From Gangs to Sobriety: A Journey Through AA and the Big Book

with my son Jose alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 25th 2017. I want to welcome anybody who's

new in Alcoholics Anonymous just starting now. Happy birthday you know. Thank you for being so

welcoming and thank you Nate for having me come down. It's seven years we're coming up on eight

years and I have to admit that doing this has has kept me sober part of it and some amongst other

things. Doing my best to live a principled life you know because I come from a very unprincipled

life. I'll share a little bit about that and you know I'm grateful I'm grateful you know it was a

it was a it was a long journey first just to get here and I think it's important to talk about

that. I think the reason why Alcoholics Anonymous calls for us to talk about what it was like what

happened and what it's like now is because it's all purposeful and I don't want to spend a lot

of time on what it was like of course but I think it's important because I never read a story in

Alcoholics Anonymous that never told the whole story in the big book and uh and I think it's

important to talk about these mental twists that you know that that happened with an alcoholic and

the hopelessness and the baffling features of alcoholism as I now know it I didn't know it

before that is simply the utter or the complete inability to leave it alone no matter how great

the necessity or the wish. I'm gonna talk about some big book things please don't take me for a

big book thumper I just really love the literature it was very helpful for me to understand what it

was to be an alcoholic and to be suffering at one point from alcoholism. I remember such a part of

the book where I've read where it says um the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure

have lost the power of choice and drink and their so-called willpower becomes practically

non-existent they're enabled at certain times to bring into consciousness with sufficient force

the memory of suffering and humiliation they are without defense against the first drink and to me

that was vital to understand and some of the basics in terms of like you know uh being bodily

and mentally uh ill um I didn't know that I was maladjusted to life and um that I was you know

living a life to me growing up I even though I grow up in low-income housing I want to talk a

little bit about that I got some time is it like 8 20 8 25 that's a fair time I touched a little

bit about a little bit on my childhood and growing up in my my paradigm what I believe or perceptions

that I developed growing up in low-income housing project area city of San Bernardino back in the

1980s and uh and uh how I perceived these I was Ray well my mom my dad they got loaded they drank

you know people partied at our house it was a project uh low-income housing house um um that

wasn't normal nobody really you know talked about it as being anything abnormal um thank you uh so

it wasn't strange at all and I wasn't necessarily a depressed kid uh I didn't necessarily feel

different um my body my biological father uh wasn't around he um you know separated from us

probably around maybe the age of five and uh and then down and then by the age of nine there there

was a lot of you know uh neighborhood influence I'll say that and and here's what's interesting

to what I'm about to share with you because I don't want to get off the leading path about

this long drawn drawn out story about you know my life from growing up I really want to touch on

alcoholism and uh and what it reminds me of when I'm getting into this part of my story reminds me

of when Bill Wilson no matter where we come from Bill Wilson doesn't talk about his depression

when he discovered alcohol he talks about his heroism and you know being in service and so

forth and so on and and I paid attention to what he said he said in the midst of excitement he says

I discovered alcohol you know even though I grew up in low-income housing and the ghetto and I

joined a gang at nine years old and I was you know because of that and my father wasn't around and I

went in and out of juvenile hall and I spent many times many times in prison in my in my

growing my grown-up years you know I'm saying those those things for me were very much exciting

and I just don't know why they just were it was kind of a paradigm and what I saw in the

neighborhood and and I just caught kind of followed suit I wasn't depressed at all at the time and in

the midst of that lifestyle I too just like Bill Wilson I just covered alcohol you know and and I

love that it's so simple like that and I love that what I discovered is that that craving they talk

about in the big book of alcohol synonymous and and experiencing also that that physical part

to the point where now I'm obsessing over drink when I want to stop I can't stay from picking up

the drink and putting my hand to the hot stove and then after I take a drink I can't control

the amounts to which I'm going to drink and so I've lost total control which I believe is so

important to mention loss of control I want to talk a little bit about the physical part that I

had no idea you know in the book of alcohol synonymous if you pay attention to the doctor's

opinion it goes from we have alcohol synonymous and then back to the doc transitions back to we

have alcohol synonymous and then back to the doc if you pay attention and you have any idea of

reading comprehension at all and I never did I it's funny I got pretty good at that having never

gone to school really and and the big book talks about well here's what it says it says um uh two

things about alcoholics that are quite interesting they're they're they're never satisfied and they

never like to be told anything it's exactly how it starts actually in this part of the book it says

it did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking this is alcoholics not

the doc pay attention to literature when you're reading it to be told that we could not control

our drinking just because we were maladjusted to light that we were outright mental affectives

