From Early Rebellion to Sobriety: Damon’s Alcohol Journey

- How long do I go?

Okay, well, my name is Damon.

I am an alcoholic.

You know, I'm a liar, a cheat, and a thief,

and I love the effects of alcohol and drugs.

I mean, the story's probably pretty much the same,

you know, started probably around 12 or 13,

drinking, smoking weed.

But when I look back, I notice that these problems

that I've had all my life started at even a younger age,

a much younger age.

I was rebellious.

I didn't want help.

I just, when I look back at my behaviors,

I'm like, oof, I was a handful, you know?

And, you know, my mom was heavy-handed in our house,

and so it ended up with a lot of crazy things

when it came to picking the women, right?

And, you know, my dad was always trying

to keep me from getting killed.

He was always in the room,

like trying to stop me and my brothers,

like she's gonna kill you, stop, stop.

And, you know, the first time that I got in trouble

with alcohol was at a church function.

We went to the beach,

and me and a buddy thought it'd be a great idea

to bring a six-pack of tall cans with us.

And, you know, we got caught, obviously.

I get home, and my mom's going nuts,

and my dad's like, "Well, at least it was Budweiser,"

'cause he worked at Anheuser-Busch, you know?

And, you know, I just, I was always in trouble.

I went to like Christian schools when I was younger,

and did the whole youth group stuff,

and that didn't work.

Even, I remember even in third grade,

I was looking for the loopholes.

I was looking for the contradictions.

I was, I was like finding ways and reasons

not to believe whatever they were believing.

And probably, you know, I got into,

then I, probably about eighth or ninth grade,

I got to go to public school,

and I realized I was like, oh, you can leave here,

and they don't care if you're not here,

and you know what I mean?

So that just, that opened me wide open.

You know what I mean?

I ran into a bunch of other kids that were like me,

and naturally I just gravitated towards them,

but like even in school,

I would leave for the classes that I didn't like,

and I would actually come back to school for the classes.

I did.

So, you know, like my math computer, music classes,

those types of classes would have great attendance.

You know, my mom told me one day, she's like,

"Why do you go back?"

You know what I mean?

I'm like, 'cause I want to do things my way,

and that's why, you know?

My whole life has been like that.

I want to do things my way.

Probably about 14, you know, my mom's, you know,

if you're going to live under this roof,

it's under these rules,

so I put two and two together, and I moved out,

and at that time I started selling drugs.

You know, that was the easiest way for me

to take care of myself at that time,

and, you know, I always drink.

I went straight to hard alcohol.

I realized that, oh, I can just drink this little pint

and get the same effect as that 12-pack.

You know what I mean?

And my friends would be sick and throwing up,

and I would just be like, "What's wrong with you?

Like, you guys don't know how to drink.

What's going on with you guys?"

You know, I was just getting started,

and they were going out.

And I always, I don't know, I guess,

I don't know if it was a control freak in me or whatever,

but I always got into this zone,

and I stayed there, you know?

I didn't black out.

That's not me.

I didn't, I have to remain in some sort of control.

And, you know, I did a lot of dry goods.

Dry goods are a part of my story,

but everything starts and ends with alcohol for me.

I don't do anything without alcohol.

And when I stopped alcohol, everything else stopped.

I didn't have to focus on stopping, you know,

Coke or meth or, you know,

I didn't have to worry about that stuff.

I just stopped drinking and everything else fell into place.

So, and you know, I had a lot of fun.

I mean, I had a lot of good times,

and probably around, you know, I got a couple,

I caught a couple cases, did a little bit of jail time.

Nothing too serious, but I mean, by the time I was,

you know, we grew up in Van Nuys here,

and I lived near the train tracks.

And so we would go out onto the train tracks

and open them up and take stuff off the trains,

and we'd slide it down into the wash

and go running through the wash,

'cause we knew it like the back of our hands,

'cause we'd play down there as children.

And I don't know, for some reason,

I like commercial breaking and entering.

I like to, you know, we used to break in,

we used to break into the dental offices

and get the nitrous oxide tanks,

and, you know, other businesses along the wash.

I mean, you know, they would have dogs and stuff,

and I remember we would go and hang out by the fence

and feed the dogs bologna, you know what I mean?

So every time they'd see us, and the next thing,

they were a little friendly,

and then we'd just jump over the fence,

they wouldn't bother us.

And I've always just had this mind

that is always trying to get over,

no matter what's happening.

Like, how do I not do it the right way?

I don't know why it's spelled like that,

but it still does that, you know what I mean?

