James' Journey: From Chaos to Sobriety

- Hi, I'm James Francis, I'm an alcoholic.

My celebrity date is May 20th, 2016,

and my home group is the U.S.R. group,

Men's Stag Fellowship.

I'm coming up on a birthday, of course,

in a couple weeks, and it's getting to be

pressure, somehow, you know,

these, I guess, difficult feelings of

some disgruntledness have started to set in,

where I feel like, if I didn't know better,

that I could throw it all away,

and I could say, it would be so easy

to throw it all away, but I know better,

I know that I got a God in my life,

and my God has been my number one,

and I've started to find that path

where there's other God people on my path,

other people that I pray with,

other people that I listen to,

and other people that are in family,

that, you know, their life has evolved around God.

So, I started out as a youngster,

I was born into a family of,

I have nine brothers and sisters ahead of me,

and then I'm the youngest boy,

and then I have four younger sisters below me,

and there's 14 kids in the family,

and I'm the youngest boy at 10,

and my youngest sister was born when I was 15 years old,

so she was born quite late,

and she evened up the category of seven boys

and seven girls for our family,

and it was like, I had done some things

when I was 15 that I thought I would be able

to be following some kind of basic lifestyle

of getting married and having children,

but at 15, I started a life of acting influenced

by the ways of sex, drugs, and rock and roll,

and I was off and running to chase after

this supposed girlfriend that I was supposed

to get together with,

and I had some ways of my experience

family was Catholic, so we were brought up

in a good unity of a Catholic faith

with all the Catholic schooling,

and all the family had some way of,

there was a network of families that had kids in my class,

kids in my brother's class, kids in my sister's class.

They had four kids, and we had the same grades, kids,

and then other classes had older relationships

with my brothers that were older,

my sisters that were older,

and it was just this way of,

that felt like one big, large togetherness

until just about junior year of high school

when things really started getting like,

my dad got offered a job to go away

after my junior year of high school,

and I started doing drugs and drinking,

and I would, for a while I would steal drinks

from my employer, I would steal drinks from my employer

and try to get away with it.

Can justify that it didn't matter,

the company was well on their feet

and somehow it became some ways of,

I got a friend and when I moved away to this job

that my dad got away, we moved from Northridge, California

to Edmonds, Washington, and I got this friend

that lived in Everett, it was at the college,

I mean at the high school that I was at,

and we began working at the same mini market,

and we would start working,

and then we stocked the beer cooler,

and we had his mother was the cashier,

and she was also an alcoholic,

and his father was an alcoholic.

So they had this way, the owner didn't probably care,

they thought we had this way that we would stack the bottle,

six pack of Rainier Ale in boxes

when we took the boxes out, put them out in the trash can.

So we would get drunk,

and drugs are not really a part of my story,

but one night we got drunk and we used acid,

and we ended up at the Motel 6,

and I thought it was,

had done some, I was gonna be in real big trouble,

I thought something really bad happened to me,

and I didn't wanna do that ever again,

and I never really touched drugs 'cause,

except marijuana is because it never occurred to me

that it was any thing,

and I saw that it would be just a dangerous thing,

I didn't think it was very, really, really, really helpful.

I was always in the health,

I liked sporting TV and all the ball of sports,

and I'd see that the ones that were healthy

kept a certain dietary and a way of life,

and I lived like some way safe for a while,

but I always got on these extended periods

where I cheated, I got a way that I cheat,

and I start forgetting about my healthful needs,

and my life goes into this justifying splurges.

I would give in, like, I'm trying to save for a car,

or I'm trying to save for somewhere to go on a pilgrimage,

and I'd say, oh, I could just spend money as,

that's what I did on my last drunk.

I first got sober in the road of 1988,

and then I had a while there where I saw

how life was fun again.

I felt like the fellowship was perfect for me.

I felt like the fellowship was perfect for me.

1988, like '92, I felt like the fellowship was perfect.

This is the way it's made my life really happy,

and I got some time of, but it was always like,

I get back somehow, and those ideas of stopping drinking

was not that important, so I would not have kept sobriety.

I would be, like, sober for a while, then just get drunk,

and then not 'til '92, when I was free from this all of you,

and in aborting care, did I get together

with this home group, USR group, back in 1992,

and I'd start going to meetings regular,

and I'd see all the old-timers, Bob Fisher, Bill Waller,

Dave Richardson, Jack Lynch, Raymond Gutierrez,

and they would all have time with sobriety,

and I would figure, oh, I'm gonna maybe be able

to get time with sobriety.

I'm gonna get that length of time with sobriety,

and then when they share their length of time,

I'm gonna share my length, and feel like I still

got my length, I'm never gonna lose my length,

but then came the day when I thought things were going good.

Well, I'll be back in the mental hospital I was at.

I got in this mental hospital situation,

and I got a friend in the mental hospital,

and when I got out and got in those boarding cares,

and my life started getting better, she didn't get out,

but I always would tread the road back on the bus,

and still try to keep her friendship.

