From Party Life to Sobriety: Keyvon's Journey

Keyvon Alcoholics. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you Abraham for reaching out. It's always, it's a blessing, you know, just coming, driving down and thinking it's Saturday night, right? And I share this regularly at evening meetings on the weekends, like, we shouldn't be here. For both physically, like, and also living wise. The way we're living, we shouldn't be here.

And if we were still alive, there's no way we would be caught dead in Reseda at 7.30 p.m. in an AA meeting, you know? So, yeah, it's like, you know, sometimes just taking a step back, my life is good, you know, and I'm very fortunate. I'm 45 now, and I'm at that age where, like, I have several adult years, you know, and I have several years, hopefully, God willing,

ahead of me. And I have a level of experience and still a level of youthfulness where, like, my approach to life and my responsibilities are greater, but also my ability to really appreciate what I have is just, is what I think makes me just very grateful for not just AA, for everything.

You know, I am, I came to AA when I was almost 33 years old, and it was the first time in my life,

I just wanted to stop drinking. I first started drinking when I was 17, and the first time I drank, I was at my older brother's house, or his apartment, and I drank and I passed out on his couch. And, you know, he's, I'm very close to my brother, we're just messing around. He had this thing where, when I would pass out, he would cover my nose, and then I'd have to gasp for air and breathe out of my mouth. And I guess he did that a few times that evening. And I share that story just to say, like, we're just messing around.

No one's thinking much of it. Oh, it's his first time. But that's my story. When, over the course of the next almost 15 years or so, it's, I drank to the outs. It's till I blacked out, till I passed out, or till the alcohol ran out, you know. And the times that I didn't drink, I just didn't drink. You know what I mean? It wasn't, like, a situation where I'm just going to have a glass of wine and just call it a day, you know. I was just not going to drink. And then when I was going to drink, I thought I would just have a few.

And that never worked. But because I really focused on school and education, I latched onto that as part of my identity. So I did well. I didn't have any misdemeanor or felony convictions. I've been arrested, not even once, just once, I guess, in high school. But other than that, there was no major legal issues. I never had issues at school. I went to college, did well in college, went to grad school, did well in grad school.

You know, so I always,

I always thought, yeah, I have a potential problem with my drinking, but I'll figure it out. Like, I figured out most everything else in my life. And so I'm going through life. And from an early age, like, I wanted this job. So I get this job, and I'm about 25. And now there's no more goal in that sense, you know. So now I'm just a professional. I'm making money. And now I'm off to the races, you know.

At that time, I was dating a girl from college.

So we dated around for seven years. So by the age of 27, she was a great, great human being. Fantastic. We got along well. She wasn't a big partier the way I wanted to party. She wanted to settle down. And I thought I wanted to, but it wasn't in my cards. So I broke her heart. And at this point, I don't have an obligation of a girlfriend. I have the job I want. I'm making money. And I'm thinking I'm going to live the party life for the rest of my life. And it's, it's the insanity. When I look back, right, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like

And when I started doing the steps to really just reflecting on my approach to my drinking, I knew I couldn't like drink in a very disciplined fashion. So my solution wasn't to stop drinking. My solution was to do other things to keep me up from passing out. Right. And there's a there's a story in the book that says like, you know, most people change their behavior to to reach their goals.

We start changing our goals to match our behavior, you know, and I love the term yet. You know, I remember before getting sober. I was like, I haven't gotten arrested yet. You know, I haven't gotten a DUI yet. I really believe that, you know, I didn't think that like I was invincible or whatnot. I just thought like, man, my luck's gonna run out. And I have a problem. And but the 27 year old me didn't think so. You know, the 27 year old me would my older brother, he's in the program, too. We grew up together, we went to undergrad together, we went to

We went to grad school together. We lived together. When he was having marital problems, he was on my couch. When I was having marital problems, I was on his couch. He's the one who, through trying to help me, found out he's an alcoholic as well. So our lives have always been intertwined. To top it off, on his second birthday, I was born. So we share the same birth date, just two years apart.

And so we would have these plans to just party, right? So let's say New Year's, a group of us would go out. His wife at the time would make spreadsheets of who was responsible for what, breaking down the costs. We would have three hotel rooms side by side. The middle room was a party room. The other two rooms would drown out the noise so we could go until the next day and beyond.

