April 2018: From a Breakup to Sobriety and Grief

Wow. Do you think my name is Elmer and I am an orthoholic?

My last week was April 27th, 2018. April 28th, 2018 I woke up and I did not drink.

I think it was one of them. It was the day that I made the decision and I remember it was kind of

like going through a breakup you know. It was me that bottle never talked back to me and she never

actually where are you, who are you with, even though I walked higher. And later I came to find

out that my mind is kind of swerving. The squirrels hide things and they forget where they leave

things. So I was kind of like that. My drinking took me to a point where it was like a mission

impossible to hide it. And I kind of got tricked into doing it. Well, somebody texted me today like

can you speak for me? And I'm like sure, quality of life. I'm like quality of life. I've been

coming to quality of life before. The podium was the same. The meeting at another place but the

parking was kind of weird. But back then I didn't have a car and treatment would bring me there.

You know, I went to treatment and I've been to PG. I've been to the yard. I'm grateful that I

got to meet Clancy and he's watching girls play volleyball. It's fun but I had to go across the

street to play softball. But it was a good fellowship. But anyways, I'm very grateful

for that. I have lots of good friends in that. He would take our goal with him to PG, you know,

to support him because you know, I believe in all the fellowships. They'll help, right? Anyways,

he recently passed away. Mom texted me that he's no longer here. He ended up relaxing and he was

on a ventilator. Then he had to learn how to walk again and he was too embarrassed to go into

disability. So, you know, depression is real guys. But anyways, my journey began April 2018.

I am a New York transplant. I came from New York to conduct rehab. Yay! Anyways, it wasn't my first

time. I was like 42 years old now. I was 25 the first time that I went to treatment but I went

there because apparently the way I drink is not normal. And I kept waiting for the hospital,

5150s. I like wearing slip-resistant socks. I'm an escape risk. So every time I wake up

I'm handcuffed or tied down to the bed. Tied down to the bed meant that they found me somewhere,

passed out and they were trying to bring me back to life. Because if I was handcuffed that means

that I committed a crime. And that's the worst when they're reading what you did the night before.

So I am a, what do they call it? A retired black art artist. I am, I drank like a pirate and the

nurses was, it was all come out of it. And there were times that I'll drink on like on a Friday

and I'll come out of here once again, you know, and then I felt, I felt that shame and guilt,

you know, disgusted like, oh not again, you know, why Elmer? Why can't you just drink like a

gentleman? And an accident nurse said, you know, is it Saturday? And they're like, no honey,

it's Tuesday. It's Monday today. Oh, my first view is being in a holding cell. A man is sitting

on the toilet. And if you've ever been in an eight by 10 in a holding cell, you know what I'm talking

about, you know, that's not a good vision, you know, to wake up like that. And I'll get released

and I'm taking multiple showers and I still feel disgusted by myself. And what do I do to feel

better? Anyways, so I lasted like a year and six months. My parents are from El Salvador. I was

born in New York, Long Island. I grew up in Hempstead. My area code is still 516. I do not

want to trade that because I am very proud of where I am from. My first rehab was a place called

Pelagram State. It's a site work. It's a 5150. It's called CK Post. And that's where people go

and they have their developing web brain, you know, because apparently the way I drink is like

a boxer. I have a lot of stagging and I will fall. I have a lot of scars today. But a lot of my

career was bar backing. That's the bartender's assistant. I worked for the Irish a lot. My mom,

you know, growing up playing bars and restaurants. So they started to bring me and they would see me

and they're like, oh, you're a big fellow. We could use you, you know, maybe no stock bottles,

empties put away. We could marry liquor and do all this. Move kegs and wash glasses and all that.

And because my mom works two jobs, you know, she, you know, she never drank with me, never sat down

and said, let's smoke a cigarette. And, you know, she always told me that you have to work with what

you want. At eight, I went to school. So my first problem was lying and stealing. My first problem.

