From Acting Dreams to Sobriety: A Pregnant Woman's Journey

Hey everybody Meredith Alcoholic, I want to thank Abraham for asking me to come speak

here tonight and Alex for his share, we're about the same age but that's certainly not

my sobriety date, I wish it was.

My sobriety date is September 5th, 2017 so I have a little over eight years and gosh

it's funny, I was like oh there's not that many people here and during chapter five they

literally doubled fast.

Let's see, yeah, so full disclosure, I'm also 37 weeks pregnant and I have a horrible

sigh in my eye and a potty trained toddler at home and just like woolsing in and out

burger before I got here so if anyone else is feeling a little uncomfortable I feel you,

I also am.

Let's see, so I'll just tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened,

what it's like now.

I grew up in Pasadena, beautiful home, beautiful family, nothing I could want for really but

it was impossible to see that when I was younger.

You know I mentioned being uncomfortable and like that's really sort of the root of where

my alcoholism starts, it starts with being uncomfortable and being just kind of generally

dissatisfied with life.

That's my first memory is just being really dissatisfied with what I had and as I mentioned

I had a lot and looking back on it, you know, it's definitely, you know, none of these amazing

things are why I'm an alcoholic, in fact, I think they're why I'm not dead but it was

all my earliest memories just of being very dissatisfied with life.

I wanted more, that's my disease, I want more and I want and I think my alcoholism tells

me that if I just have that one more thing, that one more person, that one more drink,

that one more drug that I'm going to be okay and I'm going to be comfortable and like I

will do anything to feel comfortable.

So when I was younger I started kind of performing at a very young age, acting was my favorite

thing and it was because I never had to be myself because I thought being myself was

boring and underwhelming and I didn't want that.

So I started performing and I got to be other people and that was kind of my drug of choice

for a really long time and then I was kind of thinking about it earlier and I realized

that I sort of started my first geographic before my alcoholism ever really before my

alcohol and drug use ever really got out of control because I had the opportunity to go

to a really good acting program at UC Irvine but instead I was so anxious to just get away

from where I was, from my family, from the school I'd gone to for nine years from I just

it was this was the problem was where I was from where I lived and so I went all the way

across the country to Boston to a school where I got where I didn't get into the theater

program but I thought oh it's fine I'll just deal with that later like what I need to do

right now is get away.

Oh and thank you Brianna for welcoming me.

So I got over there and I pretty I fell into drinking and using with that same you know

crowd that Alex talked about pretty quickly because all of a sudden my solution I didn't

have it anymore and I felt extremely inadequate being I didn't have a purpose and all of a

sudden I was away from what had been my higher power up until that point was just my parents.

So yeah things for for two years I learned how to do all the drinking and drugging I got

you know written up a bunch I got alcohol poisoning I got you know I it was just it

was really bad ice and because I had had such a I'd had a really good education so I got

to college and I just kind of like was able to do okay without really paying attention

and just continuing to feel worse and worse about who I was because I wasn't doing the

thing that I thought made me who I was which was performing.

So I made the decision after two years to come home and stop wasting my parents money

well I thought was what I was thinking I was like this is so smart of me and so kind and

I'm the best daughter.

So I came back I came back and I wound up I did I got into an acting school in Hollywood

and it was like okay this is great now I'm moving to Hollywood I'm gonna what could possibly

go wrong you know I'm 21 years old I'm moving to Hollywood to go to acting school and it

was wonderful and I loved it but it was like I found all this the right people I found

all the same people I started doing all the same stuff drinking and using and I did pretty

well and I wound up you know I got a manager and I got an agent and but what I discovered

is that I was so full of something I was so uncomfortable all the time that I kept prioritizing

my drinking and using over my career like I would always it would always be like I could

never you know I can never smoke because pot is a big part of my story I was like oh I

should never you know smoke before auditioning or anything like that and I always would because

I was just so I just couldn't not be altered you know that's how I did life and that's

how I felt comfortable or how I thought I felt comfortable.

