Tricia's Journey: From Early Meth Use to Finding Hope in AA

Good evening. Hi, my name is Tricia. I'm an alcoholic and I want to start with a few PSAs

Um, I am probably not the typical speaker

They asked to speak at this meeting because my language is not always appropriate and I apologize in advance if I say something that is

Offensive. I'm told you guys will qualify every time I class. It might be a very coffee meeting. Um, also I just came from work

So my attire is also not up to par for what you guys normally like

I've shot I've been to this meeting twice to share and both times I came straight from my office and today

It was casual Saturday. So it's even more casual than normal. Um

There's also a lot of drugs in my story

So if that offend you I apologize might be a good excuse, you know to talk to me after the meeting and tell me how

You feel about it. I'm open to that if you if you feel like it, um, so like most of us here, obviously

I have a problem

For a long time. I thought my problem was drugs and alcohol, but it turns out my problem is me

And if I look back at my history of drinking and drugging and I get really honest with myself

It's really clear that it was me and it was me a long time before the the drugs and alcohol came into the picture

Um, I wasn't one of those people that was casually using it one time and was able to manage it and then it got bad

That's not my story

There was never a line in the sand that I crossed except for that first time from the very first time

I picked up a substance. It was on a Kraken

There's another fellowship that says one is too many in a thousands never enough. I always say the thousands just getting started

Um, I started using it a very very very young age. Most people when they say that they're talking like 12

And I'm talking like elementary school. Um, my first drug of choice was actually not alcohol

It was meth but I over the years. I really like to mix the two together

They go really well in my opinion not some real people's but um when I was too high on the meth

I would drink a lot of booze to come down and sleep and for a long time

That was my routine all of the things you can think of

Think of everything that you don't think you should do while getting loaded. I did that

We're not gonna give all over some details

All of the I'm never gonna be like this person. I'm never gonna do that. I would never do that

I did every single one of those by the time I quit and for most of my life

I didn't think it was a problem

I mean everybody else looking at me knew I had a problem, but I didn't think it was a problem

And I would and if you told me it was a problem, I would just push you out of my life

I really only associated with people that drank and used like I did which means I mostly hung out with myself

Because you know most people can't drink and use like I can't um

It was me and my little dog towards the end and that was it like everybody else in my world

I had pushed away. I don't I come from a really good family

none of them are drunk none of them drinker news drugs my older sister smokes a little bit of weed on occasion and when she

Got cancer. She looked a little bit more weed until it gave her a sore throat

She just stopped because it gave her a sore throat and I'm like what's wrong with you?

You still have lunch left like how are you not gonna finish that like there's still some left. What do you mean my throat hurts?

I'm gonna stop like that concept to me. Just doesn't make any sense like I don't get it

Um, but everybody else, you know, like all of us and it's just you know, whatever my dad can go to dinner

Have a half a glass of wine because it goes pairs well with steak and then he moves on about the rest of his life

So, I mean I had a really good childhood considering I started doing hard drugs at like eight years old

Um, I didn't fit in really well. It was kind of awkward and clumsy

I have red hair which didn't help any and when I was young I got headlights

So we shaped my we cut my hair off

That was my family's decision on how to get rid of it because we kept trying to get rid of it and wouldn't go away

So at school they were teasing me calling about a boy and I just didn't feel like I just never really felt like I fit in

Anywhere, um, even when I was getting loaded. I didn't really feel like I fit in let's be honest first time in my life

I really ever felt like I fit in was when I came to a 12-step program and the feeling was so good

I ate it up like coming to AA was the first time I ever just felt like oh I can breathe

It's not that bad. Look all these other people feel just like me and they're okay

Um towards the end of my using um, I was living in Compton look like I fit in there, right?