I'm not going to stand here and tell you that at the age of 10, 11, 12, it was, you know, slamming

and doing drinking and doing all the other things. No, my problem was lying and stealing. Because my

mom only provided a place for me to sleep and find what I needed and go to garage sales because I

didn't grow up with my dad. My dad was an alcohol addict. He would hate her. So he left and he had

her, you know, apparently he would leave me on the streets and all that. But anyway, she provided to

the best that she could. She worked really hard. And she told me at the age of 18, if you know,

I'm grateful that before Columbine happened, because I come from bullying and I remember,

you know, lining up bathroom on fire at school and I got charged with that. And this is before

Columbine even happened because I didn't know how to, you know, control my anger, how to express

things. Nobody believed me. So I grew up on the streets and I don't see these guys on the streets,

which are gang members. And, you know, I would look up to them and I see that how they will handle

things. So I thought that violence was the answer. I ended up going to, you know, juvenile detention

centers, seeing psychiatrists at a young age. And then at fifth grade, they put me in special ed

because apparently it's not normal to lock teachers out of class with them. Hate other kids.

Once I reached ninth grade is when I really was angry. I was really angry. So I was, you know,

calling, I ended up towards the end, I called a bomb threat and because I didn't want to go to

school and I was tired of these kids making fun of me. So I was going to show them. But I was

hanging out with the kids, you know, smoking cigarettes, drink some Budweiser. And I thought

that was cool. You know, mama gave me $20 and she's like, oh, you know, and I will. And then

I started barbecuing at the age of 16 and I'm waiting to get paid and I can drink. And, you know,

and it was, it was fun. You know, I thought this is, this is life. $200 a night for a 16 year old.

Um, so I got, you know, I, I, um, and then I have a brother that follows me and we were drinking

buddies either here or he was a year younger than me. It's seven of us than my mom and I have

different dads, you know, I'm the oldest and I have another, I had another step that I've had a

couple of step-dads. Um, and they were all, you know, being mean to my mom. They would hate her

and I would try to defend her. And, but they were always trying to give me advice and I'm like,

you're not my dad. Don't tell me how to live my life, you know, for you, you know? Anyways,

but there's one right now towards the end that he really helped my mom and I really put her

and him through a lot. I'm very grateful when I had to make amends to him. And he's like,

I'm just grateful that you're not living the way you were, that you're not living the way you were

before. So I ended up just blessing a year and six months. I kept working in the bar industry and

bar backing. And I remember that day that I made the decision because I started, I was basically

really taking dirty chips and I took a dirty cake cause I was drinking, you know, Meason eggs and

other things. And I thought it's okay. I'm like, they're not going to know the best is going to a

meeting in a parking lot, charging a Meason eggs and going in there and be like, Oh no, it's over.

Yay. But anyways, I, it didn't take long before, you know, beer was not giving me the effects that

I needed. I went straight to liquor. No, if I drank with you, I, if you were drinking, I mean,

I will go to dive bars where if I had a little bottle of water, they would have, you know,

make a little more, a high degree in order, of course, because to an alcoholic that's water,

you know, to rehydrate, but, you know, and heavy pour when I will order, you know, spray from the

rail, no top show. Cause I'm trying to make my money scratch anyways. So it got worse. This time,

you know, I finally, I, you know, they say that you have to remember your last drink and I did

run on my last drink. That's why I stayed. My sober date is 4/27. My last drink was 4/27/2018

and I came to California. And what I did differently this time, I was, I went to treatment.

The first time I went to treatment, I went there with, I guess, a reservation to show my mom that

I don't have a problem. You know, there's unfortunate events happen, supernatural things

happen when I drink and, you know, this, you know, but I wanted, you know, the delusion that I could,

I was very delusional that I could drink like a gentleman one day. And then what happened this

time, I remember, you know, my last, I remember shoving a bottle of vodka cause mine makes it 151

of vodka cause I had to get right to the point. Because beer became too bloated, I'm burping and

hiding it cause like I mentioned, I'm always hiding it. So I'm 35, you know, I was like 35,

still living with mom. I try to get hostages and victims, but the ones that I would be would be at

the bar or parties and they drank like I did. So there was an attraction, but they ended up,

you know, sleeping with somebody else. And these things happen when we black out, you know. So

it didn't work out. I'm grateful I never brought kids to this world cause I was not even ready to

be at that, that I know of to this day. But what ended up happening is that I woke up that day and

