Sonia's Journey: From Adoption Loss to Sobriety

Hi everyone, Sonia Alcoholics.

I absolutely love AA but this is the only thing that terrifies me.

But I understand its purpose because I have heard phenomenal speakers and then you get

to hear your story and you're like, you know, she told my story.

So my sobriety date is 6/4/17 and I just I turned 52 last month and thank you.

And I have a daughter who's 30 and a boy who's 33.

I did not raise my boy, but I did raise my little girl as much as I could.

So I and I say that because there's a reason.

I was out there for 28 years of my life.

My childhood was not good and I was raised by a Mexican mother and a Chinese father.

I am not Chinese, but he raised me as his own.

And one side was, you know, Catholic and I did my, you know, my all the things that Catholics

do growing up and then there's the Asian part where there's a Buddha and incense and he

was very, very strict, very mean and my mom was very workaholic.

She had work and then she had other things that she would sell and it was go, go, go,

never stop.

And being the oldest, I was primarily the caretaker of my little sister and so went

through a lot of traumatic events when I was a child and I got pregnant at a very young

age.

That's when I had my son and I tried to keep my son for seven months and I would go to

work and I would have to come home and pay the babysitters and those were my moms and

my aunt.

And I said, my paycheck is not going to cut it.

I'm never going to, you know, raise this little boy.

And I decided to give him up for adoption after having him for seven months.

And that was the hardest thing I had to do.

I was 17, I didn't know what I was doing.

And the minute that I put him in the backseat and I remember that day, like my last drunk,

that's how vivid I remember that day.

I remember him crying and then just hoping that I picked the right, you know, the right

parents.

And I left my home that day too.

I grabbed all my stuff and I went and stuck myself in a room and now mom can't tell me

what to do.

Dad can't, you know, yell at me all the time, you know, never good enough, never, never

enough for anyone, you know, there was no love.

There was no praise.

There was nothing in that household and I didn't want to stay there.

So I left in the nineties, you could do that, right?

And I did that and I did the best that I could.

I was scared all the time.

And by being scared, you basically, I just hung out with the people that I hung out with

and it was fun until I went home by myself and I would cry because I would miss my son.

And this went on for years because, you know, I didn't know where he was.

So it was, it was very hard for me growing up doing that.

Time went by and, you know, I latched onto people.

That's what I did.

I latch onto people I use and abuse and until they can't make me happy anymore, I go on

to the next and to the next.

And with that, you know, I thought having another daughter was going to fix me and it

didn't.

The minute I had my daughter, I was like, okay, see you later, bye, you know, and off

to work.

I went, you know, that's the only really thing that I knew how to do is hold down a job somehow.

Thank goodness.

So I went back to work and, you know, I was always miserable.

I was always unhappy.

I was always wondering, how is he doing?

It was like I had a hole and I didn't know how to fill it.

And I thought that by doing all these things, it was going to somehow go away and it never

did, you know?

So I had my daughter and it was beautiful, she's still beautiful.

And I tried the best that I could to be a mother.

And when I, when, since I was broken inside, I didn't know how to be a mother.

And the only person that I saw be a mother was not what I wanted to be.

So I tried my best not to be that person.

And I did give some love to my daughter.

But with the chaotic mind that I had, I also had anxiety.

My head was always louder than, than anything else.

And I didn't know why.

And I knew something was wrong with me, you know, throughout my lifetime, you know, because

once I had my daughter, and I was out there doing what I wanted to do and never really

cared about anybody else, not even her, because now I've, I've found other substances that

were stronger, you know, that took me down quick within the five years, I lost my job,

I lost whatever I had, I, I went away from my family, I was always almost gonna lose

my daughter, I lost my teeth, um, I lost everything.

And right before dad was going to take away now my daughter, I he said to me, get your

stuff together, or I'm taking your daughter away.

And that's the feeling that I already knew my Whoa, wait a minute, I know how that feels.

And I'm not going to get that taken away.

So I latched on to another individual.

And I got clean from that.

And it worked till it didn't work.

