Finding Sobriety Through Family Healing

Hi, I'm Kathy. I'm an alcoholic. Hi. Hello. Thank you, everyone, for asking me to speak tonight. Let's see. Today, I was working on my finances with my husband, who's also an alcoholic. So you can only imagine what it is like working with the two recovering alcoholics working on numbers. So but I'm grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous because it has allowed me to be able to communicate and always see my part and see how I can help people.

I can do better. And AA is in my life every single day, in every moment of my life. I have 11 years of sobriety. My sobriety date is February 9 of 2015. And my home group is Pacific Group. My sponsor is Brenda Watson. I just got a new sponsor switched over about three or four months ago. So that's, it's been, you know, it's a lot. It's exactly where I'm supposed to be. And I'm super grateful for that. So a little bit about

myself. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley in North Hollywood. And I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was an alcoholic. So let's take a look at the time. My father was an alcoholic. And I had two older siblings that were a lot older. My sister's 11 years older than I am. And my brother's 15 years older. And then I have a younger brother that's five years younger. So before my brother was born, I felt very alone, right? So my siblings were a lot older teenagers. I mean,

my own brother had graduated from high school. And when I was little, like, I didn't know that

they were my siblings. You know, I didn't understand that. And growing up, I was very,

a very extremely anxious kid. There was a lot of chaos in my household. Interestingly enough,

you know, with my dad being an alcoholic, it was just all different experiences, like all the

feelings encompass in one, like there was a lot of, you know, laughter, a lot of sadness, a lot

of happiness, a lot of pain, a lot of anger, you know, a lot of fighting. So, you know, I grew up,

it was just a little confusing, because I didn't know, you know, on a Friday night, Saturday night,

what it would look like, right? And as a kid, I was super, super nervous. When my parents would

start fighting my stomach, I would get some kind of tummy ache, like knots, like kind of like the

anxiety we get when you know, we're drinking out there. So I feel like I, you know, I was born an

alcoholic. And, you know, growing up, like I mentioned, you know, felt really alone. And then

my brother was born. And then that was just a new thing for me as well. Still not understanding that

this little baby is my brother. And, you know, I didn't have parents, I really explained things to

me, you know, I was like, five, six, seven years old. And I just, you know, a baby popped out of

my mom. And I'm like, Okay, cool, I get someone to hang out with. And, but at a very young age,

you know, alcoholism was very, very present in my life.

family. And so it was kind of it was a little hard to navigate life, I would say, you know,

going to school, you know, I tried to enjoy it. But it was hard. Sometimes I, you know, because

my parents would be arguing at night, I'd be sleepy the next morning, and things that I didn't

know back then that I'm realizing more now as more years of sobriety comes along, right of of how

alcoholism is a family disease, right. And so, you know, I went on with my in elementary, I had a lot

of friends, I had a lot of friends, I had a lot of friends, I had a lot of friends, I had a lot of friends,

like I was a popular kid, but I didn't feel like I was in the popular crowd, right? I felt like I was

always looking behind the scenes, just kind of just extremely shy, extremely quiet. And then I also

had a huge, why still do have a stuttering issue. And I believe that I believe I know that it came

from growing up in that chaotic home, right. And like I said, these are all things that I'm

realizing now that I've gotten, you know, outside help with as well. But I still have a lot of friends,

and I still have a lot of friends, and I still have a lot of friends, and I still have a lot of friends,

but so you know, growing up with that, you know, still confused. My dad loved my dad, my dad was my

best friend, right? Like the alcoholic, I just loved him. And then I didn't, I wonder why my mom

was so rageful, right? Like, what's going on here? Like, I didn't, I didn't understand. And as a young

kid, you know, I saw a lot of things that I shouldn't have seen, I experienced a lot, a lot

of things I shouldn't have experienced. And, but I blocked that off, you know, like I went on as

elementary school, you know, middle school, I was a good kid, I think for me is that I was trying to

be such a good kid, because I didn't want to create more havoc in my household, right? So I was,

