Relapse and Recovery: Roque's Journey Through AA

Uh, Roque Alcoholic. I want to thank Abraham for asking me to come out here.

I got my number, you know.

And, uh, told me Pacoima gave you the number.

You know, and, uh, yeah, I go there sometimes.

I didn't think they considered me a speaker there, you know, but, uh,

I came to AA in 1993.

I'd love to tell you I've been sober since then, but I haven't. In 2008, I drank again.

After 15 and a half years, you know, I drank.

You know, it's funny because I drank because I thought that I was just too young to be sober.

You know, I was like, I was 25, you know, 25. Now I'm a grown man.

I'm not going to misbehave anymore.

And I have responsibilities now. I have a job.

I have, you know, I got stuff to take care of.

I even have kids now, you know, that, that I, uh, that I oversee.

You know, back then I didn't oversee them, you know.

But now I'm sober and I, you know, I have a kid that I love and I'm going to be part of his life.

And, uh, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't that way before 1990.

I had a kid that I still haven't seen, you know.

I haven't seen him and he's 1987.

So whatever that is, makes me almost 40 years old, you know.

He's like 39 and, uh, I still haven't seen him.

And, uh, but yeah, you know, so just so you know, I, I've been sober since July 27, 2015.

Uh, and, uh, I haven't, you know, I haven't drank again, thank God, you know.

And I don't want to drink anymore, you know.

And even back then, you know, when I was, when I was, uh, when I was sober, I used to tell my, tell myself and share at meetings that I would never drink again.

That my kids never will see me drunk again.

Bless you.

Bless you.

Anything like that, that I was sober.

Did we have something on TV?

Yeah.

The voice.

And I loved it.

You have to do, um.

And then it's funny that one day the thought crossed my mind.

Don't say it.

I'm thinking hard about it.

It just crossed my mind.

Right now you're on speaker.

I can be able to drink now.

Go to disconnect my auto.

Funny, right?

Where does that thinking come from?

The book says that that happens to us.

That we forget, you know, about the suffering about a month of a week of a month, you know.

On TV.

On TV.

We forget about all that stuff.

And the thought of drinking just crosses our mind and just, you just drink.

Yeah.

I mean, it's the truth for everybody.

I'm married.

You know, some people have been sober since the first day they came.

You know.

I don't know how to do it.

A lot of us don't.

You know, they come and then we forget.

I'm doing better.

All right.

Same here.

Took me 15 years to do better.

You know.

It wasn't right away.

It wasn't in my first 90 days where I was like, oh, I'm doing great now, you know.

No, it took me a long time to get better.

Because I didn't practice.

I didn't really take like program, you know, serious about it.

But it was like, I was, you know, like people get a sponsor.

And I'll be like, okay, I get a sponsor.

Because my girlfriend wanted me to get a sponsor.

You know, she goes, if you want to date me, you've got to get a sponsor.

You know, I'm like, I wanted what she had.

So, yeah, I'm going to take the steps necessary to do what I got to do.

You know.

And so I did stuff like that.

You know.

I hung out with people that were being active.

They like central office.

You know.

They work at central.

I'd go to central office and answer the phone and have them ring my house up.

And I do.

And I had a panel.

I did all kinds of stuff sober my first 15 years.

I had a panel for eight years at Acton.

Right.

The night before I drank.

After 15 years, I was at Acton the night before.

It wasn't a month or two months before.

It was the night before.

And I even looked out to the crowd.

I remember that day.

I can remember because I knew I didn't want to be sober anymore.

You know.

I overreacted on how bad I was.

You know.

But the truth is, is like the next day I was at a family party.

Family party.

Birthday.

You know.

And somebody offered me a beer.

And I took.

And I just took it.

And I drank it.

And 15 years of sobriety disappeared in like one swig.

Didn't like, you know.

It just disappeared.

I couldn't go back the next day and say, hey, I took a one swig.

You know.

You know.

Forgive me.

You know.

And AA, it's funny.

They don't forgive you for one drink.

You know.

You got to like pay the whole cost.

You know.

It's like, yeah.

We want our money.

We want our shit back.

You know.

Your sobriety ended right there, buddy.

You know.

And it sucked.

But you know.

I didn't care.

