From Early Trauma to Sobriety: A 35‑Year Journey

Thank you for inviting me to come and participate in your meeting and in my recovery it's good

to be here.

My sobriety date is February 3, 1991.

My home group is the Pacific group.

My sponsor is Duffy and I'm blessed and honored and privileged to be able to sponsor women

today.

That's not always been my story.

I've done this perfectly imperfect, this journey, I was 20 years old when I landed here in Alcoholics

Anonymous.

Bear with me if I wiggle.

This is my first day actually sitting up, I pulled my back out on Sunday last week so

I've been in bed all week.

Thank God I work from home because you can like have zoom off and work from your bed

propped up.

So I'm going to do my best to not be distracting and wiggle up here.

Feels good to be here, it's just great coming out of the pandemic being able to be in person

with people and you know share my recovery and welcome to those of you that are new.

If you don't identify with something you hear it from me, please you know keep coming back

to different meetings and find your tribe, find your story.

If you come here and you come all the way in and sit all the way down I promise you

you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams.

Not a perfect life, it's not unicorn and rainbows, we have life, we're human beings.

But I landed here at 20 years old and I'm so grateful for that.

I'm the youngest of four children, I was born and raised here, actually I was born in Panorama

City, I was about six months old when we left the valley and moved to Thousand Oaks which

everyone thought we were crazy because there was nothing out there but literally thousands

of oak trees and walnut trees and hills and horses and they all thought my parents were

crazy why are you moving your family there and that's where I grew up and that's where

I got sober and I'm the youngest of four, my siblings are all much older than me from

six years to eleven and a half years older.

You know I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood, my family looked nothing like

the rest of the families around us, my mom was the breadwinner.

She's a Jewish blonde hair, blue eyed, 5'8" woman and my dad's Mexican, converted to Judaism,

short, you know he worked throughout the years but he wasn't the breadwinner.

We didn't celebrate Christmas, we didn't put the lights up, we didn't have just two children,

we didn't have mom staying at home and dad going to work, nothing about my family looked

like anybody else.

None of that makes me an alcoholic but what now I know today from coming here and staying

here and working the steps multiple times is that I believe for me I was born an alcoholic.

The way I reacted to all the circumstances around me was just extra, it was just a lot.

You know growing up I always heard you are way too sensitive, you are too fearful, quit

crying and it's true like that's just the way I was from a very young age.

I remember a really young age laying in bed and we had a two story house and I would lay

there and think of all the things that could go wrong like if there's a fire how am I going

to get out of here?

If somebody breaks in and tries to kidnap me, if we were out and I was with my parents

and a stranger looked at me I was convinced they were going to try and kidnap me and that's

just how I always reacted to the world is how are you out to get me, how are you going

to hurt me?

You know it's just a really young age, I had a really busy mind and you know my parents

put me in therapy at a really young age, we had a pretty, you know it's not the worst

of the families but it was a dysfunctional family.

It was not a healthy family.

If I was being raised today CPS would have been called on us, it was just a lot of stuff

going on in that household.

Parents are still together today, they love me unconditionally, all four of us they've

loved and supported us unconditionally, they did the best that they could with what they

were given and I'm grateful for that but it was not you know an ideal, idealic home to

grow up in and there was a lot of chaos and things going on and I had an older brother

who had a lot of problems from a really young age and you know he was shipped off somewhere

and I had another sister that had medical stuff and she was in a hospital for a month

and in a body cast and a grandmother at the same time you know was in a accident.

So my parents were gone a lot and I was at the neighbor's house and again doesn't make

me an alcoholic but all of these circumstances just added to my sense of always not feeling

like I belong, not feeling like I was part of, not feeling like I was a deaf and so from

a really young age I just started to learn how to pick up things to lead my reality and

so for me food was the thing I started with at a really young age, I'd eat until I was

so uncomfortable and it was a thing I could control, I could control nothing else but

I could control sneaking food or going to the neighbors and trying to you know fix myself

and take care of myself.