I'd try to be like what they call that corporal

or spiritual work of mercy for her,

and this kind of concept of being someone

that would come to her aid, and then what happened was

that worked, it was keeping me sober for a while,

and then I had this manager from the hospital

used to take me out, and we'd go together

in the movies and stuff, and I thought that was,

I was having the time of my life in sobriety,

'cause I was like going to the movies,

and I saw all the different movies as it was,

that was a real movie goer, and I come home,

just a lot of bus riding, a lot of going,

and then I have my basic meetings to go to,

and then there was this path of somehow,

I met this guy, Ray, would take me to meetings,

and every time when I started getting the message,

I'd say her something really good, and Ray would go,

and he would give me a real thumbs up,

but I feel like, yeah, I was doing good,

but something finally got the better of me,

and I started getting resentments

towards these men at the men's seg,

and started feeling like they're all getting something,

and I'm not getting anything,

like there was just this thing

that was just outside of my reach

that I couldn't get with the way I was living,

and so eventually, I was going to school,

and then I graduated at Pierce College in 2005,

and then I transferred to CSUN,

and I passed some classes at CSUN,

but then I started not doing good at CSUN

'cause the study got harder,

and I didn't do the study.

I just started doing the things

that were playing around in the fellowship,

and then this all leads up to finally,

I had thought this girlfriend wasn't gonna work out.

This friend in the hospital was starting to push me away

as well as the fact that I didn't think

it was gonna work out anyways

because having a visitor on the bus,

and the bus rides got harder to take

with the crowd that was on the bus

was kind of looking at me like,

hey, you stranger, where are you from?

And I didn't feel nothing but nervous,

and the way that finally happened

was that I started saying in college

that I could get a younger girl

that I remember from before it all started being

a patient at a hospital.

There was a girl in a young adult group club

that I had at church.

I started thinking I was hearing her voices in my mind.

It was like I was gonna connect with her somehow,

and I started chasing after the idea,

and then I would try to say,

'cause still gonna finally have this one dream come true,

this relief from this broken relationship

that I had in high school that ended up,

and since I was a drunk and I had been doing nothing

and I wasn't working and I wasn't responsible,

we had got this girl pregnant,

and she had off the child and abortion,

and I went to the humiliation of that was something

that I always wanted to be like my dad, having kids,

and so I thought when I got to AA,

I was trying to find this girl that would change it all

and reform what I've been able to do,

and then when this girl from young adult church group

was in my mind, singing,

"Yeah, that's probably the final path to AA thing

"that's gonna happen for me,"

so I started bringing it up with the guys in the home group

saying, "Yeah, the story is,"

and then they would tell me,

"Just take your meds and go to bed.

"Go to sleep at night and just don't chase after that trail

"'cause it leads to wine country or something," so they say,

"So I got a real resentment," I started singing,

"They don't know me, they don't know how it was for me,"

so I finally drank again thinking,

"I'll show them how I could do this thing,"

so I drank and then it was like, "What am I gonna do?"

I had no idea where this girl

from a young adult group was like,

and so the only idea was then I could go to bars

where I used to be with this girl from high school,

and live that lifestyle again,

so I tried to go to bars and live this lifestyle

with a girl from high school,

and then I found out, oh man,

that really cost me a lot of money,

and I don't have a lot of money.

I'm not a rich dude.

I'm not even working a career job,

so I find out if that doesn't work, I better go back to AA,

so I went bouncing back and forth to AA for a while

trying to get my sobriety back,

trying to get my life back together,

and still trying to think,

"Well, I don't have this.

I didn't win at this girlfriend thing,"

so the fact is I find that finally one guy saw

that I was reading the book at least.

I was going to this point of I got my books still,

and I would get to read the book somewhere at home,

or I would just do it at the park somewhere,

and I would read all these, the doctor's opinion,

the part from chapter one to chapter three to chapter five,

and all the italics parts in between there.

I read all the italics parts,

and then I would read chapter, chapter, the parts,

chapter three, chapter five, and the 12 traditions,

and then there was especially like page 25, 26,

or page 19 and 20 or something,

and page 83 to 88, something like those pages

that I was told to read,

and so I saw this time of the fact

that I was reading the book,

and this guy saw that I was reading the book,

so he says, "How about I offer to be a resource sponsor

for you, and I'll read the book with you."

I'll read the book.

We could go through the book page by page

every Wednesday at Reseda Park,

and so it's during right after COVID

when I had come back to the meetings,

and there was some sense of I had got

a little bit of sobriety,

and that was, I guess, after this time,

2026, 2016, about 2018,

right after, so it was maybe right before COVID struck,

17 or something, it was like 2017.

So the feeling was I started reading the book.

I started talking about some of my inventory.

