From Trouble to Sobriety: Clarence's Journey

My name is Clarence, and I'm an alcoholic. I suffer from a disease called alcoholism, which centers in my mind, and I'm allergic to the alcohol.

My sobriety date is August 1st of 84. That means I have 42 years. I just celebrated, and it's just the grace of God is the only thing.

First of all, I'd like to give God all, you know, say thank you to God because, you know, for His grace that He showed me here.

And I want to also say thank you to my parents for the tough love they gave me.

And I'd like to thank my wife because when I get a little bit rambunctious, she's one of those that'll tell me, go to a meeting, you know.

And, well, the way it started, I come from a small town, Lompoc, California. I was born and raised there.

My father was a reserve policeman. That's the reason why I don't have a bad folder today.

And my mother was a nurse, so they were kind of like pillars of the community.

And, you know, and I was just a typical kid, you know, where I would go and do and everything.

But, you know, I got in a lot of trouble and stuff, you know, I burglarized a house and I got in trouble.

And, you know, and then it got to the point where the people in Lompoc, the parents wouldn't let me date their daughters because my name went before me.

I had a name in the town. I did a geographic.

I graduated midterm.

I graduated midterm.

I graduated out of high school and I joined the Navy.

The funny thing is I took myself with me, you know, and I had full intentions of staying there for 20 years and retiring at 38 and I could become a surf bum.

But after four years, they were hot on my trail.

And, you know, they don't like me slushing money.

They don't like me slinging dope and they don't like me, you know, black marketing stuff in some of the ports we went into, you know.

But I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed the Navy.

The camaraderie of everybody in our shop and everything, I really enjoyed it.

I hung out with my crowd that I knew the best, you know, and I just, I just, you know, and then I got married to my high school sweetheart and I felt sorry for her because she didn't know what she was getting into because I was in San Diego and I'd go to Fresno and I could behave myself for a couple of days.

Then I'd shoot back to San Diego and I'd do what I knew best, you know.

It took one year for her to.

Finally figure out that, no, you need to go, you know, and I, I asked my parents to come back, you know, and my father, my father was like, if you come back, there's going to be some rules.

And I was like, okay, what is your rules?

And he says, no drinking and driving.

One rule, you know, and I kind of, I kind of, I kind of think of it like Adam and Eve, you know, one rule, don't eat the apple, you know, and it was one of those things.

And I said, okay, I could do it.

And he gave me free reign because I had a back house.

He says, whatever you want to do, do it in the back house.

I don't care what you do.

Just don't, you know, and for some reason, some reason I had to go into the main house and then announce myself after a good night out, you know.

Oh, was it a, oh, it was, it was on my first.

It was my, my mom came over and she started screaming and yelling at me in the house and my, the neighbors thought she was fighting with the neighbors.

And they found out it was me.

She was using me as a pianta, just beating me and I, and you know, I, I don't dare lift my hand, but what blew me away at that moment was I lost bodily functions and I was trying to figure out why am I my, why my number one, who's banging on my door, why is my bed wet?

And it was summertime.

So I thought, Hey, I think I'm sweaty.

And, and then I, then the whole world, when I was the world, when in the family, you know, they tell us, man, we just go in there and we just tear up stuff.

You know, and, and the next morning I usually had a nice breakfast waiting for me from my father that morning, all that was, there was a cup of coffee and I told myself, you're in for it, be prepared.

And my father sat me down and he says, we need to have a talk.

And he gave me three choices.

Choice number one was to go to a shrink because a mental illness runs in my family.

And he thought I was trying to just balance myself.

But what he didn't understand was alcohol was a solution for me.

It was a solution because I.

Stuff that happened in my, my childhood, I just could not deal with, you know, and I, I, I was like, you know, I, I just, I just didn't like it, you know?

And so it, it helped me shut my mind off because it would talk to me with complete authority stuff that I did prior.

I, it, everything seemed normal.