I was doing things like pressure washing the sidewalk because you know

Don't you know that's what we should do and spray-painting the cement wall across the street on the freeway. I'm telling myself I was an artist

Living in a shack. Okay, I called that we were calling it an apartment, but let's be real there were no windows

There was plywood that the guy was dating had drilled on the walls where windows should go because he felt it would keep me safer

There were rats

There was just whoever was there was there. I didn't really care

As long as they had drugs and alcohol they were could hang until they you know

Started things like things like you should quit and I was like you should go. Um, there was no stovetop or

Heat I was making things like macaroni cheese with hot water out of the bathtub in a jar that was meant for you know

Storing marijuana and trying to eat it and thinking it was good

Um, but if you talk to me at the time I would tell but don't you know, I'm a functioning at it

I got it going on because I have a car and a mercedes

It didn't run and I had a little like a little beater that some little old lady that has lived nearby

Before I moved to that place had given me because she was just the sweetest thing. She actually passed a few weeks ago

I miss that lady because even my addiction that lady believed in me and she would all tell me like honey

You should do something different. You're gonna be okay. That was one of the first people in my life

It was like I believe in you and I wanted to make her proud and after I got clean

I went and visited her and I told her I said, you know, you're part of the motivation that made this possible

And when she passed a few weeks ago

I was able to go visit her before she passed and her family was like who the hell is this girl?

I was like I used to be a neighbor and they were like, oh, well, she's been asking for you for weeks

She's been asking for you

And that really made me feel special that I could be part of that and be part of that

But before I got here, I'm like I was saying sorry got track. I'm good at that

Um, I was dating this guy and he was like you need to go to rehab

I was like you need to shut the beep shut the quaff up quaff. You need to shut the quaff up, right?

You just need to zip it. What's it gonna take to shut you up?

And he's like well my friend Lindsay works at this rehab. You should start you should go there

It's like if it gets you to shut up. I will call the real and oddly enough when I look back at it now

I realize this was God doing for me what I never could have done for myself because my

Typical mo if a guy that I was dating would have said that I'd been like well, there's the door bro

You can go and for some reason I didn't say that to this guy

So I started calling this I called this chick that worked at the rehab. She worked at Tarzana treatment centers

TTC um and

At the time I had Orange County Medi-Cal not LA County

So they were like you got to get your Medi-Cal transferred. We can't help you

I was like, alright, so I get off phone and tell the boy the boyfriend that and he goes

Well, let's get your Medi-Cal transferred turns out that takes a long time for some reason takes like 60 days

But in the intermittent time I had a few months before that. I had gotten him strung out on drugs

Also, this guy was a drinker, but I had gotten him really strung out

like he wasn't quite shooting drugs yet, but he was quickly on his way there and he was like

I'm gonna go to rehab get yourself to rehab and figure it out or I'm gonna be gone when I get out and I was like

All right, so he would call me from rehab every morning at 9 a.m. He'd be like, did you call her?

Did you call the treatment center? So it like ate something in the morning. I had an alarm by my phone

I would call Tarzana treatment center. I'd be like, it's Trisha

Can you check my Medi-Cal again? Like I called them so many times they'd be like hi Trisha

Your Medi-Cal's still the same. I swear there was lady there first thing in the morning. That's what she would do

She would just check my Medi-Cal, be like oh it's still the same. Not that she calls. Now that I work in treatment

I realized that I could have just called her on the first and the 15th of the month because that's when they change over

But she didn't tell me that she just let me keep calling every day

Um after calling her for like 60 plus days one day she was like, you know what just come we have a bed for you

Tomorrow we're gonna put you on a on a like basically a free bed, which I work at that place now

I know that we don't do that really like that's not something we do

But she was like just be here tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. And I said can we make it 10?

She and her comment to me was like obviously you're really serious about this

You've called me every single day even the weekends for like 60 plus days and in the back of my mind

I'm like, not really that serious don't even know if I want to go but okay sure I get off the phone

I was like, oh coif what if I coif myself into this. I'm working really hard on my cousin guys

Um, what did I get myself into what the heck did I just agree to because I'm not sure if I want to do this

don't get me wrong getting loaded had stopped working long before that probably for the last 10 plus years before that like

Drinking and drugging wasn't working anymore. Like when I first started it felt amazing. I loved it

I had good times like all the things, you know that we all have in our story, right?

