Sandra's Story: First Drink at Nine and Finding Presence

Hi everybody. I'm Sandra, I'm an alcoholic. Thank you Abraham for inviting us to come share.

This is my new experience for Graham and I. This is like really just so sweet, you know,

sharing together. And so, and welcome. I'm glad you're here Maria. So I also just want to thank

the women that have come and the men that have come to support Graham and I tonight. There's,

you know, when we put out into our community here, like what we need or if we need support,

like, you know, people show up, you know, it's like, you know, we have to learn that here. You

know, I got to learn that here that, you know, as, you know, one of my sponsors who's online here,

you know, shared with me just early on, she would just drill into me, your present matters,

you know, and that was just, that was like a shocking, the first time she ever said that to

me, like just hit, it was like someone just like, it like hit me so deep and hard. I'd never

considered that. I had never considered that because, and so just to like share, you know,

kind of what it was like, what happened and what it's like now, you know, Graham and I are a little

bit similar. Like I just, I never remember ever feeling comfortable in my own skin. And, you know,

I would see kids playing on the playground just from a very young age, just running around,

laughing and playing. And I just be like, what, what are they laughing at? What are they talking

about? And what is so funny? Like life was just serious always from this. And as long as I can

remember, and my first drink, I had a, I have a brother that's six years older than me. So he's,

and you know, he's my kind of my whole memory of my childhood is him drinking or using or something,

you know? And so it was around and, and my parents were big partiers and there was just alcohol

everywhere, everywhere in closets and like cases and then bars and like, you know, just everywhere.

No one was keeping track of any of it either. And so when I was nine, excuse me, I had this cold

it's three weeks ago. I just have just like, you know, I'll go with, I'm not contagious.

And you know, when I was nine and my brother was 15 is when my parents started, like we lived in,

in one town and they had a lot of friends that were about 45 minutes away in another town. So

they spent a lot of time away from our home with their friends partying. And we were left to,

you know, 15 year old and a nine year old, you know, we had a lot, we did a lot of drugs and

alcohol. And my first drink was when I was nine. And I just remember this feeling of like,

everything just kind of went like this. And I was like, how did I not know about this? Like,

it was like magic and it just changed everything. I felt like I fit in my body for the first time

ever. And, and the, the world made sense, you know? And and so, you know, I, excuse me,

um, you know, so I, you know, drank a lot for being that young. And I remember when, um,

Bram was, is my firstborn. I have two children, but I remember when Bram turned nine, I was like,

oh my God, like, that's really, that's like a little kid. You know, I like that. I just felt

like old and used up, or I just felt like I was having to figure out the world on my own. And I

was because, you know, I had a dad that had, you know, lots of isms, um, and a mom that was

depressed and, you know, an untreated Al-Anon laser focused on my dad. And, um, and they,

you know, there was just no room for kids in that, you know, and, um, you know, no one was paying

attention to anything and to certainly to like feelings or struggles or, you know, my brother

was the one that kind of acted it all out. And, um, I could see how that was going for him. It

was not going very well. He was like the problem. And he had all this focus on him and I was like,

I'm just going to like, go free. You know, I was the one that had to sneak out my window. Like I

could, I grew up in Kansas, so it was cold. So I would, you know, I had these little windows that,

bottom windows that would, that you could roll out and like, you know, sneak out and then stick your

arm in. You'd have to like get it as close as you could. Cause you didn't want the cold air going in

and signaling anything. Um, I did that all the time and, um, I just wanted to go do what I wanted

to do, but I didn't want to pay any consequences. And that was like the story of my life on repeat,

like in any, you know, I could fill in the blank. Um, just do what I want to do when I want to do

it, how I want to do it and without regard for how it might impact anybody else. And, um, you know,

that and alcohol was like my primary tool. It was, you know, I was like, I, you know, alcohol was

the thing that, um, filled me with this sense of worth value. Um, I felt seen, I felt important.

