Breaking the Cycle: One Man's Journey Through Alcohol, Jail, and Rehab

You know, my, as my drinking progressed, so did my problems.

My problems with my stepdad, my family,

I became very defiant, argumentative,

and just really just running amok, running wild.

And hanging out with the bad crowd, you know,

and my legal issues grew, my arrests.

I, excuse me, I also started to get arrested.

Felonies, you know, drunk in stores.

I remember one, you know, I,

they thought I was stealing, and I wasn't,

and this guy put his hands on me,

and I was still in the store, and he was in plain clothes,

and I hit him in the face, and shattered his nose,

and was bleeding, and he was like their security

in this off-duty cop who was moonlighting as a security.

He took me, and you know, I ended up in the county jail,

and it was just, you know, thing after thing after thing.

And my family, you know, tried to intervene,

they tried to help me, everything under the sun, you know.

They would take me to the rooms of AA, wait outside,

they'd take me, they'd sit in the meeting,

they'd expose me to the rooms,

and you know, I would hear bits and pieces.

But I didn't, you know, what you guys had at that time,

I certainly didn't want, you know.

There was no fun in there, there was nothing I,

and you know, they would try and take me to doctors,

and you know, soon enough it was I couldn't be at home,

and you know, I moved out, and then I'd lose that place,

and wind up, you know, they found out about, you know,

rehabs and sober livings, and then that was a,

you know, just a never-ending train of treatment.

And you know, as time went on,

just in and out of the rooms,

the exposure to the rooms, treatment,

my drinking and partying progressed,

my parents got divorced, and my mom let me come

and live with her and my younger brother,

her younger brother with special needs,

and you know, I would try and clean up and do good,

and you know, fall off, you know,

as we do with no program, and no support.

You know, I just didn't want to be honest,

I didn't want to try something else.

And you know, that whole period,

gosh it was probably a period of like eight or nine years,

just arrests, jail, treatment, go back home,

just this never-ending vicious cycle.

At one point they like, I think I was in the county jail

for like six or seven months,

I think it was in 2009 or 10.

And I remember they were releasing me,

it was like the day before, and I looked around,

and I had been in there, in and out, you know,

enough times to know the whole deal,

and you know, overall be fairly comfortable there

with the whole process and whatnot, and how things work.

And you know, I looked around and I just,

I thought I had this moment of clarity,

and I couldn't let this be my life,

'cause I had already been in and out in treatment,

you know, probably a hand five, six times.

And I was like, this is going to be my life,

this is it if I don't change something.

And it was just a brief moment, you know.

And on top of that, I remember this custody deputy said,

you'll be back, you know, they always come back,

you'll be back, sure.

And you know, I just thought he was, you know,

the biggest a-hole, and you know,

I didn't let him know that.

But you know, so I got out and, you know,

I tried to clean up and I would try and go to meetings

and do it on my own.

And I never really stuck my hand out.

I didn't do what was suggested of others.

You know, I would be in the back, I would be quiet.

I would, you know, come late, leave early, you know,

pick apart and judge people and whatnot.

And you know, not realizing that, you know,

this is what I need.

And you know, that didn't last very long.

Of course, it just, you know, it kept,

it was just as vicious, like.

And I think I got arrested again.

Went, you know, went back to jail one last time

and, you know, got out.

I forgot, I forgot what happened.

It was like a serious charge.

And I had this attorney and he like got me probation

and basically got it, you know, pretty much reduced.

You know, they were talking at first.

They were like, look, you've been in and out.

And they were trying to sentence me to all these years.

And I was like, this is crazy.

You know, I had been blacked out

and I was at a friend's house and something transpired

and the police came and somehow they said,

well, you've crossed the threshold.

Well, they were in the house and that's technically,

you know, breaking and entering.

And I was like, what, you're crazy.

And it's a big old thing.

But anyway, I was given this second chance

or third, whatever, seventh chance.

And you know, everybody even said,

I remember I was in, you know, the courtroom

and afterwards and people were like, you know,

your attorney really fought for you.

Like, you're really lucky you got this chance.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm gonna do good.

And you know, through the grace of God,

I was able to keep it together somewhat

and still really struggled though, you know,

with stop drinking and partying for a few days a week

and then fall off.

And you know, this was in about 2012.

I didn't know what else to do.

And so I think I was living with my stepdad.

My parents were divorced

and he was trying to take me to meetings.