But it stopped working like I wasn't drinking and drugging to get high anymore and to get drunk

I was drinking and drugging just to be not shaking just to be okay

And I really hadn't had a drink in a little while before I before I showed up at that treatment center

So I didn't get to go to detox. That's almost part of the story. Um, but I got phone that lady

I was like, oh shit, so I start packing some stuff up. Don't get me wrong

I I didn't have any money so I couldn't go get a bottle

I probably wished I could have um

I did a shot like a in a shot of mess and a girlfriend of mine showed up and she was like

What are you doing? And I was like packing and she goes why I said I'm gonna go to rehab and she goes

Oh my god, did you get arrested again? Never forget that saying I was like, no, I didn't get arrested again

I have a long history of arrest

I have I had police used to make fun of me that my rap sheet was taller than they are

You can double their height towards later years. Um supposed like no, I didn't get arrested again

She goes and why are you going to rehab and I looked at her?

We had this like stare off for like five minutes and I was like why not she looked at me and she goes

Well, that's actually a good reason. I'll start to shit

Um, I had already prearranged before the boyfriend had gone to rehab who was gonna watch my dog

Cuz I was gonna be Mike that would have been my go-to excuse to get out of it

I'm not gonna lie that little lady that you know

That was a neighbor lady that had always believed in me had agreed to take my little dog

And so I packed my stuff and next day I showed up at Tarzana treatment center

The last place I ever got loaded was their parking lot. You saw a big tree in the corner

They actually ripped it out recently was right there next to that tree

I showed up in a flying squirrel onesie because don't you know, that's what 40 year old ladies wear

Appropriate Joe attire flying squirrel suits. Um, and I checked myself in and I lasted there seven days

I broke all sorts of rules. I had a red flag. I stuck a cell phone in

I said something to another patient. It was so so foul. Did I ever come across that girl one day?

I owe her probably like ten years of therapy and amends also, but like just to make the amends worth it

So when they kicked me out, I had verbally assaulted this girl and at the time I was like going but I didn't hit her

Looking back on it now. I realized that hitting her might have been more kind than what I said

I'll save you the brutal details of that. But in the seven days I was there I was miserable

I was crying every day. I was in my counselor's office going like I don't want to be here. I miss my dog

I need to go home and then after like five minutes, she'd be like, okay, do you want to leave and I bled?

I put walk back out of there and they'd be like you gotta take the squirrel suit off

I'm like over the squirrel suit sure, but they kept calling it pajamas and I was like this isn't pajamas

It's a costume because that's what sane and people that have it together that are functioning at its think right?

No, that is what insanity the definition of insanity is

My life was textbook unmanageability like nothing and it was manageable

I was in full flight from reality and it was bad

Just to say the least I I weighed 60 pounds less than I do right now, you know

and that's I just recently lost some weight I

Wish I would have kept that picture and avatar but they didn't so you can't see it anymore

When they kicked me out the lady that walked me out. She told me it doesn't matter. You're just gonna go get loaded

Anyways, I was like this quaff

Show her I'm gonna show who the quaff does she think she is. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know who I am

I'm gonna show her so I call my friend to come pick me up because you know

I'm sitting on the porch. It's 9 a.m. In the morning

It's like kicking out really early with my stuff in trash bags. Like they literally just dumped my doors in there

I was like you got to go right now. I'm calling somebody to come get me. My buddy's like, yeah

I'll be there soon as I can and he lives in Lancaster and he gets loaded

So he takes him four hours to get there as you know, we're on tweaker time and drunk doubt that it's just that's how it works

So it gets takes matters to get there. He finally gets there and this other girl have been kicked out the same day