I felt like in the middle of life, I felt like I could actually stand to be around other people,

like being with other people on the natural. So like literally painful, it was just so

uncomfortable. And, um, so, you know, that was my experience with alcohol and, um, you know,

my brother, you know, I got into, you know, and then insert boys and like an obsession,

like any kind of obsession, like as much drama as possible as, you know, much chaos as much sneaking

around lying, like just by danger, all of those things, you know, you know, putting my, just,

just complete disregard for like my physical, emotional, spiritual safety. Like it just was,

it didn't matter. Like, and, um, um, so, you know, the fact that there was this substance

on the planet that like made everything make sense and made my life work until I didn't, um,

you know, for me, um, was, you know, that, that was just my, that's how I, you know, grew up. Um,

when I was 17, my brother went to his first treatment. Um, and just to back up a little

bit, like I, um, you know, I, um, I don't want to stick too far too much with what it was like,

but, um, when he went to treatment, I was like, it was shocking to me because I had no idea that

what we were doing and, you know, you know, I did do a lot of drugs, but only the drugs that

could help me drink more. It was really all the alcohol was the thing like, and you know,

when you're young, sometimes you can't be picky. Like, so if you can't get alcohol, you know,

whatever is around is fine. But, um, alcohol was always my preference. That was the thing that

always worked for me. And, um, you know, I would give my brother this like list of alcohol. Like,

you know, he would just go to the, you know, I could just get whatever I wanted. It was in the

house. I had a brother, you know, so I had a lot of access to it. And then he went to treatment

when I was 17 and I was like, wait, what? Like, is this, there's something wrong with what we're

doing? Like, I just, you know, it like really, and it did not look fun. So my keen thinking was like,

okay, I'm just gonna like, I'm just gonna nip this right now because I don't want to be an alcoholic

and I don't have to go to treatment. I don't want to have to do any of that. Um, so I stopped

drinking. I just cold Turkey stuff drinking for almost a year. And, um, my life started to unravel.

Like I, um, the, all the reasons why I picked up that drink in the first place, um, where, you

know, it was right there. Um, and I had not matured or grown or developed any kind of social skills,

any kind of personal skills, any kind of life skills, you know, I was, I was just, you know,

drinking. Um, so here I am, you know, I'm in high school and, um, you know, when I'm dating someone,

a friend that was in that, it's like, I just, my life like imploded, I imploded and, um, and I, um,

wound up going, um, on a trip with some girlfriends and, um, it was in to Colorado.

So I don't know if any of you know about, but I didn't know this about Colorado that it's,

but you can drink. I also, you can drink when you're 18 in, in, uh, you can drink beer when

you're 18 in Kansas and in Colorado, and it's the same, but in Colorado, they have a cutoff time.

Like, like at a certain time, I think, I don't know, maybe two AM or something like you cannot

get alcohol literally anywhere. Like there it's locked up, no liquor store, no grocery store,

no nothing, no bar, no nothing. You cannot get it. But I did not know that. So we, we're drinking

and I'm not done drinking. And there's like no more alcohol to be had anywhere. And I was like,

this cannot be like, it was like, just blew my mind. And my reaction, like so much rage came out

of me. Um, like it was like, just, um, it was the first time I, you know, when I got into program

and, you know, I had to lift it down, we were going through the book together and they pointed

out that like difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic that phenomenon of craving. Once

you take that first drink, like you just don't have control, don't know how much you're going

to drink or what's going to happen, or if you can stop or not. But, you know, that was a really

important experience for me because, you know, I picked a fight with like a 300 pound bouncer.

Like I just was like, um, and I was drinking other people's drinks, like at the bar. Like,

I was just like, there, I could not stop drinking. Like it wasn't. So it was, um, it was like a

mental, physical torture that I was like, that's probably not normal relationship with alcohol.

And, um, and so like the rest of my life started to like, you know, just implode. And, um, I did

eventually make a call. I was in my first year of college. I made a call to my mom and, um, I was

having, you know, maybe I had broken up with a boyfriend or we were having trouble or something.

