From Infant Peyote to 15 Years Sober: Robert's Unusual Path

Okay, hi everybody. My name is Robert Baker. I'm an alcoholic. July 3rd, 2010 is my sobriety date.

Feels like a long time ago. I've got 15 years under my belt now, and sometimes it feels like

yesterday. But first off, I really have two sobriety dates. My mother was an alcoholic,

and in 10 years she had three miscarriages. And I have a book of hers, 12 and 12,

and in the front of it, it says March 27th, 1959. And I was born six months later, so

that's my first real sobriety date. I also found out from her about when I was 19 that I had a

spiritual experience and a mind-opening experience as an infant. I had the colic, and I was

driving her crazy, coughing and gassy, and not being very well at all. And there was a native

Indian woman that lived next door. They were in West Texas in the desert, and she said, "I'll be

right back." So she goes off out into the desert, comes back, brews up some kind of a tea, and said,

"Give this to the baby. It's going to help." And so with my mother's wise thinking, she gave it

to me right away, and according to her, I calmed right down. And then she had the thought of mind,

"What did I just give the baby?" Peyote tea. I had a mind-opening experience as an infant,

and I always wondered why I still remember the scent of my mother's cologne, my sin, why I still

as an infant, six months old, one year old, remember my surroundings, patterns, the drapes,

conversations, shadows, and distinctly remember knowing what they were saying to me and trying

to have a conversation with them, and being very frustrated as an infant and a child, and find out

at 19 that I had had that mind-opening experience. It kind of blew me away, and it explained a lot of

things why I was so shy, so scared, so reserved, always scared of the dark, and nothing really

helped. But there was one thing that did help, and that was a little beer. I remember when I was four

years old, my dad used to be sitting in his La-Z-Boy chair watching Ed Sullivan or the

Jackie Gleason show, and he'd have about this much beer left. Well, I had the thought that if I just

went at four years old and got him a beer, and I could open it up with those things called church

keys, you'd pop the top on both sides. He didn't have pull tabs back in those days. And I'd hand

him a cold beer, and I'd take his other beer, and there'd still be a little bit left. And if

he's sitting back in his chair, I could run off and take that beer. And I got a little relief

at four and five years old sometimes, and didn't really realize what I was doing. But I remember

the feeling. All through school, I wanted everything my way, and I never followed really

much instructions from my parents. They gave me a Schwinn bicycle when I was in junior high,

and I rode that thing all around, started a paper route. I always worked. I worked since I was 11

years old. When I got out of high school, I still really wasn't drinking much. My dad made wine,

and we'd have a little sip of that every once in a while. But I wasn't a druggie. I wasn't

an alcoholic. I really didn't partake. I stayed away from it. But on the night that my prom was,

I talked a friend of mine into coming along with me and going to my dad's house and siphoning off

about a gallon of wine out of his little store of it. And we proceeded to drink that whole gallon

of wine with orange juice and got sick as a dog. I remember projectile vomit. Always remember the

vomit. And we had it all over our suits. I had a baby blue polyester suit that I wore to prom with

a ruffled front and a big bow tie. 1977. And my buddy had a green polyester suit on,

and we were covered in red wine. And we were sitting up holding each other sound asleep in

his mother's house the next morning. And she walked in, took a picture of us and said,

"Oh, how cute." And then she made us breakfast. I don't know. It was a different time.

I started working. I'm from Pops, New Mexico, a really small town in New Mexico,

oilfield country. But I always worked in a place where I could eat and drink for free,

either a supermarket or I worked in a restaurant for a lot of years there. We were in direct

competition with the country club. And when I was bartending, I always liked top shelf liquor. And

I was good at selling it and I was better at drinking it. I turned 21 and they took me up

to the end of the mountain gods in Ruidosa, New Mexico. And I drank a whole bottle of Crown Royal

on the way up there. I don't remember getting up there and enjoying myself the way I should have

with my buddies. We were six guys in a Delta 88 Royale, and all going up to the end of the

mountain gods. And we're supposed to be really having a good time. And I was passed out. I

remember waking up the next morning with my head throbbing. And I literally thought I was dead.

