Tina's Journey: From Childhood Sips to Lasting Sobriety

Nate needs some tissues, if that's okay.

Oh, they're right here.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh, there's so many here too.

I would assume.

Yeah, give me the little box.

Okay.

Thank you.

My name is Tina and I'm an alcoholic.

It's an honor, as Scott said, it's an honor and a privilege to be in a room with Recovering

Alcoholics.

You know, and I'm really pleased to be here tonight.

Nate, thank you for asking me to share.

I respect and appreciate your patience and tenacity very much and glad to be here tonight.

What it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

Oh, sorry, I'm not used to wearing a negative, my face is doing it.

So there we go.

I remember, first of all, my sobriety date is May 13th of 1991, been around for a while

and very grateful for that, you know, but I realized that today, today is the day that

I need to concentrate on and put my energies into.

So it's one day at a time.

Alcoholism ran in my family.

My dad was the alcoholic, my mother was the untreated Al-Anon.

Oh, Tom started to feel the drink and she'd push it away and there's more for me, you

know.

So I always thought that drinking was acceptable.

I thought it was a part of the party, you know, and my parents were entertainers.

And my dad called himself a vocal musician, professional singer, my mother retired from

that she had kids to concentrate on having a family, raising a family, but I still learn

some crazy behavior from her as well, untreated Al-Anon she was.

My dad would come home from work.

The first thing he would do, he'd kiss my mother.

Hello.

He'd go straight to the liquor cabinet for himself.

He had, what is it?

Early times or something of that brown liquor that was gross, but not my, not my thing.

And he would make a picture of martinis or margaritas, you know, my mother would have

her sips and some of the neighbors would come over and the party would be on.

So I associated drinking and alcohol and any other substance abuse that came up within

my career of using as a party, as a good time.

It was always fun.

And like you said, we got to the turning point when it stopped where it turned on me and

it became a full time job that I had to pay to do, which was, that was crazy.

But anyway, I remember, or I was told, well, I kind of remember this.

The first time I got drunk, I was four and we went to a company picnic.

The after SAG union gave them to, it was an apart, not far from here.

And I went around with my sippy cup and I was like, Oh, let's give her a little taste

of Schlitz or Pabst blue ribbon beer.

That's how long ago that was.

And of course I'm only about three feet tall.

I don't know how much I weighed, but I was just a little four year old and it didn't

take long for those sips of the sippy cup to get me hammered.

And I came back to the, finally came staggered back to the blanket where my mother was and

I couldn't hold my head up.

And my mother's like, Oh, Tom, something's wrong with Tina's neck.

Well, the professional alcoholic that he was, he came over and he goes, Oh, it's okay.

She's just drunk.

Let her lay down and sleep it off.

My mother was mortified, but that was just, that was the beginning.

And then fast forward, I come into AA and I read in the doctor's opinion that men and

women and apparently four year olds drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol.

I love the effect produced by alcohol, you know?

And I remember continuing to, you know, hold my cup out my glass out when I was too young

to get my own adult serving.

It was my grandmother's what was it she drew vodka gimlets.

I liked the taste of those, my grandfather's beer, and then my dad would give me sips of

little things here and there, you know, so I couldn't wait until I could get my own adult

size serving of alcohol.

And that happened.

I was still living at home.

I would, I'd go out to the bars with my older brothers, just my mother and my dad, my older

brother and myself that composed of our family.

And we would go out to the bars, we'd go out to the Black Angus and to Stuart Anderson's

Black Angus and all these other bars, Jeremiah's over on Parthenia, all these places that were

within stumbling distance of where we parked our cars and get hammered.

And my brother wasn't very careful.

He would, we would drive, I would drive separately and he would drive separately and we'd meet

there and he would be, I remember one time, let me back up, we were driving back down

Parthenia, a stretch of Parthenia between like Lindley and Balboa where there's not

a lot of, it's all houses, not a lot of businesses and not a lot of lights.

And he was literally going from one curb to the other, to the other and I'm like, dude,

you need to pull over.

We finally made it home, you know, and I made him a hose, I made him a pillow with a garden

hose on the front so he could sleep it off.

And so consequently he got pulled over and I didn't get pulled over by the police.