Someone needed to really pass out. They would just go to either one of the rooms, you know, and we would have party favors to make sure the party would keep going. The problem is, he's like me, we're high energy, so we need to eventually sleep. And so we're just drinking more, drinking more, drinking more. And at that point, you all know the story. Our bodies are just depleted. We have an eight. And so the solution to not eating, because of course, we're not going to want to sit down and have a meal, is someone would be in charge of getting insured, right?

You're talking about like 20?

Late 20s to early 30 year old men and women partying and having insured to make sure they have enough nutrients to just party more, right? It's just the insanity of the disease. And, you know, I just thought I was going to party and have alcohol in my life for like, in perpetuity. And so I met a girl and I thought it was great. She's a partier too. But of course, like all the other women in my life, she was a hostage. And hostage by what I mean by is that like, I didn't know what I was doing.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I didn't know how to live life. I didn't know how to love a human being. I didn't know how to love myself. So there's no way I'm going to be in a marriage and know how to take care of somebody. And I had all the right intentions. I wasn't going to stop drinking, though. She didn't necessarily stop drinking either. But we had no business getting married. I had no business marrying anyone, let alone her. And that crash and burned very quickly in less than. So if we got married in October, by August, she had already filed for divorce.

You know, and looking back, that was the greatest thing, gift she could have ever given me. Not only did she file, she wanted nothing to do with me. So I got sober on August 6th of 2014. Every once in a while, maybe for like the holidays or a birthday, I would send her like an email. She never responded. So when I got sober, it was just me. It was just me trying to stop drinking and figuring out what's going on.

I didn't have to worry about trying to save the marriage because she didn't.

I didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't have a choice. And that was the greatest gift. And I say that because it was August 8th at this point. I'm sitting in an AA meeting and I hear the preamble. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. And I sat there and I thought to myself, I don't want to drink anymore. Prior to that, I had gone to AA maybe a few times just to appease her. I didn't really mesh with the group. Figuring out that later on, you know, I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm

not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink

app out. I'm out. That's what I was. That's just what I felt like. So I'm going to meetings and I'm

feeling good. You know, I had previously because of work or because of school, I could go months

without drinking, but it wasn't ever going to be a permanent thing. And so to not drink for,

let's say, several weeks wasn't necessarily going to be an issue. But like I felt it around

like 75 to 90 days where I was like, OK, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. Like, OK,

I hadn't started the steps, but I hadn't I hadn't been dealing with the guilt of the

debauchery of the night before or the weekend before, you know, like the countless times of

waking up middle of the night, like panicked, like, how did I get home or where am I looking

back? I mean, now in the digital age, you could look at receipts or your credit card or your phone

transactions. So I could kind of start trying to piece that the night before and and thinking like,

God, I thought I wasn't going to drink more than just two drinks. And then thinking, like, did I

like cheat on my wife? Like, did I like get into a fight? Did I embarrass myself if it was a work

function? You know, then coming day, it says only an alcoholic sends a text message. Good morning

with the question mark, because we have no idea what happened. And so it's about like three,

three and a half months. I got initially sober in Glendale, where my brother, who at this stage

is working the steps, encourages me to consider getting a sponsor. And I was like, you know,

I'm like, yeah, I kind of feel like I need to. I just don't know. Like, it just seems embarrassing.

He goes, we'll go to your meeting. Just go a little earlier. Right. And if there's someone

you kind of know that you've talked to here and there, why don't you ask him? It was immense.

Meeting. What that like, hey, you know, you're thinking of getting a sponsor who we'd recommend.

Right. And then maybe he'll introduce you, you know, just like let it unfold. I was like, OK,

I could do that. So I go to the meeting and I sit relatively in the front. Not a lot of people have

shown up. And this and Jamie shows up and he sits next to me. He's like, oh, look at you all about

a getting here early, sitting in the front. I'm like, oh, yeah, you know, I'm just trying to take

the next step. He's like, oh, what step are you on? I was like, oh, that wasn't a good choice of

words. Yeah.

I was trying. I'm trying to progress and get a sponsor. I was like, oh, maybe you could help me

out. Do you have someone in mind that you'd recommend to be my sponsor? And he goes, well,

I know you're not asking me, but I could be your sponsor. And the weight of the world was lifted

off my shoulders because whether he knew it or not, God did at that moment. Like I wasn't sure

if I was even going to ask his recommendation, but I didn't need to. He took that task from me

because I was willing. And, you know, he recently passed away. When I moved, I had switched

sponsors. He didn't have the most like thorough understanding of the book or a very thorough

understanding of or knowledge of the steps. But he was a kind man and he gave me his time. And

because of my education and schooling, I didn't need someone to really like hammer how the book

like to read the book or whatnot. I had read the book before coming into AA.

