was trying to give me some direction

without trying to be too overbearing.

And, but she said, you follow the women.

And that's what I did.

I went to the Valley Club and I got that three o'clock

meeting and I think I was secretary

for the first two years.

I was begging God every day to take away this obsession.

I was hitting my knees and I was acting

as if I believed in God.

I did not believe in God, but I was acting like I did.

And eventually, it just came.

And so that first couple of years was just meetings,

two and three, sometimes four a day on the weekends.

I got a crappy little telemarketing job.

And I just had a routine and I just went to work.

I got home at 1230, I went to the meeting,

sometimes at six o'clock and I did the same thing every day.

And then every day, just begging God,

take away this obsession.

And I was crazy and I was crying

and I couldn't hold my emotions.

I couldn't, I was not, I couldn't get level.

Sitting outside the Valley Club, I just remember crying

and I'm not a crier, I'm not.

But I needed to like let all of this out.

I've been holding it for so long.

And I remember looking for a sponsor, I finally found a lady

and I was so desperate to not feel that way anymore.

And I was so miserable and my head wouldn't shut up.

And I would listen to Eckhart Tolle CDs at night

to try to quiet my mind and meditate

and just trying to do all this stuff

and trying to go to sleep

'cause I couldn't sleep for a long time.

And then, so I found this lady,

she took me through the steps

and each step was giving me relief.

I had been around my mom long enough to know

that the 12 steps were important, that God was important,

that these things were important for me to work my program.

I, and I just, like I said,

I pretended like I knew what I was doing.

I followed other women.

I pretended like if they were laughing,

I was laughing that whole thing.

That was true for me too, you know?

And so every day I was calling her.

I, okay, I did my step one, what's next?

Every day, what's next?

What's next?

And you know, she was the kind of sponsor

that didn't sit down with me and read.

And I definitely needed more than that,

but I did my steps to the best of my ability.

She gave me the books, I'd do the steps.

And I was like, well, I don't even know what I'm doing.

It's like Spanish to me, but she got me through

and we did all 12 steps

and I was still just as crazy as I was before.

And you know, take away the drugs and alcohol,

I'm still just a mess, you know?

So the first two years I was in a paralyzing fear,

I felt like I was debilitatingly scared, you know?

And, but I would go to that meeting

and I stayed in my little safe bubble

and to the meeting to work back,

to the meeting to work back.

I started managing that sober living,

which I don't even know how people stayed sober.

I was so crazy, but I'm still there today.

You know, go figure.

But, so every day I'm like just one day at a time,

one minute at a time, one second at a time.

And that turned into six months.

And I remember coming home from my sponsor's house.

We had just finished the fifth step

'cause every day I'm calling her, what's next?

What's next?

And I did it to the best of my ability.

And coming home from her house,

and I remember like, wow, I'm really doing this.

Like I could never stay sober unless I was in prison.

I could never, I never get one day,

three minutes or anything.

And I remember like, oh wow, it's like coming, you know?

And I feel good.

And at some point I wanted to be sober

more than I wanted to be loaded.

And that was a miracle.

That when they say don't leave before the miracle,

the miracle's when your obsession is lifted.

I got invited to Joe Gomez's book study.

If anybody knows, he was an old timer with a lot of years.

And if you know him, you know him.

And I got to go to his book study for like a year

of just solid reading that book.

I met my second sponsor when I was year and a half,

almost two years.

And I was crying once again at a meeting and you know,

and she was like, why don't you let me sponsor you?

And her name was Jackie McIntyre.

She died with 35 years sober.

She just passed away maybe two years ago now.

But I stayed with her.

She was my sponsor for 13 years.

She taught me the big book.

She gave me a working knowledge

to be able to take other women through the steps.

And that first year I got enough to get to a year and a half

but at two years I needed more.

And I also remember going to,

I went to Gloria Montgomery's house for,

we used to go to a meeting over there once a week

and I was crying over there.

And she's like, you know,

there's no growth in guilt and shame.

And for some reason that made me start changing the way I,

I started to share my son's story

and it started to feel, you know, take a relief.

I could say it without crying.

