Ethan on Control, Childhood Gambling, and the Ninth Step

he's not as much of a hugger as I am so I kind of force him into it I'm Ethan

Whitaker and I'm an alcoholic my sobriety dates April 24th 2014 I'm sponsored by

a guy named Tim Krueger from Pacific Group my home group is the USR men's

group on Thursday nights at Men's Stag and it's awesome and I've been asked to

not have any profanity and we're working on and and I'm in a suit and I had my

easy clip-on tie and I love Alcoholics Anonymous and I actually last night I

went to a meeting at Santa Clarita and they were talking the topic of the night

was the ninth step and I was thinking about some of the amends I've gotten to

make and I have 11 years now and when I got a year and I like almost started

like breaking down and crying in the middle of this meeting just because I

had this thought and this memory when I got a year my dad he's a he's an awesome

guy and he's he got me this card sometimes he just does like he's pretty

I'm pretty goofy he's he's pretty goofy aloof very funny you know but sometimes

he just does the most like sentimental touching like heartfelt things and he

got me this card and it's like this black-and-white image of this little boy

like this you know maybe a three-year-old trying to lift up like a

barbell off the ground probably has like you know 200 pounds on it it's like this

black-and-white Cephia old photo of this kid trying to lift this weight and you

know it's impossible you know and then inside hero I think so think think of

all the things you couldn't do that now you can you know yeah I'm like you know

cuz my dad knows the extent of what I went through you know and he knows the

extent of like how rough it was and and that you know I've been sober ever since

I showed up here and and you know the relationship I have with my parents now

compared to what it was like and the person the man I've been able to become

as a result of you know one thing amazing with the steps to there's a

principle behind each one so when you're out there living in pure self obsession

always manipulating the world around you to suit your needs so much so you don't

even realize you know we're like half the time that I was helping people I was

helping people because I'm uncomfortable with them being uncomfortable you know

I'm gonna assert my will into their life because I think I know how the world's

supposed to be that's definitely not you being upset right now because that's a

buzzkill you know so screw your emotional process I'm gonna intervene

all the time I didn't realize how like how much I control and I didn't realize

that the the the the theme of me controlling is actually me you know when

I control things I'm convinced I know what's right you know yeah and it's

really just a manifestation of my ego all the time it's cuz I'm afraid I'm so

desperate for control because I'm so afraid all the time that I'm always

gonna be trying to like hyperactively make the world be in the image I think

it should be and living like that let's just go and what it was like and and I

got some time to talk about it okay so I'm from the Midwest I'm from the Kansas

City area parents are still together they've been together like 55 or 56

years at this point they're awesome they had their defects as well and three

older sisters you know like from the outside everything looked pretty good

you know but when I was six years old my my family specifically my parents fell

into a really bad gambling addiction so where my sisters had a little bit more

of like conventional life of like you know sports things like that they were

in the musical theater things like that when I was like six from the time I was

six to thirteen I'm in a casino like three to five nights a week you know and

I think about it it's like because I know how much my mom gave me and money

to go away every night it's like my mom probably gave me like $50,000 a year just

to play in an arcade you know so it's kind of like so because of that when

you're six years you're six years old like first memory my mom I'm trying to

find her you know and she like won't break eye contact with a slot machine so

it's like it's like things like that you know in my life you know and I think

about it's like I'm eight years old like we would go to Vegas we lived in Kansas

City we'd go to Vegas like 10 to 15 times a year you know most of our like

it's like nothing was real it was like all everything was comps everything was

free you know like every single year like Caesars or Harrah's would give us

like ten thousand dollars to go like you know come out for Christmas and the

family gets to spend ten grand at the shops or whatever you know it's like it

was just this really weird life and like especially for me because my parents

were so sucked in that addiction that it was just like kind of it was just a

weird way to grow up and I'm like eight years old with a charge card going to

Spago by myself for lunch you know so it's like not bad you know it's not the

worst thing that could happen right you know but uh it's just I was relatively

alone and isolated and I was kind of in this world of like escapism and debauchery