I think my license was suspended or something.

You know, I just wasn't able to do it.

And I didn't wanna go back to rehab.

You know, that was not for me.

And I decided to reach out to this rehab here

in the valley that I knew about that I had went through

that took a lot of court commitments.

And I called other rehabs, they were all full

or they couldn't take me or whatever it may be.

And this place had a bed and I just knew

that I couldn't keep going on like this.

And you know, the day I was, the day before,

I think the night before I was set to go,

I tried with all my heart and my mind to white knuckle it.

And you know, I found myself, you know, yet again,

getting in the car, you know,

going and getting drunk and partying.

And I remember on my way to do all that,

I had stopped and threw up because I was so sick.

I didn't wanna do it, but I had no control of my body.

You know, my alcoholism was just running my mind so bad.

And I just, I couldn't do it.

It's like, it wasn't even me going to do these things.

And so, you know, I went and did what we do.

And, you know, the next day or the day after that,

I went to this rehab and I had known pretty much

how it worked and whatnot.

And it was just, I was so done and broken in.

I didn't know, I didn't know how to live.

I didn't know, I was just a kid.

And you know, I was broken spiritually, emotionally.

You know, even though I was 28,

I didn't have a sense of purpose.

And I got into this rehab and you know, my alcoholic mind,

they thought it was a bright idea to sneak this cell phone

in 'cause you couldn't have cell phones.

So I snuck the cell phone in and somebody found out,

one of the clients there and they,

he approached me and he's like, I'll give you, you know,

I think it was $100, $150 to use your phone just twice.

I wanna call, you know, my guy,

drop off some alcohol and whatnot and just let me use it.

And I didn't want him to use it.

And I avoided it.

And I remember that night, I didn't know what to do.

And I broke down and I just got on my knees

and I prayed to God who, you know,

I had a time I had a relationship with on, you know,

holiday occasions, we were brought up Catholic,

but you know, and I believed in him.

And so I just asked God to take away the obsession.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't know what to do, I'm gonna die.

And I remember I started crying

and I just went to bed that night.

And I had thought about throwing the cell phone away

and breaking it or something.

And I just went to bed that night and you know,

we woke up the next morning and something transpired.

And this guy who I was worried about,

'cause I didn't wanna give in to him

'cause I knew that this was just gonna be getting over

coaster and I didn't have,

I didn't have the willpower to say no fully.

And they had kicked this guy out overnight.

And I remember that it was just like a God shot.

And I took that and I, you know,

put my best foot forward in this rehab.

We went to meetings and I just,

every day I would pray and I'd do the groups.

And we went to a meeting in Granada Hills.

And I remember I have to do everything.

I have to do everything that I don't wanna do.

I have to take contrary action.

And I remember I told myself,

the first person I hear speak when I walk in that door,

I'm gonna ask to be my temporary sponsor or sponsor.

And I did.

And we came back the next week and he did say yes.

And, you know, I called him every day.

I did what was suggested and, you know,

I was able to, you know, put weeks together and months.

And then I think it was like six months to five months.

I was in that rehab center by choice.

Everybody else was court committed.

I wasn't, I just came, you know, 'cause I needed the help.

And so the time came to leave and I only knew, you know,

that part of the valley, Granada Hills, Porter Ranch.

I only knew like the valley

and I wanted nothing more than to set up roots

and continue to build a foundation

in my super guiding meetings.

And, you know, that's what I did.

And, you know, it was like, I was 28.

It was like starting over, I guess, for normies.

But for me, it was, I've never started.

This was it.

I'm gonna go rent an apartment or room for rent, I remember.

And, you know, build my life.

And, you know, I used to hear people sharing meetings,

you know, early on.

And they used to say, you know, "Oh, you know, AA

and God has given me more than I could ever imagine."

You know, the gifts of sobriety or more.

And, you know, I always thought they were kind of lying

or, you know, not telling the truth.

But, you know, all I wanted was like my own place

and a car and, you know, a girlfriend.

And I would've been fine for life.

That's all I wanted.

And, you know, I left that rehab.

I took commitments.

I went to the same meetings.

I got to know people and I used to set goals for myself,

like just nightly goals.

Like I have to go and shake three people's hands.

I need to get two phone numbers.

I need to, I didn't want to do this.

I was, you know, scared.

What would you think of me?

You know, I look, you know, weak or, you know,

like I have no friends and it was just, you know,

this very just low self-esteem factor.