I remember shoving a bottle of vodka cause it was like, I would drink the big ones. And I remember

putting it down in that black down and then I woke up and I had, I knew that I was in hospital

cause I would wake up with the little bracelet or I'll be taking a shower and I feel these ETGs or

sometimes it will leave that factor in me. And that's the worst when you have a catheter and,

you know, um, if you haven't had one of those, you might as well just don't drink or use, you know,

they're not very comfortable. But anyways, that's how I knew something was wrong. So I remember

sitting in my room, my bed did not have any sheets on it cause I tend to lose control of my bowel

movements when I drink and use. Um, and I was sitting there, like they say, covered in my own

piss. Um, there were times that I would hear the knock and she's like, we need to talk. This is my

mom. And she'll be in tears sometimes cause the guy, her husband, my stepdad was like, no, he has,

he has to leave. Stop being nice to him. And she will fight the world. Like I could be setting the

world on fire and committing a crime and she'll be standing there going, my son is just going through

something. He's a good boy. Um, so I was very cold dependent as well. Um, cause I knew if I relapse

and I mess everything up, then she'll play hard at first, but then she'll, you know, let me in.

My grandma passed away at the age of 99. Um, and now it's another person that really stood up for

me. And I'm really grateful that I got to make amends to her before she left this world. Cause

that was a woman that raised me and, you know, and she'll be struggling. And there were times that I

would steal from her just to go get my fix, you know, while she's struggling and paying for me to

have a roof and all these things. And I'm grateful that I, that I, that she, she told me before she

left this world, I could be in this world knowing now that you're not suffering, you know, cause she

hated to see me on the streets and, you know, covered in stuff and people make talking about

me. Anyways, I came to California this time because I remember waking up my, I had a car,

but my mom believed in me. She, you know, she put insurance on it cause I couldn't afford a lot of

things. And HR would deposit the money into her account because I was not good at managing my own

money. Like I mentioned, 35 years old, still living with mom and I kept trying to reach goals,

but I could never reach them. I can never reach like, and she did a lot of comparison, you know,

my cousins had kids, they have houses. Elmer has, you know, jobs that are not, they're not,

they don't pay well, but you know, you could, he has opportunity to get better, but I never like,

I thought towards the end of my drinking that this is it. Like a lot of people I've heard before,

you know, I would drink and I say, I hope this is the last time, you know, I hope I passed away

cause I was too scared to actually hurt myself. But apparently the MTA, Metro Transit Authority

in New York states it and they've shown me videos that I will walk the tracks and tell them that I

went ahead myself. That didn't work. I believe, you know, I've heard that I'm on borrowed time.

I've heard that sometimes for us it's they sober me that we're pushing our death date a little

back. But anyways, I came, I remember that they, my sister took the plates off the car cause my

thing was straight getting, cause I used to work at a lab where they test salmonella in the Syria

and I did a lot of work there under the influence. The worst is coming out of a blackout while you're

driving or working, you know? And then, so I had, I had a good policy to come and they could go,

you can go to California for treatment cause my sister took the plates off the car and she's like,

you gotta get help. And the worst is when they would send me videos, you know? And I'm like, damn,

I don't remember that. Oh my God, did I do that? No. Family gatherings are like, oh my God,

do you remember that on my mind? I'm like, no, I don't remember. But yeah, wow, it was great.

But you know, those are the things, and I used to hate that feeling that I can't remember the

memories that I will make with people or things that would happen. I didn't go to a lot of

concerts. I didn't really have a, towards the end of my drinking, my drinking isolates. My drinking,

you know, I was like, I mentioned like a squirrel. I go to, it's like a magnet. My car was like a

magnet or me walking. Liquor store, home, liquors, work, work. And then, you know, like that. I don't

think, when am I going to drink today? Vodka, whiskey. How much can I afford? Oh, $20? Maybe

to buy a $10 gallon and pack a cigarette. And that's not a way to live. You know, my room

looked like a sanctuary. Well, fine. Like I mentioned before, my mom would try to talk to

me and they would try to get me out of the room. And there were times that I would wake up and my

throat so dry that I'll be so dehydrated that I did not want to face the music out there that

I would drink thinking that there's liquor in those bottles that I will have in my room,

but they're actually me and I will drink it. Yes, do not face the music. Do not talk to this woman.

And I'm sharing this because this is where it took me. And these are the things that I think about

when the thought to have one sitcom. So I really want to go back to that. And now I understand why

when they make you do step work, why you write things out because I could forget things. And

there's times now because I do have a room now in an apartment and I clean and I organize. These are

the coping skills that I learned in treatment. And I open that book and it's like the book of runs,

like rappers, rappers, you know, when you write things, you know, and then you forget things. But

when you open that book, damn, that's how I felt. It's not worth it for me to take that first sip.

