Ryan's Journey from Chaos to Recovery

Hi, my name is Ryan Paulie, I'm an alcoholic.

I'm Ryan.

This Friday date is 1-2-2-1-1.

I have a sponsor who has a sponsor, a sponsor, I got a sponsee, and he made it!

All right?

Oh, man.

I gotta be honest with you guys, I was digging for the bottom of the barrel here, I've been

very active in Alcoholics Anonymous in a number of years, so I'm gonna do my best to try to

share my experience, strength, and hope on what it was like, what happened, what happened,

and what it's like now.

I was born in... my old sponsor used to say, "Don't say it, don't start like that."

I was born in Washington in 1984.

I lived in probably 27 houses in my childhood, it was, I guess we're nomads, so to speak.

Mama was running from something, not exactly sure what it was, but eventually we landed

in LA County, Willing Hills area, and I had arrived.

I found my home, the place that I wanted to be.

I always felt a little bit weird growing up because I'd look around and I'd see all these

happy families and people, homes that were put together, and there was always chaos at

night.

There was chaos.

Mom always had another guy coming around and there was drinking and whatever else was going

on inside the house.

So it was funny, I was thinking about it just the other day.

My actual first drink, I remember husband two or three, or was it two into three, anyways.

Yeah, mom was married a couple of times, but I remember being here in LA and it was 4th

of July and they were drinking and they thought it would be cute to give kids a little shot.

So they gave us a shot of root beer schnapps.

And I'll never forget this.

I remember taking a shot of root beer schnapps.

I hadn't been like, I don't know, and something like that.

And the first thing that came out of my mouth after I guzzled that down was I can have more,

right?

Can have more.

And that's kind of how my drinking went.

Can I have more?

I identify as an alcoholic because alcohol brought me to my knees, right?

That's what brought me to my knees.

I do like the smell of health side issues and I like to see colors so I can definitely

identify.

But yeah, I remember when I was first in my first sober living walking down the street,

not trying to understand like, what is going on here?

What's happening?

And one of the roommates looked at me and he's like, because I was going to CAA, I was

going to NA, I was going to AA, I was just trying to figure out what you guys were doing,

what was all about, and he looked at me and he's like, Brian, every time you're doing

cocaine or, you know, tripping on acid or eating mushrooms or doing whatever you were

doing, what were you thinking about?

What were you thinking about the entire time you were doing other things?

And I started to think, I'm like, uh, he's like, I'll tell you what you're thinking about.

You're thinking about drinking, weren't you?

And I was like, no, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Whatever I was doing was trying to lengthen the amount of time that I could stay awake

and continue to drink, right?

That's how I got down.

You know, I was an atheist punk that just didn't care.

I had a real good time.

And you know, there was nothing you could do to get me to believe in anything other

than, you know, anarchy, right?

That was it.

Anarchy.

That's all I knew.

And, you know, growing up, it was, we had a good time and high school was a wonderful,

wonderful place to find anything you want, believe it or not, right?

Anything you wanted and I indulged, right?

So fast forward, you know, it got to a point where got a couple of DUIs accidentally, right?

You know, I tried to try to not drive or get a license because all of my friends had license

and they could drive and I could proceed to do whatever I wanted and not have to be responsible,

right?

I have to be responsible for my actions or activities.

So I got to just be a lay down drunk or whatever, right?

All the time.

And then once, as soon as I, the funniest thing, right?

As soon as I got a license, I just happened to get a DUI, right?

You know, the curb, you know, crept up on me and crashed my car and the police found

me and gave me a DUI.

So then went to a DUI class and I remember sitting there talking about all this stuff,

all these things about, you know, alcoholism.

They kind of talk a lot about that kind of stuff and the effect of drugs and alcohol

that it has on a person's, you know, not only mental, but physical.

And I remember this little old lady, she accidentally got a DUI.

I'm not certain what exactly what the circumstances were, or I didn't really pay attention, but

there was one thing that called out to me, she's like, and then there are those two that

are incapable of being honest with themselves and they have no remorse.

And I remember she's like, is there anyone like that in this room?

I remember raising my hand said, excuse me.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

That's it.

I just don't care.

I did what I did.

I drank what I drank.

I'm going to continue to drink even though I have this.

And I did.

And I did.

And then I promptly got a second DUI while I was in DUI class.

I had one more class left and then I go in there and go, Hey, you know, it's my last

class.

I got another DUI.

They're like, Oh, well, by the way, since you got another DUI, this is your last class.

It's not really going to count.

And now you're going to have to do an 18 month program.

