Finding Faith Through Service: Cynthia's Journey

Hello, my name is Cynthia and I'm an alcoholic and thank you for asking me to be here and

participate in my recovery.

It's always an honor and a pleasure because that's something that was instilled in me

early in my recovery that I show up if I'm available and that's been my experience and

that's probably the one thing that I have done right about my whole recovery, honestly.

If I'm available, I'm here and it's always in perfect timing as well, usually.

So just to talk about the day I'm in, for the most part, I had an amazing day, you know,

because AA has given me an amazing life and I get to be off on the weekends and today

I just had the day to chill, but it was such a heavy week because it was like the first

anniversary of my best friend passing away on Thursday and so like, I know, we were kind

of talking about it, me and Nancy, like we know like sometimes these engagements come

up because like for me, my understanding is God's doing for me what I cannot do for myself

and so God has made sure that I'm in a meeting every week being of service.

Yes, I have my commitments, right, but you know, to go out and to share my experience,

strength, and hope, it's God's way of making me not hide myself because me as an alcoholic

I want to hide when I don't feel good and yeah, so just to share that, but yeah, just

a little bit, you know, just what it was like, right, like I succumbed to this disease really,

really young.

I grew up, you know, my mom was 17 years old when she had me and she was doing the best

she could, right, and you know, I can remember going to kickbacks and doing the little thing

until she found the one and the one just so happened not to like me because I wasn't his

daughter, right?

And so he's still in the picture, right, we've made our amends but it created a lot of chaos

so I grew up in a lot of chaos and instability, there was a lot of fighting, there was, you

know, a lot of like just leave him alone, don't say anything and to put into perspective

the kind of kid I was, I would be like, why am I doing your laundry if you don't have

a job and you're home all day?

See, these are the types of things that would make this man upset and then, you know, later

on as I grew up, I realized he also had a problem too.

Some type of stimulant, you know, but that ended at some point but, you know, so it was

me and my mom and then it was me and my mom and someone else and when someone else came

into the picture, I started to feel pushed off to the side because when I'm young, I

don't understand, you know, necessarily what like being unloved is but I definitely felt

unwanted and uncared for, right?

And so, you know, I get my siblings and, you know, like everything's, you know, the relationship

is still a little bit rocky and we move into an area.

That's not so good.

By not so good, you have the ghetto bird, you know, flying through the apartment buildings

every night and for those of you who do not know what the ghetto bird is, it's the police

helicopter, right?

And they flash your lights through the windows and, you know, because they're chasing whoever

they're chasing, right?

So, yeah, the area I lived in was highly gang impacted, highly drug impacted and, you know,

again, my mom was doing the best she could, right?

Because, again, she was the stable one.

She was not the one losing her job.

Frequently.

And she had kids to tend to.

And then at some point, you know, like the age of 11 or 12, my mom's best advice was,

hey, just don't talk to him, right?

And so, so that's the messaging that I grew up with, right?

We were living in a one-bedroom apartment.

So, it was me, my mom, my stepdad, and I think at the time it was like two younger siblings,

right?

So, to not talk to someone in a one-bedroom apartment, that's pretty isolating, you know?

And so, I hung out a lot with the kids in my buildings.

And, you know, I would get everything done and then I would just hang out.

And eventually, I mean, like I said, the neighborhood was not so good.

So, I got exposed to lots of different things.

And so, by the time I was 12, I started to rebel, which I think you're like in barely

starting middle school.

So, yeah, like I had, you know, tried alcohol.

I had tried other things, right?

And so, I'm like dabbling.

I'm dabbling in these things.

And illicit substances are readily accessible because we have someone in the building that

that's their get down.

Right?

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

That's what they sell.

Right?

And so, at some point, you know, I'm no longer listening.

I'm just disappearing.

And, you know, I'm kind of running amok.

Right?

And then I end up like, I don't know, I end up with a probation officer somehow.

I can't recall how.

I don't know what I did.