I could say it without it breaking me down.

And so, so yeah, all of those.

And then Jackie McIntyre and she stayed,

I stayed with her for 13 years.

She, we did workshops on Drop the Rock and Back to Basics

and the big book, the 12 and 12, all kinds of

Joe and Charlie CDs.

We did a workshop for years and years

and I would go to women's, the women to women retreats

and the spirit retreat and, you know, two retreats a year.

And I got to go with my mom to the women to women retreat.

And, you know, I got to make amends to my family.

And I have one cousin that didn't go so well.

He still blamed me.

We used to get loaded together and I got sober and he didn't.

I think he got mad about that.

He would definitely, you know, take me back to that place

at any moment, but all my other amends went well

and I got to make every amends every which way

over this last 17 years.

And, you know, my mom, there was a lot of childhood trauma

and I blamed her and I blamed her for a long time.

But through the process of especially us having

this connection, 'cause we have family,

but some of them just stopped, but we're in the 12 steps.

And so we have that connection.

We have a way better relationship than we ever had

in my life since she lives almost directly behind me

on the street behind me.

And so we live close and we have a really good relationship.

But I remember blaming her and my sponsor telling me like,

you know, you have to look at her life.

And I started to examine her life

and she had a really, really hard life.

Her mom abandoned her for, I don't know, 10 years

with her grandparents and they abused her.

And her uncles abused her.

And, you know, like who, she didn't have the tools.

She did the best she could with what she had.

And it started to make me be able to forgive

and not hold that grudge.

And then my dad, so I said he owned the property

at that sober living.

And, you know, I got to make every amends to him possible.

And I try to the last 17 years not ask my parents

for a thing because they did so much for me out there.

And, you know, I put them through a lot.

So I always try to ask them, what can I do for you?

I try to be of service whenever I was with them.

And so my dad shared this that my dad died

two and a half years ago and I got to stop my life

and I got to go there and stay with him by his bedside

for the last three weeks of his life.

And, you know, just comfort him.

And in that three weeks, there was times that he was

on oxygen that he couldn't speak.

And I just sat there with him, me and my sister.

But there was times that he could and he got to,

we got to say everything that wasn't said.

There was nothing left unsaid with my father.

And there was some things that happened to me as a child

that he, that was his friend's son.

And when I told him back when I was in that treatment center,

I told him and he kind of dismissed it.

And he, I don't know if he dismissed it, he was a good dad.

He, I don't, I think he just didn't know how to acknowledge

it and he was probably couldn't protect his daughter.

And that was his baby, you know, at five years old.

Like, and so I don't know what his thinking was,

but he brought that up and we got to talk about that.

And that was a lot of healing there.

And that was really the only thing I could ever say

about my dad and our relationship that hurt me the most

because we were always so close and that always bothered me,

you know, but I never said anything.

But we got to talk about that and I got to make,

like I said, every man's possible.

So, you know, over the last 17 years,

so much has happened, you know, it's not always easy.

And if you have any significant amount of time, you know,

that life happens, you know, we get jobs, we lose jobs,

we lose family, we lose our parents,

we lose people to addiction.

We, you know, I've been working in treatment

for some time now and in the sober living,

and I've seen a lot of people die.

And I think I'm a lot harder.

I'm not as sensitive to it anymore.

It's almost like I remember an old timer telling me

a long time ago, like, don't be surprised when they relapse,

like be surprised when they stay sober.

And so that's kind of my mindset is like, yeah,

when they stay sober and they're doing the work

because we see, you know, I'm sure you all see,

like people around us that are just on the sidelines.

They're just here to get their court card.

They're here because their parents,

they're here because their kids won't talk to them,

whatever the reason, you know,

but it's the ones that take the action.

It's not for people who need it, it's for people who do it.

You know, it's obviously for people who want it,

but if you want it and you don't do it,

that's, we're not gonna stay, you know.

So I remember sitting at my sister's shop,

I got to make amends to her.

She had an appliance store and I, for seven years,

I went to her shop and I worked for her for two hours,

two or three hours a day,

once a week for seven years for free.

And I did that as one of my amends to her

because I put her through a lot.