He got pulled over and got the, the get well card, the card, the court card that you have

to have signed.

And I remember going to a meeting with him early on and this was one of the meetings

up by Balboa and Plummer.

And we went in there and I remember looking around, all these poor people, they just wasting

their Saturday, Friday night or Saturday night sitting in here, actually looked happy, but

I wasn't seeing that part of it, you know?

And I was so busy.

I was thinking I got to go out to the bathroom and pack my nose, you know, or whatever we

were doing.

And of course we were ready to go as soon as the meeting was over and the secretary

made it very clear, we will not sign your card until the meeting is over.

So we stayed there through the whole meeting.

I sat so close to the door, it was practically sitting outside the room and I just, I didn't

get it.

I didn't hear any of the recovery.

I didn't hear anything that was being said there.

I wasn't ready yet.

I was too busy, still chasing the buzz and liking the effect produced by Alpha.

And that was my first experience in an AA meeting.

And I was engaging in activities and that most normal, clear-headed thinking women would

not even consider doing.

I would put myself in situations that were so dangerous.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm really lucky that I lived to talk about it, you know, and I remember finally

I got arrested for doing one of these behaviors, one of these things to get the money, to get

the drugs, to get the alcohol, whatever.

If the guy that stopped me had the drugs and the alcohol, it was one less step I had to

take, you know, but mainly it was just getting the money.

And I got arrested for that, went to Van Nuys jail and spent five days at Van Nuys jail

eating cardboard food and got out, went to court and he said, okay, your first offense,

time served, you're on one year probation.

That didn't slow me down.

Excuse me.

That didn't slow me down.

I went right back out there and continued the same thing, you know, and they say that

this disease gets progressive, it's progressive.

So I had ramped up the pace and I was out there ripping and running and, and just going

crazy.

And I was out in an area, really bad area.

I got arrested one more time for the same thing.

I just was, Oh, I was just careless.

I was reckless.

I wasn't the invention violated probation by one day took me to jail, second offense

and went down to Sybil brand and served 36 days out of 60 day sentence sitting in nine

upper bunk.

And I'm sitting there going, wow.

Is it come to this?

I can't believe it.

I had a quick moment of clarity or a quick moment of thinking, I think I need to do something

different.

But when I finally got out of jail, it didn't slow me down.

I went right back out to rip it and run out again.

You know, it just was so crazy.

Finally I came home.

I was living at my parents' house and I came home one night or one afternoon and my key

didn't fit in the door and my dad came to the door and he said, you can't live here

anymore.

So I said, why, what's wrong?

And he says, you took me outside to the curb, to the curb.

And he said, your mother and I think you have a problem with alcohol and drugs.

I said, yeah, I keep running out.

And I knew, I knew deep down that there was a problem.

Nate, can you hand me my bottle of water?

Thank you.

And I knew that there was a problem.

I knew deep down that there was a problem.

I didn't know how to change it.

I had no clue.

Excuse me.

And my dad said, if you want to come in here and sleep this off, the only way we'll let

you in is if you agree to go to the employee assistance program and meet with the director

of my union and talk to him about getting a bed and a recovery home.

My life is going to be completely different.

Well, it needed to be different.

It needed to change.

And I agreed to do that.

And the next morning we woke up and we drove down to the, the, the union hall and I met

at the wound and he kept on asking me, he was so patient.

He was so patient and kind being his assistant Lee and they, they kept on asking me, Tina,

are you an alcoholic?

I'm like, you're not paying attention.

I'm addicted to crack and they need to learn how to drink, right?

No, no, no.

Let's just, just talk about it a little bit more.

And they were so patient and kind and finally I said, the light bulb, I think my light bulb

in my head that turns on ideas is an energy site saver both really dim.

Then all of a sudden I'm like, I need to tell these people that I'm an alcoholic in order

to get this bed.

And I hesitantly said, yeah, Tina, I'm an alcoholic.

Something deep inside me knew that that was something I was going to say repeatedly for

a long time and that it was going to be healing and helpful.

But at that moment it was just really humiliating.

And he said, okay, well he got me a bed at friendly house down at fourth and Normandy,

which is crazy.

It was right around the corner from the dealers, you know, and I thought, what can I do down

here?