You know, I, I mean, I, I hung around with the same people and my father used to tell me birds of feather, Clarence birds feather.

And I was like, Oh yeah.

Yeah.

You know, or number two, go to AA, which I was like, Oh man, I don't know about that one because I lived right next to an Al-Anon club.

And I was the little, little, little guy that'll be there drinking his beers in his fort and tossing them over into their parking lot.

The empties, you see, that's, that's, that's the way my mentality was, you know, was, and, or three, I was to pack my bags and split.

And, and when he said that, tears started rolling down his eyes.

Now, my father only cried twice that I know of.

Once when I burglarized that house and there was pens to be paid for that one because I had to take all the crud back to the lady, apologized to her.

And my father told her, if you want to call the police, I'm a hundred percent behind you, or I could take care of the problem.

And in my mind, I was begging her to call the cops.

Please, man.

I knew exactly what was going to go down.

I was in junior high.

And at that time you had a strip down.

And when I stripped down the next day, I had black and blue marks from my shoulder.

Blades all the way down to my calves.

And the PE teacher asked me what happened.

And I was like, oh, I got in trouble, you know, and that, that was the end of it, you know, but I still remember it.

You know, that's the, that's the way my parents tried to raise me, you know, and they, and, and I, I said, you know, I was in such a state of denial at that time that I called up my provider, Facey, at the time.

And I said, yeah, I think I need to go to rehab.

You know, I was going to try the rehab.

And they asked me a simple question.

How much do you drink?

And I said, well, I drink about a six pack a week, you know, and, and, and they, they, she, she kind of fluffed it off saying, well, we don't think you really have a problem, but here's, here's one thing I want you to remember is it's not the amount that you drink, but what happens after you start drinking, your attitude afterwards.

And it was one of those things where I was like, ah, I'm happy.

So I don't know what's wrong with you.

So I go back thinking that I'm, I'm mad.

I'm cool.

You know, I, I tried and they said no.

And well, I forgot to tell you at that time, my mom being a nurse, she was a nurse also for Schick Shadel on the alcohol side.

So now she's asking me questions about, well, what was the woman's name?

Very simple things.

And I, I, I don't know.

Well, we had a conversation and you're most definitely an alcoholic.

And, and, and, and I was like, ah, criminy, you know?

And then my father says, you remember Ronnie B.

And I said, yeah, I remember Ronnie.

Well, I didn't tell him I used to party with the guy all the time and he says he, he's in AA and here's his number.

And that's as far as I'm going to go right there.

No more help.

That's it.

You know, I, I called up Ronnie and I, I, I said, Hey, Ronnie, man, it's Clarence, you know?

And he says, Hey, I hear you're in trouble and he's all chipper and everything.

And I was like, oh, you know, and I, I, I was like, he says, have you drank?

And I said, Ronnie, I'm in so much trouble right at the moment.

I, I, I'm not even going to do it now in my mind, I'm already making a plan.

My plan was Ronnie's going to get teach me how to get everybody off my back and then I could go back out and do what I know how to do.

Well, staunch AA man, old school AA man, first thing, 20 questions, man, he says, answer these as honestly as you can.

And I said, okay.

And I did, it was 15 out of 20 and I thought, oh, that's cool, man.

That's I, I got it, man.

I got a D, you know, is what I was thinking.

And then, and at that time it was on a long form, not like the little folded up one and he ripped off the bottom part, you know, and where I couldn't read everything, you know, and then he gave it to me and I was like, you know, one, you know, one or two, you may want to think about it.

And then came the big one, three or more, you're most definitely an alcoholic, man.

And that one kind of perked me up because it was like, no one, no one told me I was an alcoholic.

I put the check marks in the little boxes and a couple of them were freebies because have you gotten pregnant from drinking?

No, I never got pregnant from drinking, you know, and, but, and what got me was the meeting was going on and he, he, he had the, the leader, hey, why don't you stop and ask if there's any alcoholics?

And, and, and, and they did, do we have any new alcoholics there?