You know.

And it was an exciting party because, you know.

I kind of married into a.

They're nice people.

But they could be a little ghetto.

You know.

So there was a big fight there.

You know.

I was like.

You know.

I was thinking my.

I remember my wife at the time.

She's like, hey, why don't you try stopping that fight?

I'm like, hell no.

Listen.

Those guys are big.

You know.

And they're like gang members and shit.

You know.

They're going to turn on me.

You know.

Just let them go.

You know.

I'm going to enjoy this shit.

You know.

And that's what happened the first day I drank.

I was like.

You know.

And then.

And I continued to drink.

You know.

For another seven, eight.

Seven, eight years later.

I think.

That I went out there.

You know.

I had this great obsession.

You know.

Alcoholics Anonymous says we're having a great obsession.

Great.

That one day we're going to control and enjoy.

That's it.

That's it.

We don't.

I don't want to go out there and lose control.

I want to be in control.

And have a good time.

You know.

When you're here in meetings.

If you're having a good time.

You're not controlling it.

And if you're controlling it.

You're not having a good time.

You know.

But I did want to control it.

I wanted to be just a regular social drinker.

You know.

Why not?

I never was before.

You know.

Maybe I want to be able to drink some wine.

Or something.

I don't know.

You know.

Or whatever.

Normal drinkers do.

You know.

And I did drink wine.

I was like.

I don't like wine.

I don't like wine.

I like.

I like beer.

And fucking.

Hard booze.

You know.

And not too much hard booze.

Because a lot of bad shit happens when I drink hard booze.

You know.

I hate myself in the morning.

You know.

I do things like.

Oh my God.

Who is she?

Why is she here?

Oh my God.

I'm sneaking out of the house.

You know.

And yeah.

Stuff like that.

You know.

But anyways.

So I just.

Let me start from the beginning.

I started.

I started.

I started sniffing gas and sniffing paint when I was like eight or nine years old.

And that was around older kids.

And you know.

You figure eight or nine.

Where are your parents?

Right?

Well they have ten other kids to worry about.

You know.

So they were just like.

They had no control over me.

And I could do whatever I wanted.

And you know what.

And I felt odd as a kid.

I really did.

I hate to admit it.

Especially like in front of people.

I hate to admit that I did feel that way because I always like to feel self-confident or you

know.

With the steam.

You know.

But I didn't have any of that.

But I wanted to.

You know.

I wanted to be like a normal guy.

You know.

And no.

But you know.

Getting high made me feel good.

And even the people I hung around with made me feel good too.

They were like.

You're one of us.

You know.

Break into this building.

You know.

For us.

You know.

Open the door.

I'm like.

All right.

I got in touch with.

And it just got worse.

You know.

Junior high school.

I was drinking.

You know.

I was like 12 years old.

I was drinking every day.

Every day I was drinking.

You know.

I used to get the free lunch program.

Get the orange juice.

My parents had alcohol at home.

And I would steal it.

And put it in my orange juice.

And I was drinking every day.

And then people were selling like crosstops.

Whatever.

You know.

And I would.

Every day I was doing that.

You know.

And yeah.

And getting high every day.

And I loved it.

I loved it.

I loved it.

I even didn't even mind getting in trouble.

You know.

I was like.

This is part of.

You know.

I'm a bad ass too.

Not only do I party.

But I'm a fucking bad ass.

Or no cussing.

No cussing.

Right.

But I'm a bad ass.

Right.

At least I used to think that.

You know.

I'm like.

Yeah.

You know.

My friends were all bad dudes.

You know.

And even the girls were bad.

You know.

And I liked that about myself.

I liked all that stuff.

And you know.

I stopped going to school in the eighth grade.

You know.

And then I was forced to go back to school.

Because I went to juvenile home.

My probation officer insisted I go to school.

And then I said.

Okay.

I'm going to go to school.

But to the school I want to go to.

He found out.

And says.

No.

You're going back to where you're supposed to go.

Anyways.

I never graduated from junior high school.

I never graduated from high school.

None of that stuff.

Because I was drinking.

And I was using drugs.

All the time.

All the time.

My whole life revolved around that.

You know.

I.

I.

I.

I.

I.

I.

I.