I didn't know any of that you know at that time, I just knew that you know I was the

only one in the family that was now a chubby child and the first time I took alcohol in

was at a family friend's bar mitzvah and my siblings were all teenagers by then and I

went around and drank all the half glasses and I just to this day remember I finally

felt a part of, I felt like I could take a deep breath, I didn't know those things but

I just know that for the first time I felt cute, I felt funny, I felt accepted because

my siblings and all their friends thought it was hilarious that this little six-year-old

was drunk, my parents did not find it hilarious at all but I just remembered for the first

time feeling like I was a part of and I just always wanted to feel connected and a part

of and I never did and didn't drink from that you know it wasn't a drinker from six years

old but I did start drinking regularly at about 11-12 years old, I have an October birthday

so I was always the youngest in all my grades you know all the grades so I was in middle

school about 11-12 years old and that's when I started drinking, I did what a lot of us

go into at that age, I went into my parents liquor cabin and I got the mason jar, I put

anything and everything in there because I have never been one to drink for the taste,

it's always the effect and we got went to 7-11 with the girlfriends and we got the big

goal and you know we just chugged and then we went to the community dance and you know

what I've always loved about when alcohol comes in it quickly because I always drink

the hard stuff, it quickly shuts down the crazy upstairs, it quickly brings that glass

wall that I've always lived with between me and you and I start feeling connected and

I feel enough and I feel cute and that's just how I drink, by the time I was you know my

parents I got in trouble in middle school so they sent decided that they were going

to send their Jewish daughter to the Catholic all girls high school because that was going

to save her and it didn't, I found my people there and they had access to a lot of money

and houses that were empty because their parents were vacationing and so after two years of

being there and doing a lot of partying you know I told my parents that if they didn't

let me leave I was going to get kicked out and I learned at a really young age how to

control my parents with you know anger, tears, whatever I can manipulate and I was they're

tired man you know it's I'm the last of four and they're just tired so they just cave and

they let me go to regular high school, public high school and without even trying within

like three months I got kicked out of there because they don't really like it when you

don't attend, they do like you to attend because they like to get the money for you attending

and you get consequences and so you know I like to go ditch school and go to county line

and party and they didn't like that so I ended up going being sent to continuation high school

which today I see was a saving grace for me you know I got there and my junior year and

I had a counselor there that just said you know you can do what you want with this you

can come here and sit here and do nothing and you'll age out of it or you can come here

you can apply yourself and you could if you wanted to get done in a year and I did that

I just did that I still partied I ran away from home I did all these other things in

that year but by the time you know I turned I graduated and then I turned 17 and then

like a month later graduated and got done and I think if I hadn't landed there I would

have probably not finished high school and so by the time I was 17 I'm out of high school

and my sibling right above me is now over 21 and so what do I do I steal her driver's

license and I'm out of high school and my parents said you can live here you just need

to get a job so I had a fake ID I they got my parents got me a car at 17 so I had a car

I'm still living at home mom and dad you know just want me to just get a job they're thrilled

their last of four three girls and one boy their last of four has graduated and none

of us got pregnant none of us got arrested well the girls didn't get arrested and we

graduated and so they were just like do what you want and so that's what I did I you know

I made sure that nothing was going to come between me and me being able to get my alcohol

my sister has green eyes and I don't so I went and bought contacts that were not contacts

with any prescription but just changed my eye color and I remember how painful it was

but I was like determined though I was going to get used to those contacts because I was

not going to have because I knew all the information on ID we look pretty similar and so I just

laugh at that still today though the lengths that we alcohols will go to to be able to

secure access to our alcohol because I needed that that is what allowed me to be able to

be amongst the rest of the world and shut down the crazy that was going on upstairs

always and so my drinking from 17 until I got sober at 20 well I worked in bars I cocktail

waitress I waitress and you know I go to work I work in the restaurants and then I you know

go with my fake ID and my girlfriends and we go to bars and I you know go in there and

immediately you know chugged down along the Long Island iced tea shots as quick as I could

to shut down the brain and I'd scan the room to find the man that was going to be you know

my target for the night you know and then I'd wake up and not know who I was with where

I was how I got there you know I'd have that guilt shame or remorse of the night before