I told her well, don't worry

We'll give you a ride to Downey

So that's where she's from cuz we have to go to Orange County to pick up my dog

Anyways, cuz that was my main priority. I was like, I just want my dog back

Just want my dog back and my buddy comes and by the time he comes this girl's true wrong and only speaking Spanish

Her English was so so when she wasn't drunk, but when she's not when she's drunk

She only speak Spanish, which is really not helpful. Neither of us speak Spanish

So we get in the car and and what I realized now is also a godshot

We got like two blocks and I was like, you know what? Hey pull over

He thinks that she's gonna throw up and I was like no I'm gonna get out of the car

He goes what I said, I'm gonna be honest with you if I go right now

To pick up my car in Compton and then down to Orange County to get my dog

I'm right back where I was seven days ago. I'm right back where I was miserable as hell and stuck in this loop

I'm never gonna get up. I'm never gonna get up

This is gonna be my life till I die and when I was really young when I was younger

I had I had written that off and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be a drug addict forever

It's not a big deal. I'm gonna be an alcoholic forever. Well, I've always called it a drunk now

I call it but I'm gonna be drunk forever. It's okay. That's my life

I had written myself off a long time ago and during those seven days in rehab

There was a panel that came in and I had a roommate that would be like hey, honey

You gotta get up now. It's time to go eat this little old lady. She was the sweetest thing ever

Hey, honey

We gotta be here now and she would like walk me around and make sure I need made it where I was supposed to go

And one of the days she was there like hey, honey, there's a panel coming in

We gotta go listen to it

and this guy that came in on the panel was talking about how he was happy and he's like it's good and he had gone

Back to school and he got a wife and he had done all these things and he had traveled and I was like I want to

Go back to school

I want a job like that

I can tell my parents and not be lying about because when used to call my cell phone it would be like hi which Trisha

Was something inspections or something because my parents thought I had a job my voice was like the biggest lie ever

Which is why I don't have voicemail anymore. It's just excited

I'm not gonna lie to people about my voice and all right, but these people had hope they had it

They had this sparkle in their eye that I hadn't seen anybody have in decades

So I get out of car when he's more like two blocks away from Tarzana treatment

So he's like, what are you gonna do?

And I said, you know this guy that was sharing at the panel said there's this place called the valley club

I'm gonna walk there. I'm gonna walk there. And by the way, I've never been to the valley before this

I don't know my way around my cell phones dying

I'm wearing a squirrel onesie again, by the way

I should because I put that on on the porch because it's what adults wear squirrel onesies

I'm wearing the full squirrel suit and he's like, alright

I said but you're gonna take this girl to Downey and then you're gonna drive orange County get my dog and he looks at me

He goes really and I said yeah you owe me and I had done a lot for this guy when we were getting loaded like I'd

Helped him out a lot. So he's like, alright, you know what? I no longer owe you anymore. I said fine go get my dog

He's like, alright, I'll meet you at this valley club in a couple hours

He shut up three days later, but he did have my daughter. Um, I went attempted to walk to the valley club

It took me four and a half five hours

I somehow found the 405 freeway before I found the valley club

Like I totally walked the wrong way. I learned how to use the bus system for the first time ever in my life

I'd never really ridden a bus before

And every time I went into some tattoo shop and I was like, hey if I give you $20

Will you plug my phone in in here and they're like no and I said I just want to leave the phone on the outlet

I said I will leave and come back and pick it up. But please like I'm lost. I don't know my way around

I really need this phone to turn on. I'm super lost and the guys like yeah

We'll plug the phone in if you go away

And I came back and I learned picked up and that's how I actually found the valley club eventually

And the reason I really one of the other reason I really want to go to Valley Club is that boyfriend?

I knew that his rehab took them to meetings there all the time

That was the other part and I was like, I'll call him. He'll bring me some money. I'll figure something out

It'll be okay. So I get to the valley club and I get to the three o'clock meeting, right?