I have this thing where I'm a perfectionist, like I want to do really well, like I want to get that

gold star, like that is always my goal. And I also took it upon myself to take care of my younger

brother, I had this full responsibility of doing that. And what it would look like on a Friday or

Saturday night going to a family party is getting that same, you know, not in my tummy, getting to

the party, not knowing how the night was going to be. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know,

it was going to end. And of course, by the end of the night, just making sure you know, my mom was

having a good time taking care of my little brother. And then I knew my dad was out there

drinking with my uncle. And by the end of the night, my mom would be in the car having me go

back and forth to convince my dad, come on, let's go, we have to go, we have to go. So for a seven,

eight year old kid to be doing that, you know, it was, you know, it was rough. So middle school was

fine. There was a lot of kids that were already doing drugs and drinking, I had no idea, like

until high school.

I was like, I said, I was trying to be a straight, a straight edge kid, went to high school. And

same thing, you know, it's just, you know, cruising through high school, same thing, you know, I had a

lot of friends, you know, I was a popular kid, and I was just trying to be involved. And I wanted a

better life for myself. I never once thought like, I don't want to be like my dad, because I adored

my dad. What I did notice is the consequences, right. And that is what really scared me is how

drinking can create these

problems in a family and also, yeah, like how, how it affected us. So I knew for me, that's something

that I didn't want to carry on. But never did I feel like I don't want to be like my dad, I love

my dad, my dad was my best friend, like I mentioned. And that's how this, you know, the daddy's girl

and all good, right. And then my first drink was when I was 16, I think maybe 17. It was again,

at a family party. And my cousin had asked if I wanted to take a shot. And

it was just, you know, like I said, a good kid, I could not hang out with my cousins, because they

were already drinking and smoking pot. And my when I would go to these parties, my mom would look at

me and tell me, you better not go hang out with them. They would hang out behind the canopy, right,

doing their thing. And I have to be in the living room taking care of my little cousins and my

brother. So when he asked me, and the one thing is that I love to dance. So I would go out and dance

on the dance floor. And then I danced with him. And, you know, but it took me a while, like I'd be

there for hours. And I couldn't go and do it by myself until someone asked me to do it. So I was

extremely shy, like I couldn't fully be myself, because I was always on guard. I was just always

observing my surroundings. And so when he asked me to take a shot, I said, you know, sure, why not?

So we took a shot. We went, we sat back down. And there's both like a couple of minutes. I'm like,

oh, you know, let's go back and take another shot. He's like, okay. And he's worried,

because he knows my dad is extremely strict, right? And he knows like, I can't be doing what

I'm doing. So then I went for the third shot. And he's just looking at me like,

are you sure? And I'm like, dude, it's totally fine. Let's go. So we went and we took another

shot. And that's the way that I drank. I love hard liquor. I'm a binge drinker. I drink on the

weekends. I'm a party girl to the fullest. It doesn't mean that I haven't that I don't drink

other days I do, but I'm not the typical everyday drinker. But I am a party party binge drinker.

And so hard liquor is my thing. Vodka and whiskey were my main drinks. And that night,

like all that anxiety, all that responsibility that I felt like I had to hold on to just kind of

dissipated. And I ended up sitting on a guy's lap. And I totally forgot that I had invited my high

school sweetheart. So when I came to, I was sitting down on this guy's lap. And what makes

it worse is that this guy's lap was this guy was my cousin, right? And it was really hard for me

to share. This is the first time I've ever shared that and for, you know, from the podium.

And, you know, he's not my blood cousins, like in the Latino community, people you grew up with

become your cousins, your uncles, you know, so on and so forth. But there was a lot of shame around

that, right? And shame with because it was confusing for me. And, you know, as soon as my

high school sweetheart shows up, I'm just justifying every action, every behavior, because

that's just what I do as an alcoholic. It's not what it looks like, you don't understand. And

that's how the rest of my drinking came along. And

interestingly enough, is that at that moment, I feel completely alive, like I feel so the most

present I have ever felt in my whole entire life. And it just felt, you know, it felt good. And for

someone to tell me that I was drunk, I didn't understand. I felt like no, this is who I am,

like everything is, you know, I feel good. Like I am so present right now. And, you know, after

that, you know, I think I was 16, 17. It's not like I continued drinking or seeking it. But I

knew that if we were to come across it, or we went to another party, I'd want to drink. So,

I went to college, I went to CSUN. And, you know, we started drinking, like on the weekends.