So eventually you know all of that kind of you know I became a bartender which is a great

job to have when you're an actor it's also a really good job to have when you're a drunk

so and I was really good at it I've had the opportunity to kind of you know if I put my

mind to something I'm pretty good at I think a lot of us are that way and so slowly my

bartending became more important than my acting and my agent went away and my manager went

away and and I you know I had a group of people that I was drinking and using with pretty

regularly and I decided like okay well I'll just move home that that's the problem Hollywood

is about home so I did it at a geographic move home and decided like okay well maybe

I'll stop trying to act because maybe it's the it's the business of acting that is making

it so hard for me I love to perform but I hate the business and I and I do to this day

I mean I will say was definitely a you know an alcoholic move but I but I do think that

you know people that people who are professional actors in the industry in Los Angeles there's

a certain amount of self-love I feel like you have to have but I feel like a lot of

alcohol that I as an alcoholic do not have I mean I really you know I'm so full of judgment

for other people when it comes to myself I just think I'm an absolute piece of you know

what and it's very hard to just show up in the room to play you know like slutty girl

number three which was one of the days I kind of hit a bottle with my auditioning career

you know it's it's like there has to be a lot of you know a lot of self self something

there that was and I was just consumed with self in such a negative you know spiraling

way so I decided you know I went back to school I thought I'll work in human service administration

and I'll try to do nonprofit work with my family that you know just any I was just trying

to to live up to a potential that I had somehow placed on myself because of my family and

my schooling and all that and and at the same time like nurture my my alcoholism because

that was the only thing that was making me feel safe what happened for me was a you know

I moved around a little bit more one of you know I bartended a few more places and consequences

started to sort of build up in ways I mean I was always horrifically hungover like I

just I would look at a tap of and be hungover I mean it was really so it's just I live my

life kind of half in the dark always and then you know I would I wouldn't be able to show

up for things I couldn't show up for my family and eventually I got pulled over I got arrested

for I was driving I was working in downtown living in Pasadena and I was driving my drunk

friend home after a night that I've been working at the bar and blew a .29 and got taken all

the way back I was like two exits from Pasadena too it was like it was such a tragedy you

know and got pulled and yeah the 110 I think the harbor freeway is very windy so like if

you swirly swirly sort of I mean I guess I don't accept things about it now but I got

taken all the way back downtown and I were kind of despite being super you know technically

my BAC was pretty high but I was very present for the whole thing and it was just like how

did a good girl like me wind up in a place like this and I kept I'd written down my friend's

phone number but I kept trying to call him and it wouldn't go through and and the only

phone numbers I know are my you know my parents so so I called them and you know they picked

me up and but it was the craziest thing because they were just so I think they were so in

shock that that had happened to their kid that they were sort of their attitude about

it was very much like well this could have happened to any of us like this is you know

like this is crazy this is this is insane but like this is just you know this this is

are you okay like you know what what we do and it was you know I was full of shame and

guilt but it was also kind of a relief that they were just like because they were still

basically my higher power I mean well drugs and alcohol have become my higher power but

my parents were still the people that I answered to even at like I was I guess 28 years old

when this happened so to have them kind of like support me and not be you know ready

to disown me I was like oh okay you know what yeah this really could have happened to any

of us like I really this is not a problem and it took me about 48 hours before I was

back at the bar drinking like it didn't do it didn't do anything even though the consequences

were rough you know we I they took my life I suspended my license for a month they uh

you know I got I had an interlock I had breathalyzer in my car they sentenced me to 10 AA meetings

I think and then I had to go to you know DUI class and all that stuff and it was so for

a while it was very challenging because I was I did not stop drinking I did not slow

down I had to get a handheld breathalyzer so I wouldn't set off my breathalyzer in my

car because I was still bartending and still drinking and I would get stuck places and

get like oh I can't you know now I got away from I mean the insanity now looking back

it's it's absurd but at the time it was like this is just this is who I am this is how

I live my family you know we're all we were all drinkers it was like I just couldn't possibly

convince myself that bartending was like this way of life for me so I could never you know

how could I give up alcohol when this is like this is my livelihood this is what I'm passionate

about and um what happened was I I met I met a guy on tinder the classic fairy tale um

and I had to meet me I was it was during the month when my license was suspended which

was awesome because I would just take the train from Pasadena to downtown and I could

drink as much as I wanted and then I'd take the train or an Uber call and there was like

no I didn't have to worry about anything it was carefree and uh and so I had to meet me

on Friday night at seven grand in downtown and um I ordered a chamois beer and he ordered

a coke and I thought that was so sweet because he'd come all the way from the valley to come

have a drink with me downtown and that's very responsible of him so not drinking drink um

not something that I would ever do but that is not drinking drink um and we sat there for

you know we sat there for 10 minutes and I got another chamois beer and he had another

coke and I was like all of a sudden I just had this weird thing and I was like you're

sober aren't you because I'd started going to DUI class in the meantime which was another

place where I was like this is so great for all of you guys but this is definitely not

gonna be for me but I love this and this workbook is really helpful and insightful and um and