No, maybe I, maybe no, because, but anyways, so I came to treatment. That's what brought me to

treatment. So I came to California and I've been here since April 20, 2018. I saw a sign like the

ones that are over there, but, and it said think, but it was upside down. And I asked, you know,

the tech there, why is that upside down? And he's like, because you're thinking this upside down

because you don't know anything. Are you willing to do what I, what we suggest here? Are you willing

to, you know, participate in group, fix your bed, take a shower, shave, take the mask off, you know,

do these other, like all these things that I didn't know any coping skills. And I know how to

interact with people. I was like a pirate. I'm very grateful for the man that taught me things

like this, me right now. Like, like I mentioned, like my suit is actually at, at the dry cleaners

because I get to be of service at the convention today. Now, one of my bosses that I, I think he's

on the Roxbury group, he bought me my first soup and a suit, I mean, and he bought me a couple of

suits and shirts because he's like, you're going to need these to go to celebrations of life where

they ask you to speak. And this tie was given to me by an old timer, which, you know, he's a really

good guy. And I remember having this because I'm not used to wearing this. The only time I wear

this is if I'm going to court, I'm in a, trying to get a job. But I believe that this is, it makes

you feel good. I think people, you know, like to say, actually speak louder than words, you know,

this is showing people that look, numbers different. Yay. Anyways, I went to treatment.

I did things differently. I participated. I spent a lot of time at the Valley Club.

That was my first meeting. I did two, three years of sober living. So, you know, like I mentioned,

I came with a bag of change. Not a lot. And I remember trying to compare myself to other guys

in treatment when I was in rehab because they were going like, oh, we're going to go explore LA.

Like, damn, I wish I can do that. I wish I could go get some Jordans or some shoes and new clothes,

but no, I don't want shoes that have holes. The pants are faded. The pockets are falling apart.

And I remember the guy that was sponsoring me, my first sponsor, I met him at chapter 12,

Dr. Bob's Nightmare in Sherman Oaks, because it took me a lot of men's time. And he's like,

you don't need that right now. You know? And I remember when I told him that I really,

I think I liked her at six months. She's the one, she is the one. And he's like, dude, you don't

have a place to live. Go over and live. You're not going to be able to bring us here a little.

What are you going to do? Bush therapy? You're going to go hiking? You're going to take her to

Jack in the Box with your pal French and take everything she wants on the menu? You know,

like, how about you work for yourself, buddy? You know, you could be friends with them, you know,

or you have to, you know, connection and talk to people. And I've had my experiences with that,

you know, relationships, intimacy. That was a hard one for me, you know, being vulnerable to

another person and opening up. I remember when I did the fourth step, it took me a while to do

that because there's a lot of things that I'm ashamed that I did. And then when I think about

them, I feel really disgusted. Like, why didn't you do that? I wish I could go back in time,

but unfortunately they told me I have to keep looking forward. And it's kind of like a

confession. You know, I was baptized. I grew up Catholic. I really struggle with the higher power

thing because I'm like, if God is real, why does he make, why did he have my brother get killed in

front of me? Why did I end up in prison? Why did I end up in all these other things? Like, why was

I touched as a boy? Why did all these things, if he's real, why, you know? And, you know, why didn't

my dad leave me when I, because my dad is on my fourth step and that was a hard one because what

did I do for him to be the way he was? Why did he leave? You know, why did he hit my mom? And I had

to realize now that he's an alcoholic, how it works. He's very sick. And now he, you know, he's

like, he lives in Canada. I have a sister of the same age as me because he got one mom pregnant,

another woman pregnant, but that woman stayed with him. And I'm friends with her today. You know,

I talked to her. My mom still has hate towards him, but inside of me, I'm like, I forgive him,

you know? I know that kids, I ended up kind of being like him, you know? But I know that today

my life is, it's getting better. I thought, like I mentioned, I went to special ed and I thought

I graduated, but apparently I did not because when I signed, when I signed up for the school

at this police corps for then a treatment centers in college, everything was going great. And I'm

all excited, you know? And they're like, your transcripts, this says that you didn't graduate.