Surprisingly enough, I just don't follow its suggestions.

And so probably about 18 or 19,

I'm at a point where I'm mailing large packages of marijuana

over to my friend in West Virginia, you know,

50 pounds at a time, I'm going into UPS and next day-ing it.

And that was like, I was doing very well at that age.

And, you know, I had a music studio,

and for the most part, things were good.

I had my daughter when I was about 21,

and at that time I was like, you know what,

I gotta stop doing this,

'cause I didn't wanna be in jail.

'Cause what I was doing would've gotten me a lot of time

if I would've gotten caught.

So I tried to do a regular life,

and that was really, that was difficult.

It was difficult to go from making 10, $15,000 a month

as an 18-year-old to working on, you know what I mean,

a low wage job and dealing with people's crap.

It was just, it was really hard to live that life.

And I dabbled, but I pretty much,

I stayed smart about what I did.

And I also, I had a son too,

a couple of years after I had my daughter, different women.

And my son's mom, I'll get to that story down the line,

but we fought a lot, a lot.

And, you know, we drank a lot together too.

And it was just really, really toxic.

A lot of the relationships that I had had with women

were very toxic, naturally, 'cause they were like my mom.

So I naturally would pick women like my mom, you know.

I had a lot of trust issues with women.

And those are hard to deal with, you know,

'cause you see how other kids are treated by their moms.

And then you look at what your mom's doing and like,

what, I don't get it.

What did I do?

Why, you know, I mean, I kind of get it

'cause I was an asshole.

So I would probably beat me up too.

But, you know, I got hit with everything.

Plates, fly swatters, whatever was in range,

I got hit with.

And, you know, naturally it progresses, right?

It progresses, it progresses.

I'm drinking more and more, I'm using more and more.

I get into my 30s and I start driving semi trucks.

And I have to stop smoking weed.

And when I do, my drinking really takes off.

And, you know, so I drove semis for a while

and that was a good job.

And after that, I went into the IT field.

I've kind of always been involved in computers

ever since I was a young kid.

So I went to the IT field.

I'm working at a video on demand place.

And, you know, I've always had a job.

I think I might be a workaholic first

because that was like the one question that I got right

on that little yellow thing.

You know, have you ever missed work

because of drugs or alcohol?

I'm like, no.

And I remember the guy saying, come on, man.

I'm like, I haven't, I don't miss work.

And it's probably what kept me away from using meth

because I have to get up and go to work.

But by the end of my drinking, probably about, you know,

I'd get off work, hit the liquor store about 7 p.m.,

walk in, the guy would put the bottle of Captain Morgan's

in my counter wides on the counter.

You know, we did that every day.

And I would go home and I would drink that fifth

and I'd knock myself out

because I couldn't go to sleep at night.

That was the problem.

I would lay in bed and my mind would just go

and go and go and go.

So I'd have to drink myself out.

I wasn't really in the bars and all that stuff.

I would leave the bars around 9.30, 10 o'clock at night

so I can get home and avoid the DUIs.

I don't have any DUIs yet, but that's, I just,

I've always kind of tried to stay under the radar

as much as possible.

And you know, and I'd sit at home and drink myself to sleep.

And the last few years of my drinking,

I'm constantly just thinking about killing myself.

Like I couldn't stand myself.

I remember looking in the mirror and just, you know,

that dark soulless pupil that's just empty

and I couldn't stand myself.

And I just, I remember thinking about

how am I going to kill myself?

You know, who's going to find me, you know?

And for years I had this and finally one night my head says,

you know what, let's kill your son's mom.

This will put you in a position

where you're facing life in prison.

Then you'll be able to kill yourself.

This is what my head is telling me.

Now I'm a manager of the help desk.

It's my job to solve problems and I do it very well.

But when it came to my life,

my only solution was kill her, kill me.

And it was very real.

It wasn't just like, you know, one of those fits

where you're like, I'm going to choke him.

You know, it was very real.

And I ended up calling the psychiatric line on myself.

And I remember talking to them and they said,

oh, we can get you in in a couple months.

I'm like, oh no, no, no, I need to talk to somebody now.

And they told me to go to the emergency room.

So I went to the emergency room down at Kaiser hospital.

And I talked to this doctor, Dr. Lee Grass,

a little Jewish doctor, and I'll never forget this guy.

And he started going back to all my drinking and using it.

And he went all the way back down to when I was a kid.

And he looked me in the face and he said,

have you ever been sober?

And everything in the room slowed down.

'Cause I was like, what?