I said you're sober aren't you and he said yeah and it was like this moment where I had

I had always said I was like there's no way I could ever be with anybody who was sober

our lives were just so incompatible but it was like it took me like 15 minutes to figure

out he was sober and it took me like 10 minutes to like totally follow up with him and so

I was like in a really in a in a bit of a bind and so I started this relationship with

um a sober guy in Alcoholics Anonymous and he started a relationship with me a a bartending

out of work actress who was two months off of a DUI in DUI class with you know with a

breathalyzer in my car and no intention of getting sober um we should have been sorry

yeah but we started we had we started you know just to see each other and and he was

very he was really working his program at the time he had about almost four years of

sobriety at the time and was very just like doing his own thing and the stuff that I put

him through man I mean I'd make him I he'd come out with me and my friends and he'd drive

me around and he helped me you know he was just he was wonderful and very much attraction

you know an attraction not a promotion and it took about we were it took about a year

of watching me go down watching myself go kind of downhill in terms of we moved in together

in the valley and um and I was still bartending and it was you know it was hard but I was

like determined to be a really good girlfriend I stopped you know I didn't I when we moved

out here I stopped hanging out with all those people I was drinking with and like when I

would hit my bong I would like hit it in the closet to try to be respectful just doing

my best to be a really solid girlfriend and um it finally got to the point where I was

so like I would kind of oscillate back and forth between drinking and you know and other

drugs and I was really sort of everything yeah I had a really bad drunk one night where

I was very sick and the next day I looked at him and he had this look on his face and

I'll never forget it because it was like it was like I'm gonna lose this person at some

point and it's not today it's not tomorrow but eventually this is gonna be this is I'm

gonna lose this and it was enough to realize that I didn't want to live that way anymore

because I had just been in because the night before I'd been in a bar with my friend who

had gotten blackout drunk and like called this guy a racial slur and then we were in

the uber and his she's passed out and his her boyfriend was like hitting on me I mean

it was really like a vision for you situation where I was like this is not what I wanted

and um we went on a vacation where I was where I was only able to drink while we were on

vacation with my family and I was super sick while we were there because I was withdrawing

from other stuff and and when we got back I thought okay I'll just like maybe just try

not to drink for a little while and so I took like I got like 39 days white knuckling it

and was really horrifically unhappy and my brain was going all over the place and all

this stuff and then I finally you know came around and it was Labor Day this and I was

like it's a holiday so really important holiday and I and I I deserve this you know that's

my alcoholism is all is all is all about I deserve this um and I I I used for the the

last time and I had this I had kind of a spiritual awakening about it because I had gotten far

enough away from my habitual drinking and using to not feel safe when I did it anymore

I felt really betrayed because all of a sudden I felt really I felt extremely uncomfortable

and um I'm super grateful for that moment because that was when I decided to come into

the program and luckily I had this great example of somebody who was still you know who was

working it and he started taking me within the meetings and um I got a really sort of

hardcore sponsor right away started working the steps and uh going to a lot of meetings

and you know I don't know I to this day it's like the farther I get away from that from

that moment of you know where the the desperation and the willingness kind of you know kind

of touch each other like the the more and more of a miracle it feels like because you

know as has already been said tonight living sober is is a lot harder than getting sober

unfortunately um although I will say that getting a little bit of time away from that

last drink is is helpful because on those days you know I've had a lot of stuff has

happened in the last in the last eight years you know I turned when I turned five years

sober my brother-in-law my sister's husband who I was very close to died of this disease

he was 45 and then um I left my job and had had my first baby which was wonderful and

joyous then my sponsor relapsed out of nowhere and then my dad died and it was just like

one thing after another of horrible um stuff happening and those were the times when it