Right?

But this probation officer thought I had a problem.

Thought I had a problem and he sent me to a treatment center.

Right?

So, that was my first exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 14.

So, at this point, I'm in the 8th grade and it's probably like towards the end of my life.

Towards the end of the 8th grade.

And I'm like, what is this?

Like, you know, I'm literally in a treatment center in like some, it's probably like Santa

Paula or Philmar.

There's strawberry fields.

That I do remember.

So, it was really hard to run away from.

But I'm a very resourceful alcoholic and I managed to pull it off.

So, I pulled it off.

I hid it.

You know, I left that treatment center.

But I did.

It registered.

Right?

The seed was planted.

That there is help if I want it.

Right?

That there are people that are not doing.

A bunch of things.

But at the time, I had no idea that this disease had a hold of me.

Right?

So, I managed to AWOL from this place.

You know, and it was, you know, before I finished the 8th grade, which I probably wasn't going

to technically culminate or whatever.

But I just stopped going.

I disappeared for a few months.

And so, that's the nature of my disease.

I'm running and gunning.

Right?

And at some point, it does get bad.

I have different moments where it gets really, really bad.

I know when I was 15.

I had such a horrible experience.

Along the lines of being kept under, you know, what is it?

Kept against my will.

Sorry.

Being kept against my will in some very sketchy situation.

And, but for the grace of God, I was able to get away.

Like, for the most part, unscathed.

Right?

And so, what do I do as an alcoholic?

I just go further and further into oblivion.

Right?

I remember, like, having little moments where I came to and I was with one of my friends.

And I was just, like, just dazed and confused.

Right?

So, that's how I operate.

Right?

Like, I already learned early on that this was my solution.

But I can't say that by 15, I understood I had a problem.

I, now looking back, I know the disease had me by the time I was 14.

But at 15, still, like a true alcoholic, I couldn't comprehend.

Because any normal person, if you're in a situation that's threatening your life, whether

you're, you know, a teenager or an adult, like, you'd be like, oh, maybe I'd stop.

Maybe I should stop.

Maybe this is dangerous.

Right?

But, no, that did not register for me to register to go harder, faster, stronger, whatever.

And so, you know, I was starting to get really tired.

And I also had a best friend.

Right?

I had this best friend.

We met in an 8th grade honor science class.

And she succumbed to, you know, I succumbed to the disease faster.

So, there was a point in time where she was like, you need to stop.

Like, this is not for you.

You can have a future ahead of you.

And, like, me being an alcoholic.

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Like, they don't, they mean something, but I can't do anything about it.

Right?

It's like, I mean well, but I can't do well.

Right?

Just like with my family.

You know, they were, they were devastated.

They for sure thought I was going to die.

They lived as if I was going to die.

And so, my alcoholic thinking, to the best of my ability, I would try to stay away.

Because in my mind, I was like, if I'm going to die, I don't want to be around them.

and this is this is the kid of this is a warped mind of a teenager right our big book tells us

that women succumb to this disease faster and then you add the component of a teenager

it can get really bad really fast um but yeah so like at some point I just started to

accept my fate I was like oh okay this is how I'm going to die and I was okay with it I really was

I was like okay so I'm going to die in this way and there's no there's no um it was my means to

an end and so you know obviously all the horrible experiences that came time and time again you

know it was okay because that's actually what served me it helped me brush it off because I

knew that there was an end right I knew there was going to be an end and in a way it was like my

protective mechanism right I didn't have time to be afraid because that would put me in more harm