and you know you work to escape and that's like everything I was learning

and you know my parents issues with their problems look I am I'm an

alcoholic I was the kid in preschool where everyone else would get a juice

box and for some reason I'm done with mine in about half a second and then I'm

looking around like you know like I'm already out of the pleasure I need that

I need 50 juice boxes to be okay you know like every single thing that has

given me pleasure has given me more pleasure than what everyone else is

getting and I like need it I've always needed it more I'm a complete

hedonist I obsess over everything still to this day it's a problem I get excited

the second I like things my wife gets worried about you know like oh you can

like something this is gonna become a problem and and so that's that's just

what it was like I would fixate on things and but fast forward to when I

was 11 I was already having some issues you know but my parents both went to

jail for what looked like embezzling money from a client account they were

developers in the Midwest and like you know both my parents went to jail for a

period of time you know and like all of a sudden like because I can't rely on

you for anything I'm even more alone can't depend on you for anything and the

whole idea of this family being okay was kind of shattered and that was the same

year that like I remember I was 11 and I'm taking this test to have ADHD and I

just remember desperately trying to pass this test because I'm desperately trying

to have an excuse that there's something wrong with me I'm trying to be able to

absolve responsibility of life it's like oh there's something wrong with me oh

that's why that's why I feel this way that's why I don't connect you know and

and you know and then they get they prescribe me Adderall and then uh so I

had already drank at this point my parents would throw parties all the time

because they would make this bourbon slush okay every Christmas party and it

would like this gigantic thing it's like just the most delicious alcoholic slush

beverage and I'm like a fat kid you know and I'd like sneak in with like a like a

pitcher you know at some point of the party you know and I'd like just start

quick no one's watching and then I'd go hide in the closet and drink like a

pitcher of like secret of seven and like you know all this crap as a kid you know