And he looked at me and says, it's up to you now.

And I raised my hand, I raised my hand and.

And, and, and it was off and running, you know, and, you know, then we started going through the steps and stuff, you know, and, and I still have problems with my mind every now and then it's still just because I got time does not relieve my alcoholism.

Like today, Abraham said, professional attire.

Now I'm trying to figure out what is professional attire, you know, but here's the solution is in the promises.

It tells us that we will automatically know I'm, I'm paraphrasing.

Automatically know where to go for a solutions where things that used to baffle us.

So I Googled it, you know, and they said, yes, there's a casual and then there's, there's a suit and tie, you know, and I said, well, I don't know which one they want.

So I'll just get a suit and tie and go, go for it, man.

And that's, that's, that's the way I was taught, you know, and so, so now we're going through and stuff, you know, the steps and I, I wanted to go and try and get another job and stuff.

And like, like yours.

We aren't doing anything.

You stay right where you're at for a year.

And we started going through and I, I, when I first looked at that, none of the step one, we're powerless over alcohols that our lives have become unmanageable, man.

That made so much stinking sense to me that it was like, that's my problem right there, man.

And I'm powerless over this stuff.

I'm also powerless over people, places, and things.

Also, I have a hula hoop, which is four.

Squared.

Four feet.

I put my feet in that hula hoop and only people that could fit in there comfortably is God and myself.

I don't worry about other people's problems today unless it's my wife, my family, or something right in the nucleus of my sobriety, you know, because I used to come up with some, some tells, man.

My father would ask simple questions like, why do you drink like this?

And I, and I'd go with the spiel and, and it was like, you know, oh my God, you know, that's it.

You just shake his head and get out of here, you know, but, um, but my parents were my best allies at that time.

You know, I, I found out that you don't chew gum in front of a parent if you're, if you're, if you're sober newly, because my father would make me spit it out and he would grab me real close and put my face right next to his nose.

And he says, I want you to breathe from your belly.

And I, and I, and I was, I was kind of shocked about that because I was like, don't you trust me?

And he, and I just blurted it out.

And he says, no, I don't.

Non-trust is earned and you haven't earned it yet.

And I was like, oh man.

But when I go through that, you know, with them and I, that was the easiest step I had to take because I looked at my past.

My past is my greatest asset that I have today because I still remember, I still remember a lot of the stuff I did.

You know, I mean, you know, like in the Navy, they would tell you.

Stay out of the rooftops.

I said, okay, I won't be under the rooftop rooftops in Hong Kong, but I'll go over to Kowloon, which is China.

Now we all know what's happening over in China.

And I'd go up there and there'd be a, an opium bin.

That's, that's what it was, man.

And I was, when I first walked in, I was scared because I'm a scaredy cat.

That's one of my things too.

I, I, I, I'm sometimes ran on fear.

I either fight or flight, man.

Those are my things.

And I was right by the door.

Man.

And I was doing my business and stuff and it took one hour for me to go and see the rest of the crew that was there from my ship, you know?

And I was amazed, man.

I was, I was like, man, this is heaven, man, as far as I was concerned.

And that's the way my, my alcoholism was, you know?

And so when I went there, that, that was my first honest thing that I honestly did.

I took, I took that from my heart and put it in my brain.

My inner.

Self, you know, that you are an alcoholic, you know, now, now way back in the back of my mind, I still had reservations because I was like, you know, I'm just getting into this, you know, let's still look at that year plan that you have and stuff, you know, and that, that, that's that honesty, you know?

And, and today I have to be honest with everything, you know, I, I cannot, I can't, you know, Ted and I, I want to thank Ted for coming out also.

He's part of the group that we have.

He's part of our accountability group and, uh, we'll have a meeting before the meetings and we usually have a meeting after the meetings.

That's the way it always was.

And that's what we like, you know, and, uh, we'll talk about stuff.

We get down to some very intimate stuff, him and me, you know, and it's a shared thing, you know?