I was in this fog. So I knew I was dead because I couldn't see anything around me. And the grass was

perfect. And then a little while later, the fog started lifting. And I could see some water and

I could see some swans. And these swans are making a little noise and they're out there on the water.

And I knew I was dead. And then the sun started coming up and the clouds started to lift a little

more. I realized I'm on the golf course on a green. I'm half naked. I look up at the hotel

and all my friends are mooning me out the window. When I came out to California, I came out here

because of trauma and geographics. I first moved to Massachusetts for this for the summer and did

way too much of everything. And like a summer of experimenting with everything. Acid, MDA,

the whole nine yards, but still always drinking. And when I came out to California, I was I was out

here for about, let's see, this was about 1976. I came out here because my roommate was a major

alcoholic. And I said I was leaving and going out to California. And he could come with me

if he wanted to. But for some unknown reason, he thought it was a very disastrous moment in his

life. So he decided to hang himself with the cable cord. And I found him and couldn't believe what I

was seeing. And I just had to get out of that little town. He was a major alcoholic. I was,

I drank a lot that I was in a major alcoholic at the time, though I'd already had two DUIs in that

small town within 10 years. So when I came out to Los Angeles, I started working up at Universal

Studios at Tony Roma's before city walk was there. And I'm in my early 30s. And that place was known

for all the 21 year old parties. And I was there for almost nine years. Well, six years. And it

was just all these 21 year olds for years and years and years. And I just was and we were

drinking all the time. And I used to drive home but never get home because I was going to all

the bars in different places. And I'd stay at friend's house. And I'd still be in the uniform

when I had to show up the next day from the uniform from the night before. And I was an

absolute mess. My, my ex, we had gone to Palm Springs for a year and run a small hotel. And

we did a lot of drugs in Palm Springs. I don't remember a whole lot about it. I only did crystal

meth once for 10 years. But again, a lot of drinking we drank until the wheels fell off. And

my ex who had AIDS passed away in my living room after languishing for almost a year. And the night

before he passed away, I had gone out and tied a really good drunk on because I'd stopped working

and I had to relieve myself. There was no way to get away from this pressure. And I came back the

next morning and the the girl that was taking care of Dennis was really mad at me because I stayed

away for six hours too long. I'd never done that before. And he woke up and hadn't spoken in over

six weeks. And when he woke up, I said, You're speaking? He goes, Yeah, I'm scared. And I looked

at him and I said, You don't have to be scared. I don't know where this came from. But it just came

to me. I said, There's a little boy inside you. His name is Dennis. And he's scared. He needs to

hold your hand. Go take his hand and walk away. And he died. But I'm amazed that people need

permission sometimes. I moved back to New Mexico for a minute and came back here for a New Year's

Eve party. I don't think I had been at my back into my mother's house for more than four months.

I had lived out here for like nine years. And I came back to that. And I stayed about a month or

so, a couple of months. And then the '94 earthquake hit. And I knew that that was my sign to come back

because everybody here was in trauma. And I wanted to help. And I went back and got all my pre

earthquake dishes, brought them back to Los Angeles, and started a new life. I didn't have

a job at the time. And I met my husband, Robert, who's out in the audience here tonight, my little

Alan also has 15 years now. We've been together for 31 years, going on 32 years of wedded bliss,

if you can call it that. I put him through a lot the first 15 years. I didn't really know how to

have a really good relationship because I was basically a battered husband. The first

relationship I had spoken about with Dennis was very volatile, very angry, very upsetting. And I

had pulled into my cell thinking, "Well, this is what I deserve." And I find somebody walks up to me

in a club and says, "Hi, are you hungry?" I looked at him. I said, "I don't even know you. And I don't

know your name." And he goes, "My name's Robert." And I said, "Right. Who put you up to this?" And

he showed me his driver's license. And his name's Robert. I'm Robert. And in about 15 minutes,

20 minutes, he had me out having pancakes and pork chops at Sidon's Restaurant in North Hollywood.