Like I didn't realize sober wasn't,

I didn't know that was even an option.

I never tried to drink like other people.

I didn't do that because I just,

the way I drank just seemed like, I don't know,

I wasn't getting myself in a lot of trouble.

There's a lot of things that I haven't gotten

to experience yet with my drinking.

And so I didn't, I'd never considered being sober.

Never tried to get sober.

And after that, I started seeing a drug

and alcohol counselor, Donna R, thank God for that woman.

She would hit me ever so softly with the things

that I needed to hear.

You need some new friends.

You need to get rid of this and replace it with that.

You need to go to a meeting.

And after a couple of times seeing her,

I said, okay, doc, what's wrong with me?

And she said, nothing's wrong with you.

Drugs and alcohol are making you crazy.

So over those couple of months,

I've really kind of tried to curve my drinking back.

And I did pretty good on curving it back.

I wasn't completely sober,

but there were three or four times that I probably drank.

I was trying and November 5th, 2010, I was pissed off.

I was ready to tie it on.

I was hell bent on getting drunk that night.

And I walked up to a bar earlier than normal

and I turned around and went home.

I just stopped before I walked in.

I turned around and went home.

And the next morning I woke up

and I found a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous,

a 12 and 12 group, and they met in Kaiser hospital again.

And I walked into that room.

It was a very small room.

And I had to sit on the floor in that meeting

because there were no chairs.

And I sat in that room.

I listened to you guys lie to me

about these amazing lives that you had.

I listened to you guys lie to me

that you don't have to drink anymore.

I was like, yeah, you guys are doing something.

You know what I mean?

You gotta be kidding me.

I didn't believe what I was hearing,

but the lies that you guys were telling me

were better than the truths

that my own head were telling me.

And so I stayed in that meeting

and I remember sitting there and they just said,

hey, that guy's gonna be your sponsor.

All I know about sponsors, they put a sticker

and you go around the track in the car.

And you know what I mean?

Like, what's a sponsor?

And the guy gave me his number

and he told me here, call me every day.

Okay, so I take his number and we go outside

and the guy said, hey, we're going to breakfast,

come with us.

And I said, you know, I don't have any money.

They said, we didn't ask you if you had any money.

And I said, oh, well, I got something to do.

They said, yeah, what do you got to do?

And so, you know, they got me, you know,

and I went to breakfast with these guys

and, you know, we sat there

and they told me some of their stories

and I'm like, really?

And so after that, I was like, what do I do now?

And a friend of mine, Joe M, tells me,

hey, I'm going to another meeting, come with me.

And I went to another meeting with Joe M

and I got out of that meeting.

I said, what do I do now?

He said, hey, go over to the Valley Club.

I said, okay, so I went to the Valley Club

and I sat there on it and I listened and I kept listening.

I'm like, still didn't believe you guys, but whatever.

For whatever reason, I stayed.

Maybe it was just that little glimpse of hope.

You know what I mean?

Like, okay, maybe there's something here.

And, you know, I started going to meetings

and I started calling that guy every morning

and he would walk me through that day, you know,

and he taught me the little tricks.

Hey, you know, send me gratitude lists.

And, you know, when your head gets crazy, do this

and like, you know, all the little tricks that we do

to kind of help the new guy through this stuff.

And the things that he would tell him, he started to work.

I'm glad that I was really beat when I got here.

You know, my sobriety date is 11/22/10.

Now, my first meeting was November 6th,

but I went to a wine tasting party

and I ended up smoking weed.

Now, at this time in my life, I didn't even like weed

because it was so strong, 'cause I had quit, you know,

whatever, 10 years earlier.

But, so, you know, and it was funny

'cause as soon as I did it, I immediately started thinking

about the lies that I needed to tell this guy

that I didn't even know.

And I'm like, what, why are you,

'cause that's my natural state, you know what I mean?

I lie, cheat, and steal naturally.

It's my first instinct.

And so, you know, I got straight with a guy and he said,

hey, you know, whatever,

just keep coming to meetings, keep on.

So, all right, so I'm going to meetings

and I'm starting to hang out with guys

and I'm definitely a people watcher.

I like to watch, you know, I'm really quiet.

So, I like to watch people.

And so, I just watched and I watched and I watched

and, you know, I stopped having those conversations

with myself on whether I'm an alcoholic or not.

I just started to find the things that made sense,

you know what I mean?

What I started to hear were there were like a lot of people

saying that their lives were screwed up

and now they're better.

And that wasn't enough for me to hold on to.