I didn't have time to you know dwell on on any pain because that would just not serve me right I

was

I was being controlled by this disease right because it is it is a disease right I was I was

the cheat I was the mouse chasing the cheese on that little wheel that's what I was and I was I

was starting to get really really tired um and so I would have these little moments of like I want

to get help I want to stop because that seed was planted at 14 right and I remember you know I would

try to stop and I would come either to my mom's house or I would come to my grandma's house and

be like I need to stop like I want to stop I like I mean well I mean well and I mean well and I'm

like let me get rid of all my needles let me get rid of all these things right and I so badly I

want to stop and then I get there and I you know I kind of dry out I'm really sick and like the

first two days are the worst and by the by the third day I'm a little bit better and that that

disease mind comes into play and I'm like I need to stop I need to stop I need to stop I need to

play the obsession starts to keep kick up again it says no but you don't really want this you know

and so that's that's the cycle that I was in I'm really grateful that my mom would always sign me

up into school every time I wanted to stop I'd be like mom sign me into school so I enrolled in all

these schools in the valley I went to Cleveland, John Wooden, Reseda, Zangre, Birmingham, Options

for Youth, Opportunities for Learning, all the ones over there like literally I've been

enrolled in all these schools right because that was what she knew that was that was all she knew she

could do you know and so like I am really appreciative that she did what she could

right um and so I just continued this cycle and then I started going into treatment centers on

my own I think my first treatment center was when I was 17 and again like I wanted to stop

I meant well it's just this disease is powerful and so it just continued so I you know in my

active alcoholism I was like I need to stop I need to stop I need to stop I need to stop I need to

right I had been knocked out choked out pushed out of a moving vehicle uh been the literal jaywalker

you know like they closed the road down thought I was gonna die overdosed many many many times

and woken up to paramedics being like you should be dead or doctors saying you should be dead and

been institutionalized 5150 because you know if you overdose and they're like oh you're clearly

a danger to yourself like no no no I'm not you know and I would still try to convince them

otherwise and so at some point you know those big headaches

from coming to I was getting real real tired right and so I just remember towards the the end

right that last year um at this point I'm like 19 no I'm like 20 I'm 20 and now I'm really trying to

just stop like I I know lack of power is my dilemma I am fully aware right I I have no problem

accepting the fact that I'm an alcoholic I have no problem accepting the the fact that my life

is unmanageable right that's not the problem I'm not the problem I'm not the problem I'm not the

problem right um but I had a really hard time accepting the fact that I had a choice in whether

I lived or died right because I was so set on that I was like I'm going to die and I remember when 16

came 17 came 18 came 19 came I was like what is going on what is going on here why are all these

people passing away and I'm still here and um and so towards the end I ended up at a trap house with

that best friend turned first love and she succumbed to the disease the same way I did

like you know I succumbed a lot faster but I was really tired I was really tired and I was like I

can't be here anymore I'm gonna go get help and I remember we had the biggest fight ever and we were

at a trap house and so all the people in the the trap house are trying to stop us from fighting

because we don't want to bring attention and so like you know it was serious when all the other

people there are trying to stop you right when they're like wait hold up and and the fight went

a little something like this she's like you know I was like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die

I want to go get help and she's like no you're weak how dare you how could you leave me right

and like that's how we ended it and in that moment I knew I wasn't weak right in that moment I

definitely knew I wasn't weak I just knew I couldn't keep living this way and so I went to

a treatment again right I went to a woman's treatment in Pasadena and you know I did their

treatment I went into their sober living and I probably had the most time I had ever had which

was probably like four months right it was four months sober and I was like I'm gonna die I'm gonna

die and I was like in it in the program had a sponsor was doing whatever it was and I remember

some of the girls and us had an outing at Santa Monica Beach and everything was great and then

my mind just said no I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to do this anymore and I

literally went to my sober living and I told my sober living manager hey I'm I'm leaving I'm done

with this life right before I ever before I ever took a drink right I'm done and they're like what

are you talking about I was like no I don't want to come back here loaded I'm leaving right I'm

so like you know like the disease was so powerful and so there I went on another run and in that run

is when that best friend died and and I and that was what what ended up bringing me to my knees

right because at the end I had a mutually beneficial relationship with someone that

knew I wasn't gonna rob him he knew I wasn't gonna rob him I knew he wasn't gonna hurt me