I feel horrible and sick and you know and then rinse repeat and I just kept doing that

and doing that still living at home not a lot of responsibilities not much expected

of me and you know what happened for me was I got engaged at 19 years old and we were

engaged for about five months and he broke it off and that happens to a lot of people

and I have no idea why but for me in that moment when he ended it with me it just broke

me and I got really depressed and really suicidal I was in therapy twice a week I'm still living

at home my mom I remember would like she was in sales so she drove around a lot and she

tried to you know convince me and take me with her on road trips and stuff because they

were really worried to leave me home alone and uh you know I I was not real honest but

I was a little honest with that therapist about some of what was going on um she took

me and tried to get me checked into like a dual diagnosis place and you know it was you

know in 90 in 1990 so their treatment wasn't what it is now they rejected me they didn't

take my insurance and so I'm grateful I like I I didn't get to Alcoholics Anonymous to

treatment I got to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was willing to talk about some other issues

I was having and she sent me to a 12-step meeting it was an Alcoholics Anonymous but

they read um you know portion of chapter three and for the first time I had what I now know

is identification those those words in that page on those pages I can relate to and identify

I always surrounded myself with people who also were drinkers um but they were the ones

that were like waking up and drinking in the morning and I wasn't I'm a binge blackout

drinker um I'm still living at home so it's like you know pretty easy to be able to I'm

being taken care of and you know I'm working at restaurants and such so I didn't have you

know a lot to lose when I got here um but what I I did do was there was another woman

in that meeting that I knew was um also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had a

moment of grace where that window of willingness opened up and she was there and identified

in that moment with those pages and for the first like I always knew there was something

wrong with me like I told you my parents had me in therapy at a really young age I always

knew something was wrong but I never knew what it was and I was so afraid that you were

gonna find out how crazy I was that I was only willing to be a little honest and um

I went up to her and she took me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and oh I loved you guys

from the moment I met you because you guys were up here talking about all the things

that I kept secret all the thing the thoughts the feelings the actions that I didn't talk

with anybody else that I was doing and you were talking about them and you were laughing

about them um I loved that um you know that moment of grace just came into my life and

I was willing to be honest in that moment when people were there with their hands reached

up to me and you know telling me to come all the way in and sit all the way down and um

you know there was just a group of women that that pulled me in and I love that you guys

gave me a job you said we give you commitments here and I love that because it allowed me

to feel like it was okay for me to be here I was 20 years old when I got here and in

1991 there was not a lot of young people in Thousand Oaks there were some but not a lot

um but I heard a couple of things when I first came here one was that it did not matter how

much I drank or what I drank it's what happened to me when I drank and I also heard that you

know pay attention to the similarities and not the differences um I don't know why I

was able to hear that and take that in and do that because I you know I was rebellious

little girl when I got here who thought she knew better um but I was able to hear that

and take that in I got a sponsor um I was really I was did a pretty good job my first

year you know I got a sponsor I worked the steps all the way through first time that

I like felt like I really like started something and finished something it was following direction

and I started feeling different I started feeling a part of I started feeling some of

that sense of that glass wall that was between me and you coming down when I was having fun

and interacting with people it was the coolest thing because it was real and I knew it wasn't

just because of what was in my system or in their system like I was having real interactions

with people um and I knew that I didn't have to the next day had guilt shame or remorse

um for having a good time for what I was doing and um so I'm you know 20 years old I'm sober

and I get this wild uh idea in my head and it probably was about maybe six or eight months

sober and if I was gonna stay sober I couldn't stay here in California I needed to move away

I have no idea why um I don't know why it came into into my brain or into my being um

I talked with my sponsor about it and you know I agreed I wasn't gonna do anything for

my first year of sobriety um but I did start just like um trying to figure out you know

how what would I do where would I go and I decided I was gonna move to Oregon I'd been

to Oregon once when I was 12 years old my aunt and uncle lived on the coast in Oregon

and I decided um I was gonna move to Eugene Oregon I had never been there um I I sold

it to my parents behind the guise of like I'll go to college when I go there and so

um you know about a year sober we went up there um I went to meetings I found a place

to live I met a woman I got her name and number um started calling her I still had my sponsor

here I came back here um and then my you know my parents helped me pack up and after a year

of sobriety I moved up there and um you know started working with that sponsor and um you

know I'm kind of surprised I stayed sober the first few years I was up there because

um you know I I got plugged into meetings and then I got a job in a restaurant and then

um I was still going to meetings but my life was getting far more like um surrounded by

all the people I was working with in the restaurants and none of them were sober um but I did I

stayed sober um I eventually did go get into college and I went to college um and you know