And the rest was history. I always asked him at the time because I said, "Don't ever hit me." And

he goes, "Why would I do that?" Because I was battered. And I drank a lot. I wasn't drinking

a lot at the time. But for 15 years, I had really bad bouts of drinking where I almost burned the

house down one night. It was very embarrassing to our friends and family. He had a wonderful family

that accepted me as a brother. And I started working for the city of Los Angeles. I worked

for the city of Los Angeles for 25 years. And during that first 15 years of our relationship,

I would go off to Elysian Park or Island Park where I was working at the time. And by 2.30,

time to get off work, I'd stop at a place and get a couple of beers, go to Griffith Park,

drink those. So I could drive all the way to North Hollywood, get a couple of more beers at

another place and fortify that with a little vodka and then try to find a trash can to get

rid of the evidence. I did that on a daily basis for years. So I could go home and start drinking.

And during that time, I had had a dream. And it scared me. It always scared me. In fact,

I would get up in the middle of the night and drink to make the dream go away. I dreamt that

I was in a vehicle without a front end and I was driving across the valley with somebody and we

parked under a tree next to a blue fence with kids play equipment and a light on in the backyard.

And down the street, there was a bicycle tied to a light post. And when I turned, there's always

this black figure at the steering wheel. And I thought it was death coming to get me. There was

also a wall of crosses in the background. It always scared me. I woke up in the middle of

the night sweating sometimes with vomit in my face and, and choking. It seems to be a theme with us

alcoholics. We forget about the vomit, don't we? Every single morning getting up and then throwing

up in the shower for 20 minutes so we can get ready to go to work. That was lovely. But that

dream was always there. So for almost eight years, I had that dream and it scared me and I never

talked about it. And on the last night that I drank, it was July 2, 2010. I remember saying for

the first time, "Do I have enough medicine for the weekend?" So I went to Costco, I got the big blue

bottle of Sky Vodka because it had a pint that was taped to it and you get that for free. It was $19.95

and at Albertsons, it was $30. So if I buy two, I'm getting, you know, I'm getting, I'm getting a

deal. I did that for years. Always filled up the decanters around the house and, and tippled and

made a mess. But that night I drank a whole bottle of Sky Vodka between three o'clock and 5.30 when

Robert walked in the door. And I was pretty messed up, but we still got dressed and we were on our

way to theater that night in North Hollywood. And we get there and I had already peed my khakis and

that was a, that was a theme. I was a peer. I peed myself all the time. I said I always had a jacket

with me and I'd cover up the front, not thinking that it's showing in the back. I walked myself

out of the theater through the back door because I went out to the back to pee because it looked

like there was 20 people in line at the, at the restroom. I'd come to find out there was only two

guys at the in line and I got around to the front of the building and I couldn't figure out which

building to get back into, which theater. There's only one, the Portale on Lancashire Boulevard.

And about five minutes later I remembered that at home I kept throwing up and trying to get vodka

in me that afternoon until it finally started going in. I asked God, is this the last drink

that I have to take? I was looking at a palm tree out my window and I drank that whole bottle down.

And then I realized as I'm laying there on the sidewalk on Lancashire Boulevard, watching the

water go by in the curb, that God had kicked my ass to the curb. Literally the police drove up in

these little green bikes. They got an ambulance and off I was going to, I think it was St. Joseph's.

And what they did, they called everybody in my phone, every girl that I knew they called every,

and they get down there and they say, where is his husband? Well, I have him down as the important

person to call in my phone now. But they called him, they get down there. Belle, my friend Belle,

had slapped me across the head. I was passed out completely. And she was like, oh no, he didn't

bring us down here for this, did he? And I found out later that Robert was ready to, you know,

he was packing up and ready to leave. And I pulled all the needles out late in the morning, early in

the morning and said, I want to go home. And they said, no, Mr. Baker, you have to sit, lay down,

you are done. And I'm leaving, I'm not arrested. So I ended up going home. I told Robert I wanted

to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I asked a friend to come and get me the next morning.

