Finding Connection Through AA: A Journey of Recovery

Meaning, like, you have a number in mind, they gave you a number in mind.

Meeting. What kind of question is that?

What are you trying to Venmo?

Hi, Wil Alcoholic.

I'm trying to Venmo the meaning, modern technology.

It's funny, like, you know, I immediately walked in the room

and I just, I've been here.

I know I've been here.

I don't know when I've been here.

I don't know why I was here, but I just know I've been here.

It just looks familiar.

Or it's just like every AA room you've been into,

all of a sudden you're just like,

yeah, this feels about right.

That feels where I am, you know?

My sobriety date's February 9th, 2009.

So thank you very much for having me here.

I was supposed to be here a couple months ago,

but I couldn't make it because of a last minute work thing.

So I brought you Ryan Foley.

So if you were here when you saw Ryan Foley speak,

just imagine that every morning at eight in the morning

when he gives you a call.

Oh wow, so much, so much right now, so much.

But a dear friend of mine,

thank you for coming out and hanging out with me.

And

doing the deal.

Like him, I found it necessary to kind of wander away

for a while because my life,

it got big and beautiful and very, very busy.

And I thought other things were more important.

It's okay.

I really filled up the bank account and I'm okay.

And I'll just kind of fill in where I can with meetings.

And I found myself in clubhouses every once in a while

and it would go fairly regularly.

And there's nothing wrong with clubhouses,

but the meetings I ended up stumbling into,

I'd be the guy with the most amount of time.

And I'm like, oh, I don't need to be that guy.

You know, I don't need to be, I need some people.

I need some people above me.

So that way they can kind of keep me in line a little bit

because I will buy into my own nonsense very quickly.

You know, the guy who closes out the meeting,

they call on as the spiritual guidance.

I'm like, no, no, I don't need to be here.

I, maybe I need to be here right now,

but I don't need to be here for too long.

But that's very, very scary.

So thank you for having me.

It's always a pleasure to be here.

I totally forgot it was Saturday night.

You know, what is she supposed to do on a Saturday night?

I'm like, oh gosh, it's Saturday.

Holy cow.

Okay.

Good place to be right now.

It's a wonderful place to be.

I don't understand the life that I'm leaving right now.

It is a life that has been given to me.

No, it was a life that has been forced upon me

against my will and thank God for that

because it is way better

than what I would have planned for myself.

I am the youngest of four.

I have three older sisters.

They're all blonde hair and blue eyed.

I am neither of those things in case you were wondering.

I used to have very, very long hair, but that's what happens.

I got more gray here now, you know,

and my two oldest sisters are twins.

They're eight years older than I am.

And that's significant because when they're 16, I'm eight.

And the last thing like 16 year old girls want to do

is hang out with their eight year old brother, you know?

So it was a big family, a family of six, lonely, not lonely,

full house, lots of people.

But there's, I mean, the middle sister

was four years older than me.

A long four, almost five years older than me.

So I'm always just kind of bringing up the rear.

You know, it was always the joke

that I was the milkman's baby.

Very good looking milkman, by the way.

Thank you very much.

I'm going to compliment myself on that one.

But my father is, he's retired now,

but he's a retired orthopedic surgeon.

Did very, very well for himself.

Grew up to marry my mom who was a Miss Teen USA.

And they're both very Midwestern, St. Louis,

very kind, generous, warm.

I am the exact opposite of all of that.

They had no idea what to do with me.

Just kind of love me because I was too dumb to love myself.

And that's what you don't really necessarily

want to do with an alcoholic because they will just let me run,

you know, because it'll change.

It'll be OK because I'm the only alcoholic in my family.

My mom's side has some drinkers, but you know, that's their journey.

So my father being who he is was fairly successful.

I grew up in 5,000 square feet, spent my summers in Maui, spent, you know,

my winters in Vail and Banff and Windsor and doing all the fun things.

Like I said, very generous, very humble man.

But I became quite accustomed to a lifestyle that I did not earn.

And I wanted to maintain that as much as possible because it was lovely.

I am a product of the private Catholic school institution.

Went to private school my entire life.

And that was crippling, to say the least, because everybody was like me.

So when I'm 18 and I go to college,

I have no experience with other people, for lack of a better word.

Like I was just with water the entire time.

There was no ups or downs, you know?

And even with the water that I was swimming in,

a lot of things that I was doing in my life,

people would look at me like, you're doing what now?

Like I've never heard of these things, you know?

So it's just very strange.

It's hard for me to get my bearings.