Tie me to the bed for God's sakes.

You know, I stayed in that recovery home for the full 60 day term, they had a mandatory

meeting for the residents on a Friday night and we went out to the Plymouth Wilshire meeting.

I don't even know if that meeting is still, it's down in LA.

We went there on a Saturday night, but the Friday night meeting mandatory for the residents.

I sat in that meeting.

So the first meeting where I really heard the message and there were all the residents

of the house and a couple of women that came in who were previous residents and they told

my story.

And when we finally stood, and my mouth was hanging open, you know, and we finally stood

up and said the Lord's prayer, keep coming back.

It works if you work it.

And I started to cry.

And at that moment, I knew that I had conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic

and there was no turning back.

There was no change.

Like I said, I stayed in that recovery home for the full 60 days.

I got out, started going to meetings all over the San Fernando Valley.

Wasn't willing.

I was working with a sponsor of wasn't willing to do steps.

I just thought I would get this through osmosis, showing up and suiting up and showing up and

being in meetings.

And at nine months sober, I had this novel idea to go down to the hood where I used to

use a drink and show them what a nine month shift looks like nine months sober.

You know, that's like trying to cut down a tree with two broken arms.

That's not going to work.

And so I drove all the way down there and my sponsor at the time said you had made a

decision that you were going to drink and use before you even got in your car.

And I thought, OK, then I went down there and the guy that I used to use and drink with

saw me.

Hey, Tina, come over here.

Where you been?

It's the white girl that has all the money.

And he got in the car and he had a crack pipe and a big 64 ounce of old English 800 handed

him to me.

And I took them like I had never stopped.

There's a story in the big book or a line in the big book where the guy says, I beat

my head on hand on the bar going, what happened?

I hadn't even thought of the consequences.

We drove back to my apartment all the way from South Central L.A. to get the rest of

my rent money to continue using.

That's how I spent Mother's Day in 1991 out with a crack pipe.

And when I came back and I was so mortified, I had enough exposure to AA into this program

to know that I told and I got on the phone the first thing on Monday the 13th and I called

no Sunday was that that day on Mother's Day and I called the central office and this woman

said, she says, my name is so-and-so when I'm an alcoholic and I said, I can't believe

what I've done, you know, and I knew from newcomers that came into meeting that came

in and they were so mortified by having gone out that of course we welcome you back in

the rooms.

I said, can I come back?

Will it be able to come back?

She said, of course.

Meet me at a meeting Monday the 13th of May, 1991 and went to Studio 12.

And there's a long drive, if you remember that when it was in the in the garage of the

recovery home, long driveway to go down there, that was the longest road.

It was like the green mile for me.

And I got there and and I stood up as a newcomer and a lot of people that I've been going to

that meeting with that saw me take that my lunch.

What happened, Tina?

And I had to say I had to get up and talk about it and say what happened and get humble

and get willing to surrender and be restored to sanity, you know, so just my goodness,

I got a sponsor from that meeting, not from that meeting, I got a sponsor at that time,

my home group is sober cells, Wednesday night women's day now on zoom, some of my ladies

are here from sober cells.

And the sponsor that I had been told me she said you need to start working steps and I

got into that.

I got started starting the steps.

She said you need to take commitments, you need to be involved.

That is what's going to be the glue between you and your fellowship and the group.

You know, and I remember I was going to a Tuesday night meeting, and they were doing

the commitment rotations at me, and they got a new sponsor, they got the new take person,

and they got the new greeter and all of that, you know, and Mike goes, Oh, Tina, and I just

take him a 60 day chip.

And he goes, Tina, I nominate Tina to be the treasurer and I'm like, Oh, no, no, I don't

give you any money.

I'm an alcoholic.

For God sakes, how much is in there?

Let's see what that is.

And I took that commitment and I kept that commitment that what they told me what you've

been telling me was let us love you until you can love yourself.

And they said, let us trust you until you can trust us.

And something I don't know what happened.

It turned into a vapor, it went into my head down to my heart.

And that kept me keeping that commitment for the full six months.

I actually kept it a little bit longer, never once messed with that money went on to do

other service commitments.

It was it was remarkable how much service and commitments really, really anchored me

into this fellowship.