Which is my first real meeting ever

and I always hear people joke the new meetings are for the unemployed the three o'clock so for the

Unemployable and I fit right in right in there

Um, I sat for the meeting his rehab wasn't there and then I sat for the six o'clock and then his rehab showed up at

The eight o'clock like I was hoping they would I'd call them and he's like, yeah, I'll bring you a little bit of cash

He's like, but I don't really know what else I can do for you. He's like, I'm not leaving rehab

I'm not screwing what I have going on for you. And I was like, alright, um, I slept outside that night for the first time ever

Outside of his rehab in the bushes. They actually know that now I've talked. I I

Work at that rehab also. I have two jobs. Um, he threw a pillow a blanket out the window at me

Next morning. I was at the Valley Club for the 5 30 a.m

meeting then the

7 and then the 9 and then the noon and I kind of just did that cycle for a couple of days

While I was waiting for this guy to show up with my dog

I was like and he eventually showed up with my dog

I had my dog back and he's like, what are you gonna do? And I said, I'm gonna be honest with you, though

I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I don't want to do that anymore. And he goes well, I talked to my girl

He's like and she said that you know, if you want to you can come stay on her couch and he's like well

What will quit with you? I was like, this is amazing

This is like one of my best friends and I really dig his chick

I was like we could all get clean together and we'd all get sober together and this is gonna be awesome

So I truck out to Lancaster to stay on their couch, you know to try to go to meetings and just pull my life together

Right, and they stayed sober for three days and I see it on their couch for 90 days

Well, they went back to doing what they used to do. They kept it. They were very polite about it

They kept it in the bedroom

They would just get loaded in the bedroom and I'd hang out the living room with their infant and I would go to meetings

Religiously like I was at the 9 a.m. At st. Paul's Church. I was at the noon at the open door

I was at the three o'clock here. I was at this meeting like I lived in meeting

I everybody kept saying if you want what we had you got to do what we do and I was like, well, what do I do?

What do I do? What do I do to get what you guys thought and everything was suggested I did

They would have told me I had to stand on a basketball like one foot and balance it like this

I would have done that luckily

They didn't tell me to do that because I don't know if I could have accomplished it, but I got a sponsor

I worked steps

I finished my first round of steps in my first 90 days because I was desperate to have what these people had I

Wanted to feel good like they did and I wanted to not be lying about it because for years I had been telling people

Oh, I'm great. Everything's wonderful. Don't you know look at this. Look at this. I got this shiny thing

So everything's perfect. But on the inside I was coughing miserable. Um, I was so

Emotionally bankrupt. I hated myself so much. I hated me to the part where I didn't look in the mirrors

I changed my name. I was going by an alias

I I mean me and myself were on the out so hard and we've been on the out so hard for so long

And working some steps and being of service has helped me build a relationship with myself that I absolutely love and adore today

Everything I have in my life. I owe to AA and NA because I go to both by my step show

I stayed out in Lancaster out there on their couch for like 90 days

Like I said, they were getting really loaded towards the end and I I caught up Tarzan treatment center again

Cuz I I had signed up for some outpatient out in Lancaster and they I got it

I slid myself right in there before my flag hitting their system

So they let me start I was already an outpatient and all sudden a flight appears one day and my counselor calls me rough

She goes, um, you have a flag all of a sudden and I said, okay

She goes what happened to residential and I told her I told her why I did and she goes wow

And I told her exactly what I said, which I typically don't repeat because it's so inappropriate

Um, and she's like whoa and I said yeah and I said but but I really want this

I've been coming here for a couple of weeks

I guess the person who puts the flag from the system had been on vacation

So when he got back my flag hit so I kind of snuck my way back in and she goes well

I'm gonna tell you right now. So we're putting you on a behavior contract if anything happens

You're out the door and I said, okay

And after I'd been showing up to outpatient for 90 days testing clean

I'm attending all my groups on time every time not late not one time always appropriate always participating

I told him I said, you know, I really want to go back out to the valley because I don't want to get

Because I kept her I'm like you your living situation is horrible

They kept telling me you need to move into sober living and I said, well, I got this dog