I'm like, okay, okay.

And I started being around guys that were,

they're a standup guys, you know what I mean?

And I started to believe what they were telling me.

I'm like, okay.

And one of the most important things

that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous

was that you guys told me I can have a higher power

of my own understanding

because I kind of believed in a higher power.

He just wasn't granting me my wishes, you know?

And I was tired of hearing churches

tell me what the higher power was, you know?

Because I always felt like I had to defend what I believed.

And I got here and you guys said, oh yeah,

you can have whatever God you want.

Just understand it's not you, okay?

Get behind that.

And you know, my prayers were sometimes pretty simple.

I'm like, WTF?

And he's like, stop being a jerk, you know?

And that's sometimes how my prayers go.

It's just that simple.

And I remember the first time I wanted to see,

you know, if God was listening,

I prayed to be put in the way of service.

And you know, an hour later after my meeting,

I'm out helping this guy change his flat tire

in front of my place, you know?

And yeah, he listens when you ask to help him, you know?

But when I want to help myself, he's not too keen on that.

And so, you know, I started, you know,

I go up to my sponsor probably at about three months.

My friend Jody, she's one of my best friends.

It's funny because the problems I had with women

and the lack of trust,

one of my closest people in my life

is now a woman that I trust fully, you know?

And she gets to tell me, hey, you're being a jerk.

And I'm like, oh, dammit, if she's telling me,

then it is, you know?

And I remember calling her and I said, you know what?

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm not angry.

I don't feel like drinking.

I don't know what's going on.

And she said, oh honey, nothing's wrong.

And I was like, what?

Nothing is wrong.

Like I, the first time I felt some sort of peace,

I thought something was wrong with me

because that's how foreign that peace was in my mind.

And thank God for this lady.

She drugged me through the first year or two.

And I remember taking my 60 day chip

and my great-grand sponsor yells out,

I bet you don't make 90 days.

And I was like, what kind of support group is this?

And, but my first year was purely spiked.

That guy was gonna hold my cake, you know?

And every year I show up and that guy holds my cake.

I walk into the meeting, he just looks at me like,

every year he says, I bet you don't make another, you know?

And the things that have happened to my program

are absolutely perfect.

There's no way that I could have,

it's not my making.

The things that I heard, the people that touched me,

the people that said things to me,

it was perfectly designed.

And all I had to do was be open to something.

Be open to hearing another man tell me what to do.

Be open to hearing another woman tell me what to do.

That was a hard one.

Being able to trust a woman, that was a real hard one.

And slowly but surely, things started to kind of change.

And I think about my four or five month,

I come running up to my sponsor and I'm like,

am I supposed to be writing something?

'Cause I'm hearing people talk about their four steps

and this and that and this.

He's like, yeah, yeah, just wait till you get six months.

I'm like, okay.

'Cause you know, the guys that raised me,

they were like, slow variety, slow variety, slow variety.

And you know, we get close to around to the six months

and I'm calling him and he's not answering.

And I'm like, what is this?

A couple of days go by and I call my grand sponsor.

I'm like, you know, where's my sponsor?

And he's like, oh, that guy went out.

And I was like, what?

Like he had four years and that's when I learned,

I'm never safe.

I am not safe.

I'm never safe.

This thing is out there.

I will drink 100% guaranteed, I will drink.

It's out there waiting for me.

If I don't keep doing what you guys taught me to do here,

there's no doubt in my mind.

I will drink if I don't keep doing what I'm doing here.

And you know, thank God, I kind of already had,

I already had a team of sponsors.

You know what I mean?

'Cause I need extra help.

You know, these guys, you know, they were, they weren't,

it was unspoken so to speak.

But I would talk to guys that were in different circles

and they would all kind of tell me the same thing.

I was like, what are these guys talking about me?

Is there like a bulletin board?

What's, you know what I mean?

I was like, you know, like, no,

that's how off my thinking is, you know?

And so, you know, I get a new sponsor

and I start going through my steps.

And for whatever reason, I have crazy anxiety

when it comes to writing about me.

You know, I can write technical manuals, SOPs.

I can write stuff like that.

But credit card applications, employment applications,

you know, when they ask you to write out your work history,

I'm like, see resume.

Like, why do you make me do this?

I just, I panic.

And I drove around for four years with no license

because I didn't want to go to the DMV

and fill out paperwork.

And fortunately someone was in the program

and they said, hey, come wait in the line with me at DMV.

So of course I'm going to go help my friend

and wait in the line and we get to the front

and he says, go.