You give me an assignment to this day. I'll do it. I'll put the time in. I'll do the research.

I enjoy it. I just needed a man to give me his time with no strings attached. And I didn't know

that's what I needed, but he gave me that. And so as we continued working, as he continued to

invite me into his home, as we continued to have book studies and bring other people in, you know,

I saw how you love another human being. I saw especially how another man can love another man

without any compensation. Just care.

I saw how a group comes together to not only carry the message, but to also, you know, really root for

me. And I saw how I could root for someone I don't even know. I could even root for someone who I

don't even care for their shares. I could pray for someone I do not like. You know, those things

aren't mutually exclusive. I started learning how to live in God's path. I believe it's what

God has intended for us. And I'll get to the higher power.

You know, when I was starting the steps, you know, I didn't grow up with religion. I didn't grow up with

this notion of a higher power. But I knew there was something in the rooms. I knew there was

something going on. And I knew that there was something that was not only keeping me sober,

but was helping me be a better human being. And so being able to latch on to the term God or

understanding of a higher power wasn't as challenging for me because I didn't have

a frame of reference.

You know, I was kind of like a blank piece of paper. And, you know, I remember like going

through the steps. I took my time because I was feeling well. And like many of us, you know, like

we start resting on our laurels and getting comfortable. I'm getting comfortable because

I'm not making a fool of myself. I'm getting comfortable because, you know, I'm building back

the relationships that I may have.

I'm making sure that I'm good, you know? And I thought to myself, you know, I'm not

going to make a fool of myself, you know? And then I went through it. I'm like, I mean

I'm a good person, you know? And so I was like, you know, I'm really good. You know,

comfort me a little bit. I don't mind being a fool. I don't mind that I'm afraid. You

know, I'm out there with my friends. I'm afraid that I'm going to look for someone

that is not safe. And then I'm like, all right, I'm like, you know what? All right, I'm not

my life partner. I don't care. I just want to make it work. I want to make it pretty.

we're having our conversation you know and like i still feel anxious right and i'm going through it

and then i'm just sharing with them we're just we're it's still a very comfortable setting it's

a safe setting for me still and as i as i as i just talk about myself as i like in my head think

that i'm sharing how i'm less than the average human being like the nothing faces him he shares

his experiences and he shares his own story um in relation to what i'm sharing and that night like

there was a weight of like i felt for the first time i was a part of the human race you know and

i knew it like i knew it right when it happened like i held on to all of this you didn't my ex

wife didn't no one did i in my head have perceived myself and everything that i've done as me being a

and i drank

and not knowing at the time when i was drinking that i just kept feeling less than and i didn't

want to keep feeling less than i kept thinking in my mind right like it's just exhausting being me

it's exhausting trying to make sense of this world trying to make things work and and and reality is

trying to control and not knowing manipulate situations to come out the way i think they need

to and um i just remember after doing the fifth step we're going through the character defects

and

i write down my list on the eighth step and then and now we're getting into the ninth step and i'm

meeting people at this stage you know like i though i was a little anxious to do some of the

nine step amends unlike many people that i've i've heard share in the past like i wanted to

make amends i i wanted to make things right and so i started off with the easy ones there wasn't

much pushback um and i'm going through the amends i

in my profession i'm a public speaker so i prepare when i write and i've

done a lot of speaking arrangements i speak daily in court and i still practice a lot and so um every

day i had a nine step prayer and every day that i was going to make the amends i i kind of wrote out

some notes and ideas and i just practiced just the the first part of what i would say

um especially if i hadn't talked to the individual for quite some time um it wasn't fully

I was prepared. That would make me feel comfortable and ultimately that's what helped make the amends actually go smoother.

So I'm going through the list and there's two on the list that are the most damaging. One is my soon-to-be ex-wife and the other one was that college girlfriend. Her name was Melissa that I dated that completely broke her heart.

So I reached out to Melissa and the timing was actually pretty good. Her birthday was February 13th so I emailed her happy birthday. She responded thank you right away.