and I know I'd be getting hammered you know as a kid so and like I was having a

lot of experiences like that but it wasn't doing anything for me yet okay

it's like it hadn't given me a spiritual experience I was still satisfied with

the imagination land of childhood but when I was 11 all of a sudden you're

starting to comprehend that you know hey she looks good what do I look like you

know or he's doing things I don't measure up I don't measure up you know I

see other people do things with ease and just everything seems impossible for me

to do I'm a coward and I hate it I'm not in alignment with what I think I'm

supposed to be in life and uh and that like cowardice those those actions not

taken even as a kid I wanted to escape my life you know I wanted to escape and

I didn't know how to be courageous I didn't know how to act with principal I

didn't have mentors and so then you know I get prescribed ADHD medication and

then you know and then someone gave me the bright idea to start snorting them

at 11 and and it's just from the second that anything hit my lips or hit my nose

or my lungs or anything like that I became absolutely obsessed with it and

I'm I'm not dumb I'm pretty quick I've always been a great communicator if

you're eight years old socializing with grown people in casinos all day you know

like you can learn how to talk and get get away in life and so I did you know

and I was the silver tongue con man I could make everyone love me I could

really deflect the attention away from me I could I could make people think

that things are okay you know and twist things into into my favor and you know

it just led me you know I'm I start getting arrested around like 13 14 15 I'm

now in the system I'm on probation I'm I'm drinking so I just I just noticed I

knew immediately that I just drink so much more than everyone else is it's

doing something so much different from me I didn't have skills I didn't know

how to manage life I any stress that I felt I only I conditioned myself that I

needed to have an outside source of something to manage society to manage

life and because of that I never got to learn how to navigate stress I never got

to learn how to be courageous I never got to learn those things as I trained

myself to be completely dependent on the out these outside synthetic sources and

you know fast forward to I have a difficult time talking about my story

because I'm not I'm not a I'm not a purist I definitely I I diversified my

portfolio of pleasure and and every single thing that I used I used it just

absolutely balls to the wall and I'm a big boy so like I had a high tolerance

everything too and like it's it's fast forward to uh and I get arrested like

three times when I'm 16 I started getting into like some real trouble my

family decides to move to Los Angeles then like Ethan do you want to move to

California sure you know I thought I could change I thought I could like I

thought I could actually have it because I knew if I was gonna stay in Kansas

City I'm gonna be in juvie really soon I'm drinking bleach to pass my drug

tests it's going downhill you know don't do that by the way but uh it works but

don't do it okay don't recommend it to anybody but um but uh you know because I

knew that if I failed one more I'm gonna do it you know it's like it's like so

it's like so that's what I'm doing to just that's what I'm doing at the time

because I can't imagine a life not having a source of power you know a

source of control something that could take away every fear that I had and so

then I moved to LA and then uh you know I start is shit a bad word shits a bad

word don't say that um but uh but anyways I start having my body start

shutting down at 16 and I start seeing blood when I use the bathroom and and I

really started diversifying my portfolio at that point because I wasn't ready to

stop and and that led me to start using alternative substances a lot of them and

every single one you're definitely not supposed to use and and my parents you

know it's like I'm they lost their firstborn son they had to pull the plug

on him he fell down the stairs you know and I'm their baby boy I got three

older sisters you know and I can only imagine what it's like when you're seeing

like the worst kind of paraphernalia fall out of your kids bag you know like

your baby boy you know and it's like and you can't do anything because he's like

a 270 pound like you know person you know and and it just led me to the end

and I'll just fast forward to the end fast forward I'm 24 now I've been

homeless three and a half years I'm rolling around with guys named scoochie

and weasel and but I think I'm better than they are because I'm only missing

my back teeth I'm not missing my front so you know like therefore I'm better

than you right I got I'm kind of going on I'm still have my front teeth it's

like and I finally get a I don't know it's just it's a I finally I was in the

projects to see I got arrested for the last time was in a holding cell for 11

days downtown they got out whole families they're frothy emotionally

appealing me at the East LA court and they you know finally some Alan on

started working in their life you know and they're just like Ethan you go to

this rehab or you get out of the car and I get out of the car and screaming I'm

in a I'm in a dirty wife beater they didn't give me back my laces and my

shoes I'm in a pea coat that I've been detoxing in for 12 days in a holding

tank I didn't smell very good and and then it led me to my bottom and what is

a bottom the bottom is when conditions in life deteriorate faster than you can

lower your standards okay so I had this keen intellectual alcoholic mind I had

this ability of lowering my standards or painting a picture that everything was

still okay or I have control yes and so what has to happen is you have to have

enough moments enough things that will drive you down into demoralization in a

quick period of time that'll make it so you'll finally hit a bottom where

conditions of life will finally deteriorate where you can't lower your

standards anymore or you're finally not willing to go anymore and that's what

happened to me I crossed a few too many lines and a very short period of time I

risked my health in ways that I've never done before just in that last 24 hours

did things that I've never done just a few of the last things that were keeping

me okay like I'm still okay somehow and and I did those things and then when I

woke up in the morning I'm in the projects of San Pedro I hate where I am

I hate where I am one thing that I hate about alcoholism is because you're so

desperate and worthless and you have no constitution about yourself you don't

you don't you don't have a say of where you are I'm just wherever people will

like allow me to be and because I can steal things and provide value in this

underworld I could be here in this trap house in this gang infested horrible

part of town and and like you know it's like I'm in a room with like a crack

dealer that is a convicted rapist and I have to be there because it's the only

trap house I can be in right now you know and I'm just like Midwestern high

valued you know wholesome somewhere deep inside of me person you know living this

complete alternative life and and but something felt different so I walked out

of that trap house and I walked on one third Mesa and I looked up the street I

knew where the hustle was that direction I looked down the street hey I know

there I know that I have good credit and I can walk right back in and keep going

and and something happened it was the first time in my entire time drinking

using any substance that I hesitated but I just had a single pause I'd never

paused I never allowed a conscious thought or a consequence to ever get in

the way I was so well trained to get to the next thing all the time because I

just I had to it's how I lived and it was the first time in my life that I had

hesitated and that small little gap of hesitation like that small little gap

boom it was like so what your egos doing constantly is like I don't know just

trying to make it so you can tolerate the life that you're in you know

painting pictures of reality but towards the end there I remember this vivid

memory I'm on the blue line train and I'm heading down to San Pedro and I like

have this moment that I forget that I'm this monster of the night creature

that's been up for like two weeks straight and there's this Hispanic

family mom two kids playing on the train and I forget that I'm I forget that I'm

some creature of the night you know and I just engage in imagination land play

with these two kids and then this mom just pulls her kids away from me cuz

this you know geeked out you know spun out you know tweaker is like talking to

their kids and I saw the look on her face and it was those little indicators

that like hey I'm not what I think I'm not what my mind saying I am you know

like the world's starting to treat me differently and I'm starting to kind of

get these clues and in that white light moment when I'm on on the projects

that's what I saw I saw like a this this cascade of memory that I'm I'm gonna die