and full flight from reality these things were true to some extent as a matter of fact to a

considerable extent with some of us but we were sure that our bodies were sick and also in our

belief any picture of the alcoholic that leaves out the physical factor is incomplete that is so

vital for me because when I picked up that first drink and the way that felt and obviously it

coincides you know with my thinking but what it first pushes home in the literature of alcoholics

anonymous is that and it makes us aware just prior to that that this is a bodily and mental disease

or illness if you will the verbiage is illness right and and I remembered I could go back and

just remember those drinks and I could remember how great they felt I could remember how when

they went down I could remember the numbness in my face and and I always knew where they

were going to take me after that first drink or first few drinks throughout and I gotta say it

was it was progressive um I didn't start off uncontrollable drinking um so for me it was a

progressiveness and um and then things started happening you know um I managed to get married

and uh have two kids uh which are now in their 20s um and uh you know I felt I'm gonna get real

honest here I felt real proud about my my first daughter when she was born and so you know I I

worked really hard and this is after some time uh leaving the gang uh quite interesting uh when I

look back that this program of alcoholics anonymous can actually take someone like me and many others

of course that I've witnessed in alcoholics anonymous and just transform a life entirely

and so that's why I want to talk about I want to talk about the transformation

and what the 12 steps actually did for me so I'm coming from this gangster life if you will at a

young age joined at the age of seven and uh as a matter of fact my little brother's in the room

today he's he wasn't even born yet we have this family where uh my eldest sister has a different

father and then me and my second third to the eldest brother have a different father and we

have a twin brother and sister who have a different father and then we were all born and then my mother

was with all those men and then she went back to my biological father and then my brother Juan was

born I spent most of his teenage life not all his life probably most of his teenage life into high

school in prison because of my alcoholism and my maladjustment to life and um and so he saw me

coming in and out of his life you know in his young days periodically and I would be doing good

and then I would be doing bad and it was it was it was like that um and uh you know so I worked

hard when I when I uh and I fell in love with a woman and what I thought at the time now that I

think about it was what I thought was love I I just I just think I just didn't know how I really

didn't you know and um but I wanted to be a good dad I wanted to be a father to my children you

know I wanted to be a good husband and uh drinking and alcohol just caught up with me and uh um and

it was starting to become more important than all those things if I'm just you know just you know

honest and man sometimes I I just I wanted to believe that that uh that I loved my children

and I did I did um I feel killed um I felt like I abandoned them because that's actually what I did

I didn't lose much um Alcoholics Anonymous just so you know helped me face those things and the fact

face finding fact process if if you're new you're and you want to recover from this hopeless state

of life of mental and bodily state of life um you want to do this you want to do this you don't know

it yet because just like me I didn't know it yet but uh it is it has definitely transformed my life

now I didn't get everything back either and I'll get to the end of the story everything that I thought

to get back not everything was given back to me I stayed sober anyways and uh um and it was rough

because one of the most painful things was was um you know not being able to be there for my children

because I'm I'm I'm defeated by alcohol liquor and drugs have become my master you know and uh some

some disheartening stories like being incarcerated and trying to send my children you know toys from

what is called the angel tree from the state penitentiary and and being sent a letter back

we turned to send her like sorry mr reals we weren't able to encounter your children we weren't

able to get them their gifts and they would they would pay for stuff like that and uh and realizing

the severity of my problem that really I am the problem this is why this is happening you know um

and it's my fault and not wanting to look at that and so now I gotta you know drink more alcohol so

that I could feel better so that I could you know just disappear if you will then after drinking I

come back and then reality sets in again it never goes away um so a lot of hard times I uh I ended

up on skid row um I uh I'll talk a little bit about an outside issue not too much I ended up

you know uh uh being addicted to uh methamphetamine that cocaine uh went from smoking to snorting to

injecting a little bit got that um there I was on skid row um out of prison my last term in 2012

if I'm not mistaken I try to forget the dates and try to forget the numbers I'm not a guy that wants

to remember my prison numbers plural there's a lot of them um and it's kind of embarrassing but I've

used it today to help because there might be somebody sitting in the room that's had that

experience and I want them to know that you can recover from such a hopeless state um so yeah

there I am on skid row and um and I'm uh powerless I'm hopeless I feel empty um and I need some

serious help and I want to give up I wish I could die uh sometimes um it's kind of funny because

every time I think about getting loaded or drinking and where that's gonna take me then I

don't want to die so quick that's interesting right um and uh so there I was and um I'm watching

everything just go on around me I mean on skid row uh to certain degrees there's no regard for

life you can see dead people on the ground who are just walking right over them and that's really how

it is day and night when it gets dark it's uh quite chaotic I'll say that much um then uh one

day just just a little bit of willingness I think that's important to mention right so to myself you

know what I need to get up and I need to get out of here and um so I tried to get into the salvation

army in Santa Monica and somehow I managed to get five days sober and uh and I kept trying to get

into that door and uh they're like mr reals we're sorry but we still don't have a bed for you to get

in here and and they're like how many days have you been sober now and I'm like five days but