And some of my girlfriends went to school at UC Santa Barbara. So, they went to UC Santa Barbara.

And like I said, my dad was extremely strict, but now I'm 18, right? So, still living under his roof,

so I need to ask for permission. But now he's a little bit more flexible with me and letting me

go out. So, I went, I would go to Santa Barbara every weekend. And that's when my drinking took

off, right? Like driving away on the freeway. And I was like, I'm going to go to UC Santa Barbara.

Anyway, you know, seeing that big bridge, once you get to Ventura County, I was like, we're here,

we're here. Because once we get to Santa Barbara, like it's on, like I get to drink the way I want

to drink. And it wasn't a big deal, because everyone was drinking the way we were drinking.

But I was still the one that was getting the most hammered, you know, from all my friends. But still,

same thing. Like, I didn't think it was a big deal. I had good grades, I was going to college.

Then I felt like, you know what, CSUN is not, I was always looking for something better. So,

for some reason, I felt like CSUN,

wasn't good enough for me, right? I want to go to UC Santa Barbara. So, I told my parents,

you know, I'm moving with my girlfriends to Santa Barbara, and I'm gonna go to City College out

there and then transfer to UCSB. And when I, you know, gave that proposal to my family,

the first thing my sister said was, you just want to go because you want to party. And I remember

feeling offended because I was like, no, I want to better my education. Like it didn't click,

right? So, I go off to Santa Barbara. And, you know, at this point, I'm 19 years old, right?

Off to Santa Barbara, 19 going to...

Going on 20. And I'm binge drinking. I don't think it's a big deal because I'm going to school

full time. I'm working full time. You know, my parents didn't have the means to provide for me

to go to college and not work. Like that wasn't part of my life. So, I felt like I deserved it.

You know, it's, I'm taking care of myself. So, this big boss type of attitude, this big shot,

like ego was always present in me. And I feel like nobody can tell me what to do, right? And

I had a college boyfriend at that time who I, you know, cheated on,

with my, I cheated on my high school boyfriend with this guy because he, I didn't know how to

break up with guys. So, I'm like, let me do something horrible and have this person hate me

so I can hate myself as well and then move on. And, you know, I held him hostage for about four,

six years. And, you know, I had, I mean, alcohol poisoning a couple of times. They didn't think it

was a big deal. They didn't really understand what that was, right? And, you know, once I was

in Santa Barbara, like after being there for, I think, five years, I was like,

I need to go back to LA. You know, I didn't get a chance to go to these clubs with my high school

best friends. Like, I need to go back up because Santa Barbara is not the same as LA, right? It's

very different, the culture and just the lifestyle. And, you know, I, I moved back, you know, and my

whole thing was I'm going back to take care of my family, right? That big shot ism that I have. And

I'm going to go get a job and take care of them. And sure thing, that's exactly what happened. I

came back and I literally got a job the same day that I went to look for one. And I'm already

thinking this is great. So I take myself with me right back home, you know, and I didn't want

everyone to know that I had made it to UCSB, but then got rejected because I had failed a class,

right? Also like hiding. I don't, I can't let anyone know that. So I'm going back to save my

family, be the rescuer, right? And so I'm doing that. I'm working full time. My younger brother

has a band, right? My younger brother now is 19 and I'm 24. And he's with all his group of guy

friends. And I'm like, okay, rock and roll. And I'm like, okay, let's do this. And I'm like, okay,

I can do this, you know? So I become the band manager and then I'm setting up shows for them

everywhere in the Valley. And it's great because when you're the band manager, you get a lot of

perks, you know, I'm setting up these shows and we get free drinks and now I'm teaching them how

to drink, like how we do it in Santa Barbara. We have parties in my house, you know, the way we

did in Santa Barbara. And, you know, my parents let me, you know, I, you know, all the things

that I said I wouldn't do happened. I would never drink with my dad ever. I drank with my dad. I

ever, ever smoked pop with my dad. He's in the circle, puff, puff pass, right? And I'm doing this

and feeling so uncomfortable. Like I can't believe I'm doing this, but you know what? I'm so high.