I grew in a household of love.

I really did Christmases and family vacations.

And it was just wonderful.

It really was just wonderful.

And I took advantage of that every second that I could,

because I'm an asshole.

Excuse the language.

Because I'm an alcoholic.

I am always thinking about me.

And if I'm not thinking about me,

I'm thinking about how wonderful I am

that I'm not thinking about me.

That is just my MO and that's how I get down.

I remember I was in junior high

and I was flipping through the TV and got to channel 10,

which was MTV and all of us are old enough to remember MTV.

So that's good.

But saw Slash from Guns N' Roses,

with the top hat, the cigarette, the hair,

the welcome to the jungle video.

And I went, that is the coolest guy I have ever seen in my life.

And all I wanted to do with myself

was play loud rock and roll, drink as much as I possibly

could, or just be degenerate generally,

and sleep with as many women as I possibly could.

And mission accomplished.

That was my goal in life.

And that was my focus on many, many things.

But I'm 18.

I'm going up to college.

I'm following her because it was her

and we're going to stay together forever

and totally incapable of being in a relationship

or being a human being for that matter.

And I always felt a little strange everywhere I went.

I always just kind of felt like I was off,

a little off center.

And I went to Fresno State and I had hair down to here.

So I'm walking around and they're going,

who's the freak, you know?

So that's really where I discovered alcohol.

I joined the Greek system and there's nothing wrong

with the Greek system, but we drink.

And that's where I really discovered alcohol.

In high school, maybe I got loaded four or five times

in duration of junior high and high school

because that's what bad kids did.

But I discovered alcohol in college and I went,

well, this is nice.

And it didn't like, you know, you're like,

oh, it gave me confidence, it gave me this.

It just, it didn't really do any of that for me.

It just made me stop caring that I was different.

I just like, I just embraced it.

And I just went harder into the paint with it.

You know, I really went, I just really went into it

and it just made me feel comfortable when I was like,

this is good, I can live this way for quite a long time.

Fast forward a little bit.

I don't know, I was seven or eight years sober

and I had some wisdom teeth pulled out, right?

So they put me under, popped those teeth out.

So I'm coming to, and I'm looking up

and there's a beach scene and you see the waves,

like it was stationary, but since the drugs

were getting out of my system, like I was coming out,

the waves were going, the clouds were going.

And I was like, well, this is nice, I can do this.

This is lovely, I could sit here for a while.

But you know, in college, that's just the way it was.

That's how I ran.

I just drank as much as humanly possible.

I came back down here because I was following her again

because I didn't learn my lesson the first time,

slow learner.

And like I said, I just dove into the music scene

and just playing music and I got the business card job.

I was a segment or associate producer for Ryan Seacrest

when he was on the radio.

So I had the business card job

and sometimes people would be like,

you're Will, I heard you on the radio,

which is really jarring.

Now, because I already had that inadequacy problem

where I just don't feel like I belong anywhere

and I don't belong doing what I'm doing.

But now you're talking to me a little differently.

So now why are you talking to me, right?

Are you talking to me because you're actually

really interested in me or are you talking to me

because you kind of want to wiggle your way in somewhere?

You know, so it was just very, very strange.

And I just, we had a difference of opinions at that job.

I wanted to stay and they wanted me to leave.

So they gave me my walking papers,

but I was sabotaging myself

because I really wasn't comfortable there.

And I just felt like an imposter.

Like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Why am I here?

This is crazy.

So I really kind of self-sabotage myself.

And I knew I'm like, this is not where I want to be.

Probably was where I should have been.

I was just too scared to take it seriously

because I'm living at home the entire time

while this is going on because I'm completely inadequate.

And like I said, I became accustomed to quite a lifestyle

and I'm allowed to stay here.

As long as I can and do what I want.

Well, I'm going to stay here as long as I can

and do what I want.

So I did.

So after that awesome radio gig, I said,

well, what the hell am I going to do with myself?

Well, all I really knew were bartenders.

So I got a bartending gig and that is fantastic.

Fantastic, right?

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm in the bars and I'm working.

We're not supposed to drink on the job.

Not supposed to do a lot of things on the job,

but we did a lot of things on the job.

And I'm a pure alcoholic.

There's been nothing in my nose or nothing in my mouth.

Nothing in my nose or nothing in my veins.

If you're an alcoholic, I love Jägermeister and Heineken.

Love Jägermeister and Heineken.

And the way we drink, everybody always drinks Jäger and Red Bull.

And I'm like, why, why that seems silly?

