Finding Direction: Julie’s Journey from Masking to Sober Recovery

Hi I'm Julie, I'm an alcoholic. Hi Julie. How's my camera? Oh wait, that's better.

Hi Julie, alcoholic. That is worth repeating. So I'm not a fan of doing this.

And just so you know, before I start, Nate did give me the memo about the swearing. I will tell

you I'm a lot more comfortable swearing than sharing. Don't blame Nate. He did his best.

So there's no place for this. Here we go. So I'm a drunk. I mean, I was born without directions.

I didn't know how to be at all in my skin. I just didn't. And I just, I was born uncomfortable.

That's all I can tell you. And I don't remember being comfortable until I took a drink. So,

and I just didn't know what to do with all of this, all of this, all of this, anything going on.

You know, I just, I had that feeling from the moment I was born that everybody else got the

directions but me. Everybody knew what was going on. They knew how to talk to each other. They knew

how to fit in. They knew how to belong. And I did not. And the only thing, there were two things

that made me okay in my skin. And ironically, both of them involved me not being me. So I started

doing theater really young. I wasn't an actor or anything, but I was working backstage. But

I'd love that you could walk into that space and you could be anywhere. You could go anywhere for

two hours. You could be anything. And I dove into that for as long as I could and did tech theater

for, I don't know, technically I'm still sort of doing it. But, and then I took a drink and it was,

it was so much easier. It was a lot of work to not be in my skin before that. It was, it was,

only alcoholics will get how much discomfort you're willing to go through to feel comfortable.

So I did school. I did booze. I did anything to not be me until it started killing me. Right. And,

and blackouts waking up with people I wouldn't have lunch with. I have no idea how I never got

arrested because I drove drunk all the time and I got pulled over all the time. And, you know,

LAPD is not fair, man. If you're young and somewhere on the cute spectrum, they will not

arrest you. So, so I have this thing that's going on with me right now and, and, and bear with me

because I promise I'm going to connect it, but, um, I've been in some pain lately and, uh, it's

bursitis and I've been treating it and I was reading up on it and it said, you have to be

really careful with bursitis because it's masking the real injury. That's what my alcoholism was. I

was masking the real injury. So, and my real injury is life. I don't want to live life on life's

terms. I don't want to have these feelings. I don't want to talk to you people. I don't want to

anything. And so that's really what alcohol has always been for me is this buffer between me and

you. Cigarette smoke works great. Still that literally makes a physical buffer between other

people and keeps people away. Um, so when I was done and I was done right, um, I was 24 years old.

I, um, was blackout drinker from the time I was, I don't know, 14, uh, did a bunch of stuff. I said

I was never going to do, it's all the things right. I'll know I'm an alcoholic if I've maxed out my credit

cards. And then I maxed out my credit cards and I'll know I'm an alcoholic if, uh, I, you know,

sleep with that guy I swore I was never going to sleep with. And then I wake up there and then I

got to move the bar again. Right. Because I have to keep drinking because I have to, it is the only

thing keeping me upright because I can't do anything without it. Um, you know, um, I, um,

alcohol when I came in here was my mother, my father, my best friend, my higher power. It was

absolutely all that I had and it was everything. So when I was dating a guy, I call him Mr. Right

Now. Um, he, uh, I was realizing I had a problem and not doing anything about it. I made him so

crazy. He went back to meetings and, um, he had told me about this meeting and I hadn't had a

drink for three days. And, uh, I was 15 years sober when I figured this out, but I was having DT. So

I was having auditory hallucinations. And, um, I heard a voice in my head said very clearly,

you know, you can go to that meeting. He told you about, you can drive to the end of your street or

if, or you can go to Hollywood and you can drink all weekend. Cause it was Memorial day weekend.

And, you know, and at night when the bar closes, you can sleep in the alley. And if you're not

lucky enough to get killed overnight, you can just try again the next day. And it was just like, um,

I think it's going to rain. Like it was just this, Hey, let's go die. And, um, and that's great.