I.

I.

I.

You know.

I used to have like dreams.

Like I remember when I was like.

Maybe eleven or twelve.

It was like.

Like.

1986.

No.

It wasn't even before that.

Because Marcus Allen.

He used to play for USC.

And I said.

I want to be like him.

You know.

Run like the wind.

And all that stuff.

You know.

I'm going to be a football.

And all those dreams went away.

You know.

Because I stopped.

I stopped.

I stopped playing sports.

You know.

These guys were my heroes.

You know.

and more.

And then, you know, I used to have posters of them cut out from the magazine, these pinups

and stuff, right?

Next thing you know, I have like Jimmy Page on my wall, you know, Jimi Hendrix with, you

know, the mushrooms.

And I'm like, these guys became my heroes, you know, you know what I'm saying?

Like, and yeah, it was like, my parents could probably see like something's wrong with this

guy.

He's changed, you know, and I was happy about that, you know, I used to dream like maybe

one day I'll party like a rock star, you know, I never did.

But you know, I wanted to party like one, you know, and, but yeah, man.

And so by the time I was, by the time I was like 17 years old, I was like, done.

I mean, I quit trying to do stuff.

You know, I don't have no, I don't have no skills.

I don't have nothing, nothing happened to me, you know, I wasn't a success in school

and nothing.

It was all failure, failure, failure, failure, you know, and if you pointed it out to me,

I would get angry, I would only react in anger, you know, so people never said anything.

I said, you're a loser, you know, but I could see it, you know, and, and I just, and I lived

that way.

I lived that way.

You know, when I was like 19, I got a girl pregnant and, you know, she had a baby.

That's the kid I'm talking about.

I never saw him.

You know, I had a year and a half here, but a year and a half, that was the last time

I got, I got to see him.

I went to their house drunk, demanding my, my right to be a dad.

And they're like, dude, can you go home?

You're drunk.

You know, I'm like, and I, and that's it.

And I never went back.

And people would ask me.

Hey, be at the bar.

Hey, how's your kid doing?

I'm like, ah, you know, that girl's a, you know how she is.

You remember her and, you know, I'd give her all, blame, blame other people for my problems.

You know, I started doing that, not, not, I didn't just start.

I had been doing that, you know, blaming other people for my problems, never stopped to look

at what I was doing, you know, um, because, you know, like I said, and like the book tells

us, we love the, the effect produced by alcohol.

I don't want to give that up.

I like it.

I like.

I like to be sloppy.

You know, I remember one time I was all buzzed at my friend's house and, and her mom goes,

damn, Roky, you're a cool dude when you drink.

And I thought, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

You know?

And, and I remember, I never forgot what she told me.

Like, I'm a cool dude when I drink, that's my drink.

Now, you know, I drink because I'm cool, you know?

And, uh, and I like that.

I like that people saw that about me, you know, I never saw it, but they saw it and

I was like, and it made me feel good, you know?

And I don't want to give that up.

and you know like I said wasn't able to hold on no jobs and by the time I was 19 I could see that

I needed help. I really needed help. I mean the probation department knew I needed help and they

would send me to you know to their little camp outs and shit. I'm sorry about that. They would

send me out to the places and I'd be like okay you know whatever I'm here for because I'm being

punished you know but that you know they they send me I remember they even send me to counseling

they're like hey why don't you go and you know somewhere where you like and you know look at the

beauty in this. I'm like all right I don't know what that means but I went and did it you know

because I didn't know anything and so like whatever that's just the way it was and anyways

by the time I was 22 years old man I had tried to quit so many times so many times I tried to quit

22 years old. I tried I mean I gave my life to Jesus every weekend man. Yeah I was going there

to repent you know.

Get baptized in the spirit. You name it. I was getting all that stuff done so that, you know,

somehow I can stop, you know, because when I was 22 years old, I did an inventory of my life. And

I, you know, I'll tell you what happened before that. I was at a, I was at a friend, it was a

gathering of friends and I was at the restaurant and they're all talking, you know, my friends

were in the military. They were just getting married. Some of them were buying homes and

they were talking about it. And I was just there, you know, no money, right? No job. And I remember

my friend's sister goes, Roky, what have you been doing? And I just, she, it hit me so hard. Like I

didn't have no answer for her. I wasn't, cause I, I answered, if I was honest, would have been not

doing anything. I don't have nothing, have nothing going. So what that happened, it was right before

I was 22, I remember. And I started to separate myself from people, sought out short places. You

read that in the book, right?