I I ended up graduating college and through that journey um I was doing a lot of fellowship

and I was going to meetings and I'd have a sponsor and then I'd get a new sponsor and

I kind of worked steps a little bit I get in a little bit of pain and I just started

this this cycle for myself of thinking that um alcohol was my problem right not really

understanding what alcoholism was really about and so I assumed that you guys all came to

meetings and got sober and you were happy Joyce and free because you went to school

and you you know got a career and you got a husband and you got a house and so I just

did a lot of that I came to meetings um I did a lot of half measures um I graduated

college and you know the year I was graduating college I also decided that that was the year

I was going to meet a man and I was going to marry somebody um it was not going to be

an alcoholic because I didn't want to you know get involved with somebody who could

relapse and then they relapsed my life would fall apart not like oh how sad that would

be for them that they relapsed it was again all about me and how it was going to affect

me and I'm gonna I'm being the director and I'm you know playing all the parts and I'm

orchestrating and I'm managing and um you know and I'm when I set my mind to something

good or bad it happens a lot of times it happens and so I did that I graduated college I met

him um he was not an alcoholic um he was a really kind sweet man that I knew would um

never leave me never hurt me I also knew deep down that I wasn't in love with him um but

I thought well that'll come and he'll never hurt me and he'll never leave me and he had

um a six and a half month old baby and a two and a half year old um he was divorced and

um it was a ready-made family so it's another thing to check off my list I've graduated

I've got my bachelor's degree I've got a career now I've got the man um he has the kids um

and so we're off we're off on our merry way and you know I have a career now we buy a

house you know and all the all the way you know I'm I'm going to meetings I'm I'm doing

a lot of fellowship I find myself working in treatment I try to avoid doing that um

but I ended up working in the recovery field um and for me that was not a good thing what

that did me did for me was it allowed me to have an excuse um to to stop doing a lot of

the things that really are the treatment to my alcoholism and um you know before you know

what we've been married a few years we go through a custody battle the kids end up coming

and living with us my life is just really chaotic with a lot of stuff going on um we

spend a lot of money um because you know I'm still an alcoholic that is not treating herself

with the steps and with the sponsor and so I don't know this is what I'm doing but what

I'm doing is you know we're spending a lot of money and then we go through bankruptcy

um and then we you know get ourselves out of that and so long story short is you know

I I've stayed here and I've stayed sober and I've suffered from alcoholism a lot throughout

the years without having a drop of alcohol in me and what that looks like is bankruptcy

what that looked like for me was at 11 years of sobriety I was 307 pounds um and so it's

like I don't even realize that's what I'm doing I don't even realize that I'm dying

on the vine and I get in enough pain and I get another sponsor and I you know start working

the steps again and I find a new meeting and I just do a lot of that and then before you

know it you know we I'm at 19 years of sobriety and um you know I've changed careers I'm no

longer working in treatment and um you know at 19 years of sobriety I'm going through

a horrible dry drunk and I don't know I did great at this job and I was like the star

and I'm getting all these accolades and I'm you know moving up in this new job and then

all of a sudden things start shifting and I don't realize I'm going crazy from then

side up and all of a sudden I'm paranoid and I'm thinking oh my god they're gonna find

out that I really can't do this job I'm miserable in my marriage um because again I've you know

self-reliance again I'm taking people places and things and trying to you know they're

my problem and they're my solution and um you know by 19 years of sobriety I haven't

gone to a meeting in a year I didn't go get my coin I'm miserable in my marriage and um

that guy that I was engaged to when I was 19 years um 19 years old we stayed in touch

on and off and he got sober in rooms alcohol synonymous and he calls me up and he's like

on fire and he's so excited and he how many sponsors do you have what's your home group

how many mutants you're going to and I'm doing none of that but the blessing in that is that