was like when it was some of these things that I think of as like character defects

right like you think of my of pride and of um you know and of and of sloth and some and

things that were some of the only things that were keeping me sober because it was about

it was you know it was having pride that I had the time that I already had and it was

being too too lazy to consider having to be 30 60 90 days sober again because it was a

lot a lot of work and um you know so I it was hard to contend with that for a little

while with what how do I how do I manage these things that I would consider to be character

defects but sometimes it's the only thing that keeps him sober um but then I remember

that you know character defects are what get between our usefulness to of our usefulness

to God and to our fellows and as long as I'm sober I know that I'm more useful to God and

to my fellows so it's okay it's like whatever works some days um and I will say you know

my sponsor going out was a big one for me because I really had her up on a pedestal

she really was somebody who it was like the word of God and when she went out it just

came out she had just she had just gotten through um breast cancer everything she just

graduated she just gotten some degree she had like a thousand degrees and all of a sudden

she was on she called me and my my my daughter was like three months old and I was on the

way to Pasadena to go see my dad who was dying of this horrible dementia and and she called

me and she was on the way to rehab and I was just like what are you talking what are you

talking about and um I was full of a lot of anger because well because I put her up there

first of all you know I put her on the pedestal and then I felt like you know but look at

what's going on in my life right now how could you possibly decide to relax right now like

I clearly need you and um you know that was a tough one and I'll say she's really struggled

I mean that was that was the summer of 2023 and right now tonight she is back at Betty

Ford she can't stay sober and um and it's been hard because there have been a couple

of other instances where she was supposed to show up for me and she hasn't been able

to and it's like it it's it's hard not to take it personally but it's a really I mean

no I'm not grateful that she relapsed but the way that it's all happened I can see the lesson

in it now right I mean I can see the I see the light I look back on you know some of

these horrific things like well horrific is not getting into you eyes could be much more

horrific than it was for me because I didn't kill anybody I didn't hurt myself um but it

was at the time it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and now I see it as being

one of the best things because it allowed me to have an open mind that allowed me to

meet this person who became my husband who was able to show me a different way of life

and now because of that I am sober and it's hard to think of blooming any other way and

that's a miracle and with my sponsor going out you know it's I hate I hate that she's

going through this but you know it helped me to understand what a sponsor's real role

is someone's life and it's allowed me to sponsor women now in a much less self-critical way

because I'm just I'm just an alcoholic and so is she and so is she and um it's also been

a huge lesson as I sort of intimated like it's been a huge lesson in right-sizing myself

because it's just you know it's not it's just not all about me and that's how I you know

if I if I stop working my program for even one day that's what it becomes it becomes

all about me and it's all you know and I'm able to because of because of the foundation

that she helped me build I'm able to see that you know that her alcoholism has nothing to

do with me she's not trying to hurt me she wishes she could show up for me and right

now she can hopefully she will it's also an excellent reminder because one of the reasons

why I wanted her to sponsor me in the beginning was because the stories that she told about

how she was when she was out there I wouldn't have believed them because she was such a

woman of grace and dignity and alcoholics anonymous and to see someone and now just

to witness it firsthand is really hard it's like oh damn it's like you're you're a real

alcoholic you know you were not um she wasn't joking about any of it when she was talking

to me about her fantasy and um it's all you know so just trying I try to see that all

for the good and um I want to talk a little bit about my relationship with my higher power

because that's sort of been uh an ever-evolving situation because when I showed up here I

was very uh anti-religious I guess I was raised by a recovering Catholic mom who never let

that go but that's another story and and a dad you know a father who sort of worshipped

at the altar of science and um so I was raised to be extremely um you know hesitant wary

of organized religion and to basically believe that anybody who believed in God or or prayer

or any of that kind of stuff was just not as smart as as we were that being said though

I've already told you guys that like basically I realized I've always had a higher power

in my life it was just people it was people places and things I mean my parents were my

higher power for a long time and then you know drugs and alcohol took over but I've

also it's been you know it's been boyfriends it's been this and that it's it was my sponsor

for a time like it's it's been a journey of recognizing that I've always had something

or someone in my life that I relied on like that and um and it was deeply disturbing when