You're not gonna take my dog and I'm afraid if I go to sober living in Lancaster. I'm gonna get stuck here

I'm never gonna get out of here and I said that scares me to death because the only people other than you know

A few meet people in meetings. We're all doing things I used to do. It was was not the environment for me

I decided and so she's like, yeah, you need to go sober living in your sober living

So not 90 days are in that boyfriend that had been in rehab was living in a sober living and his sober living was willing

To take a dog because you know, he was one of those really nice bougie sober livings where you know, they buy you food

And they got a pool and they do

Meditation and they have a massage service come everyone's well because he had he had that good insurance, right?

So his sober living was like we'll take the dog as long as he gets along with the house manager

I was like, I'm not worried about that at all

So he took the dog and I called her then out here in the valley and I was like, hey

Can I get into recovery bridge housing like I need a sober living. I need recovery bridge housing and they didn't look me up

And Leslie didn't look me up in the computer. She didn't notice the head that flag

She's like, yeah come sign up for outpatient if you come to outpatient for a few weeks out here

I was like you can talk to outpatient out here because she already knew that I was enrolled in outpatient out there and I'd been doing

Well, she talked to my counselor my coach like yeah, she's been doing well never miss this group always test clean

She really needs out of this bad situation. So come out here

I show up for outpatient for the first time and she pulls me in her office and she goes oh when we talked on the

Phone I didn't know you had this flag and my flag said threats of racial violence and something else the threat

I made it was threatening. Yeah, it was threats of violence. I didn't know it was racist

I don't think it was really racist. I still stand by that and I looked I was like, but I didn't hit the girl

It was always my good buddy. They never I didn't enter

No, I hit her below the belt which is way worse and I told her she's like she's like

I don't know if we can put your recovery bridge housing

I said, well, I'm gonna be sleeping in my car then she's like, let me talk to our director and see what he says

I was like, I got a letter from the other people in Lancaster. Please. Give me a chance

Like I'll do whatever you ask of me to get this chance. I really want this. I really really want this and she told me

Okay, maybe we'll give you a chance. Maybe won't so I sleep. I'm sleeping in my car

Now van alden park where they used to have like a noon meeting every day because that for some reason that place felt safe

Turns out it's not the safest place

And one day she pulled me out of this and she goes alright, we'll take you in but if anything happens

We won't hesitate picking you up. She goes, even if somebody says you did something you didn't do it

You're out of it. You're on your button and said I'll do whatever you want me to do

So I moved into sober living I stayed there four and a half months and then I moved into the apartment

I still have in today. I'm still with that guy. We're actually engaged now

It's gonna be the world's longest engagement

I want him to have his credit score higher before I marry him because not because now I have my life together

I can be picky skin foots up. Um, I've gone back to school. I got a decent job

I'm getting ready to to restart school a second time. I'm gonna go back to school to get an RN

I want to be an emergency room nurse. I all of the promises. I'm sure they're on the Walter somewhere

Okay, all the promises we talked about around here have come true and it's for very simple things

The reason all these promises have come true for me is because I've done what everybody before me said to do

I did the work. I did a thorough four step and I said all those things

I never thought I would tell anybody and then I looked at my sponsor and I told it all about told her all those things

Right. I made amends. I remained open and teachable. I

Practice a daily 10th step and when I've really messed up that day

I try to immediately fix it but most importantly in my opinion and this is my opinion not not not book fact

Is it when I hit step 12? I immediately start sponsoring girls and I still sponsor girls

Um, you know, I would love to say I have this great track record of keeping girls sober in it, but it's not the case

I sponsored quite a few girls and I've got one girl that's still cool sober really proud worst

She's I'm getting ready to take three years pretty soon

But all the rest of them have come and gone but what they but what it really happened on the experience is I stayed sober and I'm

Constantly in the work. I'm actually because I liked I trade sponsors quite a few times

When I moved out when I moved back out here

I picked up an NA sponsor because I was like I'm gonna do any and I did this any steps to that step working day