I got the job that I still have today.

And I basically I said to myself, you know what, I'm just gonna say bye to Sonia, because

I don't know how to do Sonia, and I'm just gonna try and keep this family together, which

is my my daughter hit now he has a son and raised these two kids.

They were seven or, you know, same age, I'm gonna try my best to raise these two kids

as a family.

I don't have my son, but I can raise another person's son and be good to them because thinking

my son is out there, I want other people to be good to my son.

So I latched on to this.

And that was eight years of eight years of numbness of really I was I felt like I was

in my body, but not in my in my soul.

I was always looking in and thinking this is not the life I'm supposed to live.

You know, we would drink every weekend, we would, you know, have parties and he'd bring

his family and I bring my family and I hated it hated everything about it.

It was not me.

I was loud.

I was obnoxious.

I thought I knew everything I drank even more.

There was other substances that were, you know, represented to me, which were pills

and I was popping those with the alcohol and I was like, yeah, I can do this and I could

do it.

And I did it.

I did it for like three or four years until the money ran out, right?

Because those things can get expensive.

And I knew something was wrong with me.

I always knew something was wrong with me.

I just didn't know what it was or how to come out of whatever madness I had put myself into.

And it was always that cycle of crazy that I call that madness that that around the clock

like wake up.

Okay, I gotta feel better.

Okay, you know, go to lunch and then you know, make sure having enough alcohol I had bottles

in my car.

I had bottles at work.

I had bottles at home when I would get too drunk.

My daughter would hide my alcohol on the top cabinet.

She knew I wouldn't be looking there when we moved from that area.

All my bottles were there quarter quarter quarter half all I was like, where did this

come from?

I used to hide them from me when you would be drinking and there was a lot of bottles

up there.

I never found them.

I would have I drank them by the way that day that I found them.

Yeah.

What do you think I was gonna go to waste?

I like the way it made me feel.

I like that first drink or you it's hot and then you go into a cold sweat and then you

just can't wait to you know, feel that that buzz to where I'm not thinking anymore.

I just don't want to think because my head was so loud filled with guilt filled with

hate filled with with why am I here and why can't I be happy?

When am I going to be happy?

When am I going to get peace?

When is this brain going to quiet down?

Because everything that I've done to that day, I didn't know why I wasn't able to be

happy.

So I decided to leave that man that I was with and my mom got a divorce.

She got a house.

I left him and I one day threw everything in my little black element and I moved in

back with mom and and now here I am now it's mom that one person that I don't get along

with I never had a good relationship with I had a big resentment because of my son and

I had to go back and live with mom.

This is where my alcoholism really really really resonated and I thought like this is

going to be my entire life.

I'm just going to die a drunk.

I'm going to live at home.

You know, I'm not going to pay that much rent.

I could do this.

I can hold on to this poor job that I have that, you know, I'm keeping up for now and

on one of my drunken days 2014, I remember the day it was probably around Christmas.

I decided to look for my son.

I said, you know what?

Because I would cry.

I would always cry and the holidays would I would be a mess and I didn't share any of

this pain with anybody but myself my son not my daughter.

She didn't even know.

She didn't even know she had a brother out there.

I didn't tell her till I got sober and I looked and I found my son.

I found him on Facebook and I'm like, holy cannolis there he is.

He looks just like me.

I'm like, that's my son.

So I extended a few a text and sure enough that was him.

He answered me right away, which was very shocking and I got to meet him and I was it

was like a surreal out of body like God and you you're out there.

My God is out there someone is out there and and they're giving me some type of, you know,

reach like a hand right a hand that I'm gonna I'm okay.

You're out there.

Thank you.

And he came to see me.

He asked me a thousand questions and I said, okay, I'm gonna do my best to be sober.

I'm gonna be the best mom ever.

Watch.

We'll see.

Yeah, no, it took me two years, 14, 15, 16, 17, two and a half years to find AA and that

wall would be very high, very short.

I started with a month and then a week and then a month and then a day and then a week

and what is wrong with me?

Why can't I stop drinking?