And, um, so then as I'm going through, you know, you know, I was, uh, I lost that wife and then I, I gone, I was about five years, six years sober.

And I, I thought.

You know, I think I want to get married again.

So I thought, you know, I, I had an arranged marriage basically from my mom.

She picked out the gal and I went with her and, and she, she understood all, I told her about AA and the whole nine yards.

I told her, man, this is what I do, you know, I'm a product of Pacoima 530 because I work construction and I, I need to get my sleep, man, for I could do a good, honest day's work.

You know, I was a pipe fitter.

Welder, I, I, that's, I loved it, you know, and, um, then about six, seven years later, she, she came up to me and she says, I, I, I wish you were cheating on me because I know how to handle this.

I can't, you're, you're always at a meeting.

You're, you're, you're, you know, you're, you're a good man and everything, but you know, it's just, it's just, ah, you know, and I, and so I conceded, I conceded.

And I said, well, I'll tell you what, if, if, if I can't go.

AA, let's go to church.

You want to go to church, you know, we'll get it, but I'm going to tell you, I'm going to be as active in church as I am in AA.

And that lasted for about three years, you know, and I was like, and she says, this just isn't happening, you know, and, and that's where that, uh, wife, no wife, job, no job.

We don't drink no matter what, you know, that, and that's one of my things.

I do not drink no matter what, because I have a solution today.

First is prayer, man.

First is prayer.

And then I don't, I don't drink.

We aren't drinking.

We aren't using.

We aren't doing anything.

Prayer.

Then I go to my sponsor.

Then I go to my people in our, within our group, man.

And that's, that's, that's, that's my, that's my thing.

That's what I have to do because I do not want to die an alcoholic death.

I have seen some of those poor clowns out of our county where they're all bloated up and stuff.

And, uh, I really feel, you know, I have a lot of empathy.

I don't feel sorry for people, but I learned the word empathy.

It's like, I care about people, but I'm not going to get really into it, you know?

And then we went to step two, which is hope, you know, and that's all I ever wanted was

just a chance.

Just give me a chance, please.

You know, and, and it says that we, we came to believe that a higher, uh, a higher power

can relieve, um, I gotta look at it, came, came to believe that a power greater than

ourselves could restore.

And I knew I was crazy because the stuff I did, no sane person would do, you know, I

mean, seriously, man, you don't, you don't go streaking.

That's, you know, you know, you just don't do some of these things, you know, and, and

I always wanted that, that, that hope, you know, I always, you know, just give me a chance,

man, just give me a chance, you know, and people would give me a chance and I, and I

would, I would, I would, I would fall short.

I would fall short.

Now, when I would fall short, I would, I would do what I would naturally know what to do,

you know, but now I can't do that, so now I have to keep going, you know, and then came

the faith, the faith, man, you know, turning my will and life over to the care of God as

I understood Him.

Now, part of my upbringing was church.

When I went to Forest Square, it's a Baptist, and at that time, the only thing they preached

was firestone and brimstone, fire and brimstone, man, and I was, I was hyperactive, attention

deficit, so I was kind of a wild child, you know, and they would say I was a demon, I

was demonic, and then came the, the one thing that, that just blew me out of the water was,

was, you know, if you thought it, you did it, and you're gonna burn in hell, man, and

I was like, you know, let's go.

So, junior high, I told God to stay on His own side of the stinking stage.

I'll stay on the street, and I'll stay on my side of the street.

That's, that's as easy as I could put it, you know, and I was off and running at that

point, you know, and, but when I came to that, turning my will and, my will and my life over

to the care of God, it was one of those things that I had to make a decision.

I had to make a decision, and it had to be coming from my heart, and I was, I was like,

and I prayed about it, and I said, God, I, I just don't want to be what I am, but if

you're the person that's going to be helping me, I'm going to go all the way.