I'm so drunk right now that it doesn't matter. And I just want to check my time. Okay, my 20

minutes, I got about 10 minutes, go for 10 minutes. And, you know, so I'm drinking, having a good time

with my younger brother. And then, you know, the problems have, were always present. I mean,

with my college boyfriend, I mean, I was a horrible girlfriend. You know, I cheated,

I lied. I just, I did it all. I did it all. And I didn't care about people's feelings. I,

you know, it's just, I'm a free spirited person. And if you have a problem with that, don't be

near me. That was my attitude. And, you know, my dad has always said, you know, you're the daughter

of the tiger, you know, of a tiger, you can do whatever you want. And that's how I felt. I did

whatever I wanted. And, you know, it's, but the problems started coming, you know, and I'm here

working full time, being the band manager. Then I fall in love with my brother's best friend,

who's the drummer. And we started going out. And my brother hates me, right? Because he's like,

you're gonna, you're gonna break his heart. I know who you are, how you are. And I was so mad. Like,

I would never do that. Like, I love him, right? I love him. I would never do that. And I wasn't

faithful. I did things, I hurt him, but he stuck with me, right? And I remember, you know, working

full time out, out in Melrose. And I had an, I always had a high title position. Like I was an

op, I was an operations manager at that time. And I was, I was an operations manager at that time.

For a clothing store in Melrose. And I remember my husband, the boyfriend, the drummer, he's my

husband now, driving me to Melrose to get to, to work on time. And I don't know about you guys,

but I'm a type of person that I have Sunday blues, Mondays, I'm not going into work, like I'm hung

over. So I remember calling my boss and my boss telling me, you know what, Kathy, you can't do

this. Like you're the operations manager. Like you're, you have to set an example for the rest

of the crew. Like you can't do this. He's like, the only way that I'm accepting this is because I'm

an accepted to come back into work is if you have a doctor's note. So Oscar's driving. And like,

he's holding my hair because I'm throwing up. And I've had alcohol poisoning many times where I

didn't go to the hospital. And I could have died. You know, I didn't know that until now. And I was

like, Okay, oh my gosh, we're taking to the hospital and go to the ER. And then when I went

there, you know, the nurse told me, you know, she asked how much I drank. And I told her, Oh,

I didn't drink that much. I'm like, I had what 11 beers and six shots. Like I was that's, that's

fine. Right? And she's like, you know,

are your you know, is anyone in your family alcoholic? And you know, I started bawling. I'm

like my dad and my older brother. And you know, I didn't say anything about me. But I just felt like

this is why I am the way that I am. Yeah. So you know, God kept giving me little clues, like little

clues here and there. And then finally, you know, people stopped hanging out with me. You know,

the shows weren't as fun enough. I was trying to look for you know, the next party and I still

wasn't getting that high. I just I couldn't like, I didn't know what was going on. Like I knew I

wanted more in life. And I wanted to be successful. And I wanted to be successful. And I wanted to be

successful. But I couldn't get myself to do it. Finally, I moved out, got a place with my

boyfriend at that time. And I wanted to change my life. You know, I wanted the purity I had when I

was a kid, you know, I wanted to invite the parents over the house and let me treat them to lunch. So

I had these plans with my parents to have them come over and I was looking for spiritual practice

as well. So the next day I had also I had to attend some it was a Buddhist meeting and I was

going to have lunch at my house for my parents to come over.

And that night was the night that I went out with my cousin, my, my girl cousin, my boyfriend and my

brother. And that was the first time I said I wasn't going to drink. Like I have done that

couple times I you know, I never watch what I drink. I was gonna drink whatever I want whenever

I wanted. I drink to lose control. So I wasn't trying to control my drinking. That's that was

insane. Like no, this is why I drink but that last it was a one or two times before that. But this

was like really clear. I said I wasn't going to drink. I show up.

