Finding Strength Through Family and Sobriety

Thank you so much. Thank you for your share. I'm Diana. I apologize. I was a Girl Scout and a Girl Scout leader. So, Scout's honor. There was a big dog in the middle of Canoga Avenue and people were, you know, getting out of the way. And the poor guy had no collar on. So, I just kind of looked around and then I saw some neighbor come out and I go, do you know this dog? And she's like, he lives over there.

So, he was big. And I go, come on, baby. Let's go to your home. And he like almost knocked me down, slobbered on me, lost a shoe. But I called Abraham and that was the truth.

To me, being on time means 10 minutes early or 15 minutes early. So, I do apologize. That's not my normal thing.

Um, take a deep breath. Look around you guys. And so glad you're here and not watching that basketball game.

I thought that's why they needed someone because no one's going to be there. But there are people here.

Okay, I'm going to start with, I need to use my timer just so I have some sort of thing. You know what I mean?

Um, actually, I'll just look at my clock.

Your clock.

Okay, good. And then I need to end by what time?

Okay, so my end earlier, my, we don't know. It's all a surprise. So, I'm going to start off with, I'm Diana. I'm an alcoholic.

You're right. I said it down here when I was putting my purse down. But the proper appropriate place to you guys is to say it here and to whoever's on Zoom.

Welcome.

Um, what happened, what it was like, and how it's like now, that's good for me because I have a very busy brain.

Um, what it was like. I was born in Detroit, Michigan, and I had a mother and a father at the age, and my brother's four years older than me.

So, that's an important part.

My mother used to take us.

This comes from my brother, and she worked at Motown Records. That is definitely true.

And, um, she would take us there, and at the age of one, she was married to my father.

My father didn't have any drug problems, or he did smoke cigarettes.

Um, he didn't drink.

Occasionally, when he went out, maybe with, um, friends, so on.

But my mother left when I was one years old, and my brother was five, and never came back.

Apparently, she had a bad cocaine problem.

And I never knew any of this until probably, I'm 63, probably 20 years ago.

My father never spoke of her, and I never had the courage to ask him about her because I knew it was painful for my father.

But my brother told me,

He told me everything that he knew, and, um, anyway, that's how it all started.

And my father would get, like, a housekeeper, babysitter type person to watch me because I couldn't go to school yet.

My brother got to go to kindergarten, and, um, about four years later, he met my stepmother, and he married her.

And she, I, I was little.

I was, you know, five by then, so I was excited to have a mom.

And my brother was nine, and from that moment when they got married, she never liked my brother.

No matter what he did, he couldn't chew right.

I remember her saying, like, stop smacking your lips, or anything he did was wrong.

So I was always quiet.

And, um, my father traveled a lot for work, and my stepmom would get into it with my brother, and she would physically beat on him.

And I remember crying and going into a closet because I wanted to go in there, but I just couldn't.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

And my brother, when my father called, you know, he would call almost every night to see how we were.

My brother never spoke.

He never said anything.

But my stepmom did.

She would say, he did this, he did that, he did this, he did that.

So that's what he got.

So that's how that was, and it went on for years.

Um, my parents had a child together, so it's technically my half-sister.

But we never say that.

We're thick as thieves.

And, um, I remember her crying in the middle of the night, and picking her up, and making a bottle for her, and doing things like that.

Because my stepmother did not have a drinking problem or a drug problem, just a cigarette problem.

And she just didn't want to get out of bed.

So I would do that.

But anyway, we'll move forward past that time.

I just wanted to paint the picture that I always thought everybody else had this perfect house.

And I would go over someone's house after school and go, wow, my mom never, I would say, think in my head,

my mom never asked how school was.

Or gave us after school snacks.

And I always thought everybody, gee, I wish I could be part of this family.

And they always had, like, a nice little house.

My parents, not that it's bad, but they never owned anything.

They never owned a house.

You know, they just never did.

And a lot of people grow up in apartments.

That's just how it is sometimes.

Um, they never owned a car.

They would always lease a car.

So I learned.

At a very young age, when I could start working at the age of, like, 14, I lied how old I was.

And I got a job at 31 Flavors.

I would save as much money as I could.

Once in a while, I'd splurge and buy myself a pair of tennis shoes or a pair of jeans.

But I would save up all my money because I just saw how they were and thought to myself, I'm never going to be like that.

And, um, so I worked at 31 Flavors.

And I got to get two free scoops every night.

So I would take it home and see who, you know, I would call, actually, and see what they wanted and whose turn it was.