You know, and I, I, I was like, okay, because I, you know, like part of my religious teaching

is that there's no other God, so I was like, okay, we're, I still have that same God that

I had back when I was younger, the only difference is that I have a different attitude towards

Him, you know, what I can do today is I can ask for forgiveness, you know, I'm sorry,

you know, that's a very, two simple words, I'm sorry.

And you'll never.

Never learn that when you say stuff like that, that cuts nonsense to, to nil, you know, and

I, I was like, you know, and I, and, you know, and we kept on going, and we're going through

the steps, and you know, the, the four step, I wrote all the stuff, and I really don't

like those in between, because I had to look at myself, and why I was the problem, and

I went through it, but my other three is 10, 11, and 12, you know, when you're wrong, promptly

admit it.

You know, now, I, I'm not easy to say, I'm sorry, but every once in a while, my mouth

would get me in trouble, and it, and it's, and it's at, and, and I, I didn't mean to,

to step on any toes or anything, and, but at our meeting, I, I, I, I said some stuff,

and I heard through the grapevine, someone was upset about the, what I talked about,

you know, and I, I was like, ah, you know, yeah, yeah, well, a couple of weeks ago, we,

well, on my birthday, it was on my birthday, I'm walking out the door, here's that man,

and I heard in my mind, apologize, and I was like, oh, please, you know, and so, I, I had

to apologize, and I did, you know, because when I have a thought that isn't my own, and

it sounds like my father's speaking to me, I'm, I'm doing it because I, you know, that's

just part of my, my program.

I, I just.

I went up to him, I said, hey, I'm really sorry about, you know, I, I don't have no

beef with the, the homosexual community, I don't, in fact, I'm very grateful for them,

because they taught me the difference between a pedophile and a homosexual, because I thought

they were intermingled, you know, that they were both clumped together, you know, and,

and, and, and I'm very grateful for Johnny and Enrique, because they kind of let me stay

there, which they couldn't tell me not to go, but they, they kind of kept me there,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

they, they kind of kept everyone away from me where I could just listen and learn.

And, about, six weeks later they asked me, do you, do you understand?

I said, yeah, it's between two consenting adults, and the, a pedophile is a predator,

you know, and he said, you're, you're absolutely right, now why don't you go back to your meeting

and have a good time .

which is fine, I understand they want their, you know, but they were willing to teach me.

And I told this to this man, and I think the beef is over, I think the beef is over.

and I didn't really use the the the fag word or anything it was the homo is what I said and and he

took offense to it you know and uh so that's that's where I'm at when I hear or or if I'm I

know I'm wrong because when I go to sleep and I when I was working and I'm tossing and turning

and I'm replaying and replaying and replaying and replaying that action it's one of those things

where you know ah man and I had a beef with an iron worker and I and and and I was taught that

if you make a scene in public you apologize in public and I went over to the guy and I said you

know hey look man I'm really sorry about yesterday yes I should have just moved your lead and for you

can go on about your business I was a little bit busy and I and it was just the heated words and

and and and and he says okay no problem

and

and and then came then came all the other workers you know the p word you know and and I and he he

stood up for me he says man this guy has bigger ones than any of you guys because he's right here

apologizing and now you guys are belittling him you know and I I was quite grateful to him man

you know and uh and that's where I am you know if I if something's eating at me I have to get it

out of my head because it'll just keep going it'll just keep going

it'll keep going and it'll keep going and I just I just don't like that man and it'll talk to me with

complete authority you know you know forget him you know he doesn't know what you're doing and

and that's my alcohol that's my ism there man that's that's where I'm I'm I'm kind of you know

I'm listening to myself now when I listen to myself I'm listening to an idiot you know it's

I have to put it, you know, because sometimes I'm just not the sharpest pencil in the box, man, you know, yeah, and then when it comes over to, you know, having that right here, soft repair, meditation, improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, I do, I walk every morning and I go, one of our, one of the guys, he says, he goes hiking and he says, who am I hiking with? I'm hiking with God.