Like this insanity just kept on going in circles and I would that's all I would think about

like during work after work.

I'm not going to the liquor store.

I'm going to go the other way.

No, the minute I would get home, I would be like like antsy and antsy and and my anxiety.

Oh, I was having anxiety.

Now it's hitting me mentally.

I started getting anxiety attacks at work.

I started, I couldn't function.

It was the oddest thing because how can I stop doing all these other things when my

young time and and there's like, I can't do this one.

Like what is it with alcohol that I couldn't let it go and it was driving me mad.

Like literally mad.

I was ready to just put the towel on and go, you know what?

I guess I need to go to the psych ward again.

I was in the psych ward when I was in my 20s and now I'm like thinking maybe that's where

I belong and I just couldn't get sober enough or long enough for my son and until my last

drunk right until I said I wasn't going to drink again and it was my daughter's 21st

birthday.

Now him and I are in communication.

He comes, he goes, he's in the army, he's doing good, good kid, good, good, good.

I did good with those two people and I'm trying really hard to be in his life and prove everybody

that, you know, I'm going to be the best mom in the world without any, you know, no one

helping me here.

Right.

And 21st birthday.

My daughter would throw her a party in the house and here we go.

I'm not going to drink.

I drank.

I made a fool of myself.

I made a disgusting mess.

And this is where my surrender came because I was this person.

When I walked into the rooms and I saw that I was like, Oh my God, that's me.

That's me.

I didn't.

It was, it grabbed me because that was me.

I was chained to that bed the last two years before coming into the rooms.

That was me.

I would go home.

I would be so miserable.

That's all I would do.

I wouldn't go out anymore.

I just was drinking handles of vodka handles.

And I knew I had crossed over when I had to wake up in the morning cause I would be shaking

and I needed it to function, to drive, to go to work cause I had to go to work.

That was the only thing keeping me up and going.

And I, and that's, that's, that was the last, the last two of my, of my years prior to coming

into AA.

So when I decided to surrender, I went to my doctors.

I was, I finally admitted, look, I'm drinking this much.

I'm taking all these, I was taking all these pills and now I'm like, I, I, I, I need them.

Do I need them?

Do I not?

I have anxiety.

Now I'm, now I've got anxiety medication on top with all this alcohol handles of vodka.

And I'm not telling the doctor, the doctor that was prescribing my other anxiety because

I'm not being honest with him.

So now this other doctor comes in that was a step in with my real doctor.

And I said, look, I, I, this is what I'm doing.

He's, the first thing he told me, have you ever done AA?

And I said, that doesn't work.

I did an AA when I was in my twenties.

They sent me to an all woman's rainbow house in Simi Valley and that didn't work.

I got kicked out, you know, it was a room full of women.

Oh, by the way, I'm gay.

You know, I was like, it was a failure, instant failure, you know?

So I wasn't, I knew like, no, don't stick me back into another place.

I know I'm not going to last.

And I weaned myself off at home.

I was okay to be at home.

I had my sister and my mom helped me.

They were feeding me, you know, glasses of alcohol.

It took a week, probably two by the time I could function and go to work.

And I will never forget that last drop.

And I did what the doctor told me, doctor told me, go to the AA meetings where you work.

So Simi Valley didn't work.

And I went to the Valley Club, I walked in, I felt young again.

I felt like this little ugly kid that I'm like, oh, here I go again.

I'm going to get picked on.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't know what I'm going to say.

Why am I here?

I feel all this guilt and anger and stupidity and, and all these emotions that I had no

idea what to do with and bad habits.

And I just followed with the loudest table and I sat next to the lady, the lady said

to sit down.

I made her my sponsor.

I did the steps and six months into doing the steps, I was like, it's quiet.

My head is quiet.

I'm no longer craving alcohol.

I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.

I want more.

I want more of this.

How can I get more of this?

Right?

Because that's me.

I want more.

It was amazing and for the first time in my life was first time I felt gratitude and being

grateful and something was happening that was positive in my life.

I cried in the bathroom and I was just like, thank you.