And then I gave her a dog and I said,

this is our final amends.

The dog she fell in love with, it was my dog,

but she fell in love with him, a little puppy.

So, and you know, I just try to even the playing field

or try to do my best, not that it'll ever be even,

but I try to do my best to even the playing field

with my family, try not to cause damage.

Although I still do, you know, every once in a while

I have character defects and you know, they never go away,

but you know, we just, we tame them, I guess.

We ask God to remove them and sometimes he does.

And sometimes those defects turn into assets.

And sometimes we hold on to them for a little while

until they cause us enough pain until we ask God

and he sees fit that it's time to remove them.

And you know, and some I've just sat on, you know,

for all this time, I get to sponsor women today.

The gift that Jackie McIntyre gave me was the gift

to take other women through these steps and this process.

And, you know, that sober living,

I have a manager that works there

and I kind of just oversee it.

And I guess you call it a director, owner, operator,

you know, who would have thought, you know,

that I would have been able to stay sober this long

to be able to do that.

What else, you know,

I had a crappy little telemarketing job,

that crappy little telemarketing job

when I was six years sober.

He gave me an office, he gave me a salary,

he gave me medical and then go figure,

you know, at a telemarketing.

But I was obviously a good employee.

So for that last six years, so I was there 12 years,

I had my own office, I had it pretty good.

And I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere

and I kind of put off going to school and you know,

and then COVID hit and then we got laid off.

I went back to school, I got my GED

and then I started Pierce and I'm almost done with Pierce.

I've been in school part-time,

the last almost five years, four, five years.

And, you know, like this girl is not recognizable

from the person who came in.

I remember being scared as hell going back to school.

I always thought that I couldn't learn.

I thought that I had maybe had a learning disability

because I never tried.

I never tried, I always had Ds in school

and I stopped going really in 10th grade

and never went back 'cause I found, you know,

drugs and alcohol and just, you know, full force into that

and never had a need to go back to school.

And, you know, my dad got to see all that too, you know.

He had 15 years of a sober daughter, you know,

and that's the same with my mom.

She got 15 years of a sober daughter.

That's a lifetime.

I think my next goal is like having 23 years

'cause that's how long I used to drink.

It's like, if I can get to 23 years,

I feel like that's, at least we're, you know,

making some improvements, you know, for my life.

And I don't ever, I don't wanna die drunk and loaded.

I have so many family members that have never seen me high

and, you know, nieces and nephews

that don't know that person.

And then I have some nieces and nephews

that are a lot older and they've seen that person.

And, you know, that's my gift to my families, you know,

having that living amends.

You know, the 12 steps changed my life.

My, I got to clean my side of the street.

I got to build a relationship with God

that's definitely changed over the years.

And, you know, I wouldn't say it's a religious God,

it's definitely spiritual.

But, and I get to carry the message to other alcoholics

and be of service.

You know, I've done a lot of community events

and a lot of things to be of service in the community.

And I got to go to the high school

and I can't remember Burroughs High School.

And I told my son's story in front of 1900 kids, you know,

at a every 15 minute event.

And if you don't know what that is,

it's somebody is dies or is in an accident

or gets hurt in an accident every 15 minutes

under the influence.

And, you know, just try to do my best to be a good citizen.

And, you know, I pay my bills and I got good credit

and I pay my insurance and I'm gonna wrap it up.

But, you know, this program has definitely given me a life

beyond what, what did they say?

If you, you'll shortchange yourself.

If you, if I would have thought, if I would have,

if I would have got what I wanted,

what I thought I wanted when I got here,

I would have definitely shortchanged myself

because I've gotten way more than I could ever, you know,

what did they say to, you know,

I thank God I didn't get what I deserved, you know?

And so God has, through his grace and his mercy

has given me a life that I don't deserve, you know?

So I don't wanna let him down.

But anyway, I hope I didn't go on too long

or I didn't, I hope you guys got something out of that.

And I wanna appreciate,

I wanna say thank you again for having me.

And yeah, thanks a lot.

- Good night, (indistinct)

- Good night. - Thank you so much.

Great meeting, bye-bye.