And when I go on my walk, who are you walking with? You're walking with God. And I do a lot of meditating during, while I'm walking because I'll, I'll just pick a topic. One time a person said that his girlfriend's mother said that he had a good heart, but a sick mind. And I kind of understood that and I thought about that for a while, man. Do you want your mind matching your heart, Clarence? And I said, yes, I do, you know, I don't, I don't want to have, you know,

I just don't want to have no beefs anymore, man. And it's getting better. It's getting better for me, you know, took me a while, but you know, it's, it's all okay, you know, because it's, it's, it's what it takes, you know, and then step 12, man, that's action right there, you know, that's action, man, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs, man.

And that's what I do. That's why I'm here today. Because I have been secretaries. And sometimes it's kind of hard getting people up. And I was taught, when you get asked, you don't say no, you say yes, and you go on about it, you know, and I'm willing to dress up. If you told me it's a nudist camp with you, guess what I would have, I might be embarrassed, but hey, I will suit up and show up, you know, and, and I do.

You know, I try to help other people. There's a one person or group that's having a tough time. And we're really working with them really working with them. I and I, I old school is when you had a birthday, you would take a candle and you give it to the newcomer. And I gave it to him. And I told him here, I want you to put that on your, your first year cake because I and I would tell him because I heard one thing from one of the guys in our meetings that really, really struck me. It says if you don't believe you can, but you can.

Believe that I believe you can, you know, stay sober. And I told him that. And he says, Well, what happens if it, you know, what happens if I go out and start drinking? I said, I'm going to light it, and I'm going to put it where the sun don't shine. You know, it's very simple, you know, and he, you know, and I think he's kind of listening a little bit this time, you know, and I'm like, God, you know, and I'm sure everyone's praying for the man, we pray for one another, we there's power and prayer and everything. And that's, that's one of the

things that I like, you know, I am one of the reasons I went back to church, because at that time, I was trying to figure out God again. And, and I and I was hearing old timers, old timers were talking about going to church. And I said, Why don't you go to church? You know, that's one of the things. Why don't you go to church, man, you're right here, man, it's a spiritual program. So if you want to learn about God, where do you go? And that made so much sense to me, you know, that it was beyond my comprehension that that's what I said when I

you know, when I helped when my wife said she wanted to go to church, okay, fine, I will go to church, man. And I, and I enjoyed it. I had a good time there. I still go I barbed like tomorrow, I'm going to barbecue, I'm going to make Jesus burgers. Yeah, that's what I call them. Because we have a, an outreach in the park that we, we eat and whoever's there, if you want a hamburger, come on over, man, it's more than, but that's how I give back to the community, you know, and

you know, and it, you know, and I have nothing bad to say about Alcoholics Anonymous, man. If you're new, give yourself a chance, man. I mean, I mean, 100%. Don't, don't play, don't play little wishy-washy stuff with it. It's one guy says don't play Penny Annie with a million dollar program, you know, and, and I and my sponsor, you know, this man, I still have

him today. He has, I got 40, he has 47 years, Ronnie B., and he told me not too long ago, this is how serious this man was about it. When I first got sober, I could not sit down. I could not sit down and behave myself. I'd get up, I'd wander around. I was at a men's stag, and they asked him, don't bring him anymore. I was like, what? He says, didn't you ever notice that we never went to the Thursday, it was a third, not the former one, but another Thursday night men's stag, we just stopped

going.

And we went over to Kenny Brown's, and I said, yeah. He says, that's the reason why, because I wanted you to make it, man, because I know you could, you know. And today, all I can say is thank you, God, man. Thank you, God, for showing a little grace on me and giving me a way of living a life. I have a set of morals that I can live by today. I'm comfortable in my own skin, which I'm very grateful for. And that, that, that squirrel cage that

goes, man, it's, it's, it's, it's not, it's not running as quick, you know. It might be, you know, just a little, but, you know, I can handle it with God's help. And I just thank God and AA for my sobriety today. Thank you.

Oh, I forgot to thank, uh, quality of life.