And, um, and I just said, I really, I still didn't like connect, like that I'm an alcoholic,

you know? Um, and, but I knew, I just thought I was going crazy. Like I just thought, you know,

so when she offered treatment to me, I had an aunt that had gone to treatment and she had gone

to treatment for codependency. And I thought, well, maybe that's my problem. And like, to me,

I was like, yeah, I think other people are my problem. Yeah, I can't be. I don't know. I just

needed some sort of help because I knew like I wasn't able to hold it all together. Like the

wheels were falling off the bus. And, um, and so I wound up going to treatment and, um, you know,

it was kind of like this sliding time. It's got like four to seven weeks. Of course I was there

at the maximum amount of time. And like, that's when I, you know, got introduced to the big book

and, um, just, um, just to, and, and to AA meetings. And, um, I mean, we went to AA meetings

really just to have the coffee and donuts because you couldn't have caffeine and sugar at this

treatment center. And, um, so, um, I know it was awful. So it was like, what are they going to do

with AA? So I don't remember anything that was said in any of those meetings, but I will tell

you, so I, at the end of that, um, the gift was, they said, um, you know, I was like, just like,

let me just get out of here and like get back to my life. And, um, you know, they said, you know,

of course go to AA meetings. Okay, sure. Sure. But when I went, did my outtake, they said,

we think that you should go to Silver Living and, um, for a year. And I just, I had that moment.

I said, okay. They said, do you want to go to Baton Rouge or Pacific Grove, California? And

I was like, California sounds better. I mean, I knew nothing. So I went to this, um, this Silver

Living. I, and, um, it was gorgeous. I was in Pacific Grove and, uh, you know, and, um, I just

remember going to my first AA meeting there. Like I was like, okay, I had kind of participated in my,

this choice here. And that's like, okay, let me see what, and it was kind of similar to this room,

but bigger. And, um, I don't know, there may be a hundred people in this meeting and there was a guy

in a suit sharing his story. And, um, I, you know, I was looking at the steps on and there were so

many God words are like, you know, and, um, and I just, you know, I, I thought he was like the

president of AA or something. He had his suit on. I was like, I'm going to talk to him afterwards

if I can get a pass on some of these. I don't think, you know, God is, you know, it's like,

there's just two, you know, I can't do that. That's like, and, um, so I, and also in those

meetings, it was the first time I, um, just identify, I felt at home, you know, I just,

I felt like, um, hope, like I, I believe that people, what they were saying, you know, and it,

and, uh, there was a safety here and, and, um, you know, I was just messy, but messy. And, um,

I felt like it was a place I could just be messy and just be loved back to health and, um, back to,

um, you know, some sanity. And, um, so what, you know, I remember in that meeting too,

it was the first time I heard myself laugh. I mean, some of you know me, I have a kind of a

big laugh and, um, I didn't know that. I really didn't know that. And like, just like, there's

just something about like truth and reality that we get to just be who we are. It's like the,

the gift that Aha is giving me is, you know, it's introduced me to myself. Um, it's, you know,

a long road. I'm never done. I'm never done with that. There are so many layers to this onion,

this person that I am. And, um, and it's like, you know, when I, when I'm teetering on my disease,

I don't love that we're never done here. When I'm in the middle of my disease, that is the most

exciting, exhilarating thing. You know, it's like, I can go as deep as I want to go and be

as free as I want to be. And it, there's just, it's infinite, you know? Um, and you know,

this has just been such an amazing, an amazing journey here. And, um, I, I was there. So I was

in Monterey for a year and then I decided to go back to, I tried to go back. They have a

community college chair. I tried a couple of times to go to classes. I just, I couldn't

do, I just, I eventually got with a little job that I could do, but I just, I wasn't much of a

functioning person. I just needed to really just go to a bunch of me. I went to like two, three

meetings a day. I went to fellowship after every meeting. I just dove into the middle. I had

commitments at every meeting and that's just what I needed to do. Um, and, and I'm so, so grateful

for that because it was the foundation I was pouring for myself. And, and in, you know,

like a few months, it's going to be 40 years. And I, you know, there have been dark, dark times.