And so a few days later I called her. I left a message about being able to meet up and just knowing her personality she called me back right away and said yeah I could meet.

She's the type of person that just wants to get it over with. She's not going to try to like.

Push it off. She's not one who holds a grudge that way. And so we meet like two days later. And later on I find out she was like yeah I was thinking like is he calling me? Is he doing like that call?

Because she like someone was like oh he probably has an STD and he has to call everyone who's a little bit past or some ridiculous thing right? And I was like oh that's pretty funny.

And so.

Melissa's Catholic. She grew up going to Catholic school. Her parents are devout Catholics baptized in the Catholic Church.

The reason I say this is so the talk of God to her wasn't very hard to hear and it was actually comforting.

So I go we meet we talk for several hours and I explained to her that I'm an alcoholic.

I explained to her that like you know.

I can't change the past but you know I'm here to make it right you know I'm not that person I don't live that life and she felt it you know she felt it because she knew that like she always saw like the potential in me.

We were in college and in grad school so that point like we're not living together so certain things we may overlook but but deep down she always thought I was a good person you know she always just thought I needed to get my act together with the drinking she didn't understand fully what an alcoholic was.

So she embraced that aspect and I share this and I spent all this time telling the story is because she texts me that night and from the text and prior to even making the call to the men's I knew that this wasn't an opportunity to try to get back with her because I would really just screw up the whole men's process.

This was a prop the opportunity to actually make amends from her text I can tell that she.

She says I had closure on a month.

She says I had closure on a lot of things but she still left the door open.

On other things.

And so for the next month I'm over analyzing the text and obsessing like we do as our cause but more importantly I'm actually praying and talking to people about it and I say this because I knew that the next time I reached out to her and if I were to ever reach out to her in a way to make it potentially go to the next level I have to be ready be willing to marry her.

Now what I mean by that is this if we are.

Compatible I've already known her for seven years.

If we are compatible I'm not here to just figure things out anymore.

She's not either she's a woman in her thirties who was going to marry me and so if I'm going to go out on a date again with her it's not to try to figure things out if I'm serious and she's serious I have to be willing to marry her and so I go through it and I am I always just thought she was the one that got away so we go on a date we don't know what to date.

So on the second date we find out it.

Is a date and.

Fast forward.

In September 9th of 2017 we got married and.

She's like.

I never thought I'd get married again I never thought it not because I didn't care for companionship or what not I was just in my happy being sober happy being an.

Uncle to my nephew taking care of my family and like I just didn't want that I didn't want to try to have children.

I didn't think I'd be a good father.

I didn't want to have the risk of hurting someone else again because I was worried if we'd be compatible I always just thought Melissa was the one that got away but she did it.

You know.

God had something else in store.

And I will tell you I wrote letters to all of her family members because her mom wasn't very happy that I was back in her life.

Her mom quotes.

She said.

He's just playing you.

Like you'll see.

I'm not wrong on these things.

That was September of 2016.

December.

2nd of 2016.

I'm kind of old school.

My parents showed up.

Me and my dad in suits.

My mom's dressed very nice to their house.

It was planned where I asked her mom and dad for her blessing.

To marry their daughter.

He has three daughters.

I'd like to believe I'm the favorite son-in-law since I'm the only one who actually did that.

Yeah.

The other two son-in-laws didn't.

But that's not me.

You know.

That's me and my connection with my higher power.

Allow me to be present and do what needs to be done.

And fast forward.

You know.

I have a home group.

It's in Pacoima.

I love the men there.

I love the women there.

The Sunday meeting is a great meeting.

It's a participation meeting.

But the Thursday night men's stag is my meat and potatoes.

It's a meeting where I always tell the men there.

If you consider a place your home group, then treat it like you want your home to be treated.

You know.

You take care of your home.

If you need to contribute, you contribute.

If someone comes in who's not familiar, you lend out a hand.

You know.

You take a commitment.

Act of service wasn't hard for me.

And I know at times it may be for some individuals if they don't have the reps of doing it.

But it's a big deal.

Because my home group, no matter how bad I feel.

It's not just limited to my home group.

But especially my home group.

I always feel better when I leave an AA meeting.

I have yet to go to an AA meeting where I felt like that was a waste of an hour.

You know.

And it's not like, oh, just very fortunate that that's never happened to me.

In these meetings, it's the presence of God.