and we had an infinite supply of anything and everything we wanted right and and despite having

anything and everything I wanted right it didn't take away from me it didn't take away from me

the pain right my medicine had clearly stopped working a long time ago but it became real apparent

after that because I was hurting I was in a world of hurt and I was it was an insane amount of

things that I was doing and it just wasn't going away and I remember I OD'd one last time and um

and I came to and my head was throbbing and I have this man he's standing there crying because

he thought I was gonna die right and he's like scary and tatted and everything you know but he's

out and I'm like what like what can you just give me what I need give me my medicine right because

at that point I know that's all I want and he was like no I thought you were going to die and I just

remember just like having this moment of defeat it's like I don't like I I don't know if I thought

I wasn't gonna die but I just had this moment of defeat and I walked over to this park it was over

there on um Devonshire and like I don't know I think it's Arlita whatever street that turns into

I walked over there and it was just in time to catch this

and I just remember I'm so tired I'm so tired right like I I had you know I understood that

there was Alcoholics Anonymous I understood that there was a solution right and I understood that

it was the last house on the block but I also you know was living under the delusion that I

I could dictate my life right I could dictate the fact that I would die from this disease and I

wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore and so I was really tired and I just remember

I posted something just saying I'm tired and then I had already developed relationships with women

in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous right um and I'm so grateful for the women of Alcoholics

Anonymous um and they and someone someone responded and they came and they drove out

an hour out they were an hour away from me and then they drove an hour in another direction to

draw me off in a detox one more time right and and I did I did detox and then one more time real

quick I tried to change my mind because I'm a true alcoholic and I was like no I'm not going to do that

no I don't want this anymore um and then I think I got stopped by the cops and I was like oh I was

gonna go to treatment or some something like that right I always managed to get myself you know out

of trouble with the with law enforcement somehow some way um my friends were not so lucky um but

but I I ended up at a Christian woman's program and it was free right because it was the last

house for me essentially on the block uh it was a Christian woman's facility in Pasadena and all we

did was read the bible go to church do door-to-door fundraising and they did not allow us to do AA

or NA any of that stuff it was strictly the bible and at that point I was just done because what

this place offered me was a safe place to sleep they gave me food they gave me water and clothing

right these are all things that I had been without really for a long time um and you know

I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just

I just had a place to be still the program itself was a year long I did not stay a year

um but I stayed for six months right I stayed for six months because because I was just done

I was done running the show like I was in this place of complete defeat and I knew that I just

needed a place to be still I had many experiences in which which you know I had tried to stop on my

own but I you know and obviously I failed so I knew that I needed to just be someone

somewhere that was not with you know like that was not running on Cynthia's power right because

obviously Cynthia's power was not it and so I did I did whatever was asked of me to the best of my

ability except for you know having girlfriends because I was highly not acceptable there right

because they don't believe in that uh you know and so I was there I was there for a whole six

months and when I ended up leaving it wasn't that I left on good terms I was literally upset that

they couldn't leave me I was like I'm not gonna leave you I'm not gonna leave you I'm not gonna

my little girlfriends right and they weren't punishing me um um and and you know I have my

ideas right because it is a non-profit and I was the biggest fundraiser like I knew I knew why

they were keeping me and um I made the most money right um but I remember as I was leaving these

women like they they're not nuns I don't know what to call them I really need to look it up

but um they were like you're not gonna make it you're not gonna go to school you're you know

wishing I think they wished everything but death on me because they knew I wanted that right and so

they just said horrible things and I remember just knowing like these are these are not my people

right and then there was one lady that also like lived worked there and she's like um I guess I

need a backtrack because they thought I wasn't going to enter into the kingdom of heaven and

they would tell me because I like women right they would straight up tell me that but at the time it

didn't matter and and the reason it's also important to say that it just goes to show

how done I truly was right because I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like