Life happens like it's lifey stuff happens. And, um, and sometimes it's like, just, I go back to

the basics. Like when I just feel like, I can't, I can't feel God in my life. I can't find, you know,

I, I just feel, um, untethered, you know, just back to the basic meetings, picking up the phone,

you know, putting pendant paper and, um, you know, getting another student. And, um, and, you know,

so for today, you know, well, I don't, I don't really know what this, so anyways, I'll just,

what time do I remember? Um, so I was about, um, I remember when I was in, I was done with

my first year. I was, um, getting close to the end of my first year and someone said, um, you know,

I was trying to figure out what to do next, kind of what to do with my life. And, um, and someone

just said, if you could do anything, what would it be? And don't listen to your head. And I was

like, such a great disclaimer because, you know, I was like, I want to be a designer. And then as

soon as that thought came in, I don't really know where that thought came. It's not like I'd been,

and, um, I, my head's like, you can't even draw stick people. I'm like, wait, you know,

like you can't, you know, like there's, and then, so I just, I literally took this first. Okay. I

just, I went to the library cause that's what you did. It was before the internet. And, um,

I did believe, um, and, um, with that program and found a program in Long Beach that, um,

looked interesting. So I applied, I got in, I packed everything I had in my little car

and drove too long. I didn't have a place to live or anything. I just, I went to this orientation

thing. It's like hoping to find near somebody to live with. I don't know. And, um, I found someone

to live with. And, um, so I'm down now I'm down now I'm away from my AA group that I got my

foundation in, you know, and I'm down there and, um, I'm going to meetings and I want to jack

needles in my eyes. I'm like, Oh, it just felt like such a chore. There was no joy in the meeting,

you know, it's like, and, um, I was just so, so close to taking the drink. And, um, and so I,

this is how I talked to God at the time. It's like, okay, God, I'm going to go to one more

meeting and you know, and then I'm going to go drink because if this is how sobriety feels,

I'd rather be Jackie. Um, you know, so I walk into this meeting and this woman is sharing

and she is, um, my age and she has five years of sobriety. And, um, she's talking about this group

and she's, she is lit up. Like she just like light is like just coming out of her. And, um,

she was just talking about this group and how, um, and I just, and how much fun she was having,

all the things she was doing. And, and I just went up to her after and said, take me with you.

And, um, it was like an hour drive from where we live. And it's like, I was like, okay, I'm just,

I was desperate. And I just, I got in the car and we, and I went to this meeting with her and

I remember walking into the meeting and there was like, people were dressed up, they were laughing

and smiling and, um, their, the lights were, their eyes were sparkly and they were just, they were,

they, everyone knew everyone. I was like, I felt like I'd walked onto another planet. I was like,

what is happening here? Like all these young people and, um, just living life and having fun

and being sober. And, um, we just, you know, I dove into that group and, um, I commuted there

for a long time and then I eventually moved up and, um, then commuted to school. Um, and that's

where I, um, really spent the next 10 years and, um, changed my life, changed my life. Um, and I

just, I fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous and service and the fellowship and, um, and

the camaraderie, you know, what is, you know, one alcoholic to another. And then I, you know,

I learned how to be with other people, you know, these were big meetings, you know, I, I am,

you know, I'm still that kid that doesn't want to talk to anybody, you know, and, but I got

commitments like, um, the greeting commitment where you just have to shake hands that we didn't

even call me that as shake him, you know, and, um, or serve coffee cause there's a table between you

and you get to say hi to everybody, but you don't have to like have a conversation because I still

didn't know really how to do that. Um, so, and then, um, I got a sponsor that would have these,

um, meetings with other women that she sponsored. And I just remember going to the first one just,

I cannot wait till this is over. So I could never ever do this again. I've been in the way too

intimate, like everyone's really talking about their feelings and there are some people that are

crying, like, you know, it just, um, and I, so I learned little by slowly by taking a lot of

contrary action, you know, because I wanted what other people have. I could see the, you know,

even though that was super uncomfortable to me, I could see the intimacy. I could see the value.