I experienced that magic that happens that language of the heart when one alcoholic talks

to another and all of a sudden like that little ember that's almost out inside of me starts

lighting up and um you know I ended up spending way too much time talking to him um and really

using him as a support and that's not something that I recommend or that we recommend that

we do um in the rooms but what did come from that was that you know he really was able

to help me um just get willing to go back to meetings and to um to reach out to that

old sponsor I hadn't talked to for quite a few years um you know and I was a pain when

she sponsored me I was not an easy sponsey um and I called her up and I left her a blubbering

message at nine o'clock at night and um and she you know later told me that she was like

not excited to hear the message but she did what we do she called me back the next day

and um so I got honest with her and started going back to meetings I started working with

her she didn't take me back right away um she would say things like do this read this

um call me tomorrow at this time and I just kept doing that putting putting together days

of doing that and following through and she'd tell me things like go to work find something

to do for somebody else that they don't know that you're doing and don't tell anybody you're

doing it if they find out then you gotta do it again I think you did it oh my god we're

back to this um you know and she go go to meetings and you know find new people to be

of service to and I would say to her I'm I'm too crazy to like sponsor people I don't want

to sponsor people she said oh no you're too sick I don't want anything that you have right

now I just want you to take them to meetings you know just say yes go and be be a part

of and be of service and so I just did a lot of that she eventually did take me back and

let's speed up because I'm running out of time it's hard to tell 32 years in a little

bit of time but what happened was that we worked the steps again and she said um I will

take you back we're gonna work the steps again and I need you to promise me that you're gonna

stay in that marriage for a year and you're gonna work the steps and you're not gonna

leave that marriage until you've worked the steps and you've stayed one year um so that

we know that that's really what God needs and wants for you rather than um than you

doing that to escape and I want you to know I'm a hundred percent confident that his name

was Jeff that Jeff is not your soul mate so you're not allowed to run off and leave the

marriage to go be with that person um because I'm sure that's what you're thinking and she's

right I was thinking that because that's what we do you know it feels good to connect with

somebody else because I'm miserable over here um and you know another one of those moments

of grace like thank goodness that you know grace had come into my heart and came over

me and I was willing to recognize she was my lifeline to God and to be staying sober

and I did that and um you know a lot of magical things happened in that year um the fourth

step that I did was was a four step like one I'd never done before through that four step

you know when I started working with her again and I agreed to stay um I hated my life I

blamed my husband I was very resentful and angry at him and the life that I was in and

after doing that fourth step and that fifth step I was able to recognize where I set that

ball rolling when I married a man and took him and his kids hostage to make me feel whole

and better that's where I set that ball rolling um when I was the one that was you know ruling

the roost and you know making all the rules of the household and doing all the things

I'm the one who put myself in that position and didn't allow him to be a participant in

that marriage and um I did end up leaving that marriage that was the right thing and

I never looked back I never thought oh is this right or this wrong because I took my

sponsor's direction and guidance and I I did the steps all the way through again and saw

that also what happened in doing that fourth and fifth step was that that anger that resentment

and that blame towards him it melted away and it never came back and you know so many

things happened in in the experience of working the steps but the biggest thing that happened

for me was I got to have a spiritual experience because of working the steps I got to have

a psychic change and a personality change um that allowed me to be a different human

being in this world and it allowed me to have a different experience and for Alcoholics

Anonymous to become a new again um so many things have happened I left that marriage

in 2011 we were divorced in 2012 um you know I got very active and busy in my home group

um I ended up moving to Portland and my home group was West Portland group um I ended up

you know having a really big life sponsoring a lot of women being very active I had a career

that I worked for the state of Oregon for 10 years and then you know what happened is

a little whisper came in that I really wanted to ignore and um it was that my parents were

aging none of my siblings none of us lived in the state of California I was finding myself

coming here more because they were getting older and um you know and a thought came to

me of god I think I'm gonna have to be the one to move back there and then I thought

god no I don't want to go away I don't want that thought and then you know before I knew

it that thought that I kept trying to reject started really weighing on my heart and it

started really becoming something I thought maybe I really do need to do this and I just

started talking to my sponsor and she said do nothing just pay attention just pay attention

do nothing right now and so I did that and you know what happens is when god has worked

for us to do walls come down and then impossible happens quickly and like swiftly um you know

and I applied for uh opportunity for a leadership opportunity a leadership um academy type thing

and I was accepted and um you know I met a woman and she said she was my mentor and she

said well why don't you see yourself in five years and I didn't know this at the time that

she had a agency here in California and I said well you know I think probably at some

point I'm gonna move back to California I don't know how because you know I had this

career and I'm not gonna just leave this career and um so you know after working with her

for a few months you know three months later um she had one of her directors reach out

to me and they uh recruited me and they flew me to California and they interviewed me they

offered me a job three days later and you know I let go of that 10 year you know invested

you know public service employee of the state of Oregon and I I said yes and so within a

month's time I packed up my world and I moved back here and I lived with my parents for

four months it helped them sell their house um that was hard to go back you know after

you know in your 40s I had lived with them for a long time and um I'm still in that career