That was an undertaking and as soon as I picked this lady cuz oh she's got tons of years

It's gonna be amazing and after finishing the steps

I immediately told her I was like, this is just not a good fit like I committed to this and I was gonna do it

But I looked at her and I realized with 22 years clean and sober

I don't want to be obsessed with looks and worried about my hair. That's not my goal. So I switched

I think I see the timer. Thank you

So I switched my sponsor again, and I switched this lady named Rose and I I love Rose

And we started working steps and she told me something one day

I didn't want to hear and I was like, I'm gonna find me sponsor

She's like hi, she's like, you know, make sure you have a sponsor before you do that

So I switched sponsors again and I started working steps and with this other lady and I finished him with the other lady

And as soon as I was done, I was like I should have stuck with Rose fucking

Waffle I was almost there the whole thing without doing it

I absolutely adore Rose and so I went back to Rose and I said hey

Will you take me back like I don't know why I chose to be sponsors and she goes she goes well I do

And I said, okay, let's hear that and she goes I told you something you really didn't want to hear. Yeah, you did

She goes so did you do something about the problem?

I told you do something about my son. I'm actually working on that right now on because I've traded

alcoholism and drug addiction for workaholism

And Rose was always on me about like you're not prioritizing your program anymore

Like I know that you've got you know, some years behind your belt now

But you know years aren't gonna keep you clean sober meetings and service will keep you sober

So I was like, well, I got seven service commitment

She's like, but how many meetings did you go to this month?

Not as many as I should because most of my service commitments are at like the area or regional level or on subcommittees

Um, so I started back working with Rose. I'm in the middle of a four step

It's my favorite place to be not

And due to our schedules it has been really hard to meet up with her to do that fifth step

But we are doing it next Friday. No matter what no matter what happens. We are doing that because I'm sick of sitting on this thing

Um, I just picked up a new sponsor last week and God put this girl in my life for a reason like in the last week

I've gone to six meetings with her like not getting this one an in-person meetings because I was like well

I'm doing zoom and you know

I'll come up with every excuse to be lazy and sit on my couch because one of my biggest character defects is laziness

I'm also a perfectionist which doesn't really go well together. Um, and when this forced up recently

I've realized that one of my biggest fears

I know you're about to flip that timer

Um is financial insecurity and I had to really take a good hard look at it

Like since I've gotten sober I have stressed about money to the max

I took looked at it the other day and I was like, I've got $8,000 in my checking account

I got a savings account with $5,000 in it and I've got an eight hundred and two credit score

What am I worried about never in my life? Did I have more than a thousand dollars to my name?

I mean unless I had just done a big lick, um, and never did I have a credit score like yeah

I got a little outstanding debt. I just took a loan out on a Harley

I co-signed for my husband's Harley because or my fiancee would are same thing

Because I want him to build his credit and that was the best way I could think of to build his credit and not was

A lot cheaper than signing for a car, but all the gifts all the material things that credit score

All of those things are like fluff

They're like the icing on the cake for me because the real the real gift that I've gotten here is not the credit score

It's not the man. It's not the car. It's not the apartment

It's the cake part of the cake not the icing part and the cake part of the cake

Is that today when I look in the mirror that girl looking back? I'm like, yeah, I can I can talk with you

I can I can fuck with you. Like I'm cool with you. Like I don't look at that girl and be like, oh that bitch

Oh, I did again. I was gonna really make it through this thoughts causing guys

I look at that girl today and I've done so much inside work that I love her

Um, I know I have one minute. I'm gonna say one last thing on Christmas this year this last Christmas

I went to my father's house and I was invited inside

I spent time with my stepmother who had basically told me she never wanted to talk to me again ever again

We spent two and a half hours every morning going for a long walk and talking and at the end of my trip there

She gave me a hug and she said I'm just so grateful to have my other daughter back and that's something I never thought would

Happen and that is a direct result of this program. Thank you for letting me share. Sorry for going over