Just drink the Jäger, you know?

And in the wells, that's where the ice is.

We keep bottles of Jäger.

And there's times where we're going through a bottle a night.

Just me and another guy.

And we're just doing bam, bam, bam, you know?

And a bartending gig is a great gig for an alcoholic

because you get cash and you get to drink on the job.

You're not supposed to, but your big party nights,

I'm already in the bars.

And you know, like I said, I'm in a band,

I'm playing rock and roll and the ladies are lovely.

I loved all my girlfriends.

I cheated on every single one of them.

I'm the type of guy, this is me.

I'm the type of guy, I'm in a relationship with somebody.

I meet somebody at the bar.

We do whatever we have to do in the back of my truck.

And then I go home and kiss her on the mouth.

That's the type of guy that I am, right?

I'm the type of guy who has a birthday party,

invites three or four women that I'm sleeping with

at the same time.

They don't know this just to see what happens.

Cause I got to thin out the herd.

Like that's how I roll.

That's how I get down.

I will use you quickly until I am done.

And then I will never talk to you again.

I am gone.

That's how I do things.

So bartending gigs are great.

Met a girl who likes to drink just as much as I do.

More, more of the, now I had an excuse to hammer.

Let's go, let's go.

And I found a girl at the, at the, at my job,

at the bar who wanted to be a lawyer.

And I like lawyers because they make lots of money.

And I've become quite accustomed to a lifestyle.

I am 27 still living at home with my parents,

not paying rent, not paying bills,

doing whatever the hell I want.

Just doing whatever I want.

Once again, they've never seen anybody like me.

Don't know what to do with me.

You know, God bless them.

I wouldn't say naive, just, you know,

God and your mother will just love you forever, won't they?

But, um, I found this woman.

This woman who was going to be a lawyer.

She was moving down to Orange County

and I got tired of this town anyway.

So I was going to, I went down there and moved in with her.

And after eight months she went, you are a wreck.

You are a mess.

She didn't know.

She's like, you're a mess.

She came home and said, what are you planning on doing?

Living off me for the rest of your life?

And my first thought was, shit, who told you?

Cause that was exactly my plan.

And I just looked at her and I said,

I thought I had more time.

I don't know what that means to this day.

You know, I was just going to ride for a couple years

until she got through law school

and then I was going to get my act together.

Um, I picked up a couple of DUIs.

Well, I picked up one DUI during that time,

not in Orange County, but I picked up one DUI and you know,

I'd go to the Valley Club and loaded

because I'm still going to AA meeting.

It's just dumb, you know?

And, and, uh, I think that woman a week before Christmas,

she came home to an empty apartment.

I just took everything and left.

She was in school and I just called up everybody.

I said, I need you down here.

And we just load up and took off.

I still remember the voicemail, but now my heart was broken.

So now I had an excuse.

I ran home to mom and dad because I have zero coping mechanisms.

I have no idea how to conduct myself.

I had to do everything loaded.

I had to do everything loaded.

Just wake up and go.

I had to, I couldn't get my haircut when I had hair.

How dare you, sir?

But I couldn't do anything.

So I ran home to mom and dad and I had an excuse, you know,

because she broke my heart, fell into a bottle.

Didn't really leave the bottle, but you know,

now I had something that everybody can get behind, you know?

So I got myself another bartending gig because I really,

I was unemployed.

I have really no marketable skills, you know, which is guitar.

Give me a CEO position.

So you know, bartending gig and I was out in Simi Valley and I was drinking as usual

and I was going home and all of a sudden the lights flash.

And they're really mean out there in Ventura County.

Don't get pulled over in Ventura County, you know?

And when I first started going to AA meetings at my first DUI, there was a woman who stood

up there and said, Hey, if you're here for your first DUI, you might've just made a mistake.

But if you're here for your second DUI, you might have just made a mistake.

If you're here for your second DUI, you might want to look at it.

Now what I heard was I'm okay until I get my second DUI.

That's what I heard because I just need an inch and I'm going to run with that bad boy.

So you know, I take you to the drunk tank and all these things and I finally get home

the next day and I call my sisters who I have a fragmented relationship with at that time.

But I called my sisters and like, I think I got a problem.

They're like, no kidding.

We've been waiting for this phone call forever.

No kidding.

All right.

Well, I went to one of those bougie rehabs because I couldn't do the 90 and 90.

I kind of needed to be, mostly I wanted to run away from all the consequences that I

gave up on, you know, thrusting upon me.