You know.

It's a spiritual program.

I have no problem talking about God.

And I also say I didn't find him right away.

You know.

Like the seeking.

And now I'm playing a little bit of semantics.

But I was the one that was lost.

I was the one that needed to be found.

And I didn't know that I was seeking or needing God in my life.

For us alcoholics, we unfortunately have.

You know.

We're very resourceful.

However, when that resourcefulness turns into an obsession where we're trying to control how things go.

It's deadly.

It's deadly.

And it doesn't need to be limited to alcohol or drugs.

We can take a thought or an idea, obsess over it.

And that discomfort will lead us to do very, very ridiculous and out of character things.

And from those things, we hurt people.

And it's just such a blessing.

You know.

Like my whole life, me, my existence right now is because of AA.

You know.

I was 32, almost 33 when I got sober.

Without a doubt, I would have either died or been imprisoned by now.

Like there's no question in my mind.

Even though I never had a DUI.

Even though I never had been arrested.

There is no way with the way I was drinking something crazy wasn't going to happen.

You know.

The fact that I'm just alive and nothing happened is a miracle.

Then you take the next miracle that I stopped drinking and I've maintained that for 12 years.

That's another miracle.

And then the fact that I'm able to then, to the best of my ability, try to carry this message and help other people.

That's another miracle.

You know.

The reason AA is so, so successful is because nothing we do here is mimicked in the other.

The outside world.

And I say the outside world but it really is.

You know.

Like sometimes I like to imagine like if God's just, you know, like let's say every city is a channel.

He just flips through.

Right.

He just flips through this channel.

He's like look at these hodgepodge of people.

This motley crew that gets together on a Saturday night to help one another.

Right.

Like hey.

This works.

This works.

And.

And.

And I would have never, never thought that this would be my life.

You know.

And I would, when I first came in I would hear like a life beyond my wildest dreams.

And I'm not trying to brag.

I've partied in Ibiza.

So when I'm thinking of a life beyond my wildest dreams I'm not thinking of coming to AA on a Saturday night.

Right.

But that life is the connections I can have with another human being.

Right.

And my wife have a very, very strong connection.

I thought I was going to be a horrible daughter.

Me and my daughter was, coincidentally, her birthday is on your sobriety day just one year before.

She's turning five.

Everything she does I adore.

You know.

I went from like Tuesdays calling in sick from work to Tuesday while dropping her off at school and waiting outside.

Right now it's the decade of the rosary.

So they pray the rosary while I'm outside in my shirt and tie.

And she's waving because she's made it very clear that I have to wait and I can't leave before morning assembly is over.

And as she's walking back to her class she starts motioning me to walk with her and then gives me a hug and then blows me a kiss.

And then I say I love you.

That is a life beyond my wildest dreams.

You know, having the responsibility of being her father is the greatest privilege.

The greatest privilege.

And just to think like that.

Trust me.

There are times where I'm not the greatest father to her and she'll tell you that.

But it's okay.

We don't become sober where we don't make mistakes.

We become sober where the mistakes we make are much less and we know what to do to make it right.

And the other day I yelled at her.

She didn't like it.

Of course she wouldn't.

I didn't like it.

And I just closed my eyes and I went up to her and I said, I'm sorry, Shayla.

That is not right for me to yell at you.

Daddy was upset.

But it's not okay to yell at you.

I'm very sorry.

I gave her a hug.

I was like, well, what can I do?

She goes, well, can I have some bubble siren?

That's what she calls apple cider.

She calls it bubble siren.

Instead of cider, she says siren.

I love it.

I don't even want to correct her.

And that's our household.

That's our life.

And, you know, I would have never, ever thought I would be here saying this is a dream life that I'm living.

You know?

But everything she does, like everything like that me and my wife experience together as her parents and together as husband and wife is a blessing, is a blessing.

You know, and the connections that I have with the men in these rooms, with the women in these rooms, the ability for Abraham to send me a text.

I've never met him.

But to, hey, you know, I heard if she can come speak at a meeting.

And we just quickly texted back and forth and got a date.

You know?

It's a beautiful thing to be responsible.

And it's a beautiful thing to be wanted.

AA will help you become responsible if you're not.

And it will enhance your responsibility if you are.

And it will make you feel wanted and really, really part of.

And I really thank you guys for allowing me to share.

Thank you, Joe.