So I got dressed to go to the bar and I didn't know if I was going to go to the bar or the

meeting. And I drove to the end of my street and I didn't know if I was going to go to the

bar or the meeting. And instead of turning right to go to Hollywood, I turned left to go to the

meeting. And, um, and then I couldn't find the meeting and I got lost and I drove past this big

neon triangle in a circle, like a hundred times. I just didn't know what it meant. So then I finally

find the meeting. And then I opened my car door and I shut my car door and my car door and I get

one leg out and I get back in the car and I get halfway across the street and I get back in the

car. And I finally got into the meeting after about five tries. And thank God it was, um, it,

it felt just like the bar I was going to, it was dark. It was candle lit. There were a bunch of

bikers. It was loud. Nobody was honoring the traditions. I mean, it was just so, you know,

the, but I was incredibly comfortable because it was what I was used to. And I put my head

down and I stay. And I can tell you that in 33 years, it's the only thing I've done right

consistently is I have stayed here. I've not drunk. I've needed a drink. I have not behaved

well. I've not always done great things. I've needed a drink because I'm an alcoholic. We need

a drink. If it drizzles on the walk on the way here. I mean, I just, I didn't do it. So I put

my head down, I'm dressed for the bar, you know, no idea what's going on. Some guy's talking about

his fiance's readings, read his fourth step and they were breaking up and it was just all of this

crazy stuff. And then this big biker gets up. He's got like the cap, the t-shirt, the leather vest,

the whole deal. And he starts talking about the whole inside of him and that he's an alcoholic

and he's got a hole inside of him and it screams. It screams to be filled and it screams to be

filled and it screams to be filled. And if he puts alcohol in there, it's like a rainstorm in

the desert, washes through, it rips out a bunch more stuff and it leaves him with a bigger hole.

But if he doesn't drink, it's like a cave. And it starts to very, very slowly fill in

with these crystals and these beautiful things, just like caves do. And, um, and I heard it,

right? This guy that I had nothing in common with was talking about how it felt and what happened

to me and where it was. And, um, so, um, I stayed and, um, you're new welcome. Um, I thought I was

going to graduate. I thought if I, I'm a good student and I, if I did the steps perfect,

I would be done and I would graduate. I would get my little diploma and you would tell me I was

perfect and everything would be grand. And that is not what happened because alcohol was precise,

right? All I did was now I've got all this stuff. I don't know how to live in the world. I don't know

how to be a person among persons. I don't know how to be of service. I don't know how to ask,

how are you? Like that was in my family. If you didn't tell everyone how you were instantly,

no one was going to ask. So, um, I just didn't, I didn't know how to have conversations or show up.

So I just kept showing up, kept showing up. I kept showing up, life kept happening and I kept not

drinking over it because I had the steps and I knew I was powerless and I built this, uh,

group of some very fucking sick women, but we kept each other sober. It's the only thing we did

right. Right. We cared, we kept each other sober. So, um, we had, we had a feedback meeting where

you would share and then we would tell each other what all you should do now. And we were all like

under two. It was, um, we didn't drink, so I'm going to say so. Um, but I, you know, there's

all this stuff and life kept happening and I kept thinking I was going to do it perfect. And I'm,

and I'm going to backpedal a little bit to this sort of personality that I never allowed to

develop because I was busy getting drunk. I needed to be perfect because then you would like me or

then like someone would love me and it would, and everything would be all right if I could just

be right and be perfect. And that is some baggage that has taken some time to get rid of that I

might or might not still be working on. Um, but, um, it's a lot allowing myself to be human. My

joke when I was a kid, when they were like, everyone's human, everyone's human. And my

answer was always, they're setting the bar too low. Humans suck. And, um, you know, I, it's been

a long time, but I became human here. Um, I love that you were talking about forgiveness because

that was the reading the day before yesterday was like forgiveness of others. And then today I think

was forgiveness of self. And I don't know what any of that is, but I'm working on it. Um, I've

accepted all of it. Forgiveness is the next step. Um, so I'm powerless over alcohol in my life is