I discovered that that I had made drugs and alcohol my higher power for so long because

it felt very like you know I felt so so smart you know so much smarter than everybody else

and uh and the truth was like I'm just another you know I'm just another alcoholic who was

uh yeah worshipping at the altar of of the all these substances that I thought were making

me you know feel comfortable feel like who I'm supposed to be so um that was a uh that

was kind of a rude awakening but it opened the door for me to be able to recognize that

today I feel like the idea of having faith in a higher power and trusting and relying

on something besides myself that I don't really understand is like the most courageous thing

you can do and um I still you know can bristle at some of the at the Lord's Prayer don't

get me wrong but at the end of the day like what I'm really looking for here in Alcoholics

Anonymous today is a is a practical way of living that's what I really need and that's

what I go to when I do have those moments where I think about the only thing keeping

me here is just not being willing to start again and you know not wanting to give up

my time or have to put on my hand or all that prideful stuff is just like no I need a I

need a a way to to live that works under difficult circumstances and um so that's what I've kind

of been working on with you know cultivating that higher power is just like what can I

you know how can I give up control because I just want to be in control of everything

and everyone and at the same time I don't want to have to make any decisions so um I

don't know if anybody could relate to that so I'm working but it's it's it's been a relief

to not have to worry about that part of the program so much anymore and just kind of let

it be I still you know I work I it's hard each day to uh you know my prayer is pretty

stilted and my talking to God is a little like oh hey it's a little you know like that

person at the grocery store that you haven't seen in a while um but you know just remembering

that you know that there there is something out there and that it's not me and I don't

have to be the higher power be my husband's higher power or my kid's higher power or anything

like that is a is a huge relief um let's see what time do I stop 25 yeah so let's see today

I um you know I do have the opportunity to sponsor a couple of women and um that's an

amazing it's been an amazing experience made I think better by the fact that I went through

this whole experience with my sponsor because like I said I do feel a lot of uh it's a lot

more of a you know my my program feels a lot looser sort of that loose garment kind of

thing that it talks about and um I'm able to you know to really listen which the other

day my sponsor was like you're just so good at listening and I was just like that's amazing

because I feel like I spend my whole life just waiting to talk always like I just want

to just you stop talking so I can talk but the humility that's come from being sober

and I want to talk about that just uncomfortability again because I still you know go out into

the world and feel really uncomfortable at the time but the um you know that willingness

to not only be uncomfortable but to just accept what is is uh has been a huge part of my sobriety

like acceptance of you know what's happened and not having to like it but just being willing

to work with the circumstances that I have it's like that permeates the difference between

walking into a wall and walking through a door like if I'm just willing to accept what's

going on right now then I I have options whereas it used to just be me it was just my head

in a brick wall and um that's you know acceptance is pretty much the biggest part of my program

these days because I don't have a lot of no control over what happens I have a toddler

which is a living embodiment of having no control over anything um and uh but I have

this big beautiful life that I never thought I would have and the best part about it not

all the stuff and it's not you know it's it's that like I feel for the first time in my

life that my insides match my outsides and now I have a place where I can come and I

can talk about all the uncomfortability that I feel and I can relate to people who feel

the same way that I do I thought I couldn't understand for the longest time why there

was nobody else in the world that would spiral out about some weird comment they've made

to their volleyball coach you know when they were 12 years old um and then I found a whole

bunch of people who did the same way I do so um you know I just can't imagine my life

without my sobriety and that being said I feel very young in sobriety still but I just

don't know I just I'm grateful to have a sober home my sister so my sister just celebrated

nine years on Thursday my uh my brother-in-law my husband's brother is also sober we've got

this like we've got this big beautiful sober family and um and it's like all of a sudden

we've stopped kind of whatever generational not alcoholism maybe but drinking like now

my mom's the only one that'll maybe have like a glass of wine she's like the most normal

normal drinker it's so annoying but then she'll just sort of take it or leave it now and you

know my sister we're all those of us who are still here we're sober and we're setting a

different kind of example for our kids and it's just for somebody who could not imagine

living life regardless of how up or down or how I was feeling when I was drinking it was

just like I have alcohol is a part you know it was always there it had a it had a seat

at the table and it doesn't have one anymore and it's nice because it doesn't feel like

there's a it doesn't feel like there's somebody missing you know so um I think that's I think

that's all I have thank you so much for asking me to come out of here and take care