Sought out short, you know, lower companions, even lower than the ones I was already hanging

out. Because even those people were like, dude, you like take up space here. You know, you're like

taking up air. And I'm like, you know, Hey, whoa, you're offending me. And then I had become like,

so dependent on alcohol and drugs that I didn't even feel like I defend myself. Like, man, I'm

so messed up. I can't even do anything about it. You know, even if you talked before, I would be

like, jump crazy on you. But now I'm like, man, these people are right.

I could feel the loser, the loser-ness in me. You know, I could feel it. And I'm like, so,

so I remember one, one, one night I had purchased, I purchased a gold chain for myself.

I got a nice gold chain, right? Not a big deal. But I sold it that same night. I sold it that

same night for drugs. And it wasn't what I paid for either. It was like, whatever you give me,

I'll take. And I said to myself, Oh my God, I can't believe I just did this. I cannot believe

I scooped this low. You know, like, dude, you can't even take care of yourself. And I just,

you know, I remember I was at the street called Norris and Polk Street. There's a liquor store

right across the street where I was at. It was called Frank Halleck's Liquor. And everybody

hung out there, right? Everybody I knew hung out there. Not everybody I knew, but a lot of people,

a lot of people you don't want to know hung out there. And they, and I thought to myself, I guess

this is my life. Look at me hanging out with these people, all these guys,

are talking about is robbing people, talking about how they just got out of jail,

but they're getting, or they're being hunted. They're being looked for. And I said, well,

these are the people I now associate with on a daily basis. And I said, and I go, and I haven't,

just so you know, before that realization, I had to ask God to help me, help me stop drinking and

using and nothing happened. And then I just said, you know what? Thought this to my head,

guess God's not concerned with me. You know, I'm just going to do whatever I want. And I,

and that's what I did. I, I,

quit trying to quit. You know, I just like, this is my, this is my path in life. God picked a role,

right? Everybody has a role in life, right? And my role is to play this role, you know,

and I was okay with it, you know, and I had prayed to God to help me. Nothing happened.

And I lived that way for the next three years. For the next three years, I just, wherever people

let me stay, I would stay. I would, you know, force myself on their homes. Like you have to

kick me out to get rid of me kind of stuff, you know?

Hey bro, you've been here a month, you know, it's time to go or at least get a job and help us. You

know, I couldn't do it. You know, it's just, it's just a leech. It was a taker of everything. I just

sucked it. And I hated it about me, but you know, I didn't, there was nothing I can do. I didn't

know. I tried to stop. I went to rehab, one rehab, victory outreach, you know, and, and I,

and I prayed all the time to God to help me and nothing happened. And I just like, all right,

I'm just going to live this way. And I just, I just live that way.

For the next three years, next three years, I was going to jail. You know, I remember the last

time I went to jail, the judge goes, he said, he says, when you get out, you're going to need to go

to AA. And I was like, Hey, Hey, you know, I didn't even know what AA was, you know, like,

okay. I go, but I told them, I told them like this, don't waste your time. Just add more time

to me because I'm not going to make it to those meetings. Like you asked me to, you know,

because I already knew something about myself. I was not going to make it. I just not that

responsible. I can't even make it to a meeting, whatever it was, whatever that was. So he did,

he added more time, you know, he's like, okay. You know, and, uh, and I don't know, you know,

like Memorial weekend of 1993, I was doing okay, I guess, you know, and I called girlfriend and

she wasn't my girlfriend. She was just a friend. And I said, Hey, I'm going to come meet you.

Where are you? And she was, I'm at the park. I'm like, come down. I'm like, okay,

I'll be right there. And you know, I showed, I showed up late. I showed up like two hours later

and she was leaving. And I go, where are you going? She says, I'm leaving. I've been waiting

for you for like two hours, dude. I'm like, all right. So I called another girl that I knew.