I was like, Oh, well, it's a long time.

So that's a long time to commit to something, you know, the cool thing was about the DUI

class is that there was a bar right next door, right next door.

So I ran, my lady at the time was here in LA, she was going to school and so I split.

She was going to set up shop and, you know, I split.

So technically I was wanted by the police for, you know, I'm taking care of the UIs,

right?

I didn't do my community service.

I didn't clean my fines.

I took off.

And then over the next five years, I was basically walking on eggshells around, just make sure

I follow the rules, I didn't get caught by the police, right?

So I, I just kind of hid away and we proceeded to have, I don't know if it was fun, but we

definitely did a lot of things.

And it came down to a point where it got so bad that we had a knockdown drag out fight

me and her.

And I knew things weren't ever going to be the same, I'm not proud of it, it happened.

And she told me to leave and I had already been like four or five forties bold English

need.

And I knew she had, she had gone through some surgery or something, so she had some bottles

of pills.

So she had flex roll and old tramp and a bottle of flex roll and the bottle of old tramp and

which I've switched it down with the rest of my 40 and I'll never forget that, that feeling

of being completely comfortable with not being on this plane of existence any longer.

I'll never forget that it still gives me chills just thinking about the taste of those crunched

up pills as I was walking out that door knowing that I was going to perish and that was it.

I was no longer to be on this plane of existence.

And so the police found me face down at a bus stop with respiratory failure.

And if I just would have laid behind a dumpster, it would have been done.

But they they took me to Northridge Hospital and I woke up cognitive, I could my brain

was understanding what was happening, but my body because of the pills that I had taken

in the booze that I drank in, it wouldn't allow me to do anything, right.

So I took all my physical strength to write down my name and number because on my my band

is setting like Mr. John Dell or something like that.

And you know, I and then once I finally came to and I was able to write down some contact

information of my lady at the time, I realized there's cat catheters are not cool, by the

way, right.

Really, really uncomfortable.

Right.

Really, really uncomfortable.

I remember her asking the nerves of like, I got the sake out of me.

Oh, boy, she got it out of me.

All right.

I think I was a little obnoxious, more obnoxious than I am today, if you believe it or not.

So at that point, at that point, she's like, I don't know what you're gonna do, you can't

stay here.

So, um, you know, I had a ton of vintage video games, I grabbed a bunch of video games, went

to the GameStop, sold them first money for booze, right.

And then I proceeded to grab a was that thing sleeping bag and slept on next to the LA River.

And it was in the middle of January.

So it was very cold.

And I just remember drinking enough to to just warm up and just bundled up and everything

was going to be all right until I can figure out how to get some more money the next day.

Right.

And in the middle of the night, I remember here, you know, I got my knife in my hand,

right.

And then in the morning, I woke up, it was about 10 there was a nice guy forget his name,

but he came up.

He's like, Hey, you're homeless.

And I'm like, Oh, yeah, I guess you could put it that way.

Yeah.

I'm here sleeping in the LA River.

I guess you can call me homeless and, and he goes, all right, you're around here a little

bit later on my we might be able to talk about whatever.

So I go figure out some booze money, go get some booze.

And then later on in the night, it was probably like five or six right about dusk and he comes

in, he's like, hurry up, don't say anything, hurry up, don't, you know, and so we got gathered

my stuff together.

And he showed me this nice little tent in the bushes, right.

And you know, it was a commune of individuals that participated in the method means so.

And they're very nice gentleman, they offered me into their home and, and he looks at me

because she's small Chris, I drink booze he's like good more for me.

But then it came to a point where my little sister came down with a bunch of information

and a recovery woman like Salvation Army.

The other one was like a real house and she lives in Fresno.

So she came down, she heard what had happened to me and where it was.

And she says, Ryan, what are you gonna do?

I'm like, I know I'm fine.

I got this nice place these guys I'm hanging out with and we're good.

And she's like, how are you gonna live like this?

I'm like, yeah, it's fine.

She gave me a box of leftover Chinese food and I remember saying, here's information

that I found for you maybe should I I'll take you right now, you know, my dollar.

She's like salvation army.

I'm like, is there a God there?

She's like, yeah, mandatory Bible studies.

I'm like, nope, there's no way but absolutely not.

And she's like, What about this cover your house in my eye and I'll think about it.

And then I remember going down back to the LA where my box leftover Chinese food and

didn't have a fork and how dare she not give me.

I need for don't you know, and I remember the great beautiful sunset, I'm sitting there

box of leftover Chinese food eating it with my face ball and just what I'm gonna do and

I had a moment of clarity, a moment of clarity that I cannot live this way any longer.