And, um, I would go to school.

And a lot of times, I wouldn't get bullied.

But people might make, the girls were a little, you know, catty.

And they might make fun of, like, my dress was not long.

Remember when, like, granny dresses were in?

And now they're, like, back.

Everything comes back, so save it.

But anyway, um, long dresses.

And mine was too short because I grew.

And that's what I had.

So it wasn't bullying.

It was just mean cattiness.

But you know what?

I felt, as I got older, it just made me stronger.

I didn't give it back or fight with them.

I'm just like, uh-huh, yeah.

Okay.

And just walk away.

Because I became really strong.

And, um, inside, I thought.

And as I got older, and I went to Taft High School.

And I went there when it was 9th, no, 10th, 11th, and 12th.

Now I think it starts at 9th.

So I went there at 10th, 11th, and 12th.

And I made lots of friends.

Because there were so many different groups.

You had your pot smoking group.

Or whatever they called it.

They called it stoners.

So, like, at lunchtime, there was, like, a little gaggle of people over there.

That was the stoners.

A little gaggle over here, that was the preppies.

A little gaggle over here, that was the misfits.

You know?

It just, I had friends from all the different groups.

Because I honestly didn't care.

I just wanted to be friends with nice people.

I didn't have to be popular, or be the best, or anything.

And every single day after school, I went to my job.

I had a job, and I would work till 9 o'clock at night.

And then I would come home and do my homework.

And I had to take buses everywhere.

Because my stepmom, she wouldn't pick me up.

And yucky stuff can happen to girls taking buses late at night.

Luckily, nothing too horrible happened.

I would always try and stay in the front where the bus driver was.

Because the bad stuff always happened in the back.

Or it happened when it was dark out, and you're waiting at the bus stop.

But, thank God, nothing horrible happened.

Then, everybody was graduating and going off to college.

And I knew that community college wasn't even going to get, I wasn't even going to get to go there.

Because I had to work right away.

My family.

My dad got really sick with diabetes.

They couldn't pay the rent.

We got kicked out.

My mom and sister went with a family friend.

My father had to go to the public hospital.

It was called Olive View.

And I remember visiting him there and taking buses just to get there.

And I just remember bawling and crying and begging him to get better.

Because I loved him so much.

But, once that happened to him, he had half a leg amputated.

He was never the same.

He couldn't walk with it.

Or maybe he didn't try hard enough.

I don't know.

But, he was never the same.

He had to go into a nursing facility at the age of like 52.

And I would do my best.

I had a full-time job.

And then I would take buses to go see him.

And let's fast forward past all.

And I got married.

I was working.

Bought myself a little car.

The front end was smashed in.

But the man who sold it to me promised that it had a really good engine.

And it was an Opel.

So, it was like a German car.

And it actually had a really great engine.

It always started up.

Now, it had no air conditioning.

No radio.

It didn't look pretty.

But, it was mom.

And I bought it myself.

Because who else was going to buy it, right?

And it was great.

I felt like, wow.

This is cool to have a car.

I was happy.

And so, I had a full-time job at the corner of Burbank and Sepulveda.

It's a coin shop.

There's different owners there now.

But, I worked for the original owners.

So, I started working there when I was 20.

And I stopped working.

And I started working there when I was in my early 30s.

Because I was married and had a baby.

A wanted child by both of us.

We both wanted a child.

And then, unfortunately, the year of our first marriage, we decided he was going to cheat on me.

So, my girlfriend found out and told me.

And so, I got in my car.

And I followed him.

And then, when I saw where he was going.

Because I was told where this person lived.

I just drove away.

And then, the next day, I took anything that was in the safety deposit box out.

And then, the checking account had a...

There was no savings.

But, the checking account had like $3,000.

Took that out.

All the credit cards were in my name.

Because he had horrible credit.

And I had a girlfriend who was an attorney.

And so, I...

I said, I need an attorney that specializes in custody.

Because that baby, my daughter, meant everything to me.

I mean, I...

It's not that I didn't want him to see her.

But, I didn't want him to do what he said he was going to do.

I'll say you're crazy.

I'll get custody.

Blah, blah, blah.

So, I filed for divorce.

And used that attorney.

And gave whatever I had in my hand.

And she took the case.

It dragged on.

And while I was working, I saved up a bunch of money for her future.

I didn't always...

I was working.

So, I didn't...

I would get child support.

So, I would save that up.

And use my paycheck to pay for the apartment.

And things that we needed.

That kind of thing.