And he said, okay. So he took me to a meeting the next day. And I realized I'm riding in a vehicle

without a front end. And we park under a tree next to a blue fence with kids play equipment. And

there's a bicycle tied to the tree, the streetlight down the street. And I'm crying because I know I'm

going to die now because I am awake. I look over and it's just my friend Kenny and a wall of

crosses behind him. And it's the Comercio men's meeting in Woodland Hills that I went to for my

first meeting. And Kenny says, what's wrong? He says, why are you crying? And so I just figured

out you're supposed to be here. And I said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I know. We all know you're supposed

to be here. He gave me this book, this magical book that is falling apart. It's all marked up.

I didn't want a book. I didn't want to know about a book. I didn't want to know you. I didn't want

to talk to you. I didn't want to know anything about it. But I took this book home. And that

night I closed my eyes and opened the book and I said, okay, God, if you really want me here,

I had the audacity to ask God for a sign after all that had happened. I opened up the book and

under my finger it read, nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

That's the first sentence I read out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought it

was a pretty good sign. I started going to different meetings. And as I had been passed out

for the last 15 years and not available for Robert, I'm at meetings now. And he's like,

well, what am I supposed to do? And two weeks later I said, well, maybe I hear there's a place

for you too. He didn't like that idea. But he found his own way and found Al-Anon. And we

basically at the time had to reintroduce ourselves to one another and become friends again and enjoy

each other's company and learn how to live together. And we've done that for the last

15 years. And during that time, I have gone to so many different meetings. I've gone to Canada with

my buddy Don Crandall a couple of times. We've been to the Atlanta International Convention in 2015.

We've traveled a lot. I got a lot of windshield time with him and a lot of other guys and women.

We like to travel. And then my mentor passed away. He was always one to say, you should always wear

a tie when you're leading. You should always wear a tie when you're speaking. You should always wear

a tie on your birthday. And somewhere in that first couple of years, the first year, I was asked

to speak. And I said, I really like this. And I said, I'm going to cure everyone in AN. I'm going

to wear a funny tie and I'm going to go out and buy a bunch of ties and be known for my ties and

as if any of you drunks out there would realize I had a tie on in the first place. And I wasn't

asked to speak again for two years until I literally got humbled. But during that time,

I bought about 500 ties. And if you're a newcomer or not and you need a tie, you're more than welcome

to one of these ties tonight. Please take one. I still have at least 300 ties to give away. I

have guys coming up to me a year later, two years later, eight years later. I've been saving this

ugly tie. I want you to give me my cake. I'm wearing your tie. So it means a lot to me when

these guys come up and they're happy they've got an ugly tie. I've got a nice ugly tie on myself

tonight. Step six was big for me. We're entirely ready for God to remove all these defects of

character. I'm still waiting and it's been 15 years. I still have defects of character.

And in the 12 and 12 on page 63 is step six. And the prayer that I use is the third step prayer in

the big book. And it asks me to ask God to remove my difficulties. And it's on page 63 in the big

book. I find that to be an odd coincidence that God put that there for me. I have had so many

wonderful experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous. My first meetings at the Valley Club, several

of the women said you've landed in your family of understanding. And I understood that. And my

friend Robin, she basically put her wings around me and took care of me because I was afraid. We're

all in fear when we first come into Alcoholics Anonymous. And we have to give ourselves permission

to do this thing and allow ourselves to open up and open up to the fellowship and the possibility

that somebody out there cares. And that's what it's the big sign at the Valley Club says we care.

And I believe it. The only thing that kind of kept me organized in my first year were these

meeting directories. I wrote down every single meeting that I went to for the first year. I've

got seven directories. Every person that led the meeting, every person that got a little obsessive,

every person that led the meeting, the topic, where it was located, and telephone numbers.