No, I was really pissed off because apparently they told me I did. But now that I think about it,

most of the time I was drunk in school. And now I'm working towards getting that, you know,

like I first, my first thing was an apartment. Then I got a car. Then I, you know, I'm starting

to save money and it's hard. It's expensive. And fellowshipping sometimes gets a little crazy.

You know, when I say, let's do this. And when I talk to my mom now, you know, cause now she does

want to talk to me and you know, she's the one that's calling me and I'm like, I'm struggling

with this. And I try to help her with as much as I can. When COVID happened, I was in rehab and I

ended up giving her the money that I was getting, you know, until we just keep it, you know? And

today my life, you know, is it's getting better. And I still, I'm still learning as much as I can.

I don't see any of these lights turning on. So I mean, I have to keep going, but at two or three

o'clock in the afternoon, she asked me to come. It was like nine or 10, 11, when they asked me to

come do this. And it was, I was like, damn, why did I say yes? I thought it was going to be the

10 minutes, but it was the 35 minutes and I was really worried. I don't have to wear a tie and a

suit. And then the pants that I'm wearing right now don't fit me anymore because they're old.

This is why I was late because I was overthinking it. And then I'm driving

then people driving slow. And then I had to boost it up to 60 miles an hour at 35 miles.

But these are the qualities that I'm going to get to have today. And it could be worse,

you know, I could, who knows how it will still be a lot if I didn't choose that day to come to

treatment and turn my thinking upside down and accept that Elmer's thinking is not right. So I

need to come to places like this and hear other people's experience, you know? And if you're new,

hopefully I said something to give you, you know, courage and have an open mind and the courage that

things are not going to get fixed right away. And that was something that I had to learn, like with,

like it's like, well, they told the contents, like it's like a wound. Sometimes when we scratch it

too much, it gets, it gets irritated and it gets worse. Instead of healing it TLC, put it in lotion,

like somebody mentioned before, it's like charging the center block, the cell phone. I have to charge

it or else it's going to stop working. So for me is that I have to come to meetings. I have to wake

up. And first thing I do is I think my highest power for another day of life. Then I wake up in

eight by 10. I'm not walking like a penguin. Meaning I'm not shackled. Living out of an envelope

is not fun. Or that's, you know, you know, eating fake meat, you know, you don't know what you're

eating when you're in there. The freedom, right, that I get to have today, I can wake up and open

my window. I get to, you know, take a shower when I want or do all these things, you know? But I know

that if I was to, not that I'm saying I would relax, but I hope my higher power doesn't scare

me that way. And for me, I have to stay, you know, in the middle, like to say, stay connected,

talk to other people, express when I'm going through something. Because a lot of times I can,

I'm a hermit. I like to be a hermit crab. And that's why I got an apartment with somebody

else because I can isolate. And that was one of my biggest ones is isolation. You know,

I still like to stare at my shoes if I'm in a room with you. I still have anxiety. I still get

nervous to move people in the eyes because I'm like, I look weird and they see my pants is not

fully buttoned, like the belt is holding it. My hair is falling, it's fading. I'm really

pissed off at that. But I'm an acceptance student. Like, like I think what he said earlier is like,

let me just be yourself, you know? And that's the good thing about this program because I,

I got nervous with the higher power thing, you know? And I heard that it's like a builder bear,

you know? When I had to write my higher power, what does he look like to me? He's loving,

caring, understanding, and forgiving. And he told me how to forgive myself first. And every day,

you know, when I wake up, I have a sign in my bathroom that says, good morning, handsome,

positive affirmations, brushing my teeth. And I'm like, you're handsome, Elmer. Yes, you are.

And then I have to drive and I accept people the way they're going to drive and go to 7-Eleven.

The guy goes and hold the door for me. And it's like, no, just let it go over acceptance,

acceptance. And it's like, it's like, because my problem today is not,

not to urge to drink or use. It's like, how do I handle life? This is, and this little inequality

of life, you know, it used to, I kind of, I'm attracted to it a little bit, but I really am

uncomfortable with this and the shirt and these collars. But like they say that you have to do

things towards, you know, the opposite, contrary actions. So I'm doing the contrary today. I could

have said no when she told me it's for quality of life. I'm like, oh my God, no. She's like,

can you cover for me? I'm like, yes. And then I find out it's this. And I'm like, oh my God.