and I'm like lost and I'm not what I'm I'm not what my mind's telling me that I

am and yeah and I called my family you know hey where were you gonna send me

and and I'm on my way now it was like my my sister lived 45 minutes away and she

just teleported there you know her cars outside you know and now I'm in the car

and I'm on my way and I'm on my way to rehab I'm on my way to the Gooden Center

in Pasadena and I'm scared I'm terrified I'm doing something I've never done why

am I so scared because I knew what rehab was rehab is not vacation what is a

rehab okay I love how they call it rehab okay rehab is an institution okay

rehabs are institutions okay this is a mental institution a rehab is for drugs

and alcohol a rehab is a mental institution that they send people that

can't stop killing themselves with drugs and alcohol okay I knew what that was

that's why I never tried to get sober that's why I never went to rehab because

if I ever say that I'm going to go it means I'm admitting to myself that I

can't control it that I can't find that harmonious relationship of drugs and

alcohol that I wanted I thought I could find that nirvana between the right

amount of meth heroin and Jameson and like this now that I found the perfect

ratio you know like I thought that that somehow existed and it's like but now

that I admitted that I'm going that's why I started getting afraid because I've

already admitted that I'm powerless that I can't control it and I'm scared and I

start having this panic attack and I start thinking about all of my friends

that are dead and I'm the monster and I'm still alive and like I'm the lab

I'm like one of the last ones left you know if my whole high school group and

and I'm thinking about the thing that starts making me go crazy is like what

if this doesn't work what if this doesn't work and and I just started

getting scared I start crying I I had this little metal Jesus and we have

trinkets you know we have little trinkets and trach keys but I had a

little metal Jesus in my pocket and I just started doing the most desperate

prayer in my life and I'm just like God I can't stop killing myself like please

let me know that where I'm gonna go is gonna be a solution for me I'm gonna die

I need your help and like please let me know I'm like demanding an answer like

please let me know this is gonna work and and God's so good God's so good you

know like could and would if you were sought so there I was seeking honestly

for the first time in my life but what happens within five ten seconds of the

most desperate prayer in my life this feeling you know this absolute pure

grace feeling and and it was God you know I asked God a question he answered

me you know he gave me a feeling within five to ten seconds so I know

wholeheartedly that the solution was there so I'm just so happy I showed up

with such a level of desperation with such a level of like brokenness and also

a complete willingness to give up every single thing I didn't want any of me if

any part of me is going to get in the way of me having an alternative new life

and experience take it away I don't want any of me like I was ready to die like I

want to be new so I showed up the difference between me and everyone else

is I had this experience so I knew wholeheartedly even though our psychosis

and crazy and then like scaring people because I'm rolling my tongue I'm

talking so fast I knew wholeheartedly that solution was there so I didn't look

at every single group as just some shitty group I had to go to I saw it as

there is an answer here this might be the room that the answer that I've been

looking for is in second two days later I'm finally on detox med they clear me

to go to the meeting like even they allowed us to walk to this meeting like

quarter mile away 615 went there only thing I heard in that meeting was half

measures availed us nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing all day you know

all day that's the only thing I heard the whole meeting half measures availed

us nothing and that I didn't hear anything else the whole me that was the

only thing I heard that whole meeting and then I start thinking about all day

long it's just like yeah I've been a half measured cowardly my whole life I've

been a coward my whole life I have never followed through with anything and

there's deep inside of me there's a value system that I'm supposed to be a

man of integrity I'm supposed to be the hero in the story but I'm a coward okay

and I'm thinking about every single moment in my life every single

opportunity that I had I squandered it I never took the chance I was always too

afraid and I'd always been a half measure then there I was so I had

literally associated in that moment that like I had been drinking and using every