So I broke it and broke the news to the nice gentleman say, Hey, listen, I'm I'm probably

not going to be around anymore.

I'm going to go try to get sober and they're like, Oh, well, you know, I get ISS on the

first month come back we'll party like no problem.

So I decided to ditch the spot and gather my belongings and go to this cabrillo house

situation and remember there's the house cook at the time the assistant manager his name

is James.

He was laying out the rules and I was listening to all these rules and don't you know who

I am?

I don't have to do anything anyone has to say but I got nowhere else to go and that

carne asada smell pretty good and I'm pretty hungry.

So I was like, alright, whatever you say, I'll do whatever you say that I know what

happens right and literally have nothing else and and that's how my journey started my little

sister basically saved my life by providing me the information and taking the effort and

showing me that she cared about my well being and what my future may look like.

So then I started doing the deal and then part of that that responsibility was obviously

get a job pay your your part and go to meetings and get a sponsor and do the steps what an

order I can't go through with it right.

But I did it right and I started hanging out with the boys and we started running around

to see an AAA all the A's and trying to figure out I was trying to figure out where I belong

because I didn't know how to identify but then what was really attractive is that I

came to I came to the realization that I wanted to stick with the winners want to stick with

the winners and I found a plethora of Men's Stags and I primarily went to Men's Stags

primarily went to Men's Stags because these guys had jobs they had wives they had cars

they had businesses they had answers for problems that I didn't know how to solve or have problems

for and I just didn't know what they were talking about but I knew that they were living

good lives and I wanted to be like them I wanted to hang out with the Rockstones I wanted

to be with the winners right because I saw probably during my tenure at the Cabrito house

you know 60 70 guys come and go and only six of them graduated finished the six month stay

and then stayed sober so it was like I learned real quick to like maybe it was a good thing

maybe it was a bad thing but I kept people at an arm's length I'm like you stick around

get a commitment start doing things around here maybe maybe we could become friends and

like I'll be friendly with you but it's like you want to ride with me we're gonna go and

do it and this is what I do come see what I'm into right so I would go to Stags to Sobriety

Frank Kelly and then I go to you know learning to live I go to USR I go to at the time my

sponsor I'll backtrack when I first picked up my sponsor I had one sponsor and then all

of a sudden he called me up and he was like hey Ryan you're gonna have to find another

sponsor I got I got like an itch in my vein or something like that so I can't be your

sponsor anymore I didn't understand at the time but you know all of a sudden later on

I found that he was in a detox facility when he gave me that call so I was like all right

maybe I understand what that itch in the vein was afterwards but that day I was like I knew

I had to get a sponsor in order to stay in the place and I didn't want to break the rules

I was the golden boy I was following the rules I was a prime example and I wanted to you

know look good you know cuz I was having a lot of fun and I was hanging out with a lot

of boys and we're playing games every now and she said I was having fun if this shit

wasn't fun I would not be here right and I was having a ton of fun I am the games master

and I remember there's one of the the guy that is still in contact with I remember him

sitting on the bed of the moon board I said what did you say no I'm bored I don't mind

don't you ever say that around me ever again I go get up get to the table let me show you

something and there's like let me smoke a cigarette I'll be waiting at the table so

I shown him critics and I proceeded to smash his face into the ground playing critic and

he was so mad that he couldn't beat me that he couldn't stop playing until he could beat

me right there's two different players that I have I either have people that never want

to play a game with me again because I'm just that good or you will not stop playing with

me until you beat me right so either way you know that that was my get down and I got all

the boys together and we did that so yeah so that Sunday night it happened to be that

this guy used to he'd only come every other week and he just happened to show up and I

remember thinking about two different individuals it was this guy and another guy and they were

talking next to each other to different individuals and I remember this guy kind of like talking

a newcomer and then this guy was kind of listening to the newcomer and I found that attractive

so I came up to him I said I need a sponsor to be my sponsor and he was just like sitting

there on the on the side of the wall smoking a cigarette he's like well I'm trying to be

out I'm like man I got like 60 days he's like willing to go any length to stay sober I'm

like yeah I'll do that and he's like all right what do you do uh Tuesday night so I'm like

I got this uh you know I got this meeting over here he's like no you're not you're gonna

go to this meeting on Tuesday nights okay I'll go to your meeting he's like what do

you do Thursday nights I go well I got this MA commitment at this meeting um you know

but I can blow that off and go to your meeting he's like no you're not you're gonna finish

that commitment of its term and then you're allowed to come to my home group the unity

service and recovery group what I'll do that and uh he goes what do you do Friday nights