I was I was so done that it didn't matter if you had beliefs that hated me right like I was I was

just defeated and I was like like the big book says I was beaten into a state of reasonableness

and the state of reasonableness was that I just needed a safe space to dry out and to be right

and um and then when I was leaving that one lady that that was good to me and kind of like gave me

permission to continue on with my life she was like hey like you know like you know basically

what they're saying but also don't let them don't how did she say she said don't basically don't

believe like don't let them decide who your god is you know like don't like she basically gave me

permission I don't know why I can't think of the word but she basically gave me permission to be

like no their god isn't the right god your god is is unique to you right and it's kind of like how

our big book says or in bill's story talks about like having your own conception right so basically

permission like yeah and they I know they go by this this whatever order but like that's not

the reality like your god can be whoever you want to be and I'm so grateful that I did have that

experience as I was walking out as another woman from Alcoholics Anonymous was picking me up

because again I had made those relationships right and so I got picked up uh you know from that home

and and and then you know I I was still in a world of pain honestly right like I had a lot of guilt

the wrong person had died right and that was that was what how I felt the wrong person had died

right I had obviously gone through a world of trauma du jour right so I was very raw and um

honestly I wanted to die I wanted to hurt myself like I was extremely suicidal like up until my

first year sober somewhere between year one and year two finally the thought of like I want to die

went away so I by no means did I have a pink cloud right and

and so yeah like I came into the rooms with a lot of guilt but I had women I had a a home group and

they surrounded me right you know they're like take this commitment I said okay like I just needed

to be told what to do because at that point I just I I couldn't I couldn't do anything else and I'm so

grateful that they were there for me right because I had never had a life that was worth living right

I stopped going to school in the eighth grade and I only earned three classes worth of high school

credits that's not even a full semester of work right so I just needed to be told what to do and I

of high school right um and and I just remember having so much like guilt and I had this small

moment because I I was in a world of pain I was in this emotional turmoil and I had this small

moment where I heard hey that was the best thing that I could do for her and I remember in that

moment I felt so much peace you know like I was literally living in a world of calamity

right and I had experienced so much peace that I couldn't do anything else right and I had

I knew that I did not produce that you know like that was again me knowing that I could be restored

to sanity right and it wasn't by the power of Cynthia wasn't by the power of my sponsor or

another human being that that was literally the a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity

doing for me what I cannot do for myself right and so I had such a a great step two experience

and that is something that has propelled me throughout my whole recovery honestly because

things get tough and me as an alcoholic right like I'm naturally defiant my today in the day I'm in

I'm defiant um my alcoholism looks like I want to kick it in la la land and pretend problems don't

exist I want to paint them red flags green um you know like I want right I want to do things that

feel good that serve me um I don't necessarily step on the toes of my fellows anymore but

sometimes I do it to my co-workers right um

so every now and then I do it to my mom right because that wound is still there

right but I forgot where I was going with it anyways I'm an alcoholic that's the point we're

all alcoholics and so you know when when I start to feel like my life is unmanageable or when I

start to to be uh overcome by the insanity of my disease in the day that I'm in right I need to go

back and I need to look for those big godshot moments those big godshot moments and I need to

look for those big moments of being restored to sanity because that's what I find that helps me

helps ground me helps me remember that I'm just another old little small alcoholic out in this

world right because so badly I always try to play god right I'm you know like like saying like I

should have died right I that was me playing god saying like she should have lived that was me

playing god right but when I can set that aside and just be present for the life and the day that