I'm still at that agency um I'm really grateful that that job landed in my lap like I did

because it was a really hard job for a good two years but I knew that God brought me there

for a reason I knew God brought me here for a reason and um you know and I moved back

here seven years ago and um a lot's gone on in that seven years we've all lived through

a pandemic um and you know just to give you a glimpse of what God does and so that job

was in Orange County and I lived in Orange County up until four years ago and my mom

kept having a lot of medical stuff and I started feeling that whisper again and I was like

I'm gonna have to move closer and I went to my boss part of our our organization um a

lot of people lived all over the United States worked virtually but if you lived close you

had to be in the office and I went to my boss and just said I feel like I'm gonna need to

move closer to my parents what what do you think about that and she said well if that

really becomes a you gotta do it let's talk about it and literally a month later I got

back from a business trip with my landlord called me and said hey I'm selling the condo

you're living in and you're gonna have to move within like 60 days and she called my

boss and I said well I have to move so I guess I'm moving to LA what do you think and she's

like well let's go talk to the you know the head head leadership and so I went in and

you know that Monday morning I went in and I talked to them and they within you know

half an hour they said yes sure you can become a remote worker and can you be out by next

week because we need your office because there's another person coming in I was like so it's

like you know when God has worked for us to do it happens and so you're like within two

months time I found a place and I moved um to Sherman Oaks and my parents were living

in Thousand Oaks at the time and that was 2019 thank you Lord thank you Lord for that

because it gave me a year to acclimate to working remotely and working from home I was

scared I didn't know how it was gonna look um it brought me here where my parents were

and um on March 1st of 2020 my mom um had gotten really sick and um just with the respiratory

thing I don't know maybe it was COVID we didn't know at that time but she kept falling and

she was confused and so we took her back and the ER did a scan and they found she had water

and building up in her brain she got admitted to the hospital on March 1st um she ended

up getting diagnosed with hydrocephalus and she had brain surgery she was at the hospital

and was really released on March 19th the same day that we all shut down still get emotional

big but you know you don't realize you know my dad can't couldn't drive anymore either

and so I was doing a lot of everything for them and um and it wasn't fun a lot of the

times um but my sponsor has taught me that you know I gotta just find a way to accept

the role that God has assigned me today and so that's what I've done and um you know the

state of California and the DMV and all their wisdom um decided my mom could have her license

back the doctor signed off on it and I thought well she won't pass the written test and dang

it she did she won't pass the driving test dang it she did so I don't think she should

be out there driving but she's out there driving so I say that because you know my parents

are in their 80s and they're still alive they're still married they're actually in San Francisco

right now um for a weekend with with one of my siblings and um you know and there's a

lot of challenges and it's not always fun but alcohol synonymous has given me a design

for living um for me to be able to weather and um be the best version of me if I'm doing

the deal with you know on a daily basis um and sometimes not daily to be quite honest

you know like we all have those there's times right now I'm in one of those times I'm not

feeling super connected to God right now but it's okay because it's like a wave out there

I trust to know that strength and the wetness of the wave is going to come crashing back

and I'm going to feel it again as long as I stay here I stay connected to my sponsor

I go to my meetings I work with the women that God's blessed me with to walk this journey

with and I you know wake up every day and I don't put substances into my body then I

know that again I'm going to feel that connection to God and that I'm grateful that I get to

have a design for living I think we were probably the best human beings on this planet to weather

a pandemic we were up and running and on zoom and connecting was it what we wanted no but

we were able to do it and I'm so grateful for that and they I'm so grateful for all

helps anonymous for being here with all of you um welcome if you're new um and please

just stay it's so much better to just stay