So I went to one of those bougie rehabs, a little 90 day bougie rehabs that they charge

your insurance with celebrities and we're going to be on people magazine as sober friends

and you know, they, they check you in and uh, you know, you wake up, they wake you up

at six in the morning to check your pulse and check your every, all these vitals on

you.

And they're like, we're just making sure you're okay.

I'm like, I was sleeping.

I was okay.

Why are you waking me up?

Leave me alone.

It's six in the morning.

I didn't know they made a six in the morning anymore.

I get, apparently I missed that memo, you know?

And um, after about a week there, Mr. Del Piso, it seems to us, you don't want to make

your bed.

I'm like, that seems to be correct.

You should probably get on top of that for as much money as that I'm not paying to be

here.

You should make my bed for me, you know, but with all the bravado and all the noise, I

don't know if anybody relates this, but when somebody kind of gets on you, you turn up

the volume a little bit, push everybody away.

It's a lot easier that way.

But I knew, I knew I looked myself in the mirror and I went, what the hell, what the

hell?

Like I couldn't, I couldn't ignore it anymore.

It was really easy for me to ignore the next day.

A lot of my benders and a lot of the situations I got myself into and uh, her, um, what was

I thinking?

For whatever reason, I looked in the mirror and it hurt so bad and I went, I don't care

what they asked me to do.

I'm going to do whatever they tell me to do.

I can't do this anymore.

I just flat cannot do this anymore.

And um, the thing with rehab is the more noise you make, the more everybody descends upon

you because they want to help you.

So I went, okay, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut now and just do everything that

they tell me to do.

So I did my 90.

I did my, you know, living and all that other stuff and I came home once again to mom and

dad cause I literally have zero money, but at least I'm sober now, you know, 90 days

sober.

And I found the USR men's stag, which is my home group on Thursday nights and they are

not nice.

They just pull over there.

They poke you in the chest.

Um, why are they treating me like, how is everybody treating me like garbage?

Cause you're acting like garbage and they're treating you exactly the way you should be

treated.

Oh, Oh, okay.

Okay.

But it was where I found Alcoholics Anonymous where men were actually doing the deal, right?

It wasn't just guys in the podium just talking and just looking good in front of everybody.

It was guys actually like, no, no, I have a family and I treat my family correct and

I have parents.

And I call them and I love them, you know, and I have a God of my own understanding and

I treat my family well and I have a job that I do well at.

Like they were walking the walk.

They weren't living in meetings.

They were living life.

And I went, Oh, Oh, okay.

Okay.

Let's, let's see what's going on here.

And I just did exactly what they told me to do.

I went up to a gentleman and I said, Hey, will you be my sponsor?

Um, and he said yes.

And I went, Oh no, don't say yes, don't say yes, please.

And he was very mean to me.

I wasn't suggested anything.

I was told what to do.

Nobody suggested anything to me.

I don't care.

Drink and die.

Click.

You know what I mean?

And here's the problem.

It's not, death is not the problem.

That's thank God.

Cause all the problems go away.

The problem is you don't die and you're a piece of garbage for the rest of your life.

Oh, Oh no.

That's not a good look.

I don't feel that doesn't feel right.

So I just did what the men told me to do.

And the first year sucked out loud sucked next year's.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, third year.

I'm on my own.

I'm in an apartment.

I'm doing my.

Oh, okay.

You know, you start getting those things, you know, and I just did what the men told me

to do.

And I did the steps and I read the book and I went to meetings.

I tried to be a service of where I can.

I have found that I don't need to be in a leadership position because I take myself

entirely too seriously.

Don't need to be that guy, you know, but I just did what the men told me to do because

they had what I wanted.

Right?

Not everybody has what I want, but I found the men who I'm like, Oh, I want this.

I want this.

I want the men who I'm like, Oh, I want to be like you or even close relation to you.

If you guys are familiar with the USR or Bob Fischer, you know who Bob Fischer was.

Bob Fischer was a staple in that meeting.

And if I could be 10% of Bob Fischer, holy cow, he's a monster.

Still is a monster.

My sponsor, I'll call it my sponsor complain about something he's all, let me get this

straight.

I'm like, no, don't say that to me.

Don't.

And then he would every once in a while say, well, what would Bob Fischer do?

I'm like, that is hurtful, sir.

It's hurtful.

Say that to me.

I don't like, but I just followed those men and I did exactly what I was supposed to be

doing, you know, and got myself a little lady, got myself a wife now and who I take for granted

more than I should.