single day to cover up this immense amount of shame I felt for being this

weak coward of a man less than in every single way and and if I ever basically

what I formed a pact with myself if I'm ever I'm allowed to be afraid but I'm

not allowed to be a coward ever again and I made this pact with myself

essentially just like every single time like I have to face my fears every

single one of them because if I don't it means I don't trust God it means that

I'm going to be creating a life that I want to escape again because I want to

escape life and I'm a coward and so that I had that moment you know and I didn't

want to be a half measure anymore and I get the right sponsorship God's good he

gives you the right people and I'm so grateful for these steps because every

single one of them is a principle that I don't have a relationship with but when

I do that I get a relationship with that principle I get an understanding of how

I'm supposed to live now okay that's specifically like I was just so grateful

for the sponsorship I had I fell into meditation I did not I was the person in

rehab that if you were a class clown disrupting I was going to be standing up

maybe even getting violent if you're gonna get in the way of me saving my

life I'm not on vacation dude I'm going to die in the Del Taco if I don't get

what I'm trying to find here you know like that's just what it is like there

goes Ethan Whitaker died Del Taco bathroom that's what the tombstone would

have said you know like I'd rather that not be the case you know so so I wasn't

a half measure anymore I just I like I can't be a half measure ever again in my

life I got to go all out and I got to be courageous so then I went on this

journey of the steps and yeah and the third step specifically I just want to

talk about it it's like I just had said I just had the perfect sponsor for me at

the time and he led me through this journey of like this third step

journaling process where I wasn't allowed to save or rescue anyone or

myself for a whole month and I had a journal about every single time I failed

at it Fred would ask me for a cigarette I can't say hey man I can't give you a

cigarette because I have the spiritual process I'm doing and my sponsor directed

not to give you a cigarette I'm not allowed to say that because that would

be me saving myself okay Fred would ask me for a cigarette I just say no I'm not

allowed to say and then if I open the door for some I'm technically not

supposed to so then I journal about all of the failings I'm starting to notice

all these little micro moments and how I'm manipulating the world around friend

of mine broke all those girlfriend he's on the steps of the sober living he's

crying everything Indian wanted to save him right who am I saving him or am I

interfering with his grieving process am I just am I selfishly trying to make him

be okay so I have my friend back you know I start learning all these things

and finally at the end I run up to his room because he wouldn't let me move to

the fourth until I told him what the point of the third step was and I just

run upstairs I'm not in control you know I'm not in control and and then after

that we did the third step prayer you know and the third step prayer isn't a

prayer at all you know it does it say God at the beginning it's it's a it does

but it's like what's the next line it's like you're offering your entire self

you're offering your entire self just look at the third step itself if you

actually did this if you actually made a decision okay what is decision me I

believe that the it basically means to cut away if you break down the Latin

terms okay the root words it means to cut away the alternative that's what

decision means okay if you make a decision to turn your will and your life

over to the care of God okay if you've actually done it then you've given over

to the care of God okay hopefully your God's awesome hopefully your God's

benevolent wonderful and all-knowing like mine is badass you know and in the

book it's like God is everything or God is nothing okay I saw that as little so

if God is everything and I've done the third step and I made the offering and

everything like I made the offering and every single moment after that time

since I made that that offer he is building with me and doing with me what

he sees fit he's taking away all of my difficulties you know it's so all of a

sudden because I know that and I fully absorbed that lesson when I have it when

I'm losing a job I'm not losing a job when I'm losing a relationship I'm not

losing a relationship okay I'm being upgraded I'm being advanced because God

is everything and every moment is perfect for me and every single time

that I think it's not it's because my ego has fallen in love with another idea

of how the world's supposed to be I'm supposed to have that girl because then

I'll be okay I'm supposed to have that job because I get that sense of wellness

because of it it's bull it's crap okay God's everything or God's nothing it's

either you've offered your full self and you have absolute faith and you move

forward with that knowing that or not and I just and I knew it so what did

that cause in me it made it so I wholeheartedly did the rest of the steps

you know don't in and did the extra credit and more so it's like because I

really embodied that the type of adventure that life became was just

crazy because if every single thing is an opportunity then like even if it's

not even if everyone else would be sad about what's happening I wasn't set I

remember losing a job restaurant was closing that we were working at everyone

else starts freaking out and crying I had I'd worked out that morning I saw my

sponsor that morning I went to a meeting that morning the second I found out that

they weren't my employers I didn't even take it personally I was like oh you're

not my boss I stopped listening entirely in the meeting I get on Facebook hey hey

whole restaurants closing 38 people just lost their jobs on one of them if anyone

has any any work to keep my head above water let me know and I knew that God

was I knew wholeheartedly God was gonna provide so what happens an hour later a

guy that I serve pizza to at the restaurant somehow became Facebook

friends you know he hits me up he's like hey man that sucks yeah I run a law firm

you want to start on Monday yeah you know yeah so because there's no the

amount of time I there's no pity party time why would there be a pity party if

God is good and God is everything right why would that be the case you know so

it's like because I wholehearted believe that every single thing is working in my