They asked if I want a shot. I say no, because I'm not going to drink. Then they asked me again,

they asked me the third time I said, Okay, fine, just one shot. What's going to happen? Everything's

fine. I took the shot. All of a sudden, I'm taking the second shot. And then I'm taking the third

shot. We end up in the car. My cousin looks at me, I look at her and her face just changes because

she noticed that my face has totally rearranged itself, right? Like, we know it's going to be one

of those nights. And the next morning, I wake up, you know, and this random guy had come over,

I had let him come over to hang out with my cousin because he had a gallon of

a handle vodka. And of course, you know, he's a stranger. But if you have liquor,

you're more than welcome to come over my house, like, of course. So this guy leaves,

I wake up in the morning, I didn't make it to my Buddhist meeting, I had to call and counsel on my

parents. And having that remorse, like, dude, I did it again. Like, I keep canceling and keep

having these goals, these, these things I want to do. And I just don't know how to, I don't know

how to, you know, live my life. Like, I don't know how to do this. And, you know, there, there were

little, you know, signs, like, a few cousins being like, Oh, you're like a father, you know,

or, you know, you drink a lot. I'm like, you know what, I know I'm an alcoholic. Like, that was

something that I had admitted a long time ago. And I was okay with I love to drink. And I could

not see myself not drinking. But this remorseful feeling that I had was just like, the way that I

was treating myself, and I got violent, a couple of I'm a violent person. Like when I drink,

that's what really scared me. Because I'm like, what am I going to do? Like, I was scared that

I was going to hurt myself or hurt someone else. And that day, I looked at myself, and I was like,

online, like how to get sober. And I said to write down your date, right. And I didn't know

much about Alcoholics Anonymous. Like I knew about AA, like in TV, but I was just like, I didn't

think that I needed that for some reason. But I did look up, you know, how to get sober. So it

told me to write my name, I wrote down, I mean, the day I wrote down my date. And then I, for some

reason, the obsession to drink was lifted for me. Like it was that that day was lifted that first

year, you know, I became a Buddhist. So I practiced that for a whole year. And I didn't go to AA

the second year, I went to another 12 step program in for outside issues. And it was great,

I thought because this place also had the AA book, Alcoholics Anonymous book, the big book. So I

thought to myself, I get to do two in one, like, I love that. Right. So I'm doing this thing. And

I'm trying to fix myself two and a half years of going to every single 12 step program you can

think of. I mean, I even wanted to come up with the 12 step program. It was so bad. You know,

and, you know, because I'm a winner, right? I'm a winner. And I'm gonna fix this. And I'm gonna get

it done. And no, there's no way I'm gonna go to an AA meeting because alcoholics are crazy. How do

I know that? Because I'm an alcoholic. You know, my dad was an alcoholic. If I go in there, I'm

gonna fight and I don't want to fight, right? My dad was at that point dying from alcoholism. And

when he was in that, you know, process of dying, I joined Al-Anon. And my sponsor was a double winner.

And she asked me, Kathy, have you identified as an

alcoholic? Why don't you go to AA? And I didn't have a response for her. And she told me, you know

what, I think it's because of your dad. And I started crying. And I was like, you're right. So

she told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did that. And that was in. So I got sober 2015. I kept

my time. So when this happened, this was about 2017. So I was about two and a half years sober.

And I didn't know what was going on. What was going on is I had untreated alcoholism. I stopped

drinking. Like for me, that was the easy part. But the living was, it was horrible. Like I was alone.

I was alone. It was easy to stay sober, living in my own place with my boyfriend and, you know,

doing my thing. But once I started getting out in the world, things just weren't lining up. Like I

just wasn't feeling it was I was, yeah, I was really irritable, discontent, everything you can

think of. And I started going to these AA meetings. And I went to the Friday night Magnolia Park Steps

and Traditions meeting out here in Burbank Friday nights at seven o'clock. And that is where I met

my sponsor at that time, Joby W.