unmanageable. Um, I am not a God person. So when it comes to the second step, if anybody struggled

with that, I'm 33 years sober. I do not, I am not a God person. The thing that has kept me sober is

that I acknowledge that I am not the one driving the bus. I'm a passenger on the bus. There's a

driver. We're going where it goes. And I do the next indicated step. I don't do anything. I need

to drink over. I do something wrong. I clean it up. And the rule for that is if I'm uncomfortable,

safe bet. I said something wrong. I did something wrong or feeling insecure, which means I'm

probably not treating my alcoholism in another way. Right? So, so, but I've stayed willing. You

were talking about that too. That is the thing that I have done consistently, right? Sometimes

I'm willing with, and sometimes I'm just willing, I'm willing, I'm willing. And I'd say,

fuck you. I'm willing and I'm willing. I'm just willing. And I surrender, but I've stayed willing

to see what is the next thing. What is the next thing? What is the next thing? Um, my dad died

when I had a five months sober and I was back home for Christmas. Um, he died between Christmas and

new years. And, um, uh, the rest of my family, nobody was on board. Nobody was on board with me

being sober. Certainly nobody was on board with being healthy in any way, shape or form. Um,

I was told my dad died by my, uh, step, whatever she was kicking the door in to, and like three

o'clock in the morning, just pounded my door open and said, your dad's dead. And then just walked

away. Um, and you know, again, I was five months sober. I had no idea what to do with any of this.

I came back, Mr. Right now was sleeping with someone else's right now. Um, when I, by the

time I got home and it was just, I thought I was, I wanted to get drunk. And, and I believed you

guys when you said, call your sponsor before you take a drink. And I was like, all right,

I'm going to get a drink. Screw all you guys. I'm going to get a drink, but I'll call her. And I

called her and I was like, I said, I'd call you. I did click. And, um, she came over, she kept

following me around everywhere. You can get drunk if you want to. I'm just here. And I'm like,

not drinking in front of you. That's like having sex in front of my mother.

So she just kept following me around and you know, um, what happened was it settled and I

started to pray to want to be sober. And for a while it was praying to want, to want, to want

to be sober and then to want, to want to be sober. And I just, and I just kept asking because I knew

enough. I know what's out there for me. I don't have any doubt. Right. Pretty fresh. Right. I

know exactly what's out there and it is not getting better. I'm not going to go, um, have

cocktails with my pinky out for an evening. And like, no, I am not interested in that. I'm if I'm

out, it's, it's on and, and for me on is dead. And, um, so they talk, I say this every time I'd

like speak because it's, it's, it speaks to my flavor of alcoholism. Every five years or so,

they come up with some pill that they say is going to help people drink, like it's going to control

your alcoholism, or it's going to help you drink like a normal people person, or, you know, they

say, you know, there's this pill or this, whatever. And if you do this, you can go like, have two

drinks and you'll be fine. And I'm like, I'll take 10 because I don't want two drinks. I need 20 and

I need more, you know, the alcohol department at the grocery store is not enough. It's not enough.

And there are a lot of people who don't get that. Um, so, um, I came in sponsors did the steps and,

you know, I'm glad that I thought I was going to graduate because it meant I was, I did, I

did everything with my whole heart. And by the time I figured out I wasn't graduating and you

guys weren't going to give me the little tassels and, um, for being best in class. Um, I never even

got a gold star in AA, some shit right there. Um, because I think we worked hard. We work hard.

So I'm going, my next AA meeting I'm going to, I'm having the kindergarten gold stars at the door.

Everybody walks in the doors, get the gold star. And, um, but I have just learned how to, um,

survive. Right. So it used to take all the alcohol to make me feel all right in here. And it used to

take, um, attention from you to make me feel all right in here and have value. And, um, it's taken

some years, but I'm all right in here and have value. And that's AA. That is like the gift of AA.