I could see how I could see lives changing, you know, and I could, I could hear their stories and,

um, and I did want that. I just didn't really want to take all the contrary action needed to do that,

but that's why I had a sponsor because, you know, I get good orderly direction and I was willing,

you know, I was willing. Um, and you know, and now I have those meetings with myself.

And, um, you know, and I, you know, and I, I met my husband and, you know, in AA and, um, we, we

were friends for like a year. Um, I didn't really, you know, he just really became like my best

friend and, and people thought we were, you know, dating. I was like, oh, it's like my buddy, you

know, like I didn't know. And, um, you know, it was him, you know, I've had to, I really had to

go on this journey with God. I will tell you like, it's first, first, it was like the room,

like, that's why I went to so, so many meetings for a long time. I still go to a lot of meetings,

um, because there's a power greater than me in this room, like right now. And, you know,

I can feel that, you know, and then that, that segway into, you know, I had, I had a hard time

with the, with the Lord's Prayer. I had to read Emmett Fox's, you know, Breakdown of the Lord's

Prayer. I just, I needed to know, like, what is it that we're saying here? Why, why, this just feels

too religious. And I just had, you know, I'm not, nothing against, you know, any, I mean, I used the

word God today because I feel like it is so expansive. It is such an expansive word. To me,

it's not a narrow word. It is so expansive. And I'm, today, I am curious and fascinated about

different religions and practices, you know, it's like, there's whatever, you know, I just feel like

my heart is open and, um, I have, I have been, I've received the next, you know, spiritual

experience along the way that I'm supposed to have. And they just keep happening. And I,

because I keep, you know, opening myself to what's next. And, um, and, you know,

I feel like I've been taught here to have an attitude of, um, you know, I've never done,

you know, I haven't arrived. I haven't figured anything out, you know, and just, you know, and

when I can really just, you know, live in that way, like the gifts and the things that get revealed

and the experiences I get to have are really beautiful. And, um, and they're, they're what

I need, right when I need them, you know, and I've discovered some really important spiritual

concepts. They're like, I don't have to do anything alone ever, you know, and I have what

I need when I need it, just exactly what I need it. I just have to stick where my feet are. And I

can't, you know, page 86 through 88 of the book are just like magic pages to me. You know, it,

it tells us how to, how we actually can feel our intuition and, and how it can be returned to us.

For most people growing up in alcoholism, you know, it's pretty obliterated. And, um, so those,

you know, when I actually do the things that it says in those pages, and I say those prayers that

it says in those pages, um, you know, that is like the life changing. And, you know, just what I

learned from those pages is taking the next indicated step, like what is in front of me,

you know, God's will is the thing that's just right in front of me to be done. And when I start

taking action for an intended result, I've just, I've stepped away from God's like, just, what's

the next thing what's in front of me to be done, even if there's a big gargantuan decision to be

made? I, you know, I still just have to, what is the thing that's in front of me? What am I doing

right now? And just leaving the results up to God, like, I'm going to know, I'm going to know what I

need to know. You know, um, I did, I did get married. I grew up with, um, Chris and, you know,

in AA, we grew up together, you know, we were young and, and, um, and we had two boys, we had

the silver homes and, you know, we had an AA home where people would, you know, we had parties and,

um, and, um, you know, we started to grow apart about 10 years ago or so started to grow apart.

And I, um, I really just, you know, had to surrender this marriage. You know, I just said,

all right, God, I'm willing to be married. I'm willing not to be married, but today I am married.