Thank you.

My higher power up there.

Something was carrying me all the way through to that day.

And I cried and I cried and I cried cause I was like, wow, this is amazing and it's working.

So I stayed.

I stayed.

I did the steps and when I finished my steps, I said to my sponsor, I said, what am I getting

you get to live them honey.

That's what you get to do.

I'm like, I don't get a certificate.

I want a certificate.

As I completed the 12th.

I never got a certificate.

I was a high school dropout.

So it was so amazing to get the chip and she said, you can give away your chips to the

newcomers.

I got all my chips.

I got all my medallions.

And she's so cute.

She thinks she did give me a little certificate saying that I completed the 12 steps.

It's still, it's pretty awesome.

And I wanted more of it.

You know, I, after completing the steps, you know, four to five was amazing for me because

I had got it first time.

First it was like I had let go of so much stuff that I carried with me.

You know, that was traumatic that had no business carrying and I was so grateful I was able

to let it go.

And then you start going into your character defects.

I thought I was, I thought I was nice.

I thought, you know, what is this character defect thing?

You know, I am able to keep a job.

I'm not mean, you know.

But I guess my facial expressions call me out a lot.

And I'm very quiet.

You know, I'm a very quiet person, alcohol and all these other things made me loud, obnoxious.

Not me, you know, and every year that I've stayed in this program, I have far learned

more than I ever thought I would ever learn in my entire life.

You know, I'm hitting what, eight year, eight, eight and a half, right, eight and a half.

And every year I learned something absolutely new that I would never think I would ever

go through.

Last year was hardest year of my life.

I thought living the steps and living this program and going through and confining in

strangers, making friends, you know, going to changing, you know, a home groups from

one to the next.

And then you have to open up to these other people.

But when I found myself at Pacoima, like I told my sponsor then, Sandy, I said, is it

okay if I make Pacoima my home group?

She's like, no, Pacoima's not your home group, but it's, it's sobriety first, it's sobriety

first.

I said, okay.

So for a couple of years, I couldn't make it my home group.

And then finally, I think two years into it, she saw how involved we were into Pacoima.

And I tried to do the triangle to the best of my ability.

And she knew how much I love that those people there and they're, they were all like my group

of people that you, for me, what works for me is that I was able to open up and no longer

be like quiet when instead of speaking and being myself, cause that was me, I'm quiet.

I'm in the back.

I don't want to talk to anybody.

So going up to somebody and telling them, yes, come and join us.

Yeah.

We're going to come and join us.

Go here.

Let's go there.

It was strange to me.

So switching and telling my sponsor then that, you know, I'm going to make Pacoima my home

group.

She was like, yeah, yeah.

You belong there.

You know, she saw that I was taking vacations with these women and we were doing things

and, and, and, you know, doing these things, you know, supporting each other and, and all

the, all this is you get to hear these things from other women and the elders and, and,

and the youngsters and the babies and, and, and, and you really pray that they stay, you

know, especially when you start sponsoring, you know, I really wish that every time I

sponsor someone, I always pray that they stay because from the little bit of time that I've

been here, the amount of serenity and growth and, and, and the things that I have that

I've done, that, that I've learned within myself has brought me to who I am today, just

for today.

Because last year I lost my sponsor after her sponsoring me for six and a half years.

And she was, when I first heard her speak, and I always say this, it's like, uh, she

spoke at a hole in the sky and I, I swear the sky opened up and the sunlight hit on

her and I was like, oh, she's my sponsor.

She's going to be my sponsor.

I knew in my heart, like great things were going to happen with this woman, you know,

she had a way of talking to me that instilled fear and, and at the same time, uh, I opened

up myself to her and I let her in and then in, in re in return I gained her trust and

in return we exchanged a numerous amount of conversations, energy, time, phone calls,

crazy, anger, or just crazy, you know, cause sometimes this just doesn't shut off.

You know, it doesn't and whether it be a work situation, whether it be a partner situation,

you know, newly in a relationship that God knows, I don't even know how to function sometimes,

you know, God knows I don't.