I'm like I don't I kind of go here and there he's like well you know you gotta we go to

mason lassen as a group so why don't you come to mason lassen and if you can't get there

I'll pick you up and I go he's like dress nice I'm like what suit and tie he's like

no no just don't be a scumbag he's like oh I'm gonna see me last night um and uh and

then he just said don't lie to me I don't want to hear anything about women and this

is what you're here I want you to call me every day he's like you pick the time but

you come every day at that time and that man his name was Tony Tony Grossi and um he was

an absolute rock star stud he was everywhere he did everything he showed me exactly what

it took to to stay sober and to share this with another man to achieve sobriety so it

was it was such a wonderful experience being with him um you know we went to central office

and answered phones we would go to like the Windsor club or whenever U.S.R. was asked

to speak at a a gathering like a Al Capone or whatever and um we just ran around and

we just had a good time and he just showed me the way and you know I had nowhere to go

on Thanksgiving I'd go to his house for Thanksgiving dinner you know and he showed me how to be

uh be helpful in a in a socially awkward situation it's socially awkward for me because I don't

want to behave and he just kind of showed me how to be be a regular guy right and um

took me through the steps and he showed me how to pass it on and um now I I had commitments

at every meeting and I was doing everything that I could I was so excited about this I

mean I got to a point where I was so excited that that Tuesday night meeting there was

a couple of things that I saw that they were missing I was like man this could be the greatest

meeting in the valley however I've been going to general service and you guys ain't doing

it right this is what's going to happen I'm going to get a GSR commitment here we're going

to start donating to central office and we're going to start donating to uh to New York

and you don't have an intergroup rep and uh and we're going to start answering phones

at central office you do those things and you will be the greatest meeting in the valley

and those old timers are really all stupid but I annoyed them for so long I said look

I'll do the GSR and intergroup commitment for a year simultaneously and then we'll pass

it on see if it works out and uh and I I made a deal with the central office I'm like look

got a time slot one Sunday all I'm asking for is one Sunday show up and uh and I got

him the commitment and um at a certain point um everything was going well I found a nice

lady and um you know she was a normie she could put down a a cocktail halfway and just

leave it right it's like I don't get that once I start I can't stop and there's nothing

you can do to stop me until I'm based down in the gutter right and that's that so it

just didn't make sense so she was real attractive to me and you know I was able to um propose

to her in a very special magical way um and uh and then we got married right then we got

married um and I advanced in my career right I was I was sorry I was a telemarketer then

I became a dispatch manager at a conditioning company and then I realized that I wanted

to do better monetarily so uh the owner didn't see it that way she's like well no you make

too much money you need to make less money I said well that's not really what I'm interested

in right now and I don't think that's going to happen so then I uh I cried about it my

USR men's group hi my job these guys want to pick up this money and then there was this

guy that said hey I'll give you a shot I'll put you out there and you know I ran and I

gave it my best right I gave it I gave it my best and it was it was awkward and it was

uncomfortable but it was okay then shortly thereafter I um I was presented because none

of the the guys at the heating air conditioning companies would give me an opportunity to

to actually go out there and and learn um I was presented an opportunity to go and give

it a shot so I I politely asked uh the gentleman to allow me to move on uh as much as it broke

my heart because he gave me a shot um but I I wanted to I wanted to give it a try right

so I gave it a try and I was doing okay it wasn't amazing I was okay um and then I figured

out that they couldn't pay on time I'm like well America you gotta pay on time so and

uh I moved on to that last the the first company that wouldn't give me a shot they just looked

at him I said hey I've been out here selling I've been doing this thing I've been making

it happen um give me a shot and if you ain't gonna give me a shot someone will what do

you want to do and they're like well I guess we can give you a shot I'm like and the only

reason why I'm coming to you guys is because I know you pay on time that's it right because

I did it on time so I did it so then I started to you know learn and grow and get better

at at what I do and and then they even started doing goofy things with the money so I was

like hey maybe I need to figure out something else so during that time um my meetings depreciated

uh because I was busy running around middle of summer and and uh long hours so I had to

sacrifice uh some of the meetings that I was going to and then those meetings that I was

going to I I had like three or four meetings um instead of like seven meetings a week it

was three or four meetings um and I also wanted to spend time with the with the lady too because

I thought it would be fair I can't devote everything they have to devote a little bit

of time to her to make sure that she's getting what she needs um then I started getting a

resentment um after my sponsor died uh things started started to change and it wasn't the

same people weren't doing the things that that was attractive to me at first and and