best interest and the only thing that wouldn't see that is my lesser self

that's always trying to make a world that I think I can control or need to

control okay and because of that it's like that now all of a sudden I'm

courageous now all of a sudden I'm doing things I was too afraid to do now all of a

sudden I get the opportunity to sing publicly um whole family's performers I

was always too much of a cattle I couldn't showcase any skill I had I'm at

this open mic thing with this girl it brought me now I find out that anyone

could raise their hand I start convulsing because I know that if I don't

raise my hand I'm gonna die in a Del Taco bathroom okay so I raise my hand

because I have to it's not negotiable I can't live my life as a coward I raised

my hand I sing Don McLean starry Vincent acapella off my phone hundred

people stand up clapping evolved okay what is the fear what is the fear my

egos creating it's the barrier it's the structure of the box my ego wants me to

stay in is my ego can control that little box do I want the finite world or

do I want the infinite that God's trying to give me I say boom hundred people

clap all the sudden I'm like hey maybe I maybe I can do stuff then I form dance

then I start touring but awesome things happen because I was living that life

playing a show in East LA hot Italian stage right she wasn't wearing a bra

was awesome but hot Italian stage rack turns out we have the same birthday our

sisters have the same birthday we wait 7-eleven we were born we grew up with

wiener dogs named Roxy and Rosie she's my wife now you know we have four kids

you know like so because I'm living in alignment with God trusting I find

myself in these positions moments of opportunity of synchronicity okay and

this is awesome yeah it is awesome I'm like madly in love with my wife and I'm

madly in love with my kids you know and and she trusted me and she let me build

businesses you know and you know I'm not this homeless junkie anymore you know

you know like this morning you know I wake up and one of my employees got into

a car accident well I got employees that can get into car accidents not awesome

you know sick you know and like nothing to this was talking about serenity and

this is a great example of a you know he's a better active a member than me I

actually appreciate it you know he's so good at showing up but uh when he talked

about serenity you know it's like God pushed me into things and I trusted him

so I have this business now and we got a few things but it's just so interesting

like God has am I going to take personally when someone's trying to sue

me for a million dollars twice in the last year you know am I gonna take it

personally or am I going to cultivate gratitude that hey God's actually trying

to make me good at restraint and negotiation you know maybe everything

bad is actually good maybe everything bad actually has some sense of utility

if you choose to see it that way you know maybe so maybe if you stop making

taking it personally and see it as a gift as opposed to a threat maybe you

could be infinitely evolving in life you know and it's just weird that I have

absolute serenity it's like crazy crap will happen now and I'm just like that

you know like it's like it's not that big of a deal you know that people are

trying to screw us or hurt to the business or mess with my employees or

whatever you know so it's it's just what a crazy alternative life and you know to

have mentors and sponsorship you know and to have these groups of men that can

like and women you know that that can just absolutely hold me up and in the

broken moments but I don't know how to handle I'm just so quick at picking up

the phone why would I waste struggling not knowing the answer if anything

Alcoholics Anonymous has shown you that if you don't have the answer to the

problem there's people that do know the answer and that lesson I've applied in

everything you know in fact it's awesome because like the greatest mentors I have

are men that I was just men that like I was setting up chairs with in my first

six months of sobriety you know it's like next thing you know I'm getting

sued for the first time or something or there's some big liability Labor

Commission thing and I like just hey man I don't know if you know anything about

this I'm like talking to a guy in my early sobriety it's like I don't know if

you know anything about that this is what I'm going through things oh yeah

that sucks take a do you know anything about he's like well yeah I have 400

employees even you know it's like you're just like oh you're the guy that I'm

setting up chairs with in early sobriety you know it's like you just have no clue

you know but if you actually put yourself out there God's gonna provide

and you know so I've kind of danced around what it was like you know I

talked about what happened and just some more things and related to you know what

it's like now you know like I have a structured life I have a lot of

opportunity and and I don't know really it's just uh I don't know I just still

have this this faith you know like my daughter my wife and I have the same

birthday my firstborn daughter was born on my sobriety babe you know it's like

this weird crazy absolutely ridiculous synchronistic life has become available

to me and what am I supposed to do think that's gonna stop why why would it stop

maybe if you just stay on and just embrace what's happening then uh you

know I don't know so anyways do a bunch of things you've never done that you

can get a life you've never had and God is good so remember that thank you