I'm in right my life is so much easier than it used to be right I'm just like I'm just like I'm

easier um it just takes a lot of practice and I will say in early recovery it took a lot of it took

it took a lot of work it took a lot of effort uh you know I found a sponsor that she had what I

wanted and when I say she had what I wanted it wasn't about the materialistic things it was about

that inner peace right I could see that you know there was a genuine light in her eyes you know

like she was handling situations with ease and again like I came in here so hopeless so

desperate and just you know just so raw right and and so I started to have an experience with the

steps right I started to like uncover discover and discard and you know um having done the multiple

having done the steps multiple times now um that first one was real easy looking back right it was

hard then it was hard then right but it was just me being willing to show up for myself and to

align my will with god's will and to show up for myself and to align my will with god's will and to

being being willing to uh remove the things that are blocking me from this power because that's what

it is right like these these things that I hold on to they always block me from being present being

here in the in the day that I'm in and and when I can be fully present you know it's just so much

better honestly it is so much better and like when I can sit here and be present for my grief that

shows up let me just show you like some cool things god does right in my life so not too long

ago my friends passed away from this disease right uh she had slowly started to remove herself which

you know whatever that's what we do right when we're sick we don't want to be around others

and then she ended up passing away and at the time I was working out my resentments and I actually

had caught in a resentment against my sponsor for the way she showed up for me for uh the way in

which she showed up for me when my friend Adira died and when my friend Alicia died right and

and you know like I worked it out I got to work it out and I and I felt like I had gotten the right

and I used a different fellow because not all things need to go to my sponsor, especially if

it's a resentment against my sponsor, right? And I got some relief. And then the next day,

then we found out that another one of our friends passed away from this disease, right? And had I

not cleared that, like it was just divine timing. Had that not been cleared, like it probably would

have been, you know, a lot, a lot harder to be able to navigate that. Another example was literally

on Thursday, right? I remember just, you know, like in anticipation of the anniversary, right?

Like the grief was seeping, it was coming out. And I'm so grateful for the women and the men

of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA has given me, you know, a grandpa and I love him and I adore him.

And, you know, he shares from the podium and he says, you know, you lean into the grief. When it

comes, you lean in. It's going to hurt like hell for 20 minutes, but then it will pass.

Right? And so I've just been hearing his voice. And so I've been leaning into the grief and then

it passes just like anything and everything, right? Like the one thing that's constant in our life as

a human being is change. So all the good passes, all the bad passes. It's just the good old

alcoholic me that wants to hold on and keep it the same, however uncomfortable it is, right? But

again, that's my self-will problem. And so I've been having that experience. And so Thursday came,

I also cried a little.

That day. And then by the time I went to the women's meeting at San Fernando, like I was

chilling. I was good. Right. And I was like, oh, do I really need to go? Do I really need to go to

this meeting? Right. And I was like contemplating and I was like, okay, fine. I'm going to go. And

then I ended up going and I was like, it was cool. Right. I saw some women that I adore. Everything

was good. And then the leader led. And then the topic that they chose was grief. And I was like,

what the hell?

What's going on in here? Right. And it's just like, and it was such a good meeting. Right. And

at that point in time, like I was, I was okay. You know, like there was a lot of people that

actually weren't okay. And I was able to be of service and provide comfort to those that were

not okay with that topic. You know, like after the fact, right? Like this is God doing for me

what I cannot do for myself because I can't show up for others. Me of my own power. I just can't.

Right. And so, you know, I just get to be present. I get to participate.

I get to participate in my recovery in the day I'm in. I'm not always perfect. I'm not always

walking, you know, with principles. Like there's times when I know I'm going to say something

that's going to piss off my coworker and I do it anyway. Right. I will say I do it less.

And I will say the practical application is I do pray for them. I'm like, oh, they're pushing me

on. You know, like, let me pray for them. Bless them. Right. Right. Because that's a matter of

just like, do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it.

I have to pray for them. I just have to because I want them to be good. And then I don't know

whatever the result is, is none of my business. That's the truth. Right. Because again, like I'm

not in the results business. Right. I'm in the efforts business. And that is something that has

been instilled into me. Right. I just I just continue to show up and and try to be a part of

and and try to be grateful, you know, even when I'm not, especially when I'm not, especially when

I don't want to show up. I come and I show up. But of course, I always, you know, try to get my way

out of it. But for the most part, I always show up. So that's all I got. Thank you. Do I read?

Okay.