And I said, what are you doing? She goes, Oh, we just got back from some AA camp out. Happy

campers. I think they were back in 1993. I was like, what? And I was like, okay, whatever. I

don't care. I'm coming over. And they're like, yeah, come over. And they, and that's the day

I went over there and I go, Oh, you have to go. And they're like, yeah, you know, just got back

from the sober thing. And, and Chris is sober six months. And you know, my friend wasn't sober, but

she went with her, you know? And, uh, and I said, Oh, cool. And I said, I'm going to go get me a

beer. And I remember my friend Jennifer goes, dude, Chris is sober for six months, man. You

know, be careful, you know, maybe you shouldn't. And I was like, and I know Chris from high school.

So I told her, Hey, Chris, I'm cool. Right. You know, don't worry about it. It's just a beer.

I went and bought it, bought one tall can, one tall can. And I,

came back and I finished it right away. And, um, we were waiting for pizza and I said,

you know what? I'm going to go get it, go get another one. And that's when she's,

and that's when Chris 12 step me. She says, why can't you just stop drinking? Why? What's wrong

with you? Why do you need another drink? Blah, blah, blah. You know, you're a drug addict. And

if you die, I'm going to come to your funeral and just spit on it because you're just a drug addict.

That was an AA member, the AA member. Yeah. And, uh, and I was like, settle down, girl, you know?

You know, and I thought, settle down.

I ended up marrying her, you know? She was my first wife. I loved that, you know, it was better.

I had a little self-esteem back then, you know? And, uh, yeah, but thank God for her. I know I'm

married now, but that's my story, you know? And she, and she invited, she invited me to a bunch

of AA functions. She was like involved in AA, you know, I had to go back to jail. She went to visit

me and she would tell me, she told me when you get out, I'm going to take you out and buy you a suit.

And we're going to go to a convention, an AA convention. That's what she said. Like, all right,

whatever. I don't even know, I don't even know what you're talking about, you know, but okay.

And she did buy me a suit like this, you know? And we went to AA convention when I got out and I was

like, yeah, you know, and I was like insecure. And I was like standing like this because I don't know

how to act. I'm like, I don't even know how to act in public, you know? And, uh, and I would,

and I was jealous of these people talking to her. Who are these people? How does she know them? Why

are they hugging her? You know, all this crap. And I was like, I don't even know how to act in public,

emotional craziness in me. And, you know, she was just a member of AA. That's what they do.

You know, I didn't know that, you know? And she invited me to more stuff, you know? You want to

go bowling? I'm like, fool, I don't bowl. She goes, you want to go to a picnic? Like, I don't

picnic, you know? But I'll go, I guess, you know? That's what she wanted. And I did that. And thank

God, because I went to the meetings all the time. Every day I was going to meetings and I have a

job. And I went to meetings every day, every day, every day. And I was like, I'm going to go to a

three times a day, four times if there's meetings there. And that's where I got hope that things

could change for me. The things, like, people would say stuff like, if I could do it, you could

do it. And I'm like, you know, I'd be all, drank a lot of coffee that day. So I'd be up all night

thinking about all these people in AA were saying. I'm like, do you think that stuff could really

happen for me? Because see, I didn't think it could. I didn't think that it could. No,

it won't happen for me. It can't happen for me. That's the kind of thinking I acquired from trying

to quit. Can't and it won't happen. Why bother? But in AA, they said, it could happen. It really,

it will happen if you do these things. And they make me do dumb stuff back then. I think you

could smoke. They say, wash the ashtrays. I'm like, okay. Wash that. Wash the cups. They find

serenity at the bottom of the sink. Oh God, you know, you hear that stuff, like whatever serenity

means. But I did it. And I met a lot of people there and they became my friends. We ended up

doing a bunch of stuff together. We started growing up together, right? We did, you know,

I met Mike back then in the nineties. And yeah, man, my life started to change and, you know,

my life did get better. They were right. My life did get better, you know, but I forgot,

you know, there's a thing in the book says we less, you know, we rest on our lower. We're

hated for danger. And that's what I did. I started not doing AA. I did my own thing, you know, kind of

AA. I can't, I did kind of AA, not real AA, but kind of, you know, and then one day the thought

crossed my mind after 15 years, you know, after 15 years, like I said, I got a good job. Oh, Mike,

he's a good speaker. Mike, Mike was speaking at my home group. I didn't even know him. And he was

like, yeah, man, they gave me a job. And I was like, the city of Los Angeles gave me a job. And

I was like, man, I heard his story. I was thinking they gave that guy a job. Maybe they can give me a

job.