I was trying to promote and get uh people to do those things and collectively get together

and I wanted to to be the way that it was when I first got there and it just wasn't

I was I was mad I was mad so um I I effectively finished all my commitments and I kind of

took off I didn't come back it was around covid it was around covid when it was like

it was like a clean break I'm like okay there's no more bees I'm gonna come back right that's

it all my commitments are done and um I didn't right what Alcoholics Anonymous taught me

was how to be consistent and think the tape through um I put in so much work I built up

such an account in my spiritual bank that I thought that I was going to be okay I was

going to be okay and for a time it was um I I went through uh a series of unfortunate

events through the covid time where my wife broke the trust and my as much as it breaks

my heart uh my opinions on her had changed she had developed not just a cute little drinking

thing it was a pretty serious like hey you're doing some gnarly stuff in the house drugs

and alcohol right and um she broke my trust and and from not really um it never really

was the same in there I don't know if I ever really truly forgave her um and how dare you

I gave you everything my whole heart all of my money just and it's like I I just couldn't

understand why you would do that to me and you know there was no physical violence no

uh nothing nefarious on my part of I just wanted her to be happy and I don't know if

she took advantage or she just didn't know what to do or she developed these these addictions

and there's there's there's nothing I could do to to make those feelings go away um and

fast forward you know we went through marriage counseling and this and that and and I tried

to hold on uh to my feelings as close as possible and I didn't really dissolve them um and I

I essentially you know we would get into arguments and I would just tell her say hey if you don't

like it kick rocks right beat it you know I'm giving you everything that I can paying

for everything what else do you want from me right um my part is is I probably didn't

provide as much emotional support as I could have but um just recently she left right she

left and um as I said it one more time you know if you don't like it kick rocks beat

it fuck you and it's not the right thing to do you know and I've been I've been back probably

about 14 days I mean 14 meetings in 14 days um day number three this nice gentleman came

up and asked me if he texted me texting me if I show him what this whole big book thing

was all about all right I'm like all right well I haven't talked to my sponsor in like

eight years so I probably should talk to my sponsor and then I was talking to a gentleman

before the meeting on that Thursday before I belted out my all of my sorrows um and uh

after talk to him like face to face and personally there was a lot of similarities of the things

that I was going through currently right now um and I I just asked him I was like hey look

I I can't sponsor someone if I don't have a sponsor that is not a good example right

I have a sponsor I haven't talked to him but now my old sponsor is my my grand sponsor

right so now I got a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a spot grand sponsor and a great grand

sponsor right so and that's the way I like it right there is a lineage associated um

right now it's I'm going through it it's tough I wake up in absolute pain and despair it's

absolutely devastating I want things to work out so badly I want things to work out so

badly and I don't know if it's gonna get better I just don't know but I have my finances in

order I I make reasonable enough money to accommodate for my needs but the most important

thing is that two weeks ago when I was sitting there with that decision of like well what

am I gonna do to to resolve my financial situation um I have the pistol in my hand and then I

realized that there's no bullets and I have to put in effort to go bible is to actually

do the thing I'm like well that's a pain in the ass and um then I'm sitting there thinking

I'm like well you know she wants a drinking partner it'd probably be a good idea to just

start drinking then she'll have someone she could party with right all a good time and

and then as soon as that thought crossed my mind like Ryan you stupid son of a bitch just

get up go to the Valley Club and and just go but it doesn't matter so I am I don't see

anything to anyone and then I quickly realized that I had more time than everyone combined

in that room and I was like you guys don't have what I have I know what I need to do

so I started making phone calls I have a lot of of contacts and and guys that I've worked

with in the past and my life got so full so fast in this two weeks where have I been and

why did I let it go I am such a fool I am such a fool I didn't have to go through this

pain I could have done a lot of things um now I'm here tonight speaking to all you wonderful

people my buddy Ari he told me he's like make sure you take a picture of everyone so I can

make sure that I know who is there all right to support you yeah I'll tell him all right

in spirit of anonymity I want to do that all right but um my time is just about up probably

a little bit over up but the one thing that I can say is you know find a god of your own

understanding that will solve your problems it started off as a group of drunks god the

thing that I hung on to was the gift of desperation I'm so desperate not to go back to the way

I used to live that I would do whatever you guys did you know and I was following the

guys around and I learned how to be consistent show up and do what I say I'm gonna do and

and today the best thing that I have today is I I'm I'm one of the rats in the rat race

ra double t double s regular asshole trying to stay sober thanks guys