I started talking about some of my goal plans,

some of the things that I was like resentful about

that didn't happen for me,

and I realized with all the different things

that it said in the book

that I might really have a problem.

These people have discussed what we do as alcoholics

and how we react according to that behavior

that I had when I thought I could drink again

when I had that idea,

that it was like going against the better judgment

of being in the group,

so it was like, and then the younger days of my life,

I saw the idea of what started me from the beginning of,

I saw in the book some of the methods

of what started me in the beginning

when I was a younger kid,

that the influence from my brothers

and the influence from my older sisters,

of how that played a part

in the doctor's opinions, talks about,

and the things that why I was actually in the group,

an alcoholic, why it was that if I came to the conclusion

that this thing could be for me as well,

I maybe have to decide to jump in with both feet

and stay away from those things

that they talk about in the italics.

And I guess the first line on page nine

in the book of the italics says,

when the one guy came to the bill

and the book's bill story,

it says, "The first italics words are, he was sober."

That was the first thing.

And that's one thing I see about my men's stat group

and that I saw before that when I was younger,

when I saw the guys that had long-term sobriety

and I thought, I wanna have long-term sobriety one day.

I thought they were sober.

I thought there really is something about being sober

that these guys had sobriety.

And when I have a way of any behavior,

I'm gonna be one that won't have sobriety.

So I always try to feelings of having sobriety.

I've always longed for a little bit of value

without having sobriety.

I don't know how things are these days.

It's like coming up on the milestone of 10 years

where I had that time that I drank was 11 years that I had,

but I drank again and went out to those bars

and started chasing after that girl.

I had 11 years.

So I'm coming up on 10 years.

And right now I just learned that

since I've been doing all this stuff with my friends

and all these people that are in my path,

it's like I have this dome

of the banner of God's love is over me

with some way that there's a protection and a safety

of some kind of thing that daily.

I used to count my days on the calendar.

I used to count my days.

And now I count how many days I see

and how many per day I see of the rosary.

I count on the calendar.

Like I said, it's part of the remembrance

of the back in the Catholic school, the Fatima movement.

The Fatima was pray daily,

pray the rosary daily kind of movement.

So I count all that on my calendar now.

And it's part of a, we came to scoff,

but we remained to pray.

I think it says in the book.

'Cause I came with that idea that a part of it was like,

"Ah, the scoff of these guys.

They're not even believers in God."

And then it was scuffed.

And now it's just like, I just come to pray.

I just pray, just pray that just somehow,

even if they're not believers in God,

I could have a friend.

And somehow the people that are part of that fellowship

of just at least finding a friend

and the guy that maybe has less belief in God to me

is what keeps me kind of like lighted up,

feeling in life about the program.

Also, it goes on with everything.

There's a certain possibility

that at times turn around,

that somehow things become,

going towards the direction

that I want to achieve my goals.

Like back when I achieved college,

that was a time when it was going my way.

But for a while now,

it's like I've been suffering

with trying to get my dental work done

and they're gonna finally approve.

And I gotta possibly have all the teeth pulled.

It's like one guy shared a meeting in Pacific group.

He had one tooth in his mouth

and the leader guy of the Pacific group

would offer him a piece of gum.

So I saw that I had like,

what can I do about getting teeth

and then I got one tooth in my mouth

that's able to be able to attach a bridge

or some kind of brace to put the teeth in.

So they just finally said that

even though you have those teeth in the body of your mouth,

they're all rotten, they're not gonna survive.

They have to pull them.

So I'm gonna do that and then hope they're the best.

And I think it will be just a brand new start for me

after the end of the month comes along

and times are always better

'cause at five years of sobriety,

I got this motor scooter and it helped me get to meetings.

I was able to start getting to different

outside of my zone meetings

and gave me a little freedom

of getting outside of my zone meetings.

I got this little motor scooter

and then I just recently got a second one.

And it's like four years and nine months of my sobriety,

I'm getting a new motor scooter.

So I got the second one now just like two months ago

and it's really helping out

'cause I could go to those outside meetings

and then just meet people.

And that brings me back to somehow

I get that feeling when I'm at those new found meetings

that it's back to that love of the music of AA.

I hear it at the meeting and I hear it all.

It's like try to find a friend,

try to find someone to work the we care,

we care part of the program with

is that they have that network of family again in my life.

So I think that's just about all they have that's there.

I'm happy to be here and happy to be having

this resource sponsor and my two other sponsors

have stuck with me since '94.

My sponsor is both from the USR,

all three from the USR group.

And as is seeming to be sort of place

where it has worked out for me.

Seem to be, it's from my hometown.

That's another thing about the USR group.

It's right there in my hometown, right across the street

where I went to grammar school when I was a little kid.

So it's like really works out the USR group

for the place that it is 'cause I find it's,

you don't have to go very far.

This is to find recovery.

Okay, thanks for letting me share.

- How are you doing James?

- Pretty good, how are you doing Scott?

- Better.