I'm itching if you send me back out that door man I'm gonna get I'm gonna drink I'm gonna get loaded

and he's like well I don't have a bed for you and I just turn around and I walk away and I don't even

just just before I remember this clearly just before I hit the door he's like wait and I turn

around and he's like I got an address for you this is how I end up in in Canoga park and he goes I

want you to take this card and call this person in Canoga park at the Salvation Army and uh and uh

as long as you stay clean they'll let you in so this is how I get to San Fernando I get there

I go and it was my first introductions to alcoholics anonymous and some of the groups

that were going through there were pretty serious they were serious about taking people to the steps

they were you know talking a lot of program recovery and um I gotta admit I was I was quite

fascinated at what was going on and what they were talking about wondered if it was real I

wondered if it was real and uh um and then I wondered it was people like really like me

because the craving being so so uh extremely uh strong in my life such a such a grit uh

there's no way there's no way that you guys are staying slow and uh um so I made a few attempts

and uh I wouldn't even call it a relapse really I just I never had a chance really to recover

um I kind of saw the I call it the height of AA if you will and kind of just you know was you know

I don't know maybe you know putting one foot in and putting foot out put a foot in put out

kind of deal and uh and never really getting completely honest and and I didn't know how so

I obviously needed a sponsor you know because I think that's what we do around here we we sponsor

people so that they can understand hell because some of us like myself are just completely lost

and uh so interestingly a guy that I was with in the program of uh uh at the Salvation Army he took

off I took off and went on a run we seen each other in the valley and we kind of went in our

little circle running into each other and he had run into a sponsor from Moncaholics Anonymous and

had been taken to the steps and it was probably about a year that he had been silver and maybe

some change and uh that quick I seen that man's life just turn around completely for some of us

it's like that some quickly some slow and uh I was like wow you know and uh I ended up at a sober

living home called last house on the block and because he was doing good and he was sober the

owners of that house he was once one of the people in that house let him borrow their garage to start

a cabinet business so that's where he started uh his name is Steve Hughes he was the sponsor of

Kurt Sacks which is a grand sponsor of mine and uh and uh he saw me at the house when I got there

and he's like hey what are you doing it's been a while I said yeah I just been out there drinking

and I need a lot of help but I wasn't willing to go to the links at the time but he did offer and

he says to me and I and I really love this because he was actually looking for somebody to sponsor I

know oftentimes I sit in the rooms to get a sponsor etc etc but he was looking for me to

sponsor and I was quite impressed about that and he's like listen if you need help he's like uh

I can take you to the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we can get you some help this is how I got

sober and I was like you know for now I'm gonna hold off and I thought I could do it my way once

again right and uh and it didn't work it didn't work all right we got 10 minutes so finally I

decided one day you know what and now and I got sober on a whim because I didn't really want to

get sober but I think the glimpse of willingness looked like this when I really when I really lived

back and I get honest this is what I said to myself I wonder and I'm not gonna cuss because

I did cuss you guys don't cuss here so respect for me yeah I almost felt forced to wear the

tie the suits of it I'm like oh man this is not good this is not me you know what I mean

and uh um and I was like um where was I help me draw I got a brain farm yeah so yeah that's what

I said I said to myself thank you um I wonder just what I said I wonder if what these guys

are saying are true if if I if I do everything and be thoroughly honest I want to see if this

is gonna that's what I said so I said and you're talking about a life of like just all this chaos I

couldn't even imagine and still can't because if I was to tell you the stories and details

it would sound like a lie anyone reminds me of it reminds me of the time when when Bill had an

encounter with Ebby he said I can't even put together who this dude is who is he used to get

drunk together he pushes the beard his way he doesn't drink and it was evident okay he saw that

it worked and uh and so he started taking me through the process and I began to learn things

learn about things like resentment in my part um some of the best things I've learned in alcoholics

anonymous are how of course you'll hear this over and over and over again if you're new that

resentment is the number one offender though it'd be not the only offender it's the number one

and from it stems all forms of spiritual disease we have not only been mentally and physically sick