And it's a shame because like I said, for a while there, we opened up our business,

opened up a business together, which I do not recommend.

And we closed a business, which I highly recommend us being who we are.

She's an alcoholic also.

But I got myself a wife.

I got myself a little lady and trying to have a kid, you know, taking a second or two, you

know, finally, finally.

And December, 2018, she's five months pregnant and there's a problem.

So we lost that child.

That would have been my son.

It was a week before Christmas, you know, I was nine years sober and her sponsor, he

asked me, he's like, Hey, you want to go speak at a meeting?

I'm like, I don't even know what's going on.

And I can reflect on it now that the real miracle about all that was that the last thing

I even was thinking of was drinking.

Okay.

My first thought was like, I need an adult.

Somebody help me.

I don't know what I'm doing.

And my sponsor said to me, he's like, at the end of the day, be proud of the day you had

and be proud of putting your head on the pillow.

Okay.

I don't know what that means.

But okay.

I understand that for whatever strange reason.

I get it.

All right.

So I want to put my head down today and go, I did, I did well today, you know, because

whatever I'm going through, I cannot even imagine what I'm going through.

I can't imagine what I'm going through.

I can't imagine what I'm going through.

I can't imagine what I'm going through.

I can't even imagine.

It's just one of those things, you know, we're promised sobriety and we participate in life.

These things happen.

It's up and down.

It's left and right.

Nobody said it'd be easy.

But what they did say was that we're going to help you get tools in order to deal with

these things like this.

So I want to put my head down today and go, I did well today.

You know, because whatever I'm going through, I cannot even imagine what my wife was going

through.

I cannot even imagine.

It's just one of those things, you know, we're promised sobriety and we participate

in life.

These things happen.

It's up and down.

It's left and right.

Nobody said it'd be easy.

But what they did say was that we're going to help you get tools in order to deal with

these things like a man, like a human being, like somebody to be respected.

You know, you know, and when the storm was going, they put my feet on the ground.

I'm like, not today.

You're not blowing me around.

I'll be back here tomorrow and I don't care how long it's going to take, but we're going

to ride this out.

And, um, yeah, we lost that child and we opened up a business.

We put all our efforts into it.

We put all our efforts into it.

We put all our efforts into it.

We put all our efforts into it.

We put all our efforts into it.

We put all our efforts into it.

And, um, decided that alcoholics and non-profits was not necessarily the most important thing

right now because we're trying to build something.

And I think within that seven years, I think I was on the verge of divorce three times.

A lot of pressure.

You're that pressure cooker and I'm a little kicker.

I'm a little kicker.

I'm like, you know what?

Let's put some pressure on these kids.

Let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here.

You know, and one of the things that we learned is that if, you know, if they put their life

at risk, that's going to be the worst thing ever.

Because I've been with them for a long time.

we opened up a business we put all our efforts into that and decided that Alcoholics Anonymous

was not necessarily the most important thing right now because we're trying to build something

and I think within that seven years I think I was on the verge of divorce three times a lot

of pressure you're that pressure cooker and I'm a little stubborn I'm a little self-righteous but I

stopped doing the things that I should have been doing right I stopped going to meetings I stopped

reading the big book stopped being a service thinking about me all the time and I don't need

to drink to ruin my life I can do it pretty well without keeping in contact I was calling my

sponsor and I was doing the things and I was around I wasn't in the middle I was around and

you know what happens to people who stay around don't stay around for very long you know but

during that time um we had a we had a little girl because God has a sense of humor so we had a

little girl she'll be four in July and she oh oh like that that ruins you that softens you so

quickly

you can't even understand I have all the great intentions of saying no like no I'm going to be

disciplined and not that falls right out no because that's my little girl right there and

I got to spoil the hell out of her I have to you know but she forces me to be a better human being

she forces me to be a better human being we had a five-year anniversary party for our business we

owned a gym five-year anniversary party and in our location every once in a while we have somebody

you know sleeping outside because they have no place to go sleeping by the dumpster my wife's

like oh we should give them the extra food we had left over and I'm like no they're like feral cats

once you feed one of them the rest of them can't get rid of them and uh putting my baby in the back

of the car told my wife like hey just keep your eyes out there's a gentleman sleeping eight feet

away and he's kind of restless she's like daddy what's wrong with him and I'm like oh oh monkey

he's just getting comfortable he's just trying to sleep she looks at me she's like maybe he just

misses his mommy oh why did you say that every time I see somebody now sleeping on the street