- You suck.

- I fill out the paperwork.

I paid $400 to get my license, you know what I mean?

Like that was me.

That was, I was sober at that time, you know?

But I started watching guys

and I saw that they had something

and all these little things that you were telling me,

like one day at a time and all these stupid things

that I hear over and over and over again,

they actually started working.

They literally mean one day at a time, you know?

'Cause I remember sitting there going, nah, you're lying.

This is supposed to be for the rest of my life, you know?

'Cause I didn't understand, just go to sleep sober tonight.

Just go to sleep sober tonight.

And I did that and I did that and I did that.

And next thing you know, I turned around and oh,

I got a little bit of time, you know?

And so, you know, I went into the four step

and I started doing my four step and I realized,

oh, I'm an asshole and everything's my fault.

That's what the four step told me.

And getting into that fifth, I remember like,

oh, no way am I talking about this, you know what I mean?

Like, and it's funny 'cause, you know,

I told my sponsor the situation and he just looked at me

like, yeah, I would have done that four or five times,

you know?

And I'm sure there might be things

that other people might have viewed as worse.

But for me, the guilt and shame

that I carried about this thing, it was so big to me.

And I realized, oh, okay, you know what I mean?

It's not that big of a deal.

It was a weight that I was carrying

that didn't help at all, you know?

And I'm glad that by the time I got into my four step,

I had known enough to like, oh yeah, it's all your fault.

So when I had to do my amends to my son's mom,

I'm like, all right, it's my fault.

It was a little easier.

And, but I remember just going through that

and looking at all my character defects.

I'm like, oh, why are there so many?

And why do I have all of them?

And, you know, but some of these things, you know,

I'm glad I'm stubborn in ways, you know what I mean?

Because like, I'm not so worried about taking a drink.

I'm worried about blowing my head off.

That's what I'm worried about.

I'm worried about going nuts and blowing my head off

because I think I'm really stubborn

and I'm worried that I'll never come back.

I am worried that I'll never make it back into these rooms.

You know, the doors are always open,

but that doesn't mean I get to walk through them.

You know, I came in here and I realized

that I had gotten a true blessing

and I'm not giving it back.

You know what I mean?

I'm holding onto her for dear life

because I saw some of the people that came in with me.

They went out and when they came back,

they didn't have that spark.

They didn't have that fire.

And I didn't wanna lose what I had.

And I started to understand, you know,

'cause I'm like, gratitude, Liz.

Didn't you hear the problems?

You know what I mean?

I'm $60,000 in debt to child support.

I don't have a car.

You know, I'm going nuts.

Like, and you guys tell me to set up chairs and make coffee.

You guys kidding me?

But I was lucky that I was beat enough

that I just said, okay.

You know what I mean?

I didn't do a lot of fighting.

I was like, okay, okay, okay.

And slowly but surely, slowly but surely,

probably around nine months,

things started to kind of level out a little for me.

You know, it wasn't, there weren't these gigantic swings.

I remember watching like a Captain Crunch commercial

and just starting to cry.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, why am I crying over a Captain Crunch commercial?

You know, like there was the emotional swings

that started happening were just insane.

And I was going to this meeting and this guy, Bobby C,

he asked me how I was doing

and I started bitching about something.

And he just looked at me, he said, nobody cares.

And he walked away from me.

I was like, ouch, you know, but that's when I realized,

I'm like, dude, get to work.

Like, this is about action.

This is about doing something about all these things.

You know what I mean?

Great, some stuff happened to me

that was kind of out of my control, but I'm an adult.

There's things that I can do.

I can go get therapy.

I can, you know what I mean?

There's things that I can do to help things

that happened to me as a child, you know?

And that's when I realized, like, you know what,

the bitching and crying,

that's good for the first three or four months.

But after that, it's like, you got to get to action.

You got to show up to meetings.

You got to take commitments.

You got to read the book.

You got to do the steps.

You got to do all this stuff that you don't want to do

to get this life that you can't even dream of having,

you know?

And that's what I have today for sure.

I have a life, 'cause I remember hearing you guys say that.

I have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

I'm like, why?

I have a life beyond my wildest dreams,

you know what I mean?

I just do.

You know, today I own a small company

and I install safes for armored car companies

inside of commercial properties, you know?

You know, little do they know, you know?

But that's, you know, and sometimes I think,

and still even today, I'm like, gosh,

if I ever get something that's going to kill me,

I'm coming through and robbing all of these.

Like, my head won't stop.

It just, it doesn't stop.