And at that time, I did have another sponsor. But you know me, I just, if I see something better,

I'm going to go with that. And you know, who do I think I am, right to think that. And so anyway,

so I let go of the sponsor that I had, I went with, you know, Joby, and I just took off from

there. I had committed meetings, my home group was Pacific Group. And then I, my life started

changing, my life started changing. You know, I did my steps, I was ready, I was ready to do my

fourth step, because they imagine two and a half years of all the remorse, and I was like, I'm going

to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like,

I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And

all the crap I had done was literally going through my head. And I needed to put it down. Like, I

don't want to, I don't want to deal with this. I always forget this part of my story that when I

had stopped drinking, when I had made that decision to stop, I believe that I had PTSD,

because I and I feel like I had a nervous breakdown, because I kept thinking of I kept

having flashbacks about my childhood. So I think a lot of my trauma came back. And at the same time,

my alcoholism kicked in hard. And, you know, and my dad was dying. So I was just like, what is

going on? And when I had joined AA, my dad had already passed. He passed away in 2017. And,

you know, I took off, I took off, then God, God had a plan for me. And 10 years, what,

nine years later, here I am, you know, nine years of being an Alcoholics Anonymous has

totally saved my life. You know, it's not the act of stopping, you know, stop drinking and stop

smoking pot. You know, I bring a pot because at times, I didn't think I had a problem, because I

just drink over the weekends, right, a binge drinker, but I was high every single day, I could

not be in my own skin, like a normal person, I couldn't. So that's why I bring it up. Because I

know that if I didn't have pot, maybe I would have been an everyday drinker, right. And I owe my life

to Alcoholics Anonymous, it has opened a lot of doors for me, you know, I, you know, I got

commitments. And that is what really got me in the middle is having these service commitments,

because since I was so shy, really, what it was self centered, and fear, right, that I had,

in me was that it allowed me to get to know people, but it allowed me to let others get to

know me. And, and everyone was so loving and kind. And, and it was great, you know, and I just started

just, you know, just like, in a way, like in a succeeding and Alcoholics Anonymous, right. And

not everything was perfect. But you know, I was able to be like, now, like, I'm a better daughter,

I'm a better sister, you know, I'm a better wife, you know, with that guy that stood by me,

we got married last January. So yesterday, we celebrated six months, we've been together,

for 15 years. I mean, he was 19. And I was 24 years old, right. So it's been a very long time

that this guy stuck with me. And we were engaged for seven years. And surprise, surprise, my

boyfriend, husband now, he's an alcoholic, right? I thought he was he needed Al-Anon because of me

and because of his family stuff. And I'm here trying to fix him. And sure enough, you know,

we go to group, I mean, to couples therapy, and we find out he's an alcoholic. So he gets

sentenced to Alcoholics Anonymous. So I show him the room, and he's like, I'm going to go to the

robes. And then, you know, we waited about five years, he is actually going to come, he's gonna

be five years in September, he's gonna celebrate five years of sobriety. And I got it, I got a

sober home. Like, that's what I wanted the whole time I was, it was hard for me, because my life

was changing. And even though he was such a great guy, I was just, I didn't know, you know, I didn't

know what that was gonna look like. And even though for me, he only got drunk, like five times out of

the year, he would get drunk the way I got drunk. So a lot of it was I felt like payback. And I was

like, man, like,

this is how it was like, I don't know how he did it. I know that I'm not going to do it. So I got

a lot of guidance and to just look at my own plate, focus on my recovery, and then God intervened,

right. And now we have this sober home, you know, we're married. And any way that we can be of

service, we are, you know, and, and I get to share this with him, right. And it's amazing. And, you

know, AA has, like I said, opened a lot of doors for me where, you know, I don't have that obsession

to drink. Like, I know I'm an alcoholic, I know that if I were to pick up a drink, I would drink

up, I would take off exactly from where I ended. There's, there's no doubt in my mind, like the

first step I had taken it a long time ago. But there's things where like, with my higher power

that keeps evolving, right. And I treat my morning routine, like a very sacred thing that I have to

do every morning. And I see how, you know, it changes my life. If I spend time with God, and I

spend time, you know, in this quiet time to just reflect, it helps me be a better person, right?