And so I would do this and, you know,

I got to know people in the meetings.

And as I got to know people in the meetings,

I gravitated towards, you know, men that regularly went

and I made friends and I had a friend group and, you know,

we started to do stuff outside of the meetings

and we started to do, you know, trips

and different activities and all kinds of, you know,

great fun stuff.

And, you know, slowly but surely, you know,

months turned to a year, a year turned into two.

And, you know, I was able to, you know,

start working and all of that stuff

and build a higher power, connect with a higher power,

you know, and meditate and try and stop being selfish

and give back, be of service so I can get out of my head.

You know, in early on in sobriety, you know,

I had a mountain problem, legal problems, family problems.

I mean, I had burned so many bridges and, you know,

slowly but surely, you know,

my sponsor and men in these rooms would say, you know,

just deal with it when it comes, you know,

let's suit up and show up.

And I did, you know, I used to have so many legal problems

and probation and just a mountain of stuff.

And I didn't, you know, I didn't know how I was gonna,

you know, do this and that's okay.

You know, I asked others, how did they do this?

How did they cross this bridge?

How did they make this amends?

And, you know, slowly I was starting to put a life together,

you know, being of service,

meeting new people in the program,

putting myself out there and, you know,

I really, really developed a really good foundation.

And during that time, you know,

making amends, going through the steps and, you know,

making living amends in my family who I really hurt,

you know, I mean, you name it, I've done it.

I mean, everything, you know, from, you know, yelling,

cursing at your family, stealing my mom's money,

everything, their cars, crashing them, you know, my mom,

I had to make an amends to my mom for stealing her car

when I was blacked out on Christmas Eve and crashing it

with all my brother's Christmas presents in the trunk

and they towed her car, but magically they let me go.

And so, you know, that was hard, you know,

amongst other things and, you know,

learning to be of service to my mom, make living amends,

you know, help out, help others and really, you know,

uncover through these steps, you know, why I drink,

why I drink.

You know, walking through and dealing with the feelings

and emotions that I had been trying to numb for so long,

you know, and as I was able to get sober,

I, you know, started experiencing new things sober

or for the first time in my life, which were great.

You know, I, you know, early on, I was so just,

I feel like timid and very shy and I would just sit

in the back, but I would stick my hand out, you know,

in big social groups, but you know, it's amazing, you know,

and all I used to want in the beginning was just my own

place and car and just the life of, you know,

and this program has given me so much more.

I can't even begin.

It's unreal, really, you know,

I have been able to build a career.

I work in the mental health field.

I work with special needs individuals who suffer

from schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, you know,

I went back to school and graduated college, you know,

and I got married in this program.

The men in these rooms have been able to, you know,

be a part of that, which is very meaningful.

I've been able to be a son to my mother and be a brother

to my brothers again, I was able to, you know,

my brother a few years ago had his own battles with,

you know, alcoholism and mental health.

And, you know, it was very much a crisis,

but I was able to, you know,

help my mom as she's getting older.

She didn't really know what to do and, you know,

I've been able to be there for him as well, you know,

and that's truly an amazing gift that I'm very lucky to have

just being present, being sober and being in their life.

You know, I got married in this program.

I, you know, the legal problems,

I was able to go through the process,

though it took a long time and many tries to finally,

you know, go back into court, I think for all seven cases,

which is a period of eight years and get those reduced

and ultimately dismissed and expunged

so I can further my career and, you know, different things.

I, you know, my wife, I met my beautiful wife,

you know, in these rooms and, you know, God's funny.

She works in, she works for the federal government,

you know, so my past was presented to her.

She knew, she knew, I've told her, you know, I'm sober.

I had thought I had explained it very thorough,

but when they presented it to her,

it was a shock and surprise,

but I had thought I had presented it well

and it was all understood, but, you know,

this program has been able to teach me

how to walk through that and be accountable,

be honest and forthcoming, you know, and be a husband,

be a partner, 'cause it's not all about me and, you know,

that's one thing that this program has taught me,

you know, others are in need and I'm able to,

to step up and help and give a helping hand,

you know, AA's there and I need to be there too.

You know, I love this program and thank you again,

Abraham, for asking me to come out, you know,

'cause without this program,

I know for sure that I would be either dead

or just in some jail cell somewhere, but probably dead,

you know, and without AA and all of you and my higher power,

I would have nothing, thank you.