Um, uh, when I was five years sober, I started dating someone, um, when I was, uh, right before

my birthday. And when I turned 10 years sober, I was holding my one month child from my, from

marrying that man. Um, on my 15th sober birthday, that kid got diagnosed with autism. Um, around the

time I turned 20, um, I had this very rude discovery in AA. I had somehow believed that if I

did and said the right things, right. In an interaction with anyone, I just believed that

if I showed up and, um, did the right thing and said the right thing, that things would go right.

And life didn't work out that way. And, um, and I showed up with, I met crazy, um, had a neighbor

down the street from here who I showed up and said, and did all the right things and crazy,

stayed crazy. And, um, I didn't, I couldn't wrap my head around it. And I started having it 20

years over. I started having panic and anxiety and I had to go through that. And, um, you know,

since then, my daughter's also being diagnosed on the spectrum. Um, and AA has enabled me to show up

to all of these things gracefully and, um, be of service here, be of service to my friends,

be of service to my crazy family, be of service to my children, um, without getting so uncomfortable

that I don't have to drink over it. So, um, I, um, this, I also have very have much ADD.

So the blink in the corner of my eye keeps like, who's on the screen? What are we watching? Um,

so sorry, shiny. Um, but the, the thing about, um, AA is that it, you know, the cave has started,

it started filling up and it's filled up with, um, service and it's filled up with unity and it's

filled up with recovery and it's filled up with, um, friendships. And, um, and, um, you know,

my husband brought me an Instagram post from his niece the other day and that he thought was in

Cleveland and it said, and it was a picture of Bradford hall that she was at like, and he was

just, and so now, you know, she's fairly new and we're going to be able to be of service to her and

we'll be able to show her around to LA AA and, um, introduce her to, um, incredible women because,

you know, there are so many incredible, I'm sorry guys, I don't go to men's tech. So

there are incredible women of service in A it's unbelievable. And, um, and we will give you our

right arm if we have to, if that means you're going to stay. So, and, you know, um, because

we've been there and we know that pain and no one gets it like we do. So, um, so, um, I think it was

at my 15th birthday, it was taking a cake, 15th sobriety birthday. I was taking a cake and, um,

I was listening to the readings and I realized, um, the step 11 says prayer and meditation,

thought it was and or meditation was prayer or meditation. So, um, um, I don't know how I

missed it for that long, but I did. And I had tried to meditate here and there, but I was praying in

the morning. I was good. Um, and just so you know, because I'm not a God person, whenever I, I still

say the prayers, I'm talking to the bus driver for lack of a better word. I do all the readings every

morning. I've got them bookmarked. When I see the word God, I use the word good. Um, and it works

for me. Um, something else works for you. That's the best part of AA man. It's what works for you.

Um, as long as I'm not the one in charge, uh, it's much better for all of us. Um, so, um, I started

meditating, um, here and there, I've tried a bunch of different stuff on moving meditation, guided

meditations apps, my, my sponsors and meditation teacher. So I just thought I was magically getting

it by not doing it or just, you know, so that didn't work. But, um, the thing that, um, that

I get from meditation is that, um, I don't know if you've noticed, but this is a busy place

and, um, I'm always in tomorrow or the next thing. It's very hard for me to be where my feet are. Um,

and if you're not where your feet are, it's very difficult to see what the next indicated step is.

Right. So I need to like get back in my body and not think about what I'm doing tomorrow,

where we're going to be tomorrow. By noon tomorrow, I'll be meditating. But like,

I'm not going to think about that now. Like, so meditation puts a hold on that for me. It really,

it stops everything for me. Um, so when I step 11 is been the cornerstone of my sobriety for the last

several years, because I release all my control in the morning and then I practice listening all day.