So just show me how to be the best wife that I can be best wife and partner and friend. And, um,

and that was really, that was really helpful because God came right in as soon as I just,

and, and the other thing that happened is like, all these women started coming into my life one

after another hungry for program and wanting to go through the steps, wanting to like have these

book studies and getting to get, you know, it's like, and I just thought, that's a really

interesting college. Like, you know, I surrender my marriage and then you thrust me into the big

book with these women that, you know, where I get to see them transform and I get to see like God

in their lives. And that is, um, and, and, you know, there was a lot of, you know, I,

I am not with Chris today. We separated a couple of years ago. We are divorced. And, um, you know,

that, um, I don't think about my marriage as like a failed marriage at all, at all.

Like, I just feel like this is a next chapter. And, um, you know, we had a really great marriage.

We really did. We have two beautiful, amazing, incredible boys. And, um, and, you know, we were,

we're, and we are still good life partners, you know, we are. And, um, and, you know,

I don't know why that, you know, I, I just know, like, I, I cannot self, when I really try and

force a solution or self-will my life, it doesn't go well for me or anyone. And it just, it just

cuts me and everyone I love off from the sunlight of the spirit. I'm trying to hide it.

And, you know, when, you know, it was like everything that I've kind of done major in my

life, you know, I really don't want to self-will things anymore. It just, you know, it really has

to, you know, if I can just do the work that I need daily, I have access to, um, a God voice

that really does guide my life. And, um, you know, when it was time for that marriage to be over,

it was like, it was so loving, quiet, and calm. It was just like this. And, um, I had done a lot

of work, but, you know, uh, I had done a lot of writing, a lot of inventories, and, um, and,

you know, when there's a truth that's revealed, if I can have a decision to make, you know,

am I going to ignore that? You know, that's, I start to harm myself and others, like, you know,

start shoving down, trying to manipulate and control reality, shoving down feelings I don't

want to have. And, um, you know, that's just not, um, I have other tools today, you know,

I have other tools and, um, and so for today, um, you know, I'm learning, you know, how to play,

how to be on my own. I am, um, you know, learning more about myself and, you know,

I feel like I'm on just like a really, another, a whole other chapter that I didn't know

I was going to have. And, um, and, you know, and, and I, um, for him, like, we, uh, we've talked,

you know, frequently, just like what a gift this time is to like, you know, to be with him during

this time of sobriety and that he is, you know, I love having, having you at, you know, it's awesome.

And, you know, we have our coffee, daily readers, meditate, and then we go to our meetings. We go to

morning meetings and, you know, that's when we start our day. And that's what, that's also what,

you know, I, I have to get up early. I have to get ahead of my, um, disease every day. And, um,

and it takes, it takes a few hours of my time. Most of the time I get up, you know, read, write,

pen the paper. I make some calls. I take some calls, you know, do reading, meditating. It's

like people always, but it's like, that's what it takes for me to be like, you know, pass as a human

in the world. You know, I'm, I'm a good worker. I, you know, people trust me, people trust me

with their kids. Um, you know, I went back and I got, you know, I got a couple degrees here in AA.

Like that was like, you know, talk about a lot of contrary action and things like that. That was,

that was tough. And, um, that was, that was another good thing. I'll just, I just want to say

this one thing. I was sitting in a meeting and someone was talking about going back

and getting another degree. And, um, and I was just, I was sitting there and it was just like,

it just pierced my heart. And I was just like, God, I just knew like, that was like a giant

God tap for me because someone had, you know, I've been encouraged, been encouraged to go back and

study this one area. And, um, and I just thought, Oh God, please don't send me back to school. So

hard. So really like we can do anything one day at a time. And, and we, I cannot do anything alone.

I can't, I don't have to, but I actually, I can, I have to, I get humbled so quickly when I try and

figure things out on my own and, and, um, to run my life. So I, um, I'm so grateful that there is a

place and all of these, uh, steps, and this is how we, you know, these are the steps. This is how we

develop a relationship with God. Every time I've gone through these steps, I wind up with a deeper

relationship with God and myself. And, um, you know, and this is a really, the fact that we,

any of us are here sober, even one day is, you know, it's a miracle. So thanks for when we have

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