we have been spiritually sick and from the spirituality is overcome we strain that mentally

and physically page 66 middle paragraph says something like this I love this it says it is

plain that a life that includes deep resentment only leads to fertility which means a waste of

time and unhappiness to the precise extent that you permit these do you squander the hours that

might be worthwhile but for the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual

experience that's to the twelfth test this business of resentment is infinitely grave we found that it

is fatal but when harboring such feelings we shut off the sunlight of the spirit the insanity here's

the danger of alcohol returns and we drink and for us to drink is to die and when I read that I

thought to myself wow and so I started learning about these resentments I started learning about

these defects of character about wanting to have control if the world would just be utopia you know

and that's not a reality I've started learning how to let people how to live and let people live

live and let live I love that slogan it's very useful to me today you know if one acts up I say

to myself just a sick person you wouldn't treat a sick person this way this is the angle that step

four if you're new that you're going to hear about it says we were prepared to look at things

from an entirely different angle to look at people like they're sick people and that was helpful and

vital for me um of course I'm not always good at it sometimes I want to rip their heads off

sometimes I want to beat them up you know um but gradually those those only were left at thoughts

um and I've gotten better at it over the years everything with me was a fight I developed what

the big book calls a psychic change and I knew it was very important for me to change from the

inside I still know that I know that I could come here or go anywhere and start you know sharing and

take do all there is to do in alcoholics anonymous and take commitments and sponsor and do and make

the outside look good but I watched over time and in seven years some you know fellows do that

everything there is to do in alcoholics anonymous and they either want to blow their heads off or

they do or they drink or still their minds are very chaotic and I thought to myself what is that

why is that and to me it was simply something that came to my spirit and said Jose if you

are like that or stay like that for any length lengthy or long period of time it's because

there's either something that you're doing that you're not supposed to be doing but there you're

not doing that you're supposed to be doing five minutes and I really start to pay attention to

literature it says something like this in page 27 middle paragraph it says uh alcoholics have had

what they call vital spiritual experiences life-giving experiences to me these occurrences

are phenomenal they seem to be of the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements

ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the driving forces of the lives of these men

suddenly get cast to one side a new set of motives a new set of concepts and motives

begin to dominate them and I know the kind of life and the kind of ideas I've had about life

and the way I used to live if that didn't if that didn't take effect and a guy like me it was over

it was over had to be a miracle and somehow that you know had something to do with me staying sober

and you know I can't even put my finger on it and I don't want it to me it's as simple as knowing

that the obsession has been lifted but it was obviously a power greater than myself that did it

and I don't need nobody to credit me for it I didn't know that this was going to be the lifeline

of my life but my first sponsey was actually someone that my sponsor pushed me towards and he

says you're going to sponsor that guy and I'm like I don't even like that dude but you're going to

sponsor him anyways so after he comes down he's copping a play behind the podium he's going through

he says I'm going through something and this or that and the other night saw every defect of

character because I'm a judge right and I'm like and then I knew that's why I didn't like I think

I saw everything I had in me too I think I saw and that's what my sponsor said to me you don't

like him because you see everything you had and now you can see it well he needs a chance too

Jose so you go over there and ask him after he gets down after the meeting if if you can sponsor

him so I go over there and and I got my my hopes there I hope this guy says no and so I'm like hey

do you need a sponsor he's like bang and there we go on this journey and I want to share this is

after I took that man to the 12 steps here's the beauty of alcoholics anonymous man this is the

lifeline right here is he took his first year he had his mother there his father-in-law and his son

who wanted to kill himself because his dad hadn't been around for years and that horse paint made

heart pacemaker and he was about to die and his son's pouring tears and he's he's looking at me

and I'm like what's wrong you know what's wrong with you why are you crying he's crying with happy

tears and he's like thank you for saving my dad and I didn't know that that's what it was going

to take me you know and I felt so ashamed really because I'm not the one that really wanted to

sponsor his dad you know and um I looked over to my sponsor and I'm grateful for this today what

what my sponsor has instilled in me and I give him the credit for this part of my sobriety my

recovery I says you see that man over there you know you go over there and you thank that man

because that's the man that got me to sponsor your father from that day on I began to understand just

eat a little bit more just a little bit more just a little bit more what we were doing wrong my

sponsor would say it just like this Jose we save lives around here don't play around with this thing

you remember where you were at you remember and I do and I'm just so grateful so grateful that I get

to be here in a meeting of Alcox Anonymous on a Saturday night when normally I'd be out there

partying you got one minute I see it you know and I get to be sober and be with you here with

you tonight I really am so thank you for letting me ship