You know, I became the intergroup rep for for sober sales.

I got involved in on the board of directors, you know, went in and we were updating and

rewriting the bylaws.

And I'm like, Oh, my God, I've been in here longer than they're supposed to be in here.

Worked with a couple of girls right now, I've got a couple of spouses.

And I'm telling you, this program saved my ass.

You know, sorry, I'm not supposed to say that, right?

That's right.

I'm trying to think of other words that start with F in case I slip.

In case I slip with the language, not anything else.

But today, I I am so I host three meetings on zoom.

We don't go to live meetings, it's really a pleasure to be here in the energy of actual

live people looking, looking at you and feel your the warmth of your presence, you know,

and all of you on zoom as well, for God's sakes, you guys are terrific.

So I host the host three meetings a week, I am of service, I answered the phones remotely

from the central office.

And sometimes there's nobody that calls with the one person that calls that needs some

needs something like I called when I came in, and when I came back.

Can I come back?

I want to be there for that person that does that that calls it's just so feel so dejected.

My God, what did I do?

You know, am I supposed to talk for another 15 minutes?

13 minutes?

Okay.

Anyway, just so important for me to to stay connected, to stay connected to this group

to stay connected to the fellowship to be involved in service.

And when they asked me to leave the meeting, I was really nervous by coming to a live meeting.

You know, I had to wear a dress, like I own one, you know, so I look presentable and nice.

But being able to respect the group and respect the fellowship, respect alcoholics anonymous

by doing what is asked of me and suiting up and showing up being a part of, you know,

no matter what it is, I mean, there's a part of something I've also learned self care,

you know, I mean, when I was a kid, my mother's big thing was impression management.

I think that was one of her her thing.

She was addicted to impression management.

So I grew up thinking that if I didn't do things, even if I did what she asked me to

do, if I didn't do it the way she wanted to do that it was wrong, you know, and that took

a lot to get past, you know, I recognize a lot of the triggers that I had that sent me

out to drink and use.

And still, they sometimes come up, you know, sometimes some meetings will go, that's an

outside issue.

No, if it's something that could be a trigger for me to drink or use, it's not an outside

issue.

But I can make sure that I talk about it in the right context and to the right people,

you know, my sponsor is makes it really clear to me how important it is to prayer and meditation

and to do that daily and try to do that on a daily basis.

And the two most important prayers I will replace in the morning.

Thank you.

Just short and sweet and simple.

That's it.

You know, gosh, I don't know what else I can say.

I'm running out of things to say.

Do you have sharing here after the if no, you don't Okay, it's definitely done.

It's just done when I'm done.

You know, I'm so grateful to be sober.

I'm so grateful.

All of the things that I went through in my life, no matter how I look at them, no matter

how much they might make me cry or shudder, like, Oh, my God, I'm glad I'm alive to talk

about it.

They talk about three things that can happen to jails, institution and death.

Well, I'm still conscious and vertical.

So their death hasn't happened yet.

Not sure when my checkout time is, but whatever, it's coming sometime.

But jails and hospitals, you know, and all those things.

I mean, my story should be in the back of the book where they nearly lost it all that

part that section.

I'm just gonna say something else, I just went out of my head anyway, I'm just so grateful

to be sober.

I'm so grateful that I found this fellowship, I'm so grateful that I'm willing to be of

service and be involved and sit here in a room and look at all of your faces and see

all of you wonderful people on zoom.

And and just when I think that I've got it is when something will happen and all sudden

like you said that trigger will come up, answer, let me do this, you know, no, that's that's

like think the drink through the paper, think through, you know, and make sure I don't go

in that direction.

And that's what I'm so grateful for the phone risks, being able to reach out to the fellows

that I that I've really bonded with that I can call and talk, talk with.

There's a story in the back of the book that talks about the man was talking about how

life has its ups and downs, there's good days, there's bad days, that's just a matter.

That's just part of being on this planet.

But my sobriety has to have a life of its own, it has to have a separate life of its

own.

So I'm in the no matter what club, I don't drink or use no matter what.

And I think I'm done.

I thank you all for letting me share.

Thank you for your tenacity, as I said, and appreciate you all being here.

Thank you.