And after that...

At the age...

Of 30, I started drinking.

When I was younger, once in a blue moon, my girlfriend and I, my best friend, we would go out to clubs.

All the clubs.

Whiskey, a go-go, and all these, you know, places.

And if you didn't have a wristband, you couldn't drink.

So, I never had a wristband because I was always like 18 or 19.

And that was okay with me because we were there just to dance and see the band.

We weren't there to meet guys.

We just wanted to...

Dance with each other and have fun.

And we would drink a little in the car before we went into the club.

And then, geez, hours later, we were completely sober because we danced it off, you know.

And so, I didn't really have a drinking problem back then.

But at the age of 30, I remember that.

When I was to put Emily to bed, I was by myself at night.

I was isolated.

I started drinking those.

But I didn't drink the whole thing every night.

It was actually too much.

The big jug of Gallo wine, that nice expensive stuff.

I would probably drink about three quarters of it some nights.

So, I think that's two bottles in there.

I don't remember.

I think it was 1.5 something.

I don't know.

But I would just do it at home.

I wasn't a drinker, driver person.

And then, I got to the point where later, speed up a little bit, got remarried to a

nice man, moved into, we moved into his house because he had a house.

And I worked in Beverly Hills at a different coin shop in antiquities and stamps and stuff

like that.

And the ride was miserable.

From Woodland Hills to Beverly Hills.

First, I had to drop her at her little school and drive over there.

No matter what, everybody knew a secret way to get to Beverly Hills.

Guess what?

Beverly Glen, the 101 to the 405, or these secret streets in Encino, no matter what I

did, it was exactly the same.

Trust me.

And coming home at night was just as bad.

And then, when I would walk in the door, I just wanted...

I wanted wine.

I was a wino, mainly.

And so, I would drink wine.

And I had a drinking problem.

I didn't...

I knew, probably by the age of 40 or so, that I was an alcoholic.

I knew it.

Nobody...

There was no messing around like, ooh, I wasn't sure.

Yes, I was sure.

Because I had to drink every single night.

Not to pass out.

I wasn't a pastor.

I wasn't a surrouter.

But just to get the stress.

And I would still think about the past and all that pain that was never dealt with.

And my brother, who never really did well, he could support himself, but that was about

it.

And he always had health issues.

And I think, really, he also maybe had Asperger.

Or a form of functioning, high-functioning autism, but was never, you know...

It was never handled by a doctor.

And so, I would think of him and I would be in touch with him.

And he lived in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, because he was a disc jockey.

Like an old-fashioned disc jockey where you actually played records back then.

And I was happy for him.

But still, he kind of was just never...

I don't know.

That's him.

never the same we never learned how to drive and so all of that pained me and my past was like a

monkey on my back I would think about it just about every day something would flash my head

and I would think about it because it was not dealt with and I drank alcohol for the pain

for the stress and anxiety that I had and finally 10 years later at the age of 50

I didn't drink during the day drank when the kids went to sleep at night but my husband who wasn't

my new husband anymore he was my husband he said in the morning one day he said you know I called

Betty Ford Center in the desert and our insurance will pay a good portion of it and he didn't say

nice like this there was no nice there was anger frustration um he had had enough

of it. Even though I wasn't physically hurting anyone, I was emotionally hurting him, emotionally

hurting our younger daughter because she would know that I was drinking. She knew I was upstairs

having a glass of wine because she knew. She wasn't dumb. She was like 14 years old. So I said

to him, I'm not going to Betty Ford. I said, I hear they use the big book. So I'm going to stay

here. And I said it loud with like conviction. I said, I'm not going there. I'm gonna go to AA.

Well, I didn't know where AA was. I didn't know how to find it. I didn't know anybody that was in

AA. But guess what? I found it. I looked online.

I found a phone number. I called central office. Got some poor man on the phone and I'm just

blubbering and crying and he can barely understand me. But he sent me to the closest meeting at the

closest time and I went. And the whole meeting, I sat there and unfortunately probably ruined

their meeting because I just cried. I couldn't stop crying. I knew I was an alcoholic.