And then I called a bunch of people and even texted Nancy. I'm like, Nancy thought I really

have to wear a coat. And she's like, you have one? I'm like, no, it's in a drawer. And she's

like, oh, okay. But anyways, I'm grateful that I got to come here today. There's a reason why

I believe the universe does things for a reason. Like a lot of you are here today. Maybe you were

meant to come here and share today. You know, I believe that we're miracles. I believe in that

we should be nice to each other. I like this book called The Poor Agreements that a lot of times,

like I mentioned, I don't, some people piss me off in here. And sometimes when I, when I think

about it, like when you do this, what was my part? Like what happened? And I'm like, or the number

10. And I go, wow, they were actually right. They told me things that I don't want to hear.

They were right. I mean, mistakes didn't survive. And I'm part of the, no matter what club, you know,

I've been through death. My grandma passed away and that was a hard one. I've been through breakups

you know, cause now that I'm, you know, not numbing no more, the feelings suck and emotions. Oh my God,

I hate them. I hate the emotion. But today I get to be vulnerable. And it's okay to cry because I

was afraid to cry in front of people. It's, you know, I cannot look weak. Hey, five minutes.

But anyways, so if, you know, today I get, I have, I have friends. This, this one guy that ended up

leaving this world that really helped me too. Then I got to be in the room. There's a lot of

old timers that I've met. And sometimes when I go to meetings, I, I used, I come to this meeting too,

you know, all in, all out on Sundays. And there's a lot of people that are passing away that at least

hold pressure when you're trying to help them. And he texts you like, I can't do this girl no more.

Then you find out that they're no longer here. So when I first came to this meeting, there's a

picture right there, it's a revolver. It's like plenty of Russian roulette that night. No, I don't

know if I'm going to make it back. No, I don't know if I take that first sip. What's going to

happen? I know what's going to happen. The gorilla is going to come out of the cage and sometimes he

rattles the cage and you know, I have to, you know, keep it tamed and remain teachable. I pray for

humility, humbleness. There's a lot of things that I want, but I know that I have to get into

more action and that I need to perseverance. There's times I wake up, I'm like, this sucks.

You know, cause a lot of times the world thinks that we wake up and they sit in there and Omer

says, I'm going to be an alcoholic today. They don't know what it's like to wake up with anxiety,

with depression, I'm worthless and all this. And like, I don't believe in myself and, and I need to

go to meetings so I can hear other people say, and they like that clapping, you know, I keep telling

me to have a DUI, you know, and I remember when I used to be like, why, why do they think that's

funny? And like, cause we can relate. And when, you know, and today now I get to give up to other

people. I've tried to help other guys. I'm not a big brasher of the people that I helped today,

you know, and want to help you give you a ride, you know, I'll give you a ride cause I know what

it's like to take the bus to Wada. But today my life is much better. I'm still a work in progress.

I still do not know what I'm doing. So I think that, um, me coming and doing this today was

really helpful to get me back. Cause you know, I do a lot of service. I've done HNI, San Fernando

Valley Convention. I'm going to do security for the third, fourth, I think third or fourth year.

And I remember the first guy that got up and they gave me my sweater doing that. His name was Roland.

I could say his name today cause he passed away and he made me my first sweater. And that means

like this is your sober date and your only sober date. I'm very grateful for that. That he taught

me that I'm grateful for the men that need time to show me things and to talk to me to three or

four o'clock in the morning to the woman too that taught me how to sit at a table and eat with a

fork and had a fellowship. Cause I remember when I went to fellowship, they took me hostage and

told me they were going to give me a ride home, but they took me to Denny's. And then one time

I had to do a watch. I don't know what the hell was going on. And I'm grateful that today

there's a lot of meetings in the Valley. This is, I believe the Mecca of recovery. There's a

lot of events going on right now, guys. There's a lot of meetings, a lot of things going on,

but I'm grateful that I got to come here today. Hopefully I get to go home and go to sleep sober.

And I hope that something that I shared today helps you. And then you get to write to me in

your journal, if you do. But may the virus always keep blessing your journey and believing

yourself. And then, you know, in reality, we just have to be nicer. So give ourselves a hug

and say, you're worth it. Yay. Thank you. There's a lot of news.