I'm like maybe they just miss their mom you know it just you just but those little things you go

yeah yeah I'm terrible I get it I get it thank you for reminding me how to be a better human being

but you know Ryan and I uh we uh rediscovered each other maybe about three or four months ago

both of us going like we need to be better people don't we so like I said I get a phone call every

morning regardless if I want it or not from Ryan Foley lighting my world on fire but it it's it's

not it's the music it's the music of it you know I mean I I like oh yeah that's right that's right

this is where I need to be and these are the people I need to be talking to and this is the

life that I need to lead and this is who I need to this is what I need to prioritize these are

things that I need to focus on you know and not everybody makes it back into the rooms and I have

too much way entirely too much I have a home I haven't missed a meal since I've been sober

clean clothes I take my blessings and shift them over into the burden pile as opposed to reminding

myself that I wanted these burdens and maybe you should count your blessings stupid because

there's somebody sleeping on the road who just misses his mother you know my wife lost her mother

six months ago I come home she's crying every once in a while she's like yeah this is the first time

I did xyz without calling my mom you know my dad and I um have not seen eye to eye in the last

couple years um

my part in it is probably haven't been the best son in the world um you know and it's it's been

a challenge to say the least and I would talk to my sponsor about it and kind of pining you know

why does my father love me just being overly dramatic but he's just like man you gotta mimic

the behavior you want so when you leave your parents house give your dad a hug and a kiss

and say I love you and walk out what's the problem you know because those are the things that I can

control those are the little thing I can't control anything else but what I can is control my

behavior and my reactions and how I do things

right I can do those things okay I can do that you know regardless of how a situation might be

with my family or like that I can okay I can be that person you know um and it's just those little

reminders that I forgot about that the blessings of Alcoholics Anonymous had given me you know

that I just took for granted once again I took all my blessings pushed them to the side and said

I'm going to take control of this I got this figured out going crazy losing my mind because

I'm just uncomfortable because I forgot to do the things that I should be doing and

I was really frustrated I'm not going to go to meetings every once in a while and being the

spiritual guidance of everybody it's not a place where I need to be I understand it's 17 years

sober where I sit in the mix of things but I still need people above me you know the double my time

look at me going like yeah okay settle down stupid okay that was cute love ya but stop believing your

own height and that's the blessing of Alcoholics Anonymous and that's the blessings that like I

said have been thrust upon me against my will just because I chose to push all my chips in and say I'm

I don't care what they ask me to do I am going to do it because I am done I truly believe you know

in the deepest of your soul if you are done I have seen people who are 99% in and I have

buried those people I have buried those people this is the first thing in my life where I went

I don't care what it is or what you want me to do all in I am all in hell or high water I'm rolling

with this and it has given me more than I have given it way more than I have given it because

once again I will find ways to take advantage of little things or finesse the situation that I feel

benefits me the most as opposed like hey maybe you should think about somebody else for 10 seconds

out of the day you think you can do that I know it's a long time to think about somebody that's

a long time to think about somebody else but maybe you should do that because for the first 30 years

you thought about yourself and that ends you up and ends you up in alcoholics

anonymous how well did that work out for you you clearly have your life in order because nobody

really comes in here on a winning streak you know we're not the house in the hills with millions and

millions of dollars in the cars and everybody loves us you know you know what on a Saturday

night I'm going to an AA meeting to see what's going on there but those are the things that have

been given to me and there's everything I learned about alcoholics anonymous in life I learned in

the first 90 days go to meetings be a service read the big books be a service and think about

somebody else maybe let's do that last one in there but think about

somebody else maybe for a second you know I mean and it's just I hear the same thing over and over

in different versions why because I'm dense and I need to hear it over and over and over again

to remind myself on how wonderful my life is that I asked for all of this I wanted this life and

sometimes I'm too stupid to remember those things and it's the men and women in these rooms who

slap me across the face

metaphorically who slap me across the face and remind my remind me you asked for this and you

get this you can go out and die how about that leave that little girl leave your wife go ahead

and die see how that works out for you it is a blessing to be here it is an honor to be here

this has it didn't save my life it just gave me a life you know and it's not even mine it's not

even mine it's God's life and it's just my responsibility to try to do it as best I can

you know it'd be honest intentions and that's just what I said to my wife I said to my wife

this is what it is supposed to be doing it's um it's a blessing to be here thank you for having me

here thank you for coming and listen to my nonsense for the last 35 minutes

the chaos in my brain but it's a blessing to be here thank you very much

Thank you

Thank you

That was really good

Very good

Bill, glad I wasn't one of your girlfriends

No