It helps me be a better member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, you know, I'm glad like, I don't regret my journey. You know, like I said, the second year

of my sobriety, I was in another 12 step program, but they were strict. Like you have to read the

AA book, like I had to read two pages every single night before I went to bed, I had to do 30 minutes

of meditation before I called my sponsor. So this was my second year of sobriety, right. And, and if

I didn't do those things, my sponsor would fire me, like it was really strict. And so for me,

that is why I kept my time because I did, you know, I had my sponsor,

that took me on told me, you know, you really need to think about if you want to keep your time

or not. And I'm like, you know, and it's between you and God, and God knew how much I wanted this

God knew that I worked my butt off to get this right. And, you know, it's, you know, he's the

only one that I need to, you know, prove it to pretty much. And God has has been with me this

whole time. So that was a little girl, like my whole journey, he was with me. And it took me way,

you know, different paths to find him. No, I'm not I don't want to go to church. I'm going to be a

Buddhist. No, I'm not going to get on my knees, I'm gonna, you know, cross my legs and meditate.

And God, it has a great sense of humor. My God has a great sense of humor, like you are so stubborn,

but you're gonna find a way to get to me. And I did. And now my higher power is the same higher

power I had when I was a little girl. You know, it's, it's more of a spiritual connection that I

have. And, and I'm so open of what that's going to look like in the future, whether I continue

Catholicism, like, you know, as we have in our family, I don't know, I don't know. But I'm open

to it. Right. And yeah, and it's just like, every day, you know, God keeps showing me that he's

there, I just need to get out of the way. It's what I've been noticing now. And you know, now,

like 11 years later, there's a lot of things that have come up, you know, like it says in the big

book, Alcoholics Anonymous is there to treat our alcoholism. But sometimes we need to look for

outside help. And I still disagree. I'm so stubborn. I'm still like, nope, it will fix

everything. Like, I don't care what you do. Good for you.

Super hypocritical, super critical, judgmental. And, you know, I hit my knees again in sobriety

about 10 years, I think seven, eight and nine. No, yeah, nine. Yeah, nine, 10. Yeah, eight,

nine and 10 was hard for me. And I realized that a lot of the stuff I experienced as a child

came back again. And realizing that I grew up in an alcoholic home, and then my father was an

alcoholic brought an other set of problems. So I just joined the sister program about two months

ago. And for that, I'm eternally grateful to God. And I'm so grateful to God. And I'm so grateful to

I mean, I went there before I even started AA, right? I just didn't want to see it. And I'm

getting outside help for health or trauma, which, you know, was really hard for me to kind of accept

and also be able to share my story, because it's the first time I share that. And I'm in a different

place in my recovery right now. And I'm taking it all in. And you know, and it's for me, I wouldn't

have these things, these doors wouldn't be opening, if I was not an Alcoholics Anonymous. So

do I owe my life to Alcoholics Anonymous? You know, you bet your ass I do like, hell yeah, I do. Like

it has saved me every single day of my life, right? And and it's allowing me to be able to help other

people. That is what keeps me going, right? And I'll wrap up have one minute that this is the best

deal in town. Like if I help somebody else, my life gets better. You know, the problem was that

I was helping too much. And I wasn't taking care of myself. And I was really hard for me to identify.

But anyways, but there's still there's

a balance. And I know that if I don't pass this on to someone else, then I can't keep my sobriety.

So everything that I'm learning everything that you've taught me and how to present myself as a

woman, how to present myself as a woman and Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm able to share that

with other people with women with men, you know, and with my family, like if I can just tell you,

like what really urged me to do all of this, which one should be for me for my own life,

but it's for my family, you know, alcoholism is strong in my family right now. And it's we present

so well that you can't tell. But behind the scenes in our homes, it's pretty bad. So I am grateful

that I don't have to live that life that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me a new life and that I'm here

on a Saturday night speaking for you. So thank you so much.