And I can tell you the day that I met my first sponsor, Dave, and all the different things that

happened to me in that first year. And it's a wonderful thing to write things down and have a

ledger of your history as you're coming through and coming into Alcoholics Anonymous. If you've

never done it before, I highly suggest that you just start writing your own history. You'll be

amazed what you were doing 10, 15 years ago when you start reading and where you are today.

After Don passed away, I wasn't getting in the car with guys and gals and driving around. I wasn't

going to a lot of different meetings. I go to seven meetings a week right now. And I'm retired,

but I'm kind of blown away that I actually go to that many meetings. And it doesn't even feel like

it sometimes. Don always said pick a home group and be part of that home group and always go to

that meeting. And if you miss a meeting, it's because there's a death in your family, yours.

He always told me that a home group meeting is your one and only home group meeting that

you vote in. That's what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've heard that some people have two,

three, four different home groups. That's why I go to seven different meetings, but I don't vote

in but one of those meetings. It's just the way I was raised in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that's one of the things that I've taken away from Alcoholics Anonymous. You can support

all these different meetings. You can support the convention and you can support when you

do H&I work and take the message of Alcoholics Anonymous into all kinds of different places.

But what I've tried to take along with me is just that message from my friend. I never realized

that I would miss him so much. And I mean, the man passed away in his mid 80s and I always thought I

had enough time to be with him more and more. Don't ever take advantage of any of your time

here in Alcoholics Anonymous. I noticed tonight, and it was wonderful, that everyone in the room

came up and introduced themselves to me and shook my hand and said hello. And I love that. I hadn't

seen that a lot down here when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And when Don took me up to

see Cecil Corregal, he turned 66 years old in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went to his meeting

and everybody in the room had a big book. And when anybody read anything partial of step three,

a portion of step five, we all read it out of the big book like I did tonight. It keeps me off my

phone. It keeps me centered. That's another reason why my book is falling apart. I've read it at

every single meeting for the last 15 years. Alcoholics Anonymous started in someone's living

room. And in Canada, the two meetings that I went to all have sofas like this. They had sofas around

the room. Every single person went around the room and shook everyone's hand and everybody had

their book. And the other thing that I learned when I was up there was Don was sitting on the

bed one morning in the room we were sharing and he was reading. And I said, "Excuse me,

what are you reading?" He goes, "I'm spending five minutes with God." I went, "Oh my God. Excuse

me. I'll leave you alone. You two are busy." So he asked me later, he goes, "Do you want to know

what that is?" And I said, "Yes." And he said, "It's page 84 to 88 because that's the owner's

manual to that thing between your ears. It's written in plain English. It says that we do

this for a lifetime. It tells you exactly what to do and in order on a daily basis, step 10 and 11.

You don't have to go back and do a complete step four ever again if you're living in 10 and 11

because you do an inventory every single night." And he said, "So it's page 84 to 88. It's the

prayer, third step prayer on 63. It's the seventh step prayer on 76. And in the 12 and 12, it's the

prayer of 99." And he says, "I've been doing that every single day for the last 35 years and I've

been doing it myself now. I did it constantly for five years and now that information is stuck in my

head. And I realize and know what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to do and how I'm to do

it. I hear people all the time saying in Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been here for five years and I

don't know what to do. Something's sneaking back and I don't know what to think and I don't know

where to go. Well, all I can say is they're not reading their book. Talk to somebody. Call me.

We'll go through the book together. You don't have to do it alone. I've read this book so many times

with so many different men and a few women and it's my pleasure and honor to give this away and

show them a new and better way of life that was given to me. It's a very humbling experience for

me and when I find I don't have very much more to say, like right now, it's God tapping me on

the shoulder saying, "You're done," and sit down. So thank you very much, True Quality, for letting

me. That never gets old. Thank you for asking me to be here tonight and thank you so much and don't

forget your ties.