That's what I'm doing when I meditate. Like I just stopped and listen. And you know, um, I know a lot

of people here know this, but meditation isn't sitting with a blank mind. It's when the, it's

like at a busy street when the car goes by, you don't grab it. You just let thoughts keep going

and, um, letting the thoughts keep going is what lets me go. Okay. And, and will allow me just to

be where I'm at and feeling and having and doing what I've got right now. Um, so somebody was

talking about one of my meetings and this is what meditation is like for me was that there was a guy

and that he was, he got caught in a rip tide in California and it was pulling him out and he was

trying to do the thing where you swim parallel to the shore. The people at the shore kept screaming

at him and screaming at him and he couldn't hear them because he was so like panicked and freaking

out. And what they were saying was stand up. It was only three feet deep. Like he could have drowned

if he didn't get that moment of pause. And that's what the meditation does for me. It enables me to

stop and finally hear, right. Pause. Um, so, um, I have no idea where I'm at. So I, um, um, about

a year ago I decided that I was going to make a work move. And the one thing that's been really

hard for me to shake is my identity is my job, right? Because as the type of alcoholic I am,

my identity is what you think of me. It's I'm nothing. I'm insecure. I'm nobody. It's really

hard to fight all that stuff. And the one that lasted the longest was on my work and being great

at my work, showing up and being the, you know, same thing. I'm going to graduate from AA, but

maybe at work I can get my gold star. And, um, and I changed jobs and, uh, it was not what they

said it was. And it was, and it was really bad for like a year. Um, where I doubted everything I said,

I doubted everything I did. I, um, it really broke me down in a way that hadn't happened in 33 years.

And, um, I wrote it out. I just, I wrote it out. I kept showing up. I knew there was, there was

something was going to happen. There was going to be, this is the thing that I've learned in AA,

stay, stay, and you will eventually know why. And, um, it sort of culminated in me having to

be in Florida for five weeks, uh, 24/7 in a really bad situation where I was treated horribly. I got

injured on the job site. Um, and, uh, and my daughter was falling apart in Oregon. I just,

everything was a mess and I stayed, just stayed and I breathed and I waited and I did what was

in front of me. And, um, once I came, I came home, I was able to decompress enough to stand up for

myself. Something else I've never been good at, something else a lot of us are hard to write.

It's really hard to stand up for the person. You don't know who you are. How are you going

to stand up and take care of that person? So even in sobriety and with the work and thinking,

I knew who I was, I'm still growing. I'm still changing. I'm still learning. I'm still fighting.

Life is still life and I still sometimes hate it. So, um, um, I ended up, uh, following a complaint

with HR and standing up for myself and they changed the situation and they moved me to a

different department. They moved me and now suddenly I made a place that I recognize doing

what I recognize and a much more, um, comfortable situation. But if I wasn't sober enough to say,

Hey, ow, that hurts. That's wrong. Um, it wouldn't have gotten better. I probably would have gotten

fired for the things that were happening to, to me. I still would have gotten fired. And

what happened was that in that time I read this passage in a book and it said, um, the story that

you tell yourself about your life is the one that's going to be true. So I can tell myself

all these terrible things and believe in that, live in that, or I can make this my new meditation

focus and tell myself a different story. And that's the one I'll be living in. And I started doing

that and I started healing and I started growing and, um, um, and, uh, treating myself with kindness

and, uh, trying to be compassionate for other people. Um, right. I mean, maybe they're an

asshole because they're, I don't know, something happened to them that made them that way. Um, um,

I feel like I'm rambling, but the thing I want to say is I'm not done. If my sponsor just got

a tattoo, it says I'm not dead. So I'm not done and, uh, I'm not done yet. I'm not done growing.

I'm not done being, I'm not done learning, um, how to be comfortable in my skin and with all of you.

Um, so starting tomorrow, there's this year long meditation practice that I'm going to take on as

part of my program. Um, and the big component is forgiveness. It is learning to let go of the things

that still hound you from your youth in your life that may still make you uncomfortable in your

skin. And I'm looking forward to it. I'm saying yes. When I want to say, no, I, I went out,

I, or it's been 14 years. Why do you think I'm still sober? Um, when they reached out. So I'm

just, I'm really glad to be here. I'm really glad to be anywhere sober, to be honest. Um,

I've, that's it welcomed. That's all I got. I know that we're really back.