Sometimes I'm just like, okay, you know, like it's my longest relationship ever.

I've only, I've only, you know, been in relationships, what, six, seven months now I'm with you for

five plus years.

It's like, and I don't know how I'm doing it.

You know, all I know is that I try and, and, and carry everything that she had taught me.

You know, this woman that passed away, she passed away September and her name was Sandy

and I carried her.

She's right here by the way.

We made little urns.

Um, this past weekend I got to memorialize her in, in Cambria where she wanted to be

put to rest and um, it was very healing and you know, the amount of information and, and

the way of living that I have today, I would have never thought that I would live in such

peace and serenity and the things that come out of my mouth, sometimes I don't even know

how they come out, whether it be at work or with my daughter or even with my son.

He communicates with me.

He tells me all his drama, drama with his girlfriends.

You know, I'm there for him.

You know, his mother that, that I, uh, that I gave up, his mother that was adopted him

passed away from cancer when he was 15.

So he told me that when he was, uh, at that round that right before she died, cause she

knew she was going to die.

They tried looking for me, but that's when I was unfound upon.

They would not be able to find me.

I was not around.

I was very much in my other sickness.

So it was a relief to know that he was looking for me too, you know, and that we were going

to connect, you know, and we were going to be together again.

He comes and visits me and we have a beautiful relationship, have a beautiful relationship

with my daughter, have a great relationship at work.

You know, um, I used to, you know, go crazy at work and these are all things that my sponsor

Sandy, you know, uh, helped me through.

I listened.

I carried her words, you know?

And I think that's what a sponsor is supposed to, you know, there don't, she never told

me what to do unless I was going crazy and you know, I had to be told what to do.

And in that matter, I didn't mind, you know, um, I didn't mind, I didn't mind it at all.

Um, I always took it, you know, that she loved me and she gave me so much love, you know,

so much love that for me, that's the hardest part in my sobriety is to have that love is

to try and, and, and, and give it because I don't know how to receive it and giving

it sometimes it is easier for my partner or for my friends, but like other family members,

maybe not.

So, you know, and those are things that I'm working through.

I think this year is going to be my year to learn, um, love and, uh, tolerance, empathy,

and the difference between empathy and sympathy, you know, that's a big one with my new sponsor,

you know, having a new sponsor, my new sponsor was my, is not, was my sober sister, so it

just made sense to make her my sponsor and, uh, it's, it's different.

It's different when you switch, when you switch sponsors because not because you want it to,

but because you know, I had to, and I was scared.

I felt myself scared again after my sponsor died.

I was like, Oh my God, what am I going to do?

Um, and I was like wondering who should I ask?

And then she was like right in front of me.

And I think that's my higher, my higher power always speaks to me in ways that sometimes

I might not, I might not verbally see, but I could definitely see, right.

I could see it and I'm aware of it.

The awareness that I have today is so beautiful.

The openness that I have today is, you know, nothing like I would have had before.

You know, today I wake up, I have my ritual that I do.

If I don't do those little things, my day could, you know, get off kilter and you know,

I know this now because I've not done it perfect.

Right.

I've done, I've been lazy.

I liked it.

I like to say, I like to be in my dirty diaper sometimes.

I don't want to do anything, but I know misery, right?

I know misery.

I know what it feels like.

I want to isolate.

I don't want to talk to anybody and it's nice and cozy in here.

I like the dirty diaper, man.

I don't know.

And, but then when I, I got to, I get rid of it quick cause then, you know, I want to

be stinky.

Okay.

And, and you know, and with that, I want to thank everybody that came out to see me.

I never do that.

I always forget cause I get so nervous up here and I dedicate this to Sandy.

I miss her and I love her every day.

I think about her every day and, and thank you, Abraham, for inviting me and, and having

me here.

I really appreciate how it caught on me.

I actually spoke here when I was three years sober and Sandy came to see me for the first

time and that was, that's when I had first asked her to be my sponsor and she sat right

there but in the other building and I was so nervous too.

So how far we've come, so thank you everybody.