And, you know, I heard something that was like,

oh, what happens up there?

It's only for entertainment purposes.

And that's what I do.

I really just laugh at myself sometimes.

So I'm like, God, what is wrong with you?

You know?

And, you know, I mean, sure, I've made some mistakes

and that's, it's okay.

You know what I mean?

I didn't do anything horrid, you know what I mean?

But naturally, you know, my insecurities step up

and I'm gonna, my pride's gonna jump out.

You know, all these crazy things happen still.

But, you know, I have someone that I can call today

and I can run them by something.

And the conversations are very short.

He's usually like, yeah, you're being an asshole.

You know, and that's what I have to go with, you know?

And that's all I need.

I like to keep things very simple.

My program is very simple.

Don't drink or use, don't be a dick.

Because when it's time for me to work this thing,

I needed to be simple.

I needed to be able to come to me quick, you know?

And I love that I have people that just, you know,

like my, like once again, my friend Jody,

she moved up to Oregon.

But when we talk on the phone,

she's able to be like, are you okay, honey?

You know what I mean?

Like, she could just hear in my voice

when something is wrong.

And that's a crazy connection to have with somebody.

Especially a woman.

For me, you know, having that connection with a woman is,

it's not something that I could ever imagine having.

And it's just such a good place.

I know that I do just about anything for that woman

and she did just about anything for me, you know?

And it's a pure friendship.

You know, there's no other, you know,

side interest or manipulation involved in it.

It's just a good friend.

And you know, I have other guy friends that, you know,

I do just about anything for.

And it's nice to be able to be accountable.

It's nice to be able to show up.

It's nice to be trusted in someone's house.

You know, it's nice to show up for my commitments.

You know, it's nice that when I say I'm gonna be somewhere,

that I'm gonna be there.

Before, I just, I wouldn't make plans.

You'd be like, oh, what are you doing this weekend?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I'm not gonna make plans

because then I have to keep that, you know?

And today, I just put it on my calendar.

Like, hey, be here at this time, you know?

And making these simple changes in my life,

gratitude and understanding that I'm wrong most of the time

helps a lot.

You know, people, they stopped cutting me off

when I started letting them in, you know?

And every time something bad happened, you know,

it's not something bad happened to me,

just something happened around me, you know?

I was involved in it.

And you know, things are good,

but then you have those real tests, you know?

When everything's going great, you know what I mean?

It's easy to have faith in God, you know what I mean?

It's easy to do that.

But then we run into our real test.

And my real test is when my dad died.

And that was my favorite parent.

So it was, you know, it was a hard one for me.

I remember, you know, he used to tell me,

he used to tell me, "I'm so proud of you."

And that's not something that I heard a lot of,

you know, because of my own behaviors,

but he was actually genuinely proud that I was sober.

And it was nice that, you know, in his last years

that I got to help him, and I got to be there for him,

and I got to do things that I wouldn't have gotten to do

if I wouldn't have gotten sober.

And that's because of you guys, you know?

And I talked to him the night before,

and I remember telling him, "I'll see you soon."

And he lived in New Mexico.

I was in Venice in there, so.

But he knew where I'd been.

And so the next morning, he passed.

And I remember waking up, hearing the message from my mom.

And the first thing that I did was I got on a Zoom meeting.

And then I called a friend, and I let her know what happened.

She came in picking me up and took me to a meeting.

Then I went to that meeting, and when I walked in,

they said, "Here, lead our meeting."

And I'm, you know, whatever, I do my pitch,

I do my thing, what I'm supposed to do.

And at the end, I said, "You know what?

"My dad died this morning."

And everybody's like, "What the," you know?

And I told him, I said, "You know what?

"There's one thing I heard in AA, it said

"that we have good days and great days, right?

"And a good day is when everything goes your way

"and you don't drink.

"And a great day is when nothing goes your way

"and you don't drink."

I said, "Today, I'm having a great day."

And this is what I could say the day my father died,

because I knew that, like, you guys had me.

You know what I mean?

You guys had me, and you taught me.

I was on autopilot, and it was so amazing.

Grief is a hard one for me, so it doesn't come out often,

but in the most unoppetend times, it will.

And the other great thing that I also had was

my daughter had a coworker die recently from cirrhosis.

And she called me, she said, "Dad, thank you

"for getting help."

And, like, I knew what I was doing was good,

but I didn't know that it was this good.

I'm gonna leave it at that, but the most important thing

that I have to say tonight is that my life was fucked up.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I did what you guys told me to do, and now it's great.

Thanks, guys.