That's what I thought. I said, I really thought that. I'm like, Mike has brought hope into my

life, you know, and, and sure enough, he, I went up to him and I said, do you think they'll hire

me? And they're like, yeah, just go down there and apply. I was just like that. And just like

that's what I did. And I applied, you know, I worked there for 28 years. I just retired a month

ago, you know, you know, thank God, you know, it's like, and it's good. If you're an alcoholic,

it's a good job to have because it's very hard to get a job.

You know, it's hard to get fired. They'll let you go to rehab and all kinds of stuff. But yeah,

you know, just like, it's stuff like that happens. So it's, so it's kind of weird that I rested on

my laurels. And I drank again, you know, I really did drink again. And, you know, it got bad again,

got bad again to where here I am again today, you know, doing the same thing, you know. And,

yeah, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, man. It really is. It did it.

You know, there's a, there's a part in the book that says, what I thought was a flimsy reading

turned out to be the powerful hand of God. And that's the truth. You know, what I thought was

something weak and dumb and useless, you know, turned out to be the hand of God helping me.

You know, when I was praying back when I was a kid, God answered my prayers, you know,

sometimes I had to pay a price, you know, sometimes we have, it takes a long time

to get there because we're unwilling, because I was unwilling to change.

Because I was unwilling to believe that maybe the things that you believe wouldn't happen for me.

So I had to pay the price and keep doing my own stuff until I figured it out, you know. And then

one day I realized, hey, you know, I might as well just turn my life forward to this God,

this power greater than myself, you know, because people say that if you do, you know,

as a matter of fact, the 12 and 12 tells us that the third step, the third step is the most

important step that, you know, that you're wholesome, that our whole recovery depends,

on how well we do that step, how well we give our life over to that power, you know,

and it was like, pretty powerful stuff there, you know, for me, I was like, okay,

I'm gonna try my hardest, you know, and so I do that now, you know, I'm better at it,

you know, you know, I've grown from that, you know, it says that we need to continue to take inventory,

we need to continue to get a conscious contact with God, we need to, you know, practice, you know, the 12 steps is not about passing it on,

completely, the 12 step is about practicing these principles in all of our affairs, try to carry the

message, but we need to practice the principles, you know, a lot of people think 12 step is,

let's go to the jail, pass, it's about acting right, you know, and it's hard for me, you know,

it's hard, it's hard, you know, because for a long time, I would, if you pissed me off,

I would probably chase you on the freeway, you know, I would do dumb stuff like that,

you know, and I had to pay the price for that, you know, full of turmoil all the time, full of,

stuff, you know, but as I stay sober, as I stay sober longer, my life is a lot easier, I really do try

to pray, I don't try, I do pray, and I do meditate, and I do it every day, you know, the 11 step tells

us that prayer and meditation is our principal means of conscious contact with God, so since

it's our principal mean, it's our most important means of it, so I try, because I don't want to

drink, I don't want the thought to come in my head again, and say, you're okay, bro, you know, you're 59,

I came when I was 25,

I'm 58 now, so, you know, and I, there's a lot of, there's a gap, but, you know, you can stay

sober, you know, now, and I hope, you know, they just come to these meetings and practice these

principles, practice the principles, you know, and all your affairs, you know, and it may be hard,

you know, I want to share one other thing, I was with my wife in Peru, she meant I was happy to be

there, I was like, I was sitting there, you know, they're going on about whatever they're talking

about, I'm thinking, man, what a lucky guy I am to be able to witness her stuff, you know,

witness, because that happened to me, I have the same story she has about, I got to meet some of

my family from Mexico, and they explained a lot of stuff about how, and I realized, oh, it makes sense

why I was the way I was, you know, anyways, and, you know, she, I want to share this one thing,

she shared that she used to think her cup was half full or half empty, right, now, I know her cup is

over full, man, ever since she met me, you know,

it's like, it's running over, you know, that's all I got, thanks, guys.