I didn't know how to stop. I kept thinking that I could do it on my own. I would play games. I'm not

going to buy any wine. I'm not going to buy any wine. And then a week would go by, I'd have to

buy wine. It was like I had to. It was like life or death. And so then they gave me a big book and

I'll be honest with you and I have repaid for it many a times. I threw it in the trash. When I got

out of the meeting, I just was so self-loathing and so pitiful, hating myself. What a loser that I

am. I didn't think they were losers in the meeting. I thought, wow, they got this. Didn't

if someone had a month, I was like, wow, I really was. I thought that was just spectacular. So,

I had that about myself, not about you, not about them. And after maybe a month or two,

I started to go to meetings slowly. I would sit in the back of the room. I would fold my arms

and I would fold it, fold my arms because I was uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do with my

hands. Like, what do you do? Do you put them on your, you know, lap? Do you like do this? You

did not know what to do with my hands. So, I folded my arms and sat in the back of the room. And

for months and months, oh, most people stayed away from me. There were some that gave me their phone

numbers. I would never call because the phone must have weighed 500 pounds. I could not pick

up the phone. Just couldn't pick it up. And then one day I met this nice girl and she said,

I want your phone number. I want to call you. I want to call you. I want to call you. I want to call

you. I just want to call you and say hi to you. And she was so nice. I said, okay. And then she

called me a couple days later. And then she said, let's meet at this meeting. I said, okay, I'll do

that. And then a little bit of time went on. And then I saw how you get a sponsor. And so I asked

her to be my sponsor. And she was a good sponsor. She was very nice, very kind. She worked a lot.

We didn't ever work the same.

Once in a blue moon, she would have a printed out sheet for me of like some sort of work with AA.

So I would do it and then give it back to her the next time I saw her. I wasn't upset that I

wasn't getting to do the steps. I knew eventually I would, but a little time went by and then she

had problems at her work and things were going on with her family. So I said to her, I wanted to let

her off the hook. I wanted to let her off the hook. I wanted to let her off the hook. I wanted to let

her off the hook. Because I think she didn't want to do it the opposite way she felt so bad. And I

said, hey, you know, I really want to do the steps. So I think I need another sponsor because you're

so busy and I get that you're, you're holding together your family. And so she understood.

And to this day, I still call her and we talk on the phone. She's a really great person. Great,

great AA program. And then time just kept going, trucking on by.

And slow but sure, I never had a drink. There were times I wanted to, really, really bad. And I

just didn't go to the store and buy it. Or I would go like just try and buy everything at Trader Joe's.

Even though they had wine, I just stayed out of that way. And slow but sure, I got a little time.

Now I have 12 years and

the only regret I have is not getting to this program sooner. That's my regret because it truly

works. However, there's all different factors why it might work faster for one than the other,

or why someone doesn't get it and someone else does or why someone keeps relapsing. But it works

if you work it.

A big component for me is the fellowship. Huge component. Now, can I tell you I love everybody?

No. But do I treat everybody with respect? Oh, heck yeah. Because I didn't walk in their shoes.

I thought maybe they had the perfect life, but they didn't. And so everybody gets respect.

Everybody's due that respect. And I love the program. I have a high level of Methodism and I think,

I think you are going to value this program. Even if you're doing the same thing for yourself,

maybe you're going toLIE at it and it will get better, but it's worth getting it. I really like this program.

It's good. I love it. There's other programs that I don't like, I've never watched, or I've never watched.

I have a higher power. My higher power was super easy for me. It's God. I think there's one God for everybody. I take out the religious aspect of it, however I was born, whatever. I think there's one God for everyone. That's just me. And it doesn't mean I'm right, but that's how I think. And it's a spiritual program. I wish I could tell you that I meditate every day. I don't. I want to.

I meditate probably three, four times a week. I have a busy mind. Some of you know what a busy mind is like. And when I'm meditating, I start out real good. And then all of a sudden I'm thinking all these other thoughts that I need to do or thinking about something else. But I got to get better with that because it really does help. And also my best thing that helps me is breathing.

When I'm anxious or stressed out, I can do it and nobody knows that I'm doing it. I don't have to go, you know, I don't have to do that. I just sit there and I, and for me, that works best. That really helps me. And as I said, the fellowship is number one. God is number one for me. Fellowship and family, I kind of think they're merged in one.

A lot of the fellow, a lot of the people in AA to me are like family.

And I hope people that have a hard time with the program, I hope and pray that they ask for help from a fellow AA or maybe that person can help you. And if they can't, go to the next one because that's going to help you get the program stronger and stronger.

And I want to thank you so much. All of a sudden, I don't say it. I said it.

Abraham, I want to thank Abraham so much for asking me to be here tonight. And I want to thank all of you for being here. That's really nice of you, you know, because I know how it is, the Saturday night or the Knicks or playing who knows what's going on, you know. But thank you so much.

Here it is.

Thank you so much.